#maybe I'm just so gay and fucked up that my romantic feelings aren't relatable to most people

[velvet-games]

I keep thinking I'm not really aromantic until I talk to/hear from an allo person and I'm like "ohhhhhhhh haha. what the fuck?"

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

[captainschaos]

hello hello tis I the person who made the hermit relationships post and I would like to say yes you absolutely should make a post with your thoughts I wanna see 👀

EEEEE yknow what this is exactly the enabling I needed to finally make this post!!! primarily, I have a very queerplatonic, very aro, very difficult to label polycule that I loveeee to think about, and have a lot of headcanons surrounding them <3 I definitely have more reaching outside this group, but for the moment I just wanna talk about them!!

here's my veryvery rough hewn (and slightly outdated) map of it <3 but I'm gonna put detailed descriptions below the cut for anyone (particularly other aros) who might be interested in queer/platonic relationships that are very much not sibling-like, so step right up!!! I'd love to share <3

[I also have this fic that gets into some of the relationships below!]

overall qppolycule name btw: SHALESTEP >> (lizzie ld)shadow(lady) + zombie(cleo, rot related) + (etho)slab = some kind of dark, crumbling stone: SHALE >> tango(tek) + (joel) small(ishbeans) + (b)double(o100) = a little, repetitive part of dance: STEP

>> bdubs + cleo: queerplatonic marriage I mean just go watch third life. they're married <3 queerplatonically <3 yay!!

>> cleo + etho: queerplatonic partners they are a very subtle and slow kind of partnership, but consider each other partners, even if they aren't very vocal about it!

>> etho + bdubs: queerplatonic dating/partners ethubs will never be normal about each other yeah they're absolutely queerplatonic

>> joel + lizzie: married, joel is aro but the relationship is romantic I headcanon joel as aro, but lizzie allo, and think joel is very romance positive in terms of enjoying doing things that he knows lizzie likes, like giving kisses and dates and stuff ! even if he gets happiness from those through more of a giving satisfaction than anything romantic

>> lizzie + cleo: mutually crushing shadowrot pining is real, and I think they both vaguely know, but I kinda headcanon cleo as maybe greyromantic or lithromantic so I don't think they have any desire to go further than glancing at each other and blushing <3

>> joel + etho: queerplatonic behavior but no label the fucking freaks. I actually really think about their relationship in unique ways because I think dl soulbound would have given them both an ""excuse"" to be casually intimate with someone in a way they both struggle with walls around, and so they keep it up

>> etho + tango: unlabeled and weird about each other tangtho I will forever see as a pair of bros who will be going about their business, have an outrageously gay queerplatonic homoerotic moment, and then go back to acting like nothing happened while everyone else is ?????? and they will continue to happily never talk about it!!! ^_^

>> tango + cleo: platonic dating they're solidly, securely friends, but will go on dates, get each other gifts, hold hands, lots of dating type activities! and they've been jokingly called girlfriends enough times that they use the term in a platonic sense

>> lizzie + bdubs: casual romance my beloved rarepair shadubs. ily. I do headcanon bdubs as transfem so they're very much yuri YAYY but I just think they'd have a lot of fun with fluffy romantic feelings, and they have their own marriages so they feel no pressure to go deeper than that!! and they have fun kissing in the garden and having tea parties and pretty stuff <3

>> bdubs + tango: metamours they love to yell at each other and can't seem to get away from each other (just watch early trafficlife stuff these two in 3l/ll rule my fucking brain) but are tied together by mutual partnerships and actually understand each other incredibly well through it

>> joel + bdubs: metamours they're just too similar. like wayyyy too similar. they get in fights that seem like a mirror getting mad and have fun about ganging up on etho <3

>> lizzie + etho: metamours I just think they're niceeee and would do nice stuff togetherrr :] they have really interesting passing interactions canonically and I think when put in the same household, they'd get along really well

(the below are relationships in this grouping I hadn't really thought about in depth before, but this is a good opportunity to write a bit about em! they're all ofc technically metamours but I just think might not interact as much as those listed above)

>> lizzie + tango to be Quite honest I think this pairing is maybe the most dangerous out of any of them. something is going to explode and it's absolutely not going to be what they were trying to blow up it's probably the kitchen

>> tango + joel they Think they're the most dangerous pairing but they are cartoon characters. incredibly entertaining for the rest of the house tho <3

>> joel + cleo oh they'd have funnnn tbh I think they'd actually be reallyreally chill together, they'd probably do crafts in mutually happy silence (armor stands prolly)

[enjomo-arch]

#4. Favourite thing about roleplaying?

another  thing  I  love  about  rping  is  being  creative.  Writing  is  a  two  ways  street  and  creating  along  someone  is  always  more  fun  than  doing  it  alone.  I  can't  write  fanfics  for  example  bc  they  don't  bring  me  as  much  fun  as  creating  with  other  people.  I'm  a  people's  person  I  love  communication.

#6. OTP for your muse?

UGHH  ugly  bites  my  hands  but  Ace  /  Sanji.  Do  you  understand  how  gay  it  is  to  light  a  man's  cigarette  ?Maybe  you  two  should  like  kiss  already??  Sanji  not  only  was  one  of  my  muses  but  I  love  Ace  being  a  tease  around  him  to  pull  out  reactions  of  the  cook  he  never  dreamed  of.  Making  sanji  bi  panic  is  funny  and  I  like  their  sexual  tension.

Another  one  is  Ace  /  Law  it  all  started  with  a  single  art  of  them. This  was  my  downfall  I  rotate  them  in  my  head  like  it's  a  microwave.

Ace  /  Smoker  for  obvious  reasons  silabus  sending  me  comics  and  reblogging  art  of  them  and  I'm  like  god  Smoker  you  have  to  take  care  of  one  feral  flame  guy  I  cheer  for  you  man.

Ace  /  Isuka  but  that's  more  of  a  guilty  pleasure  ship  for  me  after  reading  Ace's  novel  she's  just  so  angry  with  him  like  I  get  his  ugly  charm  and  annoying  attitude  captivated  her  I  been  here  Isuka,  I  been  here.

Ace  /  Hiyori  and  here  comes  vega  again  with  miss  swordswoman  who  can  beat  Ace  up  and  he'd  thank  her  on  his  knees.  I  had  so  much  fun  writing  them,  having  with  vega  the  plot  of  their  arranged  marriage.  It  was  such  a  great  idea  and  they  grew  on  me  so  much.

#7. NOTP for your muse?

Any  and  I  say  ANY  attempt  to  romantically  ship  ASL  brothers  in  any  fucking  way.  I  can't  stand  proshipping,  they're  brothers,  they're  family  even  if  they  aren't  related  by  blood  excusing  a  way  around  their  sworn  brothers  oath  is  disgusting  and  I  can't  fucking  stand  it  I  need  to  spill  battery  acid  into  my  eyeballs  if  I  see  any  romantic  content  including  ASL  I  just  cannot.

I  will  also  never  ship  Marco  and  Ace.  Same  thing,  they're  a  family  on  Whitebeard's  ship.  They're  Edward's  SONS  and  it  makes  them  SIBLINGS  in  the  crew.  I  will  never  look  at  Marco  and  Ace  other  than  brothers  and  this  is  how  it  is  or  any  other  ships  with  Ace  and  whitebeard  crew  like  the  fuck.

I  don't  get  Ace  and  Yamato  too.  I  mean  it's  hanging  on  a  string.  I  can't  say  if  it's  a  thing  I'd  ship  or  not  I  always  seen  them  as  bros  /  drinking  buddies.  I  guess  I'd  have  to  write  it  or  try  it  out  with  someone  trusted,  talk  about  the  dynamics  but  for  now  I'd  say  I  don't  see  them  more  as  guys  having  fun.

#24. What about your muse are you most proud of?

I'm  so  proud  of  Ace  that  despite  everything  he  decided  to  live  and  try  to  find  his  answer.  I  know  he  was  going  through  so  much,  he  feels  worthless  and  he  never  felt  good  enough.  He  felt  like  a  monster  and  was  seen  as  one  for  the  longest  time.  I'm  just  so  proud  of  him  pushing  forward  despite  what  happened  to  him.  He's  insanely  strong  for  that  and  I'll  always  respect  him  for  this.

@erraticoptimism : 4, 6, 7, 24! ( prompt. )

[unapologeticallytheworst]

What's the difference between a bi lesbian someone who is bi or is a lesbian? Aren't they mutually exclusive terms? (Genuine ignorance but willing to learn.)

(Just in case my tone comes across badly, I am just happily sharing. If any good can come out of me being back on Tumblr it will be sharing my experiences of sex and gender so that maybe somebody understands themselves better.)

I want to start with the fact that I am not myself someone who uses the label. I usually identify as bi or pan. So I can explain coming from my perspective as someone who has talked to bi lesbians and even identified with their explanations, but I am not one. I love dudes too much.

Like any label it's super personal to the individual but from what I have heard over the years, some women use it because they functionally are a lesbian. Their relationship and presentation are such that society thinks of them that way. That may even be how they label themselves in less queer spaces. They face that discrimination and participate in those spaces.

For some others I've talked to, it's more about where they lie on the kinsey scale. Their relative attraction to women compared to men, making them feel the need for the distinction. Sometimes this is even more of a bisexual - homoromantic situation, where sex with dudes is fun but one loves women.

Since I believe this was in response to a support post, I just wanna say label policing is not good for anybody. This isn't aimed at you, nonie, just everyone, be kind and willing to listen. We're really not all that different and we're not free until we're all free.

(also vaguely related rant about being bisexual under the cut)

Being bi is really fucking weird. Nobody believes you no matter who you date. Unless you're poly and are dating multiple people of different genders at the same time, then you're just a slut. Like seriously I'm pretty sure the new Green Day song Bobby Sox exists solely to remind everyone they're bi as fuck. Because that happens when your romantic partner is the opposite gender. And then you feel like an asshole at pride because nobody is going to discriminate against you and your boyfriend in public. Everyone is going to treat you like you're straight and any gay stuff they remember was just “experimenting” or youth. But when dating the same gender there's a whole different set of problems. Society at large is now going to treat you as gay or lesbian and any attempts to say bi will be chalked up to internalized homophobia or an attempt to avoid backlash. And like you get that, because the hate you get calls you dykes or faggots, you don't get hate for you, because you don't even exist. This is to say nothing of the exclusionary pockets within your own community telling you you're confused. Or acting like you are icky and wrong and don't belong in queer spaces.

[matchstickdolly]

Lucifer 5B: Cutting off Touch to Spite Your Fans

Spoiler warning: This post assumes you've watched all of Lucifer, season 5, part B.

CW: There's plenty I like about season 5, but this is a negative post. I know not everyone is up for negativity about the things they love. I also generally avoid it and (try to) keep my mouth shut about things I don’t like in most spaces. It’s good etiquette. But this is my space, and I have thoughts specifically about purity culture and the treatment of sexuality and trauma in fiction. You’ve been warned!

---

I'm a professional writer (not in TV). I've worked with enough bad clients, editors, and other writers to recognize some hallmark behaviors in how both Fox and Netflix gave Lucifer's writers incredibly difficult, unfair, and frankly weird situations to create through.

Fox did them dirty, interfering and ordering too many eps in S3. Netflix did them dirty, ordering 10 eps for S4 when it clearly needed ~13. Then Netflix ordered 10 "final" eps for S5—then, just kidding(!), 6 more after they'd done their writing for the 10. (What the fuck?) And then Netflix ordered 10 more for a "final-final" S6 after the writers had done their best to tell their whole story in S5. (MORE what the fuck.)

Talk about whiplash for creators, and half of those who consume content don't even care to understand such creative pain.

So, there are problems on multiple fronts. There's much I'll forgive writers, accordingly. I go into most shows expecting plotting/pacing issues. I look, instead, for characters and relationships that will triumph over those issues.

Heart is what the show Lucifer has always had in spades, both in its characters and in the immensely committed, wonderful ways the actors have tried to realize the characters' humor, love, trauma, and—most importantly—struggle to find healing. Yet, when given the opportunity to show health alongside another in a relationship, the writers/directors of 5B chose to remove most sexual humor and physical intimacy from their female lead and bi/pan characters to, I feel, sanitize them and troll fans. What happened?

Well, for one, say hi to showrunner Joe Henderson bragging about how the writers decided to be colossal dicks to the fans who helped secure their jobs:

From CBR's 'Lucifer Showrunner Joe Henderson Dissects Season 5B's Chaos'

Have we not suffered sidelined/repressed female characters, "bury your gays," and, oh, Chloe fucking a serial killer enough? Must we also say hello to neutered relationships once characters find stable love (whether same or opposite sex)? The result of withdrawing more sexual humor and physical intimacy from paired characters is an uncomfortable suggestion that they're reformed by "pure" love—more chaste and aloof, more acceptable in polite society. This is only done to end-game committed relationships.*

The writers seem to think they're edging the viewers, but the reality is they're taking traumatized minority characters who rejoiced in sexual freedom, but lacked and craved an emotional connection, and showing they can't have both, or, if they find both, it will never last. They've taken hypersexual characters and said, here, even they can have the love and commitment they desire, but some physical intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is what they must trade for it.

There's always one more case, phone call, or coincidence interrupting intimacy. Traumas or deaths deserving emotional and physical comfort go on to receive none or only one aspect. Done sometimes, it's fine. Done always, it's sick. Dan dies, and there's no hugging? Really?†

Don't craft characters who crave a full range of emotional and physical intimacy, only to rob them of related scenes every chance you get. That's not complexity. That's bad writing. To even achieve this in 5B, they must squash banter and sideline their female lead yet again.

What a gift to purity culture, which tells us to be more palatable by bottling and buttoning up. That sex should be taboo, but violence glorified. That there is no heated desire among "Good Women," that sexual minorities of all genders shouldn't experience it much at all.

5A is so good. At the very least, it's on the right path (clearly, since the plot payoff from 5x01 to 5x16 is great). It shows a couple working through difficulties and trauma, toward each other emotionally and physically. It even pokes fun at people who think an established relationship means the death of romantic and sexual appeal (a tired and hugely sexist trope). And then... And then 5B reverses that, pretending established relationships are barely physical during emotional struggle and that the honeymoon phase doesn't exist. It robs characters of joy and comfort through physical intimacy when they need it to move through or push beyond trauma.

It's telling that so many fan wishes for Deckerstar are about healing touch and existing in each other's spaces: amending Chloe's spicy PDA history with Cain, Chloe caring for Lucifer's wings, soft family scenes a la Monopoly night and shared meals, morning-afters, etc. Reasonable fans aren't asking for porn; they're asking for connection and humanity. They're asking for writers not to forget characters (and, yes, including hypersexual characters) on their way from Point A to Point B.

That 5B lacks these things isn't a "tee-hee frustrating" slow burn or a cockblock. It is, in so many scenes, excising from characters a core part of what nearly every human and fictional monster craves. And it's a slap in the face to the "found family" trope. When you remove or tamp down a casual physical intimacy that was previously there, characters and their relationships fall flat, even if only partially. They become blunt weapons creators wield against watchers or readers begging for scraps of warmth.

Minorities shouldn't be killed off with ease, and they shouldn't be stifled with ease, either.‡ And maybe there shouldn't be deep trauma driving a wedge in a romantic relationship if you're not going to explore it through that relationship, too—physical intimacy included.

I'm still reserving some judgment. I loved the family drama and the end. (Although, again, where was the physical intimacy? No intimacy when Chloe or Lucifer return from the dead? Really?) I see where they could do awesome things, and could have done more if not for network BS.

But I no longer trust Lucifer's writers and directors. They thought S5 was the end. And what they gave us of Deckerstar, of the relationship that symbolizes health and healing in their fictional world, is this: cold distance. And they got a kick out of doing it, apparently.

If this is a "love letter" to me as a fan, I'm burning it. I can only hope S6 course corrects. If not, the writers who made these choices shouldn't write sexual minority and/or traumatized characters again. If you don't understand most of us, you should stop fucking using us.

---

* If you don't believe me about the differences between casual/short-term relationships and end-game relationships in Lucifer, go back and look at how Lucifer and Maze are with strangers in all the other seasons. Look at Chloe's sex dream, her propositioning of Lucifer in a library, her sex with Pierce in the evidence closet. Look at how much physical intimacy there is between Lucifer and Eve, and then between Eve and Maze (if only as a ploy). Across seasons, there are sex/kink jokes and scenes galore.

Compare this to how these same characters are portrayed when with their end-game loves. Notice the gentle pecks on the lips and the huge general drop in sexual humor between 5A and 5B. How boring. Where's the spice these characters had? Also, give me a damn break. Buttoning up in a relationship is contrary to four and a half seasons of emotional character work that's been communicating security in our relationships is personally freeing.

† I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy in this post, though that is a big part of it because of the characters. 5B lacked crucial found family scenes, too.

Chloe should have been at God's family dinner, but being so would have prevented more ham-fisted angst. Chloe never even has a one-on-one with God, probably because that would demand a straight answer about her miracle status, which I would guess will be used to drive yet another wedge between her and Lucifer next season, but we'll see.

In multiple before- and after-work scenes, there was no reason for Lucifer and Chloe to be apart more, even, than they were in S1 and S2. Monopoly night was in S3, for crying out loud. Most horrifying of all? No one touches Chloe after Dan's death, but Trixie. Meanwhile, Linda, Amenadiel, Ella, Maze, and Lucifer all receive physical comfort. No wonder Chloe's tired of being strong.

‡ If you don't think it's offensive that they stuffed all their wlw content for two hypersexual characters into a few clunky, irrational, and chaste scenes that rushed I love yous, a marriage-like proposal, and the mention of soulmates, I don't know what to tell you other than get off my lawn.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Ok imma be honest, this chapter moved me to tears and not the sad sobbing but the more inspiring kind. This chapter means the world.

She had told them her dreams were about ducks – since there were the only equally horrible thing she could think of.

Uncle Magnus had given her an odd look then, as if he knew she was bullshitting them. But he hadn’t said anything.

DUCKS AREN'T THAT BAD! HAVE Y'ALL EVER BEEN CHASED BY A GOAT?? I WAS CONVINCED I WAS GONNA DIE

Lexi would be royally pissed if this turned out to be some stupid pointless dream.

YUP

Even though she was only 7 minutes older than Lexi, Selena always acted like she was 7 years older.

That's so cute though

People looked at her pastel-coloured aesthetic immediately assumed she was the soft and sweet Fairchild twin. People saw Selena in her red leather jacket and thigh high boots and assumed she was in the infamous troublesome Herondale twin.

SMH THE DAMN STEREOTYPES

Why Selena hadn’t killed her in her sleep yet, Lexi doesn’t know.

BYE THAT'S EVERY SIBLING RELATIONSHIP EVER

The meals at the Academy were to die for – quite literally. Last week two students from the warlock fraction had almost killed each other over a blueberry muffin.

Oh how times change...they will never know the dreaded soup

NO ANJALI HAS BEEN GONE FOR OVER A YEAR???

IS JAIME OK?? PLEASE BE OK! HE CAN LIVE WITH TREATMENT SO I REALLY HOPE HE'S OK

Selena’s was Idris of course. She was kind of obsessed with it.

Max loved the shadow markets. Lexi thought they were very cool too.

Rafael loved his father’s office – which was weird. There was nothing to do in that room other than ponder about shadow world problems. Besides, the place still weirdly smelled like the tangerine perfume Anjali wore, even though the girl had left New York almost a year ago.

David loved the New York Institute – especially the library.

Gigi of course loved the dining halls.

Dining halls, kitchens, food trucks, vending machines - if a place had food with it, Gigi loved it.

It's so amazing how they all have their favorite places...(same David same)

“You’re supposed to pour the syrup on the pancakes not into your mouth,” Lexi chuckled as she sat down next to her.

“It ends up in my mouth anyway,” Gigi shrugged.

True enough.

AWW ROMAN MAKING GIGI PLAYLISTS!!

Someone make me a playlist.

“His parents fell in love in Rome when they were in Rome,” Gigi pointed out even though Lexi already knew. “I think it’s actually romantic.”

I had forgotten that-

Roman was nice. But not nice enough for Georgia. Lexi didn’t think there was anyone good enough for her parabatai – who was the most perfect person in the world.

Me @ anyone who tries to make a move at my best friend.

AWW GEORGIA LIKES HIM TOO!!

When's the wedding?

(you're telling me you didn't believe you were gonna marry your childhood crush? Liar)

“I like being his friend,” Georgia said. “I like spending time with him and all of that. But I don’t know if I like him…in that way. I feel like I need more time.”

Demiromantic??? YES GIVE US THE REP

Lexi sometimes thought life would be so much simpler if the world was full of women and everyone was a lesbian.

Ikr?? Life would be so much easier.

Lexi says Roman is too-nice-sus

Well well well

The kind of love that cheated death.

The kind of love that sustained memory spells put by princes of hell.

The kind of love that changed the world.

Trust me all of our standards are very high

Lexi successfully survived the class without falling asleep.

Me during English.

Ok who's the blond?

Lexi I thought we weren't gonna fall this soon-

Oh the girl's straight...sigh we've all been there.

which meant they had to hold hands. Kinda.

Lexi was a little scared of that.

Me.

Goddamnit, Alexandra. Get your gay together!

THAT'S SO RELATABLE LIKE?? YES

OH MY GOD IT'S EMMA AND JULIAN'S DAUGHTER GEIDIDHDOHDJSKSJSKGXJDHSODHKDGDDGDJHDJDGDJDGJDHD

Lexi knew Olivia liked boys. She hadn’t dated anyone officially of course. All the boys were kind of terrified of her father.

She could be bi or pan or omni. WE GOTTA HAVE HOPE

vegetable loaf... David I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Lexi then decided not to do any of her homework over the weekend because she was not coming back to the academy. She was not going to survive the sleepover and whatever else Olivia had in mind.

Bestie...why is this me when I make eye contact with my crush.

“Good stuff?” Max snorted. “Rafe literally ran away from home cause shit got too intense.”

“I didn’t run away!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Stop telling people that!”

“But you have rumours and shadowhunters getting thrown into silent city and cohort drama and all that exciting stuff!” Liv pointed out.

I-

Liv-

True though.

“Wasn’t there a serial killer when your parents were young?” David asked.

“And didn’t your uncle do necromancy?” Max said biting into a chicken wing.

True and true

“Sorry, Chouchou!” Lexi winced. “I, uh, sensed a mosquitoe on your leg.”

“Girl, your angel powers are weird as fuck,” Max laughed.

MAX LANGUAGE

“I don’t know,” the girl shrugged and threw her a wink. “I wouldn’t put anything past Lexi.”

Lexi looked at Gigi. She was one more compliment away from screaming.

But Gigi of course knew her struggle and therefore quickly stuffed a bread roll into Lexi’s mouth.

I need someone to stuff bread into my mouth when things get like this

There were rumours about David – and how Daddy had an affair. Lexi was yet to find those asshats and shove a witch light down their throats.

When you find them lemme know too.

“Or maybe it’s because you don’t need rumours be interesting,” David pointed out.

Max turned around, looking surprised at that. His cheeks turned purple. Lexi didn’t know why he was surprised. David only ever spoke fondly of Max.

JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY OH MY GOD

“Oh. Oh! I did hear something a long time ago!” Gigi said suddenly. “Olly, is it true you were conceived at the beach?”

“Georgia, you can’t just ask people where they were conceived!” David sounded horrified.

That is very much possible.

“I heard you were conceived in hell?”

“Oh my god,” Selena looked horrified. “That’s not true! It must have been about Max!”

“Y’all I am adopted!” Max was shaking with laughter and then stopped. “Although our dads could have definitely had sex in hell. I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Oh yes. Both clace and malec.

Then they had of course continued to discuss that cursed topic until Rafael had threatened to tell the Consul about it.

LMAO

Lexi turned around and saw Liv waiting for her. Nope. She wasn’t going to talk a walk – a fucking stroll! – with Olivia all on her own.

“You are coming back to the institute with me or I will un-parabatai you.”

You know there being an un-parabatai ceremony would solve a lot of shit

What if their hands accidentally grazed or something? That shit was lethal.

RIGHT????

She is just trying to be nice. That’s what friends do. They are nice. And they give each other pretty dresses and say they would like to see them in it.

Honey that's gay.

EVERYONE ASKING HER OUT IM DEAD

Selena: Ugh boys

Selena: When I win back Idris, we are leaving all the men behind.

Lexi: Except Magnus? Lol.

Selena: Obviously.

Is that even a question Lexi? Duh.

ALEC LIGHTWOOD THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT? THE SHAME!

OH MY GOD IM CACKLING

Not everyone can kiss their partner in the Accords Hall. Some people didn’t have access to the Accords Hall.

And most important, some people didn’t have partners!

We're getting a lexi and Alec talk someone hold me

“I’m going to tell you something,” Uncle Alec said. “It might sound simple. It might sound ridiculous. But it’s the truth. So, you must believe me. Can you do that?”

Lexi gave him a small nod.

“It doesn’t matter what other people think,” Uncle Alec said. “Not when it comes to your future. Not when it comes to your identity. They don’t get to have a say in who you are and why you are the way you are.”

Lexi bit her lip.

“Alexandra, people will always tell what to do. But you shouldn’t let them. Never let anyone tell you what to do with your heart or your body. Neither belongs them. It only belongs to you.”

THIS RIGHT HERE MADE ME START CRYING BECAUSE DAMN YES!

“Yep,” she groaned and then hesitated for a moment. “Uncle Alec…Can I ask you something stupid?”

“Can I say no?”

“No.”

“Then go ahead.”

I love her so much

“I feel…I feel it’s something we have to bear, Alexandra. The fear of rejection. It’s something we have to accept as an inevitable part of our lives. Because no matter how much love we have around us, we will always be afraid of people not loving us – simply because of who we are.”

Yeah...

“Besides, they named you after me,” he pointed out. “I don’t know what else they expected.”

EXACTLY! Did they really expect a straight child after naming them after Alec?

“I do like shouting,” Lexi wondered out loud. “That’s good advice.”

“I didn’t mean it literally!” Uncle Alec looked alarmed.

“No, it makes total sense!” Lexi grinned. “Some of these people can be tone deaf. Gotta shout it out. Loud and clear. Awesome advice! Thanks, Uncle Alec!”

DO IT

“Hey, Lexi. I was wonderin-”

“MOVE, I’M GAY!” she yelled as she shoved him aside and kept on running.

ABSOLUTELY ICONIC

“I prefer she/her,” Lexi answered. "But sometimes I prefer she/they. But you can use she/her because some of y'all already shit at grammar."

That's exactly what I tell people when they ask for my pronouns. Istg people are shit at grammar.

alright girl im here to give you a lecture on how someone's dressing doesn't describe their sexuality

OH MY MY GOD THERE WAS A GENDER AND SEXUALITY CLASS IN THE ACADEMY ARE THEY RECRUITING???

One of the boys who had complimented cleared his throat. “So, uh, you don’t like boys?”

“That’s literally what I said,” Lexi rolled her eyes. “I’m gay. I’m very gay. I’m gayer than the Consul. Okay fine, that’s not true. No one gayer than the Consul. But I’m still pretty gay.”

Does the boy have hearing problems?

ALSO YES NO ONE'S GAYER THAN THE CONSUL

“Sexual orientation and gender expression are two different things,” she explained now, remember what Uncle Magnus had taught them. “Sexual orientation refers to who I am sexually and romantically attracted to. Gender expression is how I want to express my gender identity. Those two are not connected. Just because a woman wears feminine clothes it doesn’t mean she is straight. Just because a man embraces femininity, it doesn’t make him gay either. Does that make sense?”

“Ohhh,” the girl nodded. “Yes, it does. Thank you!”

“What I wear does not reflect who I like. It reflects who I am and what I like to wear,” Lexi explained. “And regardless of my sexuality, I like pretty things.”

Exactly.

“This doesn’t change anything. I hope you know that,” he told her. “I mean I have to change the pronouns in my shovel talk. But that’s not a big deal.”

Awwww

Also – my good friend Raziel told me that homophobia is a sin.”

“You mean homosexuality is a sin?” an older man asked.

“No, homophobia is a sin,” Lexi repeated. “That’s what Raziel said.”

“But that’s not-”

Someone cleared their throat. When he spoke, it was in the Consul Voice.

“Are you saying know better than Raziel?” the Consul asked.

Listen to Raziel you dumb shit

“Sure. Let me just call the Lesbian Alliance,” Lexi rolled her eyes.

Ugh I wish

OH NO NO NO NOT THE FAKE DATING. JUST CONFESS AND DATE FOR REAL

“Alexandra, I have a fucking undercut and I have pink highlights and I cuff my jeans and I literally walk around with a sword and I can quote Lady Gaga to perfection! Why would you ever think I was straight??”

Lexi your gaydar is broken bestie.

Don't do this omg this is gonna be a mess

Gigi: THIS IS A BAD IDEA. ABORT! ABORT!

Lexi: Relaaaax. It’s going to be fine!

Gigi: I’ve read enough fanfiction to know the fake dating trope never ends well!

Lexi: I’ve told you to include the ‘angst with happy ending’ tag!

LMAO

Also Gigi which fanfiction do you read?

Jace omg...

That's so him though.

“How about my peeps? It sounds very hip.”

“It does not,” Lexi replied. “Please don’t refer to us as your peeps under any circumstance."

IM SCREAMING ASHSKHSIDBSHSHDH

Her father chuckled at that. “Sweetheart, you’re a Herondale. Being problematic is what we do.”

EXACTLY

Daddy opened the notebook again. “I need names.”

Grabs flamethrower names

“Besides, the Lightwoods and Blackthorns have been hogging the gay genes for too long. Now it’s our turn. I say you gay it up.”

“Gay it up?” Lexi laughed.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Go for the highest possible level of gay.”

DO IT

He blinked for a second and then it hit him. “OH MY GOD YES! DOES EMMA KNOW??”

Lexi laughed. Yeah, he can never find out it was a fake dating situation.

Hopefully he won't have to because it won't be fake :D

“To love is a privilege and to be loved is a blessing.”

THE GROWTH OH MY GOD

This chapter literally means so much to me. I don't even know what to say. I hope I too can one day have the courage to shout it in front of everyone and not be scared. See ya on Tuesday!

It means so much to me that this chapter meant a lot to you. I hope you find all the courage, strength and support you need. You are amazing.

And here. I made you a playlist.

You can find it here on YouTube. I hope you like it :)

[comphet-critical]

I was advised to look for u since you seem to have some more experience and advice in the matter as a bi woman more attracted to women.

how can I tell if I'm a lesbian and just have extreme need for male approval and attention or if I'm just bi with a very strong preference for women with a tad of misandry in the mix?

i have zero sexual desire for men, don't have crushes on them, their presence makes me uncomfortable and I feel better in general when there's no males in my life. I think they look disgusting naked, smell bad and can't seem to connect emotionally with them.

But I like flirting, and I feel like I do it for sport - since women aren't so receptive and easy to impress - and I really enjoy playing this little game every now and then. I don't even consider the guys attractive, it's more like a fun little challenge. I also feel like sometimes I flirt with any man present because it's my go-to behaviour. I don't know what else to do, and if I act natural & honest I'm considered a man hater feminazi so there's that.

That being said - I used to watch straight porn and it's been confusing to me. I thought I'm a trans man because I wanted to play the role of the guy fucking the woman with my own penis. That and bdsm where the woman was kind of forced to do stuff. I don't do that anymore for feminist reasons but still...

I also had sex with my first (only) boyfriend when I was younger. it was more like I wanted to get over with it than actually wanted to do it (I was already in my 20s). I don't feel like I will ever sleep with a man again. First time I slept with a woman I realized what it's like to actually be turned on with a partner. But I think maybe if it was some sort of fucked up bdsm scenario i could enjoy sleeping with a man (I think it could be because of the porn I used to watch as a teen though. But might as well be that I'm naturally fucked in the head I guess?)

I remember being sad when I was a teen that I was a heteroromantic homosexual (lol) because I thought I can only be romantic with men but was only into women sexually.

I just can't understand wtf is wrong with me. I say I'm bi but can't relate to bi women, and then I can't say I'm gay because my experience growing up feels much more muddy and complicated than my actually lesbian friends.

bisexuality is a spectrum, you definitely are bi, but you’re not going to relate to every bi girl you meet