#maybe I'll do a youtube video on this topic when I come off of my semi-hiatus

[r0semultiverse]

Qrow’s Semblance is Fortune! 🐦‍⬛

I talked about this briefly before, having speculated that Clover’s pin carries on his good luck after death or that Qrow has just done a lot of training mentally and/or physically. @benevolentslut had some amazing additions as well & I want to sum up this theory for you as best as I can as we reached similar conclusions even before I had read her reblog.

Qrow has only been in the negative all his life, mentally and emotionally.

This man has had barely any positivity in his life.

"His whole life he's been the epitome of cynicism and pessimism." - @benevolentslut

Qrow grew up under constant stress & threat of those around him.

Needless to say, but I don't think he could trust anyone he grew up around except maybe Raven.

Then he has to constantly worry about being found out by the other huntsmen! Also growing up with the threat of huntsmen and Grimm the entire time!

Then Oz drops the whole Salem problem on him & I'm sure that didn't help his mental health in the slightest!

"His sister leaves him and their team, and then summer disappears." - @benevolentslut Yeahhhh he is losing everyone close to him in one way or another! That cannot be a fun experience!

This look like the face of a guy that's doing okay?

I'm just going to copy paste this here as I hadn't noticed it & it feels worth noting that the intensity of his misfortune seems to increase with the increasing mental strain.

While we don't know for sure that all of these things are a byproduct of Qrow's misfortune semblance, it certainly isn't out of the realm of possibility. Notice the worsening of his mental health resulting in potentially more disastrous outcomes. 😰

"we see him blaming himself constantly for everything that goes wrong, and it only causes that to become more true." - @benevolentslut

She lists a lot more examples of where Qrow's semblance has potentially worked this way in the original post. Clover comes along & starts lifting him up, giving him actual hope. He now has a little seed of hope planted in him. 🍀

Wow, Qrow is doing so good for himself lately! I sure hope nothing-

Oh... oh no. From his perspective Ruby & Yang could literally be dead. He is stricken with grief as he watches it all unfold & probably sunk back down into a negative spot mentally. He may even blame himself in some way.

When you're this low, there's a saying that goes "nowhere to go but up."

I firmly believe that Qrow would see things that way, especially after reaching his lowest point. He can only do his best to help those around him. Though he's the most alone he's ever been, he's becoming a part of a new community where people help one another. In that sense, it's impossible to be alone. In spite of it all, he slowly finds his mental health improving! Ruby's message to the world is bringing people together! 🌹

"and we see him take up clover's role, both in terms of how he's helping out around shade, and more literally, in the unmissable parallel where he catches the guy who trips." - @benevolentslut

Ruby & Clover have both filled him with hope & he's more optimistic than he's ever been, which results in bursts good fortune! ✨

There's also already a premise for shifts in mental health and trauma resulting in semblance evolution.

Cinder betrayed Neo & so she winds up in the Ever After & through her form changes is showing us that she now has negative feelings towards Cinder.

She's so upset that her semblance starts to make multiple clones of her which it has never been able to do before. Her Overactive Imagination semblance has evolved due to the state of her mental health.

Her semblance begins to evolve so much to where she can create entire architectural structures and buildings out of it!

She can even use it to talk through the people she recreates, something she's not physically capable of herself.

While we do have to take into account that the Ever After plays by rules that are a little bit different at times; this absolutely confirms that semblances, much like people, can change & grow! 💪

My conclusion: Volume 10 & beyond will show Qrow's personal semblance evolution as he finds out that his power is actually Fortune itself & the ability to control it, good and the bad.

[roosterforme]

Aim for the Sky Part 9 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: You were trying your best to enjoy the countdown to the arrival of the baby, but your emotions were all over the place. Even on your birthday, you couldn't tell if you were excited or anxious. Bradley planned to surprise you with something special, but he got a different kind of surprise instead.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, angst, swearing, injury while pregnant

Length: 4500 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

Aim for the Sky masterlist. This was written to accompany my series Is It Working For You? along with a bunch of my one-shots and other series, but it can be read on its own! Check my masterlist for the reading order.

Your parents' departure after Christmas left you antsy and anxious, and you knew Bradley could tell. All the talk about them potentially moving to California had you on edge, especially since everything was beginning to feel very real now. Your due date was creeping closer and closer, and you were starting to remember one solidly scary fact on an hourly basis now: neither you nor Bradley had any clue how to take care of a baby.

Your husband was so excited, it wasn't like you could feasibly bring up this topic of conversation. Every time you tried, he reminded you that he had watched dozens of Youtube videos. He told you that your parents were always just a call away. He assured you that if he was ever going to be successful at anything, it would be taking care of Rosie.

"I'm ready for the Nugget, Baby Girl," he told you as you got dressed to go out to the Hard Deck on New Year's Eve. He was already wearing the pink shirt you gave him for Christmas. The tiny matching one was tucked away in the closet in the nursery which brought a tear to your eye.

"I know you are," you sniffed, "but I'm still scared." You'd had a headache for the last few days, and food just hadn't sounded appealing to you. Your belly was getting enormous as your third trimester wore on, and everything was tender. "She'll be here so soon."

Bradley looked at your reflection in the bathroom mirror, his eyes lighting up as he smiled. "Eleven more weeks, but who's counting? Not me," he said, holding up his phone which had a 'Countdown to Rose' background on the screen. When you didn't even smile, he sighed and said, "I know you're nervous, Sweetheart. I get moments where I'm really nervous, too."

You pressed your lips together and tried to hold back the tears. You already knew how much he struggled with coming to terms with becoming a parent when he hadn't had either of his for such a long time. "The whole thing is going to hurt. And then we have to figure out what to do with an actual baby. Like this is going to be way different from nursing Tramp back to health. And I suddenly feel like I'm going to be terrible at this."

He had you in his arms immediately, and you were trying not to get your smeared makeup on his pink shirt. "It might hurt, but I'll be with you the whole time. And then I swear I'll take care of everything right afterwards so you don't have to. I'm planning on taking a few days off from work after Rosie gets here, and you can relax and be an amazing mom while I clean and take care of everything else."

You looked up at him as a tear slid down your cheek. "You're going to cook, Roo?" you asked, finally breaking into a smile.

His eyes went wide, and his lips parted wordlessly. You laughed at the worried look on his face even as you cried a little bit more. "Well, we can figure that part out. Or maybe you can freeze some dinners? I don't think I should be cooking."

"I agree," you hiccuped, wrapping your arms around him awkwardly with your belly in the way.

You were quiet for a bit before Bradley finally asked, "Would you rather stay home tonight?"

Of course you'd rather stay home. Nothing sounded as good as your bed these days. That was where he fucked you until you weren't horny anymore and then let you fall asleep in his arms while he read to you from the Nugget notebook. "No, I want to go out and see everyone," you told him, because you knew he wanted to go out. "We can sleep in tomorrow and do nothing."

He kissed the top of your head and murmured, "It'll be a relaxing week since we're going out for your birthday on Friday night."

"Are we?" you asked, suddenly feeling excited that he always remembered your day and made it special. "Where?"

"Hot sauce restaurant," he whispered. "And maybe a little something extra."

"A cake?" you gasped.

Bradley laughed as he wiped away your tears. "You want a cake? I'll get you a cake, Baby Girl. Anything you want."

-----------------------------

The Hard Deck was absolutely packed for New Year's Eve, and Bradley was getting worried that someone was going to bump into you. He tried to get you and your bottle of Gatorade tucked safely between his body and Nat's, but there were people shoving through the crowd in every direction.

"I've never seen it this crowded before," you said over the music. You'd just been talking to Jake about three feet away, but Bradley could only pay attention to anyone who looked drunk and unsteady on their feet while he sipped his own beer cautiously.

"Seriously," he replied. "Penny and Jimmy look panicked. That new bartender looks like she's going to cry."

You scanned the room, taking a small step away from him and Nat, and that's when you got bumped. "What the fuck, man?" Bradley shouted to some guy he'd never seen before when you stumbled back against him. "Watch where the fuck you're going."

"I'm fine, Roo," you assured him with your hand on his bicep, but Bradley glared daggers at him until he was out of your vicinity.

"You might be fine, but I want you to be safe and comfortable," he snarled, finally looking down at your pretty face as your straw rested on your lip. "I want you to feel as perfect as you look." Just then someone else bumped you into him, and his fingers curled into a fist.

You reached for his hand and shook it until his fingers uncurled and were laced with yours. "I want to tell you to stop, but you're seriously turning me on right now," you moaned, eyes glued to his face as your pupils grew wide. "Like a lot."

Bradley closed his eyes and took a deep breath as his body reacted to your words and the look you were giving him. His hand came to rest gently on your bump, stroking you through your shirt. You looked incredible right now, and you even tasted and smelled impossibly sweet to him. "It's way too early to leave," he rasped, glancing down your shirt as you took another sip of Gatorade. "But when we do, I promise you'll be well taken care of."

"Mmkay, Daddy," you replied, kissing his neck while Nat made an animated gagging face behind you.

"I was going to ask if either of you wanted to play darts with me, but not if you're going to start doing that all night," she said, but you were already bouncing with excitement. 

"I want to play!" you told her, shoving your drink into Bradley's free hand.

Nat grimaced but said, "Okay, fine. But only because you look happy, and the endorphins are probably good for the baby."

For the next forty-five minutes, Bradley acted as a human fence, trying to block anyone from jostling you while you and his best friends played darts. "You want to play, Roo?" you asked him at one point, holding up three darts in his direction.

"Who's going to guard you and Rosie if I play?" he asked, glaring at a woman who came tripping in your direction.

"She'll be fine," Nat told him, but he just shook his head and let you play. This was actually exhausting. He knew he'd be tired once the baby was born, but he hadn't been anticipating starting his protective duties this early. Soon he'd have his wife and his daughter to look after. Not that he minded. He was already living for it, but he didn't want to mess anything up. Your nerves were evident earlier as your hormones were constantly fluctuating, but he wasn't sure he had an excuse here.

"Are you listening?" you asked, patting his abs with the back of your hand. He could feel your engagement ring through his new shirt which made him smile unexpectedly. "It's almost midnight."

"Oh. Should we head home?" he asked, hoping he could get you out of here unscathed. The bar was getting a little wild now.

"Let's stay for the countdown and then head out. Get me a ginger ale?"

He grunted in response, looking for someone responsible to leave you with while he fought his way to the bar, but Bob was already gone on his deployment. Maria hadn't even come out tonight, and Cam was wasted. Bradley glanced at Jake and Cat who were looking quite cozy off in the corner, and he led you in that direction with his hands on your shoulders. "Stay with them," he told you, clearly interrupting the couple as you tried to dig your feet in.

"Hey, Angel," Jake said with a smirk. He had Cat's lipstick on his face and his arm around her waist, but he didn't seem too upset that Bradley dumped you there.

"Can you look after my wife while I get her something to drink? It's a little rough in here tonight. If anyone touches her, just punch them."

"I don't need a babysitter," you complained, but he kissed your forehead as Jake made room for you to stand against the wall.

"Yes, you do. I'll be right back."

Bradley fought his way up to the bar where everyone was reaching for the plastic champagne flutes that Jimmy was pouring. Penny saw him and immediately got him another beer, but he had to lean in and ask, "Can I get a ginger ale too, Pen?"

She shot him a little smile as she reached for the soda gun and a pint glass, and Bradley turned back to check on your current status. This time next year, you and he would be cozy at home with Rose, and there was nothing that could possibly make him want to be out for the night. A soft smile found his lips as he thought about coaxing his daughter to sleep and holding her against his chest while you and he watched New Year's Rockin' Eve on TV with Tramp on the area rug.

"Hey, handsome, you wanna buy me a drink?"

Bradley let his gaze shift down to the woman next to him, and he shook his head as she reached for his hand. "Absolutely not," he replied immediately, annoyed that someone was making his quest to get this drink and get back to you longer than it needed to be. He handed Penny ten dollars and grabbed your ginger ale before heading toward the back corner where you were waiting for him, safe and sound.

"Seriously, as soon as midnight hits, we're out of here, Sweetheart."

You sipped your soda and said, "Whatever you want."

-----------------------------

It turned out you and Bradley wanted the same thing. He had you both undressed by the time you got to your bedroom, and then the two of you stumbled into the bathroom, laughing between kisses. He tasted like beer, and his two day old stubble was rough, and you wanted him so badly you were aching for it. But he took the time to light two of the candles you left near the bathtub for when you wanted to take a relaxing bath, his hard cock bobbing as he walked. 

"I'm setting the mood," he whispered with a smile, the scars on his face intriguingly handsome in the candlelight.

"Bradley, I'm always in the mood at the moment," you reminded him. You could probably handle him four times a day right now if he could manage it.

"Just let me try to be romantic," he whined, pressing your butt against the edge of the vanity before spinning you around to face the mirror. "I want to romantically fuck the shit out of you."

Your giggles turned to moans as he guided himself deep into your pussy before stroking your clit with one sure fingertip and bracing his hand on the vanity next to yours. His abs were hard against your back, and his pelvic bones were sharp, digging into your rear end. He pulled out a few inches before thrusting deep once again with a delicious snap of his hips. His eyes looked impossibly dark reflecting in the mirror as he watched your breasts bounce as he repeated that same thrust once again.

"Look at you," he crooned softly, leaning in to kiss the shell of your ear as he fucked you a little faster. "Oh my god."

He dragged his big hand up from your clit to cup your belly softly, kissing along your neck as you already felt yourself pulsing around him. Those rough fingers soon found your nipple, and you gasped, "Bradley," which just seemed to egg him on.

He was sucking on your neck and murmuring sweetly incoherent nothings. "Baby Girl, these tits. Gonna love them. My fucking god. Massive."

Where you just saw stretch marks and oversized body parts, he saw something that made him go feral for you right now. Your boobs were so tender, but there was something about the way he was grabbing at you that made you just want more. His voice was deep as his teeth grazed your skin, fingers kneading into the side of your breast as you clenched around his cock which was once again shoved deep inside your pussy.

"Your nipples look fucking huge," he whined, his hips starting to stutter after each fluid movement. "Do you see this?" he asked, hand sliding up the valley between your breasts to grab your chin and aim your eyes upwards until you were studying yourself. Your lips were parted, and he was right, your breasts did look pretty incredible as the candle light flickered. And somehow your swollen belly looked almost cute as he slammed into you from behind and groaned your name. "I did this to you," he whispered, hand resting over your belly button. "But the rest of it is just how fucking sexy you are. I can't get enough."

When you met his wild gaze in the mirror, you let your head tip back to his shoulder, maintaining eye contact as you started to come. He held you tight to his body as his hips met your butt and his cock stroked you exactly how you needed him to. "Oh fuck," you gasped, legs starting to shake as you got closer.

"Good girl," he crooned next to your ear, his mustache prickling your skin as your eyes closed. He fucked you through your orgasm, voice mingling with yours, and before you know it, you were standing there panting while his cum dripped down your inner thighs.

You were a little dizzy, but he kept a firm hold on you as he kissed and tasted your neck, cheek and shoulder. His fingers were stroking your furled nipples, and your skin was on fire with pleasurable little aftershocks that you didn't want to stop. But you were so tired, you needed to get off your feet.

"Roo."

Maybe it was how you said it, or maybe it was the use of that pet name in general, but he seemed to know exactly what you needed with just that one word. He helped you to the toilet and cleaned up your legs while you used it. He brushed his teeth while you did yours, and then he waited for you to remove your contacts and wash your face before leading you to bed. When he climbed in next to you, he kissed your lips and let you get as comfortable as you could before whispering, "I love you both." You were asleep before he turned off his lamp.

----------------------------

Leading up to Friday, Bradley kept trying to sneak off to confirm the plans he made for your birthday. But when he tried to call the lounge in Del Mar first thing in the morning, nobody answered, and if he tried later in the day, there was always an interruption. And that interruption was usually you. On Thursday evening, he finally managed to sneak away to the garage where he planned on working out as soon as he made the phone call.

Once he verified that you were nowhere in sight or within earshot, he had his phone pressed to his ear. When someone answered, he quickly said, "Hi, this is Bradley Bradshaw. I just wanted to confirm my rental agreement for the rooftop space for tomorrow night. I have the hour-long private event planned."

"Yes, sir. The space and the DJ are all yours from nine to ten o'clock tomorrow night."

"Great," he replied, head still on a swivel even though he was pretty sure you were doing a load of laundry inside the house. That's when you came strolling into the garage with a snack in your hand, and he quickly ended the call after a muttered thank you. "Hey," he told you as he awkwardly tossed his phone onto the tool bench and picked up one of his dumbbells.

You stood there in one of his old, stretched out tee shirts and a pair of maternity shorts and chewed on an unsalted pretzel. "Who were you talking to?" you asked. He should have known he wasn't going to get away with you not noticing.

"Uh... nobody," he muttered, and you raised one eyebrow in response. He sighed. "I don't want to tell you, because it's a surprise for your birthday tomorrow, okay?"

You smiled and told him, "Okay, Roo. No worries." You bit into another pretzel, and Bradley realized how tired you looked.

"Did you finish eating dinner?"

"No," you replied softly. "I just want a few pretzels. I have like no appetite."

Your next appointment with Dr. Morris was coming up in a week, and he had been wondering if it was bad that you hadn't gained really any weight since before Christmas. Work had been very busy for you the past few days with the arrival of some sort of new scientific equipment that completely baffled him. You were exhausted after one round of sex now, which was definitely a change of pace from a month ago. He almost blushed when he thought about how the two of you spent your first wedding anniversary.

"I think you need to eat something with some substance or protein or something, Sweetheart."

"I can't," you snapped. "Everything else makes me feel awful. You should try being pregnant, Bradley. It kind of sucks."

He didn't know how to respond, because the last thing he wanted to do was piss you off the night before your birthday. "Okay. Well, will you let me know if I can get you anything?"

You nodded as you chewed up another pretzel before yawning. "I came out to watch you get all sweaty for a minute before I head to bed."

"In that case," he said, laying back on his bench, "let me get started, birthday girl."

You were smiling again as he unlocked his barbell and got to work.

----------------------------

You woke up on your birthday to the feel of Bradley's hand on your hip and his voice in your ear, slowly coaxing you from your dream. "Happy birthday, Sweetheart." You rolled over and were met with his brown eyes and his messy bed head, and he collected you in his arms. "It's my second favorite day of the year."

His body was warm, and the last thing you wanted to do was go to work today. "Pretty soon it will be your third favorite day of the year," you croaked. When his brow furrowed, you guided his hand to your belly and said, "Don't even try to tell me the Nugget's birthday won't surpass it."

Your husband shook his head. "It'll be a tie," he whispered, kissing your forehead as the baby thumped around. "Hey, Rosie is saying happy birthday, too!"

You moaned softly. "Rosie is hungry but doesn't seem to like any foods right now."

Bradley ran his fingers along your cheek before kissing that spot. "I'm hoping the hot sauce restaurant will hit the spot for you tonight. Plus I have a fun surprise for afterwards."

It was worth a try. Hot sauce was one of the only things that didn't sound disgusting to you at the moment. In fact, Bradley poured you a little bowl of your favorite kind for you to dip your granola bar into while he made some coffee, and you did feel a bit better. Your stomach gurgled as he plopped down onto the piano bench to play the birthday song and sing to you. 

As ridiculous as he looked sitting there in his boxer briefs with his hair still a mess, you knew you could never love someone the way you loved him. He was going to be such a good dad. He already built the playset and had the nursery almost ready. He had a countdown going on his phone. He picked out an outfit for the baby to wear home from the hospital. And he took care of you all the time.

"I love you, Roo," you promised, wrapping him up in a hug and kissing along the gray hairs at his temple. "I can't wait for dinner later."

As soon as you were dressed in your hideous maternity tent, Bradley drove both of you to work, and you found yourself stifling yawn after yawn. You were beginning to doubt that you could make it through work let alone a whole date night, but you didn't want to tell him that. Not when he was playing your favorite songs and holding your hand while he drove. Not when he had his arm draped over your shoulders as he walked you all the way up to your office and kissed you like his life depended on it.

"I love you," he murmured before dropping down to one knee to press a kiss to your bump. "Be extra nice to Mommy today, little Nugget." You could feel her squirm around as she seemed to recognize his voice. "She's got a busy day planned for her birthday."

Then he was back on his feet, zipping his flight suit up fully, and with one last kiss, he was heading toward the elevators.

After just an hour in the lab, it was evident that the granola bar and hot sauce had not been enough for breakfast. You desperately wanted to sneak back to your office and dig around in your snack reserve in your desk to take the edge off if you could. You were currently waging a war between being hungry and simultaneously appalled by food.

"Are you okay?" Cat asked, nudging your arm with her elbow as Bickel droned on about the equipment that was on loan from Lemoore's engineering department. He was hoping that in the next two months, you and the others would be able to help him build a more streamlined interface for the F/A-18s. It wasn't that you weren't interested, because you were. You just couldn't focus very well at the moment.

"I'm fine," you told Cat who gave you side eye but stood quietly next to you. It would have been beneficial to have taken your birthday off and spent it in bed, but it was too late for that.

After an indeterminate amount of time, Bickel finally stopped talking, but then he called your name. You met his gaze and realized he looked very excited.

"Yes, sir?" you asked him, taking a step forward. You felt awful. Even the sound of your boot squeaking on the floor set your teeth on edge. Your head had begun to pound at some point in the morning, and now it felt like your brain was attacking your skull.

"Come help me test it out," he said, his voice grating on your nerves in a way it never had before.

Your next step was a bit of a stumble, and you tried to reach for the edge of the counter. You were going to throw up. The urge to gag left you reeling, searching for something to hold onto. Cat was calling your name as Bickel's eyes went wide, but when you reached for him, your hand caught on the instrumentation instead. It hurt a lot, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as your knee connecting with the cabinet. You needed someone to reach you before you hit the floor, but you weren't that lucky. You wrapped your arm around your belly the best you could, but as soon as you hit the floor, you were met with blackness.

-----------------------------

Bradley didn't really need practice dogfighting, but it certainly was fun anyway. Especially when he was up against Jake late in the morning. The taunting was comical and getting more absurd by the minute.

"Hey, Hangman, why don't you hang it up, man. You're done," he said as he shot the other pilot down for the third time in a row.

"Lay an egg, birdman," came the response through his helmet that made him chuckle.

Bradley was just pulling up on his throttle to gain some altitude and go again when he heard Maverick's voice crackle through his helmet. 

"Wheels on the tarmac. Both of you. Rooster first, then Hangman." The tone of his voice left Bradley wondering what was going on. The weather was beautiful, and he was actually enjoying this exercise immensely. In a few hours, he'd be feeding you anything you wanted off the dinner menu at your favorite restaurant before indulging you in your very own, private silent disco.

But as soon as he touched down and started to taxi back toward the hangar, he saw Maverick and Nat running his way. Then he heard her voice through his helmet. "Open your canopy. You need to get out now. Your wife is in the emergency room."

A chill colder than ice shot through his body. Something was wrong with you or the baby, and he hadn't been there to help you. "What?" he gasped, saliva starting to pool at the back of his tongue, making it hard to swallow. "What happened?"

Nat didn't respond, but as soon as his jet came to a stop, she had his ladder ready for him. The rush of fresh air that hit him as his canopy opened did nothing to make him feel better as she shouted for him to climb down. Something happened to one of his girls. He hadn't been there. As soon as he was able to control his body, he climbed down as quickly as he could, skipping the last few rungs. When Nat reached for his hand, he could see the alarmed look in her eyes, and he started crying.

"What happened?" he asked again, but she just pulled her car keys from her pocket while she grasped his hand, and he ran with her to the parking garage.

--------------------------------

Omg, why am I doing this? I hope Nat can drive fast. Thanks @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 10

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[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Special Interest 6

Warnings: non/dubcon, age gap, creep behaviour, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

Characters: Cole Turner, short!reader

Part of the Bookstore AU

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

Saturday morning has you in a fog as you awake from a long night of vivid but forgotten dreams. You can't recall a single detail but you're thoroughly irritated by your nocturnal alternate reality. As you go down to claim your morning coffee and bid away the headache looming behind your brow, you're greeted by your parents' voices.

"Hmm, it's still doing that thing," your dad huffs, "strange."

"I told you, hon," your mom hums, "that nice man says it's um, you know, this U part... well... I can't remember exactly what he said."

You drag your feet into the kitchen and squint, "call a plumber, please. I'm done getting sprayed in the face."

"You got plumber money?" Your dad snips, "look, I can figure it out. I'll check the Facebook group."

"I'm sure all the boomers on their will know exactly how to lift the sink up by its bootstraps," you chuckle.

"Honey," your mother warns as your dad fumbles with his phone, jabbing at the screen with his index finger.

"I'm not a boomer," he grumbles as he shakes his head.

"Kidding," you fill the coffee carafe from the fridge filter to avoid further breaking the sink, "you know I'm teasing."

"Huh, says here I got the wrong part," your dad scratches his chin, "s'alright, I gotta grab a few things down at the depot anyway."

"How much are you going to spend before you get a professional in here?" Your mother challenges.

"It's eleven bucks, honey," your dad retorts with a sickly sweetness in his tone, "you wanna come with me?"

"Ugh, no, I'm making lemon meringue."

"Lemon mer-- why on earth are you going to all that trouble?"

"Because, Wilson, is it's a nice day and I want pie--"

Right, you're going to let the coffee brew as their marital discord does the same. Your parents tend to swing between head over heels and to the point of throwing hands on any day. A stormy but efficient relationship. It hardly lends credence to your mother's desperate pleas for you to snag a husband.

You go back upstairs and sit down at your work table. You open your planner and review your tasks for the day. Print some stickers, get some more work down on that infinity scarf, and maybe a nap if you make good progress. First, some music to drown out your parents as they go back and forth. Oh marriage does seem like a fairytale.

🧶

Your day wanes away to afternoon as you furrow your brow at your needles. You slouch uncomfortable against a pile of pillows against the corner of the wall. Your legs are bent atop the bed as a Youtube video plays on your phone and fills the void. The ombre effect looks good but this is sure tedious.

The fall grays to a winterly malaise. The only good thing about this time of year is the opportunity to wear turtlenecks and drown in hot drinks. Thinking of, you could use another. Maybe not coffee, but hot chocolate could scratch your itch. You loop the scarf over your neck as you jostle off the bed and keep up your looping.

You drift out of your room, crocheting and peeking up every few steps. You make a lazy descent and as you come to the first floor, you hear a commotion in the kitchen. Is your dad still at it? At this rate, you may as well just toss the sink out.

You enter, hoping that a hot chocolate isn't too much to ask. You stop short as you see two legs sticking out from beneath the sink. Those are not your father's boots. Did he really cave and hire a plumber?

Your mother hovers over the man, watching him as she leans on the open cupboard door.

"Thank you so much for doing this," she preens, "so lucky you could make it over. I swear, Wilson was going to drive himself to an aneurysm," she babbles. That's the thing, even service workers are a target for her ramblings. You pity the man stuck beneath the pipes, trapped with her yammering.

"Yeah, no problem, beats the troughs at the farm," the man responds lightly.

Suddenly you don't feel so bad for him as you recognise his voice. Your mother sure is an idiot. She invited this weirdo into her home? Your home? You can't say you're surprised, only deeply disappointed.

Before you can flee, your mother's attention is drawn by the unintentional click of your needles as they hit each other. Fuck.

"There you are, sweetie. Look who came to fix the sink," she chimes.

"Ugh," is all you give her as you commit to your mission. You poke the needles into the yarn and let them hang. You grab a packet of chocolate powder and mug. You keep your back to the duo as you flip on the kettle to boil.

"Hey," Cole says, his voice no longer muffled beneath the counter.

You don't acknowledge him. You mom harrumphs.

"Honey, don't be like that. He's a guest," she tuts, "oh, Cole," she continues on her tittering, "I made some pie, do you want to stay for dinner?"

You growl. This isn't going to work. You think you'll just starve in your room. You narrow your eyes at the kettle, willing the water to boil telepathically. It doesn't work.

"Well, I'd hate to impose," he says, grunting as he sets his feet and stands, his shadow rising over your shoulder. "Alright, so this is what we're going to do, start the dishwasher. It should create enough pressure to clear the block."

“Oh, you're so clever,” your mother praises. “And it's no problem, we have more than enough. It must be such a far way, I couldn't send you off just like that.”

“He probably has work to do on his farm. His home. Hanging out with the pigs or whatever,” you chirp.

“We don't have pigs. Got some chickens though. Oh, you should try some of the eggs,” Cole brushes by your insult, “maybe I could bring you some–”

“Probably not necessary, they sell eggs at the 7 Eleven.”

“Don't be so rude,” your mother snaps, “you're embarrassing yourself and me. If you're going to keep this up, you won't have any pie.”

“Fine with me,” you stick your tongue out.

“Look, hey,” Cole injects with his palms out, “I guess… I guess it's time to come clean. Camila, your daughter, she has a good reason to hate me. We've met before and I put my foot in my mouth and I think I embarrassed her so for that I apologise. I feel awful about it and I should've brought it up sooner.”

“Oh, wow, you–” your mom reels at the revelation, “well, I think then it's meant to be. The universe brought you back so you can apologise. Honey,” she turns to you, “can't you forgive him?”

You blink. The kettle clicks off as it boils. You glance between them. You turn your back to the kitchen and fill your mug, stirring with a spoon before tramping off without a word.

His act might work on her but you know he didn't find you to say sorry. He's too old to be wasting his time on you. He's pathetic.

[gryhmz]

The Coffin of Elfen and Leyley: Incest and Questionable Consent in 2000s Media.

WARNING: This blog post mentions numerous sensitive subjects such as incest, questionable consent, murder, cannibalism, sexually explicit material, and real-life criminal cases. If any of the following is bothersome, I would highly suggest scrolling past this post. Thank you.

ANOTHER WARNING: This post contains spoilers for Elfen Lied and The Coffin of Andy and Leyley. If you wish to avoid spoilers, I would highly suggest clicking off this post and come back once you have finished both. Thank you.

Hello (again), it's grim.

I wanted to discuss an interesting phenomenon that I've taken note of over the past couple of years that seems to always cause internet controversy: The rise of taboo subjects found in modern media.

Now, I want to clarify that I hold very libertarian beliefs when it comes to media. If you can think it, it can be written, regardless of how inappropriate the content is. However, I also believe that there should be consequences to such writings depending on the substance.

The two topics I'll be talking about today are The Coffin of Andy and Leyley and Elfen Lied. These are both pieces of media that I have consumed in the past 2 years, and have noticed a trend between taboo subjects and how their respective authors and/or fanbases have used their taboo nature to repurpose characters and relationships for inappropriate media.

While I believe these pieces of media can be criticized in any manner due to their taboo nature, I would argue in defense of their conception since there is no exact promotion of the taboo nature represented throughout the mentioned medias. I believe this is important to state, for I solely disagree with the creation of media that promotes a taboo and/or illegal act rather than just the representation of such acts.

Images of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley (left) and Elfen Lied (right)

To make this analysis and opinionated piece easier to read, I will be going through my opinions and personal experiences with both of these medias separately. To do this, I will be separating taboo into two subsections:

Illegal Taboo

Questionable Taboo

While I would argue that there is probably some grey area between the two of these, I am simply dividing the taboos into two separate categories because my stance on illegal and questionable taboo slightly changes. Furthermore, the taboos in TCOAAL and Elfen Lied are very different. I believe it would be unfair to compare incest and questionable consent content. Both are taboo, both have been countlessly debated for and against, but incest has stable, concrete laws set against it (at least in the United States) while the other doesn't.

Let's get into the analysis.

Illegal Taboo (The Coffin of Andy and Leyley)

Screenshot from the love/incest route of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley

Oh boy, where do I start. I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting myself into when I first stumbled upon this game. I saw the art style of the game in a YouTube video where the uploader had referred to the siblings as "lovers," which gave me the impression that the main characters of the game were not blood relatives. By the time I had seen the controversy plastered all over Twitter and Reddit about the TCOAAL's "questionable" content, I had already bought the game, which put me in a tough dilemma: Do I immediately refund the game or do I give it a chance?

I bet you can guess which one I picked.

Me being the curious individual that I am, I decided to keep the game. I had a million thoughts rush through my mind about the decision I had just made. What if the game actually has illegal content? People must be exaggerating the situation. I'm sure that the incest claims are probably just false. If it does have a plot that revolves around such content, maybe its just a small tidbit of the game. No biggie. These thoughts did not stop, and I wasn't sure what to do next.

One of the only screenshots from Episode 2 of TCOAAL that isn't horrendous

For a month or so, I avoided the game like the plague. I held off on installing it, I avoided it on Twitter, Reddit, and Instagram as best as I could (for both spoilers and online biases), and I refused to talk about the game with anyone that I knew. I planned to play the game, but I wanted all the controversy to die off first so I could play it without too much backlash. Unfortunately in this world, outrage has become the people's first emotion to anything, so even if your reasoning for such an action is rational and fair, you might still be attacked for simply touching new media without an initial bias.

When I finally got around to playing the game, I was genuinely pleased. Episode 1 has nothing over-the-top, and the incest that people were talking about was yet to be seen. So I didn't think anything of it. I scrolled through my social media and just continued assuming that people were hating on TCOAAL simply for being a new trend.

Then Episode 2 came around.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet: There is incestuous acts and behaviors littered throughout the game, and people online were certainly right.

Below, I have a handful of screenshots that I took showcasing the romantic and sexual tension and acts between the two siblings. There's a bit of it.

(I'm not kidding, all of these are in the game)

Now, I will give TCOAAL fans this, the vast majority (9 of the 10 images) of the incestuous content above is NOT easy to come across. There are very specific routes that you must past through in Episode 2 to come across these screenshots. So it's not as "obvious" as people online made it out to be. In fact, it took me roughly 3 hours of additional gameplay to reach all the different endings for Episode 2, so it certainly is time consuming.

For the sake of time and my sanity, I will NOT be showing how to reach these scenarios. I will only say that you will know if you stumble across the lover/incest route because the NARRATOR THEMSELF warns you NOT to continue down the route.

While I don't think that the incestuous undertones of the story should be the entire definition of the series, I can understand why people dislike it. What is so genius about giving Leyley a romantic and sexual interest in Andrew is that it does one simple thing that the creator wanted to hit home: It makes people uncomfortable. It simply does what every other piece of horror/thriller media tries to do, and it does it well. I don't see it as any more or less uncomfortable as the barbwire scene from Saw I, and the fact that the creator could pull that off just by making Leyley an incestuous, manipulative creep is stunning.

Furthermore, TCOAAL acts as an interesting question for psychology: Does social deprivation, abandonment, isolation, hopelessness, and manipulation play a role in one's moral compass? We see that Andrew's behavior towards Leyley dramatically changes throughout Episode 2 depending on whether you choose to trust and sympathize with Leyley. In addition to a change in behavior, we also see that (most notably the incest route) Andrew accepts his nickname "Andy" again, which he hates due to its connection with a murder that he committed with his sister in Episode 1 (not going into too much detail). It is also noted that Andrew's ex-girlfriend Julia had trouble with Leyley's dominating presence in Andrew's life, which would lead her to stop communicating with him. His degree of whether he cares or not changes based on his sympathy towards Leyley, highlighting how relationships in Andrew's life highly changes based on how much he lets Leyley abuse his existence.

Backstory that showcases Andrew's love interest that abandons him in Episode 1

In short, TCOAAL has many more layers than the internet made it out to be, but the incestuous routes and behaviors between Andrew and Leyley can be seen as concerning. I'll come back to this shortly.

Questionable Taboo (Elfen Lied)

Famous cover art for Elfen Lied showcasing Lucy in the nude.

Now, I watched Elfen Lied in 2022, so I'm just putting it out here that it has been a while since I have watched the anime. Furthermore, I have not read the manga, so my observations are SOLELY off the anime adaptation of Elfen Lied.

Just like TCOAAL, I do NOT think that the story of Elfen Lied is overly terrible. While I do think that TCOAAL has a more sound story line, I do think that Elfen Lied did an okay job at showcasing the selfishness and cruelty of humanity. However, there has always been a part of the show that doesn't sit right with me and many other viewers, and that is Kouta's (the main male protagonist) relationships with Yuka and Lucy.

Throughout the entirety of the show, Kouta partakes in relationships that are considered extremely taboo, especially in the western world. For one, he marries and supposedly procreates with his cousin Yuka at the end of the anime and manga, which is gross and highly disturbing to me, and I am certainly not the only one who feels that way. Almost any search through r/elfenlied would show the outrage and confusion that many people hold towards such a decision. Below are just a couple of what can be found about Kouta and Yuka's relationship (which is also ironically incestuous):

However, one thing that I do not see talked about a ton is Kouta's HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE relationship with Lucy. While Lucy is not human and is considered to be a Diclonius (some sort of humanoid), some of the scenes and plot points feel as if the author wanted to bank off of questionable consent. Many scenes throughout the anime highlight that Lucy is "sexually curious," which makes perfect sense in theory, but is implemented horribly into the anime. Scenes like Kouta observing Lucy's private parts and random butt shots of Lucy just make the entire show uncomfortable, and I would even argue it normalizes taking advantage of the mentally immature for sexual purposes, which could be considered sexual abuse and/or rape (especially since Elfen Lied is a fan service ecchi).

I understand that mangakas and Japanese culture call for the normalization of nudity, but Elfen Lied fails horribly at making a good case. Elfen Lied could have looked over to other medias such as Ghost in the Shell and Imouto Sae Ireba Ii do a much better job at implementing casual and artistic nudity in their shows while still offering tidbits of fan service to the horny. But, I digress.

Nudity is showcased in both Imouto Sae Ireba Ii and Ghost in the Shell and don't face the same criticism as Elfen Lied

Regardless of how I feel about the previously mentioned, I will give the mangaka of Elfen Lied this: They did a great job making the viewers uncomfortable. I would even argue that Lynn Okamoto did a better job making me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable compared to The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, and it's been two years since I last saw Elfen Lied, so props to Okamoto!

My Personal Take on Taboos in Media

(Now that I scroll through images of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley and Elfen Lied, there really are a ton of similarities...)

In short, I do not think that these taboos make The Coffin of Andy and Leyley and Elfen Lied "bad." Distasteful? Sure. Gross? Most definitely. But, my concern for these medias stems from the fact that modern media has failed to hit home the ideas that these might be inappropriate taboos to normalize in modern internet culture. Simply going through tags such as "gravecest" and "coffincest" on Tumblr showcases the questionably deranged behaviors hardcore TCOAAL fans have towards the story's incest plot.

I was fairly surprised to find out the Elfen Lied has not been overly sexualized over the years. While I am thankful for that, I do believe that Okamoto was wrong for writing up a manga and anime that focused on a humanoid character solely for the purpose of being sexually taken advantage of. She could've done a much better job at handling the fan service without making Elfen Lied look like a promotion for sexual and mental abuse.

I believe all that really matters and what can be taken away from this analysis is that taboo subjects can be used in media as long as the intent and the targeted audience work together. For instance, I believe that The Coffin of Andy and Leyley's questionable use of incest as a story principle is okay since the author does not call for the promotion of incest in the story nor does the entire story revolve around the incestuous behaviors of the two main characters. BUT, rule 34 content of the game that showcases such explicit, incestuous acts between the siblings should be criticized since R34 content is solely made for pornographic purposes with no substance to the story's canon. I am also okay with Okamoto's usage of incest and questionable consent in Elfen Lied since it plays into the storyline and theme of the anime, but the fan service showcased in the show should be criticized since it was easily used as a lazy way to throw borderline pornography into the anime, therefore ruining the point of "artistic" and "normalized" nudity.

In short: I don't think using taboos in media should be illegal unless the media in question is a direct reflection of a real-life scenario (like the 2019 Shadman incident), but public criticism is certainly understandable on a case-by-case basis.

Thanks for reading, I am extremely tired.

grim.

[rigelmejo]

Anyone language learning: are there any specific skills among listening, reading, speaking, and writing, that you find degrade less over time? As in, even when you take months or years off of studying, that particular skill remains fairly strong and "comes back" to you within a few days/weeks of doing it again.

For me, reading skill is hands down what seems to come back fairly well even when I take months off of studying or reading in the language. Even when I took over a year off from French, and read almost nothing, the ability to read the kinds of books I was able to read prior to the break, came back within a few hours of picking up a French book again. I take a break from reading Chinese for a few months, every so often, since I'm focusing harder on my Japanese study. And each time I come back to reading Chinese, the ability to read the kinds of novels I was reading prior to the break, comes back within a few hours.

In comparison, my listening skills are so all over the place with Chinese that they seem to degrade super quick - a week without listening to anything and I start to have difficultly listening to audiobooks again, but then a baseline-level of comprehension comes back after I start listening to audiobooks again for a few days. The more I listen to audiobooks, as in daily for a few weeks, the more the comprehension goes back up until it appears to be the listening skill level I had prior to the break, then even higher comprehension compared to the last time I was practicing listening.

My French listening skills are not strong in comparison, but they're around mid to upper beginner (in how many words I recognize when listening), and pretty much always restart there when I take a break from French listening then come back. Then if I keep listening to French for several more days after that return to mid-beginner baseline, I find I can comprehend stuff made for B1 level (like Comprehensible Input French youtube channel's B1 videos) which is closer to my reading level (my reading is maybe around B2 - I can read whatever without looking up words, but niche subjects may have more unknown words for me).

My speaking and writing skills are non existent lol. So they start from like a ~500 active vocabulary base again, every time I take a break then speak again and get back to the level I was before. What will happen is I'll need to speak Chinese again, remember 5 words and then only non-Chinese words will come to mind when I think of anything I want to say (like French or Japanese words), then try to speak more for a few weeks and ~300-500+ words will return to my active vocabulary (stuff like baba mama nuer erzi haizi yi ge beizi shui... when before I was only able to recall stuff like obasan otosan shoujo shounen garcon l'eau mizu), and then I can say simple stuff again like "I have 2 dogs, a sister, my sister's X year's old and has 3 kids, my dad plays guitar, my mom makes paintings, I live X, I like X. I'm okay, you? What does X mean? I hate when it's cold. It's too cold." But the things I can say is still nowhere close to all the things I can read. Eventually around 500 or more words come back to my active vocabulary, and I stop recalling French or Japanese when I'm trying to speak Chinese, after a month or so. And then at that point, I can have small talk conversations but still not anything more in depth (although being able to ask "that means what?" and "can we talk about X" help me start pushing the conversations a little more in depth, if I'm practicing with someone, since I can sometimes recall a much more specific word about a topic I'm interested in, even though the passive vocabulary is way bigger and much of it's not in my ability to actively recall when talking).

[charmixpower]

Ship bingo for Brandon/Sky and Timmy/Helia maybe? 💕

I put an asterisk next to the cannon thingy because 1) I think caring about if a ship is canon is a waste of my time 2) ergo I don't care if the ship is canon but AT LEAST ONE OF THEM HAVE HAD A CRUSH ON THE OTHER AND MUCH LIKE BRANDON TRYING TO KISS TIMMY THIS CRUSH SHOULD BE ACKNOWLEDGED BY CANON

Anyways Brandon cannonly has had a crush on Sky at least once in his life and cannons silence on this matter is TELLING

Jk anyways I like this ship, it's terrible in a codependency way and they absolutely need to learn to be people separate of each other but if they start dating before RF (which is how I usually imagine this ship) that would be literally impossible so it gets a pass. Both of you still need hobbies and to learn to exist from one another tho

They've kissed at least once bc Sky mentioned being bicurious to Brandon during middle school and Brandon was like "come here bby girl, quick fix" and that was both of their first kisses thank you next

Even when this ship isn't canon it exists in the background, I refuse to look at an interpretation of them that doesn't have at least a little gayness in their relationship. Sure one of them can be straight or whatever but one of them has to be interested in the other. It happened, you can't lie to me

"You're worse than Riven and Sky" "I'll take that as a compliment" "it's not. Stop dangling him off the side of RF" "booo"

That's it. That's the ship

It's a really cute "the one that seems reasonable" x "the one that keeps them from biting people"

I can just see them holding hands and talking about everything they see around the city or nature, talking about everything and nothing at all enjoying each others company, learning to be confident and love themselves together

Yes I think Helia's behavior can be traced back to deep insecurity. Why, you ask. Simple, it's canon to comics Helia who is superior

OH

I've had this headcanon forever but they make sort like YouTube videos together about Random shit. Helia makes the art and Timmy edits, they both work on the scripts and pick the topics

Idk I've always had the idea that the specialists once everyone ends up as celebrities make a YouTube channel to talk about all the insane shit that went down in their lives and to also help the Winx's public perception to seem more like the nomral people who ended up in this shit that they are than whatever the media is going off about and it was Timmy's and Helia's idea

....okay it was also created because they were really bored and wanted to do random stupid shit and thought subjecting their friends to it would be funniest

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

Do you think Kino would be a famous game streamer for the recognition he so craves. Feel free to throw in any drug discussion to.

woahhh i haven't given much thought to kino to be honest. i tend to make him a streamer in most of my AUs simply because it feels like he Would. when we were on a call on monday, somebody said kino would be a streamer but have no followers and i think that's pretty fuckin funny.

i'll talk about the concept some more, but // drug discussion and mentions of SA warning

and while we're on the topic, i have a kino playlist here.

kino, as he does in canon, does fucked up shit for attention. like, there were several times in different lost eden routes where he complained because people were paying attention to other people and not him. i specifically remember in laito's LE where they're giving laito some intervention and kino is like ??? EXCUSE ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

so yeah, kino wants attention. but i think it's negative attention he wants. he thrives off negative attention because to be honest, i don't think he'd tolerate positive attention because he doesn't believe it.

as a streamer, if he got famous, he'd definitely be well-known on other platforms. i think he'd have a youtube account, instagram, i can imagine him making really problematic tiktoks too. he would stir shit about himself. he'd start rumours about himself and then think it's funny when allegations catch up to him. but yknow, there's nothing people can say to insult him which he'd be offended by.

we do see this in canon too. pretty much the only way of hurting kino's feelings is to ignore him. to not pay attention to him. maybe if you bruised his ego by mentioning something sensitive he'd be hurt. but when other characters insult his actions, or when yui reprimands him, he pretty much takes it as a compliment. it's one of the reasons i think kino is the cuntiest character there is.

but yeah, as an online personality, he'd stir shit up because negative attention is good. like that quote in i don't care by fall out boy, "i don't care what you think, as long as it's about me" - that's kino. in fact i can imagine him having that in his tiktok bio or something.

honestly, kino is a pretty shitty person and he's definitely not above sexual harassment/assault even. it's pretty shit but i can imagine a scenario where there's SA allegations against him but does he care? no. people still come to watch his streams and listen to him insulting the other players for making his team lose or something (i'm not a gamer can you tell)

drugs, hm. i never thought much about kino as a drug. i guess there's more vulnerable characters but i can imagine kino also doing stupid shit while on drugs. probably get caught on video doing it.

i realised a few days ago that a lot of the times when i write about the topic of drugs, i talk about them from a negative point of view. and i want to make it clear than about 90% of all drug experiences people have are positive. my experiences with recreational drugs are very positive. it's just that when handling vulnerable, very unstable characters, it's unlikely that they'd manage to use recreationally.

with that said, i don't imagine kino getting hooked on one drug. i think he'd use a mix of uppers. probably mdma, coke, and some psychedelics here and there. maybe he'd abuse speed every now and again in order to do a 24-hour stream or something.

but in general, i don't think kino needs drugs to get his dopamine fix to fill that hole inside him. at least not in an AU where he's a famous streamer making himself a problematic icon.

[sparklyeevee]

Also, like, and I'm mostly summarizing other people's thoughts here, which I'll link to if my headache gets better before I finish writing this.

Say you're a museum curator, a high school biology teacher, an author of popular nonfiction (for children or adults), an art or film critic. You're not usually gonna be deeply involved in knowledge production, because research is usually expensive and your position likely doesn't come with funding for it, and in any case there are only so many hours in a working day and you're using yours for other things. If everything is working how it's supposed to, you likely have a BA or BS, maybe even an MA or MS, in the field. If everything is working how it's supposed to, this means you understand the big words. If everything is working how it's supposed to, you make an effort to stay up to date on your subject matter. Like I said, you don't have time to do your own research. You also don't have time to slog through a layman-friendly explanation of the entire current state of a topic in order to learn about every new thing that comes out, and even if you did, the researchers, the users of the big words, don't have time to write it, nor do most of them have the aptitude for it. That's someone else's job. In point of fact, in this scenario, its your job. You read the short articles with the long words, and figure out how to explain what's in them to people who lack the ability or inclination to do so, because that's literally your job. You figure out how to provide the necessary background, the appropriate plain language (or explanation of specialized terms), to present the information in a book that the regular bookstore will carry, or a lecture in your classroom, or a little sign at the museum, or hell, in this day and age, a podcast or a YouTube video.

Now, maybe I don't trust you to interpret all those long words for me. That's my right, yeah? But in that case my choices are to either learn to make sense of the big words my own self (hard) or live in ignorance (risky).

And like, yeah, some researchers are also absolutely shit writers whose work is difficult even for other experts to make sense of, and some people in the knowledge transmission roles described above either have an agenda or are just terrible at their jobs, but that's kind of a separate issue. We need to push the humanities, and basic writing skills, harder for the STEM guys, and we need to push Touching Grass Occasionally harder on the humanities guys, and we've all got to use our critical thinking skills, but beyond that I don't know a workaround for this one. But like, I don't know if this is still a thing, but back when podcasts were something you downloaded on the computer and put on your iPod, the American Journal of Psychiatry, and in fact a number of the big journals, had podcasts, which explained the important findings in the latest issue in terms a 9th grader (me) could follow with an occasional Google search.

Anyway, if you're feeling sorta walled out by the actual research in an area of interest, go find other nonfiction about it by people whose actual job includes explaining things to non-experts. If you're not sure how to identify what's useful and reliable, here's some off the top of my head tips

More recent is typically better. If there's something older that's still highly relevant, your newer sources will likely reference it.

They cite their damn sources. You should be able to work backwards to the actual research and/or primary sources from which the author is working.

They acknowledge controversies and points of uncertainty within the field, and acknowledge the case for all legitimate sides, even if they're firm in their own position on a contentious issue.

They do not frequently use block capitals or, in the case of audio or audiovisual materials, raise their voice.

Their reasoning is easy to follow. Relatively easy, anyway - I know this is the ADHD website, but if you find it more than usually difficult to follow what you're reading or hearing, either they're not communicating well or they're trying to convince you of something for which they can't make a well-supported, well-reasoned argument.

You can figure out what their qualifications are.

The text does not open with excessive self-promotion. It may take a minute to get a sense of what's usual for any given medium and field, but if it feels like they're trying weirdly hard to sell you something, including their other work, go careful.

The whole “scientists use big words on purpose to be exclusive” is such a bunch of anti-intellectual bullshit. Specific and concise language exists for a reason; you need the right words to convey the right meaning, and explaining stuff right is a hugely important part of science. Cultures that live around loads of snow have loads of words to describe different types of snow; cultures that live in deserts have loads of words to describe different types of sand. Complex language is needed for complex meaning.

[rezdragon]

By the way, I forgot to mention that I've finally moved back to my office.

If you didn't know (which I don't blame you), back in June of this year, I had to move my workstation out to the living room because the chair out there was easier on my hip than my office chair. Sitting in my office chair caused pain so intense I had to bed rest for 14 hours. I honestly was never sure why. I can only guess that my office chair just does not support my pelvis as well as I thought it did.

Anyways, I have a reason for retreating back to my goon cave, so I'll explain under the cut because it gets a little venty and bitchy.

Well first of all, I've been practicing walking around the house without my cane for two weeks now to try and get some strength back into my legs and waist. I honestly have lost so much strength down there. Now the pain from me walking excessively comes from my muscles being so weak that they just cannot handle the load anymore.

When I was working on new material for Tamesu, I had to sit in my office to record shit, and I was sitting in a much more uncomfortable plastic card table chair. I sat there for two hours recording whatever and I found that I wasn't in a lot of pain anymore, mostly just overall discomfort.

So I figured I'd take the risk and return to my office. I say "risk" because, again, I had to move my whole ass work station out to the living room. It took 45 minutes to take all of that shit back to my office (harddrives, computer and charging cable, mouse with pad, USB tree to support drives, Zoom H5, my headphones, my camera [recently used], my desk fan that keeps my computer cool, my macro pad, and all my damn medication).

However, the main reason for me moving back was simply because I was so fucking tired of being constantly overstimulated and having my workflow interrupted.

Because I've been waking up at 4pm since July, I've had maybe a good three to two hours to myself before my partner would come home from work. Which I could sort of use to work on stuff, but generally I spend my first two hours just... waking up. I wouldn't be ready to work on stuff until 5:30 most of the time, and by the time I really got any momentum, my partner would come home, turn on the TV and start watching shit on Youtube, which would instantly break my concentration. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to write more parts for Running With the Devil and because my partner was watching Youtube videos, the words would just instantly fall out of my brain. The script for "The Sound Design of Horizon" took a month to write for this reason. The ONLY time I could write it was super early in the morning.

I do love my partner, but having almost no alone time to myself during the day and constantly being subjected to whatever he wanted to watch was starting to drive me insane. Half the reason my sleep schedule is so fucking busted right now is because I was staying up until 7am JUST to have some fucking time to myself. To make matters worse, my partner doesn't have a consistent sleep schedule on his days off, so often or not, I would be stuck listening to Youtube videos I don't want to watch for 14 hours NON. STOP. well into the late hours of the night (sometimes until 4am).

And it's not like the content was bad by any stretch of the imagination, it was just about topics I DO NOT care for at all and I would RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. It's kind of part of the reason my visual art output semi-exploded after June because art was the ONLY thing I could consistently do without being interrupted because watching something is what I DO when I'm working on art. "The Girls Are Sleeping" was made while watching the entire documentary series on John Adams.

And no, headphones did NOT make it better. I don't have any proper noise cancelling headphones and I also dislike wearing headphones for extremely long stretches at a time. I also cannot write while listening to music, not even dark ambience (DA doesn't exactly filter out noise either). I NEED silence to concentrate on what I'm writing.

I still had quite the explosion in writing output this year all things considered, but I feel it could have been a LOT bigger if I had more quiet time to myself. This week is when the overstimulation was so bad that I ended up just shutting myself in the bedroom for two hours in complete darkness listening to the sound of a fan. The show he was watching in particular was played just ever so slightly too loudly, so it mixed with what I was trying to listen to with my headphones and well, brain exploded.

That was my breaking point and I decided I needed to attempt to move back to my office. Yeah, my legs will be more uncomfortable overall, but I really needed the quiet back. RezDragon needs her quiet time, very, very badly.

Like I generally don't get easily overstimulated by noise, it takes a lot and for it to go on for awhile. But god I have never been more constantly overstimulated in my life than in the 8 months I've been stuck out in the living room trying to work.

[maleficentfanatic99]

*Sad And Emotional Rant on 2019*

*Crying Softly without any sounds while I was laying on the bed while I'm Sad in Silence* Hello everybody, it's me again.

😢😢😢😢

Now it's 11:00 at night and I'm starting to feel sad in silence while I was crying softly, because of me having a depression moment right now.

Don't worry guys, I will feel better tomorrow in the morning, or afternoon.

But right now I'm lying on the bed suffering from depression while crying softly without any sounds and listening to sad music.

Now I cannot move, eat, drink, sleep or do anything in the middle of the night.

Today I'm gonna do a Sad and Emotional Rant about 2019.

Because I'm not in the mood for doing the intro, and outro right now.

Warning: this post does contain sadness, so please bring box of tissues to wipe your face we don't watch to feel sad or If you don't want to cry in this post just don't look at this post go look at something else

Like my good post about "Movies" "Video Games" it's some of the other stuff.

Sorry for being off topic on this post so I've apologize for that everyone that's okay though it happens.

*Crying Softly without any sounds while I was laying on the bed while I'm Sad in Silence*

😢😢😢😢

So Back on March 2nd, and March 3rd, 2019. I just suffered from depression because I went to Delaware. I started to feel sad. I started to cry with tears inside my eyes.

I stayed in my bedroom feeling depressed laying in my bed instead of coming out, the reasons why I felt depressed and laying down in my bed?

That's because I've really wanted to see my dog Tek Boy some more, If I come out of my bedroom while I'm depressed which I don't want to do that.

I wanted to stay in my bedroom, because my mental health has been negative, and damaged, because of my autism, depression, anxiety, panic attack, and anger issues, so yeah.

Back on March 5th, 2019. When I stay in my bedroom cold while I feel deep down with depression, I became a Goth Person while

I'm listening to the same Goth Music and talking about pain all of the time.

I put on Black Makeup inside of my eye shadow, I dress up in Black Clothing.

&

That's why I'm a Goth Person forever, after I feel deep down depressed.

Summer 2019 I saw Jack Morpeth was bullying me, and made my mental health downhill, when my feelings got hurt by him.

2019 is the worst year ever in my opinion.

Because it fucking sucks!

So before I tear 2019 year apart, do I have any positive reviews about that year?

Maybe?

Here's some good times that year?

I hang out and see my dog Tek Boy. We watch TV together like “The Simpsons” “Duckman” “Totally Spies” “Code Lyoko” “Friends” “Unikitty” “Dino Squad” “Jessie” and other good shows we watched.

BTW? I love and miss Tek Boy, because he's a good dog to me when I always have good memories with him.

&

I always won't ever forget that.

I've watched some MX Gameplay Videos on YouTube which is really good.

I went to stores like Walmart, Kmart, Mall, Dollar Tree, Dollar General, GameStop, Auntie Anne's Wawa, Royal Farms, ShopRite, Five Below, Quickcheck, and other stores I went to.

I also remember I went to Fortune Buffet for my 20th Birthday, and I got Call Of Duty Black Ops 4. I was Happy Crying Tears of Joy with it.

&

Not just that. I just cook some good food.

I also went go to Restaurants and order some food like “KFC” “Taco Bell” “Popeye's” “Five Guys” “Arby's” “Burger King” “McDonald's” “Wendy's” “Subway” “Jersey Mike's” “Applebee's” “Olive Garden” “Red Lobster” “Dunkin Donuts” “Roy Rogers” “Smashburger” and some of the other Food Restaurants I went to.

Because I love going to the stores to buy stuff, and going to Restaurants to buy some Food and Drink to eat at home.

In Summer Vacation 2019, I went to the Mexican Restaurant in Ruskin. To have some Hard Shell Tacos, and Rice and Beans. Because I love going there to get some Tacos alot.

Because Tacos is my number one favorite food of all time along with Rice, Pizza, and etc.

Maybe one day?

I'll might take an Uber to Olive Garden to eat in the restaurant, or I’ll be saving all of my money so I can order some Olive Garden food for Delivery so I can order myself some “Chicken Alfredo, Salad with Balsamic Vinegar, Breadsticks and a Coca-Cola Zero Sugar.

Because I really love eating Fettuccine Alfredo, Breadsticks, and drinking Diet Coke from Olive Garden, since I had that back July 28th, 2019. Because those are really good stuff.

Not to mention I just had some homemade Chocolate Peanut Butter Bars, and Fried Oreos when I went to Atlantic City.

I really love going to Restaurants, and Stores.

Maybe one day I'm gonna save all of my money.

I'll might take an Uber to Ocean County Mall to buy some stuff at F.Y.E Hot Topic, and GameStop during the Snowstorm in Cold Weather.

&

Then after that I might hang out at the Mall while I'm waiting for the Uber to pick me up to drive home, or I might get dropped off at Roy Rogers so I can get myself some food and drink for dinner while I'm doing my Ritual Video.

After that I get home I'll do some Vlog video and show you guys the stuff I got from GameStop, Hot Topic, F.Y.E.

Back in Spring 2019, I just had a fun time going to Florida.

I went to swimming the Pool, driving the Golf Kart and going to St Petersburg Beach.

Here's one more thing before I move on with the negative reviews about this year?

I went to the Food Court in “Costco” and I really love that store. Because I get their Pizza, and a Fountain Soda.

Since I really enjoyed eating Costco's Pizza from the Food Court.

Maybe one day? I should go to “Costco” to get some Pizza, and a Fountain Soda from the Food Court.

Then that's it.

So those are the only positives about this year.

As for the negatives, I have a lot of negatives about this year.

*Still Crying Softly without any sounds while I was laying on the bed while I'm Sad in Silence*

😢😢😢😢

Sorry about that you guys,

I just feel like this right after, my mental health wasn't doing so good.

No guys, I'm not in the mood for raging rant tonight.

&

It's just a sad post I will be doing, I'm laying on the bed while I was crying softly without any sounds when I'm feeling feel deep down because of my depression.

Once again, I can't get up and move, to sleep, eat, drink, and not do anything right now since it's the middle of the night.

&

I hope I will feel better in the morning, or afternoon after I'm done taking anap.

So anyways here's my negative reviews about this year.

My negative reviews about that year?

I just got myself some food at Royal Grill 37 when I eat it, and it made my stomach hurt.

Well, I used to like Royal Grill 37 when I enjoyed eating their food, but nowadays it sucked because of my stomachache.

&

I rather eat better food from the other “Food Restaurants” is way better than Royal Grill 37 in my opinion.

If you guys still like that restaurant, I can handle your opinion.

So another negative review about that year?

Back in October 2019 I was Angry at myself while I was at QuickCheck.

I was grabbing myself some Chocolate Covered Pretzels, and Coca-Cola Slurpee, go to the cash register to pay and I don't have enough money to buy those things and now my mental health has been negative, and I'm starting to feel sick after I lost my appetite about don't have enough money to buy those things.

I just run through the restroom sink to wash my hands with Hot Water, and then the Hot Water doesn't work.

I went home to wash my hands with Hot Water to made me feel better while it's cold outside.

*Still Crying Softly without any sounds while I was laying on the bed while I'm Sad in Silence*

😢😢😢😢

Here's another negative review is?

The thing that made me feel heartbroken the most is?

They shut down Kmart in my hometown, because it made me feel emotional, and I'm going to miss Kmart so much.

Because Kmart is a very good store. Since they have good games, movies, and Music CDs as well.

I gave that store a 10/10. “It was Awesome and Masterpiece!”

Here's the last negative reviews about this year, then I'm gonna end the post.

Back on Thanksgiving 2019, I started to feel sad, because of my mental health has been going down I started to have anxiety, and suffering myself with depression after I ate some Thanksgiving Dinner, and Desserts, I wasn't have a good Thanksgiving Day back in 2019 because of my anxiety, and stuff like that so yeah.

Back on Winter 2019, Spring 2019, and Summer 2019, my mental health goes downhill, and he also made me suffering myself from depression as well so yeah.

So 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022. Are my least favorite years nowadays so yeah.

*Still Crying Softly without any sounds while I was laying on the bed while I'm Sad in Silence*

😢😢😢😢

That's all the negatives I have about 2019.

I will do a Sad and Emotional Rant about (2020), (2021), and (2022) as soon as I can, whatever I feel like it.

Before I end this post, If you guys still like 2019 That's totally fine. I can handle your opinion on it.

So after all guys.

I'm giving 2019 a 0/10 “It's Bullshit!”

This is me over and out and I'll see you guys later on my next post, when I'm feeling better and I'll see you guys later and peace out everyone gotta go fast for now.

*Plays the Sad Classical Music while I'm laying on the bed crying softly without any sounds during my chest inside of my hearts hurting while Sad In Silence when I'm feeling deep down depressed*

[annieintheaair]

I'll wait for something if waiting's what I need to do. I'm okay with nothing cause nothing's what I got from you and I'll pray for something that only God can do, while I wait for someone that loves me like I thought I loved you.

After I had last written, Matt came over to help me carry my nightstand upstairs. I've talked to him about being reliable and he has improved and even worked on communication. Earlier in the week I had a conversation with him to make sure that him doing nice things to help me wasn't an effort to try to change my mind and convince me to date him. He said he understood and enjoyed hanging out with me anyway. Because of this, I felt like it was okay for him to come over and help with the nightstand and I really appreciated it.

I ended up going to bed later than planned because after the nightstand was put upstairs, Matt helped me figure out how to inflate my bike tires and then we hung out for a bit before he left since he had an early flight Saturday morning.

Saturday morning I got up and went to community group. I've been trying to go every week and I do enjoy going and spending time with a church group while drinking coffee and eating muffins. We discuss the weekly sermon and the current topic is Decisions, which I find quite appropriate.

When I got home, I decided it was a great day for a bike ride now that my tires were inflated. I figured it would be fun to bring the dogs with me so I watched a few YouTube videos and learned how to attach the dog bike trailer to my bike. I thought I broke my bike a few times when I got the chains off the tracks but I finally figured it out and was so proud of myself.

We had a really nice ride to the dog park, which is about 4 miles from my house on the trail. I think my dogs actually enjoyed it and were surprised when we arrived at the dog park, where I let them out to run around.

It was hot in the sun and I was tired so I figured we'd head back so I could go home and relax and maybe take a nap at some point. We were about a half mile from the park when I must have hit something that busted my front tire. I searched to see if there was Uber for bikes and thought AAA for bikes would be nice, too (I didn't know it but that is actually a thing). I ended up having to walk my bike, with the dog trailer and dogs, 3.5 miles home. I wanted to cry in frustration but didn't and was so happy once I finally got home, even though I was dripping in sweat.

I had just enough time at that point to feed the dogs, take a shower, and get ready for the night. Jillian got tickets to see Kevin Hart and invited me so I offered to drive us there. I picked her up around 6pm and we headed down.

I was completely shocked when we got there and they put our phones and watches in these pouches and locked them up. I had no idea what time it was or any way to communicate with anyone, including Jillian if I lost her. We discussed meetup points if we got separated.

The event started about a half hour late (at least that's what they said when they started but I didn't know what time it was). There were way too many headliners, which also took too long. By the time Kevin got on stage, I thought I'd already be home in bed by that point. It ended up being a much later night than I had planned, especially because it was a nightmare leaving, trying to get our phones unlocked, traffic in the parking lot, and then detours.

Todd texted me asking if he could come to church in the morning and I'm not one to tell someone, no, you can't come to church, so he decided to meet me there. I met him at church around 11am for the 11:15 service and after we were going to go grab a drink but he called me while I was on my way home real quick and asked if we could meet after. I figured that was fine since I needed to go home to get my tire first so I could go get it fixed.

Anyway, long story short, Todd blew me off. I guess I should have expected it from him. The whole situation brought back the feelings I had when we were dating and he would gaslight me into making me feel like I was the problem, knowing deep down that I wasn't. He completely invalidated my feelings and then went back to his normal routine of ignoring me when he was mad. I still haven't heard from him and maybe I won't, but maybe that's for the best. I realized in therapy today that whether we're friends or we're dating, he still has the opportunity to hurt me again and I didn't like how I felt after yesterday. It almost made me wish that he had never reached out to reconnect in July. I didn't need him to come back into my life just to leave again. I don't deserve to be hurt more by him.

The few things he did say to me before he stopped replying completely really hurt. He tried to tell me that I needed to figure out my emotions. Well, I had no plans on ever speaking to him and he's the one who reached out in the first place. I literally have no idea what his intention was behind all of this.

My voice crackled a lot during therapy today, as I tried not to cry over my frustrations. In my last text to Todd, I refrained from telling him that it was because of him that I decided to swear off dating. My heart can't handle the pain and yesterday was a confirmation of that. I hate that he has made me into someone who doesn't even believe in love anymore. Love feels like a lie. My therapist reminded me that my feelings are valid and I do have my emotions in check, despite what Todd thinks. I am allowed to feel hurt and upset when someone bails on me. I'm also allowed to be frustrated and angry when someone completely ignores me instead of talking to me. It's not "drama" to have feelings, it's human.

This morning, even though I didn't really want to, I got up and went to Pilates. Danielle's class is always encouraging and inspiring. She cheers us on and it makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I feel like I'm getting stronger and I'm proud of myself for pushing myself so hard to exercise more and prioritize myself.

I've been working on and off for my second job all day but obviously took a break to go to therapy. Remember, makeup is too expensive to apply more than once per day. Even though everything was eating me up inside over the last 24+ hours, I'm proud of myself for not sobbing uncontrollably and not crying at all.

Anyway, it's time for me to get ready for work. It has been a long weekend-ish off for me and getting back into the swing of things can be hard.

xoxo

Annie

[timpac-capstone]

Week 3

Started this week by looking at past capstone projects to get an idea as to what level of professionalism is expected of me. Also what topics have been tackled and how the use of animation was better able to get the artist's message across. It does relieve some stress seeing that there are some obvious corners cut from these projects but every idea I have had so far is so ambitious that I don't think I have the time or skill to make it come to fruition.

Artists: Khianna Byrne, Jadesola Colpa, Jasmine Hoagland, Katie Owens, James Ring, Christine Drobish.

One of the initial ideas I had for my capstone was about a rat that goes to a rat city that becomes more monstrous over time due to the toxicity of the city itself and its populace. This week I looked at the trailers and concept art for "The Tale of Despereaux" and "Flushed Away" since they both are set in a rat city. I was going to watch both of them but they look so bad, story-wise and design-wise, that I felt my energy was better spent somewhere else. I also looked at an animation by Steve Cutts called "Happiness" which is the concept that I want to go for which is rats that do human things and criticizing the rat race we are put in because of our desires. However, I don't think I'm gonna go with this idea because I have zero experience in making backgrounds and obviously the rat city is going to play a huge role in the story so it has to look interesting and polished.

This is a recent assignment I did for a Creative Programming class in which we had to create a drawing using a very specific set of rules that we chose for ourselves. I am someone who hates the feeling of cringe and I feel that I often think back at my most embarrassing moments more than most people do. So I thought why don't I try exploring that?

The rules were:

1). Watch an old video of yourself and every time you cringe draw a continuous line

2). When you stop cringing you stop drawing and make a dot where you stopped, If you start to cringe again continue from the dot you left off at.

3) The pencil must be on the paper at all times and you can't pause the video.

I have one specific YouTube video that I made when I was a sophomore in high school that my friends make fun of me to this day about. Every time I've tried rewatching it I couldn't even get past the first second and this gave me a good excuse to force myself to sit through the whole thing. I was surprised by the results, sure there were a few moments that were agonizing to sit through but overall it wasn't that bad. I think this might be something worth exploring further in my capstone.

REFLECTION:

This week I'm feeling that things are slowly coming together, ever since I've started this capstone I've been looking a lot into the production side of things, which I've always enjoyed doing in my free time but it's especially hard to find anything for animated shows. I have a better idea as to how ambitious my project should be but still no specific idea that I'm dead set on doing, maybe if I look through more old personal projects or assignments maybe I'll find something to latch onto.

[punkybunk]

My mother is coming to town,

And I can't handle it

This last week I have been tired, anxious, and upset. I was planning how the visit and interactions would go, what she would likely say to me. She asked to see my new apartment, I agreed to it, I wanted to show her my home, how well I was doing, the lack of dishes in the sink and the lack of clothes on the floor. I wanted to show her that I finally listened to her screams from when I was a kid to clean my room, be organized, stop being lazy.

Last Thursday I broke down over realizing that I don't know a lot. I research so many things and it's a daily practice of listing off the things I don't know and when I should learn them by. I don't know how to emotionally regulate, I don't know how to stop biting my nails, I don't know who I am or who I want to be, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship that doesn't follow her footsteps. I don't know if she loves me as her daughter or if she loves me at all. I don't know my father, his history, his feelings, and I don't know if he loves me as his daughter or at all.

I break down and put myself back together again and again. "Who's there to pick up my pieces?" Is the scariest question for me because there isn't anyone else it's only me. I get out of bed, I eat something, I drink water, I put on a YouTube video of Yoga when you're overwhelmed. If I went to someone else, to my parents, I'd get dismissed. I'd get told everyone is depressed or maybe I'd get a silence that stretches on until I find a topic they do care about to switch to. If I say what's causing my pain, I get screamed at by Her "I guess I'm just a bad mom" and hear Her cry just to comfort Her instead. If I speak to them I have to speak about them. On occasion maybe I'll slip up and talk about me, those times result in yells or panicked topic switching. I'd get told it's my fault I feel this way, despite desperately wishing to not feel this, to ignore it like they do. I'd get told to let it go that it's in the past it doesn't matter anymore.

It's hard to let go of somethings. I can't grieve my grandmother without hearing my mother tell me that I shouldn't waste time or money on seeing family members after I spent a week with my grandma after her cancer diagnosis. I can't grieve without seeing the text she sent 2 hours after I was notified of my grandmother's passing. " Don't go to the funeral you saw her enough while she was alive, you need to focus on school you can't skip a college class". (I went anyway and I didn't fail my classes.)

I can't relax at work without worrying that my boss might see and find that I'm lazy. I can't sit at my desk and breathe without thinking I need to find something, anything to do.

I can't talk to my friends or people I see often about my own life, without seeing my mother prioritize a TV show. Without hearing "shut up my show is on" whenever I wanted to tell her about my day at school. I can't tell my friends about my interests unless I know they might like it too.

I'm haunted by Her and yet desperately wish I had my mother with me. I still ache to see her and tell her about my day, the things I saw, the people I met, thoughts that I didn't like, thoughts that changed something for me. I want her comfort so much I'm willing to risk hearing all the bad for just 1 sentence of encouragement or love. I want to bond with her and rest my head on her shoulder without worrying about a comment that my hair is too short and I need to grow it out. I want to get dressed up and feel good without hearing her voice say that my stomach shows, my shirt doesn't fit right, that I've gained weight.

It's Her voice that I hear when I talk to babies, when I talk to my cat in a sweet tone, I mimic her. It's Her voice I hear when I get frustrated at other cars when I drive around town, it's Her voice that rings in the air when I yell. I frighten myself every time I get angry and hear Her voice and not mine.

I understand Her, I've listened to her cries, her screams, her confessions for 15 years. I know about her parents and how they treated her, I know how my father treated her and how his infidelity hurt her. I know how lonely she is, how she doesn't have friends and latches on to partners and their lives to fill her own. I hope that if I mimic her enough that maybe I won't remember how she treated me, how she would say the nastiest things to me, how she made me feel worthless. If I mimic her enough maybe I'll believe it when she tells me she loves and misses me, maybe I'll believe that she never wanted to hurt me.

I have a nephew, he'll be 2 next month and the thought of him feeling like I do makes me cry even if I'm at work and scared someone might see. I think of the things my mother said to me as a child and think, "could I say that to him when he's that age?". The answer is no, I want to know who his friends are in elementary school, I want to know what subjects he struggles with, the teachers he loves and hates, I want to hear about the bug he found on the sidewalk and how blue the sky was today and yesterday. I could never tell him the things I was told. I don't want children of my own in fear I'll treat them like my mother treated me.

Yesterday I broke down again. I cried in my car on the street talking to my friends about how I feel. About how I've always thought I knew what crying was like or what it meant, how most of my memories of crying wasn't just a cry but panic attacks. I avoided crying or showing that I was upset because crying meant hyperventilating, my chest is tight, my throat closes up and I can't speak despite all of my energy spent trying to talk anyway. I can't cry or show emotions unless I set my mind to it, I wouldn't cry until I went home, got into the shower, curled into a tight and small ball of myself. I'll blast sad music so I can't hear myself but I can still hear comments and judgements of how loud I am, how my face is scrunched up, how my sniffling and attempts to breathe are annoying.

Today my mother is coming to pick me up, we got oncert tickets to her favorite band. Months ago I heard and made sure to tell her about it, I was excited to go. Now I sit on my bed slightly terrified about seeing her. I'm planning my lies and my answers to dodge questions of what's wrong. I thought about saving my legs, using hairspray, about what to wear to cover tattoos and to cover my weak points. I won't do any of that, I want to prove to myself that I don't need to do it that I don't need sacrifice myself to appease her. I planned out my lie to tell her she can't see my apartment, she doesn't get to see the home I made for myself.

My mother is coming to town,

And maybe I'll survive.

[appreciatingtokrev]

that's true, i just keep reminding myself that nothing last forever but i am a bit sad about the ending. do you normally go to an art museum? ah, i suppose life is full of surprises, you never know what is around the corner. that's great, it's better to see things as the cup half full than empty.

i think gi will still be the company's most successful game. do you just stick to PC games then? isn't hsr the only one whose have a voice for the MC? i'm always phone based so i'm lost with the letters lol. wait, you can play it in class? 👀

don't worry, quite a few people retake a year no matter what country they are in so you're not the only one and i understand retaking a year more than once can be a bit demotivating but you can get through this.

just try not to beat yourself up about it, you are trying your best. yes, extra time to re-evaluate some options, would you like to goes into the STEMs? or another field?

i can imagine lmao, some kpop fans are too extreme though where they end up becoming saesangs. which kpop group did she introduce you to? i am an ex-kpop fan so i no longer know about the current groups.

those earrings would stand out wherever you would go especially since they are gold coloured lol. i have actually seen some shorts on YouTube of users styling their wigs and it's look like a profession because of how hard it look 💀 i'm wondering you might find a 15th february person? who know lmao but birthday twin would be most exciting. our time zone difference seem to be one hour apart so we should be able to wish each other on our days? i'll probably come off anon when it happen 🙂

you can take another shirt that fit you properly and ask them to use the shirt for guidance or get proper measurements. i just scrolled up the sleeves for mine lol. it is only the sleeves and nothing too complex so i can't imagine it will be expensive.

yeah, of course. i feel the same whenever any of my friendships or relationships or whatever end bc at the end there was still a lot of love and care involved. i love going to art museums <3 i generally love art and museums lol. i visit a bunch of museums every year, usually with my father, my godmother or said friend i mentioned. so yeah ig i usually visit them?

agreed lol, i mean hi3rd was already big before genshin but genshin topped it off still. omg my phone literally only has 16gb of storage so i can’t play any games on there ajdkffjskaj meaning i very much stick to my laptop. hi3rd doesn’t have a mc the way gi/hsr do and kiana does have a voice plus gi’s mc is occasionally voiced (only during cutscenes i think?). the mc in hsr is definitley voiced a lot more tho. i mean... i shouldn’t be playing any video games in class..... but always work on our devices anyways....... and i’d much rather play hi3rd than do french in class... ajdkfjdjsk (i’m not a good example of a student ajdkgkksj)

aa ty :) i’m doing great in school rn bc it’s all topics i’ve had before at a different school haha and i hope it’ll stay like this for a while, but let’s see. i’m also in the process of getting meds for my adhd so hopefully i’ll be able to study easier sometime in the future. honestly idk what i wanna do later rn... psychology or biology, specifically marine biology maybe? i’d love to be a marine biologist, but i get sea sick :/ though at the moment i’m mostly leaning towards studying medicine so i can work in forensic medicine. but luckily i still have at least a year to decide.

yeah, the kpop fans... she mostly introduced me to stray kids. i’m not like a big kpop fan, but i do have a playlist with kpop songs i like bc of her lol.

aren’t they silver colored tho? i made mine in silver at least ajdkfkks. but yeah, agreed. yeah, wig styling does look difficult tbh 💀 but. i believe in myself. if i believe enough it’s got to work...

maybe, who knows. ohh no more anon z next february 16th :0 hehe, i’ll gladly wait until then :3

ahh i have no long-sleeved shirts that correctly fit me ajfjfjhsk the only ones i’ve got left are from when my parents made me buy them bc i dislike them and prefer oversized hoodies and stuff by a lot lol. thanks for the tip though

[calliecuttlefishtormentnexus]

Salmon Run is a hard mode, but practicing and keeping at it will lead to improvements! Just gonna ramble a bit and list some tips since I recently went on my "get good at salmon run journey" over the last few seasons. Back in December my best score on any stage was like EVP 150, but now I have every golden stage badge, I've done 15 climbs to 999 in freelance, and I got 198 last big run for a top 1% score. I'm not trying to brag (maybe a bit though), I'm trying to say that I have some idea of what I'm talking about.

My #1 tip is to respect lessers as much as any boss. Lessers are a constant of salmon run, and they thirst for blood in splatoon 3 because their AI and attack speed got ruthlessly upgraded. I die to lessers more than any other boss, and I don't think I'm alone there. Lessers need to be dealt with before they become a problem, and often need to be dealt with before taking on some bosses such as big shots to ensure you don't get killed while attempting it. If you have a weapon with AOE (blasters, sloshers, splatanas, most chargers, also brellas and rollers to a lesser degree) then lessers should be one of your biggest focuses. Often a comp will only have one AOE weapon, and they need to hold off the horde of smallfry, chum, and cohocks from overwhelming everyone, so if you have an AOE weapon remember to do your job. Unfortunately in freelance you can't expect teammates to always pull their weight with AOE weapons, but that's not a call to blame them. Even if you've got a dinky little Splattershot Jr, do your best to always deal with lessers, make life easier for your teammates by clearing out the chaff. Also, because I've seen some people need to be told this... please do not hold forward into the horde of lessers and expect to survive. Abuse height to your advantage, move backwards while shooting, use the range of your weapon to its full extent. Respect lessers or they'll break your nonexistent bones.

In a similar vein, another way to support your team is to paint. It gets neglected a lot, but a green basket area is practically uninhabitable. If you have a shooter it only takes a second to claim the turf around the basket, and having room to maneuver around missiles and stingers and bombs is essential. Also, paint the walls before a shift starts, especially on Gone Fission and Bonerattle. Climbing a wall is safety, most salmon can't chase you to the top, and having the walls pre-painted is the difference between narrowly escaping and getting run over by 3 scrappers and an eel. It can also be that difference for your teammates, actions like this that support your team can prevent the tiny mistakes that lead to a death and then a snowball.

Learn your weapons! There are like 70 weapons in Salmon Run, and in my opinion most of them are pretty good once you get a handle on them! I can't go over every single one with tips, as much as I'd love to, so instead I'm gonna link this wiki page with data on all the weapons since I've found knowing damage values by heart rather useful, and I'll also link Rachelskiiiiii on youtube because her guides and salmon run videos are so damn good.

Never stop moving, never stop doing something. There's only 100 seconds in a round, and you need to make all of them count. I personally try to never be at full ink without a reason. If you're sitting around with a full ink tank waiting for a lure to come in, or for a teammate's life preserver to pop up, or for a drizzler to open, you're wasting time. Paint around you, shoot some lessers, maybe throw an egg, make sure that downtime is still productive. On the topic of ink management, don't neglect your ink tank. It's one of the most important parts of a weapon to get a feel for, so you know when to back off. Refill ink a bit before you hit empty and are left helpless if you can, and don't just sit around while refilling. You can swim to a better position, deposit eggs, just pretend you're a shark who will die if you stop moving.

Prioritize living, avoid needless risks. If you already met quota, don't jump into a horde to attempt to get an extra egg or two. If there's lessers around a slammin lid, don't try to bait its slam with a squid roll. You will get smacked back in and crushed, and dying isn't worth it without a good reason. Play it safe instead, and don't bite off more than you can chew. (Also, if you're like me and have an insatiable need to bait slammin lids, throw a bomb across the ground at the barrier first. It inks the ground inside the barrier to let you squid roll easily and clears out chums nearby.)

Use your specials. You have them for a reason, and it's not so you can party after wave 3. It's better to use a special early and die in wave 3 than it is to save your special and die in wave 1, especially when trying to climb ranks. You'll also likely get more out of your special if you use it before things go to shit. For example, Crab Tank. If you use it with an overcrowded basket, you won't be able to effectively kill statics. The best you'll get is probably rolling around for damage with some explodey shots peppered in before maws crunches you like a jawbreaker. Triple Inkstrike can't hit your target if a scrapper blocks you, and it leaves you defenseless. Kraken will get killed in the windup without an opening. Plan your specials instead of just panicking and clicking Booyah Bomb when you see the one player left notification, only to get killed by flyfish and maws.

Okay this one may seem kind of rude but I'm not trying to be, just kinda ranting. Luring isn't some panacea that instantly makes people good at salmon run. I feel like it's something that's in a lot of "salmon run tips" videos or whatever, and yes luring is a big part of salmon run, but just luring something isn't always a good thing. Luring is most effective when you have a coordinated team, which you don't get in freelance, so guides telling people to lure more to improve are just setting everyone up for frustration. Luring is the #1 way to get overwhelmed, because it often means people bite off more than they can chew waiting for everything to come to basket. Yes the eggs are closer, sure we'll meet quota, but that doesn't matter if 3 eels are surrounding the basket and wiping the crew because people wanted them to come in closer, all while missiles rain down because no one's dealing with flyfish. I'm not trying to make it seem like luring isn't good, I lure all the time and most people in high EVP do as well, but its not an instant win button. Luring properly takes a lot of time to learn, so don't be frustrated if it doesn't instantly improve your games. And if a freelancer rushes out to the steelheads at shore, that's a shame, but roll with it and help them throw eggs back instead of spamming "this way!" at basket while standing still.

The reason I recommend killing lessers and painting so highly is because unlike luring or hard carrying you can always do it, and also anyone can do it. Killing 30 bosses is hard and it takes time to improve your skill level, but anyone can shoot the ground or take down a lesser salmon. It makes every wave easier, it assists all your teammates, and it doesn't require you to have a lot of experience. Be a team player, it helps a lot more than you'd think.

Okay some random quick miscellaneous tips:

Going on a propeller elevator/platform in Bay and Smokeyard will remove steel eel aggro and griller aggro from you. Also I'm pretty sure Cohozuna can't splashdown you if you're on the platforms which is funny.

Flyfish are little fuckers. Kill them. You already know this

This is more advanced tech, but try learning the oneshot tricks on flyfish.

Throwing bombs at slammin lid barriers near an open flyfish can insta kill them.

With some spots you can roll a bomb onto the ground and oneshot flyfish below the ledge with the blast radius.

Explosher, crab tank, and inkjet can all kill flyfish in one hit if you hit the right spot between the two baskets.

Also use specials on them. No mercy.

Dualies can usually dodge roll out of maws or megalodontia after being launched in the air.

Focus fish sticks, they get ignored a lot in freelance and they suuuuck.

Megalodontia's weak point will point to wherever she last was, and so you can maneuver her to have the weak point easily targeted.

Recycled Brella is a nutty weapon and one of the best for clearing lessers, but keep in mind it's atrocious at painting walls.

Tenta Brella can stand to the edge of a fish stick and open its canopy, and every fish stick bastard will hit it and die.

All Splatlings deal 35 damage every 4 frames, for 525 dps. Exceptions are the ballpoint (deals damage every 3 frames in short mode and every 5 in long) heavy edit (fire rate is improved to every 3 frames at max charge) and hydra (damage is increased to 60 at max charge). This isn't really a tip I just think its nice.

Crab Tank when fully closed in ball form will protect you from one maws bite.

Goo Tuber does better DPS with tap shots than charges.

it can also one shot stinger pots with tap shots. Snipewriter and Bamboo can as well.

Tri-stringer can pick off cohocks with a full charge to help with lessers

Rapid Blaster Pro can 2HKO steelheads, while Rapid Blaster cannot

Grizzco Dualies roll can kill flyfish if you get above them. Also kills fish sticks if you roll off

Wave Breaker will evaporate if you throw it at a fish stick or a slammin lid. Don't do that.

At the basket of JSJ, don't jump much if surrounded by lessers. There's a little bump that blocks you from being knocked off the back of the map if hit, but if you get hit in a jump you'll go over the bump and die.

You can jump outwards on top of a fish stick and then drift back in, which makes you be off the stick for just a moment. This will confuse maws and make them go down the stick if they're coming for you, and can also be used to survive on top a stick without getting down while flyfish or stingers target you.

Always booyah at the start of a shift :)

Ohhhh cod I've typed too much. Okay one final tip, and this is genuinely the most important one.

Try to have fun with it! It's just a game, and sometimes things won't go perfectly. But hey, we've all made mistakes. We've all been the dumb freelancer who fell in the water. It's not the end of the world when it happens. At the end of the day, this is funny squid game and Salmon Run is a janky funky horde mode. It's better to laugh than to get mad about it, I think. I dunno if anyone read through this monstrosity, but good luck out there. You got this!

How do people get good at salmon run. I play so much and lure and everything and just. somethings not clicking and idk what :,(

[celestiaphia]

Coming around for that once every six months post it where I rant to help process something...

I'm on the up swing religiously which is amazing. I'm not sure what triggered it but I'm also trying to pace myself and not throw myself into everything at once for the start.

I ran into something very weird though. I've been listening/watching a lot of pagan/atheist/religious study YouTube, and the other night I was listening to one as I slept that was talking about Christianity and some how, something in the video brought up a thought in my mind and Im unsure how to process it.

It made me think back to my time as a Christian, as a teenager and a young child. I was raised Christian and stayed Christian until I was 19 in college when I could finally learn about other religions. The main thing that made me leave Christianity was a) being bisexual and the deep conflict there and b) starting to question the validity of the Bible.

But prior to that I was very Christian! But not in the usual way. I didn't really go to church and never really felt like I should or had to go to church. But I prayed a lot, at least once a week at bed. Giving up my anxieties and wishes to God at bedtime was a big ritual for me. I was a weird little goth teen that wore a cross because Jesus meant a lot to me. And why wouldn't he? I was raised from the very start in a church by my grandma. Not maliciously from her, she's one person I consider to be a good Christian.

As a little kid I went to church a lot, and Bible camp (I'll admit *that* was weird). There's a lot in being Christian that is weird.

I'm getting off topic... What came across my mind was that *I missed jesus*. Excuses me what!? I don't miss being Christian, I don't miss "God" or the Bible. But damn, the churches I went to really fed me the Jesus loves me shit and I ate that down. And you know what I miss that. And I think thats okay.

In hellenic polytheism I have never had the same kind of "relationship" with the gods as I felt I had with Jesus. I have prayed silently to some of the theoi at bedtime, but it always feels a little weird or wrong, like I shouldnt be doing it that way, because it's not reconstructionist or it's too much like my past religion.

And maybe it's weird, I don't know, I've never felt the strong "unconditional love" that Jesus is said to have. Again not everyone may have felt that growing up in Christianity but I did. Maybe it was a response to my broken home and trauma. Jesus was my imaginary friend who always loved me, who was always listening and watching, who could be there whenever I asked. And I loved that so much, even up to being a teenager! But I haven't felt that same way with the Greek gods, for whatever reason... It's not really meant to be the same. We build kharis. It's not a personal relationship like Christianity teaches you have with god/Jesus.

I think this shows me I'm missing something specific in my religion that I would value having again and I'm not sure how to replace it/replicate it. There's a lot more I could say about this but it would probably keep getting weirdly Christian. But I'll be clear I don't believe in Christianity at all anymore. I believe in the positive experiences I felt when I prayed to Jesus. (I never want to go back to being afraid I'll burn in hell because I like like girls.)

I'm having a lot of weird experiences religiously lately. This was just one of them. I think I may be leading to something important in the coming months. Guess we'll see.