#maybe I’ll write qpr with an aroace reader

[attemptinghaikyuu]

He messes up.

When Sakusa tells Komori those sharp words he’s heard so many times before, directed at him-

Well he doesn’t think much of it. He doesn’t usually care too much when people tell him he’s weird. He has Komori to tell them they’re wrong or he ignores them when he’s alone.

Once he sees the heartbreak on his cousins face however, his insides freeze. Telling Komori those words regarding another failed romantic endeavor was the wrong thing. “Shit,” is what he thinks at his current situation.

He goes and tries to fix his mistake once he’s collected his thoughts.

He tells his cousin he’s sorry.

——

Komori won’t want to acknowledge it or him. He’s avoiding his cousin as well as he can. Komori isn’t one to ignore people, he likes to talk things through. But this wound is too fresh and is making him want solitude.

At least for a couple hours, he can’t stand his cousins face. He walks away and only says “not right now.” Saying Sakusa with a tiredness he can’t hide.

When he gives in and turns to face his relentless, determined cousin he only talks to him on the condition it’s not about what started his silence.

He can’t stand ignoring his family for more then those two or three hours. It’s too heavy a burden turning away from someone he knows he loves without any invisible wall stopping him. The only thing about Sakusa’s blip that won’t be fixed is Komori’s absolute refusal to discuss how he can’t seem to stop turning people down- whether he was the one to initiate or not.

It’s less about Sakusa saying he was weird and more about how he’s steadily found he thought that quietly. Hearing it aloud, after all those times of him almost thinking it .

He doesn’t understand himself. So how can he explain it to his cousin?

He wants romance. Yet he hates romantic gestures that dig down too far.

It takes long, liquid moments to understand. He’s after something unattainable. A relationship where he’s with someone who cares about him and keeps him company but doesn’t do any of the things that immediately put him off. He starts to wonder how he can simultaneously loathe and crave a deep loving commitment with someone.

Komori doesn’t let anyone know he’s feeling so bitter and misshaped on the days where he’s surrounded by people who give him blushing looks. He lives with these jagged pieces he doesn’t even understand and works hard on telling himself it’s okay.

Looking in the mirror and being okay that there’s not someone beside him. It’s probably the hardest thing he’s ever going to do, and he does it over and over.

He won’t feel like this forever… they’re the most important words he utters.

And he doesn’t. Giving up on the thought of a romantic relationship, on sex, and the intimacy he doesn’t really want is a rock he drops into the ocean one day. It just happens.

It sinks deep and far and he finds it’s a relief to see it go.

Komori will never stop craving people. His friends and family are there though. Regardless of there mistakes when talking about love and sex, he’s glad they are his people.

He’s glad he has such loving, committed relationships to so many people who care about him.

He’s glad he loves himself too.

He’s sad it took him so long to realize and he’s ecstatic when the day comes he can tell his cousin how he feels without it breaking his heart to admit it. That he’s aroace and that it’s okay to be that.

[arocharacteradvice]

A minor plot point of my story involves the mc getting in a qpr with his aroace friend. I’ve thought a lot about making sure not to break the aroace chara’s boundaries, but I’m slightly worried I might be overlooking the mc’s desires? If the aroace chara doesn’t want to do things like have sex/kiss but those are things the mc would want from him, would it be wrong to put them together? The aroace chara encourages the mc pursuing other people for those things. Is that good enough?

So, I’m not going to make a definitive statement as to whether putting these two characters into a qpr would be ‘wrong’ or not. I also can’t give much specific guidance as I haven’t read your story and this is a very nuanced topic. (Which isn’t your fault, I’m just explaining why my answers might seem vague) What I can do is give some pointers, and poise some questions of you that might help you figure out if this is a healthy dynamic.

I’ll be addressing the aro side of things obviously as this is an aro character advice blog, but you can go to ace blogs for more info on that, and to be honest most of the advice I’ll be giving can likely apply to both areas.

Ok so first off: You sound like you want to respect the aro character, and not have the mc pressure them, which is a very good start! But I feel like you may still be viewing the dynamic as one where mc wants something, the qp can’t give it, and his boundaries are a problem that need to be solved, just with another relationship in this case rather than ‘curing’ the aro or having them give in.To be honest this is probably on some level because the mc is the main character. As a writer, you tend to think in terms of your protagonist’s goals.

(also, as a note, if you were at all thinking about having the qp giving in and kissing the mc anyway, unless this is portrayed as very very negative, Don’t Do That for the love of positive representation)

Anyway! Please, please be clear in your writing that one person looking for a certain thing out of their relationship, and another person not looking for it, doesn’t mean the first person is hard done by and suffering horribly by compromising. It’s simply a matter of incompatibility in that area.

Especially when the situation with your characters is that one wants romance, and the relationship is queerplatonic. It’s an explicitly purely platonic relationship style! This isn’t a case of person A ‘overlooking’ their desires because of person B, this is a case of person A entering a relationship they know full well will Not be romantic, still feeling unsatisfied because it’s not romantic, and person B having to suggest solutions to something that isn’t technically a problem. Imagine getting frustrated with a waitress because they wouldn’t kiss you. Why would you expect them to? A qpr isn’t a romantic relationship with one ‘faulty’ partner. Don’t treat it as such.

(It’s a bit of a different situation with sex, as qprs can be sexual, but that’s not my area)

Sure, some qprs have more romantic coded elements, but they’re not an expectation. If you’re going to write a qpr, please understand that actions within them are on an equal playing field. kissing and having sex have no more inherent value than holding hands or watching a movie. It’s about what individuals want. 

I’m also not trying to say that your mc doesn’t matter. Just that your bias could possibly be tipped towards him. He is compromising by not being able to kiss his qp, and the qp is probably compromising in a bunch of ways too. Maybe the qp wants to live together or get a dog or matching tattoos or go to heavy metal concerts together, and the mc doesn’t. There’s Stuff like that in all relationships, you just need to start also viewing romantic coded activities as Stuff, only with more cultural baggage.

On the topic of the mc having another partner: that sounds to me exactly like a compromise on the qp’s part. Did he go into this relationship wanting it to be polyamorous? Because it sounds like this is something he’s doing for the mc, especially as you say this is about the mc specifically having other partners, not the two of them as a couple becoming open. Even if the qp is enthusiastic about it, doesn’t mean it’s something he particularly wanted out of the relationship, just like the mc didn’t particularity want a non-romantic relationship. 

I would also question you as to why the qp is enthusiastic, and whether that’s a character choice or something you’ve done to benefit the mc. Maybe examine whether you have a negative gut reaction to the mc not seeing someone else for kissing/sex, and if so, work on unlearning that. I’m not saying that in your specific situation, the qp must feel pressured or not good enough, but it does happen and it’s worth thinking about how aros would feel seeing a character they’re meant to identify with happily telling their partner to see other people for desires the aro can’t fulfill. I know I personally would feel uncomfortable with it unless it was really well written, as I’ve been in a similar situation myself. 

Again, some people are fine with letting their partner do that kind of thing, or are polyamorous in the first place, but I would be very very careful about how you present it, (other aro blogs, and the qpr tag, may help) and consider whether it makes sense for the qp to feel this way based on context and their characterization. 

I hope this hasn’t sounded too harsh. I’m very aware that you could have considered all this already, but I feel like I need to cover a lot of ground because I don’t know specifics about your characters and this is a stupidly complicated topic.

A few things to consider adding in or developing further: 

Both partners entering or being allowed to enter other relationships. This might change the tone from ‘aros aren’t enough so my mc needs someone else to make up for it’ to ‘no one person has to fulfill either character’s desires!’. 

Having the mc realise that he doesn’t actually don’t need to date someone else. Not in a way that reinforces toxic monogamy or the idea of soulmates, but presented as him just working through amatonormativity and decided he’s cool without kissing anyone.

Showing what both characters get out of the relationship, rather than just what the mc doesn’t get. For instance maybe there’s a show just the two of them are into, or the qp buys the coolest presents, or if one is home late the other always waits for them to start eating dinner. Just small things that present them as good for/happy with each other rather than focusing on the one area of incompatibility. 

Showing why the qp wants to be in this relationship. I think this would help aro readers feel comfortable, as it’s kind of opt in for aros to date as opposed to alloromantics assuming they will, if that makes sense. We also, as a community, tend not to value our own goals and wants. Does he want that partner label to be able to easily explain what the mc means to him? Making that explicit would probably make him more relatable, and help stop aro readers projecting discomfort onto him. Explaining what makes the relationship fulfilling for him would also show that he doesn’t have to lower his expectations just because he’s not willing to be in a romantic relationship.

You don’t have to employ all or any of these ideas to make the relationship work, I just wanted you to have some options if you read my earlier advice on what not to do and though ‘heck, I did do that though’. You might also want to get some aro sensitivity readers to go through some later drafts of the story, though do be aware that some aros would be uncomfortable seeing an aro character in any kind of relationship. Not every aro will want to read what you write, but that’s ok so long as you consider those who will.

tl;dr: Don’t show the aro character’s boundaries as a hurdle, just a different relationship expectation than his partner. Consider why you’re writing the aro character the way you are, and take into consideration what they both enjoy about their relationship.

Good luck! And I’m so sorry for the long post!

- Mod Kaladin