#maybe I’ll delete this later

[clavis-est-ad-solem]

Goodbye everyone

I’m just taking a rest again. This week I have an interview, on which it depends whether I pass the exams or not. And I also remembered this summer again.

Damn, I’m reviewing the screenshots. I liked the posts again. It hurts, I want to cry, I want to get it all back, and not look at the crap I see now. I don’t like it all. I don’t like it at all. I want everything to come back. But I understand that even when summer comes again, I will have no one to discuss the Regretevator, Mach, share headcanons, take screenshots with the necessary information and scream with joy. It’s too painful to realize such things. I’m afraid of big changes, and I always need time for them. But it all happened too fast. It took everyone who was dear to me here. I don’t like it. I thought I’d start to interest my friends when I start playing the same games as them. But it seems that nothing still changes for the better. Yes, I still do what I love, I recruit my audience, for someone I managed to become a favorite artist or author. But damn it, I miss what I had before. I miss those happy thoughts in the morning, after a long night and conversations with a new friend. I miss you. I really miss you. But I can’t communicate anymore. I’m overloaded, I feel bad even when I correspond with someone. I don’t know what to do and how to cope anymore. I don’t want to be weak, pathetic or intrusive, because then my friends will not care about me even more. I just want to bring back last summer. It was wonderful. I liked going to my chats, rereading correspondence, watching my friends’ posts. It disappeared. It remained somewhere in the depths of my memory and gallery. I’m hurt, offended and scared. I don’t know, maybe it’s my fault? I don’t know what I should feel. I don’t know how to react. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.

- Love y’a, ur Key.

[cellopurin]

Can I also add that the man I mentioned in the other post also speaks German, but he doesn’t come with available subtitles irl, soooo…🤷🏻‍♀️😆

Either way, I’d be dying at the sound of his voice (he’s taken calls from back home, speaking in his native tongue)—much like I did to this video 🥵🥵🥵 —when I came across it last night.

[spinsterennui]

So . . .

I went to my doctor’s office this morning as I do every four weeks because I am scheduled to pick up my medication, and they were closed. They never informed me of the closing nor did they give me extra medication for today. This is a huge problem because without it I will go into severe withdrawal. I can’t fucking believe it. Luckily I do have an (“unsanctioned”) extra dose that I kept for emergencies; of course now I don’t have one anymore because I had to use for today. It was an accident that I even got one: the laws and regulations around my meds are incredibly strict, so you can’t just have extra doses.

I’m so so so fucking angry. Like this is a serious fuckup on their part. They did not give me enough doses and they did not tell me they’d be closed so that I could come in before today. And to add insult to injury, nobody is returning the emergency line messages either.

I’ve only been at this clinic for a few months and this happens???? Makes me want to switch again. If I didn’t have an extra dose I would be so fucked. My last place (which closed) had its issues, but they never did anything remotely this fucked, and they always had someone monitoring the emergency line. And this place is like a 30 minute drive. But all the closer places open later and/or don’t have my specific kind of meds.

And I have to go all the way back tomorrow.

[blimbo-buddy]

I’m gonna close my inbox for a minute because it keeps fucking breaking on me (not showing me some of the asks, won’t even let me answer some of them). If any gaza fundraisers would like me to reblog their campaign post please dm me until I figure this out

[yourclown4107]

One o'clock in the morning, isolation from the outside world for the second week, dark room, headphones, bad mood due to failed drawing, addiction to roleplaying in character ai. This post has no sense, it's just how the last nights have been going for me

Час ночи, изоляция от окружающего мира вторую неделю, темная комната, наушники, состояние в минусе из-за неудавшегося рисунка, зависимость от ролевых в character ai. Этот пост не имеет смысловой нагрузки, это то, как для меня проходят последние ночи

[taikoturtle]

Man, today started out so great. I was doing laundry, prepping myself to get ready to go to the gym, cleaned out the fridge - was actually in a productive mood.

But then I started having dumb thoughts like “what am i doing with my life.” And stuff like am I happy? And usually I can push those things aside, but then I freaking cooked lunch and right as I was about to sit and eat it, the plate slipped from my hand and food and ceramic shattered everywhere and now I’m just staring at a whole mess of runny eggs and rice on the floor trying not to lose it.

[scream4joy]

My aunty told me she’s was nervous to see me today, she was worried about accidentally misgendering me n how she and even other family members would react. She knew I’d be worried too and wasn’t sure I’d actually turn up. But she said that when I did eventually walk into the room she felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, because she’d never seen me look so at peace and confident before. In her words— she realised in that moment that this is how it was always meant to be, how it’s always truly been. She said that happiness looks good on me.

I really didn’t expect to hear that today or at all from her or any of my family but it meant so much to me so yeah I am currently crying about it in bed lol.

[defectivesuite]

I did something I was afraid to do!!!

[taissa-turners]

bird site still wanna bitch kaz cane again like no one bitched the first time

anyway maybe it’s tailored maybe it’s not, i understand but can. ALL THAT just wait,

see how it goes down

but also maybe kaz can do some things more than he thought nikolai could in that moment, and kaz do it for money yeah he did before, they aren’t gonna let him just so defenseless, he has all those to help him if it gets bad, maybe kaz is giving nikolai his boyfriend the use of his cane

jesus christ just don’t watch at this point tired man

kaz is basically based on leigh, doubt she would have allowed too much fuckery on that, anyways done

[jubjubbird]

I want to scream until my throat goes sore

I want to cry until I can’t no more

I want the future those before us swore

I want the world that I’ve been fighting for

No, I don’t want your fucking president

Means to and end of red-blue vengeance

I just want peace for my descendants

I want a country, not its remnants

[canine-economy]

On Swansea’s (often understated) role in Mouthwashing

I say this as a big swansea fan but I don’t rlly understand why ppl are acting like he’s not also complicit in what happened to Anya? AUs where “Anya tells Swansea” and he jumps to violently defend her don’t make sense to me because canonically she does tell him, as he admits to Jimmy. But swansea represents another way of interacting with the capitalist heteropatriarchy that ALSO harms victims: holistic jadedness and resignation.

Swansea is across the board unkind to the Tulpar crew. We can’t forget that he calls anya a “so-called nurse”

and says this to Jimmy, which (if unintentionally) reiterates Jimmy’s own warped perception of Anya’s usefulness and competence. This allows Jimmy to feel justified in his imagination of the nurse’s inferiority. Swansea’s clear lack of respect for Jimmy does less to hurt Jimmy than his lack of respect for Anya harms Anya, because at the end of the day, Swansea’s attitude is contextualized by the violent culture it exists in and he does nothing to reconcile with that when Jimmy becomes the captain. His resignation can thus be weaponized even by Jimmy, a man who Swansea disrespects but whose power he doesn’t try to meaningfully jeopardize, because his across-the-board disdain punches people already marginalized by the environment twice as hard as it does those with power.

Swansea doesn’t position himself as an ally, he positions himself as willfully uninvolved in everything, an observer to the shitshow ride to hell. Just because he dislikes Jimmy doesn’t mean he aligns with Anya. He makes it clear that he’s not on her side, either. After a life of doing what he felt was expected of him, Swansea on the Tulpar looks out for Swansea and Swansea’s comfort. In trying to situate himself outside of the politics of it all as an older white man, he simply allows them to play out. The toxic culture keeps existing, playing out in the microcosm that is this freighter, and Swansea in all his experience recognizes that shit has hit the fan and elects to coast through it, even explicitly numbing himself to it by breaking his sobriety. It is, of course, hard to force yourself to be sober—to see clearly. But had Swansea forced himself to get involved sooner, he might have set a precedent for Daisuke to recognize Jimmy’s abuse, which could have saved Daisuke’s life as well as created a safe space for Anya. But Swansea’s inaction forces both victims to confront an abuser on their own, unable to reap benefits from his privilege and experience.

Jimmy is clearly intimidated by swansea in a way he is not by Anya, Daisuke, or a post-crash Curly (Swansea, for example, physically manifests as an aggressor in Jimmy’s “responsibility sequences”, and Jimmy ties Swansea up to avoid what he sees as the real possibility of pushback that he doesn’t conceive of Anya being able to do). Swansea has a power he does not act on or with until it is far, far too late. In fact, he acknowledges in his final monologue that he was dissatisfied with the discomfort with opening his eyes and living an exemplary “good man”s life. The best days of his life are ones in which he’s belligerently drunk—days in which he didn’t have to hold himself accountable. He regrets the life he spent performing for higher-ups and we watch him reject it by scorning Captain Jimmy, but he also doesn’t want to be held responsible for helping other people when it’s their turn to endure the expectations and violence from similar (if not the same) higher powers. Tragically, he possesses the hindsight to recognize that how he acted on the Tulpar consequently wasn’t what Daisuke needed out of a role model, leading to Daisuke becoming a victim. His hands-off approach to emotional engagement with his young male intern (another symptom of patriarchal gender norms) may have been to avoid Daisuke turning out miserable and jaded like himself, but it doesn’t actually indicate to an already-confused Daisuke what the dangers of that attitude are. Swansea never admits his own shortcomings in a tangible way which, had they come from a man with experience and prestige like himself, may have shifted that culture that failed Anya. She comes to him with the story not because he has situated himself as any earnest friend, but likely out of desperation on a ship Jimmy now controls.

When we allow “the machine” (Swansea’s own words) to beat us down to the point that we don’t find it productive to challenge unjust power dynamics, we become complicit. I think too many people get hung up on his disdain for Jimmy and Jimmy’s fear of Swansea as a marker of allyship with Anya, but the truth is that Swansea. Is a bad ally. He’s hardly one at all. His long stint in the demanding capitalist environment molded a perfectly complicit result out of him, as it aspires to do, even if Swansea bitterly recognizes that. Jimmy’s overt violence from a position of power is a different and much more brutal approach to abuse enabled by people who have been left too tired and bitter to care that he does it. A man who could’ve intimidated and even threatened Jimmy is too resigned to try until there is literally nobody but himself left to fight for, which is an attitude carefully cultivated among the lower rungs of hierarchies to keep the top safe. Swansea in particular seems very unhappy with the capitalistic, patriarchal expectations laid out for him as a father, husband, and laborer. This becomes particularly resonant when you realize the symbolism of his role as mechanic: a job that can be deeply unpersonal, tasked with keeping the ship (the machine, if you will) itself going while other roles are more focused on managing the humans inside of it (e.g. nurse, captain). His decision to just stop trying and spare himself the grief instead of questioning why those expectations exist and how they would hurt the others onboard only delays him being directly targeted by Jimmy and doesn’t interrupt the latter’s violence.

Not a single man in mouthwashing is innocent in Anya’s victimhood. This is a statement tentatively uninclusive of Daisuke, because I think the game very deliberately positions him outside of manhood through his youth and thus struggling with the concept of “fitting in” to the patriarchy. Curly, Jimmy, and Swansea all represent different failures that ultimately perpetuate Anya’s suffering and force her to defend herself and finally take her life into her own hands. A holistic analysis of rape culture in MW necessarily engages with all three of them. Only not being a friend and ally to rapists and other male abusers isn’t enough, and Swansea proves it.

[arachnid-teeth]

Can I come over and stare at you like this

[shysimblr]

Finished just in time for simblreen

My hours are donnneee!! Everyone must know bc it’s been blood sweat and tears and I just want to scream it to everyone!!

I Don’t start my new job till January so it’s sims and chill from here on out and just in time for simblreen so excited!

I had some of my darkest days during this time and I’ve been my brokest during this time too but the dark days are over, this degree didn’t kill me and here I am

Say hello to RN Shy 🥳🥰

[cactusisconfused]

I’m having ✨thoughts✨

Aroace(?) Soap

-

Soap doesn’t understand why he feels this way for Ghost- he’s never felt this way before. Not for anyone. No woman, no man- no one.

Yet when Soap is around Simon, his mind swarms with thoughts he’s never had before. Thoughts of wanting to hold the man close. To listen to his deep, gravely, stupidly handsome British accent.

He’s so scared that it’s love- romantic love.

Soap isn’t emotionless, he loves with his whole mind and heart to the point it’s fucked him over in more ways than one- but never has he felt this.

He’s dated of course, because that’s what you’re supposed to be doing growing up. He’d dated a few girls. They were pretty, but that idea only rendered as a fact, with no emotion behind it. Like how a sunset can be beautiful but you wouldn’t take a sunset out on a date.

His relationship started when he was fourteen. A girl confessed her love, and Soap thought that’s all it took to be in love, for someone to say a ‘magic’ word. He didn’t understand that he was supposed to feel something.

She would try to kiss him, hug him, and he would give it back but it was never honest. Kissing felt wrong, felt nothing like how it seemed in the movies. They only lasted a few weeks.

He dated another girl a year later, his older sister Leah, had put them on a blind date. The girl was sweet, and again objectively pretty, but he felt…nothing.

He’s heard people talk about love, about the butterflies in one’s stomach, how everything would seem to zero in on one person. But as he looked at her from across the table, he felt nothing. He tried again, thinking that he just needed to wait for something to click.

She tried to advance things, Soap couldn’t get past taking his shirt off before making a piss poor excuse to leave. He doesn’t know why he felt like he needed to leave- why his skin was crawling at the thought of being intimate. But he did, and when he got an earful the next day from her, he had no good argument.

The girl had looked at Soap for a long moment before gently asking if Soap was gay. If that’s why his kisses never felt true, why there was no love- romantic love.

Soap at the time agreed with her, one for an out and two as it felt like a solid explanation for the way he was acting. He’d never felt anything towards guys, but maybe that’s because he’s never tried, he had never thought about it.

Soap had just turned seventeen when a guy friend of his admitted his attraction to Soap. Again, Soap looked at the man, dark brown hair, decent build, a kind man. Soap agreed regardless, already hating himself for going through with it. But maybe- maybe he is into guys and just…needs to get to know him more.

The two go on many dates and they last for almost a year. Soap could almost convince himself that he was truly in love.

Looking back, he wonders if he only felt that way because this man was the only one who saw Soap for who he was, and not the face he puts on for everyone else.

But Soap knows he was pushing his luck, knows he was leading the man on. The guilt had eaten him whole.

Three good people, all gave their undying love to Soap, and he gave nothing in return.

He doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel how they felt- doesn’t know whats wrong with him. Why he can’t feel romance, why he’s never wanted sex.

He joins the military the next year, and he forgets about those feelings. Relationships aren’t meant to happen between soldiers and the one night stands are easy enough to dodge- both from men and women.

He had completely forgotten about all of it.

He had.

He really had.

Until Simon fucking Riley.

Until he saw that beast of a man dressed as the fucking grim reaper.

It wasn’t in an instant that he felt these new emotions. It was well after Las Almas and well after they catch Makarov.

Throughout that time, Soap and Simon got close, closer than either had truly expected. They flirted, though it was all banter of course.

Until it wasn’t.

Until Soap realized as he watched Ghost move through a warehouse through a sniper optic, that he found he meant it.

Then he started thinking and thinking. He couldn’t stop.

He couldn’t stop himself from getting jealous when anyone else looked at Simon with a suggestive glance. How he couldn’t stop thinking about holding him close, closer than Soap had let anyone before. How he had thought about pulling Simon close and have his lips meet the other’s.

It scares him.

Even if this is love- romantic love- he doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That he wouldn’t be a good enough partner, like how he was with the others in the past. What if these thoughts are the same as the last guy’s, he’s just going through some mental hoops to make him think it’s romantic?

Not to mention, Simon is his fucking superior- and his closest friend.

If he admitted his ‘love’ and for some reason Simon agreed, what if it goes away? What if he can’t recuperate once more? He’ll ruin their friendship and Soap can’t bare the thought of seeing Ghost take place of Simon.

He’s in turmoil and has no idea what to do with it.

He can’t tell gaz, he wouldn’t understand why Soap feels like he’s going crazy for feeling romantic for the first time. And like hell can he tell price, for the same reasons, plus insubordination. Price is a chill man, Soap knows that, but why stir a pot that’s already way past boiling.

So he’s stuck, with nothing but his journal and swarming feelings that make no sense.

-

Lmao, imagine identifying as aro ace for years and then boom, nada. Hahhahahahha. Definitely not projecting on him.

Definitely.

Anyway.

Have a good day (●’◡’●)ﾉ

[saintobio]

everyone i just got two of my wisdom teeth removed and didn’t expect it to hurt like a beetch 😖 please be patient w me with sy bcos the pain i’m dealing with rn isn’t the kind of pain i’d write for gojoyn bahahah

[prisiidon]

Ya girl got severe endometriosis 💀💀 pleasE just take my fkn uterus out at this point omfg. Anybody else had any experiences with it??

Anyway grandma is accepting hospital treatment now!! That was a dangerously close call omg