#may i go so far as to say she is fag hagging it up with them all the time? is that allowed?

[puppypuppypuppypuppy]

i quite enjoy how both engie and spy have a sort of mentor like relationship with pauling... very cute i think theyre friends :)

[thecursedvaultchild]

Catching a Chaser

This is a modified version of an rp @slytherin-puffskein and I did. Enjoy!

---

Another Quidditch practice. So boring.

Summer Charn yawned and stretched out on the bleachers. There weren't many people around to watch the Slytherin team practice, so she had plenty of space to herself. But she was so disinterested, she wasn't even aware of what they were doing anymore.

All she did know was that Keeper, whatever Avery, he was attractive. The wind kept blowing his shirt up and sweat glistened in his dark hair... Oh man.

Once again, Laurent had begged Summer to witness his Quidditch practise. He had recently received the role of captain, so he dearly wished for his friend to see him in action at least one time. Luckily, she accepted, pretending that she couldn't wait to see him order around other players... but frankly, he was fairly sure she only accepted so that she could admire their Keeper.

Right, Avery is attractive, but Quidditch is ten times more interesting! Lau would repeatedly try to convince himself, even though his gaze did flick to the handsome seventh-year a time or two.

"Ok, Conner, make sure to swing your bat properly! And Jackson, for the last time, get your head out of that!"

Sometimes, he would take the time to look at Summer from his broom and smile at her... but he was way too far away for her to notice the glint in his eyes. If she could see it, she would have immediately known one thing: King was planning something.

She chuckled as Lau's bossy voice flooded the stadium and broke her out of her stare. Is that what I sound like as a prefect? Merlin, I hope not. I love him but he's enjoying being captain waaay too much. But whatever, good for him becoming captain. Gave him something to worry about that wasn't pranking Snape.

Avery perfectly caught and hit back the Quaffle, his muscles in his arms rippled as he did do. She was definitely going to go up to Avery after practice. Tell him he was a good Keeper and maybe he could help keep her busy?

Merlin, Lau was certain Avery knew that Summer was staring at him... because he was entirely showing off. Never had he played that good, or looked that handsome. He probably gave himself that rough, sweaty look on purpose in order to attract Summer's gaze. I cannot judge him. I would do the same with a cute guy. However...

"Avery! Focus on the Quaffle, not girls!"

And he snickered at that, before focusing on one of their Chasers. Smith, an absolute, terrible prat. Why did the past captain even let him in the team? He was about as talented on a broom as Lau was in Transfiguration, which meant: not at all. Plus, he was an asshole, and Lau often caught him staring at Summer's ass in the most perverted way. Summer would be a much better Chaser.

So he was going to take care of Smith.

Summer was still staring at Avery. I need to learn his first name. How come I only know people's surnames? Not that there's anything wrong with the name Avery of course. And holy smokes, he was doing really good at playing. Not that she cared much but why date a bad Quidditch player when there were people like Avery?

She laughed at the captain's stern command, lazily twiddling her fingers. "Just providing moral support! GO SNAKES!"

Smith sucks. That's the third time he's missed a pass. I could do better than that. But very quickly her gaze was pulled from the prat back Avery as he completely removed his sweat-soaked shirt, abs and muscles in perfect view. Too bad he couldn't do that during an actual game, that'd make things more entertaining.

Summer wasn't the only one to see Avery remove his shirt. Lau did too, and he actually froze for a few seconds, his gaze fixed on these lovely abs. Luckily, Avery wasn't seeing that: his attention was either on the Quaffle (good) or on Summer (bad, as he should focus on the Quaffle only).

As he finally gathered back his focus, he managed to hear Smith's shrill, almost strangled voice. Dear Merlin, why is allowed to talk. His knuckles gripped on his broom hardly, though, as he understood what the Chaster was saying: "Captain's a flipping fag".

That was enough to strength Lau's objective to drag that man down. He snapped his fingers, gesturing at Smith.

"Smith, go and try to make a goal. Avery, do your best to stop him."

She stiffened, hearing what that thickheaded Smith had just said about the captain. Lau. Her strawberry child. Oh, Smith is going to pay for that later. I think I can make an exception to my hex rule to give him a nice little curse. Once there's less witnesses.

Her eyes narrowed and she stared at Avery, leaning forward in her seat, eager to see him take down that sick son of a hag. For once she was interested in their practice. Come on, Avery. Don't let him anywhere NEAR the goal. Prove you're an amazingly hot, er, an amazingly good Quidditch Keeper.

Smith scoffed, puffing his chest out and pushing a few hair strands away from his face in a visible attempt to attract that cute girl on the bleachers' attention. At that sight, Avery rolled his eyes, and bit back a scathing comment. Meanwhile, Lau had released a Snitch in order to train... or well, pretend to train. He had something in mind, and he was going to deliver. For now, though, he only needed to lay low and pray to Merlin he will be fast enough.

"Alright, Avery, here I come ! You're going down!"

The Keeper, however, looked less than impressed, and only stared with a raised eyebrow as Smith charged forward, Quaffle tucked under his arm.

And...

CRASH!

Suddenly, both Smith and King were on the ground.

"GALLOPING GARGOYLES!"

Summer practically Apparated with how fast she had moved from the stands to the pitch ground. She hauled Lau off Smith, frantically checking him for injuries.

"Lau. Lau! LAU! Are you okay?!" She licked her thumb then used it to wipe the streak of dirt off his face, ignoring the groans of Smith next to them.

"Ah! I'm fine, Sum, I'm fine!" the redhead giggled.

Luckily, he had landed on Smith, which... had made the fall feel a lot less worst. Just like I planned. Calmly, he wiped the dirt off his Quidditch robes, acting as if he had only tripped down. Why was he being so calm? The answer was simple: right next to him, Smith was still sprawled on the ground, whining and clutching at his leg.

"My leg! You floppin' idiot, I'm sure my ankle is twisted, now!"

"What a pity," Avery mumbled, landing next to the Chaser.

"Oh? I'm so sorry, Smith," Lau purred, putting on his most innocent and worried face. "I was chasing for the Snitch, and I accidentally knocked you off..."

"Idiot! I can't train, now! Or even play, next match is in a week!"

What a relief Lau was okay and Smith was hurting. Summer couldn't help the sneer from crossing her face. "Good. You're so bad at Chasing, Smith, you couldn't catch your own nose if it shoved down your throat."

Avery and a few other players went "Ooh," and one said, "Oh snap," and vindictive pleasure flooded her. She felt no regrets of any kind for saying it. She was not on the team and not obligated to help maintain team cooperation. Plus, he totally deserved it. She was still going to curse him later.

"Also, detention, Smith."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me. I heard Filch was complaining about all the trophies needing a good polish. Maybe you can even stare at the Quidditch Cup and fantasize about you ever being a half as good a player as King."

Her eyes caught Avery's and she smirked just a little.

Look at her, destroying people. While Summer's prefect status might be deadly for Lau's pranking schemes, it also turned out to come extremely handy during situations like this. As Smith was too busy trying to work out a coherent sentence, Lau turned to the first player he saw, which happened fyi be another Chaser.

"Take Smith to the Hospital Wing and come back as quick as possible. We can't waste a single minute of practice."

The Chaser nodded and hauled Smith up, basically dragging him away. Needless to say, Smith wasn't one of the most well-liked players. After a few seconds of silence, Avery finally broke it.

"But Lau, how are we going to play now that Smith's gone? Our other Chasers are good, yes, but I don't think we'll be able to handle a match with only two of them."

"Well, Charn can take his place for the time being." Lau simply replied, shrugging.

"Wait, whAT?!"

She was snapped out of her internal gloating of victory by those dreaded words. Charn can take his place for the time being. Summer whipped around to face him.

"Excuse me??? Oh Captain, not my Captain, I. Don't. Play."

Quidditch jocks may be a weakness of hers but she prided herself on not being one of them. Why suffer on a broomstick in whatever weather nature decided to throw at you when you could be inside, next to a warm fire, with a cat in your lap and a book in your hands? Oh Merlin, please let Avery still like me. It's not like I try to hide my dislike of Quidditch.

..........he was really, really hot though. And being on the team—just for a little while—would let her spend more time around him without needing to come up with an excuse. Oh man, he was still shirtless. She bit her lip, arms crossed.

"C'mon, Sum! I see you during flying classes, you have potential, whether you like it or not"

And he was saying the truth. Whenever he would see Summer on a broom, he would immediately marvel over how perfect her posture was. No possible flaw in sight, only absolute perfection! With some serious training, Laurent was certain that Summer could become an amazing Chaser.

He knew, however, that she won't be convinced with the simple 'your technique is perfect' argument. No, he needed to dig deeper... and he knew exactly where to. He spun to Avery, a glint in his eyes.

"Ave, would you mind handing Summer a broom and teach her a thing or two?"

She couldn't breathe for a moment. Quickly getting herself together, she gives Avery a dazzling smile, eyes flitting over his abs. "Could you excuse us for a just a second? I'll be right back."

And she drags Lau away from the team, out of earshot. "You crashed into Smith on purpose." Her voice is a faint hiss. "Look, I came to those tryouts because you begged and pleaded me to but I didn't make the team. I don't want to be on the team. Why are you doing this? Slytherin will lose the cup because of me. I don't play."

"C'moooon, Sum! I'm like 80% certain you sabotaged yourself during these tryouts. You're good, I'm sure you can bring the other teams down with us!"

A smile was etched on his face, and it wasn't going to fade away easily. Quickly, he grabbed Summer's hands, holding them tightly and giving her his best Puffskein eyes, sticking out his bottom lip.

"Pleasepleaseplease, Summer! Just imagine the two of us playing together! It would be soooo amazing! So what if I crashed into Smith on purpose? He insulted me! Everyone hates him! And everyone likes you! I'm only doing what is best for the team." Yeah, sure.

I would kill for this idiot. Aaaaaand I guess I'll play Quidditch for him too. Why, why, why did he have to pull out the cute Puffkein look? It was nearly impossible to resist its full force.

"Ugh, fine. I'll play." She glanced at shirtless Avery, pursing her lips together. "But aren't you worried I'll be a distraction? Like you said, focus on the Quaffle, not the girls." She raised an eyebrow, a silver curl falling in front of her face.

She'd play but not without a little squabble. She didn't care about Quidditch but it meant a lot to Lau. Along with that stupid Quidditch Cup. She never saw the appeal when it was more fun to cast spells and duel.

"You'll play?" Lau exclaimed, stepping closer to his friend and holding her hands even tighter. "You will? Aw, yes!"

Sparkles passed through his brown eyes, proving pure, unfiltered joy that could in no way be destroyed. Summer was going to be a backup player, and that was all Laurent King needed.

Even if it had to come with some flirting. "Eh, Avery's a better player when he's got motivation. If a cute girl can make him more efficient, then so be it" he proceeded to pat her shoulder, and turned to the other players. "OI! WE GOT A BACKUP PLAYER!"

Aww that face. He's so delighted. I can't take this away from him. No way.

"All right, Captain. You've got me."

She faintly rolled her eyes but smiled at the cheers, walking towards them with Lau. Getting closer, she crossed her arms and pulled her sweater off, making sure Avery could see, and started loosely tying her hair back.

"Well, someone get me a broom. I'm not flying the piece of trash belonging to Smith."

A grin was given Avery's way. He stood there with his own grin, sweet gleaming on him, hair tousled. She wanted to run her fingers through it. I've got a date, I know it.

One of the Beaters was quick to get Summer a broom, surely hoping to get at least a smile from her. Lau had to hold back a giggle. Sorry, kiddo, but Summer seems entirely focused on Avery right now. And frankly, who could blame her? He was seriously hot, it would have been impossible for Summer to not flirt with him in any way. The Keeper was quick to grab the Quaffle that has been resting on the ground ever since Smith's fall, and he handed it to Summer.

"Make sure to show me everything you've got," he said with a smirk.

Lau had to hold back a sigh. I need to put up with this, I will put up with this, you can do it, man. Plus, they sort of looked like a cute match. Laurent grabbed his broom, and quickly raised in the air. "Come on now, let's go!"

***

I'm dead.

Lau did not mess around as captain when it came to practice. He pushed her just as fiercely as he pushed the rest of the team. And she hated to admit it, but he was right. She had potential. After Avery had her undivided attention for twenty minutes, teaching her things about playing Quidditch that weren't covered in Flying class, she had done pretty good. She was fast and maneuverable and hadn't dropped the Quaffle too many times. And she had managed a few goals against Avery (but she was pretty sure that was him letting her. Or her smile was distracting enough. Who knew.)

But wow, Lau was incredible. Actually paying attention, she could see why he was made captain. He was the quickest on his broom, had a sharp eye, and was good at getting the group focused and amiable together. It was truly... Impressive.

Summer dragged behind the others as they left the pitch. Avery going with them after she promised to see him in two hours outside the common room. She yanked her socks off and just let her feet sink in the grass, idly bouncing the Quaffle.

As soon as he slipped into the lockers, Laurent immediately got rid of his Quidditch clothing in order to take a well deserved shower, along with other players. While that at first the thought of public showers had rubbed him in the wrong way, he was now perfectly used to it, and that for two reasons: one, hot guys, and second, with his reputation of being a reckless person no one bothered to question his multiple scars and blamed them on his numerous shenanigans.

Once he was finally done, he threw on his uniform and ruffled his hair a little in a poor attempt to dry them. Patting Avery and other players' shoulders, he wished them a good day before walking back to the pitch, barefooted. It wasn't long until he found Summer, and he walked up to her, hands sank into his pants' pockets.

"So? What did you think of it?"

"I'm gonna die. I'm not a jock."

She stretched out her sour muscles, not particularly caring if Lau saw her stomach or not as she did so. Merlin, did she hurt.

"I do think I'm better than Smith. BUT don't get your hopes up of permanently replacing him. I'm still not interested in Quidditch. I am interested in Avery though... Mmm."

She couldn't stop looking at him. Honestly, how come she hadn't noticed him sooner in her life? Smart, strong, deadly handsome. He was a keeper. Sum snorted at herself.

"But what did you think, Cap? You're the actual Quidditch expert."

Actual Quidditch expert. He couldn't help but blush. "I think that you were great, Summer. Sure, you did a few mistakes every beginner would make, but it's just like I thought: you have potential."

And she can either choose to explore it, or not. Laurent would never force her to play Quidditch for him, and would let her go if she wanted to pursue other activities, but... he secretly hoped she will stay at least as a backup player for scenarios during which a Chaser gets hurt.

"Sooo... will you play for the next match ? I doubt Smith will be fully healed, and you have amazing comradeship with other players. Especially Avery. Meanwhile, Smith can't even bother to greet them."

"Thanks. And I have to hand it to you, Lau. You're good. Snape was right for recognizing your briliance for once and making you captain. Just please don't become Egwu. And don't let him know. I already can't stand him pestering Charlie to try and go pro. He's an idiot for not seeing that Charlie is only into Quidditch because he can fly. Like a flipping dragon."

Running a hand through her hair, she sighed. "Yeah, I'll play next match. Shoot, Egwu will totally see. I'm just going to avoid him like dragonpox for the next month."

Oh, Avery. Yeah, she could tolerate being sweaty if it meant more time with Avery. I can't wait for tonight.

"Ha! Good luck with avoiding Egwu. He's terrible when he has something in mind... he can, and will find you."

He had no idea if that would really happen, of course, but he just loved to tease his friend, as well as Prefect. It was sort of his own way to get back at her for all the detentions she had given him.

"You're gonna be an amazing player, Charn. Here's to more victories.~"

"I'm a dead woman walking then."

She shook her head, nudging him. Dorky jock.

"Thanks, King. More victories indeed." She kissed his cheek. "Now I've got a date in two hours!" And she took off running for the castle.

Fin.

[arabellaflynn]

I've made an interesting discovery: The Eccentric is quite possibly the only person I've ever met who understands jealousy even less than I do. The Eccentric is, as implied by his pseudonym, very eccentric. Mrs. Eccentric has made the occasional crack about him being from the Land of No Boundaries, but that isn't actually true. A lot of them are just in strange places, such that if you try to go casually lean on one expecting to find it in the usual spot you may end up tipping over and falling into a big confusing void. He is aware that he wants weird things out of life, and negotiates for them very directly, probably because he's realized that this is so beyond the norm that nobody is ever going to give him what he wants unless he tells them what it is. The first thing he made clear when we started talking about dance lessons was that he is VERY married, he was NOT looking to step out on his wife, and he did NOT want me to feel like I was being creeped on. I appreciate this. Anyone who looks female and does social dance gets hit on annoyingly often, and if someone thinks their creeping is being successful, then "sure, let's dance" sounds a lot like "Netflix & chill". The second thing he made clear, though, is that he wants a lot of emotional engagement from his regular dance partners. A lot. He kept telling me I should look at my partner with 'passion'  ("...or derision, you know, whatever you're feeling." That got him a sort of fond amusement, which was more or less where I was at the time). I summed up his novella-length explanation as duende once and he seemed to think it was pretty accurate. It intensely personal, it is very intimate, and it is specifically what he is looking to get out of this. I looked all that over and went, well, it's definitely a weird shape for a relationship, but I have a high tolerance for weird, and I am personally comfortable with where all of those lines are drawn. So sure, let's dance. There are, broadly speaking, two big problems with entering into this dynamic:

I like this a lot.

Wives and girlfriends generally don't.

You would think this man would drive me batty; he is extrovert-squared and extremely high-energy, especially in crowds. Last time I saw him I put an hour-long entry in my calendar, immediately after the event, that just said "buffer for [Eccentric] chatter", and I did in fact need it. But when he's dancing, 100% of this chaotic energy turns into hyperfocus and goes into the dance and his dance partner. It is strangely calm, like being in the eye of a hurricane. Being an introvert, I do best in interactions that are as close to one-on-one as possible. My brain is terrible at filtering the environment out, so the less random shit I have to process, the more likely I am to engage in the kind of meaty conversation that will result in my bonding with you. Normally I try to do this by moving to a quieter location, but apparently it can also be accomplished by just making sure you are eleventy billion times more salient than anything else in the room. Not altogether unlike using high-powered laser beams to force molecules ever closer to the stillness of absolute zero, now that I think of it. The rest of the world really does go away. I would go mad if I had someone all up in my space like that all the time. Romantically, platonically, metaphorical head-space, literal living space, doesn't matter. I need an uncommonly large amount of alone time or I will lose my mind. But I need moments of it to feel like I'm connected to the world. I spent a lot of my early life lacking it so badly I didn't even realize it was an option. I know Shakespeare wrote that thing about, "'Tis better to have loved and lost," yadda yadda, but Shakespeare was a jackass sometimes. I've been through plenty of emotional trauma, and hands-down the worst thing that has ever happened was finally finding out how it felt to connect with other people, and then grinding through a year or two where there was literally nobody in my life who was willing to give that to me. This is a thing that I want so hard I am incapable of being objective about it. I want it so hard that I don't trust myself to spot warning signs that someone's about to get mad at me for it. It doesn't matter much when I get those 'BFF connection' moments with one of my straight woman friends; their partners just go, "Gosh, my special lady found herself a new bestie! Super!" and think about it roughly never again. Gay men are also pretty chill. I dislike the term 'fag hag', but there's a reason that's a thing. If you happen to be a gay dude who prefers a more emotionally-open style of friendship, the easiest way to get it is still to befriend a bunch of women. To the best of my knowledge, nobody's husband or boyfriend has ever thrown a tantrum over me. [I've never had trouble with my bisexual friends, oddly. I presume that's because they date people who have made their peace with the idea that, while their partner might theoretically try to bang anyone else on the face of the Earth at any time, they're probably not going to bother.] I'm perfectly capable of being friends with straight men, but it's often more trouble than it's worth. I spend a lot of time being anxious that my existence is going to upset their partner. My 'I'd like to be somewhere quieter so I can focus on the conversation,' looks a lot like 'I want to be away from witnesses so I can get up to something underhanded,' if you are afflicted with a certain kind of emotional astigmatism. It's really hard for me to be secure in a friendship if there's always that nagging voice in the back of my mind, reminding me that our next conversation might be all about how, "my wife says I can't talk to you anymore". So, to get back to the topic sentence I typed about nine miles ago at the beginning of the blog entry, I figured if he could be weird and name things normally left unspoken, so could I. I had a chat with his wife, which turned out less, "So, uh, you okay with watching your husband put his mitts all over me?" and more, "When you refer to your husband's dance partners as his 'girlfriends', how much of that is snark?' (Answer: Not a lot. So far as I know, he's not literally dating any of them, but in terms of emotional investment? Pretty much. Also, I am now on the list.) In the circles where I run, the list of Things A Married Man Can Ethically Get Up To is isomorphic with the list of Things His Spouse Says He Can, so all I really wanted to know is whether she was cool with the weird boundary arrangement, and she is. I then pointed out to the Eccentric that the amount of emotional entanglement he wants from a dance partner is way beyond what most wives would be happy with, and yep! well aware! Then I commented that it had probably gotten him into a lot of trouble with a lot of girlfriends before he worked out how to handle it, and NOOOOOOOOOOOO. According to him, at least. There was a ranty bit of monologue about jealousy delivered in the traditional literary format of the Engineering people, 'This Makes No Sense To Me, Therefore It Is Stupid'. What I took away from that conversation was that there probably had been relationship trouble at some point(s), but it ended with a breathtaking quickness. The trouble, or possibly the relationship, depending on her reaction to him putting his foot down. You will be okay with his dance-girlfriends or you will not be his regular-girlfriend anymore. My policy has long been that the first one who insists on making my affection into a competition will immediately lose, but that if someone else is trying to make one of my friends choose, I will opt to bow out. I have a bunch of feelings about this, but they're mainly along the lines of frustration and sadness. There are so many connections I'm not allowed to have because it will make some other person feel bad. I don't feel this way and I don't like it at all, but I try to remember that other people do feel this way and they don't like it either, and avoid putting them in that position. Fighting for someone else's attention just makes everyone miserable. I don't know that I've ever met someone who is so openly contemptuous as the Eccentric is, of the idea that someone in his own life would try to apply the jealousy argument to him, and think it was going to stick. Mrs. Eccentric would not be Mrs. Eccentric if she did not think all of her husband's various attachments were endearing. Moreover, this whole arrangement seems to be what he is meta-going for with all of this. I've met a bunch of his other partners (dance partners. Although, perhaps notably, he always leaves off the "dance" part when speaking of them) and we all seem to be of a type, up to and including his wife: Self-sufficient to a fault and headstrong to the point where we all at least started out backleading like crazy. He likes leading us because he likes feeling trusted, and the way he makes himself trustworthy is by negotiating all of the weird boundary settings out loud, and then sticking to whatever everyone agreed on. Anyone outside who wants to tell him it's inappropriate can go kick rocks. I still don't fully trust all this. Not because of anything anyone here has done, but because I've had many hard lessons in how much people lie to themselves about what their boundaries actually are, and how I am infinitely less important than whoever you are sleeping with. The only thing that's going to fix that is a sufficiently long stretch of time where nobody tries to start shit. from Blogger https://ift.tt/2JDoM3N via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[iluvtv]

Break Fast with Snack Blankets

I celebrated the Jewish New Year and the masochistic Jewish tradition of atonement by wrapping up season 3 of Difficult People. I had been waiting, savoring, delaying… but can’t seem to hold off any longer.

Finishing a  secular, divisive comedy on the holiest night of the year may seem sacrilege to some but I would argue it is entirely apropos. Much like some choose to fast for their sins, this too is a masochistic “task” as once I finish I will have another ENTIRE lonely year without my dear difficult friends (and that’s counting on another season even being made at all….*).  

In the spirit of the season premiere where Julie found it necessary to medicate just to survive Passover I will wager bets that I may need a tranquilizer (or two) to survive the combination of another terribly sad Yom Kippur along with the end of my annual DP fix. Thank goodness a season premier of Great News will quickly follow. While it is, perhaps a more mainstream, accessible sit-com, it also is fabulous and produced by Tina Fey. Let’s be honest I basically need something fresh to laugh at from either Pohler of Fey at all times. It should be like a law or something that their particular female dream-team is always gifting us with their comedic fruits of labor.  

So, let’s debrief the season (but seriously let’s put the brief back in debrief as I am a little swamped right now, looking at menus from pricey local restaurant in hopes that my exceedingly generous client will treat me to yet another wonderful dinner —and time is of the essence).

We’ll start where I left off…

Episode 3 delves into Julie’s addiction to her Mother. Grappling with her diagnosis Billy asks Julie what the opposite of Endorphins are.

“Judaism” she replies, deadpan.

And of course it is. Hence the desperate need to self-medicate in episode 1.

In episode 4 I can’t help but notice all the subliminal and yet repetitive advertising of shitty restaurant chains (all of which happen to be in serious financial trouble according to my limited research). Why are Quizno’s, Applebees and Subway advertising with such a leftist show?  What is their agenda exactly? Saving face perhaps? Or maybe Julie just really likes sandwiches on terrible bread. And if staring at Applebees doesn’t excite you here are three unbelievably relatable quotes:

Julie: I have plans later

Billy: food or tv related?

Julie: both, I'm curling up with my snack blanket to watch the lifetime movie of all lifetime movies.

Julie (to her doting man): “I need a break from the sweet snack blanket can you grab the savory one from the closet?”

(I literally own both a sweet and savory snack blanket! How am I single?!)

Julie: I know cunt moves, I respect them

And the cunts that move them.

Namaste.

(And that’s literally how I feel about yoga).

And then, of course the episode ends with Billy and his new boyfriend's first kiss taking place in front of Equinox.

And while clearly Equinox and Gay Pride do go together like me and Gay bars (never underestimate a fag hags love of only flirting with the unavailable -- I guess if the “snack blanket” didn’t cinch the deal this might explain things) Klausner and Eichner might be a bit interested in the fact that I (a girl who only flirts with the unavailable) was actually fired from the company on an unfounded accusation of sexual harassment… basically a sexist overreaction to a female saying the word vagina. I know this isn’t really relevant to our debrief but cultural relevance is cultural relevance and basically Equinox isn’t as progressive as you might think....

Which of course, brings me straight into episode 5 where Julie and Billy discover that the part of Central Park which used to be reserved for Gay hookups is now an outdoor Equinox yoga studio. So, it is basically the same thing but with a hefty price tag. Gentrification is everywhere and even fictional butt-fucking in the park isn’t free anymore. Sad face emoji.

This episode is also fabulous for its intense focus on sexism and the tremendous pressure on women to smile at all times.

Julie just can’t do it.

And that’s why we love her.

Then there is episode 6 where there are so many riffs on sex, politics and TV I don’t even know where to start. So, let’s instead discuss OpenTable’s odd arrival to the small screen. First with this quote from a casting agent to Billy and Julie:

We know from your opentable reservations neither of you have NYE plans

(Oh, fuck my life neither do I. Unless, maybe we can count watching the Season Finale of Difficult People on Yom Kippur and call it a day...?)

Later in the episode it is revealed the the aforementioned reservation platform is also “running original content”. And while they may be the one app that isn’t yet doing this I’m sure they actually are close behind. Funny cuz it’s true?

Which reminds me, I must be brief…I have my own OpenTable reservations to make...

But, before we move on I simply must mention one more sexist/tv/food related quote from this episode:

“Like the ad for yoplait where the woman gets so thin she disappeared and the man says, ‘now there's a woman I don't wanna punch’”

If that doesn’t make you lol you’re dead inside.

If you like the recurring theme of how sexist TV is, Episode 7 takes the cake. Julie (thanks to a vision board) is able to try her hand at working in a writer’s room. Clearly though, no matter how hard she tries she simply cannot make the opportunity successful because what we learn from these insiders is TV is written for men by men (though the recent 2017 Emmy’s did prove times are a-changing). The whole episode is perfect but is best summed up with this quote from the writer’s room:

"Oh no I hate women, I got into writing for tv so I could not write for them"

Meanwhile Marilyn decides to “do something for herself” (gasp, I know) and settles on a Bat Mitzvah. And while I (a Bat Mitzvah myself, actually) had no idea, she teaches us you can’t become a woman without a theme. Her theme? “ME”. 

Why didn’t I think of that?

Episode 8 is a perfect representation of modern day city life. Billy and his boyfriend aren’t able to fall asleep next to each other as this quiet act is just far too intimate (I can relate). The lovebirds spend most of the episode trying to tire themselves out in a desperate attempt to move forward with their relationship. Their antics towards exhaustion are, of course, fantastic especially when the most tiring thing Billy can think of to do is calling his cousin and asking her “why she decided to take a break from social media.”

They take part in every boring, typically tourist adventure New York has to offer only to discover that those who visit their city are actually bigger freaks than those who choose to live full-time in New York. Fabulous.

Meanwhile, the two most narcissistic people on the show (Matthew and Marilyn) secretly work to manipulate the other in selfish attempts to steal the other’s identity. 

And if all this wasn’t enough antics, Julie tries to return to improv only to discover she just isn’t the requisite “yes, and” girl of improvisation but does quite well with “a no but girl.” agenda

Me too Julie, me too.

And finally we have episode nine which includes an unintentional ayahuasca trip, a trans-sorority reunion vacay and most importantly a focus on the premise that the opportunity to change on a whim is available to all selfish, difficult people because we don’t have dependents. You’re welcome world.

Here are the most quotable treats:

Billy (who is feeling very over NY) on Bowling Alleys (and I suppose hipsters in general):

"It's like Poor Man: The Ride "

The team’s view of Etsy:

Julie: “Etsy’s a cult "

Billy: "except for with arts and crafts so basically it’s camp"

Yes, OMG, how did I not think of that?!

And then there is the neurotic Jewish Mother’s method of procrastination/anorexia.

Marilyn: “I should have a lemon wedge. I worked out this morning, I deserve one.”

There is one of the best public transportation scenes I have ever witnessed. I won’t even debrief it because I literally just can’t do it justice.

And then we get down to the nitty gritty: the crew accidentally do the trans-sorority girls’ ayahuasca and in a panic of the unknown Arthur finds a step-by-step guide on Miley Cyrus’s website.

Of course.

They all are on board with most of her steps (no-one even flinches in regards to vomiting) but when the thought of confronting their innermost truth they are less than thrilled.

I agree, who wants to do that?

But they do and it seems to be bliss for them all:

Marilyn enters a Marilyn only world

Matthew hallucinates a terribly fat, naked  gay man in a chef’s hat, jumping

Arthur hallucinates Julie taking charge

Billy gets on a tv show and breaks up w/ NYC

And Julie’s crafting persona has a duel with her actress persona

so, basically everyone wakes up glad they did ayahuasca .

Maybe being a difficult person also means you are secretly really well adjusted?

Revelations aren’t easy but they are wonderful from this crew:

Julie reading her closing monologue which is covered in vomit: "because I do comedy I will always be on the misery spectrum...I am an unhappy person but the alternative is being someone I don't know and that, is terrifying."

Motivated to change, Billy starts looking for apartments in LA, but finds the process a wee bit exhausting (even his IMDB page must be submitted— fucking LA).

Meanwhile, the trans-sorority girls recite their pledge:

“never go on CNN to discuss Caitlyn Jenner.”

OH GOD IT’S ALL SO GOOD. 

Shall we mourn it’s passing with a yahrzeit? 

But before we commemorate this tragic, tragic end I’ll have the series finale recap for you shortly....

*sadly since writing this first draft the cancellation of this essential comedy has been revealed