#marmarwrites

[lmaofucked]

depression is like trying to walk through quick sand on a dry, desert day

[botchbaby]

a topic i care deeply about is loneliness

there are times where i care about it so much because i feel it every day but there are times where i’m fine and i don’t think about it

while i travel, i want to think about loneliness. observe people, think about the topic and write

my loneliness comes from a feeling that i’ll never be truly accepted by my family for who i am. feeling like i’d be rejected at the drop of a pin by my parents for who i am makes it feel like everyone else will do the same.

i don’t understand why i self ostracize. no matter who i surround myself with, i still feel this impending feeling of being alone. it’s probably my mental illness but man when that loneliness subsides for a moment and i feel loved and accepted, it’s worth a thousand lifetimes to me.

[botchbaby]

oh this is addicting

i really think i suck at writing and articulating my thoughts because i spent the better part of the past 8 years trying to drown my thoughts so i don’t kill myself. i am so curious to learn who i am and how i think. it feels pathetic, like a character jon lovitz would play, but also it is what it is baby

film is helping me step outside of my own head and think more. id really like to write something one day to prove to myself that yeah i can write things and be proud of it. for so long my identity was driven by being a writer, by being funny and by being fat

it’s odd now that i’m left with just being fat because i don’t think i’m a writer or funny and that’s okay. but i’d like to build myself again to someone who i can identify with.

maybe what i need to do is focus on reading too. i haven’t read a damn book since high school and it shows baby. books and film. that’s the shit i’m diving into for my hobbies

[botchbaby]

ok i’m back now i’m going to use this blog as a way to organize my thoughts when i don’t want to explicitly share them with anyone but need to get them out

my first thought of the night? i have literally never been dumber in my life. meaning is watered down and i find no beauty in the films i see. not in the same way others do. i’m envious of my friend who can look at a movie and think so critically about the meaning and write beautifully about it. i’ll never tell him that but i really envy that