#marmalade and gamma are still here

[fafnirhumgy]

They called her the Briar Maiden for obvious reasons: the enormous swathe of briar rose bushes that surrounded her real body. Growing from the moment she entered her eternal slumber, it protected that physical anchor even as it warped and metamorphosed into a decidedly non-human form from years of degeneration and regeneration. An "abnormal" end for any Reyvateil, even for a "false" γ-Sublimate like her; usually she'd either be a puddle of biofluid or a corpse in a glass coffin, the latter of which was her colleague Sakia's end alongside her beloved Aoto.

She hoped they were having fun singing Songs together in heaven.

Agh, tangents. The other thing that started cropping up the longer she slept were the visions. Tales of other realities, not necessarily her but others who tread a certain thread of [possibilities]. A fairy tale, told countless times over, of a Twisted Wonderland. She was especially interested in the version that starred herself in that mysterious college. But right now, she had another goal...

Ah, there they were. Milgram and Yuuki. It would be rude to keep guests waiting, especially after going all the way to prepare the table beforehand. She let her consciousness drift for a split second, and no longer was she in her true body but a new doll-like one, closer to what she looked like in her youth. The dress she wore was a staple one, used among the many forms she used to communicate with visitors and covered with beautiful roses.

She sat herself down at the end of the table, but her guests did not. They instead took in their surroundings, and... hm. Yuuki was the first to bring up the discrepancies.

"Should we paint the white roses red?"

How astute. Well, there goes that doubt! She chuckled, "Don't worry. I just wanted to make sure I got the right people."

A wave of a finger, and she painted the roses herself. It was no proper Heartslaybul tea party, but it was enough for her. Satisfied, the two boys took their seats.

Milgram, the Genom-Sharl dragon, voiced his concerns. "Why did you call us here, miss Briar Maiden-"

"Oh please, just call me Meryu! We're all friends of Night Raven College here, are we not?"

"I-I suppose so."

Yuuki, sharp-eyed and eared as ever, caught on once again. "And you include yourself because...?"

"It's related to what I wished to speak to you boys about."

She took a sip of her tea before continuing.

"You are well aware of how the Briar Maiden's dreams can see into the vastness of time?"

Milgram nodded. "The past, the future, even alternate timelines... it's like a sporadic version of the holy Oversight."

Yuuki's eyes widened. "Oh! That must include Twisted Wonderland too. So you must've been in our places or something in one of those worlds."

"Exactly! And so far it's been a juicy tale! But now I am curious, because of the stories I've dreamed about, yours was especially fragmented. So... erm... I wanted to know more..."

She kicked her legs in embarrassment as the two boys laughed at their own worries.

Yuuki sipped his own tea. "Haah, and here I thought we were in trouble!"

Milgram shook his head, but partook of the tea as well. "I'm sure we'll still be embarrassed nonetheless, don't get your hopes up harton fayra..."

Satisfied, she produced a picture of two individuals: a tall professor with a prosthetic arm, and his shorter assistant with pink animal traits. Her excited grin couldn't be any wider!

"So, my first burning question: who was Professor Betel and his assistant Draco?"

...she was not expecting a synchronized groan of pain...?

[chibi-celesti]

EXEC_ZENVA=RYUSSE >> FLEUR_CITY: Wassa Masquerade ag cremia LYAarhou_Siance(Let's go to the Glorious Masquerade!) (pt. 1)

Pt. 2 Pt.3

Summary: The Tales of the Glorious Masquerade with a Twst. Tone. spice added to it! Meryu, after Grim’s moaning and groaning withered away at Crowley’s resolve, can now travel to other cities with her friends for the First Ever Arcane School Trip. This trip will take her to a beautiful city where the prestigious Noble Bell College resides: Fleur City, aka the City of Flowers. And her group’s chance encounter with the well known Student Council President Rollo Flamme will change the outcome of the entire school trip.

A fic paying tribute to the Glorious Masquerade. I was thinking of doing a lot of the events from TW within Twst Tone, but for now I will start small with my personal favorite event of the Game. Some things that happen here aren't tied to TT’s Canon! (Side note: I altered Meryu's Reyvateil placement for this story, but don't worry. This too isn't tied too much to TT's canon either! In addition, this Event takes place post Book 06!)

~Twisted Tonelico~

Part one: Start Up(Preparations)

~???~

A lone boy sat alone in his council room, gazing directly at the fire. This boy was of 17 years of age, his emerald eyes that looked fatigue stared off at the dancing embers, his hands linked together as he appeared lost in thought. He looked down at the documents on his desk; each one containing information regarding his ‘visitors’ coming to his domain for a special arcane trip. “Soon…the day of retribution will be upon them soon,” A shady grin formed on his lips. “I will see to it that you fall, Malleus Draconia!”

His eyes then focus onto one face within the pile of Night Raven students, rereading the name and memorizing down to the finest details of her face. A magicless prefect from another world: Meryu Ptrapica Melenas. He picked up her file with care, caressing her photo with fondness of a protector.

“Fear not, my dear. For I will save you from those wretched demons!”

~Night Raven: RTG~

“The First Ever Arcane School Trip?”

“Yes./ You betcha!”

Dr. Marmalade leaned back into their work chair. “Interesting. What do you think, kiddo?”

Meryu is unsure of what to think. Ever since Crowley made an announcement about this Trip offered by another school beyond the borders of Sage’s Island, everyone didn’t really care for it at first until he selected 11 lucky(or unlucky in Idia’s case) students to represent Night Raven College. Sadly, both she and Grim didn’t make the cut because their names were not chosen. Something she didn’t mind, but Grim on the other hand couldn’t stand it. He rather they go out and see what the world had to offer since he they were always cooped up on the island.

Well, except for that one incident, but we don’t talk about that. Anyway-

The feline pestered the Headmage so much, the birdman fae conceited to allow the both of them to, with a catch: While also representing the school with her classmates, she is forbidden from revealing her Reyvateil status to ANYONE at Noble Bell College nor the people of Fleur City.

“I don’t mind it. But I do wish Mr. Crowley didn't have to lie about my status to Noble Bell.” Meryu lamented.

“Given the current condition of the World, it is a safer probability to ensure your safety.” Gamma told her.

Dr. Marmalade voiced their thoughts on the matter, though mostly agreeing with their assistant. “Birdy’s got a point. After the fiasco back home, the last thing I want is for my nephews’ folks to mess with you anymore than they already have.”

“That’s true…”

“That being said,”  They continued on: “Those who are going, do they know to carry their back up toys for emergencies?”

“Deuce and Epel? Yes.”

“And Zigvolt?”

“Loud mouth still refusin’ your gift despite us telling him to take it!” Grim said, annoyed that once again Sebek is ignoring his call to service because of his odd sense of pride and servitude to Malleus Draconia. “Why did we even botha makin’ him his own back up weapon?!”

“He’s an honorary Guardian, Grim. That's why.” The Reyvateil told him. “But I do wonder how Midori-kun feels about this trip?” Meryu does feel bad that her Princely friend will not be able to go. She wonders if there is anything in the mythical city they’re going to has any flower seeds or other trinkets he might like.

Her thoughts were soon interrupted by the Tin Man himself. “Meryu Melenas. Before you depart, there is one form of maintenance we must perform.”

“Hmm? What dya mean, Gamma-sensei?” Grim asked the former Charon.

“He’s saying that we should make sure she can survive the trip. She’ll be far away from the Dark Mirror, so we need to be prepared for when the time comes.”

“Prepare Minion with what exactly?”

“We need to craft her a [Ryusse] Song, followed by a Flip Flop conversation to whatever can act as an SH_Server in this City of Flowers.”

This confused Meryu a bit. “But I thought the Headmage would help us with that…”

That earned an eye roll from their mentor/ Counselor. “Even if he says that now, nine out of ten it'll be us doing the dirty work.” They moved to pat both Meryu and Grim on the head before heading to the Grathmelding workstation. “Come on. Let's see what we can Meld together while the boys are busy.”

“Hai!/ Gotcha, boss!” The Ramshackle duo ran to the nearest cabinet and started gathering everything they needed to produce the [Ryusse] song. 

Grim began loading some ingredients to the cauldron when his friend brought another important question to discuss. “Should we also make some Tranquility Crystals, too, Dr. Marmalade?”

“I don’t see why not, but we have plenty in stock for you and the others here, too.”

“Like you said, you can never be too careful! I’ll make sure to give some to Deuce and Epel just in case! Maybe I should give them to Mr. Zigvolt as well…”

“Knowing him, he’ll throw them out and claim you’re weak for needing them and your Life Extending Agents!”

“Who said what now?”

The group turned to see the first year Guardians in question arrive in the RTG. “Hey, boys!” The girl greeted. “Grim was just talking about Sebek’s denial as a Reyvateil Knight.”

Ace laughed at the allegation, knowing that would be something the Diasomnian student would say. “Not surprised. It’s been, what, 8 weeks since he joined us.”

“He could be nervous about this new position he was given.”

“That’s possible,” Deuce mentioned. “I know for me, Ace, and Epel it was a surprise from you and the Headmage, Doctor.”

“Still, better now than never. That’s how I see it anyway.”

“Oh we know,” Jack quipped. “By the way, what are you all making today?”

“Tranquility crystals.” Grim answered him. “Meryu wanted to have more while we party at Fleur City!”

A record scratch could be heard as the Guardians were trying to process what the dire beast said. “...Come again?”

“Grim bullied Crowley into letting us go…”

…

“WHAT?!/ No fair!” Jack and Ace cried.

“Calm down, guys! I’m still as shocked as you are!”

“Lies! I bet you’re secretly hyped about going on this trip!” Ace said angrily. “You probably helped set up Crowley with Grim from the beginning! OW!”

Gamma whacked the boy on the head with his fan. “INCORRECTION! Grim was the only perpetrator responsible! I have the tapes to prove it.”

Epel giggled, muttering a ‘Serves you right’ behind his hand. Deuce, on the other hand, tried to reason with him. “Let it go, Ace. Besides, you won’t have to put up with Houswarden Riddle for the next few days.”

“I would if it weren’t for Trey and Carter-senpai still enforcing the rules while he’s gone.”

Meryu turned to Jack after making sure she added a sprinkle of Minnow fins into the cauldron. “What about you, Mr. Jack? Do you have to do Mr. Ruggie’s chores while he’s away?”

“Yes, but nothing too major. I can handle it no problem!” He pumped his fist, ready to take on any challenge.

“That’s a relief.”

“Final Reminder for all: Keep your Symphonic Gear on hand for Emergencies!” 

Gamma’s announcement spooked two of the boys going to Noble Bell. “Our Symphonic Gear?! But what if we-!”

“Relax, you won’t,” The teacher assured them. “Remember, we specialized them to be as less noticeable as possible. They won’t bat an eye at their appearances, so you and Deuce will be fine, Felmier.”

“R-right…” Epel still felt new to this whole Guardian thing. He doesn’t mind it at all since he can prove himself to be strong, even if it’s not as physically buffed as say Deuce and Jack. But his nimble nature and ‘Lovely Charms’ have gotten better thanks to Vil and Marmalade’s teachings.

That said, he also noticed something off about the supplies being used in the Lab. “Um, Doctor. This is way more than the normal amount needed to make Tranquility Crystals.”

The rest caught on quickly when they saw what the Pomefiore first year pointed out. “Yeah, you’re right. Hey, Doc. What’s the deal?”

“One word. [Ryusse].”

“[Ryusse]? !!!” The boys picked up on the word quickly. “What do you mean by that?!”

“We’re working on a [Ryusse] Song. In case Crowley doesn’t keep his end to help us out!”

“What for?”

In a serious tone, their friend gave them all a straightforward answer. “So I can request for whatever resides in this Fleur City to be my [Ar Tonelico], and ensure I make it there safely.”

Meryu’s answer threw them for a loop, until some of them recalled how complicated things were when she strayed away from the Dark Mirror for too long. “That makes sense…” Jack admitted. Last thing anyone wants is to remember that fiasco again. “When do you guys think it’ll be done by?”

“Estimation is three days before their departure.”

“Who calls dibs on Downloading it?”

“Trappola…” The Doc warned.

“What~ I’m just asking. That way we know who’s responsible, that’s all.”

“Hmmm,” He wasn’t wrong. And they know she hasn’t planned that far ahead yet. “We’ll discuss it the day of the Download.” They chuckled at how Ace deflated at their response. Granted it seemed that all of them were bummed about not knowing who’ll perform it. “Don’t be so glum, kids. Be happy she’s going at all, AND that she is in good hands with you and the others.”

“Hai, Doctor.”

To lighten up the mood again, their Charon assistant asked a simple question: “Anyone hungry for Potato Donuts?”

“ME! ME!!” Was the general consensus.

~Nighttime, Ramshackle Dorm: Meryu’s Room~

Once they produced enough Tranquility Crystals, packaged some Life Extending Agents, and workshopped some ingredients to add on to the [Ryusse] Hymn Crystal, Meryu, Grim and the rest of the First Years retired for the night. Evening with the names of the people chosen, more still needed to be done from taking whatever simple clothes and garments they needed on hand. For the Housewardens going, they made sure that their Right hand commanders were given any and all information and to record anyone who may have broken a rule(Riddle), to manage the dorms nicely and uniformly without anything catching fire(Jamil). Meryu and Grim were lucky it was only them, with the one rule she asked from Alphonse, Benedict and Connor being that they keep the place nice and clean until they come back.

Speaking of said Reyvateil, the nervous jitters kept her awake, nearing into the Midnight hour. I can’t believe I’m actually going to another place this month! And to this Fleur City! Oh, I can’t wait to share this with Lady Frelia and Shun! Thinking of them suddenly caused a wave of heartache to bloom. If only there was a way to show them beyond simple photos…

Slowly, she rose from her bed and headed towards her bedroom window, peeking up at the Ethereal Full Moon in the sky. She began humming her lullaby again to herself, until she spotted the green glow of fireflies outside. He’s here?! Meryu pressed her face into the glass, and lo and behold, her prince was outside Ramshackle!

With a rush of joy, she left her room(making sure not to disturb Grim in the process) and outside into the cool Autumn air. “Midori-kun!”

“Meryu,” Malleus greeted her as she ran and hugged him fiercely. He laughed while hugging her back before letting her go to hold her hands in his. “You seem excited, my dear.”

“I am! I haven’t seen you all day, and I was worried because-” She paused before asking: “You heard of the Headmage’s announcement, right?”

“I have from Lilia. Something about an Official Arcane School Trip,” She nodded at his answer. “To be honest, I wish I was there when the Headmage had spoken about it.”

“He still hasn’t worked on that…” They both jokingly question how the ‘wise and generous’ Mage still kept forgetting to inform the Prince of such occasions. It’s a miracle he hasn't become roasted crow yet.  Shaking away such musings, Meryu went back on topic. “Anyway, I was hoping to see you to ask you a few things.”

“Things?”

“You see, Grim pestered Crowley into letting us go as representatives with the others.”

Malleus’s eye widened. “He has?” She happily nodded, oblivious to the shadow of a smirk that disappeared faster than it appeared. “Interesting. Are you excited, Inferiare?”

She blushed at the nickname. “Yes. This will be my first time proper, so…”

“I know,” He leaned in to whisper this to her. “To tell you the truth, I never told anyone this, not even Lilia, but I, too, was nervous to leave my home to come here.”

“Really?!” A simple nod was given. “You never came as someone who gets anxious.”

“You would be surprised. As Prince, I must refrain from expressing too much of my emotions less I make my people worry. However, what I say is the truth.”

She looked down at their hands, lamenting about her friend unable to travel with her. “I wish you could go. This city sounds beautiful…And I think you would adore the sights and sounds,” She felt him pat her head gently before tilting her face towards him. His eyes glimmering like the stars above.

“Fear not, Melenas. I’m sure Fate will allow us to journey together someday.” And those words alone were enough to ease some of her sadness and worries.

~Morning, Night Raven: Headmage Office~

“Splendid news everyone!” Crowley cheered, facing his group of tired first years. Well, all except for Sebek, who seemed more energized than tired. And Ortho, who isn’t usually tired given his state of being.

Once more the Headmage had called upon his “High Achieving” Students, aka those in the know of the RTG and the two Teachers overseeing the project. He claimed that he had something of importance he wanted to share with them. Super early in the morning. Before regular classes begin, and three days before they were to leave. Oh what fun…

Grim yawned before he asked the same question that was on most of their minds. “What news?”

“I have located the perfect source of an SH_Server!” The neurons in everyone’s minds shot them wide awake right away.

“Seriously?!/Really?!/ That’s Amazing, Sir!!”

Gamma turned to face his creator. “How do you prefer your socks, Marmalade? Fried, or marinated?”

“Not now, idiot!” They told him through gritted teeth.

Crowley was confused about the context. “I beg your pardon?”

“Doc said they’d eat their own socks if you didn’t keep your end of the deal,” Epel told him.

“Ah! Well, I told you I would aid everyone in this endeavor, didn’t I?” The damn fool was gonna enjoy his ego high after this.

“You did, after Grim violated your eardrums for hours.”

“I digress!” Crowley shouted. “Where was I? Oh yes. I have located somewhere in Fleur City that appears to have the same potential as the Dark Mirror to be an [Ar Tonelico] for Ms. Melenas. Tracking down its address was no easy task given the circumstances, but I managed to do so with due diligence!”

Most of them doubted it, but they didn’t dare voice it aloud again. Sebek, however, wanted this meeting to finish swiftly. “What is this new [Ar Tonelico] which you speak of?”

“The Bell of Salvation.”

“Huh?”

“Bell of Salvation?”

“That is a history lesson I do not have enough time to discuss at the moment, but yes,” He leaned onto his hands on his desk. “This is the temporary Song Server for you, Ms. Melenas.”

“I see…”

“And as far your project has come along, have you all completed this newer Hymn Crystal?”

“Yes sir! We finished purifying it yesterday!” Deuce said.

“Splendid. I take it this also means we can install post haste, no?”

“We can. But these idiots keep bickering over who should do it for the umpteenth time despite Melenas having the final say more than them.” Marmalade jested. “Who knew getting to chant in Hymmnos would get all their attention to focus in class.”

Crowley looked at the boys in disappointment, shaking his head at the information he was given. “You all must decide on who does it by the end of the day, or I’ll do it myself.”

“Mr. Crowley. About that…”

“Hmm?”

“I was wondering…” Meryu twiddled her hands before making her request. “If I could decide on who I would like to do this?”

“I see. Will you have your answer by day’s end?”

“Actually,” She clenched her hands together to disguise her nervousness. “I know who I want to do this with.”

~After school, Night Raven: The ‘Singing Hill’~

The group all gathered at the school’s ‘Singing Hills’ as they promised, waiting to perform the next steps needed for the safe travel ahead.

Before Meryu stood Malleus, whom she had given the Hymn Crystal [Ryusse] after she requested him to meet her after lunch. He was ecstatic to hear that she wanted him to help her with this task. As if he couldn’t feel more jubilated about the fact he was cordially invited to go as well, now his Beloved Siren is asking this of him. He felt like he could die happy to have so many good things come his way. 

Despite Sebek’s protests about him going through with this-combined with his insistence to do the procedure instead-the Prince’s resolve was firm. And to do this here before they depart… he felt honored to help his Reyvateil even more.

“Are you ready, Meryu?”

“Whenever you are, Midori-kun!”

“Very well,” He moved the Hymn Crystal in front of himself and Meryu. The moment it began to glow, he started the incantation.

“Was yea ra rre crushue Hymmnos.” Rings of light in the form of Hymmnos glyphs began to take shape. This did not deter anyone, not a single soul.

He continued on. “ADDR:0x02:04:1938:1113:1940. MA zweie ra flip 1x01110000 MERYU_FEHU_EOLIA_ARTONELICO <=> ARTONELICO=DARKMIRROR_PHANTASIA.”

*Whoosh*

“Rana 1/1x10 enter > hyzik sphilar >> Meryu exec DRONE=RYUSSE.”

*Whoosh*

“Grandus harr zenva tes ADDR: 0x06:06:1996:0316:1831, [BEATA=MARIA] der zuieg GRANDEE=MALLEUS_DRACONIA.”

The final ring of light vanished indicating the end of the rite. “Are you well, Melenas-san?”

“Yes,” she told him, then looked towards everyone. “I’m ready for Fleur City, everyone.”

~EXEC_ZENVA=RYUSSE >> FLEUR_CITY; Tes Biron~

[lazyevaluationranch]

On a post about the Blue Haired Girlfriend's quixotic citrus breeding experiments, @voidingintotheshout​ asked:

I mean, if you wanted a hearty citrus relative, why didn’t you just grow Osage Orange? They can grow as far north as Michigan which is surely further north than anyone could reasonably expect to grow a citrus tree. They’re not edible but then hearty orange isn’t either. Osage Orange are so cool and such a interesting historical plant from the Shelterbelt era of American agriculture. Apparently they do smell like citrus.

This is part three of three. Part one. Part two.

Now you've done it! It's time for A Very Brief (But Also Insufficiently Brief) History of Twentieth Century Hardy Citrus Cultivation! Growing citrus trees this far north is kind of nuts, it's true, but I promise you it is not even close to the weirdest things people have done to grow citrus in places where the citrus doesn't think it should grow.

A note: This post will written using the Swingle citrus taxonomy system, including things that are definitely wrong. The citrus taxonomic tree looks like that one box of orphaned computer cords I keep moving with me to new houses "in case I need them" except some sort of adorable five-dimensional kitten has entertained herself with them and some of the resulting knots are not technically possible in our space-time continuum. 

The powers that be gave us citrus because nothing pleases them like seeing a geneticist cry.

1. The Migrant Trees

The Soviet Union wanted lemons for tea, and they wanted to be independent enough not to have to trade with anyone else to get them, which meant they wanted to grow their own citrus. That part of the world is not a great place to grow plants that die when the temperature goes below zero, but at the foundation of the Soviet Union, there were citrus orchards in the warmest part of Georgia, along the Black Sea. Specifically, there was about, uh, one and a half square kilometers of somewhat implausible citrus orchard.

Hang on, it is about to get way less plausible.

This is the great citrus migration: any tree that did well in one spot, they'd try planting its seeds a few kilometres further north, or a few kilometres further east. Prizes were offered for breeding hardier citrus. Slowly the orchards spread, but they were extremely weird orchards.

It's usually a few degrees warmer at ground level than up in the air, and there's way less wind. So as the trees grew, they were bent over and tied along the ground. Some of them had the central trunk run in a straight line along the ground, with branches spreading out from it like the leaves of a fern, like an espaliered tree on its side. Others were starfish shaped, with the central trunk looped down until it ended up next to the base, and the branches sprawling out along the ground from the centre like starfish legs. The citrus trees were no taller than particularly vigorous strawberry plants, but they survived the winters, and you could throw a blanket over them to help them stay warm.

None of that helped if the ground froze solid, so they needed Underground Citrus. You'd dig a ditch, down below the lowest area where the ground froze, and you'd plant flat Starfish Trees or Flat Frond Trees running along the bottom of it, too deep to freeze. In winter, you'd just cover the ditch with boards any time the temperature was expected to go below freezing - citrus would tolerate the lack of light, but not the cold. Mandarins (Citrus reticulata) seemed to do best, so that’s most of what was grown.

It is a nearly unimaginable amount of work to grow citrus this way, along the bottoms of pits and trenches. We are experimentally trying to grow a Soviet-developed mandarin breed of unknown parentage, Shirokolistvennyi, but we will definitely not be putting in that level of effort.

2. The Mixed Up Trees

There are a couple species of citrus that tolerate cold well, but taste awful. A lot of effort has gone into crossbreeding them with more edible citrus. The results are ... mixed.

The Ichang Papeda (Citrus cavaleriei) generally survives temperatures down to -18 degrees C. It is stoic and calm and has mastered emptiness. Unfortunately, it has mastered emptiness too well. The fruit smells like lemons, with maybe a hint of rose, but there's nothing to eat here. It has a rind and seeds. No juice, no flesh.

(Photo by Michael Saalfield)

The Ichang Papeda is the parent or grandparent to several delicious, extremely sour Asian citrus types. Yuzu/yuja smells like grapefruit and clean wet stones from the bottom of a fast-flowing stream. Sudachi smells like grapefruit and leaves with dew on them. (I haven't met kabosu or any other papeda hybrids personally, but they are numerous.)  They're all too sour to eat plain, unless you really need to turn your face inside out for some reason, but make for excellent flavouring. 

(We have a yuzu tree and a sudachi tree and they're surviving, but no fruit yet.)

Trifoliate orange (Poncirus trifoliata) can survive temperatures down to -30 degrees C. This may be partly because, uniquely amoung citrus, they can drop leaves in autumn or winter and regrow them in spring, like a maple tree. They also produce an internal antifreeze. They are angry, twisted, thorny little plants that yell swears when you walk past them. They make a great hedge. The fruit is furry, smells like flowers and pine trees and taste like burnt, bitter plastic. It may or may not be possible to breed the horrible taste completely out of trifoliate oranges without losing cold-hardiness, if it's due to their antifreeze chemicals. Here’s Stabby:

(Photo by Rob Hille)

Even the least terrible trifoliate crossbreeds are bitter enough to qualify as “acquired tastes.” There are recipes for trifoliate marmalade: put a dozen trifoliate oranges, a kilogram of sugar, and a kilogram of pebbles in a pot, cook until it gels, then sieve out the oranges and eat the pebbles. 

We are growing a trifoliate orange / minneola orange hybrid. And, of course, someday our own trifoliate hybrids. The Blue Haired Girlfriend planted 200 trifoliate oranges a couple years ago. There are fewer now, but the survivors have lived through two winters of snow and frost, and they might have somehow gotten more stabby. We're going to breed them, to each other or to less angry fruit, try and make something new and good from them.

I've limited this post to twentieth century hardy citrus breeding, but I have to give a shoutout to somatic hybridization, a decidedly twenty first century technique, where you take a cell from each of two different plants, remove their cell walls, put them next to eachother, and shock them with electricity until they merge into a single cell whose nucleus contains all genes from both plants. Then the new plant is like, "Wow, I guess these are all my genes? It seems like a lot, haha, but it's not like somebody made me from dismembered body parts and electricity, that is not how science works. Anyway I guess it's time to do some plant stuff now."

3. The Mutant Trees

In the 1950s, people started using radiation to randomly scramble the genes of plants. You'd irradiate seeds enough to change the genes somehow, and then you'd have to plant them to see what had happened. Maybe it was people horrified by the atomic bomb desperately wanting to find some life-supporting use for atomic fission, maybe it was government-supported cold war "atom bombs are good actually, look how many we have, USSR" propaganda. Probably both. 

This time period also saw serious plans for Orion, a spaceship with a huge metal plate for a butt, intended to be propelled by exploding atomic bombs under it, which I am not actually making up.

Thousands of people in Europe and the US signed up to receive seeds with random mutations in the mail, plant them, and report back on what they heck they grew into and if it had any useful weirdness. (The gamma radiation used to mutate the seeds did not make them radioactive themselves - the seeds were completely safe.) There were also more formal and carefully controlled university research programs in China, Japan, and the US, where plants where grown in a circular research garden with a coverable radiation source at the centre, so that the farther you got from the centre, the less radiation the plants got. Radiation breeding is less popular than it used to be, but Japan still has a very productive citrus radiation breeding program.

The most popular radiation-bred citrus is the "Rio Red" grapefruit and its offspring, which has a much deeper red than non-mutant red grapefruit.

There aren't many radiation-developed citrus breeds noted for cold-hardiness - with radiation you get whatever you get  - but there are a few, and I want one just because I think they're neat, a monument to that lovely human vision that looks at terrible weapons and somehow sees glossy-leaved trees with bright fruit.

4. The Monster Trees

Citrus are usually grown via grafting. That is, you plant a seed from a fast-growing sturdy breed, you let it grow roots and all that, and then you cut the top off and replace it with a branch from a more delicious breed. The two citruses grow together, and you end up with a tree that's disease and cold resistant in the roots, below the graft, but makes tasty fruit above the graft.

Occasionally, this process goes Wrong. 

The first recorded instance is the tree called Bizarria, discovered in 1640. Someone attempted to graft a sour orange branch onto a citron. But instead of a clean line between sour orange branches and citron roots, the graft was damaged somehow, and the two different species of cells got tangled and mixed through the whole tree. It has branches that produce citron fruit. It has branches that produce sour orange fruit. And it has branches that produce, uh ... these:

(Photo by Labrina)

Most graft chimeras are made accidentally, when the graft site is damaged. Trifoliate orange is often used as rootstock, so there are many reported chimeras involving trifoliate orange and a nicer fruit. The mixed-up cells can be arranged a lot of ways, but it's possible to have the outside layer of the tree be trifoliate orange, and the core of the tree be the other citrus (periclinal chimera). This means you could theoretically get a tree with frostproof trifoliate leaves and branches, but fruit that doesn’t taste like burnt plastic rolled in quinine.

This lucky monstrosity has, in fact, reportedly happened. Twice. There is the Prague Citsuma, discovered in a greenhouse in Prague and suspected to have been created by a Soviet breeding program. And then there is the Hormish, discovered in China and thought to have been made by frostbite messing up the clean lines of the graft. The Blue Haired Girlfriend has managed to track down budwood from the Prague Citsuma - I’m so excited! - so we'll see how the fierce thorny monster tree with a heart of gold, or at least heartwood of gold, does for us.

5. Conclusion

Humans have been trying to grow citrus trees where they don't belong for nearly two thousand years, at least since the Jewish Diaspora and people trying to grow holy etrog trees - trunks gnarled as barnacle stones and the whole tree scented like the best dream you can't remember - in Europe. Maybe longer.

The Blue Haired Girlfriend's citrus-breeding schemes aren't going to singlehandedly transform Canada into a net citrus exporter. But history shows us: it might be possible to have a little gleaming sweetness from the stony ground here, with the ravens and the fir trees and the auroras. A sweetness we made ourselves, that exists nowhere else. 

Or maybe we'll just have a bunch of weird inedible fruit. I don't know, but it's worth finding out, worth weaving together leaf and thorn and stone and the light of our hands as the years unwind. Worth it to have a quixotic project we can expect to spend decades on together, hands and hearts. This is how home is made, sometimes, with a balcony full of angry thorny little trees that shout swears at passerby.

[fafnirhumgy]

another error message.

marmalade sunk back in his seat with a sigh, the ever dutiful gamma bringing him refreshments to clear his mind. for all that yuuki adhered to the traditional makeup of any general reyvateil, there were just as many aspects where he didn't. some were obvious - he was a boy rather than a girl - and some were rather genius - his telomeres were quite reinforced, possibly explaining why his need for diquility only extended to pain relief and not life support - while others were obtuse by the means which his existence was possible. on paper, the redirect from a traditional cosmosphere to the genometrics was a good idea. in practice?

well, if the weird visual on his screen of a weird tree wrapping its roots around a pillar of metal was any indication, it was just a bit more complicated than he was prepared for. and the less said about the weird beastly parts in his h-waves, the better.

then again, though he didn't know the exact details about those strange mutations, he did at least know what they were. and that, he could work with.

"..."

unfortunately, that wasn't much either.

another sigh.

"well, gamma, i'm big enough to admit i'm lost on this matter. looks like i have no choice."

his metal companion tilted his head as the professor sipped the offered drink and reached for a barely-used rotary phone. it was the phone, the one he always dreaded using. he had an inkling as to what was about to happen next, but it still warranted asking:

"what will you do, professor?"

"...i have no choice but to ask them for help."

a few short whirs of the wheel, the softly ringing dialtone of the phone, and the seconds-long wait that felt like an hour began...

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"oh yeah, we're free! we'll take a quick pit stop at the town we're at and we'll fly right over. see ya!"

click.

betel looked down at the giant canine monster he was perched upon, his prosthetic arm checking its vitals and sending back all green. well, it was pretty disingenuous to call the beautiful creature he was on a "monster", but that was the scientific term, so what can ya do. his cohort, the "song-beast" draco, was keeping the big doggo occupied by yapping its ear off about something... related to sea shells?

"hey kiddo, you can stop with the seafood talk, you're making me hungry over here too."

a playful raspberry. huh, he was getting pretty good at understanding the song language draco's kind used. seriously, would it kill anyone else to put in the effort to learn even a little bit of the language and what these people called themselves?

the pink dragon perched on his shoulder and switched to common, for his sake. "so, boss, where to next?"

"sage's island. we're finally coming come to nrc!"

"oh yeah, you told me all about that place... isn't it where all the stuck-up douches li-"

"NOT just the douches, i know a few cool people there."

"right, i remember! your childhood crush!"

"yeah! you re-"

betel's face goes flush as he begins sulking.

"let's just go, okay draco?"

"hehehe! you're the boss, boss!"

with a great jump, the small dragon suddenly morphs into a very big dragon, large enough for betel to perch on their back.

one, two, three wingbeats, and they were off to night raven college like a pink winged comet.

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crowley sneezed.

"...why do i get a feeling my precious budget is crying?"