#management has sort of turned up to apologise in our dms

[ladoddsy]

after more than two years of dangling a promotion in front of the analysts on my team they promoted the guy who has been here the least amount of time the rest of the team is distinctly unhappy with this move and i think this might actually kill the company with how it looks like all the other anlaysts are expecting significant compensation increases to accept this, while also planning to leave

[nagito-kissmaeda]

Nagito Komaeda x Reader - Proposal

I needed some things to write! So i approached some folks for suggestions and the lovely @legendarytreasurerhighway​ asked for some fluffy domestic stuff, so here is what i came up with! 

Read on AO3 ミ☆ Please send me a DM or an ask if you’d like me to write something for you!

Your boyfriend is planning something. Whenever he is organising a special date for the two of you, or trying to hide a gift in the house somewhere, his luck always starts going haywire, and this is the worst it's ever been.

“Are you sure you're okay, Nagito?” You ask, you're in the middle of cleaning a mixture of blood and milk from his face. It’s all swirled together into a pale pink as it drips down his cheek.

He laughs, waving your concern away with a hand, “I’m fine! And you're doing such a wonderful job taking care of me, so I feel even better!”

You smile softly at him, wiping the last bit of milk from his chin, “You didn't get any shards stuck in your face did you?”

“Not at all!” 

It’s good that he has mellowed out a little, a few years ago the shattered milk jug would have resulted in an hour spent talking him back down from a self deprecating spiral. You knew what you were getting into when you asked him out, you knew that it would be hard work, but you have never been happier than you are with him. Your eyebrows pull tight as you trace the angry red cut on his cheekbone. It must have taken some seriously bad luck for a small mishap with a milk jug to result in such a deep cut. Luck this bad, means he got lucky somewhere else. 

Very lucky if the accident he had with the vacuum the night before is anything to go by.

“Thank you so much for taking the time to look after me, love.” Komaeda breathes, his eyes aglow with happiness, “I know it must feel like a waste of time to clean up after-” he stiffens and shakes his head a little, “-Sorry. Thank you.”

You cup his cheek in your hand, “You don't need to apologise. You're allowed to slip up every now and again.” You press a kiss to his forehead, “I love looking after you, Nagito. I love any time I get to spend with you.”

“Do you want to go out tonight?” 

“Oh.” You say, suddenly a little jittery. You didn't realise that whatever big thing he was planning would happen tonight, “Sure! Do you just want to go to the Italian place we like, or do you have something else planned?”

He definitely has something else planned. You heard him on the phone yesterday afternoon, talking animatedly to someone on the other end. From what you could hear, there was a stroke of luck (the cause of that is quite obvious) and whatever he was waiting on had been made available early. Maybe the luck he experienced there resulted in the bad luck of you overhearing. Either way, you aren't going to tell him that you know he is up to something.

“I have a few more things i need to do around the house today, but i was thinking we could try somewhere new.” He slips a hair tie from his wrist and starts gathering his mess of white hair into a bun, “I’ll look some places up online and let you know what i find, okay?”

This is suspicious, but you are too busy watching his long fingers contending with his hair. It’s been years and yet his hands have never stopped being mesmerising, “Sure. That sounds good.” 

He beams at you, “I’m glad. I’ve got a few things to pick up from the store so I’ll head off for now, do you need anything?”

You shake your head, “No, I’m okay. Just don’t be too long or I'll miss you.”

“Hah, we couldn't have that could we?” He stands up from his chair and wraps an arm around your shoulders before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head, “I’ll be back soon.”

*

You can see his hands shaking on the steering wheel. The sun has almost completely set outside the car and the moon is out in full, he doesn't usually drive. Something is definitely suspicious. After a day of him cleaning up around the house and you pouring over some work on your laptop, he told you that he finally picked somewhere to go eat, and that he would drive. He claimed that it was “kind of hard to find”, but you suspect he just didn't want you to punch the address into your GPS and ruin the surprise. Still, he usually hated driving. 

“We’re almost there.” He says, eyes flitting over to you and then back to the road. 

He’s wearing a pair of brown slacks and a green button-up that you bought him for his last birthday and his hair is in a tidy half ponytail, though a lot of it has still escaped at the front and is hanging in his eyes. He looks nice, really nice. 

“Are you sure you don't want me to drive, Nagito?” You can see a bead of sweat running down his forehead, but you can't tell if he is nervous about driving or something else, “You can give me directions.”

He shakes his head, “I’m okay, It’s just up here.” 

You are taken aback when he rounds the corner, and instead of seeing what you were assuming would be a restaurant, the car pulls up at a grassy lookout point. Nagito pulls the keys from the ignition and lets out a sigh of relief, glad that there weren't any luck related incidents on the way over. The sound of the ocean pricks your ears up and you open your door. It’s windy outside, but the summer air is still warm. The smell of the salt hits you and you close your eyes, breathing in the fresh air.

You hear the sound of Nagito closing his door and turn to look at him, he looks ethereal in the moonlight, the pale light is dancing in his eyes. Your heart flutters, “So, no dinner?”

He laughs, “Yes, dinner. Come with me.” he takes your hand in his and starts leading you further down the lookout point, the grass is a little uneven but he is very careful in guiding you, “Are you cold?”

“No, the breeze is nice actually. I’m fine.” You smirk at him, “Looks like we had some good luck with the weather.”

It’s dark, but you can still see him turn a little pink. You don't have much time to indulge in his embarrassed expression though, because when he leads you through a small thicket of trees and bushes, you gasp and cover your mouth with a hand when you see exactly what he had been working on.

“Nagito…” You whisper, “You did all this?”

There’s a large red picnic rug laid out on the grass, surrounded by empty bottles filled with candles or flowers. To the right of it you can see a picnic basket and to the left, a bottle of wine in an ice bucket with two glasses standing beside it. When did he have time to set this up? You were working almost all day, he must have been driving all the way up here on his own to get everything ready. 

But this still doesn't explain the phone call, the picnic set up is elaborate, but clearly still organised by Nagito himself. You wonder what other surprises he has waiting for you.

“Is it okay? I know you don’t really like big fancy restaurants so i thought something more personal might be better…” He trails off into a nervous laugh.

“No, it’s wonderful! I just-” You look up at him, the moonlight catches in his hair, “-is there some sort of occasion or?”

He smiles, “Not at all! You’ve just been working very hard this past week and i thought it might be nice for us to have a real date.” he pauses, “not that i don't love our staple italian restaurant.”

You giggle, “This is much nicer than the italian restaurant. Thank you.”

He takes your hand again and starts leading you down to the picnic rug. You carefully toe off your shoes and curl your feet under yourself as you sit down. He managed to find the perfect spot to set up, you can see almost the whole coastline, the waves going out and coming in, a few boats dotting the horizon and the stars. They’re the most amazing part. 

You don't notice as you stare up at the sky, that Nagito only has eyes for you. He watches the gentle way you smile at the stars, and the way they dance in your eyes. He is fingering something in his right pocket, you definitely don't notice. 

There’s a fizz, then a pop and the sky lights up with an explosion of red and yellow fireworks.

You gasp, looking up at the sky before turning to Nagito, “Did you do that?” 

He is looking nervous, “I didn’t plan for it. No.” He sighs, disappointed, “I was hoping to save my luck for this next part…” 

His hands are shaking as he slowly reaches into his pocket, his eyes never leaving yours. He swallows, “You are...wonderful. I- uh, I mean, you know that I can sometimes be, hm…” his eyes turn from you as he fishes around for a word that isn't too negative. He eventually settles on, “complicated…”

You smile gently, “So can I. Remember when i couldn't put together my new desk chair so i cried on the floor for over an hour?”

“That was cute!” He says almost sternly, “I like when you get worried about things like desk chairs, or sad snails or, well, i guess me. You care about things a great deal and the fact that extends to someone like myself is just…” he takes a deep breath, “I am honoured every moment I get to spend with you, truly.” 

You feel your heart do a somersault in your chest, as the reality of what is happening starts setting in, “Nagito…” you breathe, covering your mouth with a hand. 

He smiles, “Ah. You’ve figured it out. I know you heard me on the phone yesterday afternoon, well they uh...they called to tell me that this was ready early.”

His hands are shaking when he pulls a ring out from his pocket. You start crying, you can't help it, “You thought you needed luck for this?” you whisper, “Nagito...you could have proposed to me at the kitchen table, or in the garage, or on the couch. The answer is always going to be yes.”

He laughs breathily, smiling wider than you’ve ever seen, “I haven't even asked yet.”

“You don't need to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He is crying now too, he brings an arm up to wipe his eyes on the back of his hand, “Do i...just put this on you, then?”

You can't stop smiling when you hold out your shaking left hand, “Yes! Please.”

When he slips the ring on your finger, his hands are trembling so much that it looks like he might drop it, but he doesn't, it slides on like it was always meant to be there. Like you were always meant to marry him. You cup his tear streaked face in your hand and kiss him with as much gusto as you can muster, your heart soaring with love of him, and then. It starts to rain. 

You’re laughing now, holding his face in your hands as the sky opens up above you. All of the food and the picnic blanket is drenched in moments. You’re cold and shivering but you’re happier than ever, “I guess your luck ran out, huh?”

He’s still smiling when he shakes his head, leaning in to press his lips to your cold cheek, “No. I’ve never been luckier.”

[taiblogcomics]

Just Deserts

Hey there, taunts to your editor. Well, I'm almost out of regular issues of My Little Pony. "So soon?" you ask. Yeah, that's how these things go. But we're not quite done visiting Equestria this month! We'll see more ponies, don't you worry. it just won't be this current storyline, which isn't finished yet. And speaking of this current storyline...

Here's the cover:

No, Tempest. From your perspective, maybe there's singing. But to us readers, there's only lyrics. It's poems at best. We can't hear the music, there's no known meter or rhythm, no included CD or link to an MP3. There aren't even guitar tabs. As has been pointed out many times, music in comics just doesn't work. In fact, when we get to it, I will probably skim over it at most. More importantly, though, here's a good look at our other cast members, for those only reading these blog entries. Dust Devil's the brown and grey one way on the end, then Crystal is the purple-haired kelpie next. Following her is Cactus Rose, and Medley Brook is the splashy-looking blue kelpie. Marini still has yet to make a cover debut, though.

So last time, it was revealed that Zecora has been seeking her own magic since youth, and her devotion to it kind of ruined her potential friendships. Meanwhile in the present, a grootslang (which is a real monster, I found it in my Pathfinder Bestiaries) has been wreaking havoc all over the Farasi Coast, so both Applejack's and Marini's groups are headed into a perilous desert to check it out. Thankfully it's not a perilous dessert, or they'd regret not having Pinkie Pie with them.

Anyway, we begin with a flashback showing Zecora and her friends being huge nerds and LARPing. Zecora's the DM, and the rest are a thief, mage, druid, barbarian, and knight (based on the order I mentioned them on the cover). Unfortunately, the group can't agree on a course of action and descends into in-fighting. This is related to the present predicament because they were arguing about a desert, and it's a good thing it was just a pretend desert because they'd never get through a real one. So anyway, they're now trekking through a for-reals desert. Ah, irony. It might be even a stronger force than friendship~

Turns out both Marini and Zecora are thinking about the same incident. The pair of them end up apologising to each other, repairing their friendship slightly. The group quickly comes across a gorge, which Applejack didn't have a plan to cross. Cactus Rose decides to step up, becoming relevant to the comic for the first time. Turns out her specific abada magic is being able to talk to plants. This is kind of an underwhelming power, and it figures why she hasn't factored into the comic much until now. Anyway, Henry Crabgrass here tells her that there's a bridge further up the gorge. This seems like a problem that could've solved itself~

After some delightful banter between Crystal and Tempest Shadow, the trek continues northward towards this rumoured bridge. And while they do find the bridge, there's a roc blocking it. No, not a stone, but a giant bird. Tempest offers to use her magic to blow the roc up (Crystal encourages this), but Dust Devil steps in. Their friendly demeanor gets through, and the roc explains that she got trapped in this valley while looking for food. There's not enough headwind to get airborne, so she's pretty much been blocking the bridge out of spite. You know, I can respect that.

So Dust Devil takes off like they're the Flash and begins creating a super-speed funnel to generate lift. This does manage to get the roc airborne, but Dust Devil is not actually the Flash and does not have a Speed Force to compensate. So their attempt to stop afterwards causes them to stumble and go flying. Crystal leaps into action and uses her ice magic to create a big slide to catch Dust Devil and crash them safely into a pile of snow. Just because she's a bitter, wretched sort of kelpie doesn't mean she doesn't care about her friends, you know.

Once again, the trek continues, but suddenly Crystal collapses. She used more ice than she should have, and now she's all dried out and gross-looking. Kelpies need a water source (even an internal one) or they quickly expire. Out in a desert, though, there's not much to go on. Cactus Rose talks to some nearby cacti, and they're willing to share their water in exchange for a song. It's so very boring out in the desert, after all. Medley Brook leaps on the chance, and the promised musical sequence begins. It goes on for several pages~

The song has a dual purpose: in addition to encouraging the cacti to refuel Crystal, it also lets Zecora and Marini work through their issues. Even Crystal apologises for her bullying. So now that everything's nice again, it's time to shake things up. The grootslang suddenly leaps out of a sand dune, and the ponies scatter.

Spotting the temple they were seeking, most of them head towards that. While they're in there, Tempest and Rockhoof volunteer to stay behind and distract the grootslang long enough for the rest to find out what they need to know. Inside the temple, though, everypony's very shocked to discover... the Tree of Harmony?? And also, the end of the comic!

That’s all the story I have for you right now, but allow me to make a prediction. It’s pretty evident where this is going, isn’t it? Like, if you actually read the issue, Zecora comments on Marini’s honesty, Tempest notes loyalty as one of Crystal’s traits... Dust Devil (who is apparently non-binary and has been using they/them pronouns the whole issue) displays kindness towards the roc, while Cactus Rose generously offers a song to the cacti. And it’s Medley Brook, the silliest one, who leads the song. Hmm, those traits seem familiar, don’t they~? Just mull that thought over for a bit until we get the next issue~

Meanwhile, as for our next issue, we’re not done with magical talking horses... or their adventures with giant transforming robots~

[inkydoc]

DnD adventures with training wheels - a small summary for myself

okay so I played DnD for the first time with two friends as players and me as the DM. They have never played a tabletop rpg before and this was my first time DM-ing so we all went into it with more questions than answers but we still had a tremendous amount of fun, I’m very happy :D also it was a good learning experience and I think I wanna collect stuff I learnt along the way :3

I like to say that m.a.g.u.s. is just dnd but Hungarian because it gives people a general reference but like... the whole thing plays so differently,  I actually can’t describe it properly :”D my friend said dnd kinda feels like playing Skyrim with all the quests and NPC-s and whatever and I guess she’s right? maybe it’s the way we play m.a.g.u.s. that makes it feel different, idk :D (and it’s not because we were playing Icespire Peak either, we played a pre-written adventure for m.a.g.u.s. too and yea, that was vastly different)

I can safely say tho that calculating long-range combat is just soooo much easier in dnd, holy crap

okay scratch that calculating in general is easier, but it also feels more deadly :D

(calculating levels seems a daunting task tho, one that we have yet to do XD)

it’s ever so interesting to see the different approach people take to roleplaying. Gotta love how awkward we made the first time the characters met each other, it was perfect, but I kinda feel like it was because we were awkward too. It’s okay though, it got a lot better as things went along :D but it looks like I need to set some rules about what the characters know/say and what the players know/say, sometimes it was hard to know what was said in character and what wasn’t.

I think my friends had a lot more fun exploring the various places and fighting monsters than roleplaying so I will have to shift the focus on those elements of the game, but still retain the parts where they need to talk to people to progress so it’s not just dungeon after dungeon. It was fun to see them turn the session into a low-budget Skyrim playthrough tho :D

I need to work on my roleplaying and improvising skills. A lot. I am not the best roleplayer and I am definitely not the best at quick snappy answers to shit people say so it was at times difficult for me to play all the NPC-s, but I think I managed.

on that note we tried the thing where I had a character too and it was hard :”D I think it worked, but often she was just standing in the background while the others talked to NPC-s and I feel like it won’t work in the long run... but we will see :D

five minutes in as I was describing the general surroundings my friends decided that they want an elephant so now for no better reason than I found it hilarious there is a scheduled elephant taking people to and fro between Neverwinter and Leilon. this kind of set the entire tone of the session and all my anxieties about bringing a boring game and disappointing everyone sort of vanished, or at least retreated into a deeper part of my mind.

I do need to get over the fact that other people are in fact flirty sometimes, but I had some NPC-s flirt back and somehow it did work out! it still needs work tho...

licking walls is now a perfectly legit way of finding secret doors. effective too! but I draw the line at licking corpses, it has a much higher chance of infection and disturbing the dead is not a nice thing to do.

I don’t know if chaotic evil player characters exist? I mean they probably do but am I ready to deal with one right off the bat? one of my friends decided to have a tiefling that is straight up a bastard, they’re constantly stealing stuff, they jump very quickly into any kind of fighting situation and they almost talked the other party member into grave-robbery so yea, that doesn’t seem to be fitting for a neutral character :”D it is fun to watch tho XD

on that note my other friend played her chaotic good ranger in a very chaotic bastard way so she is neutral from now on. I don’t think that’s a problem tho, I love these two gremlins but I can just see the murder-hobo aspect slowly looming over us and that I don’t like :”D

I kinda can’t believe orcs only have 15 hp. it seems a little low considering how a mimic has over 50...

I need to do more research on running encounters. somehow we managed not to have our characters killed but I need to know my shit better if I want to make fights run smoother :”D

dndbeyond is a moneyhungry bitch... it was fine for first level characters, we somehow managed with having the characters’ backgrounds on a piece of paper but then it just doesn’t have the stuff we want on further levels so I think I’ll just have to let it go. it would be so very convenient but I can’t ask all my friends to shell out 30 bucks each for a digital copy of a book that I own and can share, not in this economy at least :D (not to mention the countless pirated copies that I’m pretty sure wizards of the coast knows about but I guess they make enough money so yea.)

anyways that’s it for now I think? overall it was very fun and I did prove to myself that I can indeed do the thing where I am the DM :D

here have a drawing of my daughter, Ashera :3 I drew a violin (another first for me) and it turned out alright! also I’d like to apologise to the entire Witcher fandom, I saw an opportunity and ran with it XD

[fuck-customers]

This is quite long so I apologise.

For the last 2 months everyone's pay at our store has been fucked up. The other day me, a couple of co workers and 2 of our supervisors were talking about it in the staff room and I (for some goddamn reason) showed them my payslip to show that it seemed to be okay, but my supervisors were confused as to why I was getting paid more than one of them.

A couple of days later the deputy (and acting) manager called me into the office to see my payslip and after he saw that everything was fine he said that one of supervisors had lied and said that I got paid over £500 more than I did and complained about the fact that I was doing over 40 hours and as my DM pointed out, it's because I'm the ONLY cashier who is able to stay until 8pm so I am needed most days. If they don't want me doing so many hours then WHY DON'T THEY HIRE ANOTHER CASHIER WHO CAN STAY LATE SO WE CAN SPILT THE HOURS. As my DM pointed out, if they were in charge of the rota they would probably give me 12 hours (everyone except managment is on a 4 hour contract), not staying late and then be confused as to why there's no cashier for closing. And honestly, I kinda want them to just so they can see how fucking stupid they are. My DM said to to just ignore them and that it's none of their business how much I get paid but like, wtf?

I've always hated both those supervisors because they do the bare minimum on the shop floor putting out stock, when the DM goes home they fuck off out back and don't help on the shop floor, they are always taking their break together even though there's only 1 other supervisor and when we close they takes ages cashing up (sometimes not finishing before we're supposed to leave) and then complain when the store isn't faced up properly. The worst thing was a couple of weeks ago when a higher up was turning up the next day and everything had to look perfect and when they finished cashing up they came out and complained about the facing up not being done properly and how we had to stay longer to sort it out saying they didn't have time to help because they were cashing up and one of them said she was going to tell the higher up "everything" whatever the fuck that meant, but the real kicker is, my next day back was 2 days later, and they both treated me like nothing had happened. I really hope they get fired sometime soon or leave or I find a new job because I can't deal with them anymore.

TL;DR: supervisors complain about my pay/hours even though I do more than them, they don't help out and complain that nothing is done right.

[dullgecko]

Went to DND yesterday, accidentally ‘friendship is magic’d’ our way through the whole campaign.

Me (cleric), a good-aligned werewolf (noone knew this), an elf and a half-orc meet up at a tavern and take a job to clear some hags out of a nearby town they’ve taken over. Through asking we find out that they have a bunch of werewolf mind-slaves under their control as well, the people who contracted us kinda dont want us to kill the werewolves if we can help it but if we have to to survive they’re sad but okay with it.

Barmaid is an ex-adventurer, and is flirting HEAVILY with my cleric lady (who is oblivious) and gives me a scroll that can be used to sent magical reply-paid messages to whoever i want. I tell my temple that hey there is a weird thing happening with some werewolves and hags over here, so if i disappear come and sort it out (also check this contract i signed in case we need to get some lawyers involved). Get an immediate response that they’ll send a group of people out immediately since it’ll take about 2 weeks to get out here. (The goddess i worship is Selune, so we help good-aligned werewolves and hunt down bad ones but the DM doesnt know this)

ANYWAY, they give us a cart and tell us they’ll give us 1000 gold per hag-head we return with. They also silver all our weapons/arrows just in case.

Halfway there we’re ambushed by a ‘bandit’ who demands we get out of the cart so he can rob it. We just go ‘ok’ and hop out, because all that is in the cart is canvas bags for carrying hag heads. Our werewolf ranger also points out there’s about 4 undead hiding in the forest as well (our elf is already skulking around in the trees since the cart ride was too bumpy and uncomfortable). The bandit is kinda weird, and apologising the entire time for ‘robbing’ us so we ask him why. Turns out he was a hunter from the town that got taken over by hags, but escaped before he was mind-controlled. We ask if he’s a werewolf too, because we’ve been sent to rescue them (kinda) and my cleric is from a temple who help good-aligned werewolves. Bandit guys goes ‘oh shit, right, so you’re not gonna kill my friends then? My uncle is part of that temple’ and it turns out he’s in charge of the group they’ve sent out in case shit goes south for me. We convince him to come with us, so he calls his skeleton bros out of the forest (and our idiot elf accidentally shoots and kills one. Makes the dude real sad but we give it a nice funeral and move on).

Gary the bandit/hunter and his skeletons gary, gary and steven show us to a hill near the town so we can scope it out before going in. Lots of patrols, but we can see the witches doddering around in a huge tower in the centre of town.

Gary shows us how to get into the tower and we sneak past the werewolf guards. We all manage to resist a trap that would have mind controlled us and sneak up to the first floor, were we find a hag sitting in an armchair with her back to the door. She ends up porcupined by arrows before she even realises we’re there, and we steal her flesh-bag (a thing that steals souls) and set her up to look likes she’s sleeping before heading up further. Next room has 2 hags, one gets soul-sucked and the other gets the same arrow treatment as the first. We steal the first ones knitting, turns out it’s a shawl that grands +10 sneak (and is also fluffy warm).

Next room up, there’s a night hag. My temple hates them, so she gets 1 arrow to the neck then sacred-flamed to ash. We steal her hearing aid and a small silver gryphon totem. Once activated, it would grow into a gryphon about the size of a horse but it takes 10mins to activate. I pocket it and we move up. Next room has another night hag, i sneak in and hide behind her chair but our elf fucks up by killing her imp with a stolen knitting needle. She turns around... and immediately gets sacred flame sneak attacked and another arrow to the chest. We go up to the last floor, there’s a heavy door that’s locked in the way and we dont know where in this room the last 2 hags are. There’s a small gap under the door though... i roll the gryphon totem under and activate it. There’s a huge explosion, apparently the floor just beyond the door was trapped. The hags had alarmed the door to alert them if anyone tried to pick the lock so they could fly off the balcony. DM sighs, he had expected at least one of us to almost die from the explosion which would have started the ‘final boss’ but we accidentally circumvented it. Gryphon is fine though, apparently it has resistance to explosions since it’s magic or something. We walk up, get the skeleton boyband to remove the hags heads and collect the rest that we left downstairs and we send a message to the group my temple set out basically going ‘lol, nevermind, we saved the werewolves. also  your nephew says hi?’. We chucked the heads into our cart and drove off to get our rewards while the now-free werewolves in the town wonder wtf just happened. Gary the ex-bandit werewolf contemplates joining the church.

[thetradeway]

Session 42 22 May 2021: “He was pretty desiccated when I found him.“

I’m late! I still manage not to miss anything. Ed is away so Matthew takes Gideon for him.

In our downtime, Ahleqs has a massive migraine and when he recovers, he knows some different spells. (Duncan mis-read some of his sorcerer abilities, and swaps a few things around.) Gideon makes his excuses and disappears to the tower of the Order, he has some business to attend to. Kessler goes back to her lab for some tinkering. Not in her parents basement. They’re dead. (Batman meme, but I'm only allowed 10 images per post.)

Duncan: "Have you ever told any of us where you live?"

Mina: "Nope."

Brother Charity spends his time in the Dagger ‘doodling around’ in his room, ordering room service; Tarragon gets drunk with Renah.

Ahleqs rides around the city on his mouse cart: “Simon, let us take the air.” He buys some potions. He also wants to inquire about having things enchanted. Tarragon goes with him to get him a discount on potions from the shop where she works; she is very drunk and warns him to set aside some of his money for the cleaning bill on the mouse cart.

Did he have a particular enchantment in mind? Yes, he wants a large travelling chest enchanted so it can walk along behind him. The DM will get back to him on that. (Somewhere, Rincewind is delighted.)

While we’re all milling around, Gideon returns looking pleased with himself. In the morning Tarragon is not hung over, but she deserves to be. Melaina is the first one up. She is having breakfast in the taproom when she is approached by a scruffy urchin. Is she a friend of Gunna? (We all gasp, OOC.)

"Uh… Yeah."

Surge sent the urchin to get us, we are to go to the Docks ward. Something about a court...? (I think, I may have misheard that.)

Jirr calls the kid to the bar and gives him some bread; Melaina tosses him a gold coin. He looks like all his Christmases have come at once.

We meet up with Kessler and head down to the docks. Surge greets us, and leads us away from the normal areas of the Docks Ward to the wharf. It starts to rain; by the time we arrive on the wharf it’s pouring. Surge says he has got us passage on a ship.

Ahleqs, with a wistful sigh: "Remember when we had a boat?"

Charity, rolling his eyes: "This again."

Ahleqs, to Charity: "Have you got a boat?"

BC: "My father had a fleet of them."

Melaina: "Have you ever been keelhauled?"

Surge introduces us to Captain Beckett. He shakes our hands. He hears we’re looking for passage on a ship?

Yes, we want to go to Candlekeep. We’re looking for a book to help Tarragon’s sister maybe, as well as looking for information on the shadow weave - we’re meeting Mr. Pickles there.

It’ll be eight days, and Beckett can get us most of the way there. He can get us passage on a skiff or rake to take us the rest of the way. (Someone’s been researching nautical terms.) The rest of the journey will take about a day and a half. He hears we all have skills that could help? He looks at Charity first. He's a healer? The quartermaster on Beckett’s ship is acting as a medic, and would be glad to get back to his own duties.

Charity: "I dabble."

Beckett hands Ahleqs a scroll with the layout of the ship on it. The surgeon’s quarters are in the lower gun deck.

What can Ahleqs do? He casts British Gas Thumb. Beckett will put him with Sparks, the ship’s mage, in the forecastle.

The rest of us are in cabins. Nice!

Melaina has good eyes, and is OK with heights. She will report to Aegea, his second in command. He will put Tarragon with the healer as well and also in the kitchen, as she can cook. Is Popcorn tame?

Tarragon, looking extremely uncertain: "… Yeeeeees…?"

What are Kessler’s skills? We could use her as a weight when fishing for sharks. She can also punch the shark. She ignores us and tells Beckett she can repair broken things, or modify equipment? Sounds good. Beckett looks to Gideon. You’re a dwarf, you have some skills with smithing, if we put you with the artificer -

All of us, immediately: "NO!"

Beckett leads us on to the ship, the Fallen Star. It’s enormous, and beautiful.

Tarragon waves goodbye to Surge.

Melaina is introduces to First Mate Aegea.

Gideon and Kessler are introduced to the Bosun, Girton.

Gideon says something to him in dwarfish, both look at Kessler and chuckle. Ahleqs is introduced to the ship’s mage, a young girl named Sparks.

Ahleqs: "That’s a good owl. I have got a mouse though, so… "

He resolves to keep Simon in his pocket.

The quartermaster-slash-part-time-healer, Buckla, is drunk and very jovial. He claps Charity on the back and welcomes him aboard.

Charity, disdainfully: "Have you disinfected the surgery?"

Buckla: "Yeah yeah, whatever. Come and have a drink!"

Tarragon is introduced to Lorifi, or Lolo, the ship’s cook, an older gnome woman.

Tarragon wants to know where she got her meat cleaver. "Hello dearie, welcome aboard." They immediately set about the cooking sherry.

We set sail!

At night the crew set up on the deck under the stars; the skies are clear out here and very beautiful.

The Quartermaster and Aegea used to be in a travelling circus (I think?) and they do some entertaining of an evening.

First morning at sea goes mostly without incident. It’s a beautiful clear day - until we hear a noise. All except Charity, who is on one of the lower decks in the surgery. We hear haunting singing. (Uh oh.)

Ahleqs is with Sparks, who has been directing wind into the sails. She looks concerned at the singing. Melaina makes a Perception check - a 16. (Ahleqs has been asking Sparks if she sometimes accidentally sets her friends on fire too and if so, how she goes about apologising.)

Melaina sees what Joe has labelled “Mermaid??” (That’s no mermaid.) There are two over on a sandbar.

Those on deck make Charisma saving throws. Us below deck can hear the singing, but don’t have to make saves yet. Ahleqs and Sparks both save. Sparks screams for us all to get below decks. Some of the sailors walk to the edge and drop over the side of the ship. Ahleqs starts to head below deck, until he remembers that this is probably the sort of situation he’s being employed here to handle.

Ahleqs asks Sparks if this happens a lot; she looks at him with terror in her eyes. He goes first in the order; he goes to the edge of the ship where the sailors stepped off, and looks out to see if he can see what drew them. He casts Open Character Sheet. He sees the ‘mermaids’ and the sailors, splashing about in the water and trying to swim towards the sandbar. He casts Eldritch Blast on the ‘mermaids’. (Thanks to his migraine he can now double the effectiveness of a spell which gives him 240 feet on EB.) He does 23 damage and shouts, “Let that be a lesson to you!”

From below the water, the ‘mermaids’ sprout wings and take to the sky. (Harpies? Sirens? Can sirens fly? Do harpies have fish tails?)

Out of the sea behind Melaina bursts another creature, which flies toward her. Does 18 hit her? Melaina is AFK so Matthew checks - it does. She takes 11 bludgeoning and is Grappled when the creature’s tail wraps around her and lifts her into the air and out over the water.

(Matthew informs Sophie, who is just returning, what has happened. M, OOC: “Did you ask ‘why’? I think the simple answer is ‘Joe’.”)

Melaina makes her CHA save on her turn; she can now make an attempt to free herself, but if she succeeds she will fall into the ocean. She tries anyway, choosing DEX over STR as she’s 'better at wriggling than wrestling'. (There's a dirty joke at this point which I miss, though I suspect I would omit it here anyway.) A 16 frees her; she drops into the water but takes no damage from the fall. (Sophie, unsure what to do: “Mialee would know how to solve this.”) Is there anything at sea level she can grab onto?

If she goes around the side of the ship there are ropes she can climb. Can she try to hide from the creature? Put a jellyfish on her head or something? Yes, she can make a stealth check at disadvantage, and rolls two 27s, which is, according to the DM, ‘just as well’.

Does Charity know what’s going on? He’s below deck and has been reading Carl stories with his feet up and drinking a cup of nice hot coffee. (We all hear the thundering of feet as the sailors retreat below deck, so those of us already there know something is happening.)

Charity rolls his eyes and puts down his book. He goes to the door and shouts “What’s going on?” (Matthew is briefly unsure where the door is, and finds himself shouting into a wall.) “Carl, with me.” He leaves the surgery and makes his way up.

Kessler makes her way on deck as well. What can she see from the poop deck? (Matthew OOC: "Poop deck, hee hee hee!") (Well, someone had to.) Kessler can't see the one harassing Melaina, but she can see the one still on the sandbank. What’s the range on her crossbow? 120 feet, but she’s at disadvantage beyond 80. She holds an action.

Sparks jumps over the railing (Just off the poop deck, not into the sea!) and runs toward the front of the ship. Joe shows Melaina and Ahleqs something - Melaina saw it earlier and Ahleqs sees it now. (Ahleqs casts Mage Armour.) It’s a shark! (I am the only one excited by this.)

The water turns red and there is flailing and screaming around one of the sailors. Ahleqs starts screaming too. With a good Nature check, he knows that these sharks shouldn’t be so close to shore; they are usually found in much deeper water. Sparks sees what happened and screams as one of her crew mates is ripped apart by the shark, calls it eight kinds of bastard, and shoots at it with her shortbow.

Popcorn rushes up on deck and all he can see is the tail of the shark; assuming that it must be the main threat, he stands on his back legs and beats his chest with his paws, and tries to intimidate the shark into attacking him, completely unaware that this cannot possibly work. It’s the cutest thing anyone on the deck has ever seen.

Gideon tries to persuade the bosun to go on deck and help; it fails so he goes by himself. (But, not to be outdone by a fellow dwarf, Girton reluctantly follows anyway.) Gideon sees one of the flying creatures; “What is this vile harridan??” He has a good look at what’s going on, and casts Aganazzar’s Scorcher. One of the flying harridans makes a DEX save, and passes with ease. It takes half damage, which is 8, fire. It doesn’t seem to do as much as he had hoped. Shit! He’d been hoping it would poach it.

Another creature springs out of the water and flies at Kessler. She shoots at it with her held action, but misses thanks to its seashell bikini. It swoops toward her and does a multiattack - it misses with its claws and its tail.

Tarragon joins Popcorn on deck; if she can see what he's looking at, would the DM say that she has now seen a shark? Yes, but what's the max challenge rating beast I can become? (I look it up and will let him know.) (I can only be a beast of CR1 or below and this shark is CR2 so she can’t be one yet, but she has now seen one.)

Does 17 hit Gideon? It does, and the siren grapples and kisses him with its Draining Kiss attack. He rolls a nat 20 for his save, but his HP max is reduced by 5. Ahleqs can see him; he’s looking a bit green around the gills.

Another siren bursts out of the sea (Duncan OOC: "That’s too many! This is beyond a joke now!") and looks at Kessler and does a Charm attack on her. She fails and is smitten with the thing, believing it to be her one true love. (There’s a lot of that going around.) It beckons to her. Her armour is not is swimming mode, so she could be in trouble here. Is there a big button that controls the spring under her seat?

Brother Carl looks at Aardvack, waiting for instructions. He goes up the stairs; can he see anything? He has a cursory glance around. He can see one of the sirens if he looks under the sail. He holds an action, as he has no ranged weapons.

One of the sirens dashes and says to Aardvack telepathically, “You’re going to drown.”

Ahleqs spins around to find himself face to face with two sirens, one of which is dangling Gideon from its tail. He really, really wants to cast Mage Armour, but instead he bravely cowers and casts Shatter. It fails its save and takes 21 points of Thunder damage, to which it is not resistant. He uses his movement to get out of range of being immediately grabbed.

Another siren flies over Melaina’s head, but she is hidden. Another goes to Brother Charity and does its Charm attack; he makes an WIS save. “Come and swim with me.”

Melaina uses Cunning Action to Dash and get back on board; is there anything she can hide behind to shoot these bitches? She can duck into the shadow of the mast, but she’s used her bonus action to dash. She takes a shot at one of them anyway.

(Joe tells us that rogues can use their bonus action to give themselves advantage without hiding. Duncan, OOC: "Oh so rogues can do that, but can Ahleqs steer a spell around his friends? NooooOOOooooo…")

Melaina gets a natty 20. A hit? (DM: “I’d say.”) Pierced ear: Max damage, and roll the damage die again. There is some complicated maths and some squabbling, and it’s decided that she does 43 damage. The siren shimmers, and its form changes. Woah!

Charity is up. He feels like it would be a lovely thing to pop up over the side and go and have a swim with his one true love, but he holds up a finger: “Darling, one moment.” He turns to the one who told him he was going to drown and says “I’m not going to drown, do you have any idea who I am you hideous fishwife?” and Hexes her, then Eldritch Blasts the bitch with a dirty 20 and a nat 1. 15 damage though, not bad. The one he hits also shimmers and transforms. He makes his way to the highest point on the deck and prepares to jump into the sea. Does he have enough movement to get over the rail?

He bounds over, and makes a Concentration check for his Hex as he hits the water, which he passes. (He doesn’t know about the shark. Yet.)

Kessler makes an attack on one of them as she makes her way toward the railing as well. 21 hits and she does 11 piercing and pumps Fury of the Small into it as well for another 7 points. She takes another shot - a 15 hits, for 10 more damage. It shimmers and transforms. She hits the water and sinks like a stone.

Sparks saw her go overboard - she runs to the edge and casts Water Walk on her. She is willing, as not-sinking will allow her to see her one true love, still floating in the sky above. She bobs to the surface like a cork, and can now walk on the surface of the ocean. Sparks can get a few more people with her spell as well, so she does.

The shark attacks another sailor (who was on top of the water after Sparks’ spell) and munches him in half. The water goes red around it.

Aegea shoots something with her bow.

A siren swoops at Ahleqs and hits with a 22, grappling and dealing 15 bludgeoning damage. He makes a CON save when it does Draining Kiss on him - and fails. He uses Bend Luck, but a d4 isn’t going to help a 9. He takes it back, and loses 10 from his HP max.

Popcorn Dashes to go up to the main deck but can’t reach anything; he sees the siren Kissing Ahleqs, holds up two claws and points at his eyes, then at the siren, then back at his eyes. Next turn, bitch.

Girton throws two hand axes at one of the sirens - both hit. Gideon is up - he can make an attempt to break free if he wants. Instead, he casts Gideon’s Fucking Awesome Shocking Grasp. DM rules that he will hit no matter what he rolls, as missing would be impossible. He does 13 lightning damage, but it doesn’t seem to shock her as much as it should. It laughs.

A siren does a Tail Constrict attack against Sparks - it flies over the edge and drops her. She has Water Walk though, so she floats.

Tarragon can get herself, Brother Charity, Melaina and Carl with her Water Breathing spell, so she does, and then Healing Word for Melaina. (In the heat of the moment she forgets that Carl is dead and doesn’t breathe anything, so he won’t need it.)

Gideon resists the siren’s Draining Kiss, and makes a save against it, saying “I’m old enough to be your great great grandfather!” He takes 10 damage, and his max HP is reduced by 10. The siren drops him, but looks pissed off when he doesn’t sink - he has Water Walk cast on him.

Kessler’s one true love is pissed that she’s not drowning, and rakes at her face - if she takes the damage, she can make another save versus the charm. She debates using reaction-Shield - and decides to do it. The second attack is a nat 20 against her, grappling her.

Carl can’t jump 15 feet in the air, so he can’t reach the nearest siren. Could he run to the edge of the boat and leap at the one harassing Charity? He can make a DEX check, DC12, to try. He rolls a 2 (minus 1 mod) and falls in the water. The creature he was trying to hit flies down to the water, sniffs him and discovers it has no interest in him - so it attacks Charity instead. 16 hits him, for 9 slashing damage. It goes for a grapple, but he wriggles out.

Ahleqs is the least strong of anyone, so he could DEX out or he could Misty Step if he has it? He casts Shatter again; “That’s just how I do.” He wriggles around to face the siren. “Oooh, you look awful and I don’t like it!” Oh wait - this one’s still pretty, so he doesn’t mind as much. He casts it at 3rd level. It makes a DC14 CON save and fails - taking 27 Thunder damage. The beautiful face turns ‘all fishy and angry and gross’. Ahleqs scream goes up by two steps.

This thing Melaina shot on her last turn looks ropey as hell - it dives back below the waves. Charity’s one true love tries to canoodle with Tarragon and misses so claws at her face instead and hits for 9 damage.

Melaina can now shoot at it with advantage, as it’s within melee with Tarragon. 10 misses, however. “Bollocks.” She bonus-action-hides, but rolls a nat 1. For the first time ever she is not hidden - her arms and legs are hanging out the sides.

Charity chastises Carl for jumping in the water; “You can’t even swim properly!” He shouldn’t be in salt water for too long or he’ll desiccate. (“He was pretty desiccated when I found him.")

Charity Dimension Doors himself and Charity back on the deck of the ship. (That’s definitely not a Divine spell.) He is very cross to see his one true love canoodling with his previous one true love, we’re probably swapping stories, and he’s beginning to regret coming up from below deck.

Kessler can make an attempt to free herself if she wants…? She supposes she should. She makes a DEX check and succeeds. There is a large, hungry shark in her vicinity, but she’s on top of the water. That didn’t help that other sailor, though. She has her bonus action and her movement and has obeyed the siren’s orders by going over to it, so she can move freely until it gives another instruction or the Charm ends. She climbs back onto the boat.

Tarragon hears the door slam open and hears a familiar voice. "What the devil is going on here??" Lolo appears and takes a swipe with her soup ladle at one of the creatures; she misses, but it’s still badass.

The shark does Blood Frenzy, which doesn’t sound nice at all. Does 18 hit the Grease Wizard?

Duncan OOC: “He’s wearing a dress, of course it hits him.”

Gideon, indignant: “It’s an acolyte’s robe!”

The shark bites onto him and the water around him starts to turn red. He’s not in a good way.

Aegea shoots the shark again, and hits for 21 damage including 15 sneak attack. (Ooh, a rogue!) Gideon is now out of the shark’s mouth.

The siren grappling Ahleqs is very hurt; it drops him and plops back into the water. Ahleqs pukes as a free action.

Popcorn rushes forward and slashes with his claws at a siren - it hits, and he’s very pleased even though it doesn’t do as much damage as it should.

Girton hurls an axe at the shark and hits twice for 11 damage. The axes, having done their damage, disappear. Gideon watches this happen and makes a Perception check to see which of the remaining sirens is more injured. He’s found himself in a bit of a pickle. Is the shark technically a Large creature? Not Huge? Well, that clinches it. This might not work, but can the shark make a DEX save please, as Gideon casts Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere on it. It got a 20. “Son of a bitch.”

Matthew, OOC: “I can’t let Gideon die on my watch, take Charity instead!” Gideon climbs out of the water - DM rules that the shark doesn’t get an attack of opportunity, as it’s below the water and Gideon is above it.

The siren that Popcorn attacked decides to flee, letting out a shriek to the other creatures. Popcorn makes an attack of opportunity, but misses. (Me: “Aw, balls.”) The siren grapples him, doing 14 damage, and drops him in the sea with the shark. Everyone is rightly horrified. How dare!

(I guess we’re going to find out which would win in a fight between a shark and an owlbear. My money is on the shark.)

Carl wants to hit a siren. So he does, with a dirty 20. He does 9 damage, but it gets advantage on him on its next turn. The thing tries to grab Charity but misses, so it claws him and a 15 hits. He takes 10 slashing damage. (He maintains concentration on his Hex.)

Ahleqs’ stomach is empty, but there are still loads of the sirens about. The ones around him are still beautiful; he saw one of them drop Popcorn in the water. He casts Eldritch Blast on the one nearest Aegea using Tides of Chaos. 16 hits for 3 Force damage, 20 hits for another 3. He rolls on the Table of Joy to see what colour-slash-age he turns - he becomes Invisible for a minute unless he attacks or casts a spell. He also casts Fly on a random creature within 60 feet of himself which is basically everyone at the stern of the boat. (We all want it to be the shark.) Kessler can fly now. She’s actual Iron Man!

Tarragon sees Popcorn in the water and screeches, and casts Moonbeam on the shark. It makes the save but takes half damage - it’s looking ropey.

The siren near Tarragon tries to move and gets 3 attacks of opportunity from Tarragon, Lolo and Carl - only Carl misses. The siren flies up and repeats her song. Tarragon rolls a nat20 versus the Charm - with advantage, as she’s a gnome. Charity is Charmed, and Kessler makes her save so good it breaks her previous Charm effect. Gideon is having the worst ever day, and is Charmed. He must move toward the siren on his turn. He can walk on water, so he can beeline it. Yay!

Melaina shoots at the one clawing Charity with Sharpshooter but misses. Melaina, not sounding in the least bit sorry: “Sorry Charity, I must not have been paying attention.” She protects herself by hiding, nothing if not true to herself.

Charity must move toward the siren that Charmed him - he can bash the one near him as it’s in his way. He casts Shillblblglslgsglhjjljlhhh and deals a smorgasbord of damage. 8 fire/necrotic, and 12 bludgeoning. He pushes past it. “Do you not know who I am?” He leaps off the side of the ship to get to his third one true love. The one he attacked gets an attack of opportunity, doing 11 slashing damage to him as he goes by.

Kessler has two shots and unloads one into the siren that dropped Popcorn. 10 misses. She aims at the shark - 21 hits. Yay! 5 piercing. How de do dis, Yay!! As it rears up to bite Popcorn she shoots a bolt through its face.

(Charity is singing Under the Sea while all this is happening. “There’ll be no accusations, only crustaceans, under the seaaaaaa!”)

Lolo wallops another siren with her ladle - well she tries, but misses and is furious. “Filthy, disgusting - ”

Sparks flips frantically through her spells; they’re all for ship-sailing, really. She blows the siren that dropped Popcorn away from him and out to sea a little way.

Popcorn scrabbles out of the water. He’s wet and cross and doesn’t like anything today and someone took away the shark he was about to eat, so he bites the siren attacking Aegea for 5 damage halved. He’s somewhat mollified by this.

Girton throws his hand axes again, and another siren goes hag. Gideon’s name is called; silence, until Matthew remembers he’s running the Grease Wizard today. He climbs back on board the ship. Oh - wait, no, he’s still Charmed. He plops down onto the water and moves toward his beloved.

Tarragon runs up to flank the siren in melee with Lolo and wallops it at advantage for 3 whole damage, ooooooooo.

A siren flies up and attacks Sparks - but she’s still up, it’s okay, we are reassured. Then it makes a Tail Constrict attack and Sparks goes down. The siren drops her, and she crumples to the deck.

(Is Water Walking a concentration spell? No, it just lasts for an hour. Phew!)

It attempts to flee - Aegea and Popcorn get attacks of opportunity, Popcorn misses but Aegea gets a natty 20 and rolls max sneak damage as well. It’s dead-dead-dead! Carl is up!

Carl’s going to get in trouble for this. As he was scolded for jumping in the water, he throws the only thing available to him - his mace - at the siren in the water with Charity. Whether it hits or not, he won’t have a mace any more. Plus it’ll only do a D4 plus his STR if it does hit. Twelvesies? DM lets him make a standard attack. Fifteensies? That hits, so 1D4+2. Is his mace magic? “Not in the slightest.” He does roll max damage, but it gets halved. But! That’s enough to make it shimmer and transform into its ugly form. Carl flexes. DM says anyone Charmed by its beautiful form is no longer so.

Tarragon and Lolo get attacks of opportunity as the siren between them makes a break for it - Tarragon hits with a 17 for 9 damage but Lolo misses. The siren plunges back into the ocean and is gone.

Ahleqs is a bit cross. (as Kessler zooms through the air we hear AC/DC blasting from her armour.) He casts Shatter once again, at level 4 this time. He becomes visible again as he casts. The siren rolls a 2 for its CON save and takes 30something - how-de-do-dis!

Through his tears and snot he screams "GET AWAY FROM ME BITCH!"

She bursts with a sort of flat wet sound and showers everyone with viscera 'in the usual style'. One creature left. Ahleqs takes a potion as a bonus action. The last remaining siren is the one who squeezed the life out of Sparks.

How far can Melaina shoot with her longbow? Sophie is delighted to find out that not only does her longbow have a phenomenal range, but she is also elevated and has advantage. She makes an attack with Sharpshooter and hits with a 17 for 26 sneak and 12 piercing. How de do dis! It sort of slithers back into the sea, face planting the side of the boat on the way down.

Tarragon looks over the side and sees a load of reef sharks gathering around the dead shark’s body, so she can add 'reef shark' as well as 'hunter shark' to her beast shapes. She runs forward, ignoring Charity floundering in the water (he has Water Breathing so he won’t drown) and casts Cure Wounds on Sparks. Gideon climbs back onto the ship.

The dead sirens are oozing green blood; Kessler pushes them overboard.

Well done everybody, we killed all Joe’s sirens! Those who suffered the Draining Kiss attack will remain at lowered max HP until they take a long rest or someone casts Lesser Restoration on them. We didn’t kill Gideon either, success all around.

[thetradeway]

Session 37: 20 Mar 2021: “I WILL re-skunk, I’m warning you now.”

This is the third attempt to write out this entry on Tumblr; if it doesn’t go well I’ll try again tomorrow.

Mina still isn’t feeling well, but she’s finished the Final Fantasy 7 Remake, and is halfway through the original. Ed messages to say he’ll be a bit late. Mina is very disappointed not to have a dwarf to squabble with, but he might be out bottle-feeding baby lambs so we’ll forgive him.

Matthew is having secret conversations and gets told off for chortling into his phone. He mentions poems, and I immediately groan. Then someone mentions safe words for some reason and it’s all downhill from there.

Batman, it turns out, is a fascist. No, a fetishist, on account of the leather. A furry? He does dress up as a manimal...

So… Shall we play some D&D?

Joe tells us that Roll20 is bringing out a phone app, so we can edit our character sheets on our phones. It’s in beta at the moment. Woohoo! Sophie and Matthew have given Joe Dungeon of the Mad Monk, so he can send us all into dungeons now and get us killed. Yay!

Joe has been rolling things in the chat, and Sophie correctly identifies that a ‘success’ for him is not necessarily a success for us. Gulp.

Right - a flesh ripper, then…? We were to go into a sewer and give it what for. Tally ho, then.

Brother Charity wants a word with Shanks before we go in. He asks if she knows Mirt the Merciless, or Lord Walrus.

Shanks advises against referring to him as Lord Walrus. She knows of him, but isn’t personally acquainted.

Is he a shoot-the-messenger type person, Charity wants to know? Well, he would go out of his way to make life miserable for a person.

Okay, what about a literal messenger?

He operates mostly within the law. He won’t shoot you with a crossbow, but he will make you wish he had.

Charity asks (making sure we’re not in earshot) if Shanks can forge him a document. What manner of document? He asks for a public works order, something that would gain him entry somewhere under false pretences.

It’s not her area, but she probably knows a guy.

He wants to get into somewhere specific: The Silken Sylph. Possibly with a fake work permit, pest control or something. Daytime access for two or three people. Discretion is key.

She says they can sort payment once we return from dealing with the flesh ripper, if we return. We can make perception checks to eavesdrop if we’re feeling nosy; Tarragon doesn’t. She’s just glad of a brief respite from the overwhelming romantic attention.

Ahleqs and Melaina overhear bits of Charity’s conversation - a few key words like “Silken Sylph” and “forge me some papers” but they have no idea of context. Charity asks if Shanks can get the letter into Mirt’s hands. She says she’s not a messenger - he should try asking someone in the Dagger.

Any further questions before we head out? Melaina asks if there are any supplies we will need; Shanks says we won’t be travelling that far. We are told to tread carefully once we get into the old sewers. These are part of the old elven city that stood here before Waterdeep. When we get there the architecture should give it away. We’ll be away from the threats of the main sewer (rival guilds etc), but we’ll be in uncharted territory. There may be diseases, Shanks warns us. We should prepare some spells.

(Ed joins us - hooray!)

Gideon joins some spells to his spell heap, and he’s ready. Tarragon rearranges some spells and makes up some of her Herbalism recipes, and we head out. (Popcorn continues his stay at the Dagger.)

Marching order? Gideon goes first, he’s comfortable underground. There’s a squabble with Kessler, and then she’s at the front.

Carl and Charity are at the front, now. Tarragon is at the back, so Charity drops back to join her. (“Oh no…”) Carl stays at the front. Gideon goes next to Carl. Kessler is navigating, are we all happy with that? General murmuring, but no-one objects so Kessler takes the map.

We have to pick a pace to travel at. If we go slow we will get advantage on Perception to spot threats, and enemies get a penalty to spot us. Go fast and the bonuses reverse. We decide to go at a medium pace, saving our sneakiness until we get closer.

We set out to find the access point into the older sewer system. The smell and noise levels become worse as we move, and we get a minus 4 to our Perception checks.

We remember that Charity stinks of skunk still; the DM makes us make CON saves. We all find the smell revolting but everyone copes with it except, ironically, Tarragon. She pukes, and gets Disadvantage on checks and saves.

We follow Kessler and manage to avoid confrontations with the denizens of the new sewer. Melaina spots a glyph - meaning ‘Danger’. It marks the area as a no-go. We hear water rushing, up ahead.

We can repeat our saves; most of us fail them. Tarragon, who passed this time in spite of the disadvantage: “I will not apologise.”

Charity, hilariously, rolls a nat 1.

We descend the ladder; Charity throws up down it.

(Duncan can’t see; Joe forgot to light his mouse for him.)

Charity, while resting his head on his forearm against the wall, informs us between retches that he’s taking care of the Mirt situation.

The architecture is prettier here, but it smells really gross. The source of the watery noise is a sewage pipe emptying into the main channel in this part of the sewer. There doesn’t seem to be any way out of this bit we’ve found ourselves in; but we could cross the channel via a plank of wood that has been laid across it. Perhaps once we’ve rounded the corner we’ll see a way out.

Melaina rolls a 13 Acrobatics check and makes it across. Gideon gets a Guidance from Tarragon and gets a 14 total, making it safely. Having successfully performed this unexpected feat of dexterity, he goes to a corner and bends over, putting his hands on his knees and having a little breathe for himself while he waits for the rest of us.

Tarragon skips across with a 22. Ahleqs is making his check at Disadvantage because he’s still puking from the skunk-and-sewer stink. He rolls a 5, but uses a sorcery point to re-roll it (“It can’t be worse, can it, he said out loud?”). He gets a 6.  Well, that’s one better. He falls in the sewage, and rolls a 12 for his CON save, and uses another sorcery point to re-roll that, getting a 14. Not his day.

DM has some bad news; he has contracted (”Rona?”) Blinding Sickness. It will set in in an hour or so. Tarragon helps him out of the drink; Kessler casts Resistance on her in case she needs to make a save. Ahleqs makes a DEX check at advantage with her help, and like a slightly excretia-covered gazelle, he leaps up with a 20. He stands there dripping and crying for a moment, then throws up. Tarragon steps back.

Carl is up next. Can Charity give the Help action to assist? Ahleqs asks if he can use Mage Hand to give Carl a hand to hold to help him keep his balance; DM likes that so he allows it. Natural 20 for Carl, for a total of 19!

We’re all lined up on the other side, arms crossed, waiting for our favourite party member to have a go. Melaina wobbles the plank a bit with her toe. Charity Misty Steps across; we are all slightly disappointed.

There is a mound of filth and detritus in one corner in here; stuff we would rather not know what it is. Shanks retroactively tells us that there are pockets of gas down here that could be ignited, so we should think twice about slinging fire spells around. 

Ahleqs: “Oh, you guys have come down here with the wrong sorcerer.”

There is a pause; to fill it, Charity announces that now would be a good time for another poem. He takes a piece of parchment out of his pocket.

“Ahem. I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish. I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope, I'll be your love. Be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath. Truly, madly, deeply do. I will be strong, I will be faithful. 'Cause I'm counting on a new beginning, a reason for living. A deeper meaning, yeah. “I wanna stand with you on a mountain...”

Sophie puts a picture of Matthew on the group chat reading the poem; Goose is in the front of the shot, staring at the camera with a deep stank eye. Goose: “why do we let him stay?”

Artist’s impression:

The tiles on the floor are slick with some horrible stuff oozing from the mound. We have to make DEX checks to get past it. Melaina rolls a nat 1, but manages to keep her head out of the horrible stuff.

(Ahleqs finds “some matter” in his ear.)

We take turns making DEX checks to get past the stuff; almost all of us fail. Kessler fails badly and will start showing signs of Blinding Sickness in about four hours.

An Otyugh, disturbed by us idiots and Melaina crashing around in its sewer, rises out of the mound and attaches a tentacle to Ahleqs. It slams him into Brother Carl - they both make their CON saves and take half damage, remaining un-stunned. It makes a bite at Ahleqs and hits; he makes another CON save - which he passes. He is not poisoned or more diseased, but he takes some more damage. Roll initiative!

Kessler puts herself between the Otyugh and us, and orders it to put down the coward. She fires her crossbow and hits twice. “Put it down, you don’t know where it’s been, but we do.”

We hear a wordless, telepathic message in our heads that if we had to put it into words, says “HUNGRY!” There’s not much meat on Ahleqs; Kessler says it should eat the dwarf instead.

Ahleqs Misty Steps out of the grapple. “Oh, it’s horrible and it’s all slippery and I hated it!”

He contemplates going back to the Dagger. At least Mirt didn’t have tentacles - that we know about. Charity reminds him that Mirt was a rogue and could probably stab him to death in one stab.

Ahleqs, miserably: “Everyone can do that!”

Melaina makes a hide attempt with a 21, shoots with a 23 and hits. Her damage is a nat 1, but that still adds up to an 18 somehow. (Tarragon takes a minute to think about how she should be more terrified of Melaina.)

The Otyugh flails some tentacles but only hits Brother Carl once. It grapples him and drags him towards itself and makes a bite at him, doing a lot of damage.

Gideon Enfeebles it with a Ray of Enfeeblement, neutering the threat! He rolls a 21 to hit it; now it can only deal half damage with STR based attacks. “Ha HA!” It can make a save at the end of each of its turns. He remains in cover for the rest of his turn.

Brother Carl takes a turn; he uses his Gauntlets of Helm to do punchin’. He does 7 punchin’.

We all hear the telepathic voice again; it repeats its message. “HUNGRY!”

This thing is very handsy. Tarragon tries a Thorn Whip, not wanting to get any closer, but misses. Brother Charity asks Ahleqs how he’s doing; “I’m looking pretty grim. This could be it for our hero.”

Charity pulls out a trick he hasn’t used yet, which requires a WIS check first (Melaina: “It was nice knowing you, Ahleqs”) and uses a Healer’s Kit to cast Cure Ahleqs at 2nd level. Then he casts something called Life Transference to transfer some of his own health to his companion.

Kessler decides to give it something else to chew on, punching it with her Thunder Gauntlets. She has to make a DEX save to avoid slipping on the floor, and just barely makes it. She electrocutes it in the face - “wa-POW!” Well, she tries but misses. “Well that is just fuckin’ typical.” The DM says that she sees it smile, even as it dangles Brother Carl over its open maw. She will give it indigestion, she warns it.

Ahleqs takes a good look at it and wishes he hadn’t. He then casts Shatter, with Careful Spell. DM: Is it Thunder damage? If so, not a problem. If electrical, it will hit Carl anyway. But no, it’s Thunder damage. It makes a DC14 CON save, which it passes with a 26.

Ahleqs: “This dungeon is a higher level than us.”

Melaina thinks the thing is eating Brother Charity for a moment; when she finds out it’s Carl she decides to try and save him. She casts Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, as it was communicating telepathically so she believes that its INT is higher than 4; she is correct. It must make a WIS save, which it passes. “Shit!”

The Otyugh attacks Kessler with a 17 and misses her - she bats the tentacle away. It slams Carl into her and they both make CON saves. She pirouettes out of the way with ease and Carl goes limp, and both only take 5 damage. It takes another bite at Carl. Its attack damage is halved from Gideon’s Enfeeblement, he reminds it. Phew! It makes a save against the spell and gets a 22, ending it. “Crap!” 

It’s Gideon’s turn. He gives it a little Acid Splash, forcing a DEX save. It fails, taking 6 acid damage.

Brother Carl tries his Gauntlets of Helm again but misses.

Tarragon can’t see Brother Charity to give him a Healing Word. She could move forward but then she would be making DEX saves to stay upright. “Nah, I don’t care that much.”

Charity, wounded: “After all the poetry!”

“BECAUSE of the poetry.” (Matthew gets this in stereo as Sophie and I both say it at the same time.)

He misses with an Eldritch Blast, and Kessler misses her first Thunder Gauntlet attack but hits with the second. She moves away but slips over; she picks herself up.

Ahleqs: “This is a bit of a pickle, isn’t it.” He goes for an Eldritch Blast as well, hitting with a 17 and a natty 20. He rolls on the crit table and gets TRIPLE damage. oh yeah! The thing is bleeding now, and doesn’t look well.

Melaina will go back to plan A, and hides - at Disadvantage. Still gets a 23 though. She rolls with Sharpshooter for 15 to hit, and does 28 damage. It’s on its last legs, somehow still kicking.

Gideon, suddenly excited: “Perhaps Gideon will get the killing blow!”

We hear in our heads: “Give back, you leave??” Ah, so it will give us Carl back if we go away. It’s probably doing the city a service by eating all the garbage, maybe we should let it live? 

Will it let us move forward, instead of retreating? It puts Carl down and goes back into its corner, pulling all its tentacles in towards itself. (Ed wants to know how we’re doing XP in this game; if we let it live, will we still get points for it? Yes, Joe assures him, if we lay aside our murder-hobo ways we won’t be penalised for it.)

Brother Charity asks if it would be so kind as to lift him across the horrible floor; he offers to give it some food. Gideon wants to make an Insight check in case these things are prone to trickery. It could just be saving us for later. He rolls a 21; it’s an aberration, but it’s not necessarily evil. It’s in fear of its life.

He goes over and puts a hand on it. “It’s afraid!”(Okay, Neil Patrick Harris.)

It lifts Charity across; he takes some food from Carl’s pack and throws it towards what he believes is its mouth. It accepts gratefully. We could have just offered it food and it would have let us pass, the DM tells us. 

Gideon, leaning heavy on the sarcasm: “Well when it started gnawing on Carl, my first thought wasn’t to throw it a bun.”

The otyugh buries itself back into its pile and we move on.

We all make more CON saves; Gideon passes his third, and is temporarily resistant to the smell down here.

Kessler makes another navigation check, but rolls a 6. (We need Gunna for this really, but he’s off on a boat somewhere.) We wander around for a few hours, seemingly lost. During this time, Ahleqs starts to get splitting headaches, and his eyes start to turn a milky white. Charity makes a medicine check - and Prestidigitates himself to get rid of the skunk smell (an ability that he, by the way, has had this entire time.)

Charity rolls a 19 and surmises, correctly, that Ahleqs is suffering from Blinding Sickness, and starts expositing about his history and how he came across a farmer with this exact ailment while he was working as a scribe. Ahleqs is sick a little bit on his freshly-Prestidigitated shoe. “Just a little bit.”

Charity can cure him with the magics and the medicines. (Ahleqs, slowly, to the DM: “Do I trust him?”) Charity takes a little bottle out of his pouch, turns away from him, does a thing - and then jabs him in the neck with a hypodermic needle. But his blinding sickness is cured!

Oh yes, Charity is a trained battlefield medic, he informs us as he discards the needle. And then he vomits.

Would he like Ahleqs to stab him in the neck?

Kessler has been trying for a while now to find her bearings on the map, so those of us with fewer than 3 successes can roll CON saves again. Charity fails and is violently sick, but the rest of us are now temporarily resistant. Ahleqs offers his water skin to the Brother, as he must be dehydrated by now. Charity is sick into it. Ahleqs discards it.

“I didn’t want that any more anyway.”

Kessler finds a passageway - we hear water roaring in the distance. The passage opens up into a dome shaped room, 50 or 60 ft across. Two sewage rivers drop down into a whirlpool where it drains away. The only way through is via a rickety wooden walkway that spans one edge of the whirlpool between two of the passages. Gideon’s dwarven eyes think it doesn’t look very sturdy.

He has THE BEST idea. How long is the walkway? About 20 feet. He could use his special thing - oh, wait. Was it 20 feet? Yes, along the side of the room. This might take too long but he could turn it into something else, like stone but it would take - many minutes, Ed tells us. Kessler, in the lead, makes a DEX save - at advantage thanks to Gideon’s warning. She rolls an 11. (We might be about to find out what Plummeting Mode looks like on Kessler’s suit.)

The walkway collapses, but she just manages to step back away from it in time. How are we going to cross, the DM asks us? We hem and haw for a while, being somewhat short on grappling hooks or Flying spells.

We need an Immovable Rod for this really. Gideon suggests chucking people over in the Bag of Holding. He checks his Floating Disk spell again to see if he can control it and send it over with someone on top of it, but it seems not.

We’ve been down here for about seven hours now. Charity decides it’s time for another poem; we all groan.

“Ahem. Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Or would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? And would you save my soul tonight? Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Or would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this. Now would you die for the one you love? Oh hold me in your arms tonight. I can be your hero baby...”

Kessler interrupts to ask what to roll to jump across the gap. She gets a 17, but is hanging on by her fingers. 

Tarragon: “I WILL re-skunk, I’m warning you now.”

18 to hit Brother Charity? He has half cover so he can add two to his AC, but it still hits. We’re being shot at by disgusting rat people! He takes 5 damage.

“Why you in sewer?” the rat men shout across the whirlpool.

Well, we’ve come to deal with the flesh... squisher? Splatter? Thing.

“What is flesh squisher?” they ask. Ahleqs explains, giving the details that Shanks gave us. He makes a 23 Persuasion check, and the rat mens’ leader nods.

“Big monster, deeper in.”

Gideon: “Yes, we have an appointment.”

“You kill big monster?”

Ahleqs, still not sure if these rats like the flesh ripper or not and taking a gamble: “Ye- yes!”

“Big monster terrifying, rips arms off. Kill it for sure?”

Ahleqs, holding out Simon: “I can make a mouse glow, and that’s the least of my talents.”

“You no hurt rat men?”

“As long as you don’t hurt us. Hear that, Charity? They’ll be our friends if no more poems.”

“Yes, no more poems, rat people no hurt.”

Gideon: “How do we get through here?”

“Climb walls. You need help?”

Ahleqs points to the whirlpool and asks what happens if we fall. The rat men shrug. Comforting.

This is the second time we haven’t murder-hobo’ed! The DM is proud of us. The rat men will leave, and come back with wood to fix the bridge for us. Aw! 

“You sure you can kill big bad? Promise?” they ask as they fix the bridge. Well, if we can’t then we’ll be dead anyway, so we make the promise.

The rat men don’t seem any more enamoured of Charity’s poetry than we are. “No more poetry?”

Charity, miffed: “I spent hours on those poems.”  

Melaina, disdainfully: “A waste of your time and ours.” (Matthew specifically asks to have that recorded in the minutes.)

Charity pauses before crossing the bridge to ask the rat men to critique his poetry; they tell him it was terrible and made their ears bleed. “So it was more the content than the delivery, then.”

(Ed does a huge burp, at least a 9.5/10. Matthew: God-DAMN! Duncan: Sounds like you need to chew your dinner again.)

Kessler is starting to feel the effects of the disease; her vision is starting to blur. The star-crossed lovers start squabbling again.

Charity sees that Kessler’s eyes are starting to go milky like Ahleqs’ did. He hands her a tincture from his pack and tells her “drink it, if you want.” He didn't roll good on his healer’s kit though so it fails. Tarragon casts Lesser Restoration and crows about being better at healing than the Cleric.

We are in a quiet part of the sewers; now would be a good time to rest, Kessler tells us, now that she is able to see the map again.

There is no rubbish but a lot of gore down here, we notice as we rest. Probably close to the Flesh Ripper’s lair then. Tarragon burns some of her Relaxing Bark, so anyone rolling hit dice can regain two of them. (Ahleqs asks if anyone has a tincture that can restore sorcery points; not so much.)

(Joe forgets to enable the mouse layer again, so we pause so he can ignite Simon and Ahleqs can see.)

We move on. Charity pulls out a piece of paper, considers it, crumples it and throws it in the canal (it’s water, not sewage, here). The rat men were the final straw, obviously. Tarragon, who is the only one behind him in the marching order, sees this and files it away without saying anything. 

Something slimy and black slams into the wall next to Kessler’s head - it is some sort of pseudopod. Yuck.

Does 14 hit Brother Carl?

“14 hits Brother Carl like a motherfucker!” His vestments start to melt with the acid damage. Brother Charity shouts “CARL!”

Hanging form the ceiling are two dark patches of slime; one has hit Brother Carl and the other looks to be winding up for an attack as well. They are making a horrible schlorping noise that we can hear over the audio.

Ahleqs is up first. He hits one with Eldritch Blast for ten damage, and ducks down behind Melaina.

She can’t hide from them, so she just has a shoot. 15 hits, for 22 damage. Nice.

What does Charity want to do? His friend is poorly, so he does another Life Transference.

Tarragon runs forward and Healing Word’s Brother Carl, and holds a Thorn Whip until one of the black slimes gets within 30 feet of her.

Gideon does a Chill Touch and rolls a big number. Carl can probably reach one as the pipe we are in is circular, and it’s likely only about ten feet up the full 20foot height. He rolls badly, however, and misses.

Kessler hits one with a crossbow attack for 7 piercing; she reloads and fires again for ten. She goes to hide, but forgot to turn off the strobe lights on the front of her suit.

The slime (it is a Black Pudding) hits Carl with a 23 for 8 blud and 23 acid damage. His armour starts to melt; he gets a permanent, cumulative -1 to his AC. Is he dead? On the plus side, he doesn’t wear armour so there’s just a hole in his shirt. On the minus side that was all his hit points and he was using those to live. On Brother Charity’s turn he will shout out Carl’s name.

Gideon is attacked, but the Pudding misses so we’re back to Ahleqs. He shoots at the most damaged one with Eldritch Blast and hits twice for 13 total damage. “Killing it instantly?”

DM: “No, not at all, but it didn’t enjoy it if that makes you feel any better.”

Melaina shoots again and hits for 19 damage - how de do dis! It turns into mucus and flops down onto the floor.

Charitoir is up. He runs forward yelling Carl’s name and chugging a health potion as he goes. He casts a Little Bit of Making Carl Better, A Little Bit of Making Him Good, and gives him 14 of his own HP.

Tarragon wants to know if she knew that Charity was using his own health to heal Carl; she rolls a 5 on her Arcana check. Not so much, then. Still, she sees that Charity is pretty badly off now so she sighs and reluctantly casts Cure Wounds on him. He immediately drops to his knees in the water, tearing up with joy, and holds his arms out to her, whispering “Thank you!” She backs up five feet.

(Unbeknownst to him, or any of us for that matter, he only has three more hours left on the madness that caused him to think he’s fallen in love with her. This is going to be interesting, especially considering his ‘certain views’ on the smaller races, Matthew reminds us.)

Gideon pokes the remaining Pudding where he believes the beady little eye to be with Chill Touch for 13 damage. Nice.

Carl is up. He draws his mace and bashes it - a ten is a hit, somehow. That’s the good news. Yay, seven bludgeoning attack! The bad news is that he takes 4 acid damage, and his weapon starts to melt. It now does less damage, which is cumulative and permanent. Kessler can fix it. She thinks.

She shoots her crossbow and hits twice. Sweet. The Pudding shoots a tendril at Charity - 13 to hit? Matthew has a horrible feeling that’s right on the money… and it is. Just as Charity is reaching for Tarragon, it slaps his hand down. “No petting!”

Just for Ahleqs, Joe makes the Pudding do the horrible schlorping noise again. He quivers in terror. More Eldritch Blasts! 8 hits, luckily. 8 Force damage and it dies instantly…? (A coward, but an optimist.)

He can hide behind his friends still, so he doesn’t move.

Melaina shoots with a natty 20. “I will kill it with my bow.” She gets her sneak attack now as Carl is in melee with it. Crit table says max damage and she can roll the damage dice a third time. Her damage dice is a d8+4, and sneak attack max is 3d6, or 18. 12 plus 18 and she can roll another d8, and add another ten for her Sharpshooter.

Joe doesn’t even bother adding the damage. She bloody well does kill it with her bow - how de do dis!

“It flies around the room like a balloon with a hole in it.”

We still hear the schlorping noise coming from somewhere deeper in - so it wasn’t coming from the Puddings. Hmm. 

Joe calls it there for this week, congratulating us on not murderizing everything we saw today. We’re growing as people.