#man i wanted to just fully like it sooo badly tho

[callixton]

the listeners isn’t really working for me but i took a quick look at its storygraph reviews and people r really getting caught up on the wrong things. tbf it is so clear that my experience reading this with some knowledge of how jordan writes & approaches stories is giving me a very specific bias

[clarabowmp3]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals, followers and all the wonderful people on here!

agdhdjsk forcing myself to find joy in the mundane:

fav music such as folklore (besides being so emotionally raw the idea of these being tales as old as time, repetitive and arguably inescapable, it’s very ‘man is the maker and hence also destroyer of his own destiny’ which is smth that keeps me up at night sometimes) and guts and you’re just a boy and I’m kinda the man (single-handedly keeping me pushing through life god bless olivia and maisie)

edits which are so so interesting in me enough to live in my head for a good few months just ruminating twisting them around this way and that (right now it’s this and this)

watcher/BuzzFeed unsolved! Other than being interesting it’s very nostalgic for me cuz i would watch bfu episodes with a friend during recess when I was 15 and even tho we weren’t the closest friends and we’ve fallen out of touch now there’s smth so warm and cozy abt the memory

in general a lot of media but specifically wanda vision and one of my lit books who’s afraid of virginia woolf by Edward Albee. i relate so much to Wanda and how badly she just wants to keep her family safe and alive and live with them even going to drastic and unhealthy lengths to do so which makes me feel better abt my own visceral emotions/anxiety over things that wont happen (at least for a while), like it’s not even abt being unhinged but just that deep seated grief that never fully heals is soooo. yea. and for WAVW I rlly relate to Martha and her self-sabotaging tendencies and how it’s affected her r/ships with the person(s) closest to her and she’s very making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo and “would it be enough if I could never give u peace” coded but that doesn’t get revealed until the final act and until then she’s this aggressive, animalistic woman who doesn’t let her husband have a moment’s peace except for a few glimpses of vulnerability. just that this recognition of my flaws and assurance that i am normal and not inherently messed up through external media is rlly cathartic to me

meg Cabot books! 13/14 year old me was on a mission to read the entire Meg Cabot section in my school library (I think I succeeded) and I’ve not met a single person irl who even knows her and maybe she’s a lil outdated but her books are sooo my guilty pleasure even now where it’s so difficult for me to enjoy a book that isn’t entirely unpredictable

[edgydepression]

this is so st000pid

im watching the jenna marbles video where she talks about finally buying a house w her boyfriend of many years and how much it means to her and im trying sooo hard not to tear up wtf

it’s just weird for me bc i’ve never really seen myself setting a goal like that until fairly recently. i’ve changed so much in the past few years and seeing myself embracing this kind of mentality is odd and scary and weirdly comforting??? i’ve barely even vaguely thought about accomplishing an act of partnership like owning a home together before but at this point in my life it’s honestly something that i can see myself and even know myself wanting. remembering moving every two-ish years for my entire life and never fully (or even much more than remotely tbh) experiencing the sensation of “coming home” drives me to newly establish that kind of a life for not only myself, but someone else i deeply care about. goals like this have been kinda alien to me, especially when i was younger. but seeing two people who have been together for a decently long time who aren’t married or even engaged (not that that rly matters tho ofc) transition to this new kind of intimacy touches me in a weird way i can’t describe very much. i don’t have a single family member i’d want to welcome into my home since my great uncle passed away when i was a freshman in college (within the same month as one of my cats ironically) but yet i still want to own a space where i have that freedom in the first place so, so badly. maybe this desire has been blossoming within me for a time now and i’m just now realizing it. either way, i don’t fuckin know man. don’t get me wrong, idek a lot of things i want in the future as a partnered adult. i’ve already shifted from being strongly opposed to marriage to knowing at my core that i’ll feel deeply disappointed if i’m not married before my early thirties at the very least. i’ve consciously veered away from thinking about what i want in my future beyond just having the awareness that i’m not bound to anyone’s expectations anymore (and traveling quite a bit bc that poor kid ~wanderlust u know what i mean lmao). even before i knew that love is one of the most important (if not the most important) components of my life i always admired and fuckin adored seeing elderly couples who still visibly radiate devotion. i think that one of the main reasons i’ve violently denied valuing this because i’ve never personally seen it before. i come from generations of neurotic, abusive single mothers. i’ve never seen healthy love before, or had an example to guide me. of course, that’s not a fucking excuse. i’m responsible for my own journey towards psychological health and stability. i’m not going to pressure myself into planning ahead for every single detailed step though. that’s only going to set me up for failure. i’ve witnessed so, so much anger and toxicity and bitterness regarding the subject of love while growing up that i know at this point it was the biggest cause of how jaded i used to be even a few years ago. that worldview still haunts me to a certain extent now. but the biggest goddamn difference between me and the resentment i saw is that i possess the willingness to commit to healing!! i know how scary it is to estrange yourself from hope and light. and how it scars those around you. and i refuse to follow in these footsteps! i’m more than the anger i was raised in. i’m going to achieve healthy romance and partnership no matter what, and fuck the negativity that i’ve allowed to bring me down. this is my goal, and my responsibility. i’m going to overcome this fear of striving for symbols of partnership and commitment. this motherfuckin pisces season is gonna CLEANSE ME BICH 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.