#malin had me laugh crying last night

[empresskadia]

This has me gigging like crazy still

[pikapeppa]

Garrus Vakarian x f!Shepard: Crick

Hello friends and loved ones: I am dipping my toe into Shakarian fic. Haven’t quite decided yet how much to commit to writing this pairing in detail, so here’s a little oneshot set just after the Horizon mission in ME2. ~2400 words. (Tumblr only for now, but I’ll post on AO3 if I decide to write more.)

******************************

Garrus sighed as he made his way to the main battery room. There was a stiff feeling in the left side of his neck and shoulder when he tilted his head, and he was annoyed by it. It was his own fault, really; he’d fallen asleep at his weapons modification table again last night and woken with this crick in his neck that wouldn’t go away.

It was one of those times when he really wished he could get a proper hammer massage. There was that one place on the Citadel that did real Palavenese massage, the good kind that you really felt vibrating all the way through your carapace into your bones, but Garrus wasn’t sure if Shepard would be ordering them back to the Citadel anytime soon.

It’s just a crick, he reminded himself. It could be so much worse. The fight they’d just gone through on Horizon had been… a tough one, to say the least. Any fight with an unfamiliar new enemy could be unnerving, but seeing that Harbinger thing jumping from body to body during the fight had almost been enough to make Garrus pause.

Almost, but not quite. Archangel never hesitated or missed his shot. 

He stepped into the main battery room and took a deep breath, then released it in a satisfied sigh. The air in here smelled like clean plastic and a hint of metal, and he savoured the relaxing smell just as he did every time he stepped into this room after a hard fight. 

He flicked on the monitors and cracked the joints in his fingers, then started his usual routine of checking the gun settings – a routine that was more for comfort now than necessity, if he was being totally honest. Cerberus might be a pack of crazies doing their twisted human experiments, but they sure made a mighty fine canon. 

He finished up his calibrating routine, and he was just about to move on to studying the Collector particle rifle that Shepard had salvaged when he heard the distinct beep-and-shunk of the door unlocking. A second later, the doors slid open, and Shepard stepped through. 

She nodded briskly. “Garrus. Just checking in. You doing okay after that fight?”

“I’m just fine, Shepard,” he assured her. “I was about to start looking at your new toy here, actually.”

“That’s great,” she said. “It looks like a powerful little piece of tech. Something we can turn to our advantage, you think?”

“I don’t doubt it,” he said. “There’s nothing I find more satisfying than using the enemy’s own weapons against them.”

A small smile crossed her face, just as he’d hoped it would. He hadn’t seen a smile on her face all day, not since the Collectors had gotten away with the population of Horizon’s colony. Kaidan’s angry lecture probably hadn’t helped things, either. 

She huffed and leaned an elbow on the weapons mod table. “That’s pretty bloodthirsty of you, Garrus.” 

“Bloodthirsty? Me? Never,” he said. “Thirsty for justice, on the other hand…”

She laughed — a husky rolling sound that always reminded him, for some reason, of brandy-filled chocolates. “What a line. Did your time on Omega inspire you to dip your toe into writing noir mystery novels?”

“What if it did?” he said playfully.

“Then I’d tell you stick to your dayjob,” she replied.

It was Garrus’s turn to chuckle. Shepard smiled at him once more, then straightened up and nodded at the particle rifle. “I know you just got started here, but I’m interested to see what you find. Mind if I watch you working for a while?”

“No problem,” he said. “Might ask you to throw up a barrier for your own protection, though. This thing doesn’t use conventional heat sinks. I’m not sure yet if it can even be fully turned off.”

She nodded and cast herself a barrier with a quick clench of her fist, and Garrus got to work studying the Collector rifle. He scanned it to build a schematic and explained the exploded view to Shepard, and she frowned thoughtfully and asked questions about the weapon’s uses and disadvantages, and all the while, as he often did, he wondered what she was really thinking. 

By any objective standards, it had been a bad day. They’d just watched most of a human colony get taken away by the Collectors. Her former lieutenant had accused her of crimes against her race right after a really tough fight, and when they’d boarded the Normandy once more, the Illusive Man had told her that he’d actually incited the Collectors to target Horizon. 

If Garrus was in Shepard’s place, he’d be vibrating with anger by now. But here she was, watching him dismantle a gun with the calmest look on her face. 

A solid half hour later, when he’d finished thoroughly surveying the rifle, he tapped his visor from its analysis mode back into its resting mode and looked at her. “I think that’s about all I’m going to do with this rifle for today. You need me for anything else?”

“Nothing else for now,” she said. “Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll talk to you later.” She stepped back toward the door. 

On a sudden whim, he opened his mouth. “Shepard, hang on a second.”

She turned back to him. “What is it?”

He hesitated. Now he was wondering if the question at the tip of his tongue was too personal. He and Shepard were friends, sure, but his question might touch a bit of a sore spot, given what had happened today. If Garrus knew anything about Shepard, it was that she wasn’t much of one for talking about her feelings when missions didn’t go as expected. Not that Garrus was a talky-feely sort of guy, either, but still… 

She raised her eyebrows expectantly, and he shook himself. He’d called her to turn around; he had no choice but to ask now. “Are you doing okay?” 

Her eyebrows rose higher. “Sorry?”

“This whole Collector business on Horizon,” he clarified. “I know it didn’t go down the way we wanted, and then with the Illusive Man being, you know… illusive.” He lifted his shoulders. “It can’t have been easy.”

Her blue-black eyes crinkled at the corners. “You worrying about me, Vakarian?” 

“A little, maybe,” he said. “You’ve only taken a dig at me once today.”

Another smile flashed across her face, but it was gone a second later, smoothed back into her usual businesslike expression. “I’m all right,” she said. “It’s a hit to have lost the colony, but we’ll save the next one. I’ll make sure of it.”

He nodded. “Seeing Kaidan was a bit of a shock, huh?”

She huffed and folded her arms. “It wasn’t ideal, but that’s the way it is. He’s got his mission, and we’ve got ours. We can’t lose our focus over personal feelings.”

Garrus nodded again. Everything she was saying was reasonable and true, and her calm attitude was envious, really. If Garrus was able to keep his calm like Shepard did… well, he’d tried to channel Shepard’s calm while he was on Omega, but it had only gotten him so far. Garrus had never known anyone, human or otherwise, who kept their cool all the time quite the way Shepard did. 

And yet, for some reason, he just… he wasn��t sure. Her manner struck him as a little bit off, somehow, like the feeling of the crick in his neck.

She lifted her eyebrows. “Anything else?”

“How do you do it?” he said bluntly.

She blinked. “Do what?”

“Keep it together all the time,” he said. “You never seem uncertain. You always seem to know what you’re doing, even if you can’t possibly know. I have to admit, I envy you,” he admitted. “How is it that you always manage to keep it together?”

She didn’t reply right away. Instead, she just stared at him without speaking, and Garrus started to feel a little awkward. It was hard to tell from the look on her face, but he thought that maybe she was… was she angry? Surprised? Bored, maybe? He couldn’t quite tell. Human expressions were usually easy to interpret, with their fleshy lips stretching and pouting and their eyebrows leaping up and down. But when Shepard was in her ‘commander’ mode, she could be so damned hard to read. 

She glanced at the closed door. Then, to his surprise, she walked over to him and sat in his chair. 

She raked her long black bangs back from her face and looked up at him. “You want to know my secret?” she said.

“Secret?” he said blankly. “To what?”

“To staying calm all the time,” she said. “Can I tell you my secret?”

“Um, sure,” he said. 

She leaned toward him, and he instinctively stooped down a bit to hear her better — a good thing that he did, since her voice was low and conspiratorial when she spoke. 

“I cry in the shower,” she said.

His guts twisted in a funny way. “What?”

She leaned back in his chair. “I cry in the shower,” she said. “When something really fucked up happens, I get in the shower at the end of the day and I cry like hell.”

He stared at her wordlessly. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected her to say, but it wasn’t this. 

A little smile curled the corners of her lips. “What’s wrong? Not the answer you were hoping to hear?”

“It’s — it’s not that,” he said. “I’m just, uh, surprised. You cry in the shower?”

“Yep,” she said. “Not bullshitting you, I promise. This is not a bet with Joker or anything like that.”

He tried to gather his wits. “So… what, you cry in the shower, and then you just… get back to being Commander Malin Shepard, saviour of the Citadel and resident Reaper conspiracist?”

She chuckled. “Exactly. It’s like a purge. Works perfectly every time.”

He nodded slowly, feeling like he needed some time to process this, and Shepard huffed and punched his arm in a friendly manner.  “Not so impressed with me anymore, huh?”

That wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t that he was unimpressed. But now he was actually worried about her. In all the time Garrus had known her, he had never once imagined her crying about anything. If what she was telling him was true, though…

Hang on. How often did she cry in the shower, exactly? No, he couldn’t ask that — it would definitely be overstepping. 

He scrambled to find a clever reply. “It’s not that,” he said. “Actually, I’m jealous.”

She laughed. “Jealous? Why?” Then her eyebrows rose. “Wait, can turians cry?”

“Sure,” Garrus said. “But we don’t do it often.”

“Is it hard for you to cry?” she asked.

“Well, the turian military doesn’t exactly encourage you to curl up in the corner for a little weeping time,” he said dryly.

She snorted. “Not what I meant. I was more wondering if, uh, since you have deep eye sockets, maybe your tears collect in there somewhere…?”

He flared his mandibles in amusement. “Tears don’t collect in a little reservoir under our eyes or something, if that’s what you’re wondering,” he drawled. “But yeah, we can cry. It just doesn’t happen much. Which leads me to the jealousy,” he added. “You get to sit in your shower crying whenever you feel like it? Forget the private cabin: that’s the real luxury of being the commander.”

She laughed again, more heartily this time, and the husky warmth of her laughter was such that Garrus could almost taste the sweet bite of brandy and bittersweet chocolate. “Well, if you ever want to try it sometime, let me know.”

“Try what?” he said. “Crying in the shower?”

“Yep,” she said. “You can borrow my private shower instead of using the shared showers down here, if you want. The walls are soundproof, so nobody can hear you wailing.”

For a split second, an image flashed across his mind: Shepard’s private shower. No, not just Shepard’s private shower: Shepard’s private shower, with Shepard in it. Shepard naked in the shower — what did her body look like under those clothes, he wondered? — and he, Garrus, joining her in the shower —

Wait. Wait a second. Why was he thinking about that? He shouldn’t be thinking about that. It was Shepard, for crying out loud: his friend and his CO. Who did he think he was, to imagine his human female CO naked in the shower? 

He scrambled to get his thoughts back on track. “I’ll, uh, let you know,” he said. “Might have to train my eyes how to cry, it’s been so long.”

She smirked. “Nice try, Vakarian. Something tells me you’re not quite that heartless.”

He chuckled — a little weakly, to be truthful, but Shepard didn’t seem to notice; she was rising from his chair with a smile. “Well, I should go. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” he echoed, and he watched her surreptitiously as she left the room. Once she was gone, he sat in his chair and closed his eyes. 

Crying in the shower… he honestly wouldn’t have guessed it. He’d expected her to give him some kind of encouraging advice or bolstering words of wisdom, like the sorts of things she said to the team before they set off on a mission. But somehow, hearing her say she cried in the shower was… interesting. It made him think about her in a different way. He was worried for sure, but also… comforted, somehow, to know that even Shepard got overwhelmed enough to cry. It seemed that under all that heavy N7 armour, she really was a regular person, too. 

Under all that heavy N7 armour… A flash of a thought projected itself on his closed eyelids: Shepard stripping off her armour, her slender human fingers raking her sweat-dampened bangs back from her face, the small bare patch at the nape of her neck where her short spiky hair faded into light golden-brown skin… 

He snapped open his eyes. Was he drifting off? He must be more tired than he thought. No other reason that he’d keep thinking about Shepard like this. 

He rose from his chair and rolled his shoulders, then clicked in his mandibles in annoyance as the crick in his neck announced itself once more. “Really could use a damned massage,” he muttered. Well, he’d just have to suck it up and wait until they got back to the Citadel.

In the meantime, he’d just have to cope with the strange nagging feeling of the crick in his neck.

[disasterlesbiansunite]

Just Two Things: A Young Royals Fix-It Fic

His mama had stood over him as she began talking. Wilhelm could hardly focus; the vision of the video (his video, his and Simon’s video, the video of Simon) burned into his brain on a constant loop. She hadn't asked him if he was alright, not yet, but he had stopped expecting her to early on in life. Duty first, he guessed, as usual. She pulled away and off the bed, rattled off the words about the interview he’ll do to protect the royal family et cetera, et cetera.

“I don’t want you to see Simon for the time being,” she said, and he glanced up, suddenly feeling like his world is fell away underneath him. He wished Erik were here, that Erik was still alive. If he were, then maybe this would all go away. He doubted any of it could now.

--

August brought him dinner that night when he’s too exhausted to even leave his bed. He said that Erik would want Wille to be himself - but how is August so sure of what Erik would want him to do to fix this, to just get this whole shitshow over with, when the only person who knows that is six feet under.

“Follow your heart, really.” August said. “Follow your heart.”

If anything his heart only thought of two things at the moment. One is the crumpled up rage he feels that’s been broiling under his skin since he saw the video; the screaming, panicked wild thing that wants to shout at the world and watch it shouts back until no part of him remains, no crown prince, nothing.

The other part of his brain thought of Simon. Holding him, soft and warm until his skin, kissing his neck and inhaling as much of him as possible. Kissing him, kissing Simon, an exhilarating feeling he can’t describe, he won’t ever be able to describe. Almost all of the girls he had kissed had kissed gently and slowly, like they were afraid he would disappear right next to them. It always felt like he was being kissed by air, a ghostly possession that was over in a second and just as uncomfortable.

He would have thought that Simon would kiss like that, he had thought Simon would kiss like that, Simon had kissed like that, before they really truly got to know one another. Now, Simon kissed hard and rough, like he knew Wilhelm wouldn’t disappear but just as quick, aware he couldn’t have him by himself ever. Simon’s kiss had the edge of sandpaper, tough grit and fine smoothness rolled into one. Simon kissed for the sake of it, like there was so much he wanted to do to Wille, do with Wille, that he simply couldn’t function enough to do anything but kiss him. Wille fell asleep soon after that, dinner discarded. He wondered if the last time they would ever kiss would be the time that caused both of him to want to recoil from society and away from the world. A part of him hoped so.

The nail on his thumb was raw and bleeding.

--

As he walked through Hillerska, everyone stared at him in pity. He was used to the stares, used to the way his simple presence shut up people around until all they could do was give him a dumb look. It was pity that was new to him, but he tried not to focus on that as Malin rushed with him to his first class of the day. He knew the things they were saying, drove himself insane as he googled himself over and over again, watching Sweden’s trending page unravel until it felt like it was all over. He watched as Simon walked into their classroom, turning heads for once in his life. Once except for the amount of times he had his, of course. He mindlessly made small talk with his classmate, but all he could think of were two things.

After class he rushed into the locker room to talk to Simon. He looked sullen, his features that were generally framed in a light source of their own were moody and dark, an awkward, ill fitting portrait. He wanted to kiss it all away. Instead, kicked at Simon’s foot, hooking the two into a game of footsie.

“What the hell are we going to do?” Simon asked, wrapping his hands around Wilhelm’s, as if he had any of the answers. Breaking news, he didn’t. All he could do was sit in silence and hold Simon, it felt like the only thing he could do. Unless…

“They’ve asked me to deny it was me in that video.” He could barely get the words out.

“Serious?”

Wille hummed, unable to interpret that reaction. “They want me to make a statement at the castle on Saturday.”

Simon turned, his head moving off of Wille's shoulder in a way that feels entirely unwelcome. Put that back please. Wille had realized that he could only really function anymore in Simon’s arms. As if he wasn’t touch starved enough, but Simon was hot and didn’t mind so it didn’t really matter. “But you’re not going to do it, right?”

“I don’t want to say anything.” Simon doesn’t get it, but Wilhelm doesn’t expect him too; too impossible to explain.

“But, Wille, everyone can see that it’s me in that video,” Wille groaned. He had forgotten that slightly important detail. Simon continued, “What am I supposed to do? But no matter what, they can’t dictate what you say,” Yes, they absolutely can, they’ve done it before.

We haven’t done anything wrong.” He had forgotten that too, spending so much time yesterday going over consequences and contingencies ranging from plan A to Z it made his head bled. But no one had actually told him that they hadn’t done anything wrong. Not even August, with his love is love attitude that came out of nowhere. Not even fucking him.

--

Mama had been waiting for him. Mama had met Simon. She never looked twice at Wilhelm, veiled disdain souring her mouth as she stared out the window.

“What? Why can’t I just have a relationship with him? And not say anything. Just live a normal life.” He knows why. He just wants to hear her say it.

“You’re the crown prince.” And there’s the world crashing back down onto him. “And that’s a privilege, not a punishment.” It’s both actually, but whatever, mama.

“Yes, but I didn’t ask for this!” Erik should be here. Erik would know what to do.

“Well, nobody has ever, ever asked for this,” his mama shot back. He feels like a little kid again, feels like biting his thumb raw. “You’re the only one who can take over the throne after Erik. Don’t you understand that?” He wished she would just look at him.

“You’re so young. When you’re young love feels like the most important thing in the world. When I was your age, I too had an unfortunate romance.” He wants to laugh or cry or release that panicked, clawed, anxious feeling that’s always been trapped underneath his chest, beating his heart faster and faster and faster. Unfortunate romance, she said, like Simon isn’t the best thing to happen to him, like Simon wasn’t the only one holding him together, like Simon wasn’t the only real thing in his world.

He snapped back into the conversation.“Is it worth it,” she continued. “If you feel that the attention you’ve been getting so far is unacceptable, it’s nothing compared to what you will endure for the rest of your life. We have a chance to cover this up. I urge you to take this chance. You may not get another.”

With Simon on one shoulder, and his mama and the world on the other, it turns out he was going to make the statement after all. Fucking great.

--

He felt like throwing up, but, to be fair, when hasn’t he.

“Are you ready?” His mama asked, like he could ever be ready to announce to the world, no that definitely was not me in that tape and that boy is definitely not the love of my life, thank you very much.

He dragged his feet, as he went into the room where Rosenqvists sits. Like Mama said, they only have one chance to not fuck this up.

Rosenqvist smiles at Wilhelm, her eyes hawkish. He musters as much of a smile as he can, playing with the buttons on his suit as the photographer directs the two around.

“It’s good to see you again, your highness.”

His eyes darted around the room. He could hear his mama and papa argue in the room they were in

“You too.”

The interview began then, menial questions about his existence that made him want to bite at his thumb. He resisted, knew that if Rosenqvist saw how his anxiety was surging through him like a freight train and mentioned it in her interview, his mama would be more angry then she already was. The questions are simple really, he barely thought about the answers and more about how Erik would have phrased them. Not like Erik would have been in this situation.

“So, Wilhelm, we both know why we’re here.” She smiled apologetically at him. Here we go. “As you are, no doubt, aware of by now there was a video from Hillerska that is going viral of what is rumored to be yourself and another male student,” she paused for a moment, uncomfortable with the what she’s about to say to a boy she’d been interviewing for most of his life, “being intimate. What do you have to say about these rumors, Crown Prince Wilhelm?” She’s less probing, then. He can tell his mom already prepped her on how exactly this interview needed to go. Fuck.

“That’s not-” his words got stuck in his throat.

“That’s not you in the video?” She filled, looking more and more saddened with each word, more maternal that he thinks he’s seen anyone in his entire life. He wanted to nod, wanted to do what his mama wanted for him, wanted to listen to what she feels is best for their country, because it is theirs now, isn’t it? Erik is dead and gone and never coming back no matter how much Wilhelm wishes he had been able to keep him alive. Wilhelm doesn’t exactly know much about what it takes to be king, not like Erik did, but he’s pretty sure a leaked tape is one thing a king is not supposed to have on his record. Wilhelm should want to deny the rumors, so why does it feel like every time he tries to open his mouth that it’s filled with cotton, that panicked wild thing grabbing hold of his brain and shaking it like his snowglobe. It’s begging him to choose the path of least resistance. And then there was Simon. Simon with his pretty soft voice and his even softer lips. Simon with his kind eyes and hands and just Simon, Simon, Simon. Simon, who has already been broken by the video and if Wilhelm denies their relationship then he’ll only break more. The only things he can think about. Just two things. Two things he can’t seem to choose between.

He took a deep breath. Erik would have wanted him to follow his heart, would have said that that would be how he becomes a great king. By being kind and good, and wholly himself.

He chose.

--

Simon’s mama shouts for a rematch as he laughed into his snack.

Ayub tensed next to him, “Oh, shit.”

“What’s up?” Simon asked, confused. Did his dad ask him to go home or something?

Instead, Ayub read from his phone: an online copy of this week’s Göteborgs-Posten screenshotted and reposted to Twitter. “The Crown Prince addresses rumors of Viral Video.”

“What?” He could have sworn Willie had said he wouldn’t do the interview. His mom and Sara exchange glances.

Ayub read on, “While the Royal Court denies rumors that the Crown Prince appears in the video that has gone viral this past week, his royal highness Prince Wilhelm goes more in depth on his time at Hillerska and the events surrounding the video. He says, ‘I started at Hillerska to focus on my studies and have kept to that.’ At this moment, the prince pauses and grows quiet.

‘That’s not the entire truth. The truth is that that is me in the video. I do not know who took it or why but the facts remain the same. There are many people who would want me to not address the rumors surrounding me at this time, and some even would want me to outright deny them, but I disagree. If I am to be king, and no matter what happens from this I will be king, I want to be the kind of king the people can be proud of, the kind of king my brother would have been, and the kind of king that if he saw me he’d be proud of. And that starts by being genuine and being myself to the citizens of Sweden and to the world.’ ‘Everyone should be allowed to live as gay or straight or whatever they want,’ says the Crown Prince. ‘And I suppose the former includes me, but I would still like this time to decide further who I am and what kind of king I will be.’”

Simon is stunned. Of all things, he didn’t think of this as even an option. He fishes his phone out of his pocket.

To Wille: just read the interview, what. the. fuck.

From Wille: Is that a good “what. the. fuck!!!” or a “bad what. the. fuck?!?”

To Wille: you’re so brave, wille, thank you

To Wille: also according to ayub youre trending as “gay king wilhelm” on twitter rn

From Wille: Fuck yeah, bow down to your king. Meet me before school starts tomorrow, courtyard?

To Wille: see you then, gay king willie

As Simon approached the school - having already been stopped by four journalists, three photographers, two nosy neighbors and one blogger - he could see as Wille nervously paced at the edge of the courtyard, his hand rubbed deep into his chest, shirt creasing around it. Simon couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened in the palace after Wille’s interview. From what he saw the queen didn’t really strike him as the accepting type, but that was one of those things he’d let Wille discuss on his own time. He snuck up behind Wille instead, held his arms and kissed his neck.

“Hello, my prince,” he said and twirled Wille around and into his arms. Wille let out a little sigh of relief and if he could have held Willie there for forever he would. Wille smiles at him and kisses him on the cheek.

“Can we just go one day Simon without having your weird relationship issues making a scene,” Sara huffed past and quickened her pace to the school. Simon hadn’t noticed the stares, it felt like everyone in the courtyard had been watching them from Felice to August to other boarders Simon couldn’t name, but that had definitely called him names. Simon can’t bring himself to care anymore.

“I’m so proud of you, Wille.” Wilhelm let out a little noise, the only amount of negative emotion that being schooled on refinement since before he could talk would allow. He grabbed at Simon’s coat and drew him in for a hug.

“I love you,” Wille said and suddenly Simon’s whole world had shrunk down to three words.

Wille quickly ended the hug and walked towards the school, his bodyguards following quick after. Simon speed walked up to him and grabbed his hand, “I love you too.” Wille broke out into that tiny golden smile Simon loved to tease out and grabbed Simon’s hand.

The stares followed but Simon didn’t care. “Just two things left,” he said, “Get through this last day before break and then find whoever took that video.”

“And then?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet,”

Wille hummed and played with Simon’s as they settled at the doorway of their first class of the day, “You might want to work on your plans.”

“No, my plan only needs those two things.” Simon messied with Wilhelm’s hair and strolled into the classroom.

Wille followed after one hand fixing his hair, the other clutching at Simon’s hand, muttering, “Just two things?”

Just two things.

[vegetalass]

Veneno

its almost 5 am and i’ve been working on this for WEEKS and im sick of it!!!!! i think its the longest fic ive written in my life tbh...

I really wanted to play with the idea of a Sidestep who was manipulating herald, as I remember Malin mentioning multiple routes exploring a few different possibilities of treatments to the ROs. so this is my take on the manipulation theme!

partially inspired by my ex, who has a dumb nickname I never called him, and who once said to me “even if you can’t say it back, i’ll wait.” 

sorry for giving herald a cat. i was actually just describing mine lol. 

warning: contains Fallen Hero: Retribution spoilers, with sweets and drinking vice mentioned. 

HUGE thank you to @abyssopelagick and my friend GRUM!!!!!!! who i can honestly say i wouldn’t have been able to post without. ily both! 

FH:R belongs to @fallenhero-rebirth

Herald/gn!Reader - 2753 words

You knew it. You knew Herald used to be rich.

Maybe it was his perfect hair and blue eyes that gave it away, or the fact that he mentioned having a television as a kid. Maybe it was because he was so sweet and shy when you first met, that when you found the collection of pills beneath his bathroom counter when you went snooping through his stuff, that you realized you’d never even considered the fact that he’s probably never had to starve.

In retrospect, maybe it should’ve been a little more obvious after the first night you spent with him, and you should’ve taken better precautions to handle his delicate, loving nature, but so far you haven’t complained and you’re not about to start. Not only has everything worked out, but currently, you’re laying in the soft, old sheets of Herald’s bed, in his nice and clean apartment you can only describe as luxury.

Better than what you have. Better than what you had.

It makes you feel like a kid, the type with no concept for anything except longing. The kind of kid that reads books about bakers who sneak bread to dying girls, and blond princes who insist on liking someone their father hates.

And boy, does Herald like you.

He’s such a prim boy, if not just a sweet one. Kind, generous, loving, you name it. Anybody would be lucky to have him, and for now, that means you. The money is just a bonus, one that you could easily get used to.

Whether this has always the case, though, is another question. One that doesn’t matter much, because you find it’s just been nice to have been surprised as a telepath. Not to mention, you could always use the resources.

In some ways, it makes you want to laugh; to think that Herald knows nothing of your endeavors to kill him, and that all his good fortune can’t do a thing to stop you.

But in others, you feel like crying because he’s a boy who loves you and you have nothing left to offer in return.

You’ve decided not to mull on it. Because when he invites you to spend the night, and kisses you endlessly in that red-hot way, staying in his bed after is so comfortable and warm that it almost feels like the reason you don’t intend to get caught as a villain for a while.

So, you’ve been starting to come over to his place a lot recently.

It wasn’t intentional, your relationship with him. You always tried to tell him that it was Sidestep he was dreaming of, not this new you. But from the moment you let him kiss you on that day in HQ, and then later on that other night after your first date... it became harder and harder to stop yourself from growing quite… fond of him.

Even if it wasn’t planned.

Despite the mess that you’ve gotten tangled up in, in every possible way, it has been a really fun way to pass the time. Watching the way Herald dances around you as if you’re a breakable doll who’s done no wrong, even if he loves and trusts and admires you.

And the fact that you sometimes have emotional outbursts where you cry about disappointing him only adds to the effect of it all. It’s a risky but satisfying game, and even if part of it is genuine, you’re still a villain and have to remember the limits, though you don’t want to be evil all of the time. You might run out of luck.

Herald doesn’t know that, though. There’s actually a lot that he doesn’t.

Part of the fun is trying to guess how long you think all of this good might last. Because good things never last, do they?

But that’s no matter right now, and you shake your head from the thought, because the only person who has even dared to figure out your true nature is Herald’s cat, who hasn’t taken kindly to your presence since the start.

What a smart animal.

She’s a fat, old thing. A tabby, with piercing, green eyes. She was hiding on the first night you came over, probably busy licking herself and thinking that you were another romantic partner here to screw her Daniel over. She was right, but you just kept coming back.

Currently, she’s washing herself from her place on Herald’s dirty hoodie on the dresser across from you, looking up occasionally to hiss in what feels like a mocking, angry tone.

Re-Gene! Villain! I know what you’ve done, and you leave my Daniel out of it!

Tough shit, cat, though it’s still a shame she won’t let you pet her.

Not like you’re planning on moving out of bed, anyway.

It’s only in between your stints of dozing to the sound the sickly sounding auburn news anchor on the TV and mulling about whether sweets or a drink would taste better first, that you notice the approaching presence of Herald’s feather white aura growing closer, and realize that he must be in the building.

Even the now-napping cat seems to stir in acknowledgement before the both of you notice the sound of keys struggling in a locked door, as if you couldn’t try to pinpoint Herald’s exact location by entering his mind from your comfortable position with a little effort if you really wanted to try.

Immediately, the cat jumps from her comfortable perch to the floor, and rushes to the front door in an attempt to reach Herald halfway, get a scratch, and then rat you out as if he’d even listen if she could talk.

Either way, he’s home.

You can hear meows, and it’s easy to imagine how she tangles around his ankles as he squats to give her ears a good scritch. The pleasant imagery is interrupted too soon, though, as suddenly she yowls and you can hear the pit-pat of her feet as she rushes your way in her attempt to tattle on you.

“Oh, you,” you can hear him mutter at her as his footsteps echo in your direction before he hobbles into the room with a nasty limp. He looks about as close to someone who just got hit by a car and lived as someone possibly could, as his mess of gold hair is wind-blown and tangled, face bruised and dirty, and from the way his head is tilted down, must’ve been slouching for a while.

He looks... defeated, and you smile at the sight, hoping that you somehow look kind.

The cat continues to meow until Herald looks up, eyes widening in surprise when they finally meet your gaze, and despite his bad posture, or lack thereof from his aches, brightens immediately at your smile.

“Hi,” he breathes, finally standing up to throw his keys onto the little table resting by the door to his room.

“I wasn’t sure if I could let myself in-” You nod in his direction, before he interrupts you.

“Of course,” he blurts, almost too quickly, and then quickly looks away from your face when he finishes. “Always.”

You smile, feigning relief, even if you don’t really care.

Herald continues on, shuffling from where he’s standing to a dresser not far away, and you sit up in his bed to watch as he strips from his Ranger suit to reveal another handful of purple-blue wounds and scratches layered above his already scarred chest. He must be hurting.  

“Daniel...” you call to him in an attempt to seem worried, and he hums in acknowledgement, “Are you okay?”

He grunts, and in the silence that follows, the TV seems to grow louder in his place. You hadn’t realized that it switched from the weather special to a Los Diablos Breaking News! segment.

“Ranger spotted in successful attempt stopping local mob,” the smiling woman says, eyes blurred toward the camera as a clip of Herald handcuffing a man in a black jumpsuit takes over the screen.

You smile again because he’s a really good guy. A great one. And his fighting has been getting better.

Part of you wonders if it’s due to the fact that you’ve been training him, and the other part wonders if you should be worried. He’s always been someone who appears a lot weaker than he actually is. And you want to stoke the flame.

“You don’t have pull the tough guy act with me, Daniel,” you say to him, this time more forcefully.

You know he always notices when you use his real name, which is one of the reasons why you started using it. This time, you watch as he lowers the green shirt he’s been holding to his chest to look at you with those endless blue eyes and sigh wistfully.

“I get it, you know I do,” you try again, this time with the intent of at least getting him to open up.

You’re nervous, at first, scared of what he could say to you. That he knows you’re playing games, or that he doesn’t want you around anymore. But nothing has ever warranted this response in the past, so you wonder what’s happened to him to make him look at you like you just hit him over the head.

Ha.

You have hurt him. You even ruined one of his legs, but that was in the past, and it’s not like he knows that was you. If he did, you’d hope that he’d just be grateful enough to appreciate the fact that you didn’t kill him that night, too. He shouldn’t have any reason to look worried when you’ve just been here, lying in bed, silently waiting for him to join you, so you suppose you shouldn’t be worried either.

The TV speaks again.

“Impressive feat for the youngest member of the Rangers, who just under a year ago was taken down by the notorious Puppetmaster at their debut sighting.”

Herald is still paused, except this time, you notice his gaze has moved from you to the screen in front of him.

Though the news channel was initially spouting a success story, it’s no surprise that they’re now comparing Herald’s skills to when the both of you fought. It’s also not a surprise when the golden boy of the Rangers suddenly looks even smaller than before when he whips back around as to stop glaring at the news anchor as if she could even see him. You wonder what she would do if she could.  

You don’t speak.

“You know…” Herald starts, ignoring your previous words all together, “I’m worried about you.”

This doesn’t shock you, though not because you’re a telepath. He’s a naive boy, so of course he is worried, and because part of you cares about him in some twisted way, the good in you wishes that he wasn’t.

Worried or naive?

Both?

Deep down, you know he shouldn’t like you and you crave to tell him as such. To berate him, to beat it into him, to scream that he’s just a stupid, little boy in love with an animal who has a past he’d never understand. But it’s easy to stop yourself because you always do.

You hesitate to respond, but mutter back anyway. “Why?”  

You know he means it well, he means everything well, but the words come out harsher than you intended them to, and you quickly have to pat the spot next to you in bed to ensure that Herald thinks you’re not angry at him for simply… being him.

The little, sweet and young Sidestep that is still left in your heart is screaming to be kinder; telling you that you should just be happy that there is someone still cares for you and is able to show it. But there’s an ache in your heart, and suddenly the thought of both your past and your future make you feel like you have to get piss-shit drunk, puke all over yourself, and then immediately get heartburn.

So you decide to ignore the thought all together, and focus on the fact that Herald is now staring intently at you again. Only half-dressed (which is distracting), still, but staring nonetheless.

He tilts his face towards the ground to slouch once more, before whispering, “I just don’t want… them to come after you, too.”

“Oh, hush,” you say instantly, patting the bed again, before reaching out your arms for him to join you as he makes his way over. You know who he means, and the person already has.

You.

You are coming for yourself.

“Puppetmaster is growing very strong, when they learn you’re still around… they might-” He cannot finish the thought before he reaches the bed and ducks himself into your waiting arms.

You roll your eyes as you rest your cheek on his soft head. He really is a silly boy.

“I’ll be fine,” you say, into his hair, “I still have you, don’t I?”

He stays silent, so you continue the charade.

“You’re the one on the frontlines, so if anything, I’m the one who should be worried,” are your final words, before Herald cups your cheeks in his large palms in an attempt to kiss you. Before he makes it, however, you have to swat his face away because you can’t stop the laugh that bubbles deep from inside your chest at the realization of the situation.

Herald looks stunned, but smiles meekly in return when he decides you aren’t angry, and then laughs with you, even if he doesn’t get the joke.

“You’re silly, Daniel,” you say, settling with simplicity, because what do you say to the love who you’re lying to? What can you say, even if you kind of love them back?

But Herald, or maybe Daniel now (as you don’t much care which anymore), just blinks slow and smiles, content being held tightly in your arms.

You want to consider it strange, all this dedication to a person he doesn’t really know, this old Sidestep person, whoever they are, except that in a way, you realize, he does know you.

He knows the you that you have given him, this laughing kid, and in a sense, you truly believe that that’s not really you at all; because you just play this game too well, and he’s been wrapped around your finger from the start. You allowed for this, and you don’t want to say you regret it.

He’s a sweet boy. Always has been. And he never fails to surprise you.

“I love you,” he declares suddenly, voice quiet, sweet, and calming.

And you’re shocked. Not because you didn’t know that, but because you weren’t expecting to really care. And underneath his covers, everything seems three times as sweet. You weren’t expecting to be flattered, and there’s a part of you doesn't even mind. Another thing you could easily get used to. So responding is easy.

“Thank you, Daniel. I mean it.”

And he nods, still cuddled against your heart, your tattoos, looking at you like someone who could truly be loved. He is smiling all the while, too.

“Even if you can’t say it back, I’ll wait,” he says, lips barely curled, blue eyes sparkling.

It’s a nice gesture: this sudden, heartfelt proclamation, but you can’t say it’s one you deserve, as you have been so cruel to both him and yourself. Even though the Sidestep in you would rather jump off a roof, crash, and die before breaking his heart, you have long since realized that there is still a villain inside you that is hungry to laugh and cheer when Herald finds out who really tore him apart on that night at the museum.

You’d feel worse, but that day really was amazing. Finally making yourself proud, even at his expense.

However, the thought quickly escapes you, as this time, when he leans over to kiss you, you let him. His lips are warm on yours, and as you find your fingers tangled in his hair, for a second, it almost feels as though this relationship wasn’t built on a lie.  

“I know,” you respond, smiling sweetly at him for once, genuinely, because even if could change your behavior, you cannot help your pride, and you cannot help your heart.

And when you’re going to break his anyway, even though you know you should stop this mess, because a small part of you loves him, you might as well make sure it hurts.

[frangipanidownunder]

Bangs

Written for @leiascully‘s XF Writing Challenge Prompt: Hair. And for @baronessblixen who wanted it to be fluffy. I’m not sure it qualifies as that fluffy but it was fun to write.

Sunday 8.47am

She heard his voice, muffled and thick.

“Scully, you’d look good with bangs, I really think you’d look good with bangs.”

“What?”

The air in her mouth tasted like the worst autopsy she’d ever done. Her face was stuck to the pillow. Was it a pillow? She wasn’t sure.

“Bangs, Mulder?”

Saturday 8.39pm

The Bureau credit card was certainly a generous host. The drinks were fuller, tasted smoother, offered a better burn. The hotel bar afforded them a cosy nook with luxurious padded seats and a mahogany table so shiny she could see her own reflection.

“Did I tell you how handsome you look tonight, Mulder?”

“Several times, but I’m always happy to be indulged.”

“Well, let me tell you again. You look so sharp that all the vixens will be after you, Fox-y.”

“Are you a vixen, Scully?”

Saturday 11.56pm

The casino was a wild ride. She couldn’t lose. Mulder just stood with his arms folded wearing a lazy smirk.

           “When I said naughty, I didn’t mean fleecing punters, Scully,” he said, whispering into the point of her neck where it met her shoulders. Who does that?

           “What did you have in mind, then?” She linked her arm through his. “Lead on, MacFox.”

           “What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done, Scully?”

           The night air was humid, a warm wind drifting over them. He pulled her close and she pondered the question.

           “I could say that it was taking the assignment to spy on you, Mulder.”

           “But?”

           “That turned out to be the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I think the most daring thing we could ever do is doing something entirely for somebody else.”

           He stopped and pulled her into an embrace. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and she could feel his pulse against her cheek as she lay against his chest. “Let’s do something daring.”

Saturday 10.03pm

She knew she was being outrageously flirty but she couldn’t seem to muster up enough fucks to give. He was lapping it up. He’d managed to shift himself closer to her so that their legs were pressed hard together. His hand rested on her thigh, sliding the fabric of her dress up and down in a maddeningly suggestive rhythm. She let the Champagne bubbles pop and fizz on her tongue. When was the last time she’d drunk the real stuff?

           “Scully, your hair is this amazing burnished copper colour tonight, I mean, it’s like the fire inside of you is emanating from within and bursting out of your head to light up your aura.”

           “What the fuck, Mulder? Is that supposed to be a come on?”

           He pouted. And for an awkward moment she was mortified. Like was he actually serious? Was that Mulder hitting on her? She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Saturday 11.21pm

She really shouldn’t have had that last glass of brandy. Not after she’d already had the other two that were going to be the last glass of brandy. But crazy people can be very persuasive. She knew that. And he smiled at her when he loosened his tie. He was draped across the crimson velvet upholstery of the booth, swirling the fiery liquid in his glass. She watched his lips as he sipped the drink. The way his upper eyelashes brushed his lower eyelashes. His fingers, so elegant, clasped around the crystal-cut. What was that Eagles lyric? He was brutally handsome. Was she terminally pretty? Maybe.

“Want to do something naughty, Scully?”

Life in the fast lane.

Sunday 2.07am

They fused, they sparked, they flamed. She watched his chest as it shone and rippled below her. He held his breath but he kept his eyes on her and she loved him so hard in that moment that her lungs compressed and her heart stopped.

           After, she fell beside him. His eyes were wide, glistening. His lips cherry-red stained. His smile lazy and sated.

Saturday 10.05pm

He blushed and she held her breath. “I’ve never been any good at this stuff, Scully. I just…I’ve always…what I mean is…”

           She picked up his hand and pressed her lips to the soft skin on the back. “Just say it, Mulder.”

           “I love your hair, Scully. I always have. It’s the most beautiful shade of red and the way it frames your face is perfection.” His voice was breathy.

           She licked her lips. “I like your hair, too, Mulder.” What the hell?

           He had the decency to chuckle. “Remember when I had bangs?”

           “That cute little floppy fringe that wouldn’t behave? Of course, I do. I always wanted to brush out of your face.”

           “And now I don’t have a fringe for you to brush away. Does that make you sad, Scully?”

           “There’s no reason to live now, Mulder.” She waited a beat before she collapsed into giggles, falling into him.

Sunday 12.11am

The place he chose was weirdly cold, dank in places, fluoro-bright in others. She should have turned right back round and walked out onto the warm and welcoming street. But he wore that expression of his, the one that burned with desire and an intensity so powerful that she shuddered with the  urge to shed her G-woman soul and step into that sultry, daring spirit-being she kept pushing away.

“I like this one,” he said.

“So do I.”

“What will you be doing?”

“Something for you,” she said, winking.

Sunday 2.58am

She kissed the Malin arrow that darted across his pectoral. “Why did you pick this one?”

           “The story goes that you have to face setbacks before you can move on.”

           She kissed him again, deeper and deeper. His fingers clutched at her neck and gently, slowly he rolled her on to her back. He brushed the fringe away from her forehead and she pulled him forward.

           “Fuck!”

           “Oh, Mulder. I’m sorry!” She pushed him back and watched as he looked down at his tattoo.

When he grinned, she straddled him. “Let’s move on, Mulder.”

[useyourrwords]

Month in Review // I FINALLY CHANGED MY NAME – February

You are officially reading the post of someone legally named Greyson and I am so fucking happy!

So obviously February was a bit of a landmark month for me and boy was it packed! And March looks to well an truly have earned the name Adelaide uses for it, March Madness.

          Introducing The Structured TBR

Last month I introduced my new structured TBR! So here is a quick overview for those who want to follow along.

Must Read

  5 books a month

 1 backlist ARC, if I have any 

 Read new ARCS ON TIME 

 2 owned backlist books 

 3 diverse books 

 10 entries from Rejected Princesses

 5 entries from Bygone Badass Broads

Allowances

 1 library book in either physical, ebook and 1 graphic novel format 

Month’s TBR

│Unbroken Anthology││

│The Boneless Mercies││

│Sadie││

│The Raven Boys││

│The Dream Thieves││

│Blue Lily, Lily Blue││

│The Raven King││

│Yaa Asantewaa│Mary Bowser│Nwanyeruwa│Nana Asma’u│Nanny of the Maroons│Agontime and the Dahomey Amazons│Josephine Baker│Nzinga Mbande│Arawelo│Ida B. Wells│Rejected Princesses││

│Queen Arawelo│Stagecoach Mary Fields│Sarah Breedlove AKA Madam C. J. Walker│Alice Ball│Nwanyeruwa│Lorraine Hansberry│Bygone Badass Broads││

So I knew when making my TBR last month that I probably wasn’t to get to all of these but wanted to see how I would go for my first structured TBR and I’m not entirely disappointed.

     Read

│Unbroken Anthology│Marieke Nijkamp│││││3.5★│Read Feb 4│

I wanted more from this one and it never quite got there.

│The Raven Boys│The Raven Cycle #1│Maggie Stiefvater││││││★★★★★│Read Feb 15│

Love love love! Even better the second time. You should see how many tabs I used. It’s going to take me forever to log all the quotes I marked.

I’ve linked my original review but I might do a new one at some point. .

│The Boneless Mercies│April Genevieve Tucholke││││││★★★│Read Feb 18│

Uh this was fine. It was entertaining and I loved the whole women seeking glory thing but it could have been more engaging. This is a really journey heavy book and those just aren’t my cup of tea.

│Queen Arawelo│Stagecoach Mary Fields│Sarah Breedlove AKA Madam C. J. Walker│Alice Ball│Nwanyeruwa│Lorraine Hansberry│Bygone Badass Broads│Mackenzi Lee││││Read Feb 7│

│Yaa Asantewaa│Mary Bowser│Nwanyeruwa│Nana Asma’u│Nanny of the Maroons│Agontime and the Dahomey Amazons│Josephine Baker│Nzinga Mbande│Arawelo│Ida B. Wells│Rejected Princesses│Jason Porath││││Read Feb 16│

Really glad that I’m using this year to finally read these two books and so far I am loving learning about 15 different women from history a month!

│The Dream Thieves│The Raven Cycle #2│Maggie Stiefvater││││││

So I kinda got into a bit of a slump at the end of the month and it really isn’t this books fault and is entirely because I’m not giving myself down time to do “pointless” fun things.

│Skylarks│Karen Gregory│││││

│The Surface Breaks│Lousie O’Neill│││││

Book of the Month

│Sadie│Courtney Summers│││││★★★★★│Read Feb 14│

This book is fucking brilliant. Like God has blessed us and her name is Courtney Summers and it’s just so fucking good.

│Average Rating: 4.1★│ 3│

Structured TBR Pass or Fail?

│Must Read:  4/5│ 1/1│ 0/0│ 1/2│ 4/3│ 10/10│ 6/5│

│Allowances:  2/1 P or EB | 0/1 GN│ 

This month was a bit of a fail but I expected as much as I have only just started to implement it! I knew I’d have a few kinks to work out as I went!

I didn’t quite reach my 5 book goal and I didn’t read 2 owned backlist books.

I also read 2 Physical/Ebook library loans so that broke the rules too.

Next month I’m going to bring my library loan all together so I can only read 1 physical book or one ebook or one graphic novel to make room for my backlist.

I’m also planning on adding audiobooks!

Past Grey Reads

 Book Review // Everything Leads To You – A Quite Love Story

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

        Film & TV

Month’s TBW

│On The Basis of Sex││

│The Favourite││

│Drag Race All Stars│Season 4││

│Jessica Jones│Season 2││

│The Young Pope│Season 1││

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││

│One Day At A Time│Season 3││

│I Am The Night│Season 1││

     Watched

│The Favourite││2018│ Yorgos Lanthimos│ Olivia Colman, Emma Stone, Rachel Weisz │★★★★★│

This was so fucking funny and just good.

So there’s a little story time for this that I’ll get into further down the post.

│Drag Race All Stars│Season 4││2012│ RuPaul│RuPaul, Michelle Visage│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★│

Fave One-liner This Season: “Yeah, well some of us don’t have to force story-lines to get air time” -Farrah Moan.

I am so mad at that ending, don’t talk to me. Also I was really hoping RuPaul would not be a judge on the new UK edition of Drag Race and I am nothing but disappointed.

this is my new fave drag race gif

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││2013│ Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur│ Andre Braugher, Andy Samberg, Stephanie Beatriz│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

This is great. I am actually all caught up! I really loved the episode that focused on Jake and Rosa solving an impossible case.

│One Day At A Time│Season 3││2017│ Gloria Calderon Kellett, Mike Royce│ Justina Machado, Todd Grinnell, Isabella Gomez│★★★★★│

I started watching this with mum and then binge watched the rest by myself and then got my aunt to watch the first two episodes of season 1 and then started watching the rest of season 3 with mum again.

│I Am The Night│Season 1││2019│ Patty Jenkins│ Chris Pine, India Eisley, Jefferson Mays│★★★★│

So I did start this but I’ve not been great and keeping up with new episodes…

I’m excited to see how it continues though!

│The Umbrella Academy│Episode 1││2019│ Jeremy Slater│ Ellen Page, Tom Hopper, David Castañeda │★★★★★│

This was a wild ride and I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.

│The Girl King││year│ Mika Kaurismäki│ Malin Buska, Sarah Gadon, Michael Nyqvist │★★★★★│

I mean at this point I might as well be on a hunt for sapphic royalty.

It was a bit made-for-tv-movie for me but I still enjoyed it.

│Russian Doll│Episode 1││2019│  Leslye Headland, Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler│ Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee│★★★★│

I had no idea what was happening but It was fun and I’m hoping to get to the rest of the season at some point.

│The Bold Type│Season 1││2017│ Sarah Watson│ Katie Stevens, Aisha Dee, Meghann Fahy│★★★★★│

I started this on the very last day of the month because I was anxious and sad and needed something to calm me down and make me happy… Or so I thought.

What I actually needed was a cathartic watch of women kicking ass and tackling lots of issue and to just cry and cry and cry which is exactly what I got from The Bold Type and I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!

     Music

Mostly I’ve just be listening to music I can belt out and cry…

│Dodie│Sick of Losing Soulmates│Monster│Human│She│Burned Out│Secret For the Mad│

│Troye Sivan│i’m so tired…│

│Noah Cyrus│Mad At You│Sadness│Good Cry│

│Julia Michaels│Anxiety feat. Selena Gomez│Happy│Deep│What a Time feat. Nail Horan│

│Lauren Jauregui│Expectations│

│Billie Ellish│idontwannabeyouanymore│lovely w/ Khalid│when the party’s over│

│Ruin My Life│Zara Larsson│

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Use Your Words Highlights

 2019 Ahead // It’s Twentybiteen, You Ready?

 January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

 February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

 Tag // The Library Lover’s Book Tag – I Am a Library Fiend

     Blogosphere Highlights

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│Opinion: Withdrawing My Support of ‘Woman in the Window’ & AJ Finn Is Creepy AF.│True Crime Tuesday: The San Francisco Witch Killers│

│Lauren @ Northern Plunder│Announcing Blogs & Tea | Online blogger help group│

│Rain @ BOOKDRAGONISM│HOW TO CONQUER YOUR TBR PILE IN SIX (OR SEVEN) WAYS│

│Destiny @ Howling Libraries│BEST OF 2018: HORROR│

│Jamieson @ Jamishelves│some of my favourite tropes in books│BOOK TAG (ORIGINAL): Books I WANT to read, but don’t want to READ│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│Heroine by Mindy McGinnis: A Harrowing Tale About Addiction│Ace Reading Recommendations from An Arm and A Meg! │The Ultimate YA Romance Reading Recommendation List: 80+ Romances to Fall In Love With This Valentine’s Day!│

│May @ Forever And Everly│Discussing Blogger Appreciation and the Lack of It: Analyzing Answers, Stats, and Graphs From a Survey I Made!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│HOW TO: OUTLINE A BLOG POST│MY 10 STEP GUIDE TO GROWING YOUR BLOG│

│Marie @ Drizzle & Hurricane Books│HOW TO STAY POSITIVE WHILE BOOK BLOGGING│

│Marija @ Inside My Library Mind│The 5 Star Rating System: Why It Does (Not) Work and How I Rate Books│

│Kelly @ Just Another Book in the Wall│MY CONVERSION TO AUDIOBOOKPHILIA // FIRST LISTENING EXPERIENCE AND SURPRISES│THE VALUE OF TEEN VOICES IN THE BOOK BLOGGING COMMUNITY + PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT!│

│Shealea @ Shut up, Shealea│21 SAPPHIC ROMANCES THAT’LL MAKE YOUR HEART SOFT ON VALENTINE’S DAY│

│Swetlana @ The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│My Goodreads TBR Has 12 Books On It – Here’s Why│6 Reasons Why YOU Should Watch One Day At A Time│

│CW @ The Quiet Pond│Collab: Balancing Book Blogging and Life│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Cut Adverbs for Stronger Writing // & When It’s Okay to Use Them│

│Kat @ Novels and Waffles│Stand Out Above The Crowd // 4 Ways To Make Your Free WordPress.com Theme Look Different From Everybody Else’s│My Branding Journey + Four Questions To Ask Yourself While Rebranding // ft. A Free Downloadable Checklist│How in the World I Make My Graphics // A Step-By-Step Tutorial│I Font It That Way // How to Choose the Right Font for Your Blog│By Any Other Name // 5 Steps That Will Help You Choose An Awesome Blog Name (ft. A Free Worksheet!)│This is The End // Q & A Session + A Secret Reveal│

Past Month In Review

 Month in Review // November – I Already Hate Christmas

 Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

 January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

Month’s Goals

 Start floor exercises

 Start regularly going for 40-minute walks

 Read 5-7 books

 Get my mental health plan

 Book a therapy session

 Service my car

 Get a massage from mum

 Try and take a mental health day

 Have my name change official!!!!!!

I know I did terribly but I kind of took a mental health weekend. I mean I worked both days but I just relaxed and didn’t go for my walks because I have a bad blister and I think my body just needed the break.

I Left the House

I had to get my car serviced on 7/2 and seeing as I can’t really rely on anyone to help me out and mum was working I had to drop off my car and then find a way to kill time without a car for several hours. So I decided to use my free birthday movie ticket and caught a train to the nearest cinema for that chain.

Two main positives from the whole adventure:

I took public transport for the first time in years and didn’t have an anxiety attack.

The Favourite was amazing.

And then I got my car back from the service and they told me everything that was wrong with it and how much it was going to cost and so that was no great and there were some tears and a panic attack but I don’t know. Hopefully I can work it out.

I was only 80 steps away from hitting 14000 steps on 12/2 so I’m very proud of that!

I Socialised

On 14/2 my aunt came to stay with use for a few days while my cousin was busy having her baby only 5 minutes away from us. In hospital. I feel like I need to clarify that… It’s my cousin’s second baby, he didn’t come until 16/2 I’m pretty sure, and he’s pretty cute I have to admit and hes very calming to be around like my nephew who’s birthday is only a couple of days before.

Speaking of my nephew. It was his birthday 14/2 see we visited him and hes walking around and his whole personality is changing now that he can run around and he’s just so cute I die a little every time I see him. I can’t believe he’s 1 already!

While my aunt was down she made mum and I dinner and cheesecake (15/2)!!!! The dinner was surf and turf which I’ve never had before and it was delicious! and the cheesecake she made from scratch, only going off what flavours I wanted, WITHOUT A RECIPE. My mum nearly died when she was told that. It was so good and I desperately want more… So basically now I have to try and visit her once a month just so I can have cheesecake.

I Did Things

I made myself some protein oat cups (19/2) from scratch WITHOUT a recipe and they’re actually really good considering I had no idea what the fuck I was doing???? It was also the day I officially got my new birth certificate and my name change was complete!!!!!! now I just have to do all the hard part which is changing everything. 

On 22/2 I cried and literally have no idea why. Like there wasn’t anything that triggered it…I just cried. I really need to book a therapy session…

On 25/2 I decided I needed to play the sims and then wasted basically a whole day because some of my mods/ccs were broken and so I was having to figure out which ones it was to get rid of them.

26/2 I actually got to play the sims and I just really needed it??? I also changed my licence over to my new name!!!

On the 27/2 I decided to open a new bank account with a different bank because I haven’t been that happy with my current one for a while. But i didn’t have enough points of ID yet so I can’t access the account…and I didn’t discover that until after I already gave the details to my work so thats where I was paid so that was NOT. GREAT. Thank god my mum could help me out with money until I paid again (hopefully in my old account until I get my new licence in the mail otherwise I’m??? Kinda?? Fucked???

So basically the 28/2 was me crying and fighting anxiety attack while on the phone trying to find SOME way to access my own money… It did not work… I hopefully it is all worked out next week but also I’m not holding my breath.

Past Month Ahead

 Month Ahead // December – I Already Hate It

 Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

 February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

Outro

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

│Blog│Goodreads│Instagram│Twitter│Tumblr│

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