#malex kiss

[justlightlysedated]

9 for Malex

9…in public

They've only been back in Roswell for about four hours, and Alex is already wondering what would be the best way to convince his husband to go on a second extended honeymoon.

It's not that he didn't miss his house, and his friends. He's just not ready to share Michael's attention with anyone after nearly a year of it being focused entirely on him.

Alex is sitting in one of the back booths in the Pony, holding his half-empty, lukewarm bottle of beer to his cheek as he stares at Michael, leaning against the bar talking animatedly to Bonnie. Their friends are scattered all over the bar, and Alex could be talking to someone else, busy catching up himself, but instead he'd declined Kyle's offer to play pool and had just stayed sitting in the booth, surrounded by empty glasses, waiting for Michael to come back.

Which doesn't take much longer, even though Alex feels like it's been forever. Bonnie gets distracted with a customer, and Michael's eyes sweep across the room, looking for him, and finding him exactly where he left him.

Alex doesn't bother to hide the fact that he's been staring at him the entire time.

Michael smiles and then hits the bar twice, a code for see you later, before he pushes away from the bar and makes his way back to Alex. 

Alex watches his approach with interest, eyes never straying away as he gets closer. He puts the bottle down on top of the table and turns to Michael who slides into the booth right next to him, mouth open like he's about to say something, but Alex is sliding into his space, touching his fingers to Michael's cheek, and pressing a kiss to Michael's bottom lip.

Michael makes an aborted sound at the back of his throat, but lifts his hands to frame Alex's jaw, kissing him back immediately.

Alex smiles which separates their mouths momentarily. Michael makes a protesting sound and slides his hands to the back of Alex's neck, kissing him again. 

Alex melts into the kiss, wrapping one arm around Michael's shoulders to pull him in even closer and sliding his other hand through Michael's hair.

Michael kisses him, deep and wet, licking into his mouth in a way that is not suited for public consumption, not that Alex actually cares about what's suitable to do in public.

Michael pulls away slowly, a satisfied curl to his mouth, and Alex just tugs him back into another kiss, just as deep and all consuming as Michael's.

When he pulls away, Michael's eyes are glazed, and his lips are parted.

Alex smiles, moving his hand to rub his fingers down Michael's throat.

"What was that for?" Michael asks, voice low as he drops his forehead to Alex and slides his hands down to wrap his arms around Alex's back.

"I missed you," Alex says.

"That's disgusting," Isobel pronounces as she drops down to sit across from them.

Alex ignores her, "Wanna get out of here?"

Michael smiles widely, opening his mouth, but Isobel cuts in once again.

"Um, no," she answers for Michael. "You've had him all to yourself for a year Manes. It's time to share."

"Guerin," both Michael and Alex correct her, giving her the same exasperated look before turning back to each other.

"Two more hours," Michael responds. "I promised Valenti I'd kick his ass all over the pool table."

"No way," Isobel cuts in again. "We made plans for the whole night."

Michael is giving Alex a pleading expression, and Alex hums, displeased.

"What are the chances that I can convince you to take a second extended honeymoon?" Alex asks.

Michael's eyes scrunch up with glee as he smiles while Isobel starts to protest. "We've only been back for four hours."

Alex nods his head, "Yes, and I think that's enough family time."

Michael laughs and kisses him again before he slides out of Alex's hold, grabbing Isobel's hand and tugging her away towards the pool tables.

Alex sighs as he watches him go.

[thena0315]

Kisses under Falling Water 💋🌧️

[igetboredandmakeart]

[bekkachaos]

you painted all my nights

Malex | G | 531

I literally don't know what this is but I just watched the pilot again and I had some feelings, okay?

Michael had entered Alex's orbit when they were teenagers. From that moment, he had been stuck there, unable to do anything other than rotate around him.

At first it was hesitant, afraid to get too close to the unknown and foreign kindness that Alex gave him. Still, he couldn't look away. He couldn't stop himself from going to him.

Some people would call it an addiction, and maybe it was, that's kind of what it felt like, but it was more. It was a force, earthly or otherworldly, it was a set of invisible strings tied from one to the other and tugging tight when the distance grew too great between them.

He'd been locked up when Alex left for war, and though he never said goodbye, Michael knew the moment he boarded that plane, it felt like his chest was being compressed into the bars, sucking the air out of his chest and constricting his heart inside it.

And that never really went away, he had just learned to live with it, tried to deny what it was when in reality, he knew exactly why his heart never felt whole.

Seeing him again all these years later, it was like Michael could feel his gravity, pulling him in like a physical force. He could feel it in his stomach, he could feel it tugging below his navel and only letting up when we was close enough to notice all the lines on his face, take in his familiar scent, marvel in the astounding beauty of him.

They were two polar points of a magnet, they couldn't be more different, but the pull between them grew stronger the closer they became.

And then they were alone in an empty room, and Alex's lips were drawing him back in. He had spent ten years ignoring the persistent pull in his chest, learning how to live with it, trying to convince himself that this is what it meant to feel normal.

Kissing Alex would be the worst mistake he could make, an irreparable decision that there was no turning back from. A crash landing back into a kind of love he had been searching for in every empty bed he could find for ten years. Back to seeing colours that made all the others in the world turn to pale grey.

But you can't fight gravity.

And Michael couldn't ignore the pull of Alex's lips, or the way his heart came roaring back to life as they met with the spark of a decade of lost touches. The strings between them impossibly short and yet the tugging on his heart didn't leave him, only instead of aching it blossomed into something that was more than a feeling, more than he could describe.

As his fingers traced the shape of Alex under them, it all came back stronger than when they were seventeen, all the passion of that summer love with the desperation and need of two halves of a soul that had been longing to reunite.

Michael didn't know how to let go of that feeling. It was other worldly, cosmically unfamiliar, yet nothing else had ever come close to feeling like home.

[bisexualalienss]

first day of my life came on shuffle. 1000 dead

[ar1mas]

theres many and i dont remember much. but from recent events it's the 1st on screen malex kiss and the 1st malec kiss. they get me every time, from the lighting, to the music, to the desperateness of it. theyre beautiful.

what, in your opinion, is the best onscreen kiss of all time??? not so much in a ‘this is my otp so i love their first kiss’ kind of way. as in, what’s the kiss you look at - whether it be bc of the soundtrack or the setting or the outfit choice or the leadup or the symbolism - and you think, that is a Damn good kiss?????

[pastelwitchling]

Malex smut.

***

              Michael smiled against the crook of Alex’s neck as his husband writhed beneath him, Michael buried to the hilt inside him.

              “M-Michael,” he stammered, breathless and red as Michael squirmed enough that the head of his cock brushed Alex’s prostate, but he didn’t move. He didn’t thrust or pound Alex into the bed, he just stayed buried, brushing Alex’s sweet spot as his husband turned damp beneath him, his back arched, his nails carving into Michael’s biceps.

              “You’re so gorgeous like this,” Michael breathed, nuzzling Alex’s jaw, his chin, his cheek. “Naked and sweaty and mine.”

              “Michael –”

              “Spread your legs more.”

              Alex bit his lower lip, but complied, pushing his legs further apart.

              Michael kissed his ear and in a voice like gravel, said, “Good boy.” Alex shivered against him, whimpering as he hugged his shoulders, clinging to him.

              Michael couldn’t believe how lucky he was. He couldn’t believe that he alone got to have Alex like this; vulnerable and wanting and pleading.

              Squirming again, Michael gave him the barest of thrusts, and Alex gasped, arching his back, eager for whatever Michael would give him.

              Michael caught his face in one hand. He bit Alex’s lower lip and tugged, then licked the bite mark. “Who do you belong to?”

              Alex looked like he was struggling to breathe. Michael loved it. “You.”

              Michael rewarded him with another thrust, long and deeper and harder. “Who do you worship?”

              “You.”

              Another thrust.

              Michael chuckled breathlessly against his jaw, inhaling the smell of his sweat as Alex moaned.

              “You feel so good,” Michael huffed, his heart hammering. “I’m not gonna last long like this.”

              Alex whimpered. “Please.”

              Michael admired Alex’s stubble against his fingers, the flush of Alex’s cheeks, the unshed tears in his eyes as pleasure overtook every single one of his senses. He was safe here, and he knew he was safe here. That was Michael’s favorite part. How vulnerable Alex was only in Michael’s arms because he knew Michael would destroy the world before he let it hurt a hair on Alex’s head.

              “Tell me you love me,” Michael huffed against his ear.

              Without a moment’s hesitation, Alex breathed, “More than anything.”

              Michael’s heart hammered for a completely different reason at the promise in Alex’s voice, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He drew back and thrusted into Alex with a loud slap. It took two more thrusts before they were both coming harder than they had in days.

              As they lay panting afterwards, Michael’s body halfway on top of Alex’s as their chests heaved, Alex ran his hands up and down Michael’s back, his eyes shut. “You enjoy torturing me way too much.”

              Michael grinned and bit into Alex’s shoulder, making him hiss. “My dick has a price.”

              Alex huffed a chuckle, which quickly turned into a laugh. Michael couldn’t look away. Tracing his husband’s jaw, he shook his head. “Your smile is unreal. Have I ever told you that?”

              Alex’s laughter faded from his lips, but not from his eyes as he turned to look at Michael’s face. “Once or twice. A week.”

              “It’s true.”

              Alex poked his ribs. “You’re unreal.”

              Michael bit his lower lip, and leaned in, thrusting his hip against Alex’s thigh. His cock was already hardening again, and Alex burst into laughter.

              “You really are unreal! Don’t you get tired?”

              “Not of you,” Michael said, like it was obvious, already moving to hover over his giggling husband. "Never of you."

***

Happy Malex Monday ❤️

[eusuntgratie]

wip wednesday on thursday bc i do what i want 😘

haven't shared in a while bc i haven't had time to write but i appreciate all the tags so i'm gonna share a few little snippets of a few things i'm working on. tags below the cut!

guess who tripped and fell into a new fandom? oops. y'all gotta scroll past some 🏳️‍🌈👽 before you get to any rwrb-adjacent words 😏

malex bartender au (roswell new mexico) - hopefully posting soon!

Alex is covering the bar for Maria when he gets stuck, bottle of tequila hovering in between the bar and the glass he’s supposed to be pouring it in. He works hard not to notice people, notice men, but the most beautiful man he’s ever seen is walking into the bar and it's impossible to look away.

malexa 2x06 canon divergence, starting with maria waking up the next morning

Maria wakes up with a crick in her neck. One of her arms is asleep and she’s got a pleasant ache in her thighs.  She's warm, and the bone-deep fear that's been trying to suffocate her for weeks has abated. She takes a deep breath and keeps her eyes squeezed shut when she remembers why.

me? already writing rpf from my new fandom? GASP! please pretend to be shocked - vlamburn + a third i can't decide if i want to keep mysterious or not bc everyone who reads them would know who she is anyway i think?

“Kiss him,” she tells Michael, who finally tears his gaze from Tyler’s face to ask, “why?”.  “Because I wanna see.”  She nods and smiles when Tyler searches her face, looking a little panicked. But then Michael is leaning in close, wrapping his big hand around Tyler’s pretty neck and pulling him in and kissing him like he’s starving for it. Tyler moans and she’s so fucking wet she could shove Tyler out of the way and sit on Michael’s dick right here in front of him, but she keeps still, and watches. The way Michael pulls him closer, the way Tyler’s fingers twitch near his waist.

a little cuck fic update (sensing a pattern? don't worry about it) - taynick, disaster verse

Nick catches himself leaning forward, trying to chase Taylor’s mouth and his touch. He hears a sharp, “stay,” that rocks all the way through him and he slams himself back in the chair. He gets a barely perceptible nod for his efforts. He tries not to think about what he could do to elicit a bigger reaction. He drags in a breath and refocuses on Taylor. At a small gesture Nick barely notices, Taylor bends over the bed again. He is so fucking beautiful. Nick’s not sure he’s ever had the chance to just take him in like this. He’s always so desperate to get his hands on him when they’re alone.

alright that's enough snippets... hopefully i'll be able to get some things finished in the next few months! i miss writing! let me know what you think; i need all the motivation i can get.

thank you for the tags sunday and wednesday!

@catdadacd @firstprincehornyramblings @thesleepyskipper @basil-bird @sparklepocalypse

@thinkof-england @taste-thewaste

tagging @lostcol @bigassbowlingballhead @onward--upward for alien reasons 😘🛸

[justlightlysedated]

kinda wish that ppl would bring the same energy to male love interests of bi male characters as they do to female love interests

[vintagelacerosette]

Wednesday tag game

Hiii darling angelpies! I am here on timeish 😆

I was tagged by these dazzling sweethearts Nosho @creepkinginc Mel @gardenerian Evie @energievie Deanna @deedala Kat @ mybrainismelted Julia @blue-disco-lights Al @spookygingerr Jessica @guinguin1984

How did you get into the fandom?

Like a lot of us 😆 I saw a fan edit of Mickey & Ian on YouTube (I can't find it again even when I've searched my history 😭) I was kinda in between fandoms at the time with Malex from Roswell New Mexico but they were broken up at the time & buddie lol.

But then I was shot through the heart when I went through the gallavich tag & it felt like home 🥰

How long have you been here?

I was lurking at the end of 2021 & the first official time I contributed to this darling fandom in Feb 2022 with gallacrafts 💝

What's the first fandom channel you found? (youtube, reddit, tumblr, insta, twitter, FB, other?)

Here on tumblr babeeeyy

What's your favourite now?

Still tumblr but I wish I was better on discord 😅 I get overwhelmed & don't wanna talk over ppl 😔

Which mutual have you known the longest in the fandom?

Oh my goodness I had no idea but my longest mutual is the always spectacular Calli @callivich 🥰🩵💙 woooww!!

Which tumblerinos did you have your first fandom crush(es) on and wanted to get to know?

Y'all have to understand you are all unbelievably swoon worthy & there's only so many ppl I can tag in one post (damn you tagging limit 😣)

Ok, so definitely have a big crush on Deena @suzy-queued & to see smitten feeling is mutual got me

GIF by theresaphoenixinmyboot

Alice @darthvaders-wife Jane @captainjowl Mitch @psychicskulldamage when we became mutuals I squealed bc how much talent??

Jenna @ianrightsonly & Kay @goodkwuestion their fics changed me

Also, Benja @svltburn | Nosho | Vey @look-i-love-u Macy @heymacy Julissa @heymrspatel Jo @jomilky Harvey @mikhailoisbaby Georgia @iansw0rld Molly @deathclassic Stas @messedwithmandy Howl @howlinchickhowl Michelle @michellemisfit | Deanna | LJ @ofalltheginjoints Sam @sam-loves-seb Face @ burninface | Calli | AJ @ clingymickey Mills @gallavichsbitch Leah @whatwouldmickeydo

Also Jay!! You've left but gave me butterflies 🦋

Pls I kind hate this question! I've come to the conclusion I have a crush on you all OK?? 😭

This is why I make y'all Valentine's

First gallavich fan fic you read (or that blew you away that you remember)?

By the magnificent Kay The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Ian Gallagher!!! OH MY GOSH JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS FIC MAKES ME FEEL ELATED & FERAL!!! It's my favourite piece of written work & I need my non gallavich ppl to read it so I can scream into their faces how much I love it 🥰🩷🩷🩷

First fan art that blew your mind?

Seriously, Deena's gallacrafts & art always take my breath away!!! Like the artistry & creativity?? I wanna get to your level 🥰

It's three dimensional & has twinkling lights ✨️ I was astounded & my jaw literally dropped 😍

All of Alice's art especially my commissioned art 🩷

Also, Mitch's comic I stared at it forever like Ian's eyes reflecting Mick's booty 🍑👀

Fanfic trope that you were sure wasn't for you but now you low key (or high key) love?

I have read some pretty freaky & nasty fic bc of curiosity, so I nothing really gave me icks in tropes, but in writing style, I got turned around with Jen @wehangout with second person POV. You're so talented that I really enjoyed them when I would nope out before 😆

What surprised you most about this fandom?

Everything surprised me about this fandom bc it was my first one!! 😆 I didn't really know how to do tumblr & didn't really get how to interact. So I used tumblr like a sticker book, then came learning tags & so ppl reached out to me which helped me gain confidence haha

This is kinda a golden standard fandom. So welcoming, loving & encouraging!! If I ever dabble in another fandom, imma have a high standard bc I've been spoiled by y'all! ILY

Moment in the show (or YT vids if you're one of those) that you fell in hyperfixation with gallavich?

It was the "I'm fucking gay" scene to the "Guess what we've been doing daddy" The way he humps the car with all that conviction & screaming "he fucking loves it".

Everything clicked & I was like "Damn I love this fictional man." He is my favourite character of all time & this ship is my OTP & GOAT.

Also I love this edit too. It gives me chills

Ian or Mickey?

Mickey, but holy shit I love them both

Which gallagher or milkovich are you?

I took a page from @/guinguin1984 & did some quizzes & I got Fiona Ian Fiona Debbie not of them feel right ahaha

I guess Fiona bc I had her twice 😅

Consider yourself tagged if I have a crush on you or mentioned you. Also tagging these sunshines & if you wanna do it too, have at it 💛🥰

@lingy910y @mickittotheman @doshiart @crossmydna @y0itsbri @7x10mickey @whatthebodygraspsnot @ms-moonlight-inn @mmmichyyy @sickness-health-all-that-shit @kiinard @transmickey @gallawitchxx @sleepyheadgallavich @rereadanon @whaticameherefor @darlingian @andthatisnotfake @ian-galagher @francesrose3

[bangpop91]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by the wonderful and fabulously talented @cliophilyra

1. How many fics on AO3?

57

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

357,820

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently it's predominantly 9-1-1, but I also write for 9-1-1 Lone Star, and used to write for Roswell New Mexico.

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

Sipping Him Like Whiskey

For this Child I Have Prayed

A Contractual Kiss

Growing Pains

Stay With Me

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes. I don't my best to

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I generally as a rule of thumb make sure my angst riddled stories end on a happy or at least hopeful note.

But my WIP Carry On My Wayward Son, which should be completed some time this week will be my angstiest ending

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ohhhhh. That is a hard one. Really that would probably be every story in the Bedtime Stories Series

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Once on a rare pair fic. I deleted the hate and went on my merry way. It was properly tagged so there was no point arguing with someone who was mad I wrote this Flint/Kyle story.

9. Do you write Smut?

Absolutely! I write all kinds. Soft and sweet, emotional, humorous, kinky.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Technically? I have written 911 and 911 lone star into most of my stories even if it is just Easter eggs of the other show.

Otherwise, I'm open to it just haven't found the right inspiration to yet.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to the best of my knowledge. I'm not where near that popular of a fan fic author for anyone to steal my stories.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated.

I have not! I'd be extremely honored though if anyone ever wanted to translated my work though.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

@girlwonder-writes and I have something in the works! I am very excited about it!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

This is like asking which of my children are my favorite 😂. My original ship from way back when I was just starting to make my way into fandom was Gemma Doyle/Felicity Worthington from The Gemma Doyle Trilogy. But I also have fallen in love with a great many other ships over the years. These days, Malex, Lizobel, and Flint/Kyle from Roswell New Mexico still hold a special place in my heart. Then there is Luc and Oliver of the London Calling Series, Henry and Alex from Red, White, and Royal Blue, and Joe and Nicki from the Old Gaurd.

And I refuse to pick a favorite 9-1-1 universe ship. I love them all.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

It's my tarlos/Campbell(tarlossoup) fic I started but have been struggling to write. I still have hope but it won't be for anything hot minute if I do.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh man. I want to say it's coming up with interesting concepts. I don't know if I am always the best as executing them. And I am notoriously hard on myself and my own writing. So. I dunno send praise I guess 😂 feed your local artists and writers with compliments.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Spelling, grammar, executing my ideas without getting lost in unnecessary details, sometimes putting the things in my head onto the page in the way I want in a satisfying way.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I LOVE IT! I am in awe of people who can do it and do it well. I wish I was better with language as so I could do it properly. I don't my best to include it where I can but I get self conscious about it

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh man way way back in the day I wrote Harry potter fan fiction on Fanfiction.net.

20. Favorite fic you wrote?

Again with asking me to choose a favorite child 😂.

Paul Strickland and the Case of the missing Lion

Madam Vega and the Sensational Six

I Wasn't Looking for You

Every story in the Calypso universe

Just a Kid From Roswell

Lancing the Wound

A Soft Glow

No pressure tags for @marvelousbuckley @girlwonder-writes @nine-one-wanton @racerchix21 @rdng1230

And @dr-lizortecho @winged-fool @thepinkcrayon @thecarrott @dadbodbuck

And @30somethingautisticteacher @judymarch15 @herrmannhalsteadproduction @missmeryl92

[bekkachaos]

45, 51 for buddie or malex

Have both! Same vibes anyway x

51. “I’m your husband. It’s my job.” Buddie

Eddie had been ever so slightly crabby with Buck since they got home from their shift.

Buck knew why of course. He had almost been hit by a van on one of their last calls. In his defence, it was going to clip the back of the ambulance and cause a lot more damage than was already on scene, so he stepped out into the road and waved it down.

It wasn't his fault that the driver was staring at the incident and not the road ahead where Buck stood, finally slamming on the breaks a little too late and causing Chimney to need to yank Buck out of the way just moments before he would have been given a hard bump. Even if it had hit him, he would have been fine, by that point it had slowed down enough that at worst he would have had the wind knocked out of him.

But it all worked out, Buck was uninjured, the ambulance wasn't involved in a vehicular collision, and Chim could now go home and tell Maddie that he heroically saved her brother on the job (at least that was how he was putting it).

Even still, Eddie was crabby, and Buck knew there was a lecture coming. Because Eddie had been stood right there watching with his heart in his throat as the van inched closer to Buck as if in slow motion, while he just stood there in front of it.

"Like an idiot," he said after Buck had hit him with the 'can we please just get the argument over with so we can kiss and make up', knowing it would make Eddie snap and spill his feelings.

"We had a patient in the ambulance," Buck reasoned, and Eddie scoffed.

"With minor injuries," Eddie said, staring him down with his hands folded across his chest. "Who, if the ambulance had been hit, would have been fine. Can't say the same about you if you had been pinned between the ambulance and another vehicle."

"I mean at least emergency services were already on scene," Buck said, trying to lighten the mood, obviously in the wrong way as Eddie's nostrils flared back at him. "Eds I'm fine, everything was fine."

Eddie sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes and nodded.

"I know," he looked back up at him with troubled eyes. "I know. Doesn't mean I don't get a little worked up when I see you in a situation like that."

Buck just smiled, knowing exactly how Eddie felt, because he was exactly the same. Though where Eddie responded by working himself up into knots of frustration, Buck usually just became overly affectionate and wanted to stay in Eddie's arms until the fear in his chest subsided, irrational as that was.

"You don't need to be so worried all the time," Buck said. "Occasionally, I know what I'm doing."

Eddie looked back at him with one hand rested on the counter and the other on his hip as he took in a deep breath.

"Yeah well," he smiled warmly. "I'm your husband. It's my job."

He didn't miss the way Buck's eyes got brighter and his chest swelled. His mouth curved in a goofy smile and Eddie just narrowed his eyes at him.

"What's that look?" he asked, making Buck shrug.

"Just that I'll never get tired of hearing that," Buck stared back at him adoringly, as if that would stop Eddie's

"What? Me being worried about you doing something dumb?" Eddie gave him a grin, eyebrows shooting up as Buck lunged in and grabbed him by the hips.

"Your husband," he said, cutting off Eddie's reply with his lips, sliding his hands around to Eddie's lower back and holding his body tightly against him.

Eddie hummed out what was supposed to be a laugh, stifled by Buck's lips and then swallowed down as his tongue parted them so sweetly. His firm hands reached up to cup Buck's face between them, fingertips caressing gently through the soft curls at the nape of his neck.

"Nice try," he said as he pulled away just a few inches, thumb grazing Buck's chin with a narrowing of his eyes, but the softest of smiles on his mouth. "I'm still mad at you."

The way he melted into their kiss seemed to negate that point.

45. “You look pretty hot in plaid.” Malex

Alex checked his reflection in the tiny mirror in the hall as he waited for Michael to finish getting ready. He had a dark line of eyeliner under each eye, a fake nose piercing not unlike the one he had when he was a teenager, and he'd even styled his hair (as opposed to brushing it and letting it fall where it chose to).

It was Max's birthday party and the theme was 'seventeen again'. Michael kept complaining that he didn't know why they had to have a theme, to which Alex would say he didn't know why he cared seeing as he never fully committed to party themes anyway. He also didn't know what was taking him so long to get ready given that fact.

"Michael come on," he said, giving himself one last look in the mirror and wishing the eyeliner had come out more even on the left side as he turned to look towards the open door to the bedroom. "We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago."

"It's not that far, we'll be fine," he scuffed his feet on the floor as he walked out in his blue jeans, grey shirt and long sleeved plaid button up, left open with the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows.

Alex looked him up and down a moment as he got closer. He would have scolded him for his lack of effort, but in Michael's defence, he looked exactly like he did in high school. He would have to fight him to keep the cowboy hat off his head (as much as Alex loved it, Michael didn't start favouring it until after they left high school). Still, he looked good. He always did.

"What?" Michael put his hands out questioningly as he got closer to him.

"Is this as close as you get to nineties chic?" Alex asked as the corner of his mouth quirked in a smile and his fingers toyed with the collar of Michael's shirt.

"This is what I had in my closet," Michael shrugged, his eyes raking over Alex's face as his hands reached for his waist. "Surprised you never saw it in there, it's been there for years."

"You're such a comedian," Alex shook his head.

"Something wrong with what I'm wearing?" Michael cocked an eyebrow, head tilting back as if he was goading Alex into

"I never said that," Alex smiled, looking him up and down before shooting him a smirk. "You look pretty hot in plaid."

"You should see how I look out of it," Michael grinned.

He started to pull Alex closer but his hand pressed firmly against Michael's shoulder.

"Oh, I have," he said, unable to hide his smile at the pout on Michael's lips. "But we're going to be late if we don't leave now."

"It's Max's birthday, he'll have another one," Michael snorted.

"And you can get naked in a few hours," Alex said with a chuckle.

This time he was unprepared for the way Michael tugged at his hips, stumbling into him before rolling his eyes.

"That a promise?" he said, a seductive lilt to his voice that although had been heard many, many times before still turned Alex's insides to jelly.

He pulled a face like he was thinking about it, contemplating it. Then he reached out and took hold of each side of the plaid button up in tight fists, his tongue running over his lip as his eyes lingered a moment too long on Michael's.

"I don't know," he said. "Wouldn't mind if you kept this on."

Michael chuckled, leaning in to kiss him softly. Even if he did have the urge to drag him back to bed right then and there, he knew they really did have somewhere to be.

"If you don't wash off that black eyeliner then I can maybe make that work," he mumbled against Alex's lips, feeling the rush of air against his cheeks as he let out a laugh.

He hummed appreciatively as he gave Michael another lingering kiss, moaning slightly irritably as he pulled away from him.

"Let's go," he said. "Before I let you convince me to make an un-fashionably late arrival."

"And here I was thinking you had steel resolve," Michael grinned.

"Out, now."

send me a prompt and a ship and I'll write you a drabble x

[jule1122]

Malex Fic - Am I Giving Enough?

Happy Holidays @miniastrophysicist! I hope you enjoy your @rnm-secret-santa gift. It is a post canon fic focusing on Alex and Michael's path to adopting their first child. There is some emotional hurt/comfort, but it's mostly about them loving and supporting each other on this journey.

I did research the adoption process in New Mexico and stayed as close to it as I could, but I did add and change things to fit the story.

Thank you@angrycowboy for being a wonderfully supportive beta.

Title from "Columbia" by Local Natives

Am I Giving Enough on AO3

Summary: Michael will be a wonderful father, Alex knows this. It's his own ability to be a good parent he questions.

Michael brings it up on a Tuesday, a month after their first anniversary.  They’re sitting on the couch together, watching a documentary about echolocation in whales and bats, cuddling and stealing kisses during the commercials.  Alex knows he wants to spend the rest of his life just like this.

“I was thinking,” Michael begins as the credits roll.  

Alex turns off the television and turns to give Michael his full attention.  “About what?” he asks gently when he sees the way Michael is twisting his hands.

“I got the schedule for the adoption orientation meetings, and the one closest to Roswell is in three weeks,” he takes a deep breath and looks at Alex seriously. “I think we should go.”

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.  Alex stares at Michael for a minute before his brain kicks back in.  “Orientation, yeah we can, I mean we should,” he stumbles.

“It’s the first step,” Michael reminds him - as if they hadn’t researched and talked about this before.  “We have to go before we can apply or anything, and this seemed like our best chance.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and tries to smooth over his misstep.  “It makes sense to go when it’s close to home.  Just send me the info, and I’ll put it in my calendar,”

“Are you sure?” Michael asks.

“Of course.  You know I should take Charlie out,” he adds before Michael can ask him any more questions.  Charlie - the retriever mix Michael brought home from the junkyard a few months ago - has been sleeping at their feet and grumbles when Alex nudges him.  But he gets up and follows Alex when he calls, sharper than he meant to, “Charlie, door.”

Michael doesn’t bring it up again, but Alex can feel the careful way Michael watches him when they get ready for bed.  He turns out the light quickly and pulls Michael close, his whispered good night a plea for Michael to leave it alone for now.

The next day Alex stops by the Wild Pony on his way home from work.  It’s early enough that he knows Maria can take a break to talk to him.  He’s barely started on his beer when she sits down across from him.

Maria studies him for a moment, narrows her eyes and demands, “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up, with Michael,” he clarifies.  Maria doesn’t say anything, just stares at him until he starts talking again.  “He brought up adoption, and I froze.”  

“I thought you talked about kids before?”

“We have, but it was always something we would do someday.  Now Michael thinks this could be that someday, and I panicked,” Alex shrugs.  “He hasn’t said anything, but he definitely noticed.”

“So what are you going to tell him,” Maria asks.  “Have you changed your mind about wanting a family?”

“No, I still want that.  I just thought we had more time.  We’ve only been married a year, and for the first time in my life I’m really happy,” Alex can’t help smiling when he thinks about his life with Michael.  “I don’t know if I’m ready to change that.”

“Wanting more time isn’t a bad thing, and I’m sure Michael will understand.  But I don’t think that’s the only problem,” Maria adds.

“Michael’s always known what he wants - marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a dad band.  He’ll be an amazing father.”

“What about you?” Maria asks when he doesn’t say anything else.

“All I ever wanted was out, and then I wanted Michael.  I never pictured myself as a father because I don’t know what one should be.  It took me over ten years to figure out how to love Michael.  I can’t ask a child to wait for me to figure my shit out.”

“Alex,” Maria takes his hand.  “You’re being too hard on yourself.  I know you don’t see it, but you are a caretaker at heart.  Look at everything you did for Mimi, the way you welcomed Greg back into your life, all the risks you took to protect the people you love.  You may not think you know how to love people, but we all feel it.”

“Maria,” Alex looks away to hide the tears in his eyes.

“You need to talk to Michael, Alex, you know that.  You’ll be a wonderful father, if that’s what you want.  If you aren’t ready now, just be honest about that.  But if it really is fear holding you back, have more faith in yourself. Besides you already have Charlie,” Maria teases, knowing Alex needs the mood lightened.

“Charlie is a dog,” he gives Maria an unimpressed look.

“A dog with homemade food, more toys than most children and who you or Michael take to work if you think he looks lonely.”

“You might have a point,” Alex concedes with a sheepish smile. They talk for a few more minutes, general catch up, until Maria gets called back to work by one of the bartenders.  “Thank you,” Alex hugs her before he leaves, feeling more settled than when he arrived.

The house is quiet when he gets home.  Alex laughs, thinking of Maria’s teasing when he realizes Michael must have taken Charlie to the junkyard with him.  So Alex starts dinner and throws in a load of laundry.  A few minutes after he takes the lasagna out of the oven, Michael walks in, Charlie at his heels.

“Smells good,” he compliments before greeting Alex with a kiss.

“Thanks, you want to shower while it cools?”

“Only if you come with me,” Michael pulls at Alex's hand.

It’s easy to follow.  To let Michael run the water hotter than Alex would and set up the shower chair.  He pulls Michael into his lap and washes his hair for him, loving the way Michael arches into his touch.  Michael stands up long enough to wash himself quickly while Alex does the same, then he’s back in Alex’s lap.

“My turn,” he says, reaching for the shampoo.

It doesn’t take long, but Michael lingers.  Running his hands through Alex’ hair long after the shampoo is rinsed out, kissing his neck and mindlessly rolling his hips into Alex’s.  

“Let me,” Alex says when the friction is just shy of enough.  He reaches down and strokes their cocks together, everything slippery and warm, his hand gliding easily until they both come.

Michael pours them each a glass of wine with dinner, and Alex lets himself relax into the evening, waiting until they’re once again cuddling on the couch to bring up his concerns.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he begins.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Michael tells him.  “But I do want you to tell me what’s wrong.  I thought this was something you wanted too.”

“It is.  I do want a family with you.  But realizing it might actually happen scared me.”  It’s hard for Alex to admit that, but he pushes forward.  “When I think about us having kids, I can see you with them, but I can’t figure out how I fit in.  I am afraid I won’t know how to be a parent.”

“Alex, I’ve always wanted kids, you know that.  But I would never force that on you.  And I wouldn’t,” Michael pauses before speaking again.  “I wouldn’t bring kids into a home if I wasn’t sure they would be safe and loved.  I know your heart, Alex, maybe better than you do.”

Alex kisses Michael softly then rests his head on his shoulder.  “You think I can do this?”

“I do,” Michael reassures him.  “But you don’t have to.  Especially if you’re only doing it for me.”

“I wouldn’t be,” Alex shakes his head and kisses Michael’s shoulder.  “The orientation is just the first step right?”

“Right, and the whole process takes time.  They aren’t just going to hand a bunch of kids over to us after a presentation.  It’s not a commitment.”

“But it’s a start.  I think we should go.”

“If you’re sure,” Michael confirms.

Alex might never be completely sure, but he knows he wants to try.  “I am.”

Alex doesn’t know if it is intentional, but the orientation feels like a support group meeting.  The chairs are arranged in a semicircle surrounding a long table for the speakers.  There’s coffee and water for tea and a platter of cookies from one of the big chain stores.  

There are only about ten other people there, and while Michael chats with the couple closest to them, Alex sits silently, clutching Michael’s hand.  They are asked to introduce themselves, and he lets Michael handle that too, smiling when he says “this is my husband Alex.”  But he lets the rest of the introductions fade into the background as he studies the room for exits, checks for threats he knows aren’t there.

The first half is a presentation reviewing the steps of the adoption process.  Alex and Michael know them - application, 32 hour parenting class, 4 mandatory counseling sessions, home study, interviews with family and friends.  Alex’s mind stumbles on the last one, grateful again his father is dead.  He knows, though, he never would have attempted this if Jesse were still alive, never would have taken the risk, no matter how small, that Jesse could hurt another child.

Michael’s a little restless during the presentation, and Alex doesn’t blame him.  The material is dry, and Michael has it all memorized.  But Alex appreciates how each step is broken down in detail.  It helps him to treat this like a  mission with a series of individual tasks they can accomplish in pursuit of a larger goal.

They take a break after, and Alex tries to socialize a bit while he makes himself and Michael each a cup of bad coffee.  Alex has spent so much of his life hiding, it’s hard for him to answer questions without searching for an ulterior motive, and he’s relieved when they are called back to their seats.

For the next hour, three couples talk about their adoption experience.  Alex appreciates that they don’t try and sugarcoat it.  They do talk about the good stuff - the first time their adopted child calls them mom, the first Christmas they got everything on the list from Santa, seeing their child graduate, even grandchildren.  But they talk about the hard parts too - the kids who will never call them mom and dad, the older children who needed a mentor more than a parent and don’t keep in touch, hearing the horrors their children experienced and knowing they can never make it all go away.

Some of the couples look at each other nervously, and Alex wonders if they will change their minds.  He wouldn’t blame them, but Alex feels better after hearing the stories and realizing that it’s hard for everyone, that he won't be the only one who struggles.  

When Michael asks him what he thinks on the way home, he's able to be honest when he answers, “I think we can do this.”

They fill out the application that night, and two weeks later they have their intake interview with a social worker named Beth.  Alex did his research before the appointment and knows Beth is a few years older than they are and has worked for New Mexico’s Children, Youth and Families Department since she received her Masters Degree.  She is welcoming and cheerful in a way that makes Alex want to ask her how she hasn’t burned out yet.

They talk about their schedules and hobbies, the people in their lives, and it’s easy in a way Alex knows not to trust.  

Beth’s smiling when she tells them they’re almost done, but Alex can tell from how she’s watching them, the calculation in her eyes, that this is probably the only part of the whole interview that matters.  “Last question, why adoption with CYFD?  There are other, easier, ways to start a family.  So why choose this?”

“Like I told you,” Michael begins, “I grew up in the system.  And while I’d like to believe it’s gotten better, even good foster homes can’t replace a family. They’re good kids, stuck waiting for someone to love them, and if Alex and I can do that for at least a few of them, we want to.”

Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and wishes for the millionth time he could go back and change things for him.  Beth turns her attention to him, and he knows he needs to answer, that he can’t rely on Michael to carry him through this.  “One thing you’ll find out eventually is that I grew up in an abusive home,” Alex clears his throat and forces himself to keep talking.  “Michael and I both know what it’s like to grow up without a safe or loving home.  And what I didn't realize until I was older is how much that affects everything you do, every choice you make.  It limits your life in ways you don’t notice because you are so busy trying to survive that you can’t really dream or take risks.  We can give that, a safe and loving home, for kids who need it so they’ll be able to be who they want to be, not just who they are allowed to be.”

He can see Michael trying to hide his surprise - not at one Alex said, but that he was willing to share it with someone else.  Beth seems pleased with his answer though, so Alex thinks his discomfort is worth it.  Alex isn’t  sure it will ever be easy for him to share his feelings, but  opening up to Michael is the best thing he’s ever done, now he just has to keep trying.

“Ok,” Beth clasps her hands together, bringing their attention back to her.  “Let’s talk next steps.  You can register for the parenting class online, and Caleb will be your therapist.”  She slides a business card across his desk.  “You can call his office to set up your appointments.  Once those two things are done, we’ll move on to interviews with your family and friends, background checks for anyone who might be alone with the children.  Then your home study, and you’ll be in the home stretch.”

They decide to start with the parenting classes, partly because they are only offered a few times a year and partly because neither of them are eager to dive into counseling.  It’s obvious most of the other participants view the class as a formality - a box to be checked off rather than something they need.  And Alex understands, the information is basic, designed to cover the most common questions and scenarios, but it hits him and Michael differently.

They even joke about it with Sam and Meredith, an older couple in the class.  They had their children young and decided fostering was the best answer to their empty nest syndrome.  ���It was either this,” Meredith explained, “or pestering our children for grandkids we know they aren’t ready for.”

“This class must be pretty useless to you,” Michael remarks.  “You already raised your kids, you know what you're doing.”

“One thing we definitely learned,” Sam says with a laugh, “is that when it comes to kids you never really know what you are doing.  This early stuff is old hat, we know what we need for the house, know kids need clothes and toys.  But we are hoping they’ll talk more about how to help kids through the transition to foster care, how to make them feel like it is a home, even if it’s temporary.  That’s what we need.”

“Do you think we’ll learn anything that will prepare us for that?” Alex asks.

“No, not really,” Meredith admits.  “But any tips will help.”

It’s one of those early sessions that leaves Michael quiet and withdrawn.  Even Alex isn’t giving the presenter his full attention - periodically checking his email - while they review the physical requirements expected of a foster home.  He can feel the disinterest in the room as the topics reviewed feel like they should go without saying - running water and electricity, enough beds for all the children in the home, supervision to make sure the children attend school, commitment to providing fresh, hot meals.

But Alex feels Michael tense beside him, and he remembers nothing should be taken for granted.  Michael’s quiet all night, hanging back while Alex talks to Sam and Meredith about good places to shop for children’s furniture and clothing.  He doesn’t say much on the way home either, waiting until they are in bed - Alex wrapped around him from behind and Charlie sprawled across their feet - to bring it up.

“Do you think there were families like Sam and Meredith then, and what - I just didn’t get them?” he finally asks.  “Bad luck of the draw?”

Alex hesitates because there is no good answer.  “I think there have always been good and bad families, all we can hope is they are getting better at weeding out the bad.”

Michael snorts.  “Can’t do much worse than they did with me.”

“You deserved better,” Alex tells him, slipping his hand under Michael’s tank top and resting it over his heart.  “You deserved better then and you deserve better now.”

“I have better now,” Michael squeezes Alex’s hand.  “I have the best now, but when you take a kid with a shit life and tell them you are going to make it better only to put them in a situation that’s just as bad, if not worse, it’s pretty hard for them to believe they deserve better.”

Alex knows there is nothing he can say to heal that hurt so he kisses the back of Michael’s neck and holds him tighter.

As the class progresses, it’s Alex who becomes unsettled.  The focus shifts to understanding what traumas children in the system might have gone through, and how to handle common parenting situations.  Participation becomes part of the class as they are asked to share ideas and concerns as a group.  The more Alex listens and hears what a family should be like, the more he realizes just how much Jesse hurt him.

It’s not just the physical abuse - Alex likes to think he came to terms with that years ago.  But it’s seeing how Jesse harmed him in other ways. How he isolated Alex, by restricting his free time and more tellingly by turning his brothers against him.  Jesse continually set Alex up for failure and then used his failure against him as an example of weakness.  He singled Alex out for criticism and punishment in ways that made it seem like Alex was the problem.  

In hindsight, Alex realizes they should have taken a break after the parenting classes before scheduling their counseling sessions.  They wanted to keep the process moving, but Alex was resistant to therapy in general, and going into when he was haunted by Jesse in ways he hadn’t been since the first months after his death was not his best decision.

They meet up with Maria the night before the first session, and the familiar comfort of spending time with her lulls him into a false sense of security.

“I can’t believe you're going to a therapist named Caleb,” she teases.

“What’s wrong with Caleb?” Michael asks at the same time Alex says, “I researched him, and his qualifications are legitimate.”

Maria ignores Alex and answers Michael instead.  “I don’t know, Caleb just sounds like a frat boy.”

“I think you’re confusing Caleb with Chad,” Alex smirks at her.

Maria sticks her tongue out in response.  “But seriously,” she says after they stop laughing, “how are things going?”

“Good,” Michael says, looking to Alex for confirmation.  Alex nods and pulls Michael closer against his side.  “We have a lot left to do, but each step we take makes it feel more real, like it will actually happen.”

“I can’t believe it,” Maria shakes her head.  “I guess if any of us were going to be parents, it would be you two.  But still.”

“We’ve got some time left before that happens,” Alex reassures her.  “Did I tell you we’re looking for a house?”

“No!  You want to move?”

Alex shrugs, “I wasn’t thinking about a family when I bought the house.  We need something with more bedrooms and a bigger yard.”

Maria looks at him, and Alex can tell she’s trying to read him, see if his doubts are lingering.  Whatever she finds makes her smile, “Not that you need it, but good luck - with the house and all of it.”

Alex wishes for Maria’s luck when Michael slams the door open after they come home from their first session with Caleb.

“What the hell was that, Alex,” he demands.

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me.  I didn’t do anything,” Alex insists even though he knows that’s not exactly true.

“That’s one way to put it,” Michael agrees sarcastically. “You barely said a word, and you looked at Caleb like he was one step away from becoming the subject of a Deep Sky investigation.  Could you have made it any more obvious that you didn’t want to be there?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”  Alex reaches for Michael only to sigh when Michael crosses his arms and steps back.  “I need this session to study him, to figure out what he wants from me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“There were times in the Air Force - after a bad mission or after I got hurt - that I had to be cleared before returning to duty.  It was routine, we knew what to say.  ‘Loss of life is regrettable but unavoidable.  My belief in our mission remains steady.’  And just as important we knew what not to say.  You didn’t admit that you hadn’t slept for a week because of nightmares or that you had no idea what the actual mission was.  I don’t know the script here, and I just need time to figure it out.”

“Alex,” Michael sits on the couch and holds out his hand for Alex to join him.  “This isn’t a test.”

Alex sits next to Michael, but only raises a brow in response.

“Ok,” Michael concedes, “ it is a test.  But not one you need to cheat to pass.”

“We were trained to say the right thing, to never consider the truth.”  Alex picks up Michael’s hand, playing with his fingers before lacing them with his. “I’m not trained for this, and I don't want to screw this up for us.”

“You won’t.  I know it’s hard, and there are secrets we have to keep.  But we aren’t trying to win here, we’re trying to be good parents.  Obviously, we can’t tell Caleb I am an alien,” Michael begins.

“Or that my father ran a prison for aliens and my brother killed him,” Alex finishes.

“So those are things that are off limits,” Michael laughs.  “But who we are, the things we went through, and who we want to be, we don’t have to be ashamed of any of that.  We’re good people Alex, we don’t need to hide that.”

“I love you,” Alex tells him because he has to.  Michael’s come so far, and Alex won’t let his fear hold him back.  “I’ll try next time.”

“I love you too. And you won’t be there alone.  I’ll be right there with you.”

It’s still hard at the next session to open up.  He listens to Michael talk about his fear of not being good enough, of always being the one left behind.  Pride at Michael’s courage and honesty wars with his own guilt for being one of the people who left Michael behind.  They’ve been holding hands since they sat down, and Alex rubs his thumb in soothing circles as Michael talks.

When Caleb turns his attention to Alex, he grips Michael’s hand tightly as he stumbles through a description of his childhood, the hole his mother’s absence left, and the fear his father instilled in him.

Caleb studies him for a moment before asking, “What’s the worst thing your father did to you?”

Alex opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.  He turns to Michael, can’t help looking at his hand, but the answer still doesn’t come.  Finally he says, “He made me afraid to be happy.”

Michael makes a noise when he hears Alex’s answer, and even Alex is surprised by what he said, but he knows it’s true.

“And now?” Caleb prompts him.

“I’m happy and he’s dead,” Alex answers without thinking about it.  This time Michael laughs and even Caleb smiles.

“We can work with that,” he tells Alex.

Alex feels himself relax for the first time since they met Caleb.  It's not that therapy is easy, but Alex stops fighting it.  Caleb gives them homework each session.  Sometimes it’s easy- like list five ways Michael thinks Alex will be a good father and vice versa.  Sometimes it seems easy, but brings up more than they expect - like the time he asks Michael to list the people in his life he knows he can count on and give an example of when they have been there for him.  Michael can only work on it a person at a time, the reality of the support he has overwhelming.  And other times, it ties them up in knots from the beginning - like asking Alex to list the ways he’s not like his father.  He has nightmares for days, but feels freer when they discuss it in their final mandatory session.

When Caleb signs off on their confirmation form, they ask him to take them on as regular clients.  They agree to start with monthly sessions, and it feels like a good thing, not a punishment.  Alex has never been afraid to work for what he wants, and he can do what he needs to so he’s a good father.

Midway through their mandatory sessions, they find a house.  It’s in a rural section of Roswell, but still only twenty minutes from the center of town.  The house is big and needs some updating, but Michael is happy to handle that with some help - or at least company - from Max. The best part is the setting.  The house sits on five acres - already fenced in and includes two barns.  Once the home study is over, they plan to convert one of the barns into a workshop for Michael to replace his bunker.  And as for the other, Michael is talking about chickens before they even move in.

“Kids first, then livestock,” Alex teases him.  He surprises Michael with a greenhouse, and that’s enough to occupy him for a while.  

Everything seems to be falling into place, and Alex can’t help but notice how excited Michael is becoming.  He points out families with children when they are out, nudging Alex and whispering, “That will be us soon.”

Michael’s meant to be a father, Alex has known this for a long time.  It’s easy to picture Michael showing a little boy the alien Rosa drew in the Crashdown window or walking through downtown with a little girl riding on his shoulders.  But now Alex is starting to see himself there too.  He can imagine himself swinging their daughter off Michael’s shoulders to give her a kiss or helping their son finish the sundae he begged for, but can only eat half of.  It surprises him how much he wants it, how much he wants to share all that with Michael.

Alex thought therapy would be the worst part of the process, but the home study is more stressful than he expected.  They’ve talked to Beth a few times since their initial interview, and Alex is used to her cheerful determination.  He assumed she would be doing the home study, but they are required to use an approved company which means dealing with a stranger.

It’s a struggle not to bristle at the feeling of being judged, of knowing all his answers are being dissected.  But Alex does his best to be honest, and realizes how far he’s come when he can answer a question about what type of father he wants to be with something other than a sarcastic remark about anything being better than the example he had growing up.  Michael is charming, and Alex tries, but it’s still a relief when Beth  calls to tell them they passed with flying colors.

Alex always knew he would be the one to ruin it.

“Alex!” Michael throws open the door of the truck.  “Are you ok?”

It’s a stupid question, they both know Alex isn’t ok.  They’re supposed to be in Beth’s office making a plan to meet the children they would potentially adopt. Instead, Alex is sitting in the truck trying, and failing, to hold back tears.  He only made it through the first ten minutes of the appointment before bolting, and he can’t imagine what Michael must be thinking.

Alex feels Michael’s hand on his leg, his touch tentative in a way that makes Alex feel even worse.

“What’s going on?” Michael asks quietly.  “If you changed your mind, you just have to tell me.”

“It’s not that,” Alex says hastily.  He wipes his face, but looks away from Michael or he knows the tears will continue.  “I still want a family with you, I do, I just can’t”

“Can’t what?” Michael prompts when Alex doesn’t continue.  “Come on, move over,” Michael tells him with a sigh.  He climbs in and sits next to Alex when Alex slides over to the middle of the seat.  It takes some maneuvering, but Alex ends up leaning on Michael’s chest, Michael’s hand stroking his back.  “You need to talk to me, Alex.  Not to be dramatic but you're starting to freak me out.”

“I can’t pick,” he admits quietly.  Alex knows this is his own fault for being unprepared.  This was the only step of the process he hasn’t researched extensively, and it left him blindsided.  Alex expected Beth to show them the profiles of the children she thought would be the best fit, they would meet them a few times, and if all went well, they would proceed with the adoption.  He was unprepared for her to turn her computer screen toward them, and show them a page filled with thumbnail pictures of children along with brief descriptions of what they like and why they were available for adoption.  He could see the multiple page numbers at the bottom of the screen, and it felt like being introduced to the worst kind of dating app.

“What do you mean?”

 “How am I, are we, supposed to look at all those kids and decide who deserves a home?  How are we supposed to say we’ll take this one, but not that one?”  Alex asks, almost pleading for Michael to have an answer he can live with.

“That’s not what we’re doing,” Michael runs a hand through his hair.  “Placement is about trying to figure out the best match so that the adoption has the best chance for success.  That’s what all the interviews and therapy and home study were about, figuring out which kids will fit with us.”

“And what if we pick wrong?”

“That’s what this meeting is for so Beth can help us.  She knows us, she knows some of the kids, and she’s done this before.  We aren’t making a final decision today.  We can take our time,” Michael reassures him.

“That’s not what I mean.  Even if we do everything right, and it all works out, it doesn't mean we didn’t miss something.   That we didn’t overlook,” Alex stumbles, trying to find the right words.  “I’m afraid that we won’t see, that will leave behind,”

Alex can see the moment Michael gets it.  He was right when he said he knew Alex’s heart better than he did.  “What if you leave me behind?”

“How many people passed you by without ever really seeing you?  You were so good Michael, and you deserved so much more than you got.  I looked at that screen, and every kid reminded me of you.  I can’t do this,” Alex admits, turning away again so he doesn’t have to look at Michael, and see the kindness he doesn’t deserve.  Alex had been expecting Michael to break down at some point, overwhelmed at dealing with the system that had failed him, had been preparing himself to help Michael through it.  Instead Alex is the one falling apart, forcing Michael to comfort him.

“Alex, we could adopt every kid Beth shows us, and it won’t change anything for me.  You can’t fix what’s already happened.” Michael turns Alex’s face so he’s looking at him again, wiping away his remaining tears and kissing him softly. “If we go through with this it has to be because we are ready to start a family not because you’re trying to save me.”

“I’m not trying to save you, I just don’t want to fail you.”

“I know,” Michael closes his eyes briefly.  “And I love you for it.  Listen, I’m going to go back in, let Beth know we need to reschedule.  Why don’t you call Caleb’s office and see if we can get in this week.”

They don’t talk on the way home, but by silent agreement decide to reset once they get there - doing their best to act like nothing has changed.  It’s easier to pretend, at least until their appointment with Caleb.  Michael holds Alex’s hand and listens while Alex tries to explain why he panicked.  He does his best to reassure Michael that he does want to adopt, but they all agree that it’s best to put things on hold for a month or two so Alex can untangle his feelings about adoption from his feelings about Michael.

Three weeks later, Greg calls.

“Hey, are you and Michael still looking into adoption?”

“Yes,” Alex replies.  It’s easier than he thought it would be to answer, but he knows despite his setback, they haven’t given up..

“One of my students is looking for a family to adopt her baby, and I thought you might be interested.”

“Jesus,” Alex says, horrified.  “You teach fourth grade.”

“Former student, sorry,” Greg clarifies.  “She just finished her freshman year at Stanford and is home for the summer.  Baby’s due in a few months, and she didn’t find a match in California so she thought she’d try closer to home.  What do you think?”

They never talked about a baby, but as the idea settles in his chest, Alex knows he wants to try.  “Yeah, I mean I have to run it by Michael, but I think he’ll want to meet her.”

They meet Amber a week later in Greg’s kitchen.  Greg introduces them, and then leaves, telling them to make themselves at home.  Amber has dark hair pulled back into a bun and wide, intelligent eyes.  Alex’s first thought is that she is too young for this - too young to have a baby, too young to make this kind of decision.  But when she starts talking, he realizes quickly that while she may be too young for all this responsibility, she’s not a child.

Michael asks her about school, and she immediately launches into a detailed description of the genetic research she’s doing and the advanced program she was accepted into. Alex doesn’t understand most of what she’s talking about, but she reminds him so much of Liz it almost hurts to look at her.

Michael lights up and starts talking about some of the research he helped Liz with - leaving out the alien origins of it.  Alex is happy to sit back and let the details pass him by, drawn in as he always is by watching Michael talk about something he is passionate about.

“Where did you go to school?” Amber asks.

“I didn’t,” Michael’s smile falters.  “Had a scholarship after high school, but things didn’t work out.  I’m just always studying on my own.  Liz, the woman I mentioned, she has multiple doctorates so I just follow her lead.”

“You more than keep up,” Alex reminds him.  He lifts Michael’s hand - his left hand - and kisses it softly.  He knows what happened in the shed isn’t the only reason Michael gave up college, but a part of him will always hold some guilt over Michael’s lost dreams.

Amber’s eyes dart between them before she turns her attention to Alex. “What about you?”

“I was in the Air Force for about ten years. Got my degree while I was enlisted, computer engineering.”

“Alex is one of the best hackers in the world,” Michael says proudly.

Alex shoots Michael a look, not sure his hacking skills are something to brag about.  “I mostly work in research data analysis now. The company I work for tries to take the information available to us and apply it to previously unexplained events or phenomena like,” Alex searches his mind for an example he can share, “the Bermuda Triangle. I was trained in code breaking in the military so my sub specialty is languages.  There is a lot we can use computers for when it comes to recovering dead languages or translating symbol based languages.”

What he doesn’t say of course is his interest in language is fueled by his need to discover how many previously dismissed references to aliens are real.  So much of his work is rooted in getting answers for Michael, but he can’t tell Amber that.  Still, she seems happy with his answer.

“So you understand then, why I need to go back to school.  Why I can’t let this,” she gestures to her stomach, the first real reference any of them have made to why they are there, “stop me.”

Alex nods, not sure what to say.  But he remembers her enthusiasm when talking about her research and how her smile dimmed when even the possibility of her not returning to school was mentioned, and he reaches for the notepad Michael brought with him, writes down Liz’s email and hands it to Amber.  “This is Liz, our friend's email.  She would be a great resource or mentor.  Her parents are immigrants so she knows what it’s like to be a minority woman in science.  She’s told us about how much her mentor helped her, and I know she would be happy to talk to you.” 

“I didn’t offer you the baby yet,” Amber reminds him, her eyes narrowing.

“It’s not a bribe,” Alex explains, hoping he didn’t screw things up already.  “Like I said, Liz knows the challenges you’ll face, and it shouldn’t be any harder for you than it needs to be.  If we’ve learned anything from working with her,  it’s that changing the work is a lot easier with help. It’s just an offer, no strings.”

“Ok,” she nods and takes the paper.  “I have some questions.”

She doesn’t ask them anything they haven’t been asked before - by Beth, by Caleb, during the home study.  But Alex tries to be more open, a little more honest with her.  They show her pictures of the house and of Charlie.  Michael talks about his plans for chickens and maybe goats, shows her the greenhouse and the fields.

“This is our first crop of sunflowers at the house.  See how tall they are already.  Sanders grumbles about the drive, but he knows we have better soil,” he says proudly.

“Sanders?” Amber asks.

“Sanders and I have been growing prize winning sunflowers for a few years now.  He’s my boss at the junkyard, but he’s family too.  He’ll be the closest the kids will have to a grandfather.”

“Don’t forget Arturo,” Alex adds.

“True.  But Sanders, uhh, here let me show you.”  Michael pulls something up on his phone and hands it to Amber.  “He’s not much for pictures, but he let us take a few at the wedding.”

Michael ends up going through the whole wedding album he has saved on his phone, introducing her to everyone in their family as he scrolls through the photos.  “Are you singing?” Amber asks when they come to a picture of Michael on stage.

“Yeah,” Michael blushes and rubs the back of his neck.  “It was a surprise for Alex at the reception.  But he’s the real musician in the family.  Writes his own music, he’s even written me a few songs.  He’ll definitely be in charge of singing the kids to sleep.”

“What do you play?

“Guitar and keyboard mostly.  We bought a piano when we bought the house and that’s what I like to compose on.  My first guitar was actually a hand me down from Greg,” Alex laughs. “Michael had it for a while too.”

Amber looks curious at the mention of Greg.  “How long have you been married?  Was Greg still in the Navy?”

“No, he couldn’t make the wedding because of school,” Alex explains, assuming she is wondering why he wasn’t there.

“We’ve been married almost two years,” Michael adds.  “But it’s been on and off since high school.”

“High school?”  Amber’s eyes widen.  “Sounds like an epic love story.”

“Cosmic,” Michael mumbles.  Alex elbows him, but smiles.

“It took us a while to figure things out, but we’ve always loved each other.  It’s always been Michael,” Alex shrugs.

Amber hands the phone back to Michael, “It seems like you have a beautiful family.”

“Thanks, I know it’s probably a cliche, but that’s what we want for our kids.  From what we told you, I’m sure you figured out our childhoods sucked.”  They all laugh.  “But we can give our kids all the things we didn’t have.  A place to run around, a chance to just be kids and do whatever they want if that’s sports or art or reading.  They can do what they want and have the freedom to make mistakes because they’ll have people who will love them and support them no matter what.  More than just us, you know.”

“I know you have questions too, but I’ll just get the big ones out of the way.  There’s no father, at least not one that I can name.  I aced my first big exam and decided to celebrate.  Found out there really is such a thing as being blackout drunk.  I woke up the next morning on someone’s couch with half my clothes missing.  I have no idea who I was with.  Is that a problem?”

Amber tells the story with no emotion, just a statement of fact, and Alex can tell she doesn’t want sympathy so he just shakes his head and sees Michael do the same.

“Good,” Amber nods.  “I was working with an agency in California so I’ve had all the counseling sessions. I’m not going to change my mind.  I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother, but I know I don’t want to be one now.  I’d have to move back here, drop out of Stanford, and what, if I’m lucky, go to community college once she starts school?”

“She?” Michael asks.  Alex sees him wince, knows he didn’t mean to interrupt, but they hadn’t known the baby was a girl.

“Yes, and she deserves better than a mother who resents her.  I worked too hard to get into Stanford to become another girl from the rez who can’t hack in the real world,”  Amber stops, bitterness lacing her voice, and shakes her head.  When she speaks again, her tone is softer.  “That’s what happened to my mom, and she always told me I ruined her life.  I want better for her.”

Before either of them can respond, Amber excuses herself to go to the restroom.  She seems more composed when she comes back, accepting the iced tea Alex poured while she was gone.

“So what do you want to know?”

Alex turns to Michael, watches as he picks up his notebook and turns to his list of questions.  “What kind of contact do you want after the adoption,” he asks.

“None,” Amber shrugs.  “I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I don’t think of her as my daughter.  This is a process I’m going through, and once she’s born my part is done.  My grandmother would probably like a picture every now and then, but that’s up to you.  She lives here so you can contact her through Greg if you want.”

That brings up a concern Alex has.  “Obviously you know Greg’s my brother, but other than visiting him the last few years, I haven’t been on the reservation since my mom left.  I don’t have much of a connection to that side of my heritage.  Is that a problem?”

“Will you answer questions if she has them?  Help her learn what it means to be Native if she wants?”  When Alex nods she seems satisfied.  “That’s enough.  When I go back to school I’m never coming back so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to judge you for that.”

“She would spend time here, with us and Greg, it just isn't’ something that’s part of our daily lives,” Alex clarifies.

“What else?” she asks.

Alex watches Michael look over his list of questions before closing the notebook. “I don’t think there is anything else we need to know.”  He looks to Alex for confirmation.  “This is for you to get to know us, see if we might be the kind of people you want to adopt your baby.  We’re not here to judge you.  So if you have more questions or want to see the house or whatever, go for it.  But we’re good.”

“Ok,” Amber agrees.

“So, we can give our numbers or you can reach out though Greg once you’ve made a decision,” Alex tells her.

“I met with several families in California, and they were all nice, but it never felt right.  I think it’s because I was waiting for you.  I don’t need time.  If you want her, she’s yours.”

“Really,” Michael’s face lights up.

“Of course we do, thank you,” Alex forces out, his throat tight.  “We have a case worker so we’ll get in touch with her and figure out what’s next.”

When they are walking out to their cars, Alex texting Greg to let him know he can come back, Michael stops Amber.  “I do have one question.  Do you have any thoughts on a name?”

“She’s your daughter, you pick the name,” Amber reminds them.  “Just let me know, and I’ll have it put on the original birth certificate.”

They sit in the truck together and watch her drive away, Michael making no move to start the truck.  “We’re going to be dads.  I can’t believe it,” he turns to Alex, tears shining in his eyes.

“We have a daughter,” Alex says in awe. He gives Michael a watery smile.

“Do you want to name her Nora?” he asks Michael once they are on the way home.  Michael turns to briefly look at him, but doesn’t answer right away.

“She needs her own name,” Michael tells him once they are home.  “I don’t want her to feel like she has to live up to something or be a replacement.”

They call Beth the next morning. She tells them that since Amber is an enrolled member of the Tribe, the adoption needs to be approved by the Tribal Council.  That also means Beth can handle the paperwork rather than requiring them to go with a private agency that handles infant adoptions. She meets them at the hearing, and Alex can’t help but apologize for not following through on their plans.

“Alex, there’s nothing to be sorry about.  Would I have loved to place one of my kids with you, of course I would.  But a child who needs a family is going to be raised in a loving home.  How can I not see that as a win?”

“It feels like this is what was supposed to happen,” he admits.

“Then let’s go get you your daughter.”

Since Alex is also an enrolled member, and they’ve committed to enrolling the baby, the hearing is mostly a formality. Greg comes and speaks on their behalf, and in less than an hour, the adoption is approved.

The hearing is also the last time they see Amber in person.  They talk for a few minutes after, but Alex can tell while she’s obviously relieved, she doesn’t want to linger.  Her smile brightens when Michael tells her the name they’ve chosen, Amirah Estelle.

“It’s beautiful, I think she’ll love it.”

There’s no way to thank her for what she is giving them so they just try not to make it awkward.  They introduce her to Beth, and quietly say goodbye, leaving them to discuss the details of what comes next for Amber.

Their second anniversary falls a month before Amber’s due date, and they spend a week at Eduardo’s villa in Mexico celebrating.  It has a private beach, and Alex watches the sun turn Michael’s skin a deep gold while lightening his curls so he glows in a way that makes Alex’s chest hurt.  Alex spends hours licking the salt from Michael’s skin while they get sleepy drunk on Valenti’s family tequila.  It’s perfect and the days stretch out and go by too fast at the same time.

“We won’t be able to do this next year,” Michael says on their last night.

Alex looks up from where he’d been dozing on Michael’s chest, listening to Michael’s heartbeat while Michael stroked his hair.  “Someone will take her for a few days, or we’ll just bring her with us.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Alex props himself up on his elbow.  “I was afraid of losing this when you first mentioned kids.  I was worried about losing parts of you, but now I’m more excited about the parts of you I’ll gain.”

“Like what?” Michael asks, wiggling down on the bed so their faces are even.

“I want to see you hold our daughter, I want to see you show her the stars, and I want to see if you’ll be strict about homework or get thrown out of Little League games or if you’ll be the one to braid her hair.  I love everything about you, Michael.  And now I get to see you as a father and love you even more.”

“Alex,” Michael breathes, blinking back tears.  “I love you so much, and I can’t believe I get to have a baby with you.  You are going to be an amazing father.”

“I hope so,” Alex smiles at Michael’s confidence in him.  “But in the meantime, we should take advantage of our time alone.  He kisses Michael, laughing when Michael rolls them over, and there’s no more talking after that.

They come home to find a nursery painted in a muted version of the Oasian sky, stars dotting the ceiling and iridescent butteerflies and glowing birds flying across the walls.  The empty room they left behind is fully furnished, the closet and dresser filled with clothes.

“You said no baby shower, but you didn’t say no gifts,” Isobel reminds them when she shows them the room.  “Rosa’s been working on the design for weeks with Max so you better like it.”

It’s beautiful, and he and Michael find themselves in there several times a day.  Seeing the space for a baby in their home makes their impending parenthood finally feel real.

Beth is the one to call them when Amirah is born, and she meets them when they arrive.  “She looks great,” she immediately reassures them.  “Healthy and strong.  The hospital will keep her for forty-eight hours, and you can stay with her in one of the family rooms off the NICU.  If Amber signs the relinquishment papers, you can take her home after that.”

Neither of them ask what will happen if Amber doesn’t sign the papers, because they can’t think about that when they desperately want to meet their daughter.  She’s sleeping when they first see her, a tiny bundle in the hospital bassinet.  The lights are turned down low, but Alex can still see the way her hair peeps out from underneath her hat, see the curve of her cheek.

The nurse in the room fills them in on all her measurements - weight, length, APGAR score. “We want to do two hours of skin to skin contact with both of you to help with the bonding process.”

Alex knew this was coming, but it’s still awkward to take off their shirts and climb into a hospital bed together.  He nudges Michael to go first when the nurse comes over with Amirah.  She settles her against Michael’s chest and covers them with a blanket.  “Feel free to play music if you want or just talk to her.  I’ll be back when it’s time for her next bottle.  Just hit the alert button if you need anything.”

And then they’re alone, just the three of them.  And it hits Alex that it will be the three of them from now on.  He and Michael have a daughter.  Alex is sitting behind Michael so he tucks his face into his neck so he can see Amirah over Michael’s shoulder.

Alex watches as Michael carefully traces one finger over her face and down her back.  Amirah’s still asleep, but she wiggles slightly in response to Michael’s touch.  “She’s so beautiful,” Michael whispers.

“Mmmhmm,” Alex hums his agreement.  He turns his head to look at Michael, soaking in the love and awe on his face.  Tears fall silently, and Alex brushes them away before kissing his cheek.

There’s something intimate and peaceful about this time alone together, Alex holding Michael while he holds their daughter, the room dark and quiet.  He understands why the hospital recommends it.  Just when Amirah starts to fuss, the nurse comes in with her bottle.  She walks them through feeding and changing her.  When she is settled and checked over, they rearrange themselves on the bed, and this time the nurse hands Amirah to Alex.

She blinks up at him before falling back asleep, and he can’t believe how small and light she is for all the space she takes up in his heart.  Alex doesn’t cry when he holds her.  His love for her doesn’t feel soft - it’s fierce and already rooted deeper than he imagined.  He told Michael once that he would burn the world down for him, and he knows he would do the same for Amirah in a heartbeat.  Alex closes his eyes and settles himself and Amirah in Michael’s embrace and silently promises that her happiness and safety will always be his priority.

Their two days in the hospital are a nice bubble from the world, but they also go by quickly - a crash course in caring for a baby they both need.  Research and video tutorials can’t truly prepare them for a living child.  They learn that Amber was released the morning after Amirah was born, and she signs the relinquishment papers as soon as the forty-eight hours are up.  Greg later tells Alex that Amber spent a week with her grandmother before returning to Stanford for the second summer session.

Beth brings them all the paperwork they need to prove they have custody of Amirah once she is ready to be released.  She walks them out, hugging them both once Amirah is secure in her car seat.  “I’ll be by in a few weeks to check in on her, make sure you are all settling in.  And remember, you can’t post any pictures until the adoption is finalized.”

Michael laughs, “No worries there.  Alex has strong opinions about the dangers of social media.”

“It’s not just identity theft, which is easy enough, but anything you post can be manipulated.  I can’t believe how vulnerable people leave themselves for a few seconds on validation.”  Michael clears his throat, and Alex realizes he probably shouldn’t explain how he can - and has - used social media as a weapon against people he found profiting off stolen alien artifacts.  Beth doesn’t need to know he can ruin someone’s life in five minutes without ever leaving his desk.

“I can tell she’s in good hands,” Beth smiles at them.  “We’ll talk soon.”

Their first week at home is a disaster.  Everything that was so easy at the hospital becomes a battle.  Amirah doesn’t want to eat or sleep, she flails through her bath, making both Alex and Michael terrified of dropping her.  “Do you think it’s safe for me to catch her with telekinesis if we drop her?” he asks as they struggle to contain a slippery infant.

“It’s better than letting her hit the floor,” Alex admits.  “But we should probably stick with just not dropping her.”

Despite their eagerness to introduce her to their family, the constant stream of visitors makes it hard to settle into a routine.  Everyone has advice to give even though, Arturo excluded, they have no more experience with babies than Alex or Michael do.  Amirah shows a strong preference for Max - quieting the quickest when he holds her.  No one can figure out exactly what he’s doing, but it almost always works.

“Well it’s not an alien thing,” Isobel tells them when Amirah refuses to take a bottle from her.

“And it’s not a guy thing,” Kyle says, conceding defeat when none of his doctor tricks work on getting her to sleep.

“Don’t look at me,” Liz hands Amirah back to Max after she spits up on her.  “I’ll be her favorite as soon as she’s old enough for her first chemistry set.  But for now, Max is the baby whisperer.”

Eventually the visits slow to a manageable level and they settle into daily life with a baby.  Sanders bans Michael from the junkyard for two weeks, and Alex has twelve weeks of paternity leave.  It’s all bottles and diapers and figuring out snaps on clothes and still remembering to walk Charlie, but they make it work.

The first time Amirah reaches for him, kicking her legs and cooing, when he goes to pick her up, Alex finds himself tearing up.  He sits with Amirah in the recliner and lets himself cry the tears he didn’t have at the hospital.  As she watches him, eyes too wise for her age, he realizes it is not just about him loving her, it’s also about her loving him, about her looking to him for love and guidance and support. 

Michael finds him, and asks carefully, “Are you ok?”  When Alex nods, he settles on the floor in front of them, resting his head on Alex’s knee.  “It’s a lot, isn’t it.”

“I didn’t realize,” Alex’s voice trails off, not sure what he’s trying to say.

“I know,” Michael says. “She’s everything.”

Alex knows Michael understands everything he doesn’t have words for yet, and he’s so grateful they’re doing this together.  “Not just her,” Alex runs his hand through Michael’s hair.  

“Yeah,” Michael agrees, turning his head to kiss Alex’s knee.  Neither of them move until Amirah demands her dinner.

Amirah’s first cold is a week of sleepless nights and worrying.  Three days into it, Isobel arrives with dinner and a promise to walk with Amirah so they can eat and take a nap.  The food is delicious, but Alex’s eyes are dropping before he gets halfway through his milkshake.  He falls asleep on the couch while Michael is showing Isobel how the vaporizer works.

He wakes to voices and the smell of coffee and realizes Michael and Isobel must be in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe she’s still asleep,” Michael says.

“I may have encouraged her a bit,” Isobel replies.

Alex sits up, suddenly wide awake, but before he can get up he hears Michael say something he can’t quite make out.  Isobel laughs in response.

“I’m kidding.  No influencing the baby, I got it.”

Alex relaxes again, letting their conversation wash over him, tuning in when something catches his attention.

“You’re a good dad, Michael.  I knew you would be,” he hears Isobel tell Michael.

“You’ll be a good mom, too,” he assures her.

“Maybe,” Isobel sighs.  “I’m not sure it will happen for me.”

“Hey, my offer of baby gravy still stands.”

Alex makes a face at the same time he hears Isobel snort.

“I told you not to call it that.  And while I appreciate the offer, I figure it out myself if I’m ready.”

“If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask.”  Michael’s reply is the last thing Alex hears before he falls asleep again.

The next time he wakes up, the house is dark and Isobel is gone.  He checks on Amirah and finds her still asleep in her crib, breathing a little easier, Charlie guarding her from the hallway.  Michael is also asleep so Alex takes a quick shower before joining him in bed.  He watches Michael sleep and thinks of his conversation with Isobel.  Since they planned on adopting older children, they never talked about other options.  But Amirah changed that, and Alex wonders if Michael wants a child of his own - one with his curls or his quick mind.

He brings it up the next morning after Amirah’s bath.  “If we had another baby, would you want to use a surrogate?”

“What?” Michael looks up from where he’d been rubbing lotion onto Amirah’s legs.

“I heard you and Isobel talking last night,” Alex shrugs.  “We never considered it before, and I wondered if that’s something you’d want.”

“Nah,” Michael shakes his head before leaning down and blowing a raspberry on Amirah’s belly.  “You think I could love this one more if we shared some DNA.  No way.”

“It’s not about that, I just want you to have the option.”

“Don’t need it,” Michael insists.  “I have no desire to pass on my genetics.”  He holds up a hand when Alex starts to protest.  “I do it for Isobel if she asked, but it’s not how I want to build our family.  I like what we’re doing so far.  Ok?”

“Ok,” Alex agrees, picking up Amirah and wrestling her into a clean sleeper.

When Alex’s leave is up, he makes arrangements to work from home three days a week, and Michael adjusts his schedule so one of them is always home with Amirah.

“I can’t believe it,” Liz shakes her head when he tells her.  “I thought you’d be dying to get back to work.”

“Not really.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some projects I am eager to get back to, but I’d much rather work from home as much as I can.”  Alex peeks under the blanket he’d thrown over Amirah to make sure she was still asleep before shifting her a little higher on his chest.  Max and Liz had come over for dinner and it was warm enough for Liz and Alex to stay out on the deck while Max and Michael were in the workshop going over something for Max’s next visit to Oasis.  She snuffles a little so he kisses her forehead and shushes her softly. “That’s my girl,” he croones once she closes her eyes again.

“You're such a dad,” Liz smiles at him when he looks up. 

Alex smiles back, not the slightest bit concerned about letting everyone know how much he loves his daughter.  “She makes it easy.”

“No, I think it’s you.  You and Michael both, you’re meant for this.  Max will be an amazing father, too.  And we’re starting to talk about when and how that might happen, but I don’t think I’ll be the one staying home,” Liz admits hesitantly.

“That’s fine,” Alex reaches over and squeezes her hand.  “There’s no one way to do this, and you know that.  Besides, I don't think there is a safe way to run a genetics lab in the same house as children, and you still have a Nobel Prize to win.”

“True,” Liz laughs.

Alex looks at Liz and finally works up the courage to ask the question he’s been afraid to ask.  “Has she reached out to you?”

“Alex,” Liz chides him gently.  “Do you really want to know?”

“No,” Alex admits guiltily.  “It’s just I’m happy Liz, I’m so fucking happy, but I don’t know if Amber is.  And I don’t want to know because,” he tightens his hold on Amirah.  “Because I wouldn’t change anything.”

“You’re responsible for Amirah and her happiness, not Amber’s,” Liz tells him.

“It’s hard to remember that when I have her daughter.”

“Amirah is your daughter, not Amber’s.  That’s the choice Amber made, and one you and Michael accepted.  From what you told me, she knew what she wanted.  Don’t take her choice away from her because you feel guilty about being happy.”

Alex knows she’s right, but the closer the adoption gets, the more he worries that somehow he’s unworthy of so much happiness, and he’s going to lose it.  He and Caleb are working on it, but it’s a hard demon to shake.  “What would you have done,” he asks Liz, “if you had gotten pregnant in college?”

Liz looks stricken when he asks the question, and he instantly feels guilty for even asking.  “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“No it’s ok.  Probably something like this,” Liz gestures to Alex and Amirah before biting her lip and looking away.  “Or maybe I wouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“Liz,” Alex takes her hand again, mentally berating himself for asking her to bare her soul to comfort him.

She looks up and crosses herself, muttering in Spanish before squeezing his hand.  “Papi would be devastated if he knew I thought it let alone said it out loud, but it’s true.  I worked so hard to be the smartest, to be the best, and for a long time that’s all I had.  I couldn’t have given that up, it would have killed me.”

Alex just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.

“When you are a girl, you’re told anything you want to do, anything you accomplish is temporary.  You’re supposed to set it aside one day to be a mother.  That’s supposed to be your real dream.  But that’s not true for all of us.  It’s not true for me, and if Amber’s as much like me as she sounds, it’s not true for her either.  What you did, giving her the freedom to follow her dreams, that was a gift.  You helped both of them, you didn’t take anything from her.”

“I hope you’re right,” he says softly.

“I’m always right,” Liz insists, breaking the tension.

Amirah’s adoption is finalized when she’s six months out.  She’s quiet in Alex’s arms, taking in the unfamiliar environment.  But when the judge asks for a picture with the new family, she giggles and pulls at his beard.  The picture on their mantle shows all of them laughing, the judge making a funny face at Amirah as she claps her hands.

Since their hearing was in the morning, Maria throws a party at the Wild Pony before it opens.  Amirah is happy to be passed from person to person, basking in the attention, leaving Alex and Michael free to socialize and eat using both hands.  She crashes a few hours in, falling asleep in Max’s arms.

As things are winding down, Alex boxes the leftover cake and snags Maria by the waist when she walks by to clear away the empty platters.  “Thanks for this,” he presses a kiss to her temple.

“I remember you telling me you wanted your kids to grow up in the Pony, so this seemed like a good way to start,” Maria teases him.

“This isn’t quite what I meant,” he says, feeling the gentle tug of nostalgia for the dreams he once had.

“I know,” Maria agrees softly. “But it’s how it was always meant to be.”

“Maybe,” he agrees, looking over to where Amirah is awake and back with Michael, both of them flipping through a picture book Rosa made for her. 

They’re not her first steps, but one day Amirah runs from Michael to Alex on unsteady legs, yelling “Da, Da, Da, Da,” and Alex knows what he wants.  He catches her in her arms, kissing her face and neck until she is laughing and wiggling to get down so she can run back to Michael. 

Alex doesn’t say anything then because it’s easy to be sure when Amirah is happy and Michael is playing with her and listening to her babbling like she’s telling him the secrets of the universe.  He waits until after bath time when Amirah screams the whole time because she recently decided she hates getting her hair wet.  He waits until he’s more exhausted than she is, but she’s still fighting sleep, her earlier cries whittled down to occasional wet gasps.

He waits while Michael straightens the bathroom and takes Charlies out.  He waits until they fall into bed, too tired to do more than cuddle.  He waits until nothing is perfect, but he still knows what he wants.

“I think we should call Beth,” he whispers into Michael’s neck.

[bisexualalienss]

Malex + first and last kisses

[greentealycheejelly]

A Malex kiss (art time lapse under the cut)

[pastelwitchling]

I'm so happy you're still taking malex prompts! Could you do something where Michael's abandonment issues rise to the surface? Thank you! Love your work.

@joaneteporis

***

“How long’ll you be gone?”

Alex looked over his shoulder at Michael from where he was packing the last of his sweaters into his black suitcase. Michael hated that suitcase. They were in their bedroom, Michael sitting on the edge of their bed, still naked from when he’d woken up a few hours ago, partly hoping that if he never got out of bed, never showered or dressed, then Alex would change his mind and climb back into the sheets and Michael’s arms. He’d been hoping this stupid trip would be canceled.

Yet Alex sat before him, the tips of his hair still damp from the late shower he’d managed despite Michael’s attempts to delay him with trails of kisses down his body. He’d been giggling breathlessly then, and he smiled just as easily now at the false indifference.

He put his last sweater in before gripping Michael’s knee and kissing it, his hand stroking Michael’s thigh soothingly.

“Just three days,” he promised. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Michael held out a hand. “I want collateral.”

Alex burst into laughter, and Michael tried hard not to smile at the sound. “What could I possibly give you?”

“Your phone.”

“And how would I get in touch with Ramos without my phone?” he said, squishing his cheek against Michael’s knee. “Or you?”

He dropped his hand. “Damn it.”

Alex’s smile widened. “You actually think I’d come back for my phone and not you?”

“I know you’d come back for me,” Michael said defensively, and could hear the threat in his voice himself. I know you will come back for me. Or else I’d come after you and never let you out of my sight. “I just need a little insurance.”

“So you don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust our life, Alex,” he corrected. “I don’t trust that something else won’t happen when I’m not there.”

“I’m keeping my location on,” he said, more softly. “I told you I’d tell you when I got there. Besides, I’m not heading anywhere alone, this is another branch of agents, Guerin.” He pressed one more gentle kiss to Michael’s calf and turned back to his suitcase. “No evil aliens are taking me away this time.”

Alex shut his suitcase and zipped it up, the sounds like nails in a coffin, and Michael’s heart sank into his stomach. It was really happening. Alex was really going to leave again, and there was nothing Michael could do about it. He was going to be sick, he couldn’t breathe.

Alex picked up his suitcase, Michael’s hand outstretched halfway between them, wanting to pull Alex back by his sleeve and keep him there and to call his name and show him how scared he was so that he never walked out that door. Alex had talked to him when Eduardo had asked him to train a bunch of recruits outside of Roswell, had told him that he wouldn’t go if it really bothered his husband, and Michael – the absolute dumbass – had said that he would be fine, it would be okay, that Michael might get a little nervous about it, but that Alex should go if that was what he needed to do. If he promised to return.

He'd been regretting every word since. He should’ve said no. He knew that there was no way Alex would begrudge him for it; Alex loved him, he would’ve done anything to keep Michael happy, and Michael was only happy when he had Alex in his line of sight –

Alex was suddenly in his space, crawling into Michael’s lap and straddling him on the edge of the bed, Michael’s legs the only thing keeping him from falling. He hugged Michael’s shoulders and buried his face in the crook of Michael’s neck, slipping a hand into his curls and holding on.

“Shhh, baby,” Alex whispered, completely calm. The darkness around Michael’s vision slowly cleared, and he saw Alex’s suitcase leaning against the wall. He had clearly noticed Michael’s impending panic and had wanted to shut the suitcase and put it aside so that he could focus his attention on his husband instead. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

Michael’s hands were still trembling when he reached up to hug Alex back, gripping fistfuls of his shirt and squeezing him to his chest.

“Breathe,” Alex murmured over and over, his breath warm on Michael’s ear. “Breathe, beautiful.”

“I’m – I’m trying,” he gritted out, shoving his face hard into Alex’s shoulder and trying to breathe in his scent, to remind himself that Alex was right here, in his arms. That they were husbands now, and had beaten the monsters that had come for them together, and they were free. That Alex was his, and no one was ever taking him away again.

After a long few minutes, Michael’s shuddering had ceased, but Alex was still rubbing his back and breathing softly against his neck.

“Just breathe,” he said softly, reaching into his back pocket. He pulled his phone out. “I’m right here.”

Michael didn’t want to let go of him. “W-What’re you doing?”

“Calling Eduardo,” he said, dialing. “I’m canceling.”

Michael frowned. He knew what he wanted to say; he wanted to say that he was sorry, but that he really couldn’t do this; he couldn’t be away from Alex, he couldn’t let him go, he couldn’t send him off and act like it wasn’t killing him.

But he caught Alex’s hand anyway.

“No,” he said, even as he felt someone else say the word, even as his brows furrowed and he squeezed Alex’s fingers. “N-No, I’m – I’m okay, I’m fine.”

“Michael,” Alex pulled back enough to see his face, cupping his cheek, “it’s okay. I care more about you than some stupid job, I don’t mind staying right here, okay?”

Michael could see that. There was no resentment or disappointment in Alex’s dark eyes or his soft, loving smile. He would stay on Michael’s lap all day if Michael wanted him to, and he’d be happy to do it.

How long would that last? How long would their relationship survive if Michael couldn’t give him a few days’ worth of space? How long until Michael’s love for Alex turned into an incessant need that was never satisfied, until neither of them could go off to work without Michael descending into a panic attack?

No. Something had to give.

“I can’t . . .” he started, and Alex was nodding.

“I understand,” he said, “it’s okay.”

“No,” he held Alex’s hand to his lips. “I can’t be this scared all the time, Alex. I can’t worry that you won’t come back every time you walk out the door. I have to . . .” the words didn’t want to leave, but Michael forced them out, “I have to let you go. Just for a little while. Just so I know that you’ll always come back to me.”

“Always,” Alex promised at once, and something in Michael rested a little easier. He believed him, he did . . . he was just terrified. Alex was too important to him to risk.

Sliding a hand into Alex’s hair, he pulled him in to slot their mouths together, his other arm around Alex’s waist. Alex arched into his body like he was just as starved for him, cupping his face and tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

They ended up tangled in each other a few minutes more before Michael had to put a stop to it and walk Alex to the door. If he held him close now, he really wouldn’t ever let him leave again. Alex walked backwards to his car, eyes on Michael until the last possible second. Michael didn’t dare go inside until long after Alex’s car was out of sight. Then he closed the door and collapsed against it, exhaling shakily, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“He’ll come back,” he told himself, the silence of the now empty house heavier than it had ever been. “He’ll come back.”

Alex checked in when he got to the top-secret base that night, and Michael had checked his location just to make sure he’d been safe and sound the entire ride there, where Alex finally turned off the feature until his inevitable drive back. He called that night, and Michael kept him on the phone to fall asleep to his voice, and then again in the morning to make sure Michael had eaten. Michael had done the same, and protested when Alex had insisted that a granola bar was enough.

“I mean, there’s a breakfast buffet, but . . .”

“But what?”

Alex’s voice dropped to a murmur like it did in those rare moments when he was shy. “I don’t know anyone. I’m supposed to be their superior, what if they just stare at me?”

Michael had been having coffee by himself at the kitchen isle, his tech and schematics spread out before him in an effort to distract him from the lack of his warm, rosy-cheeked husband at his side, and now at Alex’s embarrassment, he found himself smiling genuinely for the first time all morning.

“Aww, baby . . .”

“Shut up,” Alex grumbled, and Michael’s shoulders shook with quiet laughter. “Stop laughing at me!”

Michael’s laugh burst out then, and he curled around the phone in the hope that he could pull Alex through it and hold him like he was dying to do.

“God, I miss you,” he sighed, still smiling.

“It’s been a few hours,” Alex said. “You haven’t had the time.”

“I can miss you if I want to.”

“I miss you, too, then.”

Michael hummed. “How much do you miss me?”

“So much.”

“Enough for a FaceTime call?”

Alex couldn’t have missed the suggestion in Michael’s voice, and this time, it was him who laughed. Michael rested his chin on his palm and closed his eyes, his schematics forgotten.

“You’re such a freak,” he said fondly. “Fine, I’ll go into the damn dining hall.”

“Tell me you miss me again first.”

“I miss you,” he giggled.

“One more time?”

“I miss you I miss you I miss you, you absolute dork. I’ll call you tonight.” Then, softer, “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Michael promised, his smile already dimming at the end of the call that was coming. When Alex finally hung up, Michael continued to sit there for a long time, staring through his notes. Alex had already left, but Michael couldn’t help but whisper into the phone, “Come back to me soon.”

Over the next two days, Michael did a lot of pacing. He lounged on an exasperated Max’s couch (“It’s three days, stop being pathetic!”), hung out with Isobel and Kyle at Kyle’s insistence (who Michael was sure Alex had talked to), and worked endless hours at the junkyard to Walt’s eternal chagrin (“Lord help us if his car breaks down and he has to stay away another damn day”).

Alex did not call him on the fourth morning because he’d left the base early, making the drive back to Roswell instead, so Michael spent the hours since before dawn pacing outside. His heart thrashed when Alex’s car finally came into view, shifted restlessly from foot to foot as it pulled into the driveway, and ran at his husband before he’d even closed the car door.

Alex dropped his suitcase just as Michael swept him into his arms, his legs wrapping around Michael’s waist and his face buried in the crook of Michael’s neck. Michael groaned, long and low, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest now as he touched every inch of Alex he could reach, breathing him in and pulling him closer, closer, closer.

“I’m so tired,” Alex murmured wearily, hugging Michael’s shoulders tighter and cuddling into him like he was planning to fall asleep right there.

Michael couldn’t speak for a moment, running a hand between Alex’s shoulder blades, up and down his waist, clawing over his ass. Anything to keep him close, to feel him for hours after he eventually put him down. At least, Michael hoped he would put him down. Right now, he couldn’t imagine it.

Alex seemed to recognize that, and made no request to be released. He slid a hand into Michael’s curls and tugged. “You were so brave for me, baby,” he said. “I’m so proud of you.”

Michael shut his eyes tighter, holding onto Alex like his life depended on it. Sometimes, he thought it did. He wondered how brave Alex would think he was if he told him that.

“No big deal,” he finally said, releasing his first deep breath in days. “Barely noticed you were gone.”

***

Happy Malex Monday ❤️