#makes mental note about doujin-

[localplaguenurse]

There's a doujinshi where Zhongli becomes a child and in the panel where he's introduced I'm just thinking "That's what Kei would look like" Like look at this little cutie. (Small heads up, it's a ZhonChilde doujin and the other parts get nsfw)

That's basically how I imagine Kei, except with messier, shorter hair. Also a tiger instead of a chonkli, but you know what, I'm gonna give him a few Rex Lapis toys. He's just a little guy! A baby!

[takerfoxx]

Okay, about halfway through my Evangelion rewatch, and I swear to God this show has taken over my life. Like, even though I've seen it before and recently watched the Rebuild films, it's just clicked with me in a way that hasn't happened in a very long time, and I am loving it.

Anyway.

One thing that I noticed is that while the show gets off on a very depressing note that shines a spotlight on Shinji's problems, from the agony he experiences while piloting the Eva to his crippling depression and everything, once he makes the decision to stay, the tone shifts. Like, all those issues don't really go away fully, but for a little bit, the show gets a lot more lighthearted, becoming almost a traditional giant robots fighting aliens-type show. Shinji's mental health improves exponentially, he forms several healthy relationships, he actually does rather well as a pilot, and things seem to be on the upswing for him.

And then Asuka shows up and...actually, things sort of get better?

Okay, let me explain. The first time I watched this show like fifteen years ago, I couldn't stand Asuka. I thought that she was an entitled, insecure brat, and her treatment of Shinji and Rei was totally uncalled for. However, now that I've experienced this story in both of its entireties, processed all the characters and the complexities of their portrayals, and experienced various interpretations of them through various fanfics, doujins, spin-offs, etc., revisiting the original Asuka that spawned all of these reactions is...honestly, it's not nearly as bad as I remember. Yeah, she's still an insecure brat, but I get it now. And her beef with Shinji and Rei comes from her literally being groomed to be the best Eva pilot imaginable while being traumatized by her mother's suicide, leading her to see the other two pilots as both a threat to her position as well as disappointments for not living up to her standards, hence her hostile treatment of them. Even still, we see that facade crack and she does display moments of genuine kindness and comradery with them.

Also, later events have caused people to view Shinji as something of the most extreme of doormats, but for now, he actually isn't? Like, okay, he's still kind of a pushover, but he does get frustrated, he does push back against Asuka, he does snap and start arguing. At the same time, you can also seem them trying to connect in their highly damaged, kind of awkward ways. It's not working, but you see the attempt, and overall, their dynamic does get played more for laughs and slapstick, at least in the early stages.

Of course, all of that goes out the window later on when everyone gets SOOOO much worse, but for now, it's nice to see these kids' relationship in it's healthiest stage. That scene where they all sit on the hill watching the stars together was honestly adorable, as well as Asuka deliberately eschewing a fancy steak dinner in favor of a trip to a ramen shack so Rei could participate.

As for me being ride or die for a poly ending for this trio, was it at all changed by revisiting the source material? Haha, NOPE! If anything, it was strengthened, given that all three have their unique dynamics with each other instead of the tired cliche of two people fighting over a third and it's all like, "Oh, who will they choose?" Y'ALL HAVE TWO HANDS APIECE!

Though on a more deeply personal side, I think that's why I've had Evangelion infest my mind like it has as of late. I just sort of relate to Shinji, Rei, and Asuka a whole bunch and see aspects of myself in all three, and I just kind of want them to be happy together, but, in this timeline at least, I know that that's not meant to be.

Speaking of complicated characters, Touji and Kensuke certainly are that, because on the one hand, they are kind of best boys in how ride or die they are for Shinji, basically becoming the close friends that he definitely needed and going out of their way to check in on him and support him and stick up for him.

On the other hand, they are also selling creep shots of Asuka and their other female classmates. Like, okay, 90's Japan culture and how that gets played for laughs back then, I get it. Still, not cool, guys. But I guess it just goes with the theme of how these are all messy individuals kind of stumbling their way through their messy lives, and everyone has their good and bad qualities.

Another observations. The virus takeover episode was one of the series' finest, as the whole bottle episode thing where the adults have to solve a unique problem while the pilots were otherwise out of the picture made for a great change of pace and was tense as hell. The dancing episode is a fan favorite for a reason and must've made the AsuShin ship explode early on.

Also, I know that we're supposed to hate the JSSDF because their rep was kind of a jerk to Misato and put down NERV and all (plus the later massacre in the movie), but to be honest, now knowing what we know about NERV and the Evangelions, he was kind of right in everything he was criticizing them about? And the fact that Jet Alone was deliberately sabotaged by NERV in a sort of petty dick-waving contest only puts them in a worse light. Honestly, if the two organizations had actually behaved like adults and cooperated, things might've gone so much better.

But then again, Gendo's got to Gendo, what with SEELE and their whole agenda and everything.

And on a more critical side!

Okay, I've said my piece about all of the weird creep shots in the Rebuild movies and how distracting and, well, uncomfortable they were. Like, okay, I know this whole series is low-key horny, and using Misato for some cheesecake shots, that's fine. But, like I said about Toji and Kensuke's creepy photo business...yeah. It's not as bad as it was in the Rebuild movies, which really took things way over the top, but it's still there.

And honestly, some of it you can get away with. Like, I don't have an issue with the scene between Shinji and Rei in the apartment, or Shinji ogling the girls in their swimsuits, or overhearing Asuka and Misato in the hotspring and having a reaction, because he's a repressed kid full of hormones in a very stressful situation. It makes sense that he would be like that. Same with Asuka's flirty side and how she hangs off of Kaji in a very inappropriate manner. Or Rei's lack of inhibitions. All of these make sense for their characters. I don't even have a problem with how Misato teases Shinji, because she's portrayed as somewhat of an emotionally stunted womanchild.

But when it's not from his or anyone else's point of view and you're just showing fanservice shots of your explicitly underaged characters, it gets kind of, well...

Okay, the point I'm making is...was there like a specific reason for the nude sync test? At all? Did it serve the plot in any way? Yeah, you need them in the plugs to get them out of the way so that the grown-ups could have an episode, but c'mon. Was it really necessary other than to get shots of them naked in their cockpits? Even from a character standpoint, I think Asuka at the very least would have protested more!

I dunno, I know it's a rampant problem in anime and always has been and you kind of need some level of tolerance, but that scene in particular did stand out as a great big, "Why is this happening?" Maybe if it had actually led to something it'd be better, but it didn't.

But Evangelion has always been messy and complicated, and that little bug aside, it's easy to see why it captured so many people's attention when it first came out and still does to this day. Hell, it's definitely consumed my every waking moment as of late.

However, Rei's little existential crisis is any indication, I'm approaching the part where things get really weird, so, that'll be...interesting.

[burinazar]

i was writing something here bitching about how demoralizing and how “this place doesn’t value fanartists” it feels to see mass uncredited art dumps in a specific fandom venue and how it was really epitomized when I spotted a really personal piece in there with the dump whose story when the artist shared it on Twitter pretty much moved me to happy tears and now here it was without her story or name being treated as Content unrelated to a human person’s expression of something really personal, but then tumblr ate the entire post (it was long and went on tangents bitching about the fandom in general lol) so I’m not gonna bother

on a more positive fandom related note. am so excited for akotoma. Currently making little gifts to hand out cuz that’s part of doujin event culture here. even if we can’t understand each other i think there’s some sense of Game Recognizing Game with my jp fandom moots, and the jp contingent of ganja squad fans can respect and understand the mentality of that one weird overseas fan (who is no longer overseas oops) who’s written a gazillion 英語でガンジャ隊の小説 and it’ll be really cool to be Among My People in this sense

[centrally-unplanned]

What was Evangelion? A Collection of Doujinshi Works - Batch 1

Comic Box 1997 End of Evangelion Special Archiving Project - Entry #3

The majority of the rest of the feature involves submissions by ‘fans’ of Evangelion sharing their thoughts on End of Evangelion & Eva as a whole in hybrid art/essay form. I put ‘fans’ in quotation marks because this group is selective; it is almost entirely doujinshi artists or even professionals in the industry. They are certainly lovers of Evangelion; but they are also producers of content that depends on that industry, and have a unique relationship with anime in comparison to the median fan. I think this feature is truly valuable as a sociological sample of how the anime community saw Evangelion, but it is important to note that this sample is not representative.

Since their comments are straightforward, I will not provide an introductory analysis - I will instead provide the page and a translation below. Additionally, I will showcase information about the authors of these pieces; I find these works to be beautiful, hilarious, and/or heartfelt, sometimes created by artists lost to time. Hopefully I can reveal a small piece of lives of the people behind this collective response to Evangelion.

I'll add the first translation here that matches the title image, and the rest will be in the link at the end:

What was Evangelion?

A Collection of Doujinshi Works

Children still worry, love, and continue to live on... and we draw another Evangelion...

“The grace of god has arrived to save us all” by Ao Takegawa

I watched "The End of Evangelion" twice on its opening day. After the second viewing, a person behind me said, "I don't understand," while others in the theater said, "I don't like it," and my sister and I were upset by their words. However, I think this is truly a good thing about Evangelion. If everyone is convinced of the same viewpoint after watching, it's not really Evangelion anymore. There are parts that are extremely appealing and parts that are extremely detestable, and the fact that it doesn't try to explain everything from top to bottom is what makes it great.

I love it. I think that Evangelion is very good at handling the mentality of its characters, and probably would not have reached the eyes and ears of so many people if it had been made in a normal, preachy way. It's interesting even if you only think about the characters without thinking about anything else (laughs); I like that those who want to think about every part of the show can, and those who don't can just enjoy it without thinking too much. So, "What was Evangelion” I think my answer to that question is, "Evangelion was great.” (Laughs) ← am I an idiot?

- Ao Takegawa, 1997.8.5.

Author Info

Ao Takegawa was a member FANATICS (sometimes called FANATICA) doujin circle, and was from what I can gather one of their key artists. They published a very extensive series of doujin around Evangelion - you can see some listings on Mandarake here - which stood out for their soft-pastel art style and inclusion of detailed plots. From what I have seen there is a lot of Kaworu, though they were not restricted to yaoi works.

I unfortunately have been unable to find much more about this author - none of these doujin appear to be scanned, no extant social media presence or discussion of their works, etc. Hopefully someday this doujin series can be rendered more accessible.

See the rest below if you wish of course:

[aliasl]

ok, I've been tagged in this enough times that i've finally read everything and feel like responding

FIRST, I admire your passion, @osakanone. But I'd advise you redirect that passion to enjoyment and not competition.

I DON'T want to insult you, but I'll just say: you seem young. The demographic you are counting as "shippers," and thus the units you are measuring popularity of the aforementioned ships by, are fanfic writers. It gives you numbers to work with, but it's not fair to say that the number of fics directly relates to number of fans of a ship. Writing is a huge undertaking that not every ship enjoyer undertakes, and not only that, it's a strange metric to focus on - what about fan art? What about DOUJINSHI???

Gundam, as a Japanese property, has its own unique fandom ecosystem. I'm an American who's been an anime fan a loooooong time, and I don't know all the ins and outs, but fanfiction doesn't seem to be a popular medium there. Rather, doujin is king.

And let's talk about fan works... Why do they exist? Because, despite how much you enjoy a piece of media, you see something missing. You don't transcribe a show when you write fanfic. It's a creative process. Talking about doujin - a visible, money-making part of fandom - that's an easy way for a mangaka/creator to see the popularity of their work; rather than a census (like Shonen Jump will do a weekly popularity quiz), you have Comiket. And so, Yoshiyuki Tomino rightly points out the fujos as the true, passionate fanbase - the fellow creators, not just the consumers who buy toys. But why do "fujoshi" exist? These "rotten women"? Because they see gay love where a homophobic, majority straight audience (by which I mean society) refuse to. And we won't get into a conversation about "fetishizing homosexuality" and "authorial intent." Maybe Tomino would have included explicit gay representation in his shows if he could, but... we all know that Gundam is not that.

Thus all the gay fanworks, in which fans make up for what canon lacks. And you probably don't all ship the same ships. Or agree on characterization. And anyway, "The work of many artists, designers, writers, even videos of events are just lost media because we didn't have the archival mentality adults develop" ....... When I was a teenager, I was saving jpegs of my fav yaois to my PC en masse. Archival ain't just an adult mindset; shipping isn't majority teenagers. If even the creators of fan works aren't holding onto their work and reuploading on modern, supported sites... that speaks to a lack of care, not just a lack of foresight.

FFN went to adult fanfiction.net or live journal or ao3, and it was up to the authors to transfer their works themselves (you DO NOT reupload someone else's work FOR THEM). So if they didn't... it was they who moved on. REITERATING AGAIN: the number of fanfics does not equal the number of shippers (and not just because one author could be uploading a hundred fics of the same pair - it's just not a direct measurement), but it was an easy number to point to when *checks notes ... can't find it, has to Google* "Sulemio" was pitted against Destiel.

Gundam Witch Mercury premiered in 2022!! Destiel became a ship in 2008!!!!!! With all due respect, it was not a fair fight nor is a Tumblr poll an accurate census. "urgh this is just a trend tumblr will get over it and go back to supernatural" I certainly have. I never got around to watching this Gundam show, though I've heard a bit about it - only great things. Meanwhile, I am still obsessing over Supernatural (and particularly Destiel) four years after the show ended, and over a decade since I started watching the show. I don't expect everyone to share my obsession. Tumblr may be the destiel site, but no one is enforcing ship supremacy.

It was a bad idea to start a fight over ships to begin with! Again, "Sulemio" has existed 2 years; Destiel has existed 16!!! It's just basic respect for legacy. You think I ship Spirk?? No. I never got into Star Trek. I don't find Shatner and Nemoy attractive or compelling, personally. But do I go kick the hornet's nest? No. This has transformed two molehills into an ugly mountain. Now, you're casting aspersions like Destiel shippers are "waspy Americans." As though it isn't also a global phenomenon (which just isn't impressive these days, with the internet. What ISN'T a global phenomenon?). Spn also has a female majority audience. We are not so different. Only in size.

So can we not make this about race? Or ethnicity? Or country? Or men vs women? Let's just not insult entire fanbases! You don't make yourself big by trying to make others feel small.

P.S. I never heard of Yukio Mishima before, but reading the Wikipedia page on his Forbidden Color book, without much context... why are we upholding misogynist, infidelious gays as great gay storytelling? You know the root of homophobia is male misogyny. All my homies hate gay misogynists.

tldr; nature is NOT healing. same shit, different day. there'll be peace when we are done, which is how you know we ain't done yet 🙄 😒

UPDATE: The Destiel/Supernats aren't taking this well -- explaining my reasoning for the history I gave, and why Destiel is not the big bitch of shipping that it thinks it is

An update to THIS:

"This is just a marketing thing, Gundam is a giant robot show, only men watch it!"

Gundam's fandom is silent majoratively feminine:

"But its not gay, its about giant robots!"

Gundam is very gay. The entire climax of the first story is a riff of Yukio Mishima lmao

The climax of the Amuro/Char arc of Universal Century Gundam (expounding from first Gundam circa 1979), Char's Counterattack is somewhat on the history of Japanese disillusion with liberalism which notably climaxed with the life and history of Yukio Mishima.

You know. THAT Yukio Mishima.

The one who wrote FORBIDDEN COLOURS.

It was so gay that the fanfiction inspired by it became its own damn anime:

And that's just Charmuro, let alone Charma or a billion other ships just in OG Gundam alone.

We've got This is before we get to Guin Sard Lineford and Yamagi Glimerton (both verrrrry gay), Tieria Erde (a genderqueer trans-coded character who transcends gender entirely in their arc) and a bunch of others.

Gundam was always gay.

"I don't see the numbers"

"That doesn't seem like much, Supernat is at least 2x this"

Sooooo the amount of content you do see isn't representative of how much even got written, given FFN had a huge content purge.

First, let's start with the relative proportion of users: If we're analysing the concept of fandom, we first have to look at who had access to the internet in the first place to publish works.

Yeah that's a pretty sizable difference.

Wing's fandom actually exploded in 2000, but got capped VERY early, distributing itself to fansites when FFN fragmented and collapsed.

Why?

Content purges!

"Isn't there some sort of online archive of this stuff?"

Sure, if you wanna dig through tons and tons of Angelfire and Geocities pages which have mostly disappeared. Otherwise, no! There is no archive of this stuff?

"Why?"

They've since rolled back on this but it means there's a massive amount of lost media out there, including the discussions on it and thus there's an entire history you didn't get to experience.

Its actually very difficult to reach people who've been involved, since it was so long ago that very few people remember, and a sizable proportion of that population have actually died.

"But what about SF fandoms? We have ancient records of stuff like Spirk!"

See unlike physical media like zines, when a server goes offline or there's a data-loss, or something like that there is no surviving copy of the thing in question.

The net result is we have this weird hole where content just vanished, and its now considered lost media. The work of many artists, designers, writers, even videos of events are just lost media because we didn't have the archival mentality adults develop.

You're not gonna hear about all the X-Files stuff or Frasier fanfictions or GW stuff because of these purges and the lack of physical media. FFN users were teens, not adults with resources like US/EU/JP SF fans, who had archival tendencies due to their long history.

So there is this supermassive black-hole in the history of fanfiction running between 1998, and 2008 and some of the only evidence of it are worksafe works and fansites which the owners have long since forgotten about because folks moved on. Moving on is a normal part of fandom.

So to those of you just saying "supernatural is losing to a pair of dumb anime girls" or "urgh this is just a trend tumblr will get over it and go back to supernatural"...

Uhhhhh no they won't, actually?

Supernat's fans mostly seem to be waspy Americans. Gundam is kind of a global phenomenon, one which has traditionally had a silent majority female audience, a vocal minority male audience -- and every time that majority has spoken up, its coincided with a content purge, or a TOS change that mysteriously biases American derived fiction over Japanese derived fiction.

Funny that.

tl;dr:

NATURE IS HEALING

[xox-l0v3l1-l1y4-xox]

My name's Liya, and this is my blog!!! ♡ Here's some things about me that are important to know:

☆ DNI if you are: racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, a minor (don't PM, but anything else is fine as anything NSFW will most likely be labeled as such), anti-any of my ships or just a closed-minded person in general

☆ 22 yrs old

☆ Genderdoe (any NON-MASCULINE pronouns except it/its)

☆ Black-American

☆ Proud Finsexual (with very few exceptions) & Scenemo

☆ Will be posting:

My various collections

(Maybe) OOTD

(Maybe) Fanfiction

(Maybe) Roleplay requests

Downloads of my Vocal Synth CDs FOR PRESERVATION PURPOSES (Most Vocal Synthesis albums are doujin works (self-published by their producers), and if they aren't uploaded to the internet by people who own them, there is a very real chance that the songs on them could end up like they never existed)

Anything else I feel like posting!!

☆ Some aesthetics I like (in no particular order): Kawaii, Pastel, Gyaru, Sanriocore, Fairy Kei, Y2K, Yume Kawaii, Lolita, Girly Kei, Decora, Emo, Visual Kei, Lisa Frank (I love everything from the brand, wish she didn't turn out to be such an ass (T^T)), Fairycore, Animecore/Moe, Scene, Any J-fashion that starts with the word "hime", Coquette/Dark Coquette, Hadeko, Mall & Pastel Goth, Raver/Cybergoth, Mizuiro, Lovecore, Pop Kei, Menhera, Eyestrain/Rainbowcore/Scenecore/Glitchcore (I've seen this go by so many different names, I'm just gonna list them all xD + bonus points for glitter graphics), Jojifuku & Kidcore - & any combination of these!!!

PLEASE NOTE: I AM MENTALLY ILL (DEPRESSION FOR SURE, VERY LIKELY TO HAVE ANXIETY) & MAY MAKE VENT POSTS, EVEN MORE IF I'M HAVING A PARTICULARLY HARD TIME. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING HONEST ABOUT MY STRUGGLES & THEY CAN LAST FOR ANY PERIOD; DNI IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT

[fgodestinyawakenings]

A/B/O AUs

A huge disclaimer: I have read up here and there on ABO verse but forgive me in advance if some are completely wrong including mpreg with Servants. Because well... Given what the Holy Grail is capable of and our favorite hentai doujin artist who did the work.... Just take all of this with a damn pinch of salt OTL

Edit (24/10/21): decided to publish this headcanon out after watching Solomon Singularity movie from the feels

Gudao is the older brother and an Omega while his younger stepsister Gudako is an Alpha in the Fujimaru family.

From childhood, Gudako has been violently protective but also can be supportive if she sensed the Alpha either Gudao or said Alpha is someone worthy to protect and love her brother

With suppressants and behavior compared to a beta or an Alpha-like personality earning him a position as Student Council President in high school, not a soul once bat an eye on the thought he would be an Omega.

Gudako's partner is Mash, but there's a building harem from Kiyohime, Serenity and many other female Servants that showed interest in her as their mate.

As of now, Gudako has yet to mark Mash out of respect and desire wanting to take things slow due to Mash’s sheltered life in Chaldea. They have helped each other heat and rut, but were careful in not getting pregnant due to current circumstances.

For Gudao, however, when he first joined Chaldea showed interest and from growing friendship to love to the Beta doctor Romani Archaman. Both were drawn to each other due to sharing similar traits in their love for Magi*Mari and found at ease to be themselves.

But, their relaionship make Gudako worries for her brother future and at times violently threaten Romani to behave himself once the latter discovered by accident of Gudao’s scent when he visited his room to pick up the report when he was showering.

Her protectiveness also stemmed from the society where because a Beta and an Omega will never be happy together once the Omega found their Alpha partner.

But yet through all singularities and events, even meeting tons of other Alpha and Beta Male Servants, especially Alpha Caster Gilgamesh and Alpha Merlin, Gudao only have his eyes and still chose Romani to be his mate instead.

In truth before the start of Babylon a Singularity after Gudao remained to believe Romani is on their side despite Holmes and Old Man Hassan’s claims... Romani finally revealed his true identity to him and the reason why Gudao is drawn to him despite him being a Beta.

Romani Archaman is actually King Solomon, an Alpha Servant who wished for the Holy Grail to become a normal human. But because the essence of his true nature remain and unable to erase when he becomes human, it drawn him to Gudao and vice versa.

This also caused him problems especially when he was in rut, having to give himself excuse to hide from his fellow colleagues. Those who knew about his real Alpha status was only Da Vinci, and the previous Director Marisbury.

Because of his circumstances, Romani/Solomon proposed Gudao to wait for him until the Grand Order mission is over and when he graduated from High School

Gudao’s and Romani’s love unfortunately ended shortly when Romani/Solomon sacrificed his existence to give Gudao and his sister the opening to defeat Goetia once and for all

Despite the victory earn to save humanity from extinction, the price would have nearly broken Gudao mentally at the loss of his Alpha partner without his sister and everyone in Chaldea to help coping through the grief

While coping his grief, Gudako sensed two life essence within him. And her intuition proven correct when there were unusual symptoms of mood swings and vomiting of how a pregnant person was.

Her older brother Gudao was pregnant with Romani's children: a pair of twin boys for a month. The evidence was found in the last checkup note with Romani who done  it before they went off to defeat Goetia.

It had happened when Romani’s rut started before a meeting to conclude Babylonia Singularity started. And to avoid anyone to realize Romani’s alpha scent and even potentially on his true identity to be revealed, Gudao assisted his lover to bring back to his room to hide and to deal with his rut.

At the same time due to the stress that causes unstable cycle of his own heat, Gudao’s own omega heat started which in a passion any protection and contraceptive medications need to take were forgotten for that heated moment.

The doctor was conflicted whether to reveal this crucial information to his beloved which would forced Gudao to withdraw his position as the main commanding Master for the mission. Or, to keep it a secret until the mission was over to reveal, propose and finally mark his beloved Gudao as his mate once and for all.

Eventually he chose the former out of reluctance and his faith Gudao would come back safely and well with their children, knowing he and his sister went and gain through enough experiences and friends to survive against Goetia.

Gudao finally gives birth to his twin son Rehoboam and Menelik. Rehoboam his black hair and green eyes, while Menelik has white hair and blue eyes

Rehoboam has both Ritsuka and Solomon's former mature and confident personality, while Menelik is more closer to Romani's personality of being timid coward.

Ritsuka now being a single dad subsequently to raise his children just own seem to just raise people's desire to want him as their mate. But both his sons got their Aunt protective nature to protect their father from those men, including Merlin

[kakairu-fest]

We're excited to reveal the prompts for KakaIru Week 2020!

This is an open event. You do not need to sign up. Everyone is welcome to join!

You can write or draw something for one day or all eight! Create something for one prompt a day or both. Or combine both daily prompts in one work.

Feel free to interpret the prompts any way you'd like! But if you need some inspiration, check below the cut for more on each.

You can find the AO3 collection for this event here.

Rules and Guidelines

Works must be endgame KakaIru.

Art, fic, and all other works are welcome!

There’s no minimum word count for fics.

All works should be created for this event. Old works are not allowed.

There are no restrictions on rating or content, but be sure to tag your work appropriately.

Please make it clear which prompt you are filling by including it in your tags or notes.

Post on the designated day if you can, but if not, late posts are also okay.

We have an AO3 collection for the event here, and we encourage you to post your works to the collection.

If you are posting to AO3 or tumblr, use "KakaIru Week 2020" as a tag. If you are posting on Twitter, use #KakaIruWeek2020.

We will be reblogging and doing recap posts during the week. Works submitted to the AO3 collection and anything on tumblr tagged with "KakaIru Week 2020" and @kakairu_fest will be included. @ us on Twitter (KakaIru_Fest) if you post your work there. If we've missed your post, please let us know!

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

We hope you'll participate and that there will be a lot of amazing fic and art created to celebrate KakaIru and Kakashi's birthday!

KakaIru Week 2020 Prompts

Like last year, the prompts are general themes instead of specific tropes, which should hopefully give you lots of room to play and mix in the things you like. Your Wedding fanart could be Royalty AU, or your Hobbies fic could led to some high quality Huddling for Warmth shenanigans. We can't wait to see you put your own spin on them!

There are dozens of ways you could take the prompts, but if you are struggling to come up with something, check out a few of our suggestions behind the cut.

Day One (September 8th) 

Hobbies – Kakashi claims to be a man of many hobbies, but what are they? Does he own every piece of Icha Icha merch available or have a bookshelf full of Icha Icha doujin? Does Iruka collect pamphlets from all the onsen he visits? Do they pick up any crazy hobbies after retirement? Today Kakashi and Iruka get to be extra geeky about their interests!

Weddings – Their own or someone else's. Maybe one of them catches Hinata's bouquet, or their friends drag them out for a stag night before their own big day. Do they have a quick Justice of Peace wedding, or do Team 7 make sure they have an elaborate affair whether they want one or not? How do they celebrate their wedding night? Here's your chance to give KakaIru the crazy ninja wedding they deserve!

Day Two (September 9th) 

Confessions – Love confessions, admitting to a guilty pleasure, telling a secret, owning up to something they did wrong. Maybe Iruka admits that he, too, loves Icha Icha, or Kakashi confesses to having a crush on Iruka for ages. What confessions will KakaIru make today?

Health – Who's more likely to catch a cold, and who's the worst patient when they are sick? What are their exercise routines and diets like? How do they deal with mental health? Whether it's recovering from injuries or staying in good physical condition, how do KakaIru do it?

Day Three (September 10th) 

Missions – Missions where they have to work together, missions where they are missing each other, or maybe something a little more unofficial. Does young Iruka make it his mission to prank that one ANBU with gray hair, or is Kakashi on a mission to get Iruka to read the entire Icha Icha series? Maybe they're both on a mission to get Naruto to eat his vegetables. Give KakaIru a mission to complete today!

Thanks – It's time for KakaIru to show their appreciation for the things and people around them! It could be as simple as Kakashi enjoying the view whenever Iruka bends over, or something more serious, like Iruka being grateful Kakashi makes it home alive after a dangerous mission. What are KakaIru thankful for?

Day Four (September 11th) 

Lessons – Classes, extracurricular activities, homework, grading. What did they learn when they were at the Academy or from their jounin sensei? Maybe they are in a night class together, or they have to help Naruto with his homework. Or maybe they learn something new from each other when they start working together or dating. What lessons do KakaIru learn today?

Dreams – What dreams did they have as kids? What do they dream about at night? Has one been having dirty dreams about the other? How do they get over nightmares or help each other achieve their dreams? Today, KakaIru get to dream big!

Day Five (September 12th) 

Pets – Are Kakashi's ninken up to trouble again? Does Iruka's homeroom have a classroom pet? What summons would Iruka have and would they get along with Kakashi's ninken? Summons or normal, what kind of animals do they have?

Hand-Me-Downs – What did they get from their parents or senpai? We know Iruka gave his forehead protector to Naruto, but what else do they pass on to Naruto and his children (or to children of their own)? What heirlooms are precious to KakaIru?

Day Six (September 13th) 

Letters – Love letters, letters from Naruto while he is away, postcards to each other when they are traveling or on missions. What sort of letters do Kakashi and Iruka write each other? Or if you are feeling ambitious, maybe you'd like to try your hand at an epistolary fic!

Anniversaries – Are they one of those couples that celebrate every tiny anniversary or do they forget even the important ones? How do they mark the anniversaries of their loved ones' deaths or Naruto becoming hokage? Do their friends throw them a massive 40th wedding anniversary when they are officially an old married couple, not just one that acts like it? Today it's time to celebrate all the important moments in Kakashi and Iruka's lives!

Day Seven (September 14th) 

Switch – Swap anything about them! Their jobs, bodies, ninjutsu, weapons, clans, or even just their hair color. Hokage Iruka and principal Kakashi, anyone? Or you could use something from other characters! Who wouldn't want to see Kakashi in Sai's crop top or Iruka in Anko's fishnet? Switch something up today!

Crossover – What Hogwarts house would they be in? Is Iruka the Watson to Kakashi's Sherlock? Or they could be members of the most popular idol group in the world. Now's the time to write or draw that KakaIru!!! on Ice idea you've been holding onto. Add in elements from your other fandoms and have fun!

Kakashi's Birthday 2020 (September 15th) 

Birthday – It's Kakashi's birthday! How does he celebrate? Are there surprise parties? Presents? A limited edition Icha Icha figurine waiting to be unwrapped? Or maybe an Iruka waiting to be unwrapped? Celebrate Kakashi's birthday KakaIru style!

Surprises – Maybe a guest shows up uninvited or KakaIru are interrupted by people who don't know how to knock. Maybe Iruka surprises Kakashi when he gives him a taste of his mischievous past, or maybe Kakashi likes to make surprise visits to Iruka's classroom while his students are on break. If you aren't feeling the birthday theme, how about surprising Kakashi and Iruka in general today?

(Banners by @squeakyninja.)

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Manga Review - April Fools' Suicide

As much as I LOVE covering and reviewing the latest and greatest releases from the “big” names in Yuri, such as they are in what is still a niche genre, it is nice every once in a while to take a look at an up-and-comer. Unfortunately, the vast majority of English releases are from works that have already obtained some modicum of success in Japan and are well known. However, thanks to the power of the internet, I occasionally get the privilege of reviewing something a bit more obscure, such as Sumire’s April Fools’ Suicide. This original doujinshi began as a short comic on Twitter, then morphed into the author’s graduation project, and finally was completed as the volume I am reviewing today.

April Fools’ Suicide begins as the protagonist Miyata stands on a rooftop, prepared to jump to her death. Immediately, this sets off a barrage of red flags. While topics such as suicide and mental illness should not by any means be avoided in manga, far from it, they are essential to discuss in media, I am always wary of their presence. There is a right way and a very wrong way to depict suicide or suicidal thoughts. April Fools’ Suicide falls somewhere in between these two categories. April Fools’ Suicide does not work to link the suicide with any mental illness or demonstrate how help is available to those suffering. I will admit, I am probably more aware of these pitfalls than most, given that I work with a crisis line and train people in suicide prevention.

However, credit where credit is due, there are some aspects of the manga and its depiction of suicide I really like and appreciate. For one, Miyata does not die by suicide. Another girl, Tanaka, appears on the roof and declares that she has fallen in love with Miyata. This savior or lifeline character arc is incredible, although it is, of course, compounded with the sudden ridiculous declaration of love from a complete stranger, but such is Yuri. Additionally, as the manga progresses, Miyata’s life improves. The harassment and bullying she was experiencing stops, thanks to Tanaka, and she eventually makes friends and is able to stand on her own two feet. Major props to Sumire for showing how life can go on and be better.

Okay, enough about suicide, although if that topic makes you exceptionally uncomfortable, you probably want to avoid this manga regardless of the contents of this review. The plot continues as Miyata is shocked to discover that Tanaka is a new transfer student to her school. The two become friends, but Miyata eventually pushes Tanaka away. There are some shocking revelations, which I may add are appropriately foreshadowed and fit with the work’s overall tone, a bunch of wholly unrealistic decisions, and voila the girls are together. Yes, it is a standard girl-meets-girl, Yuri storyline. Although the drama, in this case, is not blown out of proportion as it usually is in this genre, although the heavy contents are not necessarily a plus.

April Fools’ Suicide’s plot is nothing too special, although the presentation is tight and focused. The pacing also feels hugely rushed, with no real-time for a relationship or bond to develop, which is more of a byproduct of being a one-shot doujin than anything else. It is not impossible in this medium, but it is extraordinarily difficult to do right. The characters are not as rushed nor as tepid, however. As previously mentioned, Miyata grows significantly in confidence and contentedness over the course of the volume, although her initial personality is not very defined at all beyond suicidal and lonely. Tanaka is a much more interesting character. She presents a playful and brave face but has a reputation for getting into fights, a status which she uses to her advantage. However, her vulnerabilities and struggles are highlighted in a beautiful, if disturbing, way.

Much like the core plot, the art of April Fools’ Suicide, is competent but unimpressive. It is nothing astounding in it, but neither is there any content that truly offends my eyes, aside from one misaligned double-page spread. Sumire has a few good pieces of art, a landscape shot of the city, a dramatic closeup during an emotional moment. She also uses the standard artwork effectively, with dynamic direction and smart choices compensating for the mediocre aspects. However, the cute moe character designs greatly detract and distract from the intense material the manga attempts to portray. Perhaps the great Moto Momono could pull off this combination, but here is unfortunately awkward. Additionally, on the note of presentation, while Macaron Press did an excellent job translating this manga, the typography is a severe flaw. The mixed-case font used throughout most of the manga makes it hard to read, as character heights are all over the place.

While I have pointed out some of April Fools’ Suicide shortcomings, it should be noted that this is not a bad manga. In fact, I was perhaps harder on this manga than I would typically be with a doujinshi because its presentation is so slick, aside from the glaring lettering problems. The story handles a complicated and risky story competently, though not gracefully, and the quality is consistent. Ultimately, April Fools’ Suicide is a true Yuri manga through and through, taking in all the drama, lack of realism, and metanarratives the genre has to offer. I had a pleasant time and with it and found it heartfelt and think you might too. The first part of the manga is available to read for free on Pixiv, so you have nothing to lose by checking it out.

Oh, one last thing, the bonus chapter/epilogue is so sweet, pure, and adorable. I am not saying buy it just for that, but I am not dissuading it.

Ratings: Story – 5 Characters – 5 Art – 6 LGBTQ – 4 Sexual Content – 1 Final – 5

Purchase April Fools' Suicide digitally in English and Japanese on booth and read part one on Pixiv

Review copy provided by Macaron Press

[ryqoshay]

Tri-Arame: Take the Lead Right

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: ~1.4k Rating: T with my signature implied off camera M finish Time Frame: First year of college? Maybe second? Dunno yet Story Arc: Stand Alone

----------

Author’s Note: I really do intend to write some scenes for my other fics, honest. But a, I can’t help where my µ’s muse leads and b, I checked a few versions of the ship tag last time and found the results... lacking.

Also, the link to the inspiration for this scene will be in the followup post.

----------

“Mmm… that was so~ good…” Yuu leaned back and let out a content sigh. “Setsuna-chan and I are becoming a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen.” She grinned. “Maybe someday we’ll be as good as you, Ayumu.”

“I think you may already be there.” Ayumu said, raising her last bite as if to toast the idea.

Setsuna shook her head. “No, I believe Ayumu-san is still the best cook among us.” She offered a smile to the blushing redhead before picking up her plate.

“I’ll take that.” Ayumu said, reaching over. “You two made dinner, so I’ll clean up.”

“You sure?” Yuu asked.

Ayumu nodded. “I should be done before the episode airs if one of you wants to set things up.” With that said, she stacked the three plates and moved everything over to the sink.

As she began washing, Ayumu couldn’t help glancing over regularly toward the others. She enjoyed watching Setsuna’s excitement as she unlocked Ayumu’s laptop and brought up the streaming site. It came as no surprise that a moment later, sounds from the previous episode started coming out of the speakers as the anime addicted girl skimmed through it for a review.

For her part, Yuu remained in her prior position. From there, she could see the screen, but like Ayumu, she seemed more content with watching Setsuna.

“Ne, do you think we have enough time to make tea?” Yuu suddenly asked after a few minutes.

“Probably.” Ayumu responded. “Want me to put on the kettle?

“I’ll get it.” The twin-tailed girl bounced up. “Anyone else want some?”

“Yes, please.” The redhead nodded.

“Setsuna-chan?” Yuu asked.

“Mm?” The raven-haired girl startled from her review session and looked up.

“Tea?”

“Oh, yes, sorry, yes, thank you, please.” Despite where her gaze was directed, her attention was obviously still on the show.

Yuu laughed lightly and moved to the kitchen to fill the kettle. Not long after, Ayumu finished with the dishes and headed back to the kotatsu. However, instead of taking her usual spot on her own side, she settled in directly next to the girl already there. For her part, Setsuna glanced over and offered a quick smile.

Once the tea was ready, Yuu brought it out to the table and sat down on the other side of Setsuna from Ayumu. It was almost perfectly timed as Setsuna was ready to switch tabs, refresh and begin streaming the newly uploaded episode. Finally settled, the trio, crowded comfortably together, began to watch.

As far as Ayumu was concerned, the anime in question was yet another high fantasy with powerful heroes, dastardly villains and a decidedly contrived romantic subplot. But Setsuna was utterly obsessed with it, having collected the entire manga set, several hard copies of popular doujinshi, a few posters and even figures of two main heroines. And Yuu was quite enthusiastic about the series as well, though nowhere near Setsuna’s level.

As such, it was more her girlfriends’ passion for the series that interested Ayumu than the anime itself, but she paid attention nonetheless so she could participate in the conversations that would inevitably follow the ending credits. Tonight’s episode was particularly important as it was the season finale.

And befitting of a season finale of such a series, the action was packed to the brim as the heroes confronted the villain. Still, despite the visual spectacle, Ayumu stole many glances over to her girlfriends to observe their riveted attention. But when the big bad was finally defeated and the storyline began to wrap up, Ayumu expected the other two to relax a little. Except they didn’t. Both Yuu and Setsuna continued to stare, almost unblinking at the screen.

Were they expecting something else to happ… Oh…

“Awww~…” Setsuna, unsurprisingly, was the one to vocalize her reaction as the protagonist confessed her feelings to the heroine who had fought by her side for so long.

The scene was a sweet and fitting culmination of everything that had happened between the them, but Ayumu couldn’t help feeling like things could have been handled better. Early development had felt awkward and forced and it had taken more than a couple episodes before Ayumu could agree the two had chemistry. It was quite different from the angelic doujin Setsuna loved so mu…

Eh?

Ayumu blinked as something soft pressed gently against her cheek. And as quickly and unexpectedly as it had come, it was gone. She turned her head just in time to catch Setsuna leaning over to peck a kiss on Yuu’s cheek as well. Then, with a blossoming blush, Setsuna settled back down and began fidgeting with the hem of her shorts.

Cute. By the gods was that cute. But… is Setsuna-chan really satisfied with just that much?

Ayumu was all too aware that Setsuna maintained a fear of pushing her desires onto others. It was why she refused to take any sort of official leadership role within their school idol club when it reformed, despite the other members respecting her knowledge concerning idols and regularly turning to her for advice. Ayumu assumed this was also why Setsuna seldom was the one to offer invites for her friends to join her in shopping for anime merchandise, even after the three of them had a fairly well-established tradition of going together. She would sooner go by herself than believe she was inconveniencing a friend with her own desires.

And while Setsuna had become fairly open with hugs and holding hands, this felt different. Very different. And Ayumu was more than a little intrigued. And she wished she could give voice to her thoughts and tell Setsuna that it was alright to desire such things from her girlfriends as they were more than willing to participate.

“Setsuna-chan.” Yuu broke the quite among them.

“Y-yes?” Setsuna sputtered in response. “Wh-what is it, Y…?” She was cutoff as Yuu leaned in and pressed her lips against hers.

Something twisted within Ayumu. Apparently, she wasn’t just intrigued…

“Hah…” Setsuna breathed as the two parted. Her head wobbled a bit as her expression became dazed.

Yuu chuckled. “If you want to take the lead, you should at least go that far.”

“R-right…” Setsuna pouted as her blush deepened.

More. Ayumu also wanted more than just a peck on the cheek, and more than that.

Of course, that would mean she would be the one taking the lead at this point. Ayumu understood Setsuna’s reluctance to push beyond where she had left off. And it didn’t help that Yuu had teased her about the times she had given in fully to her desires and done whatever had been necessary to satiate them.

But who could blame her for giving into the temptation provided by not just one, but two irresistible girlfriends? And now, tensions were obviously mounting among them, Setsuna was adorably flustered, and Yuu was sitting with a smirk that made Ayumu want to wipe it off her face with her lips. Of course, her desires would be boiling over at this point.

Oh, to heck with it. Let Yuu tease her later, she could be embarrassed then. If neither Yuu nor Setsuna were going to do anything else, Ayumu would.

Setsuna jumped with surprise as Ayumu placed her hand on her cheek and guided her into a kiss.

Yuu giggled. “Looks like Ayumu can go that far.”

Though the teasing was likely directed more at Setsuna, Ayumu felt the need to respond as she pulled away a little.

“But why only stop there, Yuu-chan?” The redhead murmured before trailing a few kisses across Setsuna’s cheek. She smiled as the raven-haired girl shivered when her teeth grazed her ear. “Why not go even farther?”

“That’s a good point.” The green-tipped girl conceded.

“Ayumu-san… Yuu-s-Ah!” Setsuna gasped as Yuu joined in.

As Ayumu made her way down Setsuna’s neck, she placed a hand on her shoulder and began to guide her down. Out of the corner of her eye, she noted that the credits were rolling for the anime stream and made a mental note to apologize to Setsuna for making her miss the last few minutes, as well as delaying the post-credit discussion.

As for that conversation, Setsuna could take the lead for it as that was one place where she excelled. And perhaps someday she might have the confidence to take the lead right in the trio’s current activities.

However, for the time being, Ayumu knew that if her desires were to be fully sated, she would have to be the one to forget her reservations and progress things. It wasn’t easy, but…

Setsuna whimpered.

Yuu moaned.

… or… perhaps maybe it was…

----------

Author’s Note Continued in Followup Post

[manjuhitorie]

Shinoda’s Instagram Q&A July 18th 2020 - Part 1

👋How are Retro Tone’s Saddles? 🗣The steel saddles are way worth a shot　 　👀 http://astronauts69.com/retrotone/ - https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1019548356383682561

👋What bandsmen have you been keeping in touch with? 🗣I got calls from Hiroki-san of Lego Big Morl And Adam Touch Takahashi of Bed In (honorifics omitted) I’m usually never the one to hit people up first... 

👋What are you doing awake this late? (approx 3AM JST) 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio 　👀 Audrey are a manzai comedy duo! https://wow-j.com/en/Allguides/other/tips_manners/02304_en/#2

👋 Have you eaten any pudding lately? 🗣I deeply apologize for waiting so long to make this clear. The pudding phase has long ended. We had a good run everyone.

　👀 https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1245973638550917121 Shinoda had found a pudding recipe on cookpad which requires only a microwave, a single egg, then milk, sugar, and a sprinkle of vanilla essence! This discovery sparked a trend among Hitorie fans, as many were giving it a shot themselves and joining in on the sweetness!

👋 What is your favorite? 🗣My favorite what?

👋 Are you sleepy? 🗣No problems here

👋 What’s your opinion feeling on cicadas? 🗣My opinion is that they’re dogshit

👋 I’m knee-deep in depression right now, what do I do.. 🗣Watch Audrey videos on youtube You’re bound to laugh and whisk the time away, it’s ideal

👋 How are you? 🗣Physically I’m healthy. Mentally I’m so-so.

👋 Did you get ygarshy any presents for his birthday? If you did, what did you get him? 🗣I can’t tell ya bastards.

👋What happened to your smoke machine? 🗣I still have it 　👀 https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1269167465499521025 
For SND’s birthday, ygarshy had gotten him a smoke machine. The kind commonly seen at concerts to add effects.
 To quote Shinoda’s reception, he said, “I’m sure y’all got a taste of the level of insanity our bassist is, judging from the MC chat reports of last year’s tour but… This should really set in stone just how insane he is.” 

👋Any new song recs? 🗣SUTENEKO by Siamese Cats 　👀 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVSBarQH6ZY

👋Are you still working out? 🗣If it’s okay to say that I’m still at it then.. Yeah I’m still at it.

　👀 He had been developing aches/feeling like he had muscle atrophy due to drawing so much manga. Thus, after even Hitorie’s manager urged him about the necessity to work out, he finally picked it up. Though he did tweet “I was working out while I slept last night, and now I can’t stand up… Fuckkkk thissssss!!” https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1264486160211951617  So… Fight on, SND!

👋I want to know what you’ve been eating lately! 🗣I’m cooking hamburgers and hotdogs at home

👋What have you been up to? 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio

👋What are you up to right now👀 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio

👋 Do you create distortion by using your amp, or by stomping around by your feet? 🗣By my feet

👋 What’s next after the pudding phase? 🗣I’m in a hamburger phase now

👋 Who manga artist you especially like 🗣I’ve always loved Douman Seiman sensei 　👀 https://myanimelist.net/people/12266/Sayman_Dowman

👋 What’s good about Jaguars? (*the car I think) 🗣They look all robotic

👋 What cigarettes have you been smoking? 🗣Marlboro gold

👋 You strike me as the type who talks to himself a lot, so I ask, do you talk to yourself a lot? 🗣Kinda, yeah

👋 What Hitorie songs are best to start out with? 🗣Like Senseless Wonder Or any relatively simple one

👋 What shampoo do you use? 🗣The Seven Eleven one

👋 I can’t make a song.. The day is going to end in vain again..

🗣The day you finally make it will answer everything Or at least we can hope...

👋 How’s your kitty? 🗣I don’t fucking have one

👋 I want to go to a concert 🗣I wanna go tooo

👋 Any RPG recs? 🗣Landstalker You can play it on a SEGA Genesis Mini, go ham on the ungodly maps

👋 I like you? 🗣What?

👋 Do any movies hold a special place in your heart? 🗣9 Souls probably  Chihara Junia is so awesome 　👀 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0370244/

👋Please take a selfie 👣 🗣I can’t right now fella

👋What onigiri filling do you like? 🗣Spicy cod roe and/or tuna

👋I just want to give up on studying for entrance exams. But I can’t. How do you achieve that which you don’t want to do? 🗣I feel like I’ve never ever even achieved that which I don’t want to do.. 👋 Any recent purchases?
 🗣 *https://www.jimdunlop.com/cry-baby-mini-wah/

👋 Who’s the greatest genius you know? 🗣Shimoyaka 　👀 Check them out here: https://twitter.com/simoyaka - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9qsoxiPKaY - Tanaka Bunko is the name of Shimoyaka’s doujin group.

👋 Do you ever have troubles or worries? 🗣I do

👋 Which do you recommend out of the great Ghibli 4 playing in theaters? 🗣Well, anything but Mononoke Hime..

👋 My ex girlfriend introduced me, so when I listen the memories come flooding back... 🗣What are you talking about?

👋 I’m torn on whether to cut my hair or not, should I? 🗣Enough already, just cut it.

👋 Do you have a favorite Tanaka Bunko song? 🗣High Score Girl (👀 https://ch.nicovideo.jp/simoyaka/video/so36488388) It sounds like Dinosaur Jr. ( 👀 The western band)

👋 Have you gotten good at any cooking recipes lately? 🗣Do hotdogs count as cooking?

👋 What to do when you can’t sleep 🗣Listen to the radio and stuff

👋 Why don’t you get a kitty?
 🗣Laziness and allergies as a joint force are preventing my kitty endeavors

👋 Will you sleep after this? 🗣I don’t know

👋 For my Coming of Age Ceremony, I’m not sure if I should cut my hair into a short bob or let it grow long so I can style it. Which suits your tastes more Shinoda-san?
 🗣The short bob 100%

👋 So you like girls with short hair.. Then, what hair color do you like? 🗣I don’t really care as long as it looks good

👋 I slept as this time yesterday, but I woke up at this time today. I want to be reborn as a Marlboro gold cigarette.

🗣It may be wise to not aspire to turn into consumables much

👋 What kind of gear is on your current pedal board? 🗣 *A picture consisting of a BOSS TU3W, Xotic EP Booster, WEED MDW-1 wah, Crowther Hotcake, Electro-Harmoni Nano Bass Big Muff, Arion SCH-Z Stereo Chorus, and BOSS DD-20.

👋 I just woke up, good morning 🗣Good morning

👋 Then I want to be reborn as a bed or sofa 🗣Chill

👋 Time to go to work! Cheer me on! 🗣Have a swell day

👋 I’m job-hunting right now, tell me something 🗣I hope it all works out…

👋 I’m a fan from Taiwan and a guitar newbie, do you have any tips and tricks for pressing chords? 🗣Make sure you’re pressing cleanly, I think

👋 Good morning~ Due to various circumstances I’m living in Tokyo for one month starting today, cheers to our battles to come 🗣Battles!?

👋 After drinking all night yesterday, I fell back to sleep 3 times before finally waking up just now. I woke up out of fear after remembering the news about the man who’s bladder exploded. 🗣That shit’s scary as hell? 　👀 https://nypost.com/2020/06/23/mans-bladder-explodes-after-holding-pee-for-18-hours-after-beer-binge/

👋 As a guitarist/vocalist what are you most careful of? 🗣Don’t wiggle around too much and wear yourself out

👋 Alco and Peace’s radio segments are just too damn good, ain’t they…? 🗣I’ve listened to the skit about Ichiru at an international tournie so many times that I’ve lost count, they’re seriously the best 　👀 They’re a manzai comedy duo too!

👋 What temperature do you keep your air-conditioning at? 🗣It depends but, when I do use it I’ll bring it all the way to 24 degrees celsius.

👋 What are you going to do now? 🗣No idea

👋 Have you ever been approached by fans at festivals or out in town? On that note, is it okay to approach you? (；.Д.) 🗣I have. It depends on the time and place.

👋 I love you. Time to go to work… 🗣Have a nice day

👋 Do you ever go to cat cafes and stuff? 🗣I’ve been.

👋 I’ve been job hunting with no resolution in sight, please give me words of encouragement! 🗣You can do it~

👋 Good morning,,, I bombed my mock exams and would love a picker-upper,,, 🗣Well, mock exams aren’t the end so

👋 What do you think of girls who cheat? 🗣I think they’re girls who cheat

👋 I keep doing Hitorie cover bands but I can’t seem to improve the skill* (I’m the drummer) 🗣I’m amazed that you’re even trying at all

👋 Good morning.. Please cheer me on,, 🗣You can do it~

👋 Can you tell me what entertainer you like! 🗣Kamomental 　👀 Another nother manzai duo!

👋 How to restore absolute exhaustion 👀Find something immersive, or laugh-inductive, or just go to sleep…

👋 What’s your favorite out of all the Hitorie merch released thus far? 🗣The album art pins

👋 What is the philosophy behind men who have affairs? 🗣They’re the type who can do it and stomach it, so they just do it, I think

👋 The album cover pins are so cool that I hesitate to use them, Shinoda-sensei what pins do you use? 🗣I always lose pins in a matter of minutes so I’m too scared to use them..

👋 I miss Shinoda-san’s girl and cat drawings 
🗣I haven’t been drawing much huh

👋 Do you listen to anything besides Audrey on the All Night Nippon radio station? 🗣Not much, only like Creepy Nuts (👀 They host a hip-hop/rap battle station!) or Sakuma (👀 He takes letters from listeners and digs into various hypothetical or real events)

👋 What’s the most recent movie you’ve watched? 🗣Lost Paradise in Tokyo 　👀 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1519647/

👋 It’s Sunday yet I have to wake up early and go to work, please put my heart at ease,,, 🗣I pray for your health…

[pywackett-barchetta]

ooo! grow/keep/shrink youmu and udonge

These are two characters I very definitely have opinions on, largely that they are some of the best members of the whole cast and that’s a very high bar to clear. Udonge’s pretty much the only one to have a complete, drawn-out character arc across multiple pieces of media in the series, starting in Imperishable Night and concluding in Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom. So characterization-wise, you’ve got a lot to work with here.

However, more to the point, Youmu is an adorable badass sword-wielding dork and Udonge is a weary moonbun doing her best, so that makes things easier.

I do worry when making characters big, will this disrupt what they usually do? Youmu can pretty much continue gardening, and already is absurdly fast and precise with her blade. As a matter of fact, I can pretty much see Yuyuko just going “oh, Youmu, you’ve grown.” and just... not further acknowledging that her gardener and servant no longer can fit even her shoe into their home. She would probably fawn adoringly over a tiny Youmu, though. That would likely be worth seeing. She’d still be nothing to mess with with a blade like that, and pre-Shinmyoumaru times, I would probably absolutely advocate for her becoming a feisty tiny combatant with a blade who loudly yells about her presence and challenges foes to combat, but now there’s the risk of kinda horning in on her turf there. What a duo that’d be, though.

(I will also note if we’re talking Peachems Youmu, that will easily, easily eclipse Shinmyoumaru in “tiny ball of sheer inhuman fury”, though.)

As for Udonge, I am extremely biased here by her being one of my favorites, having started the series at Inaba of the Moon and Inaba of the Earth, and having a giant Udonge as my Steam avatar for like three years. I ended up buying the doujin it came from just to display in my room.

I have a soft spot for those that are worn down by their daily lives and being pushed around by everyone and feel like I just wanna let ‘em be big and not worry about stuff. Would this disrupt what she normally does? Absolutely. She sells medicine in the Human Village in a (really dang cute) merchant disguise so that she won’t appear to be obviously a youkai, and I’m pretty sure being several dozen/hundred/etc. feet tall will pretty handily undermine that “yes I am absolutely an average human person” vibe.

Now, this is two being asked about in one go, so rather than ramble absolutely endlessly about both - as I will also gladly do - I will take it as one prompt for the flimsy, mostly-ignored premise of actually answering the question. Growing both is good. If we’re pairing ‘em up shipping-style, I would say grow Udonge and keep Youmu. Let Udonge be someone nobody can boss around, and let Youmu have a big fluffy friend she can lean up against! (I realize it is some degree of fanon to imply they hang out much at all but, I mean. It’s fun.)

The “Grow” answer holds true for every moonrabbit character in the series, but especially Udonge. The Eientei dynamic is already wacky enough that they’d likely adjust promptly, and the mental picture of Kaguya or Eirin just casually petting their 400-foot-tall employee/pet is just absolutely delightful.

As far as growing both, I would, as ever, nudge that it is definitely best in their protagonist roles. Youmu wielding a colossal mountain-sized sword and Udonge just half-heartedly dealing with whatever weird moon stuff is happening by plucking it out of the night sky both are excellent. They work hard! Let ‘em be big and have fun and not worry about stuff.

[twotwinks]

a thing i was tagged in a long time ago by @rochc93. i am, believe it or not, attempting to catch up on these things. i always intend to do them but it’s either not a good time when i think about them or i’m not thinking about them. sorry i’m a mess

Who were you named after?

First name, nobody bitch. That’s all me. Middle name, like twenty different characters who are important to me but all on accident because I didn’t realize we shared the name until after I’d picked it. Notable instances include Rita Rose Vrataski from Edge of Tomorrow and also Amy Rose (a recent discovery). Last name, Gary King and also because I like confusing people about my gender by deliberately using a “male” title while presenting female (though hopefully not for much longer) and also being nonbinary. (Also s/o to ladies who call themselves king instead of queen. Yes I’m thinking of Kagamine Rin in the WanOpo songs Death Should Not Have Taken Thee and Our Adventure Log Has Vanished.)

Last time you cried?

two weeks ago to the day, when my dad let our dog Koko get hit by a car, things have been Extra Bad around here since then

Do you like your handwriting?

No. When I was little everyone always used to tell me how pretty it was but then I started trying to be a Serious Writer and my penmanship degraded as a result of how fast I had to get the words out of my head. Now my mom whines all the time about how messy and illegible my writing is.

What is your favorite lunch meat?

TURKEY

Longest relationship?

Umm....about two years ago for about three months-ish? I think? Maybe two months? I don’t know, we were dating for Christmas and then I broke up with him right before Valentine’s Day because my mental health couldn’t take it. I realized I was aro shortly after. Who would’ve guessed, huh?

Do you still have your tonsils?

Yep!

Do you bungee jump?

no and i never will

What is your favorite kind of cereal?

Dude this changes like monthly. Sometimes Honey Bunches of Oats. Sometimes Frosted Flakes. Sometimes I get a ridiculously strong craving for Strawberry Awake or Lucky Charms or Honey Nut Cheerios. I just get to eat cereal so infrequently that I can’t really have a favorite, I just have to indulge whatever craving I currently have because I only get the chance to eat one box every three months or so.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Yes because when I was little my mom ingrained into me that not untying my shoes first would ruin the backs of them way faster than they should. In all fairness we were poor and couldn’t afford to buy me new shoes that often because my feet are so sensitive that an actual comfortable pair costs $100.

Do you think you’re strong willed?

oh fuck no i mean have you ever spoken to me??? i’m the biggest baby pushover to ever live

Favorite ice cream?

Either that Death by Chocolate stuff they serve at Purdue’s dining courts sometimes or mint chocolate chip. It has to be green though or it loses something sdkhsdhk

What is the first thing you notice about a person?

Usually like their shirt, I guess? I don’t know, this isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about. Maybe it’s also if they have one of those annoying faces or voices. Or if they have a queer vibe. Look I’m not good with people ok.

Football or baseball?

Football but only because marching band and/or soccer

Favorite doughnut?

Okay this is going to sound weirdly specific but. Chocolate cake donut with chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles. Also on a related note I once let a girl in high school copy my homework (that I myself had found the answers to on the internet, it was a really unfair English assignment). She was so happy that she said she’d buy me a donut for breakfast the next day (she made a donut run for herself once a week as a special treat). I gave her my oddly specific request, but since I knew it was kind of a rare donut to find I told her anything chocolate would work. The next day, lo and behold, she showed up with the perfect donut. She had them make it special for me (insert Discord’s pleading face emoji). That was the day I learned my lesson about judging “dumb blondes”.

What music are you listening to?

I’ve been back into Touhou doujin arrangements again lately, especially eurobeat. However I’m also hyperfixating on Sonic the Hedgehog again so the game soundtracks and the Crush 40 albums are starting to show up in my frequent rotation on Spotify.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

The obvious choice is mint green but I could also very easily be a lime green or a glittery ruby slippers red.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

I believe I talked to my grandma a little bit on my mom’s phone not that long ago? Other than that according to my phone it looks like I took a call from my dad back in April?

Hair color?

that real deep almost black brown. i nearly got into a fistfight with some boys in second grade who insisted my hair was black. it’s not black it’s just very thick. it actually looks much lighter if you just separate a smaller chunk and look at it.

Eye color?

Hazel. Brown with some green flecks. Or possibly green with some brown flecks. Also both of my irises look different up close but you can’t tell unless you’re really up in my face.

Favorite food to eat?

pasta but it can’t have red sauce

Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings all the way

Last film you watched in the cinema?

do you really expect me to remember this. i honestly do not fucking know. i have no brain when it comes to movie theaters. i was gonna do a double feature of birds of prey and the sonic movie the tuesday before spring break (cheap prices for students!!!) but i ended up having a headache that day so i couldn’t go and then shit hit the fan and there was no theatergoing. i have tried and failed to get my parents to rent the sonic movie since. i’m very unhappy about it now that i’m hyperfixating again.

What color shirt are you wearing?

well i think it used to be white but it’s really old so now it’s like off-white. also it has a big snake on the back. i don’t even like snakes i just enjoy this shirt.

Favorite holiday?

Christmas!!! I don’t necessarily actually enjoy celebrating the holiday (thanks fam) but I love the idea behind it and the aesthetics. Also it’s peppermint season!

Beer or wine?

Listen I am super picky about alcohol. I haven’t liked any of the wine I’ve tried, but the first two wines I had other people told me it was bad (and then they took me out and bought me alcohol I would actually like because I’d never drank before and apparently getting me tipsy in Ireland over spring break was an Honor for them I literally didn’t pay for a single drink that night) and the third wine I had was paired with the wrong type of food (we couldn’t get the Right wine bottle open). I didn’t really mind the beer I tried in Ireland though, so I guess beer? I really like cider best though, and apparently I can also handle vodka.

Night owl or morning person?

night owl i wish i could be nocturnal

Favorite day of the week?

Friday. It has all the joy and anticipation of the coming weekend without the curse of my dad being home or the responsibility of homework looming over everything.

Favorite animal?

HEDGEHOG yeah i never really got past that from when i was little. but i also just love pretty much all animals. except like. snakes and spiders but sometimes snakes have their moments.

Do you have a pet?

Yeah. We have a lot of “family” pets but I consider Patches (cat) and Gabby (dog) to be Mine Specifically. If my mom hadn’t forced me out of therapy I’d probably be bringing Patches with me to college next year as an emotional support animal.

Where would you like to travel?

Europe babey. I just wanna hang out in France and England and Scotland and also go back to Ireland. I miss Ireland so much y’all.

ok that’s it. that’s all for this one. i’m not tagging anyone because i’m sure it’s already made the rounds among everyone. but if it missed you and you still wanna do it go for it. consider yourself tagged. poof.

[otomeshi-hime-blog]

Just in case I haven’t made my stance clear enough, I wanted to lay a few things on the table. 

Tumblr is cancer, and the entire anti movement even more so. No one on this website knows how to do research and instead prefers just to make up their own definitions, spouting them as truth. Fujoshi does not mean what you think it means. Fujoshi are not inherently bad people. They’re in their right to ship whatever they can conceive. As it has recently been brought to my attention, let me also say that lolicon does not mean what you think it means. Loli consent is literally the worst case of Western bullshit I’ve ever seen. Its shorthand for lolita complex. Which by the way, Lolita is a name. There is nothing inherently sexual about the name. Its been twisted by trigger happy morons, but the lipstick or the fashion? Absolutely nothing to do with pedophilia in any way shape or form. 

As a fandom old, I like and support “bad ships” because I have the brain capacity to wrap my head around the fact that these are fictional characters, not real people. If Inuyasha aired today, everyone would be having a fit about not only the Kagome x Inuyasha ship (15 year old human female x 50+ year old half-dog demon) but also the hugely popular Sesshomaru x Rin pairing (god only knows how old dog demon x 10~ year old human female). That being said ...

My favorite Golden Kamuy pairing is Ogata x Asirpa (30+ year old man x 13 year old girl) and thats just the fucking facts. I like it. A lot. Its a good pairing. 

I have no qualms about people shipping age gaps, whether legal (Endeavor x Hawks) or with minors involved (see above).

I have no qualms with people shipping incest. I’ve read a LOVELY Endeavor x Shoto series that was very cathartic for me regarding my own trauma and I’ve read plenty of BLmatsu fics as well. And to be honest with you? Incest isn’t even bad in real life, so long as its not rape. If a 25 year old man consented to having sex with his 22 year old sister? Its a non issue. 

I harbor rape fantasies (being on the receiving end) as does a significant portion of the female populace. Stories about noncon or dubcon are not bad things. The people who read and write them are not bad. Its SUCH a prevalent fantasy that a published book written by a female author I’m currently reading wrote a staged rape scene. No trigger warnings. No notes that said “just so everyone knows, rape is not okay”. No deflecting comments to make sure that the reader knows shes not romanticizing it. The scene literally just IS. 

Multishipping is not an endorsement for cheating (something else that was recently brought to my attention, much to my disgust). If someone wants to write about a female character fucking the ENTIRE male cast behind their backs, thats their prerogative and its really not that deep. Cheating in real life is bad because real people get hurt in the process. Fictional characters cheating on fictional characters is angst fuel. Plain and simple. 

Any ship being labeled a “bad ship” is fanwank and nothing more. 

Trying to tell people how they can and cannot enjoy their fictional media is wrong, and every anti should truly be ashamed of themselves for making people feel bad over something that doesn’t even exist. 

I was raped by a father figure from the time I was 11 until I was 18 and I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that there is absolutely nothing in shipping or fandom that even comes close to the real thing. Equating the two is honestly offensive to anyone whose actually been in that position and I honestly, truly believe that every anti who says they were abused in some fashion or another is lying. Because anyone whose really been there knows that fictional works on the internet are of so little consequence it doesn’t even ping on the radar. Its harmless. Real life though?

And no partaking in these things does not magically turn you into a rapist or a pedophile or anything of the sort. The man who took advantage of me for YEARS didn’t wake up one day and decide to fuck his 11 year old stepdaughter because he read a fucking incest fic on FF.N. He was raped when he was a child and the cycle of abuse continued. 

Media effects reality but not the way you think it does. The power of suggestion only works enough to convince you that you need the newest Iphone or you’ll literally die. It does not somehow make you believe that real rape or real pedophilia is fine and dandy. It just does not work like that and anyone who thinks contrary needs to seek professional help ASAP. No amount of rape fic or lolicon doujins is going to make me go out and rape real children. Period. 

Oh, and for the record? Theres nothing wrong with ageing up characters either. I don’t see the point (refer to this entire post) but if it makes someone else happy then so be it. They’re not pedophiles for wanting to age up a fictional character they have a crush on so THEY’RE more comfortable, especially considering that said fictional character will always be 15 in canon. Like these fucking mental gymnastics are astounding. Literally pump the brakes for five seconds and think about this. 

If I had the power to magically warp into every anti’s house, or just anyone who believed any of the above “Bad Things” were true, I’d honestly kill every single one of them. Like, no joke. You’re a waste of space. You’re a waste of oxygen. No one loves and no one is ever going to love you with that attitude. 

Peace.

[drink-n-watch]

Hello boys and girls. I hope you are having a great day. Healthy, happy and well rested. For my part, I’m still struggling to get that last one under control after that wonderful horrible thing that happened at the convention. What thing you ask? Well I’m so very glad you did ask! It would have been a really short post otherwise. Sit back, relax: let me paint you a mind picture.

do I have your attention now?

A little while ago, I dragged Mel out of Anime land where she’s been… Well… You’ve read the fanfics… To attend Otakuthon with me. It worked. Yay! I’m generally ambivalent about conventions but I’m glad I went. It was fun. And exhausting. Funny how those two things so often go together. Like most conventions, Otakuthon has a large amount of artists from all over coming together to sell goods. The special part is that unlike in US cons, you can hear them talk in French which is entertaining… I’m not a very nice person. I must say though, most did a wonderful job no matter what they may think!

Mel and I decided to do a tour in the artists’ alley (that’s how it’s called but it’s more like an artists’ gymnasium), on Friday evening after work. No big thing, I had been up since 5 and I really just wanted to scout out the place before going back the next day. I was successful! In one of the back rows, a pleasant and clearly very talented young lady was displaying her prints for sale (side note: there were so so many prints guys, it made me consider putting in more walls….) which caught our eye and we went in for a closer look.

This sounds like a casual venture but you need to fight your way through hordes of fans, occasionally in pointy and dangerous looking cosplay, to get anywhere near the booths, let alone buy something. Moreover with my vertically challenged state I really need to have a front row view. As I try to avoid touching strangers, this closer look involved a series of acrobatics, getting on my tippytoes and trying to figure out how to stretch my neck like a rokurokubi while working hard on giving off an intimidating aura to make people part before me. I’d like to think it’s the aura that did the trick.

there’s no way this can go wrong

When we finally reached the booth, victorious, Mel bought some stuff and I admired the images on display. Off to one side there were a few BL and Yuri prints that caught my eye. The images were lighthearted and loving. I didn’t recognize any characters but the BL one’s were labelled 19 days while the ladies sported a neat little tag with the words “their story”. I made a mental note, hoping it wasn’t original art work and moved on.

Friday evenings are busy for me. No no, not with social outings and tons of friends, you silly! Friday evenings are when I finish up the Given collabs with Karandi and put the gallery post together to go out on Saturdays. It’s also when I watch DanMachi, Dr. Stone, Granbelm and Fire Force and review them all (or as many as I can before passing out). Coming home late means it was around 11 when I was done watching and had to start on writing. Keeping in mind that I had been up since 5 and had a full Saturday planned. I got through 2 reviews before giving up and calling it a night.

That’s when I got the bright idea to read a little something before bed. I remembered the prints and got to googling! 19 days is indeed a rather popular Chinese you series. It’s artistic and a lot of it has no dialogue. It’s in my to read pile. Their story is also a Chinese webtoon (alternate or original title: Tamen De Gushi) about two girls finding each other and it devoured me.

I had to force myself to close my computer early Saturday morning when I got to chapter 130. I finished up the remaining 63 chapters when I got up a few hours later. It’s an ongoing series and believe you me that I will be keeping up with it!

anytime, anywhere

I read a lot of webtoons, doujin and even more traditional manga but I rarely talk about them on my blog. I also rarely give up my sleep on the one weekend I actually have to stick to a schedule in order to read something I could finish anytime. So why is Their Story different?

That’s an impossible question to answer. The short and most accurate response is : I like it. I really like it. The longer one is that it has great pacing and a good sense of humour. The narrative respects the characters which are all well crafted and complex while remaining realistic and consistent. They are recognizable as people you may be friends with but just a bit more fun since you only hear about the adventures. The discovery of sexuality and social pressure is modernizes, told from a contemporary setting where a lot has changed and the stigmas aren’t the same but some things are still painfully old fashioned. Their Story is a coming of age from the point of view of modern young women and we don’t get enough of those. And it is also absolutely heartwarming. Not everything needs to be tragic and sometimes we can manage to cut ourselves on the softest things.

I didn’t do a good job. I’m still trying to get back those lost sleep hours. Ok, let me just give you this one random chapter as an example:

This chapter isn’t directly related to the story so there are no spoilers here, but the general theme has a connection with an earlier arc. It’s obviously feminist and if that annoys you…well you probably have given up on my blog a long time ago cause I am way more annoying than Their Story. I don’t see that many webtoons trying to make these points. Their story is fairly innocent and could easily be targeted at a younger audience. An audience that might not have completely acknowledged these realities. It made me so happy to think that somewhere a 13 year old saw this and thought, I never thought about it nut that’s sort of true…it kinda sucks. I also don’t think this story is particularly targeted to girls, as such the more personal perspective is even more interesting.

And a chapter like this works only because the author spend 180 chapters before it making us laugh and worry and fall in love with the characters. It’s not a message manga it’s a story that occasionally has something to say beyond it’s own fiction. Have I mentioned it’s adorable. Ok. Let me try again, here is one of the early chapters…..

I hope this has wetted (yes, this one time the error is on purpose) your appetite enough. It really is a great webtoon. Unless you are opposed to Yuri for some reason, I recommend you give it a try.

For my part, I scrapped myself together best I could, trying to make myself look somewhat presentable for the con and went right back to spend an entire day walking in heels on a few hours sleep. When I got back to that booth I told this entire tale of woe to the poor confused artist and openly blamed her for my sleep deprivation. Then I bought the Their Story print. here it is. I love it. Thank you..

I Ruin My Sleep Schedule Again, This Time With Yuri! Hello boys and girls. I hope you are having a great day. Healthy, happy and well rested.

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.