#maker's breath i fucking love this classy bitch

[jacklyn-flynn]

Hello thirsty lemonade-seekers! 

For Christmas this year I completed the drabble I made for @kemvee when she won my give away a few months ago. It’s now its own, full-length feature smut extravaganza and it’s finally available to the general public! (My bad...)

Link: Loser Takes All

Rating: Explicit

Words: 3827

Summary: Cullen and Amie begin a game of strip chess. The winner gets the standard prize of any stripping game; doing whatever you want to the loser.

Snippet below the cut!

As he considered his next move, she leaned forward and rested her folded arms against the table. The position worked just so, breasts shelved on her arms and pressed together. 

“Amie,” Cullen groaned, sliding a hand through his hair, “that’s cheating.” 

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Am I….distracting you?” she asked sweetly with perfectly imitated surprise. 

Cullen had to clear his throat again. It was suddenly sweltering and his pants were incredibly uncomfortable. “No, you’re making me determined.” He looked up at her with molten amber eyes as he moved another piece. “I'm going to fuck you over this table, my Queen.”

“Only if you win,” she pointed out, shifting a piece and capturing another of his. “Check, and kindly remove your pants.”

[senseandaccountability]

The Stolen Throne in 15 minutes

I wrote this parody back in 2010 and it would be a shame if Livejournal dies with this mocking post, so have a re-post here on tumblr. I actually love Stolen Throne, but it’s not going to win a Nobel prize, that’s for damn sure.   REBEL QUEEN: *is slain *

MARIC, a Level 1 Prince: OH NOES! I can barely hold a sword and now I'm all alone on the run from the usurper! HELP! HELP!

LOGHAIN, a Level 56 Warrior, several miles away: I have a really bad feeling about this shit.

MARIC: HELP! HELP! *cracks the skull of random attacker * HELP! HELP!

LOGHAIN: Oh for fuck's sake. Come along, then.

LOGHAIN’S DAD: Like all good leaders of men in the DAO canon, I am somewhat reluctant to lead. Yet I do. I’m also quite classy if I may say so myself.

MARIC: Agreed! I dub thee, ser Loghain's Dad to a knight in my service. Now, go off and die protecting me!

LOGHAIN: What the hell?

LOGHAIN’S DAD: Son, in a very foreshadowing moment I will now ask you to put your emotions and personal desires aside and do as you must. Sure, it will seem really fucking grim but so will the rest of your life. Now off you go and protect the Prince with your life.

LOGHAIN’S DAD and EVERYONE IN CAMP: *dies protecting the Rebel Prince* --

MARIC: *suffers prettily*

LOGHAIN: I hate you so very much.

MARIC: Naaah. 　

ENEMIES: *Attack!*

MARIC: Oh noes! *falls off horse/gets stabbed/is unconscious*

LOGHAIN: Okay, I can’t really hate you. It’s like hating a puppy.

MARIC: Told ya!

WITCH OF THE WILDS: Come boys, come...give me your semen. I mean, let me babble inexplicably off-screen about secret visions of mine...

MARIC: Oh, sure!

PLOT: *thickens *

LOGHAIN and READERS: Whatever. 　 　

-- ROWAN: *dramatic entrance*

MARIC: Oh look, it’s my future Queen.

LOGHAIN: Oh look, she can actually hold her own in a fight! WELCOME! Don't ever leave!

ROWAN: I'm the Warrior Maiden of this story. But don't worry, fangirls, I won't stand in the way of slash, plot or have much of a personality. I rejoice in seeing you alive, Maric. It would be pointless to rebel without a prince after all. And you’re cute when you fall off horses.

MARIC: Did you say something? I can’t seem to focus on non-elven women. 

LOGHAIN: Oh, Maker, warrior women are so sexy. I like my women like I like my coffee,with a spoon in them hot and strong.

ROWAN: Sorry, did you say something? I can’t seem to focus on commoners.

ROMANTIC DRAMA: *is obvious * -- 　　

ORLESIANS: *are Evil and Depraved even in their own POV-chapters*

LOGHAIN: See, this is what I keep saying! --

MARIC: *is endlessly fascinated with Loghain*

LOGHAIN: *teaches Maric how to use a sword*

MARIC: You make me a man!

LOGHAIN: You make me speak in semi-long sentences and open up my glum heart!

MARIC: I fanboy you so hard, there is nothing you cannot do! Here, have a pair of too tight leather trousers, for eh, plot purposes.

LOGHAIN: Who the fuck am I again? Fandom Draco?

MARIC: What? I don't sexualize you! Perish the thought!

ROWAN: I think I'm going to go for a walk. You two... hang out.

DAO FANDOM: Oh, look I wrote this multi-chaptered fic about how Alistair falls in love with my PC R'heaigh-Leihy-inneh Cousland, who is incredibly pretty! And then this long-ass sequel about their lives after the game, isn't that just so clever and romantic? It even has some NSFW bits!

SLASHERS IN EVERY OTHER FANDOM, EVER: OH COME ON! 　

-- ROWAN & LOGHAIN: *builds a small mountain of unresolved and badly written sexual tension*

KATRIEL: Hello. I am the Plot Device of this little story.

MARIC: OH MY GOD, AN ELF! *fans self *

KATRIEL: Indeed.

MARIC: Look, guys, there was an elf in my tent! She’s very pretty!

ROWAN: Yes, yes. Sooo, Loghain, maybe we should... duel. Just a little? Get the blood pumping, the adrenaline rushing… Nothing sexual about it, just to determine who’s the best…fighter?

LOGHAIN: I thought you’d never ask.

ROWAN & LOGHAIN: *fights*

LOGHAIN: *wins* I’m so sorry I hurt you! *angsts* And so incredibly turned on by the fact that you almost beat me.

ROWAN: I know, right. Now, let’s forget about the part where we are clearly perfect for each other because I am Maric’s.

LOGHAIN: Yes, duty first.

MARIC: *shags the elf* 　　

-- MARIC: *shags the elf*

ROWAN: *angsts*

LOGHAIN: *angsts*

ROWAN: I am so stupid and ugly and not an elf.

LOGHAIN: *mutters* I think you are beautiful.

ROWAN: No! Our UST must remain heavy on the U-part! For plot purposes!

LOGHAIN: He’s too stupid to breathe and yet I am the lesser man. Oh, this will define my character in many interesting ways, I’m sure! *storms off *

MARIC: Hey, where are you going?

LOGHAIN: I’m done now. You made it through the woods and it’s been eh,years

MARIC: But how can I make it one day without you? I've been taking self-preservation lessons from Bella Swan! I need a big, strong, dominant man to heal me sexually save me!

ROWAN: For true. I can't bloody take care of his emotional neediness all alone, please stay!

LOGHAIN: *angsts*

ROWAN: *angsts*

MARIC: *emo puppy*

LOGHAIN: Fine, I'll stay.

MARIC: I love you. Here, have a fancy title.

LOGHAIN: *kneels awkwardly* I love you, too. I swear to serve you well.

MARIC, ROWAN, LILITH & DAVID GAIDER: OH ♥LOGHAIN♥! -- 　 　

BATTLES: *a plenty *

MARIC: *is dumb*

ORLESIANS: *are evil and well-informed*

ROWAN: Loghain, we must – surprise, surprise – save Maric from a certain death! Someone who I'm sure my future king doesn't sleep with has told the enemies of our plans and we are overwhelmed and Maric will die!

LOGHAIN: I am a bit busy here, being the Commander and all. If we leave them they will die.

ROWAN: Surely you have realised by now that you are the one who will make all the harsh decisions that others can't bear and end up in a turmoil of politics you don’t master and internal fighting you care nothing for? I sure as hell don't want to make this decision, it's awful and I'm one of the Pure and Good Characters. Now, please tell me you will sacrifice my dad!

LOGHAIN: Oh, this will define my character in many interesting ways, I’m sure. 

MARIC: *emo puppy* I don't deserve to be saved. If this was a fanfic I'd be crying myself to sleep, listening to music that isn't invented yet.

LOGHAIN: There, there. One of my hidden talents is that I comfort very well.

LILITH: Awww.

MARIC: I second that awww.

ROWAN: Oh, me too! Me too! Now do me! I mean, in a non-sexy friendly kind of way.

LOGHAIN: Of course. Duty first.

MARIC: *shags the elf * 　　 　 --

DEEP ROADS: *are cool*

KATRIEL: *knows a lot*

MARIC: *is not suspicious at all *

ROWAN & LOGHAIN: *headdesk*　

MARIC: Oh, and I love the not-at-all-suspicious elf, by the way.

ROWAN: Bastard.

LOGHAIN: What the hell? I've angsted over your future queen for well over hundred pages of Gaider-prose and you don't even love her. I will kill you in your sleep.

MARIC: *puppy eyes *

LOGHAIN: Fuck you. 　 --

ROWAN: *angsts*

LOGHAIN: Did I eh…mention that I comfort very well? Cause I do.

ROWAN: Comfort me! With hot, brooding sex! With gingerly sexings accompanied by our mutual tears, because we do cry an awful lot, all three of us.

LOGHAIN: I'm not the object of our mutual desire Maric.

ROWAN: Can you pretend? And glad I am to hear it!

LOGHAIN: Only if you do, too. Really?

ROWAN: Damn straight. Eh. Pun intended. Really, really.

DEEP ROADS: We bring the sexytimes like nothing else in the DAO canon! 　 -- 　

MARIC: Oh noes! Betrayal! It hurts! I love her so! She is so completely without a personality save being pretty and shady and into me! My dream girl!

LOGHAIN: Much like the PC can choose to do in the game version of our future, I am now picking the option to harden you. Everyone’s out for themselves. There you go. Harden up, bitch.

MARIC: But I’m such a gentle flower! Girls dig that.

LOGHAIN: Yes, indeed. I dig that, too, and this breaks my fucking heart. But life’s a bitch and then your mother gets raped and killed by Orlesians while you are forced to watch and you must give up the woman you love for duty and Ferelden and FOR FUCK’S SAKE, MAN, JUST GROW A SPINE SO WE CAN GET THIS SHIT DONE!

MARIC: *grows an insta-spine*

KATRIEL: Oh, crap.

MARIC: This moment defines me. *stabs her to death*

LOGHAIN: This moment defines me. *turns off emotions *

KATRIEL: I think I was informed of this plot because I wrote a really obvious good-bye letter, but whatever. I still die prettily and redeem myself in doing so while also making Loghain look extra cruel. A little something for everyone! 　

ROWAN: We are, as always, the harsh pragmatists of this story. Or well, you are a harsh pragmatist while I may or may not act out of jealousy which really doesn't put me in a better light. Regardless, my heartless yet loving soulmate, why must it hurt so?

LOGHAIN: Because life’s a bitch and then-

ROWAN: Shut up!

LOGHAIN: *dark, brooding emo puppy*

ROWAN: You are the only one who can be allowed to see me weak. Which is quite touching.

LOGHAIN: It is. I see you as my equal, which also is hot and something that ought to be more present in fanfiction. Alas, for now I shall break up with you!

ROWAN: Look, the hardening quest is fun for like, five minutes, but for the rest of my life? COME ON! Why do I get to be Maric's consolation prize?

LOGHAIN: Well, life’s a bitch and-

ROWAN: DAMN YOU.

LOGHAIN: I AM DAMNING MYSELF AS WE SPEAK! JUST BLOODY PLAY ORIGINS AND YOU WILL SEE!

DRAMATIC BREAK-UP: *is dramatic*

ROWAN: *cries*

LOGHAIN: *cries*

MARIC, in a different room: *cries*

ORLESIANS: And these people will overthrow our brutal occupation? I think not. --

MARIC: I NEED A HUG!

ROWAN: I will hug you. I will also assume the role of your loving, forgiving and much-stronger queen. Such is my duty.

MARIC: Sexy.

ROWAN: Not particularly. Sexy just broke up with me.

MARIC: I killed sexy. I NEED A HUG!

ROWAN: This will get old very quickly. --

MARIC: I am hardened. It sucks. I suddenly have a spine, and I do things to further our goal.

LOGAIN: I am as surprised as the readers. And a bit guiltily conflicted about it but that's just going to be my personality from now on. So roll with it.

ROWAN: I am stuck with the elf-fetishist for the rest of my life, but hey, why mind me? I never had much of a personality to begin with and won't get a fanbase anyway.

PLOT: *is wearing a bit thin* Come on, get this book over with! --

LOGHAIN: I am very sexy as I lead my rebels in battle.

ROWAN: He is. The bastard.

MARIC: He surely is. And – wait for it - I seem to have found a few survival skills!

LOGHAIN & ROWAN: Praise the Maker! --

WAR:* is won in the epilogue*

ROWAN: *is dead in the epilogue *

LOGHAIN: *is miserable in the epilogue *

MARIC: *is a miserable king in the epilogue*

READERS: Wow, what a fun ride that was.