#mag 41 drives me a little crazy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

alternateanonymous · 7 months ago

Text

3:41 am

Hey, so. we did it. We told Justin we just wanted to be friends. Shit was very scary ngl. I have a lot of things wrong with me lol. And it's ok. I feel better. I was in a funk and i don't know why but then i hung out with justin and talked with him about the friend thing and just vibed, it was nice. I think i realized what my problem is. The problem isn't how i deal with myself. The problem is how i deal with other people. Of course it starts from me but all of the actions correlated are because of the way i interact with people. So i suppose i should start with creating boundaries,. So i think it is boundaries and social interactions and leanring to gain confidence and trust myself more. Ya that's it. I don't overthink even though it might seem i do. I simply don't really think that much to be honest with you i don't know why. I do infact dissociate which doesn't help my case but ya. that's what i need to work on. confidence and learning how to interact with other people!!! woohh hoooo. you got it mags. Anyway.

I fucking hit someone's car. shit was ass. but lets rewind and start about the beginning of the day.

I woke up, went to work. Did lessons, did gaurding even though i didn't even guard. THEENNNNN, I went to see connor at the lake house. That was crazy. It was fun but crazy. I am a little concerned because first issue - I haven't had my period in literal months and everytime i have sex i bleed. that is defiently not good. But ya i had connor over. Then I drove to justin and during that drive I was going through the motions of being sad and it was raining and a longer drive than i expected and i was late, then i fucking hit the back of someone's fucking car and i am so scared and just like, "well fuck this shit, I could run, i could run," but i didn't of course. I stayed because what if he got a picture of my license plate I would be fucked and i am not that good of a liar. Then I was outside and just stood their as like 3 latino men about my age and 1 latina stepped out of the car. I just stood there and they barely talked to me, I looked at the damage. I didn't have a clue of what was going on. I kinda just played off of their silent energy. They also waited to get out of their car for a straight liker 5 miunutes even though it was much shorter it felt really long. But anyway the guy had no clue what he was doing and his friend told him to do everything. The damage on my car wasn't really that bad, not too noticable, but rhe his fucking car which was like a elantra was pretty ubad. The left lower bumper thing was like all fucked up and cut and the lower left part wasn't that bad slightly scratched and a little bent. But fuck, he got my license plate, my insurance card, a picture of my id, pictures of his car. AJHHHHH. shit was fucked. So i drove to justin's, mad cuz i am late foir a fuckin booty call and mad because i just crashed. So i finally fucking get there, and i am still in this funk and i'm like all frazzled as we are getting ready for the ride back., I am texting my parents as my anxiety level rise as i am about to go home on a new bike. also that question that is in my mind about justin is also going off as i see him. But then my mom is like "you're getting a new bike" and I'm like trying to keepyu the peace even though i am literally about to lose my shit. Oh, also other bad thing that happened today was that i can't get my bike insured or registered under my name yet because my insuanrce lady elaine d alonzo needed the titlle and number of miles. Also she is really mean to talk to, she has like a very stern mean voice. Well, any way i couldn't insure it yet so i have to go tomorrow which i am not looking forwarrd to. Oh also, i forgot that i have to host

a party this sunday. Completely forgot, but then i told freddy that I wouldn't be able to film sunday because i forgot that i was hosting a party and he is like ya. Also, i had to ask my mom to host a party which is a little scary. Even more scary after everything that has just happened in the last fucking 12 hours. Anyway, i end up keeping the peace witht he parents and even asking justin to switch to the bike once we get close to my house incase my parents looked outside and saw me. Then, we went home and that was one of the craziezt rides of my life. and one of the most dangerous rides ever. Well, we started off. Got gas, then justin lead. It was progressivly getting darker and the rain just kept going and not stopping. My visor was getting so foggy i could barely see anything. So then i put my visor up and now my glasses were getting soaked. But then i was getting pellted with raindrops and also i was hoping the black visor would be fixed so i put it down.

i put the other one down, but it didn't fix it./ I put it up and put the hlaf visor down and that was ok, but sometime when i lifted my head or did a pull it would come down. and that was super scary ngl. so i ended up doing liek a weird half and haldf thing but still got fucking pelted by raindrops. So we rode home after i did that whole thing. didn't crash went really slow. thought i lost justin for the first pull and slightly panicked. and got home, switched and drove back and then got in my car and left. we went to get food, uno's was closed so chilies. then we chilled i told him all about the book i read

it was nice and then we left and i told him i was in a weird funk which i was. Obvioiusly because of the thing that just happened the crash and the parent's being mad about the bike, but because i've just been in a bad mood lately anyway. Like i lacked my normal creativty because i have been able to write nothing for my new song. Also, when teaching i didn't teach with my normal energy. same thing with in the guard shack i just don't have my normal energy. so then we talked and realized how late it was. we talked in my car infront of justin's house for like 3 or 4 hours i swear. Talked all about my state, asked eachother questions, and asked eachother about eachother. i was so emotinoal i almost cried. I feel bad doing this pity thing, it's bad and weird. but, anywway. he talked my through it as we started talking about other things. It was good and i got out of my funk. I defiently think i am more attatched to him than he thinks of me. It makes sense, he has more to give to other people. i don't have like 1 if that. but then we got out of the car and i swear this was onlyu like a 15 minute conversation but it compeltly vetoed the last 2 hours in my brain. I finally told justin i wanted to be friends. And it was the hardest thing to do in my life. I was swaying and being nervous and anxious the whole time and made sure justin was ok like 30 million times oml. Then i was doing a little trauma response like trying to tell him that i had to mentally prepare myself

then he said it will be ok and if that he ever feels like he needs space, i will be able to tell or i can feel it. SOOOOOO, well see. AHHHH, it's ok. I am a little anxious for that but we shall see. Then we hugged and i left. My dad furious at my i swear to god i am going to be crucified upsidedown. i drove hom lisening to the songs he qued and sat there in silence then later only singing in. I was thinking about lossing him, about the issues about myself i need to fix like my toxicity, my stubborness, my unresolved trauma, my indecisivness, my inability to create buondaries, my insecrutitied, the wayt about how i slightly miss talking to my sister, about how i am a dissapointment, about how i had a dream about my ex and have been having them. Are they a signal from a universe trying to transtlate a message to me or just my inner deeper thoughts and desires. Who knows, but my desire was not t get back with him. That was not my desire, my desire was to simply have the luxury to be able to talk rationally with him about what went wrong. It would be nice closure. But anywa ya also just of letting that door close and how hard that and the word friends was for me. I know why. Friends is a scary word for me. they always leave, or they betray you, or you are hurt by them, or you've never seemed to have clicked close enough with them. Like there are so many reasons as the why the word friends has scared you. Like it is just tainited, even the community understadning of the world is dissicult to swallow because i am pressed to have a lot of friends. I am not scar3ed of being a friend, but i am scared to have them and hasve them betray me. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. But yua i like the grou pand justin has added me to things for the upcoming future and he is literally staying over my houser so we shall just see what happens to the dynamic. I'm and slightlyu leaning torwards it being ok just because he has things planned with me but i am still in the middle i am like 55% and 45% because of those commitments. So ya we shall seeeeeeee, or if else yet another friendgroup i lost womp womp. maybe i am just meant to be like this i thjought too, maybe i am just not meant to have friends. Like look at my past. and look at my presence, i always lost friends and still don't have anyt!!! Big red flagfgggggggggggggggg. What's wrong with her, what made her chase everyone away because she does have a bubbly smile and happy personality. why is the caveat.

so ya, all those things but when i told him that i only wanted to be friends. Not evben kidding a slight weight was lifted off my sdhoulder. I swear i did wanna bring it up but it never felt like the right time and i did wanna bring it up sooon . But he beat me to it, but hoenstly i thank him for helping me. I don't know if he realizes how muych i care for him. i fuckuing hoipe he deson't break it lol. but yea, it was hice. I am really scared and am just going to have to wait to see what happens with the dynamic but until them i just need to breath. Also, yea sang home and felt better and now i am writting this ebcause it is

euphoric magical, meditation. I am so cooked for tomorrow butit is ok. I neede this. I did. It's ok. Be strong maggie. live in the moment, dissociation has also been on your mind. ASSSHHHHHHHH, oh and if freddy could/would/ is liking you. and for not hanging out with your parents. Lot's of stressors. Ok, feeel. feel these things after you have typed them out. You are sad, anxious, stressed, wanting to feel warm, wanmting to feel alive. wanting to start a gtoal but being lazy. You need to get your shit together.

goodnight maggie. Good luck. Feeeeellllll the flow, feel you.

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