#maethoughts2022

[maesperanca]

incoming: 2023

I want to promise myself to choose me, everytime - this 2023. I want to prioritize my mental health, my career and everything that I believe I deserve. I used to be a dreamer, I used to be burning with passion about the things I do then suddenly I crashed. 

I want to promise me that I will prioritize me in 2023. Ako lang. Happiness ko. Career ko. Puso ko. Isip ko.  

It’s not too late to start again, right? 

[maesperanca]

from this day onward..

I’ve been jobless for almost 3 months now and I’ve been contemplating and thinking about the life I want to pursue. 

I came to my senses that events and personal training is my thing.. and a business opportunity presented itself as well. I’ve always wanted to be in the business industry and as much as the first step is always hard, we’re slowly making it work. Then suddenly every opportunity showed itself. I recently had an interview in a marketing company which I really want because it opens doors to the events and everything else and the timing is very flexible. But at the same time I was messaged by my old personal trainer to apply for a fitness instructor job to make way for my plan in making it to the personal training industry.

I’m very torn on what my next step should be but I’m excited because I know this is the start of where I’m headed. Surrendering the next months to Him. Plot Twist 2022, here we go.

[maesperanca]

I’m always caught up with the thought of where I want to be or what I want to do.

Not in a specific aspect in life, just life in general. What am I really made for? Why am I confused?

What to pursue, who to pursue, when is the right time? Is there a right time? Do we really need a plan A-Z? Or do we just go with the flow? Would that be easier? Would that be the convenient thing to do?

So much question and no definite and accurate answers. Should we even be looking for answers or we just let experience do the talking? Quarter life, existential, whatever the fuck this crisis is, how do we tackle it.

We convince ourselves that one day, all the questions, all the what ifs will turn into something great - but the waiting and the trusting is the hardest part. The blind faith, the hope that everything will be fine, and all the in between of waiting - that’s what keeps us worried. But we eventually still wait and hope and pray that everything’s gonna be in it’s time.

[maesperanca]

so where do we go from here?

I’m lost. With love, with life and everything in between. I might’ve stumped my career because of not focusing on my priorities, I’m self destructing myself with a love that’s never gonna push thru and here I am writing down everything because it feels like everything is hopeless. 

Being a flight attendant right now feels so impossible but being a flight attendant is also what I desire to be. Keeping it real that it’s a very hard and demanding job but it also ticks all the boxes of being able to travel, limiting myself from going out and drinking as much as I can and seeing Adi on a daily basis. Is it my escape route? It kinda is but it’s also something I won’t regret to be. Is it because it’s the first option I have? Maybe. But it’s also everything I want. The life - being able to visit the Philippines and see my family is one thing. Maybe that’s why I was never given the chance to have a vacation because eventually I will. Being able to travel the world. I want to be doing something I love, something I’d be happy doing. I know it’s tiring but I’ll never know if I don’t try and I want to. 

Being a stubborn person, I need to be dragged or tired in order to give up whatever it is that I can’t let go. I want this. I want my wings. I want to work hard for it if it’s really for me. Maybe years from now, I might think that I’m throwing away my engineering field but my heart knows I’m not for that, my heart knows I won’t be good and smart as any other engineer out there. It may sound as me not being confident on what I am but it’s actually me knowing what I’m capable of now. I don’t want to be the mediocre Engineer trying to fit herself in the industry we both know is not for her just because it pays good. I want to be paid good and love what I do. Go home, be tired and still love what I do. 

I don’t know what the future brings, I don’t know where I’m headed. It’s scary and it’s unsure - but one thing is I want to be sure and I want my intentions to be pure on what I want, where I want to be and where I see myself 5 years from now. 

It’s scary but I’m willing to jump

[maesperanca]

Prioritize. 

Prioritize your work, your family, your friends and your guy (whoever it may be) and stick to it. Keep your mindset straight. 

[maesperanca]

and maybe it’s long overdue.. maybe it feels right.. maybe it’s hard to decide because I’m scared of losing but at the same time I’m scared to be with you as well. I don’t know if it’s worth continuing, I’m not sure if it’s what I want. But hey, we don’t always get what we want. And with this aspect, I never really have a say, right? and maybe we keep on pushing what we both know is something that’s not gonna work or maybe we feel like we’re working now because we never really handled this properly. We’re both scared. We’re both not ready. Will we ever be? 3 days from now and it’s gonna be a year.. Maybe my friends were right, maybe we need to talk it out. Maybe I need to know where I stand in your life, not maybe - I need to know. I need to know if I’m not wasting my time. Someday, it has to happen. I can’t force anything that’s not gonna go anywhere. I want a family, I want to have kids, I want to go home to my person knowing I’m his only person. I know it’s gonna kill me if this ends but I think I’ve proven to myself that I’m capable of loving and caring and I’ll always love and care. Being emotionally unavailable can teach you a lot of things - more about yourself. Specially learning that in every bit of fubu that I’ve tried, I cared, I loved and I still wanted to try. The only thing stopping me is the fear - the fear of getting hurt that always comes along with the loving and the caring and the in betweens. 

But that’s me, that’s how my heart works - take it or leave it. 

[maesperanca]

save the date

This is the first time in the history of You and I that I am acknowledge that I’ve fallen with you, deep. You keep me warm, safe and secure. But you also make me feel anxious cause we both don’t have the assurance of what this is. We haven’t talked about it that much but even if it doesn’t work out, I loved how our chemistry and compatibility worked. You make me happy right now. I don’t know till when, I don’t know where this will go but I’m glad this happened. 

You make me feel alive. You make me laugh and you spoil me. The way you take care of me and hug me.

Thank you, bby. 

[maesperanca]

to my bby:

It’s been 10 months, I don’t know how we still both could handle this. I don’t know how we’re both doing now. We haven’t talked about it since whenever the last time was. It’s been a crazy couple of months but you’re still my secure person. With you I don’t have to hide anything. All that I’ve shown you, is me. Sometimes I want to talk to you about it but sometimes I’d rather not have that conversation. We went from our name to baby and it’s cute but it’s also another add up to our fuck up. I miss you on days we’re not together. Your bed feels like home more than mine does. Mocha feels like mine as well. And your hugs, no one can replace it. Someone can cuddle with me but it’s always gonna be yours that I want and I would want to go home to. I don’t even want to attempt and think about talking about this situationship because everytime I do, it never pushed thru. I give myself a deadline I couldn’t even follow. So I’m just going with the flow. Wherever this goes, I’ll go with it. I might someday pray for this, for us, for you and for me but until that day comes, I’ll never know where we’re headed. You easily make me smile and laugh and with you it’s always a great time. 

Like we talked about, this is definitely something I would cherish and remember forever.

[maesperanca]

Do I jump and fall? or Do I just jump and get this over with? 

Both ways will be a win. It’s either I find the love of my life or I learn from what we had and eventually still find the love of my life. 

[maesperanca]

AND MAYBE IT WAS MY HEAD, MY THOUGHTS, MY OVERTHINKING SOUL. MAYBE I FELT IT A LITTLE AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH. 

[maesperanca]

and maybe a part of me hopes you’ll change your mind or you’re the one? but a little part of me tells me, I know that it’s not. But how will I ever know if I don’t pray for it? Sometimes I have the urge to do it but I’m still in the state in which I don’t even want to know what the outcome will be. But can I really handle you? Will I be able to trust you if it was really you? 

[maesperanca]

I live for days when we just talk about life and random things. The way we just look into each other all cuddled up, giving random kisses here and there and the way we laugh and how you think I find you crazy. You may be crazy but I’m always amazed on how you’re mind just wanders everywhere and anywhere. How you notice the simple things and probably how you notice the small things that happens to us which we never really talk about. I’ll keep these memories hidden in the pouch of my heart named “Gabriel” and remember from time to time in the future how it made me feel. How you, my Gabriel, made my flutter whenever we have these moments. 

We both don’t know where this will go or what’s gonna happen months from now but when you mentioned last night how you wanted to travel with me and make memories with me, it scared me but also made me feel how special I really am to you. You always give me this constant assurance on where I’m placed in your life. Even thou there are days that we fuck it up by being who we really are, you make me feel special. And you’re special to me as well. You make me feel, feels. I appreciate you, Gabriel. I really do. 

[maesperanca]

This situationship is making me crazy. I know it’ll end someday but the investment of time and effort is just beyond what we both signed up for. I dont know how long more can I last in this. 

[maesperanca]

[maesperanca]

that bartender, this bartender or the dj?

The past month has been very crazy. I tried convincing myself that I’m ready for a real relationship or might as well just try to get into a serious relationship.

I don’t know if I’ll consider this as “seeing” or “getting to know” these guys. But I’ve been going out with 3 guys at the same time. And as much as I would like to say that it’s just "going out”, it’s not. It’s kinda crazy but it also makes me feel free and that I have the power over this kind of situations. 

I don’t have to think about where it goes or pressure myself with whoever because I’m still getting to know them.

I spent the actual Valentine’s day with the Dj. The date was cute, the conversation was okay but the “that” was amazing. It was the best so far of my life. The next day, I had to make up another Valentine’s day with the that bartender. He went to mine and got me a cute stuff toy and we just watched netflix and caught up with how our week went. He was a real gentleman. And of course, I wouldn’t not miss spending Valentine’s with this bartender, it was nothing much but the time with him will always feel secure and comfort.

I had a very honest and vulnerable conversation with “this bartender” last Sunday and Monday. We laid it out all in the table. Everything we felt, everything we’re feeling and where we’re hoping this would go. It’s not the convenient type of situationship but we both like where we are. It’s technically like an open relationship but no commitment. It’s gonna be a great run for the both of us but still it’s gonna be a risk having it for this long cause eventually someone’s gonna feel the shit’s getting real. As long as we’re gonna stay open and talk about everything we feel and want then I think it’s gonna be good for the both of us. He somehow knows I’m seeing this bartender in el chapo. He seems cool about it but I don’t really know what’s going on in his head. It’s not that I don’t care but I saw him with a woman during his birthday and he saw me made eyes with that bartender so we both know we’re capable of flirting with others. I just don’t know how we’ll handle it the second time around when we’re both in the same party. 

We’ll cross the bridge when we get there. For now, I’ll just enjoy what is NOW. 

[maesperanca]

Use this time to adjust to not seeing him always cause it’s gonna feel that way when you decide to pull the plug. Think of it as him doing you a favor. 

You will be okay. You’ll live. You’ve been thru worse.