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moonlit-imagines · 4 years ago

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Headcanons for being Jane Foster’s child

Jane Foster x child!reader

Thor Odinson x Foster!child!reader

warnings:

a/n: no not a foster child, jane foster’s child 😌 also im so super glad you liked those!!! hope these are just as good!!! and im genuinely so sorry these took so long

prompt: anonymous: “Hey! I just read the Tony Stark x Potts!child!reader HC and I loved it! Would you do the same but with Thor and Jane? ❤️”

no babysitter = go to work with mom

dr. selvig gave you a rubik’s cube to keep you entertained

“fuck that! here, y/n, you can play my DS” -darcy

“can you not swear in front of my child?” -jane

you thought tonight would be boring, but then your mom and darcy collectively hit a homeless guy with a car!

“holy crap, we’re all going to jail!” -you

“don’t say ‘crap,’ y/n! we need to get him to a hospital!” -jane

ngl this dude was kinda funky

darcy used her taser and your mom covered your eyes, but you still peaked ;)

ride to the hospital

“don’t touch him, y/n”

“sorry, doc”

and the very next day you guys stole him 💕

“mr. thor, where are you from?”

“i am from asgard! it is much different from this realm, but your’s is adequate, i suppose”

“thanks?”

you could see the way your mom looked at him, though

he ate all the pop tarts >:(

she gave thor her ex boyfriends clothes

“yeah, donald was a real ass—” -you

“don’t say ‘ass.’ darcy curses too much” -jane

“sorry, mom...anyways, donald forgot to pick me up from soccer practice like, a dozen times. he sucked” -you

“this ‘donald’ doesn’t seem like a very good man...also, what is ‘soccer?’” -thor

you grabbed a soccer ball and tried to show him how to play but there was some other stuff the *scientists* had to take care of

you were a regular at izzy’s diner (well, mom was) and they always made you cute pancakes in different shapes!!

“ah, it’s a smiley face! that’s adorable!” -thor

“yeah! they like to surprise me whenever i come in. they’re pretty awesome” -you

*your mom literally beaming at how good thor is with you already*

you and thor were drawing on paper placemats

and then he broke a glass and you started giggling hdhshshs

but he had to leave

“no, thor, please don’t go!”

“i hope to meet you again one day, little one. hopefully fate sees it through”

:((((

no time to be sad bc ur mom’s lab got hijacked by the government

“hey, no fair! that’s my diary!” -you

“sorry, kid. there are constellation drawings we have to observe” -coulson

“aw, you draw constellations? wait, not now. you can’t just take all our stuff. especially that! that belongs to a child!” -jane

“sic ‘em, y/n!” -darcy

“don’t listen to darcy, y/n” -selvig

chilling in the trailer and missing thor bc he was the most interesting thing to happen to you and your mom in a while

and you wanted her to be happy even tho he was kind of crazy

“hey, mom? do you want to watch the stars tonight like we used to do? we could make s’mores?”

“that sounds like a great idea, baby! i’ve gotta go take care of some science stuff, so i’ll pick up some s’mores stuff while i’m out. love you!”

yeah she went to go see thor and he kinda got arrested but your mom came back home so you could watch the stars!

“so, do you like thor?” -you

“what? what makes you say that?” -jane

“it’s cool if you do, i think he’s awesome. a little weird, but at least he’s nice”

then thor and selvig came home and selvig was drunk as a skunk

*poking him while he giggles and tells you about thor*

“i wish your grandfather could have met that guy! he would have loved him...i wish you met your grandfather, too” -selvig

thor inviting you back outside

“i’d like you to teach me more about this ‘soccer’”

by the time you guys were done, it was 3am and you were too pumped to go to sleep

so thor told you stories of his home and battle and family

you didn’t want him to stop, you were fascinated by it all

and uhhhh yeah then earth kinda had some vikings show up

they told you that you’d “make a fine warrior one day”

and then yall got attacked by a ????? a what??? a destroyer???????

“get y/n out of here now! they shouldn’t have to see this!” -thor

you were still nearby and saw thor become thor again

after he was done fighting the destroyer, you ran to give him a hug

“that was awesome! can i hold your hammer?”

“maybe someday, little one”

then you didn’t see him for 2 years

which upset your mom a good bit, you had to help her through that episode. lots of sitting on the couch and eating ice cream together talking about how he wasn’t worth her time even tho you missed him too

but he came back! and then your mom sent everything flying bc she had an “infinity stone” inside her and thor took you two to asgard

“y/n! you’ve grown so much, i almost didn’t recognize you!” -thor

tbh you really digged the outfit they gave you, but also you were on another planet? thor insisted on giving you a tour (by flying you around)

“i do hope you’re having fun, little one!”

worrying about your mom simultaneously bc you overheard she was sick

but asgard got attacked and you and jane were confined to a room in the palace, which sucked because you wanted to see it all

but thor sent guards to bring you anything to keep you entertained

“maybe we’ll skip the mace for now, thank you�� -jane

after several events that count as child endangerment, this chapter came to an end and your mom and thor finally made it official

loki called you a rodent and then saved your life so you were kinda iffy about him

about a year or two later, your mom had to travel a great deal in order to get some work done, so you were left in the care of thor, who took you to avengers tower

“oh, my girlfriend’s child is an angel! and they’re so intelligent, just like their mother!” -thor gushing to other partygoers

“yeah, thor, your ‘angel’ is sneaking drinks from the elderly” -tony

*sipping his beer* “they’re a growing teenager”

you did have an amazing time interacting with the avengers

and once they tried grabbing the hammer, you knew you had to get in on it (but you failed like the rest)

“don’t worry, my y/n, you have to be eighteen years of age to be able to lift mjölnir!” -thor

“oh, that makes sense!” -you, while thor aggressively shakes his head at the other avengers. he just wanted to make sure you didn’t feel bad you weren’t worthy yet :(

more child endangerment but really what did you expect?

thor went off world and your mom split it off w him but you did have his email so you were still in contact with him

swearing you saw odin on the street once or twice (fast forward)

and then your mom dusted and thor found you as soon as he possibly could, it was so good to see him

he took you in since you were alone now, you moved to new asgard and became prince(ss) of the new land by relation?? makes sense right

basically you and valkyrie made all the calls while thor grieved for years

but he still took care of you

“y/n, would you like to play video games with me? i think it may be a good bonding experience, what do you say?” -thor

“duh!”

uncle korg made you help him with fortnite while thor was asleep

you wished to wield stormbreaker one day

showing thor earth media! his favorite star wars character is r2-d2 dont ask why

he taught you asgardian recipes and you taught him...earth recipes?

when he was drunk he’d ramble on about his childhood and battle and enemies and jane and loki and hela and frigga and literally anything that came to mind

“y/n, could you please get me a beer? and get one for yourself, too” -thor

valkyrie most definitely gave you some battle training so you you blow off some steam, you were glad she taught you how to fight like a true warrior

thor wanted to teach you battle tactics so you could fight alongside him, but he never got around to it

a raccoon and bruce banner visited later on, proposing a way to get your family back, thor was an emotional wreck

his debriefing on the reality stone was tense when he started crying about your mom and everyone stared at you

“hey, don’t look at me. i don’t control the god, i just keep him company”

ending up waiting 1 second for the avengers to come back from their mission, resulting in you being stuck in the middle of a very heavy battle

“y/n, get out of here!” -thor

“don’t worry, thor! valkyrie taught me a few moves!”

“you make me incredibly proud, little one!”

“i’m not so little anymore, am i?”

“you will always be my little one, y/n. blood or not, that will not change!”

victory, but at what cost? it was a rough ride, you needed to get patched up, but your mom was finally home and thor...he decided it was time to leave earth again

“don’t worry, my y/n. i will see you again.” *tearing up* “i’m so glad i got the pleasure of raising you these past few years. i love you dearly, now go be with your mother”

you straight up wanted to bawl your eyes out right there

“well, y/n, you’re next in line for the throne of new asgard. what is your first command?” -valkyrie

“actually, i think you’d make a much better ruler than me. i’ve got to spend some time with my mother now that she’s home”

“you’re so much like him, you know that?”

staying with your mother, who was diagnosed with cancer not long after returning from the soul stone (a/n: jane getting cancer is canon in the comics and confirmed for thor 4)

“i missed five years of your life and now i’m sick, that’s just our luck, isn’t it?” -jane

she was understandably upset, but she also felt guilty

“mom, don’t beat yourself up. everything is okay, we’re still together right now. i won’t be going anywhere, i promise”

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiantfavs // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck //

#thor odinson x child!reader #thor odinson x reader #thor odinson imagine #thor odinson #thor #thor x reader #thor imagine #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #avengers #jane foster #jane foster x child!reader #jane foster x reader #jane foster imagine

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sepublic · 5 years ago

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Origami and New Apex!

…Y’know.

I kind of half-expected Simon to, y’know…

…But I didn’t expect it like THIS.

When he fell I thought that was it! Perfectly karmic given what he did to Tuba! But then Grace saved him, and I was like… Dude there’s no way you can truly hate her now, she just stuck her neck out for you after you tried to KILL her, she genuinely wants and cares for you as a person and even if she doesn’t always get along she wants to make up for what she did and she wants to see YOU be happy and alive, just for your sake!

…So in all honesty YEAH, Simon deserved to die for kicking Grace off anyway. She couldn’t even threaten his position with his top number.

And, like… I was FINE with the idea of him being separated from the rest, and forced to figure things out on his own away from others he could hurt! At the very least I wasn’t outright opposed to the idea of Simon having a redemption, but also coincidentally getting the shit beaten out of him everyday, somehow, because Fate decrees that as karma!

Well. All I can say is that Tuba is probably fortnite-dancing in heaven over this, so! I guess I can’t be TOO sad…

…And Grace. OHHHH Grace you messed-up person. You are SO messed-up, it’s genuinely surreal seeing people like Tulip, Jesse, and Lake be happy at the end; Like sure Grace may have sicced Mace and Sieve upon Lake, but Lake got the last laugh in that she’s actually happy and not haunted by the guilt of the objectively-horrible things she’s done!

It’s really wild seeing that the ‘denizen’ who chased Grace was actually just the Steward, who can fly now…? Regardless, finding out that Amelia didn’t even knowingly interact with Grace, and the circumstances of seeing her arm reach out from the pod… It makes a lot more sense what happened, as well as the idea of Grace –not too far off of the spot- assuming Amelia was the Conductor and a man, because why would she be hiding her voice? Who would she be hiding it from?

(Plot twist: She’s not hiding her voice, Amelia is instead trying to listen to someone else’s…)

But yeah, it says a lot more about why Amelia does not feel any guilt at all, and while I wouldn’t put it past her character to forget an interaction with some child… It also makes a lot more sense this way, that Amelia just had NO awareness of Grace in that situation whatsoever, but to a desperate and scared kid, she seemed like a god!

And let me tell you, as someone who’s already watching another show with an abused kid who’s got emotionally-neglectful parents… COME ON, Grace looks beautiful in that dress! What kind of parent sees their kid happily playing dress-up and doesn’t want to cheer them on?! Or at least tell them, “If you don’t want to meet the ambassador right now, you can do your own thing! But Mommy and Daddy also have to do this, we’ll be right back with you!” Like jeez… Also, the revelation of the Infinity Train appearing indoors, and even dressing up its appearance to others!

Now it just comes across as a cruel siren! Like it could appear RIGHT BEHIND me as I’m typing this… Remember when Book 1 was like, “Oh this train is scary… No wait it’s GOOD actually!” And then Book 2 said, “Okay this Train is imperfect, but ultimately it means well and does well in the end, right?” And then Book 3 was just, “Okay this train is just straight-up terrible. Jeez just let people figure out their issues in a normalway.”

Hazel… poor Hazel. She deserves SO much better than this, she started off so happy and unconditionally loving, so innocent and pleased with Tuba, she didn’t WANT to leave and then all Simon and Grace did was take everything away from Hazel and leave her traumatized, cynical, and betrayed! She got NOTHING from her interactions with them, besides hanging around with Amelia I guess… But Amelia’s got her issues. I do agree though, she IS snappily-dressed, and hopefully these two can help each other…

…I just wish Grace got to say sorry for straight-up ruining Hazel’s life though.

Simon, oh Simon! I think The Cat saw this coming… If she heard the news, she’d be disappointed yet not surprised, and I think a part of her had come to terms with this inevitability by now. It says a lot that even after the memory of Grace being a kid and risking her own life to save him, amidst everything else, he STILL acted out of spite. I have to say, it’s interesting seeing that Ghom flying around, when normally they’re always buried in the dirt of the wasteland!

In Book 1, Tulip accidentally led a Ghom onto the train and left it behind… Do some Ghoms get tired of waiting, or get stuck on the train in their pursuit, and start roaming around? Regardless, given this show’s allusions towards thing being fated, I have to wonder if it was just that; By the decree of Fate that a Ghom would just be randomly flying around at this point in time, at this SPECIFIC car…! Imagine if it was the same one that had chased Simon all those years ago.

…Also JEEZ DID THEY NEED TO BE THAT GRAPHIC!?! I knew HBO Max was a way for the writers to tackle more mature things, but this was straight-up a SKELETON, this was out of Indiana Jones or something! Owen wasn’t thinking, “Is this too far…?” When writing Simon’s death. He was thinking “Is this FAR ENOUGH…?”

I’ve had past speculation before that passengers who die are reincarnated into denizens. It seems like the Ghom was about to transform or something when it poofed… Either way it was clearly made with some purpose in mind, because what creature would choose to feed on something if doing so would result in its death? It’s clearly another programmed feature of the Infinity Train with a horrific purpose…

…That could’ve happened to Tulip also-

Not so sure about Lake, Mace, and Alan Dracula since they’re denizens, but alas. Regardless I have to wonder if the Ghom teleported somewhere and transformed into a denizen, if Simon was reborn as one as penance for sins too high to count, like others before him… If he’ll atone for his past life by helping others heal, since he clearly could not heal himself! Maybe we’ll see a denizen in a hypothetical Book 4 with a voice just like Simon’s, in a situation similar to Terrance the Toad…

Maybe that’s who Terrance was, a passenger so awful and beyond redemption that he was absorbed by a Ghom and converted into a denizen as a liability to others! And that him choosing to willingly offer himself up to be kicked by Jesse and Lake, just to see them get away and be happy… That was HIS redemption, which led to Fate allowing Terrance to escape his life of being kicked constantly! Sure he still gets kicked, but it’s an active choice and one he gets to benefit from, so can he complain?

This season KILLED me. I want off the train. I’m really wondering if we’ll EVER see who made the Infinity Train, if it was even a person and not something that’s been around since the beginning of people and their issues themselves…

…SERIOUSLY. If you have the money to spare, do it NOW, because you aren’t just paying to watch Book 3. You are LITERALLY PAYING for Book 4! You are literally, personally funding Book 4’s very existence by this point people! So if you want a resolution for poor Hazel, and maybe Amelia, and MAYBE a reconciliation between the two and Grace… YA GOTTA PAY! Because if you don’t then there’s a good chance that it’s not just you who doesn’t get to watch it, it’s everybody else!

And I don’t meant to guilt-trip, I just want the situation to be understood, all right? So with that in mind…

…Maybe until the next stop, you guys!

(Also no One-One. We do get a badge shaped like him and those little robots similar in appearance, so it really is just Randall and The Cat who are constants here huh?”

#infinity train #infinity train spoilers #spoilers #infinity train book 3 #infinity train season 3 #infinity train cult of the conductor #infinity train grace #grace monroe #infinity train simon #simon laurent #infinity train hazel #infinity train tuba #infinity train amelia #amelia hughes

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dalekofchaos · 5 years ago

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Why Palpatine’s return ruined the Sequel Trilogy and why TROS killed Star Wars

Here's why I hate that Palpatine was brought back. They did it simply because Snoke was killed off and instead of focusing on Kylo Ren and The First Order, they went back and forced Palpatine on us. They had absolutely no plan when constructing this trilogy and this is obvious. They threw him in at the last minute, this was JJ's idea or at the very least, Disney's decision. This is what happens when you don't plan things out and have no clear vision and direction.

It's not just that, it's the fact that it makes no sense. Palpatine had contingency plans after his death. The Contingency/Operation CInder was a plan devised by Palpatine for the future of his Galactic Empire in the event of his death. The task of putting the Contingency into effect was given to Gallius Rax, a protégé of the Emperor. The Emperor's plan was to have the Galactic Empire destroyed, culling its weak elements and punishing it for failing to protect him, while also ensuring its rebirth in the Unknown Regions of space at the hands of an elect assembled by the Emperor and Rax in order to continue its legacy.NOW that Palpatine was brought back, his Contingency makes absolutely no sense.

Palpatine surviving should be impossible and improbable in every conceivable way. Anakin tossed him into the reactor. We see the dark side energy released from his death. He fell a long time but he still fell to his death. Lando blew up the Death Star. No matter how powerful he was in the force, there is no surviving a fall that massive and a nuclear explosion. There was no explanation to his survival at all.

According to Ian McDiarmid, Palpatine was dead. George Lucas had no intentions of ever bringing him back. They brought him back solely to attempt and try to get back the fans they lost and demonized after The Last Jedi. It was nothing but nostalgia and a cash grab.

For those of you who are about to say “tie ins” I am gonna tell you something controversial. We should not be required to read books in order to understand a movie. If you don’t explain anything in the fucking movie, then you should not be making movies and fuck JJ Abrams’ Mystery Box bullshit.

Palpatine in the actual movie is just....bad. First of all he announces his survival to the galaxy. That is just dumb. Palpatine is smart, he had the element of surprise and he just gives himself away. Star Destroyers coming out of the ice....makes no sense. And Palpatine looked ridiculous. He looked like a video game character with PS2 graphics. And....the announcement came FROM FUCKING FORTNITE. His defeat at the hands of Rey was fucking laughable. How is it that when Mace Windu, a fully trained Jedi Master tries to deflect his lightning, it just destroys his mask, but when Rey does it he is destroyed? He literally could’ve just stopped, force push her off the cliff or even just use the force to crush her. But....he just died stupidly. This is not Sheev Palpatine. Disney Luke is Jake, so I dub this idiot, Steve Palpatine.

And my real problem. Bringing back Palpatine made the first 6 movies entirely pointless. Palpatine outliving Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, Han Luke and Leia is the ultimate desecration of Star Wars. “it was always the plan to bring Palpatine back” and that is the problem. Its actually amazing how little the folks at Lucasfilm, Bad Reboot and Disney “get” Star Wars. Having the ultimate bad guy of the first 6 films live to see Episode 9 when the heroes who supposedly defeated him are long dead. It literally destroys the core mythology of the Star Wars universe and makes the selfless choices our characters made unrewarding. That’s just depressing. Their sacrifices and triumphs are ultimately undermined, devalued and utterly pointless. Moral of the story, nothing you did mattered, let the new generation clean up your mess because the money says so. And making Rey Palpatine's granddaughter, killing EVERY LIVING Skywalker and having a Palpatine steal the legacy of the Skywalkers is desecration of Star Wars. Rey isn’t related to the Skywalkers it’s so creepy that she stole everything from them. She stole the falcon, she stole Luke’s lightsaber, she stole their family name. She stole Anakin and Luke’s ultimate victory over Palpatine. Their legacy. Palpatine won…..This is disgusting. The Skywalkers all dying and Rey taking the name is an exact summation of this trilogy. Tearing down all the old heroes and everything they did just for the new ones to do the same exact thing. Just to prop Rey up? You CAN build up new characters without tearing down the old characters and their legacy. Everything in this trilogy was done to break down and humiliate the characters we cared about and imitate something that was done in the past and has no substance.

If anyone still cannot understand my problem with bringing back Palpatine and why I find it narratively offensive. Just imagine this.

What if Harry discovered that Dumbledore was wrong and Voldemort had far more than 7 horcruxes? Ashamed and afraid, he hides Ginny and the Potter children among the muggles. A defeated Ron returns to the burrow, while Hermione spends her days searching for Horcruxes. Years later, a 17 year old, Rachel Marvela Riddle, begins discovering her new powers, despite never receiving her Hogwart's letter. Her magic is incredibly strong, but she is everything Tom was not. With the help of some friends, she tracks down the remaining Horcruxes and finally destroys the true Voldemort, for good and realsies this time! Also she starts calling herself the Girl Who Lived. This is the plot of Disney's Star Wars Sequel Trilogy..

What if Harry didn’t actually destroy Voldemort? What if The One Ring survived Mt. Doom? Interesting concepts, but they would devalue everything that came before. The entire point of the Sequel Trilogy is disregarding generations of storytelling because no one behind this trilogy had any original or creative stories to tell. This is how Star Wars dies, with uncreativity and greed.

#Anti TROS #Anti Sequel Trilogy #Anti JJ Abrams #Anti Lucasfilm #Emperor Sheev Palpatine #Darth Sidious

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Hasbro Gift Guide: Best Hasbro Toys, Action Figures, and Games for the Holidays

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Presented by:

There are a number of reasons as to why Hasbro is such a powerhouse in the world of toys, but ultimately the main factor behind why their products are so beloved is simple—they are fun. Since its original formation in 1923, the Rhode Island-based company has dedicated itself to releasing toys that are rich with creative potential and stand the test of time.

Along with beloved original creations, Hasbro is also home to some of the industry’s best licensed products, including Star Wars, Transformers, Marvel, and Power Rangers. We’ve put together this gift guide of a diverse array of Hasbro deals available on eBay now to help make your holiday shopping a breeze. Shop confidently knowing that the following items are not only enjoyable but well made, making them fantastic gift ideas!

Star Wars: Galactic Heroes: 2-in-1 Millennium Falcon

Geared towards young Star Wars fans, this durable Millennium Falcon comes with mini figures of Chewie and R2-D2. Better still, it holds a surprise as it is both a ship and a multi-level playset – and can be easily be switched between the two. Two-in-one Corellian starship fun? Sign us up!

Buy the Galactic Heroes: 2-in-1 Millennium Falcon here

Transformers: Bumblebee: Bee Vision Bumblebee AR Experience

See the world through Bumblebee’s eyes with this impressive virtual reality experience that lets users overlay digital images over their surroundings. Includes an AR mask, AR goggles, a gauntlet, 3 AR markers that work in unison with the downloadable Bee Vision app for hours of Transformers fun.

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Star Wars: The Black Series: Kylo Ren

So much more than a “creature in a mask,” Kylo Ren is one of the most complicated characters in this history of the Star Wars saga. His tendency towards patricide aside, it’s hard not to feel for the dude, isn’t it? From Hasbro’s The Black Series line of Star Wars 6” figures comes this highly detailed and articulated figure of the erstwhile Ben Solo, complete with both a extended lightsaber and a saber hilt.

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Monopoly: Stranger Things Collector’s Edition Board Game

Like you, we can’t wait until 2021 when we can return to the upside down when Stranger Things returns. Fortunately, until then we’ve got this special branded edition of Monopoly – that comes packaged in an oh-so-1980s box and features icons from the series as playing pieces – to keep us occupied.

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Marvel: Captain Marvel: Photon Power FX Captain Marvel Electronic Super Hero Doll

With screen accurate sound effects and light up hands and chestplate, this electronic Captain Marvel doll is powerful fun for everyone!

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Star Wars: Escape from Death Star Game

Looking for the perfect throwback gift for the Star Warrior in your life? Then this reissue of Kenner’s classic Escape from Death Star Game is a must buy. A replica of the popular 1977 board game (which was one of the few Star Wars products available after the movie’s release due to an underestimation of how much of a success it would be), this edition features a special feature – an exclusive 3 ¾” Grand Moff Tarkin retro action figure. The Tarkin figure was never available in the original Star Wars figure line, making this a truly special product. Also we can tell you from personal experience that the game is hella fun!

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Marvel Legends: Avengers Electronic Power Gauntlet

Yes, this fantastic replica of the Infinity Gauntlet features sound effects taken right from the Avengers movies as well as lights, but half of the fun of this would be to put it on and pretend to snap away things we don’t like. Admit it, you’d totally do that too.

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Power Rangers: Beast Morphers: Beast-X Electronic Saber

No Power Rangers play experience is complete without this Beast Morphers electronic saber that features lights and sounds that respond to users movements, offering a completely individual play experience every time!

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Nerf Fortnite: HC-E Blaster

The videogame thrills of Fortnite meet up with the real-life play possibilities that Nerf has made its trademark for a safe and fun blaster toy.

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Star Wars: Scream Saber Lightsaber Electronic Roleplaying Toy

Okay this is super cool: An electronic lightsaber that allows you to record your own sounds that you can play as you swing this through the air in your own imaginary Jedi battles.

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Marvel Legends: The Grandmaster and Korg

Thor: Ragnarok is a bit of a cinematic miracle in that it not only pays tribute to the aesthetic of Marvel legend Jack Kirby but it is also full of instantly iconic characters like Jeff Goldblum’s The Grandmaster and Taika Waititi’s Korg. The pair are bundled together in this set of figures from Hasbro’s ever-impressive Marvel legend line. We’ve been collecting action figures basically since we left our cribs and rarely have we seen toys that capture the spirit of their big screen counterparts as well as they two do.

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Transformers: Cyberverse: Fusion Mace Megatron

From Hasbro’s Transformers: Cyberverse line comes this edition of the saga’s primary baddie that transforms from vehicle to robot mode in nine simple steps.

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Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: Supreme Leader Kylo Ren: Force Rage Mask

Based on Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, this sturdy replica of Kylo Ren’s reforged mask (kintsugi exists in a galaxy far, far away too!) features electronic sounds that bring the movie experience to your corner of the universe.

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Marvel Legends: Captain America Classic Shield

Way more of a serious collectible than a toy (the box denotes it is geared at consumers aimed 18 and up), this replica of Cap’s shield can be used for anything from décor to coffee table. Okay, maybe not that last one, still, wow. What Marvel fan wouldn’t desire this thing?

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Marvel Infinity War: Titan Hero Series: Captain America with Titan Hero Power FX Port

Oh hey look, it’s the action figure representation of how we all feel after 2020 — grizzled but determined to face whatever comes next.

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nicostolemybones · 6 years ago

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The Battle of Area 51

“This is not a game,” Nico lectured sternly, and Percy snickered. “This is no laughing matter, Jackson! Okay, let’s run through the plan one last time! Ares cabin, Clarisse, you’ll lead the charge, take down the guards, lay down cover fire for the Naruto runners! Poseidon Cabin, Zeus cabin, you guys whip up a storm to help the Ares cabin! Apollo cabin and Hunters of Artemis, you’re the snipers, I want you on high ground firing arrows at them! Aphrodite cabin, charmspeak those guards to let us past and to give us access codes to all the rooms and spill all the secrets! Hecate cabin, use the mist to make decoys! Nemesis cabin, remember, this is vengeance for all the imprisoned aliens and that’s why you’re here! Demeter cabin, slow the guards down with thick vines and poisonous plants! Athena cabin, you’re working on infiltrating and hacking all the computers! Hephaestus cabin, burn down gun stations, jam missiles, Festus can burn down doorways, I want to see you guys working on all the technology we steal and I want you all to figure out all the machines inside and use them for our advantage! Dionysus cabin, get them drunk, make them temporarily mad, weaken their defences! Iris cabin, use your abilities to disorientate and distract the guards! Hypnos cabin- CLOVIS WAKE UP- send the guards to sleep when you can! Hermes cabin, you’re stealing and sneaking in whilst the guards are distracted! Hades cabin- well Hazel- summon obstacles and summon weapons, shadow travel aliens to safety. The rest of you, just fuck shit up with your abilities! Romans; same rules apply, and follow the orders of your Praetors, do not go against orders unless necessary!”

“LET’S CLAP SOME ALIEN CHEEKS!” Connor yelled. Nico glared at him, whilst the younger campers plus Percy erupted into giggles.

“There will be no clapping alien cheeks,” Nico sighed in exasperation, “no alien cheeks will be clapped by anybody, by Olympus what the Hades is wrong with straight people?”

“Wait you’re gay?!”

“Yes but that’s not the point, just- go blend in with the mortals! Solace- you’re with me, we’ll go in with the Naruto runners and you need to make sure we don’t infect the aliens and they don’t infect us, and treat the wounded.” Percy wolf-whistled, so Nico summoned a skeleton to smack him round the back of the head. The group of demigods dispersed amongst the mortal army- which wasn’t much, but between the Kyles, weeaboos, tumblr trash, and Naruto runners, there was a fair few, and some cosplayers, DnD players, and medieval recreation nerds seemed to have a fair amount of weapons and armour- even if most of it was plastic light sabers, Klingon Bat’leths, and various other fantasy weapons.

Everything was quiet for a while, and the battle was more a staring down contest between the guards and the civilian raiders. Phones were beginning to live stream, and that’s when the Stoll brothers yelled the immortal battle cry “DO IT FOR THE VINE!!!” and the mortal crowd roared and cheered, repeating the battle cry.

“PEANUT BUTTER!!!” Tyson yelled as the crowd surged forwards. Nico screamed, Naruto running as fast as he could towards the guards, summoning skeleton armies of Naruto runners to back them up, but as soon as the guards opened fire, many Naruto runners gave up and turned away running back, or decided it best to run “normally”. One dedicated man had turned his electric wheelchair into some kind of turbo charged mini tank shaped like a Dalek. Fortnite dancers fortnite danced as they charged, Harry Potter fans desperately yelled out Unforgiveable Curses. Stargate fans dressed as Jaffa and Goa’uld warriors charged with staff weapons and pellet guns, some wearing “Free Thor” t-shirts- but not Marvel’s Thor or the Norse God thor- but rather the tiny alien guy Nico recognised from when Will made him watch Stargate. The Stargate Atlantis fans came dressed as Wraith instead. Marvel fans were clad in full superhero gear, although some fights had broken out between them and the DC fans. Star Wars fans dressed in Jedi robes. Clad in armour, the demigods didn’t look out of place. Nico was pleased to see the Egyptian magicians being lead by Sadie and Carter Kane, Magnus Chase and Samirah al-Abbass leading the Valkyries, Alex Fierro next to Frank Zhang shapeshifting into whatever they could. Alex stopped occasionally so she could spray mace into the eyes of Terfs.

Nico shadow travelled at the last minute, grabbing hold of Will and pulling him through the shadows. Will didn’t slow down when they emerged, and the image of Will Naruto running headfirst into a wall was going to be a source of laughter in Nico’s mind for many years to come. Thankfully, he didn’t do a Jason and knock himself out. “Ah fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this!” Will gasped, and Nico raised his eyebrow. In the distance, they heard Grover cause a Panic- although it didn’t affect the guards about to shoot Will in the face, so Will let out a shrill whistle and Naruto ran for it.

“Dork,” Nico jibed, pulling Will into the shadows again. Nico meant for them to land inside an aircraft hangar- but it soon became clear that they were inside some kind of alien spaceship.

“Holy Hera,” Will gasped, “Nico THIS SHIP HAS A STARGATE! NICO LOOK THAT IS A STARGATE, IMMA DIAL ABYDOS-”

“Focus, Solace,” Nico warned, “we can do that once we get this back to camp. I wasn’t allowed to drive the sun chariot so I’ll drive this time.”

“I get the feeling I’m gonna die if I let you drive,” Will replied, and Nico huffed.

“That’s if I don’t kill your stupid face first,” he retorted proudly, and Will snickered, looking around the ship.

“OH MY GODS NICO THERE’S A LIGHT SABER HERE!”

“DIBS THE RED ONE,” Nico yelled, rushing over and grabbing one, almost decapitating Will in his excitement.

“We should summon up a certain ghost,” Will grinned.

“Are you suggesting we prank call Castellan?”

“Nico, dude. You have to, for humanity. Do it for our children.”

Several runs to McDonald’s later and Luke Castellan’s ghost was confronted by Nico in pitch black armour and a light saber to speak the immortal words: “Luke, I am your father.” Luke’s ghost laughed. The gods applauded from Olympus. Will was unable to get up off the floor through his raucous laughter.

After several minutes of exploring the craft, the two demigods were armed with phasers and now possessed the infinity gauntlet- although they both agreed not to let Percy near it in case he dabbed rather than Thanos snapped at monsters. Nico shadow travelled a fair amount of the loot back to camp, where Chiron stood facepalming and shaking his head. This is when Nico learned that the Party Ponies had joined the raid and found out that Monster Donut were sponsoring Area 51. Nico returned to find Will making a flower crown for a baby alien he’d found hidden in the glove compartment. “Is that what I think it is,” Nico questioned, and Will smiled.

“An alien? Well yeah.”

“No, I meant a baby. Are you seriously holding a baby?”

“Yeah, a cute little alien baby, I made them a flower crown and put a bow in their hair! Well I hope it’s a baby otherwise I just told a whole-ass adult I’m their daddy now.” Nico choked- Will didn’t appear to realise the innuendo his words would have turned into if the alien was an adult. Will appeared to have adopted an alien child and that somehow melted Nico completely. Stupid son of Apollo being a perfect dad to an abandoned alien baby found in the glove compartment of a space ship.

“You can’t just raise a child, Will, the parents won’t pay child support and you’re like- fifteen and you look- you look twelve, okay, you look like a foetus!”

“Nico I’m only two months older than you,” Will laughed, “I’m still fourteen like you are, idiot. Although technically you’re ninety, you can be the grandpa.”

“I’m not going to be your daddy, Solace,” Nico replied, forgetting how it may have sounded like an innuendo, and Will choked and spluttered.

“That word is officially banned,” Will squeaked, and Nico quickly nodded in agreement. Thankfully before it could get any more awkward, the alien child started to cry. “Oh my gods Nico what do I do with it?”

“Does it have an off switch or batteries you can take out like the babies they give you in school?”

“Um- I can’t see any off switch, Nico, what do I do?!”

“You’re the doctor! Sing to it! Just don’t do a Hera and yeet it off a mountain or out of a window, I don’t need you Percying this into a worse situation than it already is!”

“Oh my gods I’m a single parent before I’ve had the talk,” Will whined, trying to hum a lullaby to the alien baby, which screeched, turned into a bug, and ran. Will shrieked and Nico accidentally summoned a pile of alien skulls. “Hey! My singing isn’t that bad,” Will protested, and the alien bug screeched again and shot some kind of web at Will’s face. Will squealed, trying clumsily to wipe the webbing off his face. Once Nico stopped laughing, he helped to pull the webbing out of Will’s hair, although once he managed to detangle the last of the webbing, he found himself enthralled by the soft bouncy texture of Will’s hair. It was curly like Nico’s, but dryer to the touch, probably a testament to the hours of sunbathing Nico figured Will had to do in order to stay tanned all year round. He didn’t realise he was obsessively caressing his best friend’s hair until he felt Will’s hand on his shoulder. Nico gasped, snapping his hand back and muttering an apology, but Will merely smiled and gods that smile melted Nico. “Fellas, is it gay to kiss your homie at Area 51,” Will asked to nobody in particular, and Nico found himself turning puce as Will leaned in, placing a gentle but certainly not platonic kiss on Nico’s lips. Nico’s brain seemed to short circuit, skeletal butterflies resurrecting down his spine and in his stomach.

When Nico’s brain finally managed a coherent thought, all he could manage to say was “that’s gay.”

Will snorted, resting his head on Nico’s shoulder as he laughed silently. “You’re gay,” he finally replied through giggles.

“Well you kissed me, you’re gay,” Nico retorted with a huff.

“Yeah, but is it gay if it’s your homie and you’re in Area 51,” Will asked with an impish grin, lifting his head and giving Nico a mishievous grin.

“We are gay, you dumbass,” Nico replied, lightly shoving Will’s shoulder.

“I guess we are,” Will replied with feigned thoughtfulness lacing his voice, “maybe we should make out just to be sure.”

“Don’t push your luck, Solace,” Nico said sternly, and Will pouted comically. Nico stood on his toes and leaned up, but he was too short to reach, so Will leaned down and Nico was finally able to place a rough kiss on Will’s lips.

And of course, that just had to be the exact moment to hear a chorus of “two bros, chillin’ in a space ship, five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay!” They broke apart immediately, startled by the presence of an Iris message showing Percy, Jason, Leo and Piper all grinning stupidly at them and Annabeth rolling her eyes.

“I’ll kill you all if you dare tell anyone,” Nico warned, raising skeletons to chase after them- although the skeletons were certainly not human. Leo and Percy screamed and ran, whilst Piper and Will laughed loudly. Jason merely raised his eyebrow, and Nico shrugged in response.

“So, that’s your type, huh,” Percy grinned, “I never thought we’d share a type!”

“What,” Nico snapped.

“Bossy blondes,” Percy replied, and Jason and Annabeth glared daggers.

“I agree,” Piper chimed in, “bossy blondes are worth the trouble.” This time, Jason and Annabeth both blushed.

Nico shrugged, looking back to Will, who seemed to be pre-occupied with the Stargate behind them. “Well, this one’s my bossy blond,” Nico replied fondly.

“Troublemakers are my type,” Annabeth replied, and Percy and Piper bowed proudly, “and Jason’s.”

“My type is pouty emo kids with long hair and sexy accents,” Will replied, and Nico blushed darkly.

“Your type is troublemakers,” Piper replied, “the ideal OTP formula is bossy blonde and troublemaking brunette, you can’t change my mind.”

“Whatever,” Nico protested. The Iris message cut off when a fight broke out between a Star Wars stan and a Trekkie.

“So,” Will began immediately, “can we be boyfriends now?”

“Only if you keep PDA to a minimum,” Nico replied, and Will beamed, glowing a warm amber light. Before they could do much more, however, a loud explosion ripped their attention away from each other. They both ran out to find the source of the explosion, and that is where they found Clarisse refereeing a battle between Shaggy and Thanos. The Stolls were running a betting ring, and Nico was sure they were all gonna die. But hey, it was a room full of Millennials and Gen Z, so nobody seemed particularly bothered by the danger of the situation, because this footage would certainly be legendary. Thanos snapped, and Shaggy disintegrated, only to reform using 1% of his power and steal the gauntlet. Shaggy dabbed, and Thanos was no more. Clarisse blew her whistle and the fight was over- the most epic showdown in human history and it had only taken seconds. Within minutes, lightening struck, and that was the moment Percy groaned loudly in realisation that the gods had been responsible for Area 51 all along.

“FUCK YOU, ZEUS,” Percy yelled, and the lightening would have struck him if it wasn’t for Shaggy eating the lightening bolt and letting out a loud burp.

“Do you have any wisdom, O mighty one,” Kayla asked, bowing at Shaggy’s feet.

“Sometimes you just gotta eat the enemy, man,” Shaggy replied, and the demigods let out a collective awed ‘ooohhh’. It was that moment that Shaggy burped out a heart-shaped arrow, and Nico realised that Shaggy had vored Cupid. Nico felt a smug grin break through his usually stoic expression, and Jason cheered loudly from the sidelines.

“Anyway, Shaggy said gay rights,” Will grinned.

“Actually, young man,” Shaggy said, gently resting his hand on Will’s shoulder, “I say gay and trans rights. And on that note, I think I might assassinate the president! Until next time, guys, gals, and non-binary pals!” And with that, and a wink to Alex Fierro, Shaggy dissipated into the wind, enraging the bigots and empowering the queer kids.

The raid continued into the night, the Stolls helping to take technology back to camp and Clarisse leading the charge against the military. It was only when Nico and Will made their way to the middle of the camp, all of the aliens freed and all technology liberated, that the end of the raid was in sight. Nico opened the final door, the entire raid party behind them, to find Rick Astley tied to a chair, singing Never Gonna Give You Up. It was then that they realised: they had been Rickrolled by the government.

#pjo #pjoverse #pjo/hoo #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #heroes of olympus #trials of apollo #nico di angelo x will solace #solangelo #will solace #nico x will #nicohasahappymeal #nico di angelo #solangelo fanfic #solangelo fic #pjo fanfic #pjo fic #demigods raid area 51

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tarakaybee · 5 years ago

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Oxventure Battle Royale - Breakdown

So the other week I got extremely bored from unemployment and decided to run a few battle royale simulations of The Oxventurers Guild to see who is the strongest, using my best guess at everybody’s stats and spells. My posts were a series of rambles that probably only made sense to me and didn’t include a lot of specifics. So here’s more of a break down.

Corazon

Strengths

Well rounded, is capable of ranged attacks, melee attacks and area-of-effect spells.

Combination of stealth and sneak attack is pretty powerful.

Uncanny dodge, decent armour class and cunning action make him difficult to pin down.

Weaknesses

No healing ability.

Despite his skill at melee range, every other Oxventurer can hit harder than him.

Egbert

Strengths

Two mace swings per attack action makes him the best at melee weapon attacks.

Divine smite is extremely strong and he can use it as long as he has spell slots.

High AC.

Oath of the Ancients allows Misty Step, which is good to help close the gap against ranged fighters.

Lay on Hands allows a guaranteed heal of 25 HP.

Weaknesses

Egbert’s main strategies in canon, bomb throwing and flame breath, are limited use, low range and extremely trivial to dodge.

No other ranged capabilities.

Egbert is best at ending melee combat quickly so if anybody’s alive after he’s used all of his spell slots he’s a lot more vulnerable.

Prudence

Strengths

Eldritch Blast has the highest hit chance and damage output, can be used at point blank range and has the second highest range of any character. Heck, a single hit is stronger than Corazon’s maximum sneak attack damage and she can do two every turn.

Charm Person is useful and Prudence has a very high spell save difficulty check

Hunger of Hadar is good to create spontaneous cover and pretty well damaging.

Weaknesses

Has the lowest AC and second lowest health, so if she misses too many Eldritch Blasts then she’s out.

Can technically Eldritch Blast at melee range but with her low health, AC and how easy she is to grapple this isn’t wise unless the target has low health already.

Merilwen

Strengths

The best all-rounder of the Oxventurers, has the highest attack range, longest reaching melee attacks and very deadly spells and area-of-effect abilities.

Second best AC of the Oxventurers.

Spike Growth and Moonbeam are very good damage dealers and very hard to dodge in the right environment.

Weaknesses

Combat Wild Shape isn’t too useful against these specific opponents since Corazon and Prudence are stronger at range, and Egbert can outpace Bearilwen in damage if he burns all of his divine smites.

Lowest health of the Oxventurers, so she’ll have to use Wild Shape to buff her health if she wants to stay in the fight, which is a big handicap against ranged opponents.

Dob

Strengths

Very hard to hit with his high AC and DEX save, and his massive health pool and ability to heal means you have to pour damage into him.

Hideous Laughter, Calm Emotions, Sleep and Crown of Madness have a high spell save DC and have the potential to pacify an opponent in one turn

Weaknesses

A majority of his spells are AOE abilities, so in larger environments its hard to use them at their full effectiveness.

Not a strong damage dealer compared to the others, Egbert, Prudence and Bearilwen can outpace him in a melee fight and Corazon’s sneak attack can eventually outpace Dob’s healing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So basically, the outcome depends on which Oxventurer’s strengths the battlefield leans into the most.

Corazon’s best strategy to hide, in some of my simulations Corazon was basically able to Batman Arkham Asylum his way around the fight and reveal himself only at the end.

Prudence’s best strategy is to be a sniper, in a lot of my simulations, Prudence was like a good Fortnite player, she landed in a lucky spot and was able to take people out from across the map.

Egbert’s best strategy is to use all of his level one spell slots on divine smite and his level two spell slots on Misty Step. In the simulations where he won, Egbert was basically like a Dark Souls boss, wailing on his opponent and not given them room to move.

Merilwen’s best strategy is to control the battlefield with Spike Growth or Entanglement and stay moving or covered, in some of my simulations, Merilwen’s kills were always more varied so it’s hard to pin a game style on.

Dob’s best strategy is to pacify as many people as possible with his Charm/Sleeping spells and wait for the others to thin themselves out. In some of my simulations, Dob tended to appear from nowhere and win whilst everybody else was engaged in pitched battles with one another.

#outside xbox #oxventure

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momo-de-avis · 6 years ago

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O Filho de Odin, Cap. 12, “O Corno do Unicórnio”

Vamos mesmo ter de passar por isto outra vez, huh.

Amigos, tive uma discussão ontem à noite porque aparentemente é instintivo dizer “Instambul” mas é Istambul”. Escrevi mal da última vez (o Zuzarte escreveu bem, não se preocupem). My bad.

Antevisão: No qual Zuzarte se vira para o gore e dá-me tipo, piçadas na testa. Juro-vos, esta merda pareceu que alguém encheu uma morcela com o ego do zuzarte e me deu lambadas nas bochechas.

Ah, preparem-se para os plágios belíssimos, que estes vão levar-vos ao céu.

Sigamos.

Drácula aumentava desenfreadamente o poder. Com o passar do tempo, os dias ficavam cada vez mais negros.

Eu sinceramente já não sei se é possível o mundo ficar mais negro ainda.

O pessoal da Roménia exasperava, pobres coitados. Mauzão Draconas só queria jogar Fortnite e logo o pai decidiu acabar com a wifi quando deixou os gurans roerem os cabos à maluca. Já não havia lojas de kebabs e passava uma fome que se desunhava. A única cadeia que sobrevivia à negrura de Drácula era uns armazéns chineses todos chamados Loja Éden onde se vendia velas com a cara do papa Francisco e uns cãezinhos eléctricos que cantavam a música do Frozen. Ójanos que Vhan tinha comido um valente chouriço assado, e agora estava preso a enchidos de carne pútrida de um gajo chamado Sergei que tinha mais osso que pele. Ainda para mais, liderar uma terra de mortos-vivos é uma chatice porque ninguém sabe cozinhar. Não havia programa no 24 Kitchen que ensinasse a fazer uma boa costoleta de bícepe de homem adulto morto há 7 dias com molho de larvas e Vhan está para ali a definhar-se em fome. Se calhar o único verdadeiro herói capaz de derrotar Drácula é o Ljubomir.

A noite durava mais do que o dia e uma neblina verde-escura, que pairava nos céus, fazia com que os vampiros e Drácula tivessem uma vida diurna sem problemas.

O primo Oskar ia odiar viver aí.

Drácula e Kalthazad olham para a sua enorme BOLA de cristal negra e vêm que Jonatã vem aí que nem uma louca, então ordena a Vhan que agarre em “uma elite de dois mil vampiros-soldados para aniquilar o rapaz”.

A “muitos quilómetros dali”, Jonatã e os seus 5 empecilhos decidem caminhar a pé, levando consigo “os mantimentos que podiam e o material de acampamento” que, relembro, não existia até o Zuzarte decidir que o pessoal antigamente não dormia ao relento, e porque ele também nunca foi escuteiro.

Assim que [Jonatã] pôs o pé em solo romeno sentiu uma força invadir-lhe o corpo, mas depois essa sensação passou.

Eu continuo a dizer que isso é só a puberdade.

Recuou um pouco e aproximou-se da fronteira da Roménia com a Bulgária. Estendeu a mão e sentiu que tocava numa parede, mas ali não existia nada. Nisso é que ele se enganava, pois Drácula criara uma barreira invisível que rodeava toda a Roménia; esta barreira permitia aos mortos-vivos sair e entrar, mas um ser vivo poderia apenas entrar, para nunca mais sair…

As reticências dão mesmo aquele toque de pindérico-terror, tipo capítulo rejeitado dos Arrepios. Ui ca mau, filho da puta, pôs uma barreira invisível onde a malta entra mas já não sai… tipo, uhhh, estamos todos aqui na panela de pressão do mal, a cozinhar a mioleira, ai que besta…

Jonatã resfolega que nem cavalo endiabrado e pensa: foda-se, posso nunca mais voltar a casa -- esquecendo-se que o pai correu com ele com tanta classe que o mais certo é ser adoptado, mas este homem tem tomates até ao pescoço e é FORTE e CORAJOSO e pensa para ele: népia, mano, o que importa é derrotar Drácula.

Aparentemente, a tampa da panela de pressão que o Drácula pôs ali não permite aos três empecilhos chamarem os seus respectivos animais divinos, portanto os três estão fora agora. Vai tudo com o Armando (umas vezes a pé, outras vezes andando).

E.. foda-se, o negrume desta terra fica mesmo pior:

[...] até chegarem a uma floresta negra, envolta numa neblina preta

VantaForest (™)

e, de vez em quando, viam-se pequenos olhos vermelhos que brilhavam na escuridão.

É o Anish Kapoor que vem aí.

Iça tudo as armas em preparação, e quando Kenchi saca da sua Catana-Fareja-o-Cu-do-Diabo, fica toda vermelhinha tipo Coração de Viana da Joana Vasconcelos, e os olhos vermelhos que viram na escuridão fecham e desaparecem.

-- Que é que se passa com a tua espada, Kenchi? -- perguntou [Jonatã].

-- Lembras-te quando eu te disse que a Yojimbo-Masamune podia detectar energia diabólica ou o mal?

-- Sim!... [pra quê tanto entusiasmo?]

-- Como estamos na Roménia, e o mal se espalha por todo o lado, ela brilha mais intensamente.

O pedaço de exposição/explicação mais inútil que já vi tipo, literalmente perda de caracteres. O Zuzas adora tratar-nos como estúpidos, mas tipo, isto não foi explicado assim há tanto tempo, a gente sabe isso, não era necessário explicar o porquê, bastava o Kenchi sacar do seu Radar Nipónico e dizer “eh, diabo, isto tá cheio de gajos maus” e a gente fazia 2 + 2, palhaço.

[Jonatão] olhou para o interior da floresta e murmurou: “Não temo a escuridão nem a morte”, e embrenhou-se nela sozinho.

ONDE É QUE TU VAIS, CARALHO

Os outros, está claro, seguem-no porque tipo, foda-se, mas esPERA AÍ, PESSOAL, O TE’CHALL FALA

O TE’CHALL DIZ UMA CENA:

-- O meu pai sempre disse para seguirmos o nosso líder, e é isso que vou fazer.

Kenchi e Mace olharam um para o outro, deram as mãos e lá foram.

Isto é.. A cena mais esquisita deste livro. Porque caralho deram as mãos? Este gajos têm menos química que dois action mans nas mãos de um homem adulto heterossexual, o que é que isto significa?

A floresta é NEGRA, as árvores NEGRAS são altas, a neblina continua a ser verde e quase não há sol nenhum e não se vê um cu.

Após algumas horas de viagem, os amigos ouviram uma espécie de choro misturado com o relinchar de um cavalo. Seguiram direcção ao barulho e encontraram um unicórnio (Equus monoceros) sem corno, deitado e com um ferimento arredondado na testa, de onde jorrava sangue prateado; o pobre animal gemia de dor.

Alguém aqui viu Galavant? Lembram-se da cena do Richard com o unicórnio?

É a relação que estou a estabelecer neste momento.

E… amigos, a puta de explicação que se segue a seguir…

Este poderoso cavalo é famoso por ter pelagem branca e meigos olhos castanhos. A crina parece seda pura e um pequeno corno que pode ser de marfim ou de ouro sai-lhe da testa. Os unicórnios são seres bons e meigos e mostram mais afecto pelas mulheres do que pelos homens.

????

Podem comunicar telepaticamente e são muito velozes, graças à magia dos seus cascos dourados. O toque do seu corno cura qualquer doença e transforma a água mais suja em cristalina ou benta, conforme a vontade do animal.

LMAO depende se o unicórnio recebeu o Crisma ou não

Muitos humanos tentaram caçar unicórnios para usá-los como corcéis ou para limar o seu corno, mas nenhum conseguiu fazer tal coisa por se tratar do animal mais rápido do mundo, a seguir aos animais sagrados.

….claramente alguém na Roménia teve sucesso.

Curiosamente, o unicórnio põe ovos e defende o seu ninho com a própria vida. Nunca ninguém conseguiu apanhar ovos desta espécie, pois a magia do seu chifre pode dizimar mais de quarenta homens, se estiver furioso. Para nascer, o unicórnio parte a casca do ovo com o seu pequeno chifre envolto em pêlo, e quando cresce parte com o objectivo de espalhar a fé e a paz.

Desculpem, eu até estava a ponderar “hmm, isto soa baitado” mas senti-me completamente arrebatada de um prédio abaixo e como se sete ninjas me acabassem de esmurrar as entranhas com o facto de os unicórnios porem ovos o QUÊ CARALHO?

Iori e Jonatã tocam no animal (PERCEBEM? PORQUE SÃO PUROS) e perguntam-se o que lhe terá acontecido e

-- Foi arrancado [o corno] à força. Maldito seja o… inumano que fez tal selvajaria a um animal tão puro. É um crime! Se eu encontro o infeliz… eu… eu…. Enfio-lhe este pau pela uretra acima!!! -- ameaçou [Jonatão] irritadíssimo e ostentando um pauzinho na mão.

enfias-lhe o quem pelo q u ê

ISTO É LITERATURA INFANTO-JUVENIL LOL

Pessoal. Acho. Acho que o Te’Chall se vai FINALMENTE fazer útil porque ele e o Jonatã avistam uma luz ao fundo que vem de uma cabana construída no meio da floresta e batem à porta (O Kench também vai porque foda-se), mas como ninguém responde, entram.

O interior da cabana era tão horrível, que era capaz de causar náuseas ao homem mais corajoso e forte. Do tecto, pendiam correntes presas com ganchos enferrujados e, nestes, estavam espetados corações humanos, que manchavam o chão com gotas de sangue. Havia frascos que continham órgãos em conservação. Alguns desses órgãos ainda estavam em cima de uma pequena mesa de madeira. Do outro lado da mesa, havia um cérebro humano com uma faca espetada. Numa tábua de madeira estava um corpo humano esventrado, notando-se a falta do coração. No canto da cabana, encontrava-se uma caixa, em forma de caixão, com espinhos de serrilha enferrujados no interior; quem fosse ali colocado era perfurado completamente e qualquer movimento causaria dores horríveis. A caixa tinha vários ajustes para determinar a tortura desejada.

TENHO A CERTEZA QUE A MALTA PRÉ-ADOLESCENTE A QUEM ESTE LIVRO SE DESTINA VAI ADORAR, ZUZARTE.

No outro canto da cabana, via-se um quebra-maxilares. Este objecto coloca-se na boca da vítima e vai rodando uma manivela até o maxilar abrir ao máximo, deslocando-o e chegando mesmo a parti-lo.

Já percebi, Zuzarte, foste estudar gravuras de tortura ingleses do século XVI. Ou foste à London Dungeon.

Jonatã GREGA-SE TODO PORQUE É UM PUSSY AI UI CHEIRA A SANGUE CA NOJO E O MAN VIRA LOGO A BONECA, AI TADINHO DE MIM, QUE MEU PÉNIS ATÉ SE ENCOLHEU

-- Que espécie de homem vive nesta cabana? -- perguntou Te’Chall

Por amor de deus faz qualquer coisa útil ALÉM DE DIZER MERDAS ÓBVIAS

Devo referir que, no meio disto, a Mace e a Iori estão lá fora, porque tadinhas, meninas não aguentam ver estas coisas horrorosas, né fofas?

Ouve-se uma voz vinda de uma sala cuja porta tem “um crânio em cima e dois em baixo, formando um triângulo. A maçaneta tinha a forma de um crânio de gnomo ou de uma criança.”

A sala estava decorada com um sofá tigresa ao centro, e numa parede, uma série de chicotes e fitas de seda vermelha perfilavam pelo olhar dos intrusos. Uma mesa ostentava um altar com velas cor-de-rosa à escultura do Jeff Koons com a Ciccionlina, coroada por luzinhas do Ikea em forma de coração. As paredes estavam pintadas de vermelho, excepto uma, que era roxa, e onde isoladamente estava pendurado, em toda a sua glória, um Menino da Lágrima, iluminado por velas de várias cores.

Sobre o sofá tigresa, Mauzão Draconas estendia-se sensualmente, uma perna esticada sobre o braço, vestindo uma sunga de lantejoulas douradas, um dedo enfiado no umbigo -- onde as linhas vermelhas que lhe desciam dos olhos se uniam -- e sorriu ao encontrar o olhar de Jonatã.

-- Estava à tua espera, Strongheart.

Estou a gozar:

Abriram a porta e encontraram Kalthazad de joelhos em frente a um altar. Numa mão, segurava uma varinha necromante, toda ela com lábios e línguas pregados à negra madeira da varinha,

Eu tou-me a rir tanto com esta merda djwekhfskdjhgdkg

na outra mão, segurava um chifre de unicórnio que lhe manchava a mão com sangue prateado. No altar, feito de ossadas, e diante do qual estava ajoelhado encontrava o Livro dos Mortos.

AO FUNDO, CONSEGUIA ESCUTAR-SE O CÂNTICOS NEGROS DE MARILYN MASON, ECOANDO ATRAVÉS DE UM GIRA-DISCOS ADORNADO DE OSSOS DE GNU E COM VELAS PRETAS EM CIMA, E NUM CANTO DA SALA, O REI GHOB OBSERVAVA DE OLHOS VERMELHOS, ENTOANDO OS INFAMOS CÂNTICOS SATÂNICOS DE GRACIANO SAGA

Eu tava a gozar mas

Velas negras iluminavam o quarto e colunas dorsais serviam de candelabro.

Para ser MUITO sincera, este Kalthazad soa a gajo que sabe aproveitar bem. O man deve ir ao talho e pede o porco inteiro, nem tem de cortar nem nada, e depois aproveita toda a merda para fazer mobília lá para casa. Bem útil.

Kalthazad pronunciava umas palavras em satânico e as runas no livro brilhavam numa cor verde.

E a Ana olhava com uns olhos de fúria para este texto e invocava um demónio por entre murmúrios e se espumava da boca enquanto pressionava as teclas numa martelada de raiva, desejando por tudo que esta merda chegasse ao fim. De fundo, a voz de Graciano Saga continuava a esvair-se num distorcido negro pela boca do Rei Ghob.

-- Não achas que já brincaste que chegue com o teu estojo de química? -- disse [Jonatã] a gozar com Kalthazad.

Meu caracol furado, se tens de dizer “a gozar” não tem piada. Se bem que isto é o típico humor de puto de 14 anos, mas se não fizesses questão de dizer “a gozar” não me irritava.

-- Strongheart?! Vejo que ainda estás vivo… É impressionante!

Vou-te matar, Strongheart, mas não te vou fazer sofrer. Vou apenas decepar teu belo pénis para construir-lhe um altar, e invocarei as forças do mal para transmitirem o poder da tua potentíssima testosterona para crescer em mim um pénis igual ao teu, para que também eu possa um dia manejar a Exímia Piça de Aquiles, este pénis exuberante esculpido pelas mãos de Odin, abençoado por Deus Nosso Senhor, e um dia, também eu povoarei a terra que nem Gengis Khan, e empregnarei tudo o que é orca por esse mundo fora. O teu fim chegou, Strongheart.

-- Chega de conversa. Eu vi o que fizeste ao unicórnio e, por isso, vais pagar por ele e pelas vítimas que mataste para a tua colecção de amostras -- sentenciou o rapaz.

Esperem lá, agora é que me ocorreu… então este caralho vive tipo eremita de Setúbal numa puta duma floresta? Porque é que o gajo não vive no castelo do Drácula?

Ai pqp…

-- E tu vais fazê-lo pagar, enfiando-lhe o pauxinho pela uretra acima, não é? -- brincou o amigo japonês.

--- Isto é, se ele a tiver -- disse [Jonatã].

PESSOAL O TE’CHAL MEXE O CU E FAZ CENAS TOU EM LÁGRIMAS

Kalthazad, então, ficou furioso e lançou-lhes um raio com um feitiço para o matar. Mas Te’Chall pôs-se à frente dele e projectou uma barreira de cor verde em forma de Lua em quarto crescente.

-- Shinja Rajchindjae! -- disse Te’Chall, e uma espada de luz saiu disparada directa ao estômago do atacante, espetando-o na parede. Com o impulso, o homem deitou abaixo o altar, e o Livro dos Mortos deixou de brilhar. [Jonatã] aproximou-se de Kalthazad e olhou para a sua cara, cuja barba branca estava cheia de gotas de sangue roxo [?????], a escorrerem pela boca, em direcção ao tronco.

Meus putos eu MAL ACREDITO que o miraculous blow veio do Te’Chal, que anda a coçar o escroto há uns 8 capítulos, e não do Jonatã!!!!!!

-- Cof… Pensas que… ganhaste, Strongheart… a minha morte significará pouco, o meu mestre já recuperou todo o seu poder… Cof… e já nada o pode deter…

-- Eu posso, E VOU FAZÊ-LO! -- determinou [Jonatão].

EU DURMO COM QUEM EU QUERO E FAÇO O QUE ME APETECE!!!!!!

O inimigo soltou um riso maléfico, sofreu uma hemorragia, e morreu de seguida.

EU GUINCHEI COM ISTO LSJFSDFGJHSDKFG

Já fora da casa de chacina [LOOOL] de Kalthazad, [Jonatão] reparou que o solo onde eles se encontravam começou a ficar outra vez verde, e num décimo de segundo toda a floresta voltou a recuperar a vida.

Zuzarte, tu... tu sabes o que é um décimo de segundo? É que estás sempre a dizer, décimo de segundo para aqui, décimo de segundo para ali, mas eu acho que tu não fazes ideia do que isso é.

Depois olhou também para o céu. De repente, a noite caíra e

Opa caralho, primeiro tá tudo escuro e verde, depois fica tudo florido e belo, e depois cai a noite, e depois fica sol mas escuro ao mesmo tempo, CARALHO Zuzarte, que é que se passa! Foda-se mas o poder do Drácula é lixar a previsão metereológica ao pessoal? Qual é que vai ser o seu próximo plano maléfico? Anunciar um fim de semana de 35 graus e depois largar um anti-ciclone dos Açores pra estragar as férias aos bifes no Algarve?

a noite caíra e o local onde eles se encontravam encheu-se de Beil’Als (Homo mortus necron)

Esta criatura é uma figura sinistra e espectral envolta em escuridão. Não tem aparência visível, excepto os pontinhos vermelhos que brilham no lugar dos olhos. Os três amigos olhavam o céu e engoliam em seco.

Reparam que o Jonatã se esqueceu do corno de unicórnio? Pergunto-me como vai o Zuzarte resolver isto.

-- Que fazemos agora? -- perguntou Kenchi.

-- Fugirmos muito rapidamente daqui, seria uma boa ideia! - respondeu Te’Chall.

-- Não, isso seria uma óptima ideia -- reforçou [Jonatão] com o corno de unicórnio na mão.

Ah pronto! Está ali! Era só pra termos a certeza que ele não aparece milagrosamente do cu do Jonatã mais tarde, mas só um bocadinho mais cedo que o esperado, então! Já que o Zuzarte nunca nos disse que o Jonatã foi lá tirar-lhe aquela merda da mão, mas foi lá dar-lhe com a pila na testa.

E o trio desatou a correr a toda a velocidade para junto de Brok, de Iori e de Mace

espeRA LÁ O BROK TAMBÉM FICOU NAS PUTAS JFHSSDUFH NEM DEI PELA FALTA DELE

Brok, Mace e Iori tomavam conta do unicórnio enquanto esperavam pelos outros, que não tardaram a chegar de uma forma bastante original:

...tenho medo

saltaram dos arbustos e aterraram mesmo ao lado das raparigas.

….

Brok sente cheiro a cocó, olha para a culottes do Jonatã e vê que ele borrou a cuequinha, e no seu ímpeto de macho, saca do machado e ala que se faz tarde para defender o real esfíncter do amigo, mas assim que iça a sua lâmina, faz também cocó:

De repente, o bando de Beil’Als cercou [Jonatã], os seus amigos e o unicórnio. Este, falou telepaticamente com Iori,

dESCULPA FEZ O QUÊ????

dizendo-lhe para lhe recolocar o corno na cabeça.

Assim??? A seco??? Nem com UHU ou fita-cola dupla???? Nem um bocadinho de cuspo?????

Iori pegou no corno e, assim que encostou à testa do animal, este uniu-se imediatamente ao resto do corpo e as feridas sararam.

Pois claro.

Os Beil’Als aproximavam-se e preparavam-se para sugar a alma de [Jonatã] e dos seus amigos,

E pelas pernas abaixo de Brok, escorreu, líquido e brilhante, um valente naco de cocó, que deslizou que nem lustrosa lesma através da narartiva, e barrou as páginas deste livro com nacos e nacos acumulados de merda, empastando-se através das páginas até fumegarem de verde, tão peçonhento quanto a qualidade literária do Zuzarte.

mas o unicórnio pôs-se à frente deles.

Vou fazer uma dramatização do que se segue:

O unicórnio franziu o sobrolho, baixou a cabecinha para criar ali um ensombrado sobre os olhos, bateu com o casco na terra e berrou: PONHAM-SE NO CARALHO, SUAS BICHAS NOJENTAS!

Uma luz irradiou do corno do unicórnio, formando uma “barreira de prata” em torno dos seus salvadores. Os Beil’Als guincharam, murmurando queixumes entre si -- ai, cruz credo, melher, isso é necessário?, ouve lá, e um sachabore, não, ó porca? -- e afastaram-se devagarinho.

A seguir, “uma espécie de raios laser azul-prateados foram disparados também a partir do seu corno, provocando a destruição dos atacantes”.

Iori ficou embasbacada e viu que o bicho se apoiava nas patas traseiras, totalmente recuperado. O unicórnio então começa a falar, e o seu corno brilha tipo parabólica, ao ritmo de cada sílaba. Tipo furby, estão a ver.

-- Obrigada, rapazes humanos;

LOLOLOLOLOL FODAM-SE AS MULHERES, CAMBADA DE VAGINAS ANDANTES DA PIÇA

Jonatã pergunta ao bicho como se chama; o bicho, erguendo as suas colossais narinas, emproa-se todo que nem Gandalfe quadrúpede e cornudo, e diz:

-- Ascalan,

Afjiojhsgjakme rnHAJKFBHSGJAHGUISDJGSOPDLÇGMSDFNA SDNFFMLA

OPA VAI PRO CARALHO, ZUZARTE

sou o último dos uncórnios romenos, os meus camaradas conseguiram sair a tempo deste maldito país, abandonando o seu líder à mercê da morte, mas eu jamais seria capaz de deixar a minha família.

Eu aposto que os romenos estão a adorar este livro.

-- Uma atitude nobre, Ascalan, digna de um unicórnio líder.

Vai lamber a gaita do teu pai, Jonatã. Nobre a puta que o pariu. Ah e tal sou líder, e os meus seguidores só tinham era de ficar aqui e morrer ao meu lado, enquanto eu lambo a minha real piça e afundo o barco com toda a gente. Tu és burro, man.

O unicórnio diz que a família está bem, e não acontece nada. Toda esta cena só serviu para esgalhar a pila do Zuzarte.

A muitos quilómetros dali, ficava Valáquia, um os centros de poder mais importantes de Dacula, protegida por montanhas repletas de Dragões Negros. Assim que os amigos saíram da floresta, encontraram uma pradaria gigante.

Jonatã passeava-se por um bosque soturno e ensombrado, carregado de figuras negras que se passeavam nos ângulos ocultos das suas árvores; a sul, ficava a amaldiçoada torre do mal, e Drácula, no seu trono, coçava a pintelhagem com gânfias de aço. Jonatã avançou, saiu da floresta e entrou numa Primak porque precisava de uns óculos de sol novos.

Jonatã avista ao longe um exército e enche-se de esperança porque, afinal, “ainda havia gente a viver naquele maldito lugar” e, epa, ó Zuzarte, pára de chamar a Roménia um lugar maldito, parece que estás em Santa Marta do Pinhal, caralho.

Jonatã, que se lembrou pela primeira vez em cerca de 150 páginas que tem uma visão super potente, afina a vista e repara que afinal é um exército de vampiros LOLOLOLOLOL

Cerca de dois mil vampiros corriam na direcção de [Jonatã]: uns montados a em cavalos esqueléticos, outros a pé. O rapaz agarrou no cabo da sua

pila

espada, e desembainhou-a, sendo seguido pelos companheiros.

-- POR ODIN!!! -- gritou; e todos correram na direcção dos vampiros.

E vocês pensam: espera lá, caralho, então mas este empecilho mais os seus cinco estafermos pura e simplesmente arredam assim em direcção a dois mil vampiros?

Mas amigos! Isto é o Jonatã e sua pila de aço! É claro que algo vai acontecer! Eu vou tentar fazer aqui um wild guess:

Jonatã parou no campo de batalha, os dois mil vampiros cavalgando e correndo pelo campo fora em sua direcção; atrás de si, confusos, os seus amigos pararam também e observaram-no com atenção.

Com um só movimento, a mão de Jonatã soltou o cinto de suas calças e estas caíram, e de suas gónadas irradiou uma potentíssima luz que cegou todas as duas mil criaturas do mal lançando-se na sua direcção. Com um rugido leonino de Jonatã, a sua pila aumentou, que nem chicote de prata, e a luz fortaleceu. Os vampiros tentaram lutar contra o raio de luz, mas de nada valia: o enorme pénis de Jonatã cresceu, até se tornar tão grosso e tão comprido quanto o mais alto cipreste.

Jonatã deu um empuxo forte de suas ancas; da boca de Iori, um fio de baba escorria, e Mace revirou os olhos. O enormíssimo pénis-chicote abanou no ar, e oscilando velozmente, caiu sobre uma quantidade de vampiros. Esmagados por seu montanhesco falo, os vampiros contorceram-se de dor, mas a luz divina do pénis de Jonatã enfraquecia-os, e em um décimo de segundo, ficaram reduzidos a cinzas.

...mas estava enganada, amigos:

Apenas tinham dado alguns passos quando um homem, que envergava um casaco comprido negro e com um chapéu de vaqueiro americano, se pôs à frente deles, obrigando-os a estacar. Às costas, o homem trazia um crucifixo gigante enrolado num pano e um lenço cinzento tapava-lhe a cara até aos maxilares, deixando-lhe apenas os olhos e a testa à mostra.

Hm…. pergunto-me quem será este misterioso herói...

... mas esperem, aquele crucifixo gigante é-me familiar.. vamos continuar a ler, para ver se me desperta qualquer coisa na memória...

-- Eu pensava que o grande [Jonatã] Strongheart fosse mais esperto -- comentou o homem, em tom de desprezo.

-- Quem és tu? Eu sozinho sou capaz de enfrentar um exército inteiro, há coisas que tu não sabes sobr…

-- Sozinho, sim, dizes bem, mas então e os teus companheiros? Eles ainda não conseguiram encontrar o que os motivaria para os transformar em semideuses.

LOLOLOLOLOL COME-ME O CU, ZUZARTE, PASPALHO DE MERDA. VAIS ME DIZER QUE ESTÁ TUDO NO TEU BONDOSO CORAÇÃO? “AI ACREDITA E ZEUS POSSUIR-TE-Á”. CHUPA-ME A PILA.

Tu, no entanto, já encontraste. Através da arte da guerra e do combate em campo de batalha consegues transformar-te em Vidar.

Tu, Zuzarte, através da arte do beija-cu recebido pelos teus papás e os teus tipo 3 amigos, conseguiste alcançar a arte de ter escrito o terrível, nay, o pior monte de merda a que nós, portugueses, nos atrevemos a chamar de livro, de uma forma tão idónea para o teu ego de menino mimado e puto que nunca conheceu o mundo fora da sua bolha que é como se levas e levas intermináveis de merda perfilassem perante nossos olhos.

Já dizia o Eça: não basta mudar as fraldas.

O estranho, que definitivamente ainda não percebemos quem é, nope, manda o Zuzarte chupar-lhe a pila, mas perde um bocadinho de tempo a lamber-lhe os tomates, e a quatro metros de distância de si, os vampiros recuam.

-- Com (sic) é que um só homem consegue enfrentar dois mil outros seres com apenas um crucifixo gigante? Sabes que os crucifixos não matam os vampiros? És doido! -- disse [Jonatã].

-- Quem disse que é um crucifixo? -- e o homem tirou o pano que cobria o crucifixo gigante e revelou a verdadeira identidade do seu escudo: uma metrelhadora pesada em forma de cruz.

A parte de cima servia de armazenamento de armas do século XXI [ESTAMOS NO XIX] e o centro era o gatilho. Aquela arma era capaz de disparar mais de cem balas num décimo de segundo, todas de prata. As balas percorriam cinco quilómetros em dois segundos e eram capazes de destruir uma cidade inteira.

Ah, pronto! Já me é mais familiar, Zuzarte!

Portanto, se o Hugh Jackman estivesse no Trigun! Ok, gotcha.

O homem vira o absoluto canhão de arma e dispara contra os bichos, e “num segundo e meio, a legião de vampiros ficou reduzida a cinzas.”

Se eu bebesse um shot por cada vez que o Zuzas escreve “ficou reduzido a cinzas”, estava em coma. Dedica-te à pesca, Zuzarte.

O estranho revela-se: “Tinha, pelo menos, uns trinta anos, cabelo preto e comprido, barba curta e aparada e olhos castanhos.”

Hmmmm....

O homem apresenta-se como Vítor Hugo Cardinalli e Jonatã fica embasbacado, tipo -- nem acredita que tem ali o grande Cardinalli em carne e osso à sua frente!

Népia, é o Van Helsing.

Jonatã faz uma vénia, porque se sente honrado, mas como esta pequeníssima demonstra de humildade encolheu a pila do Zuzarte por 5 centímetros, Van Helsing responde-lhe:

-- Não precisas de fazer vénias, eu não sou mais importante nem mais famoso do que tu.

Van Helsing era mundialmente conhecido, não só por ser o melhor caçador de vampiros, mas também por ser um perito em medicina -- era quase tão bom como Louis Pasteur

-- e tinha uma pontaria muito certeira. [Jonatã] sempre foi um grande admirador de Van Helsing, de tal modo que, quando ele era pequeno, dizia que quando crescesse queria ser como ele -- um sonho que ainda alimentava.

Tipo a tua escrita de merda.

A seguir, Jonatã apresenta os seus companheiros enquanto faz o maior esgalho genital que eu alguma vez assisti e, escutem, esta merda é tipo levar valentes piçadas na minha testa:

Iori Takamoto, que salvei das garras de um lobisomem; Kenchi Yojimbo, que derrotei num duelo, mas não quero falar disso; a minha prima, Mace Seterwind; Te’Chall, um feiticeiro africano que é capaz de se transformar em animal, e Brok Olafson, um bárbaro norueguês extremamente simpático.

Iori Takamoto, cujas valentíssimas mamas me deram uma tesão tão grande que fui capaz de derrotar o lobisomem que a tentava esganar só com o meu pénis; Kenchi Yojimbo, que eu humilhei em público para fingir que sou importante e que os meus pais querem saber de mim; a minha prima boa, capaz de apanhar moscas com a boca; um feiticeiro que me é inútil, mas coça muito bem a sua micose; e Brok, o meu namorado.

Da floresta, do nada, saem três pessoas: homem, rapaz e mulher:

O homem usava um florete e uma pistola. O cabelo era comprido e castanho e os olhos eram azuis, da cor do céu. Vestia uma roupa escura e um colete roxo. As botas eram de um roxo mais escuro e usava uma espécie de cachecol vermelho.

O rapaz tinha cabelo ruivo e trazia consigo uma mochila com um livro e canetas. Vestia uma roupa castanha e calçava umas botas de caminhar da mesma cor da roupa. A mulher tinha um rosto muito pálido e vestia-se de negro.

Homem: vestia roupas das quais vou discorrer por cinco parágrafos, mais cabelos lustrosos digno de herói de anime; rapaz, o mesmo tom mas um pouco reduzido, para não parecer pedófilo; a mulher: tinha uma vagina, suponho.

[Van Helsing diz] Permitam-me que apresente Harker, o melhor espadachim da Inglaterra, a sua mulher Mina Murray, que foi mordida pelo Drácula, e o meu aprendiz Abraham Stoker, a quem chamamos Bram

O BRAM STOKER, CARALHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Mina Harker aparentemente pode ser curada se o Drácula for morto, e esta é uma lógica que agora o Zuzarte tem de seguir até ao fim, querendo isto dizer que todos os que foram mordidos por Drácula, quando ele morrer (porque tem de morrer, ou a pila do Zuzarte galho de árvore podre), têm de ser curados também.

Jonatã pondera sobre aquilo não sei para quê e diz

-- Então, não há tempo a perder. Temos de destruí-lo o mais depressa possível… ou temo que não haja cura para a tua mulher, Harker.

E partem todos para o caralho que os foda.

______________________

Jonatã

Sistemas de overpowering:

- Super-visão. - SILVERBOLT, LOBISOMEM LENDÁRIO - DOMINA TODAS AS ARTES MARCIAIS - SUPER FORÇA - CAPACIDADE PA SALTA BUE DA LONGE - AUTO-CURATIVOS - É O AQUILES, CARALHO

Armas em sua posse:

- Trompa de guerra que faz tanta cena que deixei de perceber - Arco mágico - Armadura de Mithral COM BOTAS - Duas facas Texas Chainsaw Massacre Approved ™ - Flechas de Enyo que arrebentam com a estratosfera e provocam um desastre nuclear. - “Vingadora”, a espada do arcanjo Gabriel, nem mais nem menos… - baralho de cartas yu gi oh católico - pistolas de balas de prata que nunca acabam com super mira e que também é sniper…. - Boomerangues de Deus ™ - anel que pára o tempo, VIAJA no tempo e absorve magia, escuridão e projécteis elementares e quem tem BUÉ DA ROMANOS ???? - PEDRA DE APOLO QUE LHE DÁ UMA PUTA DUM EXÉRCITO E UMA PIÇA DE 80 CM - Livro de Charles Dickens

Kenchi

- Bué da shurikens - Katana Que Cheira o Diabo - Binóculos - Tigre que corre a 800km por segundo, à velocidade da luz ou do som - TELECINESE

Iori:

- Espada curta - escudo do Capitão América mas meio steampunk, suponho - Arco e flechas - Vampira DIURNA - espada chicote que se desmaterializa e.. epa caralho eu não percebi o que é que esta merda faz.

Mace:

- duas adagas - Besta de mão, o que quer que isso seja. - será que ela ficou com o chicote de anzóis?? - É CURANDEIRA E MÁGICA CARALHO

Brok

- Martelo de batalha - Machado - Braceletes que dão 5x mais força e uma pila de 45 centimetros

Te’Chall

- Capacidade de se entreter sozinho, já que não está literalmente a fazer nada aqui - O MAN PROJECTA UMAS FACAS DE UNS RAIOS E O CARALHO

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#ana le o filho de odin #FDO12 #eu chorei a rir com isto caralho

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