#ma'am u should know that i get up super early

[mvncesa]

my roommate after asking if I have work: damn u get up at this hour on your own? me who has already been up for several hours: standing man emoji

[wh6res]

127 SQUAD AND ROMANTIC BF TINGS

tw a lil bit of suggestive on jae's but nothing explicit

✰ — TAEIL would sing lullabies over the phone or video call. you and him would just be doing your own thing, not talking but enjoying being each other's presence. he'll probably pull out his guitar and start singing random songs until he eventually notices you fell asleep on him. will not end the call and when you wake up in the morning, his snores and his cute sleeping face is the first thing you see. "love? you still there? ... taeil?" then laugh out loud when you hear his snores instead. "okay yeah lets sleep more" the call will only end probably because his phone died. he kinda strikes me as a guy who's phone is always < 50% battery lmao

✰ — JOHNNY is your everything. literally. as long as he has the power of youtube, google, and instruction manuals on his side, he can fix anything and everything for you. we've all seen him do crafty things on jcc lmao so it'll probably apply to relationships as well. will 100% say you now owe him cuddles for fixing something for you. you kinda dont like the fact that he's doing all these things for you so you try doing them on your own without him knowing only to fail big time. "what did we learn today?" "never touch the pipes under the sink" "and?" "and always ask johnny for help" "nuh-uh thats not how i said it" you sigh exasperatedly "always let my smokin hot amazing handsome boyfriend johnny suh get the job done"

✰ — TAEYONG doesn't care whether you take the time shopping or not. in fact, he loves seeing you all excited and giddy for pampering yourself as you should. totally the type to hold the paper bags even if you complain and say you can manage on your own. is a complete angel and will wait patiently outside changing rooms and will give you genuine insight he has of the clothes you picked. "that looks nice. you should get that. the length is just right and the sleeves help accentuate your waist" "really yongie?" "yes love. i mean you look pretty in everything anyway" miss ma'am my heart just fucking melted ?¿?

✰ — YUTA doesn't look like it but will exert real effort into things. would be the type to have a note or a google doc about your favorite orders from restaurants because he just loves how your eyes light up appreciatively and you look so smitten by him. its like a cheat sheet. eventually he memorizes the list with how much time he spends with you and he wont even need it. the type to always bring you food before meeting you (if its just hanging out inside the house). "no way! i was just craving for these!" he smiles before kissing your forehead, volunteering to put the food out its container for you. "i figured. you'd been working since this afternoon. lets eat first then you can tell me about what you've been working on so i can help you, okay?"

✰ — DOYOUNG loves cooking for you. i highkey feel like its his love language? like cooking for you and seeing your eyes light up as it darts back to him after you take your first bite from whatever he cooked just gives him so much happiness. its disgustingly sappy and he doesn't like talking about it. now he understood fully what it meant to see your loved ones eating and being full yourself or some shit. idk how the actual quote goes okay dont come 4 me but u probably get it. anyway the type to always pack you lunch and will get hella mad if you skip meals. "what do you mean you havent eaten yet?" "yeah but i will after i--" "you mean you're going to eat Now?" "what? no maybe later--" "thats it im coming over"

✰ — JAEHYUN would be the type to make you playlists. its really random sometimes he'll send them to you in the early morning for the heck of it bc he cant sleep. most of the time its him being horny lmao the frat boy in him awakening and sending you a playlist called imma blow your back out or something extremely cringey and thirsty pls dont block his sorry ass maybe he'd spell out the words using song titles too! idk jae just rlly strikes me as a guy who's love language is music. "hey babe did you check the playlist i sent you?" "wtf its 4am???" "oh so you havent listened to it yet?" "fuck off" but at the end of the day he'll come over and will use the playlist to,,, you know,,, do the sexy thing ;)

✰ — JUNGWOO always makes sure you walk on the inside of the road. you know when you're walking in the street and he softly nudges your waist? yes. will probably even scold you playfully because with how long its been since you both are together, "babe you always walk on the inside of the road how many times do i have to tell you?" is also the type to remind you to wear your seatbelt immediately after hopping onto his car. would ask you Again while in the middle of the car ride because he forgot that he already asked you earlier. please don't mind him he's just looking out for you bb. "seatbelt?" "yes, babe. already done" "are you sure? i dont think i heard it click--" "babe eyes on the road please" "oh right sorry"

✰ — MARK sends you tiktoks, vines, or memes. this is his love language fite me im calling it. he just wants to see you laugh too okay? thats why he does it. i mean it made him laugh, so maybe it will you laugh too. also because he hopes to make inside jokes with u cuz he believes thats how people really get close and stuff. would definitely love it if you do the same thing with him. you'd be chilling in the sofa while khalid plays on the bluetooth speaker and he'll suddenly go "babe babe babe check this out!" then you both proceed to laugh at a vine for the next thirty minutes <3 #living.the.yn.life

✰ — HAECHAN will do your skincare for you when you're drunk or super tired that you just passed out cold on the bed. would probably come into the room to see you snoring and tutting bc now he has to do it for you again but meh deep down he loves it because he enjoys admiring your sleeping face. its sorta like a healing thing for him? yeah it just washes away all the stress he's feeling and bb is just excited about the idea that this becomes "your thing" with him if u get what im saying? altho the next day he'll probably use it as a leverage to get out of chores :) "no way im not folding our clothes" "and why is that?" "i took your make up off yesterday u know how hard that is? im still tired" "but its literally the next day--" "awww thank you for doing my chores, baby! u the best!" ._.

[sailorswelcome]

mango, passion fruit, strawberry, grape, cantaloupe (wrong answers only), tagelo (tf kind of fruit is that?? hhuh????), blueberry, papaya, cranberry, star fruit :)

these are so good thanks rat witch

mango: what is your trademark?

i think my truck is?? for our family group its like. usually i drive u all around so it has importance to who i am. for other people they like to give me shit for driving a pick up truck. so i think dump is my trademark.. what would i do without her. 

passion fruit: how would you describe your style?

i dress like a guy who used to surf but then threw his back out working in a lumber yard and became gay. 

grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

 antarctica on a big ship that's the fucking dream

cantaloupe: what are your parents’ names?

HAAAghhshs i should have asked u this one too smh. uhhh. i think my dear mother would be an Audrey bc she loves that name. my accursed father would be....  albert. 

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be?

bitch u don't know what a tangelo is?? u can get a tangelo tree at country gardens go get one. anyway i wanna be a selkie bc i need to be in dat deep daaak wahtah dat bad wahtah glass shahk gone get me. but also bc i love seals, i love being in the ocean, i am of Scottish decent so it fits, and it would just be nice to be one i think.

blueberry: what do you want to dress up as for halloween?

i keep the motherfucking sailor costume AND cowboy costume on me at ALL TIMES. but if i could like put together a good Halloween costume... years ago siri and i were gonna go together with me as fox mulder and her as dana scully and i still wanna do that tbh

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

holiday by vamp weekend. “i got wheels i got cutter spray and a healthy sense of worth. half of me is the gasoline but the other half’s the surf.”

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night?

i think i like dusk the best it never fails to amaze me but early mornings are also super beautiful.. and a sunny afternoon or a clear night.. dam its all so so good

star fruit: favorite sea creature?

i love sperm whales,,,, and Greenland sharks,,, OO and ok there’s this one extremely small deep sea animal that i was obsessed with as a kid and i cant remember the name and i keep trying to find it but i cant if i do ill update u. 

thanks miss ma'am i cant wait to see u soon

[kyunsies]

Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i’m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ 

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!! 

[journalofimprobablethings]

Relationships: Lucretia & Lup, Lucretia & Taako, Lucretia & Barry, Lucretia & Everyone

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Spoilers for Stolen Century, Spoilers for Story & Song, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Starblaster Crew as Family

Summary:

When Lucretia finds Lup's name burned into the wall of the Bureau of Balance, it doesn't take her long to connect the dots. And once she knows where Lup is, she can't just leave her there. She has to find a way to get her out.

AU where Lucretia frees Lup early, and they team up to try to fix their mistakes, reunite their family, and save the world in the process.

Preview (full chapter under the cut):

Lucretia is used to coming across unexpected sights in the Bureau of Balance headquarters.

She is not certain whether the nature of the work attracts people with their own unique ways of doing things, or whether living on a moonbase lowers one’s inhibitions, but between Carey and Killian’s antics, the increasingly complex contraptions that Avi builds in the cannon bay, and the roulette wheel that is any trip to the Fantasy Costco, she thinks that there is nothing left that could possibly surprise her.

But nothing could have prepared her for entering the dining hall to see Lup’s name burned into the wall.

She stops dead in the doorway when she sees it. The letters are six feet high, charcoal black; the edges of the "P" are still smoldering. For a moment she is completely empty. She can't form a single thought, she can't breathe, she's fairly certain her heart stops beating.

And when her brain restarts, all she can think is, no one here knows Lup's name.

Lup has been erased, as thoroughly as Brian or Bain or any of the other fallen Bureau employees--more so, because she’s been erased by Fisher’s child, too. No one here should know Lup's name.

So how can it be here?

“Director?”

Lucretia starts. She hadn’t realized that she wasn’t alone. Now she looks, and realizes that Angus is kneeling behind one of the tables near the back of the hall. He looks like he was probably examining the bottom of the “L” scorched into the wall, but now he is examining her.

“Ma’am, are--are you okay?”

Lucretia doesn’t know how to even begin answering that question. She knows that she should move, should look at Angus, should be calm and professional and tell Angus that yes, of course she is all right.

It would be a lie, of course. But how is that different from anything else she says these days?

Instead what comes out of her mouth is halting and not at all Director-like.

“Who--how--Angus, who wrote that?”

Angus’s face lights up the way it always does when there is a mystery to solve.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to ascertain, ma’am! There’s something wrong with Taako’s umbrastaff. We were doing a magic lesson, and it suddenly went rogue and incinerated my macarons! They were pretty bad, but I don’t think Taako would have burnt them up on purpose. Then the staff blasted this word into the wall.”

“The--the staff did?”

“Yes, ma’am! Taako didn’t know what L-U-P was anymore than I did. He said the staff moved all by itself.”

Lucretia has to close her eyes for a moment. Taako not remembering Lup was her choice, her attempt to spare him a sorrow he would have no way of repairing. But the reality of it, when she is confronted with it, still hits her like a freight train.

She forces her thoughts away from her guilt and back to the situation at hand.

The staff blasted Lup’s name into the wall.

Lup’s staff, her arcane focus, that she took with her when she left. That Taako took from the remains of her body. That had been next to her, presumably, when she died--

Oh. Oh, gods.

Lucretia remembers Lup talking about the abilities of the umbrastaff, how it consumed the power of defeated magic users.

When Lup died, she would have emerged as a lich, a being of pure magic, and if the staff was next to her when she did--

Oh, gods. Oh gods oh gods.

Lucretia has to fight to keep her face neutral, her breathing steady, as the realization washes over her.

It would explain why Lup hadn’t returned, why they had never found her, how she had managed to vanish without a trace. Why even when they finally came across her bones, her soul was nowhere to be found.

When Magnus and Merle and Taako had told her about the skeleton they had found in Wave Echo Cave, Lucretia had resigned herself to the possibility that Lup might just be gone--that the grief of what they had done to this world had been too much, and she had lost herself. She had cried in her room that night, for Lup’s loss, and for Taako, that he had found all that was left of his sister and hadn’t even known.

And all that time, Lup had been right there.

"Ma'am?"

Lucretia blinks. She doesn’t know how long she’s been lost in thought, and she realizes that Angus is still watching her. She wonders how much of what just went through her head played across her face. Her heart is pounding so hard in her chest she wouldn't be surprised if Angus could hear it.

“Angus, where is Taako now?”

“He went back to his room, I think.” Angus is looking at her with far too sharp an expression. “Ma’am, do you know what L-U-P is?”

“No--that is--I don’t--we can talk about it later, Angus, right now I need to--excuse me.”

She turns and rushes out before Angus can ask any more questions, cursing herself as she goes. She couldn’t have done more to raise Angus’s suspicions if she’d been wearing a sign that said “I have secrets.”

Well, it can’t be helped. She’ll have to find a way later to put Angus off, give him a false trail to follow.

Right now, she needs to find Taako, and figure out some way to get the umbrastaff from him. And then…? Her steps slow as she tries to work through the problem.

She can’t let Lup out in the headquarters. Being in the umbrella seems to have protected her from the lich wards so far, but once she’s free they’ll activitate at once. Lucretia isn’t sure what state Lup is in, but the last thing she wants to do is damage her more.

She’ll have to take the staff down to the surface, then. And then--what? Break it? Would breaking it set Lup free, or would it hurt her? Is there a way to somehow extract the magic that the umbrella has absorbed?

The corridor is empty, so there is no one to see Lucretia drop her head in her hands in despair.

This was never the sort of problem she was good at solving. Barry and Lup were always the ones who could think through a problem and see all the potential consequences of one solution or another.

She wishes Barry were here. A stupid wish, she knows, given that she’s the one who cast the wards that are keeping him out.

But still.

She tries to think of what he would say, how he would approach the problem.

One problem at a time, Luce, says Barry's voice in her mind. You can't fix everything at once.

Lucretia takes a deep breath, draws herself up, and squares her shoulders. One problem at a time.

First, she’ll get the staff.

And then, she’ll find a way to set Lup free.

She makes it all the way to the door of the Reclaimers quarters before she stops again. She hasn't been down here since Candlenights; apart from the spa trip with Merle, she hasn't seen any of them much in recent weeks. The distance between them keeps collapsing--they know her name, now, and they keep finding ways to get under her defenses. The best thing she can do is stay away, even if it hurts.

Lucretia reaches out to knock, then hesitates. What will she say, if Merle opens the door, or Magnus? She would like to avoid involving them in this if at all possible. Would asking to speak privately with Taako put them off, or just raise their suspicions? Do they even know what happened? Taako is tight-lipped enough that he might not talk about it with them, but keep it a problem to solve on his own.

Her mind is swirling with questions and indecision, so much so that she doesn’t notice someone come up behind her.

'Hey, Madam D. What brings you down here amongst the peons?"

Lucretia startles a little and drops her hand. She turns and there is Taako behind her, casually holding the umbrastaff across his shoulders. She tries hard not to stare at it as she greets him.

"Oh, Taako. I was looking for you."

Taako smiles, and a now-familiar stab of pain goes through her heart. His smile is so much sharper now.

"Boss coming down to find me in my room after hours? Either you're about to suggest something wildly inappropriate, or you're here to fire me."

It's all Lucretia can do to not burst out in wild laughter. Her nerves are all raw edges right now; the adrenaline of her revelation spiking again as she looks at the umbrastaff in Taako's hand, and the idea of her coming down here to propose some sort of tryst almost sends her over the edge.

"Neither, I promise," she says, forcing a smile. "Angus told me what happened with your staff. I just wanted to check on you."

"That's sweet of you," Taako says. "I'm peachy. Feel kind of bad about Ango's cookies, but." He shrugs. "All good in Taako-land."

"And the umbrastaff? Has it...does it seem...normal?"

"Yeah." He holds it up for her to see. "Just an umbrella. I mean, a super magic one, but, you know. No more stray fireballs."

"May I see it?" She holds her hand out, trying to be calm, trying to not seem too eager, but her hand is shaking and her heart is in her throat.

"Sure," he says. He hands it over, and as she takes it she thinks her heart might burst out of her chest. Lup is here, right here, nothing separating them but a few layers of cloth and metal and some powerful magic.

Hey, Lup, she thinks. Just hold on. I'm going to get you out of there.

She runs her hand along one of the spokes, trying to get a feel for what magic might be holding Lup captive. But it's too complex to parse just from feeling.

"Has it ever done anything like this before?" she asks. How active has Lup been, since Taako found her?

"Has my umbrella ever taken on a mind of its own before and written a word I don't know into the wall? No, can't say it has. Does it matter?"

"Well, if it's a repeated instance, it could indicate that something's gone wrong with the construction--" she's talking like Barry, she realizes, analytical and technical, and she stops at the look on Taako's face.

"I just want to make sure it's safe," she says. "I don't suppose you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, I dunno. I thought I just cast the wrong spell when it toasted Ango's macarons, but then it moved on its own; nearly tore itself out of my hand. Think it's possessed?"

He grins at her, inviting her to join the joke, and it's all she can do to keep her composure.

"I doubt it," she says, as drily as she can. "But I've never heard of an umbrastaff acting autonomously before. Would you mind if I take it for a bit to run some tests? If there is something wrong with it, there may be a way to fix it."

Taako's demeanor changes instantly. He crosses his arms, and something about his expression hardens, all the humor that was there a moment ago suddenly gone.

"Do I mind you taking my very powerful arcane weapon off to run mysterious tests? Uh, yeah, I mind." He's studying her now, too closely. "What's this all about?"

Trust Taako to pick up that there's something else going on. He's always been sharp, and this new version of him is twice as suspicious of everyone's motives, especially hers.

"I'm only concerned for your safety, Taako; if something were to go wrong again--"

"Well, don't be," Taako says. Lucretia can't help but be hurt at the curtness in his tone. "If something happens again, I'll handle it on my own. It's how I work best."

He holds his hand out to her.

"I'll take my umbrella back, now."

Lucretia looks down at the umbrastaff. She imagines what would happen if she just bolted right now, umbrella in hand. The thought of the look on Taako's face if she did brings a laugh bubbling up in her chest. It's something the old version of her might have done, back on the Starblaster; she can hear Lup laughing and egging her on as Taako shouts indignantly after her.

But none of those people exist anymore, and she can't risk everything she's built on a stunt like that.

She'll have to find another way.

She hands the umbrella back to Taako, reluctantly.

"Please think about it," she says. "And let me know if you change your mind. If that staff is unstable it could be dangerous, and I don't want you to get hurt."

Taako twirls the umbrella nonchalantly before resting it on his shoulder. "Don't worry about me. I know how to take care of myself."

He winks at her, his mask of nonchalance and charm firmly back in place. Then he pushes past her and disappears into the Reclaimer suite, closing the door with a firm click behind him. Lucretia is left standing alone in the hallway, contemplating her failure.

That didn’t go quite as planned.

She looks down at her hands, remembering the weight of the umbrastaff in them, the knowledge that Lup was so, so close.

Well. If Taako won't give the umbrastaff to her willingly, she's just going to have to steal it.

[newhologram]

Each hour that passes every night makes me cry and cry and cry until I'm so dehydrated I feel nauseous. The insomnia flaring is making me rage angry again and just very strained. I don't know what to do. You guys know how proactive I am. I do everything I possibly can to wind down for sleep but my brain can't do it. I don't have the money to freely medicate with the edibles multiple times a day in order to get pain relief and be able to sleep almost like a normal person at night. 3 years ago I used to be able to wait until 9pm to medicate and then I would be zonked a few hours later. That was before the pain got this intense and made everything even worse. Now I have to medicate as early as 10am because the pain is so bad. And the pain brings bad depression usually. It's just a shit snowball I have to deal with daily. Which means my afternoons are usually when I try to catch up by napping (unless the sleep paralysis is also flaring, then it's convulsing waking dream time). Then by the time it's actual bedtime it has worn off and I can't sleep even if I'm so exhausted and pained that I can't get up to pee. Remind me why doctors have been like "lol idunno what u want me to do?" at me for years. I mean wouldn't a lot of these things be suspicious when looked at together? Wouldn't you try to find the source and look into reducing symptoms overall instead of only doing the bare minimum to get me out of your office and take my copay from what little money I have from not being able to work much? I mean, come on. Swollen spine bump, fullbody pain but especially intense down spine and specific nerves, severe insomnia (actual diagnosis from my sleep study where I barely slept at all), immune to Ambien, memory loss, intense mood swings, intensified depression, anxiety, vomiting, sensitivity to any stimulation, paralysis, excessive fatigue, HALLUCINATIONS! HELLO? NURSE? NO MA'AM. Going through all that with such little help from doctors nearly killed me because it made me want to die--what kind of life was I living, being in so much pain and constantly fighting with family because I couldn't Positive Attitude the illness away and me doing my best to make it through each shift even in fucking agony and suffering for it afterward bigtime? What kind of life do I continue to live, in so much pain, trying my best to be bright when inside me is nothing but darkness? I don't know. I just have to take it one minute at a time, to be honest. While wondering if my dreams are even attainable anymore. I just wanna freaking sleep without seeing monsters and hearing UFOs and gasping awake and confused and needing to constantly switch between pills I hate taking and alternative medicines that are awesome and safe but hella $$$$. Not disabled enough to be excused from working, not disabled enough to not be harassed by family for not making enough money even when I was forcing my poor body to work at least 5 days a week, not disabled enough for anyone to actually give a single shit. Oh, you're sick? Uh. Uhhhhhh. Buhhhhhhhh. Literally? The thing is, those spoonie suicide obituaries, people have the nerve to say that no one could see our suffering. Horseshit. You saw what you wanted to see. What you wanted to believe because you're too chicken when you're not even the one who is sick and terrified. But the world never learns its lesson and never learns to listen when we say "please help me." Only, "how sad, I had no idea they were in so much pain." abloo bloo bloo, fuck you, man! You had no idea? Really? You had no fucking idea? Hmm, your loved one can barely bounce back after A SIMPLE CHORE? And they THROW UP after long work days? And they're ALWAYS CRYING and you yell at them for it?? Wtf I'll never shut up about being in pain and I'll never stop making it visible no matter who thinks I should be more private about my illnesses. I don't care. I don't care at all who knows. It's not some secret. I'm sick. I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick. This is every day for me so I don't care. Everything I do and all that I share is for the benefit of others like me. I'll wave it like a flag until my arms fall off. I'll keep being super open and vocal about my negative experiences with doctors and about the very real risk of spoonie suicide. Stigmas stick when you're too chicken to face the real shit in life that can absolutely be prevented by--you guessed it--talking about it. Just growing a steel pussy--yeah, not balls, p-u-s-s-y, fight me, and talking about suicide and illness and all that icky stuff you weak sauce nuggets can't handle. No shame sauce in my tray, no thank you. So I'll be here to talk for as long as I last on this doomed dustball even if it means I burn out by age 30. Someone PLEASE promise to make sure my skeleton gets an instagram (after the pathologists have studied my body to learn more about these illnesses and their very real effects). Time to keep rolling around in bed grinding my teeth and vaping my eyeballs out in desperation. Spoonies, you're tougher than the world and don't you ever forget it.