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karamfilmare · 2 years ago

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Me venting and ranting, don't mind me (tw for...idk, parental issues, suicidal/self-harm thoughts)

I swear, if I ever decide to cut off my parents and they ever ask why or beg me to know, I'm gonna laugh at them for being so fucking blind and stupid.

I'm so sick of being yelled at or told off because THEY can't figure out how to act. My mom acts like we're supposed to read her mind and be next to her. She tells us she'll stop calling us to dinner or whatever because God forbid we aren't spending our moments next to her to know every moment of what happens in the house. If she thinks I want to be next to her after everything, she's so fucking wrong.

And my stepdad? I'm sick of him defending her or whatever. Or yelling at me to shut up because I happen to call out their BS.

I barely leave my room because if I go out in the house, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells—there will be SOMETHING that will make them pick on me or get mad at me or yell at me for something.

My mom acts like we're supposed to just know every thing and we're supposed to read her mind or just know what to do at every moment. And she gets upset if we pretty much don't do whatever. And she wonders why we just hole ourselves in our rooms.

I can't wait to fucking leave this place, I wanna leave it all behind. Once I figure out my shit with my dad's stuff, I'm leaving. I'm done.

I've lived my entire life thinking the treatment I got was normal, that I was lucky for just having a roof over my head and food to eat because my parents provided it, and that my mom yelled or snapped at me because she "cares about me" and that other parents don't care about their children like she does. I'm so sick of being told I'm supposed to be grateful just because my stepdad fucking works and pays for things. If I wanted an older man to pay for things for me, I'd fucking get a sugar daddy. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a burden and feeling guilty for existing. I'm sick and tired of working on therapy and trying to figure out myself and stuff, when my parents won't figure out the shit that's wrong with them at home and they don't believe in my therapy and stuff.

If they knew how my mind was before therapy, where I had occasionally thought about dying just to fucking show them, or thinking they won't care at all. I'm not doing anything, I promise. I'm just so angry and sick of everything and I'm so sick of feeling guilty for being angry.

When they get a taste of their own medicine by me being snarky right back, *I* am the one with the attitude and am a selfish human being. *I* am the one is ungrateful and doesn't deserve what I have.

#~) m.rants (~#~) m.vents (~#intrusive thoughts tw #familial issues tw #tw suicidality #will probably delete later #I'm fine really

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