#lowkey dreading having to actually work out now that im on e

[flurgerbla]

Oh me? Im just showing off the pants ive been working on :3

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Do you think they would actually enjoy the modern world? Or would they want to stay in their current time period?

Hm, well, I think that may vary depending on each suitor if I’m honest! (I’ll be excluding Sebastian from this one, only because he is a modern man and I wager he would want to stay in the mansion in order to finish his thesis) 

Under a cut bc it’s a long boi:

I think for people like Arthur and Theo, for instance--who always seem to live in the fast lane--it might not really prove much of a problem. They would continue enjoying the night life and move with their busy schedules. Tl;dr: (For them? Same shit, different day)

Vincent would likely be doing just fine given how Theo often provides assistance in places where he struggles; to promote his art, to spark intrigue in the general public and benefactors. He might be a little overwhelmed by the influx of stimuli that comes with the modern era, constant noise and interaction and movement--perhaps worry that people are losing their ability to live in the moment. (Not to mention what’s being done to the environment...) There might be a learning curve/adjustment, but I think Theo would help him ease in. Plus, it would be a little easier to promote his art given the less stringent restrictions on public exhibitions. He’d still have to work for his fame, but at least the van Goghs wouldn’t have to live in constant unease in the proximity of the cutthroat academy.  Tl;dr: (Mixed feelings, but tries to stay positive about modern times)

Dazai is more familiar with this kind of life of quick turmoil and breakneck speed, if anything he falls back into his old coping mechanisms--hello writing, drinking, and smoking. An overwhelming influx of information and suffering would probably be hard for him to manage, despite how expertly he hides it. I think I would be worried he would lose himself in the dismal reality of diminished connection with other people. Yes I’m shoving him into therapy, I want him to start living for himself and taking care of himself ffs

That isn’t to say there aren’t happy possibilities for him, just that I think he really needs to heal first. I could see him very happy in a kind of writer’s circle with people he loves and trusts; less expending his energy in a desperate attempt to fill the void and please others, more cultivating his own happiness... Tl;dr: (Positive potential, but honestly part of me thinks the past quieter/simple/rural life suits him better...he still loves meme culture tho, he finds it so expansive and creative)

Isaac is in a similar boat as Dazai, I think! He has wonderful potential as a mentor and professor, and living in a world that has a little more patience and respect for genius might help encourage him to put himself out there. That being said, I think the pace of life would exhaust him though--he is very much the kind of person that prefers to keep to himself and just puzzle and tinker. Baby boy just wants to do equations, build little inventions, and read up on the recent discoveries in astrophysics (BRUH WHEN THE IMAGE OF THE BLACK HOLE CAME OUT HE FORGOT HOW TO B R E A T H E) Napoleon is the only reason he eats anything healthy or on any kind of regular schedule s m h. Tl;dr: (Not a lot changes, honestly? He was reclusive then, he still is now--he just has more toys/academic resources. If anything he might get a little too lost in his work because of it, somebody please make sure he’s eating/sleeping/socializing;;;)

Poor Jeanne is SUFFERING. Please release him from this nightmare he is begging. Jk jk, I don’t think it would be too bad for him--but I do think that he would have the aforementioned problem of too many stimuli and too much interaction. I think he would ease into it a little with Mozart’s help; he would just be awkward and wooden until he got the hang of it. Most people just find him quirky in an amusing way, and don’t think too hard about it. I’d wager he’d probably become literate at this point because of the abundance of resources and necessity to read/write (okay but imagine this baby with a little kid workbook iM GONNA CRY!!! TAKE ALL MY CRAYONS JEANNE). 

Can you imagine this mofo at a Starbucks??? Tall and stoic, dark and debonair (EVERYONE IS S W O O N I N G), and he just asks in a light tenor “can I have a mocha with eight shots of expresso” with a completely straight face. “Sir, that could kill you��� “Don’t worry, I’ve been dead a long time” And he just moves to wait for his order. 11/10 cryptid I could watch an entire show just about his daily adventures

He works with Napoleon a lot given their similar skillsets. They coach kids at high schools that have fencing teams (it’s really REALLY cute bc if they’re on the younger side, Jeanne will very dramatically lose bc he wants to encourage them and the kids are delighted--but the parents are INCHES from laughing so hard they’re in tears). Otherwise, he mostly takes up gigs as a security worker/bodyguard, only really works for the money. He prefers to spend his time in ways that feel meaningful if he can, so don’t be surprised if you see him in foster homes and in social working spaces. He has an uncanny understanding about him, a kind of silence/patience that doesn’t stifle; it makes the kids/teens calm down in milliseconds. They really listen when he does talk, and he sets good and clear boundaries--he knows how to be firm when it’s required. He gives them the structure and placid grounding they’ve never had, and really pays attention to what’s important to them. Brings them little things he notices; brings flowers to the one that likes to draw, brings CDs (he is bad with technology, but they usually only have access to older/outdated stuff anyway) to the one the one that struggles to write with white noise in the house, brings little plushies to the ones that lose theirs. He’s simple but solid, and he finds a lot of meaning in helping kids overcome the similar kind of struggles he faced.  Tl;dr: (Steep learning curve, but he just sees it as all the same really--just more work to be done with the literacy requirement and adjustment to technology. Will be resistant at first, but when he gets accustomed and starts finding people who are important to him, he wouldn’t want to change anything/go back. But will admit there are some days he just wants to go to the most remote place he can access and just live there for a month with no human interaction whatsoever; people are inefficient and insufferable sometimes)

Mozart’s life honestly doesn’t change much? I feel like he would easily be able to keep composing and continue releasing his work as per usual. Given his quick capacity to schmooze and say what people want to hear when he must, he’d be more than able to network his way into success. I think the only thing he might struggle with now and again is inspiration, given the world operates on a very surface level in the modern era sometimes. Profound insight and depth are not quite as cultivated in many ways, and he can struggle to find something that just sparks motivation/novelty in his mind, makes him start composing at breakneck speed. He reads a lot and watches some TV shows/movies when he’s at really low inspiration levels, the kind of guy that sneers at Game of Thrones--but finds things like BBC’s Sherlock more passable (wants intrigue and complexity, doesn’t much enjoy the sensationalized drivel). When Arthur finds out he loves ATLA he about falls off his seat. “It’s a children’s show.” “Yes it is, with a remarkable level of depth and craftsmanship, what are you trying to say?” He begins to find a kind of rhythm in his composing, and Jeanne and Dazai often drop by with so many crazy stories he finds himself filled with music anyway LMAO Tl;dr: (Same as Isaac, really just keeps doing his thing without being impeded, and he enjoys the luxuries/conveniences of the modern era. Will be slightly resistant at first because of how alien some of the changes are, but will fall into the habits/customs slowly and surely. Fine with it, will whine a bit at the growing pains tho)

Leonardo actually canonically owns a bar, and does that really surprise anyone? He really enjoys the excitement of meeting new people and hearing about their myriad histories, the influx of cultures/languages/experiences. It’s a nice but lowkey place, people stop for a drink, listen to some good music--chat amiably and relax after a long day’s work--before heading out. There are regulars and people that just stop for that single day; tourists, vacationers, so on and so forth.

When asked, many people note a sleek black cat with sharp eyes that led them to the bar... Tl;dr: (Don’t Let the Existential Dread Set-in: The Prequel, adapts well to the modern era because of centuries of experience but also...he’s so tired...somebody please hold him I can’t watch him live like this, lord jesus)

Optimally, I see Comte filling his time with myriad pursuits; ranging from philanthropy, indulging in art/music/theatre (often a benefactor as well), and keeping track of his chirren (they may exist more independently now, but he still worries about them ;-;). Otherwise nothing much changes for him, still goes to galas and fancy gatherings, still enjoys fashion and spoiling people, still seeks to occupy himself with social interaction and care-taking--if he doesn’t have a family of his own. He’s basically just that meme that’s like DON’T LET THE EXISTENTIAL DREAD SET-IN. DON’T LET IT SET-IN!!!!!!!!! Tl;dr: (Not to repeat myself but also Don’t Let the Existential Dread Set-in: The Sequel, literally just desperately trying to fill the void please somebody help him he also just needs to be held fuck’s sake, I’m going to drag him kicking and screaming into happiness--but otherwise has no great trouble adjusting to the modern era. I feel like he would have a more minor form of what Dazai struggles with, maybe a lack of personable connection that he once had; fewer chances to be himself and relax. Also probably worried about the increasing unhappiness and turmoil building in the world in general...)

Napoleon is similar to Comte in that he often checks up on Isaac and Jeanne from time to time, and does the aforementioned fencing lessons with kids. He also takes a lot of basic security positions--for venues, concerts, museums--you name it. He dislikes the idea of sitting behind a desk a lot, so he prefers to do a lot of different things; he even cooks from time to time at the restaurants  that know him very well. One gig he particularly enjoys is battle choreography for movies/theatre! He tends to stay away from anything too historically close to his era of origin, but he has fun coming up with realistic (smaller scale) hand-to-hand combat scenarios and duels. Tl;dr: (This era doesn’t feel like too much of a change. It’s a little more intensive in terms of pace, but he manages to keep up pretty well, it just exhausts him from time to time--and he usually goes on trips or hikes to unwind when he needs to like Jeanne LOL they do not go to their happy place, they go to their high lonesome place).

Shakespeare also continues to do his drama thing, organizes troupes on tons of different levels--from community level to more intense, skilled groups that re-enact his own work. His life doesn’t change all that much beyond a new form of theatre logistics, and he adjusts to the technology fairly easily out of necessity. He’ll stop by Vincent’s place from time to time to show him recordings of his latest shows, but otherwise is almost always on the move. Tl;dr: (So long as he can keep following his greatest passion, he doesn’t really mind the changes in how theatre happens--he doesn’t have any sizable issues with the modern era.)

Ability with technology (phones mostly):

Arthur: more than capable, well-versed, loves to do everything on his phone no prob--maybe lives a little too much on his phone (Vine/TikTok/Youtube can kill his productivity RIP) also yes he has a fidget spinner on his desk, no I will not be taking any constructive criticism at this time

Theo: yes but with a lot of cursing at first, had to do it for work and now looks down on anyone that can’t keep up with him (except for Vincent)

Vincent: knows the basics, taking and sending pictures, writing things in notes for later, texting (tho sending emails is a little harder for him); he does his best but he can be slow. Really really enjoys the paint programs on his iPad for when he’s on public transit, but he starts setting alarms after he gets the hang of it (he’s missed his stops before because of it LMAO)

Leonardo: what kind of stupid question? Man knows how to pick them apart and put ‘em back together for crying out loud, uses it like a pro--comes to him naturally, and he’s the guy that keeps coming up with ways to jailbreak Apple products and thwart their money-grubbing tactics. Catch him playing Minish Cap on his emulator on the way to work, brah

Comte: just vibing, keeps up with the times easily since he’s been doing it for so long, much like Theo uses it to keep in touch with the people around him--he’s the “prefers to call instead of text” sorta guy though, he worries about losing emotional subtleties and he likes to hear people’s voices. Doesn’t do anything special on phones, more just a tool; will read/listen to podcasts/does have emulators (courtesy of Leo) and enjoys playing Pokemon when he’s bored

Jeanne: types one finger at a time, it will take a while--but he’ll get there (deleted all his contacts by accident once and Mozart was just. HOW.) He barely knows how to use a phone, and it’s a steep learning curve for him

Mozart: purely functional when it comes to his phone, refuses to rely on it beyond the necessities that only tech can do (for instance, sending emails or reading articles or uploading compositions) he still writes his music before making more polished digital copies. He will sometimes listen to pieces digitally, but prefers to play them in-person; he feels that a lot of the soul in a piece is lost despite the convenience

Dazai: you absolute fools. you baboons. why would you ever give him this kind of power. it is 3AM and he has been on a wikipedia trail spanning hours, started with Cleopatra being the seventh in her line with that name all the way to cotton candy being called “daddy’s beard” in French. please help him he hasn’t slept in years. Also probably binges anime and manga lbr. He’s the one making vine references every other second, always up to date on the memes^TM

Isaac: also mostly uses it as a tool for research and calculations; it’s a way to keep track of information. He also likes to play background music while he’s working, so he finds the device nice and convenient--plus less having to go around pestering people in-person. he does start to get interested in coding and tinkering with apps/programs eventually, too

Shakespeare: finds it a delightful little contraption, so useful because it lets him jot down ideas as they come to him quickly, and he can edit his texts much more easily with digital interfaces. also likes that performances can be recorded, because now he can analyze his staging more efficiently--it gives him a good sense of what needs to be adjusted, and encourages him to keep streamlining/try new concepts

Napoleon: likes it because he can keep in touch with people more easily, the kind of guy to drop a line before checking on a friend. he really likes to look up recipes and find out more about cooking techniques he’s never encountered before. Isaac starts making an Instagram account just to show Napoleon’s impeccable plating, and Napo gets quite the following without knowing for a while

[dolphin-enthusiast]

why hello again amore!! 💌🌺✨ today was so so long and exhausting, i'm very grateful that i can finally unwind with you and rest!! hopefully your day was calmer and more relaxing hehe 💞 also, it's okay to take breaks from completing requests deary!! everyone needs a day to take it easy once in a while 💖 (1/8)

"before i tell about how my brother's university move-in day went,, i truly must say that i adore that mafia submission!! those picrews were so pretty (especially your's 😘) and i couldn't stop rereading those headcannons!! oh my stars, they were so cute!!! i couldn't stop smiling, quinn also saw them apparently and wouldn't stop texting me about how she wishes they were real ahaha 😖 thank you so much for all of that hard work you put in op, i really enjoyed it!! you all are so creative 🌸 (2/8)

if i'm being completely honest, i'm a sucker for mafia related stuff/au/ect,, ive always been fascinated with its history and such, mostly because many of my distant ancestors were members of the sicilian mafia (la cosa nostra) that's actually one of the reasons why lots of my family immigrated here, to escape from the mafia itself,, (3/8)

it's interesting to hear the stories passed down through my family of how they lived, died, we're arrested, all that jazz. i would never join the mafia myself (its way too far out of my moral compass!) but i enjoy learning more about my familial history! 🌹though,, if you join the mafia its a different story, of course i'd go with you~ 💗 (4/8)

now then, aside from that,, today was full of chaos,, i had to wake up super early,, to the point where i had no clue what was going on hehehe,, so according to my siblings, my dad had to carry me to the car since i was that sleepy 😖❤ then we drove for over an hour to the university, got some breakfast, and waited for an hour to get into the apartment complex 😅 (5/8)

most of the day was spent bringing stuff into his bedroom and organizing the entire place, but we also got to go shopping and eat lunch together! it was lots and lots of work,, oh, and i found out that one of his roommates brought a kitten to live with them, he was so so so tiny and adorable!! (6/8)

i also got to listen to music with my brother and we messed around a bunch,, when we finally had to leave, i gave him the card i made, and he smiled at the envelope (i decorated it with stars and smiley faces hehe!) i don't know if he has opened it yet, but i hope he likes it!! going home was a bittersweet feeling, but i know he'll come visit soon enough ✨ (7/8)

ah mamma mia,, i feel exhausted!! i should probably rest now, make sure to get some good sleep during the day honeybun~! goodnight morgy dear, see you tomorrow 💋 - lots, lots, lots of love! waifu xoxo 💌💘💌💘💌💘 ps: oh darling, of course i'd love to drive around with you, listening to our favorite music of course 💗 (8/8)"

Unfortunately my day was kinda dreadful and also stressful but then again that aint anything new🤡🤡🤡 its good to hear u had things to do tho...moving out is never easy but at least ur bro liked the card 👁️👁️

Also im almost not even surprised to hear u have mafia ascensors i mean....ur family seems so huge and full of history its amazing really and i totally agree i too am lowkey fascinated by mafia history and all of that jazz, and to say you'd join it if I were to join it?? Im FLATTERED dear that's peak fuckin romance right there😳😳😩😩

And im tellin u...someday on god i will drive u around as we listen to absolute b a n g e r s 💜👀

[parkaiur]

(Un)popular Opinions ep 9!

wowowoow so like... this whole thing was a R O L L E R C O A S T E R and like ten times worse cuz im so emotionally fragile after all of this is over djfhjkhfggj

this turned into “what i liked abt each performance” instead of unpopular opinions BUT i still added some throughout so :^) 

OK LETS GET INTO IT :D 

so honesty hour~ i was scared when Seunghun was joining treasure 5... NOT that i think hes untalented in any way shape or form, but he’s the oldest and it seemed like the group would be seunghun + the kids LMAO 

BUT I WAS SURPRISED (not rly) that he fit so well into Going Crazy ??? Like i was so shook that seunghun could sing any song and totally slay it ,, like wowowow he keeps surpassing my expectations

i screamed when he appeared on stage

BOOMERANG PERF ! : ) 

ok ok okokokok for those who dont know... jihoon .... is my bias and this performance i have been dreading looking forward to the entire week

i know YG edited it and made it seem like Boomerang was too powerful and strong for dohwan and yeongue, but honestly, out of all the groups, i think boomerang was most suited for this team ,,, 

like yeongue??? singing daehwi’s parts?? i didnt know i needed that til now... their voices are so similiar (like tone and style) and their dancing was similar as well !! 

 all of them were so good? like dohwan is an amazing dancer + vocalist and yoshinori..... really.... wearing that... rapping like that.... sgjdfghsfdjgh

plus,,, where are those ppl who were calling jihoon untalented?? BOY WAS LITERALLY THE MAIN VOCAL IN THE PERFORMANCE U HOES

anyways, choi hyunsuk......... he is an amazing leader wowow like when he was leading the boys in the rehearsal and shouting at them while they were literally on stage kdfjdhskd  that was a side of him we hadnt seen before

and the fact that he choreographed the dance breaks ?!?!? like he couldve asked jihoon to help him, but the fact that he carried that on his own is AMAZING ... they truly had the hardest dance to learn and when they made it themselves,, it made everything 10x cooler 

GROWL TEAM !

well ,,, this was depressing cuz i knew only one of them would survive ... 

tbh my pick wouldnt have been junghwan, it wouldve been jongseob, but i agree that junghwan did very well !! like he has lots of stage experience and knows what to do on stage ,,,, i mean jongseob too but idk man he is underrated : / 

anyways , DUMB AND DUMBER PERFORMANCE !

ok like from that teaser... we all knew they were going to win ... it was just expected with confetti guns and backup dancers 3 members of team a +mashi and yoonbin,, all very talented boys and mashi has been training for a long time as well 

in my opinion, this song suited Byounggon and Doyoung the most! they really caught my eye in this performance !! like i knew they were going to win as soon as Byounggon yelled “PARTY PEOPLE~~” like...ok byounggon if u wanted my attention, all u had to do was just ask ;-;

byounggon looked really good in this perf... like really good..... too good *chokes*JFGKDGJKJSGF

im usually not fond of that “wet hair” style,,, but it looked so good on him...... /i cant breathe/

ALSO Doyoung’s singing??? i knew he was a good singer but this song really suited his voice and i got chills when he sang 

anyways, DNA TEAM ! :D 

they were amazing as well !! :D but their stage wasnt as flashy cuz DNA isnt really a flashy song,, its very straightforward LOL

anyways,,,,, yedam and seunghun’s high note was a literal out of body experience like i cant even function thinking abt it cuz it was so beautiful ... it was so flawless as well ... 

they sang so smoothly together ... i’ll never be over it ... 

i wish i could actually see them tho wtf was that green lighting

also can we appreciate how hard yedam works? i know lots of ppl say yyg exaggerates yedam’s talent and basically calls him a God LMAO ,,, but like,,, after this ,,, he truly is a genius cuz i cant even fathom learning a dance and song in an hour tops wowowow on top of studying for exams??and how much stress that is ?? i can barely eat when im studying for exams oml

.... he really is amazing ... and doesnt deserve all the shit yg throws at him 

OVERALL ! 

ok ok ok so now it gets controversial 

ELIMINATIONS : ( 

ok so as expected, Keita and Seunghun were eliminated which was such a shit move on yg’s part :/ like Keita is the longest running japanese trainee and seunghun is the longest running korean trainee... like wtf

and before i get shit for this, obviously i didnt want any of DNA team to be eliminated (i dont want anyone to be eliminated period),,, but c’mon ,, a 14 year old who has been training for not even a year VS 9 year and 5 year trainees ... ,, i’l admit, i think seunghun deserved that spot, 

and jeongwoo thought so too ,, like the look in jeongwoo’s eyes were not “oh yay i won!!” they were “me park jeongwoo??” kdfjdgkhsfd ,, he looked at seunghun immediately which was so sad cuz these trainees dont even have the time to be happy for themselves cuz they are too busy feeling sad for their friends... ... /sigh/

ok boomerang elimination time freaked me TF out cuz jihoon is my bias of like the entire show and ;-;;;;;;;;; jihoon ;-;;;;;; like obviously hyunsuk was expected, but i was thinking yoshinori or jihoon? really dont know with yg :/  

bUT IM SO HAPPY JIHOON MADE IT AJFKDFJSKGJ  like yes i love Yoshinori but ugh my heart hurts for jihoon .. he’s been through so much ... (but later i felt better keke)

and after those eliminations were over,,, like hyunsuk’s crying really got to me... he was crying ever since seunghun was eliminated and we all know hyunsuk cannot hide his emotions for shit so he was covering his ears during DNA eliminations and he apologized multiple times to the boomerang team and looked SO guilty... my heart ached hearing his sobs... they sounded so child-like and pitiful. it really put things into perspective ;-; 

before this, i was unsure if hyunsuk was fit to be a leader, not cuz he cant lead, but cuz he’s so emotional ... but after boomerang team, i think he really can lead Team A if/when they debut... like wow he was a really amazing leader and sometimes showing/feeling emotion can be good as a role model ... but ofc all team a members are amazing leaders LOL (also jihoon aka leader of team b)

ok i already said my peace abt growl so yeet ,,, was expected and i heard spoilers... /sigh/

and ok ok ,,, so i truly think Dumb and Dumber deserved to win,, but all the groups did so well ! i enjoyed all of them except growl tbh (maybe cuz that song has been covered so many times and im lowkey sick of it sdlkjfhdsjgs) but !! they all worked so hard :’(    

ALSO THAT ENDING AHAHAHAHA :))))

i believe the trainees who come back are Seunghun (i know it is LMAO) and Yoshinori(??) i say that cuz the camera zoomed on Treasure J members and Haruto opened his arms up for a hug !! and i feel like he would do that for another one of his members kldsjfdgahfjd 

PLUS Hyunsuk looked so happy and i know that happiness was directed at Seunghun too, but Yoshinori was also on his team which probs made him feel so much happier !! 

****** Another side note: Seunghun is LITERALLY SO UNLUCKY & HAS IT SO BAD ... like first, he lost against Mashiho when he was chosen by the 100 treasure makers (mashi was chosen by yg). then he won against yoonbin and yeongue, but was called out by everyone by being a popularity contest (which no one is complaining about now even tho these performances were all chosen by the fans ahah funny weird lmao ahah more sarcasm) + YG didnt even compliment him and/or Byounggon ?? :///  

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT, he gets chosen to be in the Treasure 5, which i was initially SO excited for, but then D&D wins over the Treasures, leaving seunghun to be eliminated...he can never truly win ... + the only time he got complimented was right before he was eliminated, so waht the fuck...

we really though yedam was the protagonist of this show but UHH we thought wrong: it’s Seunghun !! :)))

also my inbox is open to im open to debating/talking/crying/screaming over all of this dksflhdsgkjhasf also fangirl/boying is allowed :^) especially about jihoon 

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[mottski]

t update, month two (and a little bit)

has it really been two months, jesus christ

-hairs. so much hairs. i swear to god they don’t come in slowly either, like one day my arm hair only goes to one spot on my biceps and the next day its like a solid inch further. alternatively: i’m very bad at paying close attention to things consistently 

-my voice is stabilizing more. i’m not sure if it’s done dropping yet but i don’t think it’s gonna get much lower. it’s still...a bit inconsistent coming out of my mouth. it’s never cracked (outside of singing) i think bc i’m trained in how to get my voice to do what i want it to, but sometimes i’ll talk in a much lower pitch than i expect. which is nice but slightly odd. 

-speaking of voice, i’m gendered 100% as male over the phone now. it’s that low. its lower than some of my cis coworkers’ voices. its legit fantastic. on the other hand: “thanks man” sounds distressingly close to “thanks ma’am” 

-its also mostly stopped rising in pitch as i wear it out from singing a lot in the car on long drives for work. i can also more consistently belt shit out and it sounds good 

-i’m still forgetting that my body like really, really needs protein so i’ll eat my former amount of breakfast (so like one (1) cereal) at like 10 in the morning and then think i’ll be fine until i get home at like 6:30 at night. big surprise: i’m absolutely not and by like 4 i’m getting hunger shakes. will i someday consistently remember this happens? hell no.

-my creeper stache is in now and i’m torn between liking it and going “god this looks bad” at any given time. BUT!!! i just got minoxidil (the active ingredient in rogaine) at like 45% off on amazon (hell yeah) so i’m smearing that on my face. we’ll see what happens in about two weeks ish, that’s when it tends to start doing hair stuff

-still fighting the good fight against pizza face and still losing. thankfully i didn’t toss out all my concealer cause hooo boy. i probably have 2-3 more months of this puberty bs at the least. 

-mood wise, i’m far more assertive than before, which is generally good. i have big issues standing up for myself and calling out people’s bullshit or mistakes normally. i’m also grouchier of a driver, i’ve noticed. i used to be much more forgiving of people’s dumbass moves on the freeways through here but now i’m like >:|

-my anxiety’s changed, too, which i was wondering about. a trans youtuber mentioned his changing and almost vanishing entirely around two months on T and lo and behold...

-its not actually gone, but i’m less anxious about phone calls and social interactions. i’m more anxious about other things tho, like how i’m being read by cis people, and cis guys in particular, so it’s not like my overall anxiety level’s gone down. it’s just shifted targets. not necessarily bad, tho.

-one of my coworkers is moving, so we’re bringing in a new person which is kinda terrifying. like if someone’s around me for more than a few minute customer interaction, i absolutely do not read as cis and i’m fine with that. i don’t want to read as cis. but that means a new employee is gonna be real confused real quick and i’m just praying we don’t get a transphobe or homophobe 

-the racist with internalized transphobia and homophobia is bad enough, i’d rather not have to deal with more

-SPEAKING OF, he hasn’t misgendered me since that weekend a few weeks back buuut he also hasn’t had the opportunity to refer to me by pronouns alone since then. we’re working sat/sun together next weekend, which i’m already dreading, but god i’m lowkey itching for him to cause boy im gonna snitch on him real fast. i really, really want that opportunity.  r e a l l y     w a n t .

-i think i have a mild allergy to the oil that T is carried in in my injections bc unless i get the very side of the injectable area on my leg, the shot site gets itchy for daaaays and that sucks. it’s not very bad tho, i can deal w/ it. 

-fat distribution has kicked into high gear and i’m Not Liking It. its all migrated from my ass and chest to my stomach and it’s kinda uncomfortable. like yes sure there’s nothing wrong w/being fat or chubby but it makes me feel Soft and Curved and boy howdy do i not like feeling those things. it’s finally nice out here (for the week. iowa weather is extremely crazy and i wouldn’t be surprised if it freezes again) so i’m gonna start walking n stuff i think. 

-my muscles keep on growing and veeeery fast. 

-i think related to that, my body loves it when i stretch. like it feels so good, which is bizarre. like every muscle is like “MMM YES AHHHH STRETCH GOOD” 

-bi update: still gayer than i thought, still finding it mildly hilarious bc here i thought i was a gotdamn lesbian for like two years. 

-its absolutely fucking bizarre how differently cis men treat you if they ID you as female vs male. on deliveries its so much more relaxed and friendly now that i’m 99% ID’d as a younger man vs how it was when i was ID’d as a woman. its legitimately wild and kinda disturbing. like wtf, cis men. w t f 

i think that’s it, eyy