#low-key inspired by Bart after dark from the simpsons

[sporco-filth]

Home Alone

Kevin and his sons Josh and Hamish (they're all legally adults) are left home alone while Kevin's wife Amy goes on a month-long holiday.

The strict rules that used to govern the household start to relax as the three men slip into slovenliness.

This is part one.

'I'll see you in a month.' 'Have fun sweetie!'

Kevin and his sons Hamish and Josh waved goodbye as his wife drove off for her month-long business trip overseas. It was the holidays, so the boys and their dad had the month off as well. They went back inside and shut the door.

'It's almost dinnertime,' Kevin said, looking at the clock. 'What do you guys say to ordering pizza? What with all the packing and getting ready, I think we deserve a break from cooking for one night.' 'Sure,' said Hamish. They made their order and before long their pizzas had arrived. 'Want me to set the table?' Josh asked, always the responsible one. Kevin shook his head. 'Nah, don't worry about it. We can just eat out of the boxes.' They sat down and quickly polished off their meal. 'Here, I'll take your box to the recycling,' Josh offered. 'Leave it, I'll put them out tomorrow. It'll be Thursday so I'll have to take the rest of the rubbish out too.' Josh and Hamish went to their rooms, leaving the remnants of their dinner on the table.

The next morning, being the holidays, Josh woke up late. He rubbed his eyes and wandered into the kitchen to get breakfast. He poured himself a bowl of muesli and sat down at the table, pushing away the empty pizza boxes. Where is dad? he wondered. He's usually up by now. As he slowly munched away, he saw Kevin enter, dressed in his undies and yawning. 'Yaawn… morning,' he said, wandering over to the pantry and pulling out a jar of peanut butter. He put a slice of toast in the toaster and idly scratched his bum while he waited. 'Is your brother up yet?' 'I haven't seen him.' A flush was heard, followed by a running sink, then Hamish came out from the hallway. 'Morning.' He got himself a bowl of weet-bix and sat down across from his brother who was just about finished eating. Kevin's toast popped up and he slathered it with peanut butter, a little dripping from the knife onto the counter. He didn't seem to notice and sat down too. He took a bite and chomped loudly, bits of peanut butter smearing on his lips. He wiped it with the tablecloth and kept eating. 'I think we'll have to go shopping today,' he said. 'The pantry's looking a bit bare. Get dressed and we'll go soon.' Josh put his bowl in the sink and went to his bedroom to get ready. When he came out, he saw his dad in trakkies and a T-shirt, still unshaven and with his hair unkempt. His brother was dressed not long after and the three headed out.

'What do you guys want?' Kevin asked, pushing along the trolley. 'I 'unno,' Hamish said, the moody teen not really interested in shopping. He looked at the shelves and noticed they were in the junk food aisle. 'Hey, can I get some chips?' Usually unhealthy snacks weren't allowed in the house, so Hamish was a little surprised when his dad said sure. 'Get a few packs if you want,' he added. 'And why not some lollies too?' As their shopping trip continued, Josh noticed everything in the trolley was some sort of processed food. Hamish had run off and come back with two six packs of soft drink which Kevin added to the trolley without comment, much to his son's pleasure.

For lunch, Kevin made a large batch of spag bol which they ate ravenously. A strand of pasta dropped onto Kevin's top. He picked it up and ate it, but the sauce had left a stain. He didn't seem to mind though and kept eating away. Hamish cracked open one of his soft drinks and took a swig. He let out a belch. Kevin gave him a pat on the back. 'Nice one.' Hamish grinned and went back to looking at his phone. Devices weren't normally allowed at the table, but his dad didn't seem to mind. Hamish shovelled forkfuls into his mouth without really looking, making a mess on the table and his clothes. When he finished eating, he headed back to his room, leaving his bowl and can on the table. 'Hamish!' Josh was about to call him back, but his father put a hand on his shoulder. 'Let him go, he's on holidays. You go relax too, I'll deal with the washing up.'

But when Josh came out later that evening for dinner, he noticed the dishes had been brought to the sink, but hadn't actually been washed yet. 'What's for dinner?' he asked, putting the matter aside. 'I ordered Thai.' 'But we had take away last night.' 'Yeah, but I figured we can have it again. It won't hurt.'

The next morning, Josh saw that the pizza boxes still hadn't been cleared, nor the dishes in the sink from yesterday. He checked the rubbish bin and saw that that was nearly overflowing still. When his dad woke up, late again, he asked about it. 'Ah, I forgot. And it's too late to do it now, the rubbish truck'd have already passed.' 'I can still do the dishes,' Josh offered. 'Don't stress it, Josh,' he replied with a dismissive wave. 'It doesn't matter that much. You're on holiday, you can do it later.'

As the week drew on, Josh noticed none of the chores seemed to matter much anymore. The tablecloth was left stained and covered in crumbs, the clothes in the laundry hamper were piling up and the vacuum hadn't been run. Hamish's room was beginning to look like a bomb had gone off, his bed unmade and clothes and detritus scattered about. Josh was also pretty sure neither of the other two had been showering: Hamish's 'eau de teen' could be smelled from a metre away and Kevin also getting a bit whiffy. With the bin full, rubbish began to be left wherever, with the excuse that they'd clean it up next bin night. But next bin night came and passed and still the house looked like a tip. And despite their dad's assertion that each night would be the last time they'd get take away, they kept ordering it. The pantry and fridge were now full of junk food and there wasn't a single fruit or vegetable in the house.

Soon, Josh started to let things go a bit too; what was the point of tidying up if neither of the other two cared about living in a pigsty? He began to sleep in later and stay up playing video games till the early hours of the morning. With everyone waking up whenever they felt like it, meal times became blurred. Josh found himself snacking on whatever junk food he found whenever he felt hungry. He let his room get messy. When his clean clothes ran out, he rummaged through the hamper and pulled out a pair of dirty underwear. He gave them a sniff. 'Eh, they smell alright,' Josh said, putting them on. Some days he wouldn't even bother brushing his teeth.

One morning, as he stumbled bleary-eyed towards the kitchen, hungry for breakfast, he passed through the lounge to see his dad watching netflix and eating straight from a tub of cookie dough ice cream. 'Mornin…' Josh yawned. Kevin, who had been staring mindlessly at the TV, blinked and looked up, noticing his son. 'Oh, I didn't see you come in. Is it morning already? I swear it was one AM only an hour ago…' 'It's ten thirty.' Kevin rubbed his eyes. 'Huh,' he murmured, eyes already drifting back to the screen. Josh lumbered into the kitchen and scrounged around the pantry, but nothing really caught his interest. You know, I could go for ice cream myself right about now… 'Hey dad!' he yelled. 'Uh?' He poked his way through the freezer which was overstuffed with packets of frozen food. 'Have we got another tub of ice cream?' 'Yeah, right at the back there should be some chocolate one.' Josh pushed things around and spotted it. 'Got it!' He sat down at the table, covered with dirty dishes and empty take away boxes, and started scrolling through his phone while he ate his ice cream. When he was done, he tossed the tub and spoon on the floor and kept flicking through tiktoks until he heard Hamish get up. His brother had gone to the bathroom; Josh could hear a grunt followed by a loud fart and a splash, then the sound of peeing. Hamish entered, eyes glued to his nintendo switch, presumably having played it while on the toilet. Having been allowed unlimited screentime in the past few days, he had made the most of it and was playing video games or on his laptop almost every waking moment. Josh then realised he never heard the toilet flush, nor the sink run, but put it aside. Ah, who cares, he thought. Hamish grabbed a can of coke from the fridge and a pack of chips, then went back to his room, not even giving Josh a glance. 'Josh!' his dad called out from the living room. 'What?' 'Can you bring me a pack of timtams?' 'Get it yourself!' 'I can't be arsed getting up… and you're already there…' Josh sighed. 'Fine!' He went to the pantry and pulled out a pack of bikkies. Seeing a family-size block of chocolate, he grabbed that too and took it with him to the lounge. 'Here,' he tossed the timtams to Kevin. He smiled 'Lazy pig.' Kevin chuckled at the joke. 'Thanks. I've been working hard to get this lazy.' Josh flopped onto the couch next to him and ripped open the chocolate with his teeth. As he took a bite, he caught a whiff of something fishy. He glanced over and noticed a dark, puddle-like splotch on the couch where Kevin was sitting, and a yellowish stain on his underwear. 'Ew, did you pee yourself?' Kevin shrugged. 'I had to go, but I was so comfy…' Josh smiled. 'You really are becoming a pig.'

Later that night, the three guys were in the lounge, Josh and Kevin barely having moved from the couch except for food and toilet breaks (though, as time wore on, Josh had taken to just letting it go on the couch as well) and Hamish having come out from his room to take a break from his computer to watch TV. Josh was flicking through his phone. 'There's a new Mexican place just opened up. What do you guys say we get some of that for dinner?' 'Sure.' 'Sounds good.' Not long after, their food had arrived and they were tucking in. Josh's eyes were glued to the TV as he took a bite of his burrito, sauce dripping onto his shirt. 'Mmm, so good,' he moaned, scarfing it down and wiping his hands on his already filthy top. He lay back with a sigh, patting his full belly. 'I could go for dessert. What do you think?' Kevin let out a fart in assent. 'Cool, I think we've got a cheesecake in the fridge.'

Josh soon returned, carrying a huge cheesecake which he plonked down on the table atop a staggering pile of trash. Not even bothering with cutlery, Hamish reached out and grabbed a handful of cake and stuffed it into his mouth, scoffing it down in seconds. Before Kevin could manage to get a piece of his own, Hamish was already getting a second one. 'Hey, leave some for the rest of us!' Kevin protested. Hamish's response was only a loud burp right in Kevin's face. He grinned mischievously as his dad fanned his nose. 'Ugh, your breath stinks! When was the last time you brushed?' 'I 'unno,' he said, taking the opportunity to help himself to another piece of cake. 'I don't think I've brushed my teeth in at least a week.' Kevin smiled as he leaned over to get his own bit of cheesecake. 'Heh, I'm impressed.' Before he could say anything else, Kevin knocked the cake. He tried to catch it but he was too late: it fell top down onto the floor amid the rubbish and crumbs that covered the carpet. 'Fuck!' he swore. The three men stared at the fallen cake. Josh's stomach growled. He picked it up, flicking a bit of fluff off of it and took a bite. 'Five second rule,' he said through a mouth of cake. 'Can't let it go to waste.' 'Hey, don't hog it all!' Kevin moaned. 'I still haven't had any yet!'

[leasabbah]

LEA'S LATE NITE QUARANTINE JAMS

As seen in CJLO Magazine

By Lea Sabbah

"COME THRU" - Joji

Joji — aka Filthy Frank, aka Pink Guy — established himself as our YouTube generation’s multifaceted early adopter, finally graduating to music in 2015 and dropping alt-hit after alt-hit on his debut EP. On Come Thru—from the 2017 drop Ballads 1—  his croony, pseudo-falsetto performance makes for a pill-popping, late nite party jam whose hook truly comes thru.

"deep end" - Lykke Li

Swimming pool, swimming pool, swimming pool, swimming pool. I’m in it, I’m in it, I’m in it. Divin’ in it, divin’ in it. This infectious dream pop bop by Sweden’s very own Lykke Li. It quarantines itself into the cavities of your skull and builds a home, replaying on loop in your mind until you can’t remember the rest of the lyrics.

"Glimmer" - Tame Impala

Kevin Parker describes this stunning, metallic highlight as “A glimmer of hope, a twinkle. Fleeting, but unmistakable. Promising.” Crank the bass up! This cool house track is great for nighttime parties of one, complete with a Tatcha mask, a (small) glass of wine and maybe half a Xan.

"Resonance" - HOME

This track is found on every Simpson/Vaporwave YouTube video — but especially the one with Bart driving into the sunset (if you know, you know) — and sparks feelings of summer nostalgia, Mont-Royal nights and walks through La ville éphémère. Quarantine tip: fall into a YouTube rabbit hole of explanation videos on why the repetitive electro track is reminiscent of slick 80s synths and your favourite childhood ice cream place.

"PUFF LAH" - Kaytranada

Montreal’s favourite chill house beatmaker is at his best on "PUFF LAH", off the December 2019 EP, Bubba. While Kaytra can craft catchy alt-pop and R&B on the collaborative joints, he shines on his instrumentals, as evidenced by the 2018 Soundcloud drop, "Nothin Like U / Chances" — arguably some of his best. You can listen to the entirety of this 4-minute beat and it feels like a comprehensive song, even with its simple, repetitive sound.

"WAKING UP DOWN" - Yaeji

Boiler Room’s 2017 breakout electro K-pop composer and pro Drake-coverer is back with her first drop of 2020. She brings back mellow, chill house vocals and a beat perfect for a late night creative sesh. The pop-rap track is reminiscent of Tumblr favourite, raingurl, but with more anime.

"Shimmer" - Fabiana Palladino

This ultra-lovable track has all the basics of a cool, 80s-inspired alt-pop joint — glistening synths, a subtle bassline, breathy vocals and an anti-establishment message. Listen out for the muted snares and glittery reverbs at the start of the song, establishing the little-known Paul Institute vocalist far ahead of the competition. Fabiana, sweetie, if you’re reading this, we need new music in 2020!

"So Heavy I Fell Through the Earth" (Art Mix) -  Grimes

If you haven’t developed a Grimes obsession after February’s Miss Anthropocene drop by Canada’s weirdest electro anti-pop McGill alumni, you’re not living. Claire Boucher, Vancouver’s very own Enya, describes the track as an ode to getting pregnant with genius-slash-ponzi-schemer, Elon Musk - and the ego death that comes with it.

"Blood" - Prince Josh (ft. LA Timpa & Yves Jarvis)

Don’t sleep on The 6ix’s Prince Josh. The producer, songwriter and DJ’s downtempo, instrumental hip-hop, interlaced with hypnotic sound and D&B stylings (2020’s hottest trend in music) is perfect for late night eats and drinks with friends via FaceTime.

"Norton Commander (All We Need)" - Men I Trust

MTL’s fave indie-pop band is at their best on Norton Commander (All We Need), a chill, bass-heavy track perfect for winding down with Emma Proulx’s vocals serenading you to sleep. What does the title mean? We’ll have to ask them over drinks at Le Ritz.

"Gold Teeeth" - Blood Orange (ft. Project Pat, Gangsta Boo & Tinashe)

Dev Hynes’ R&B brainchild, Blood Orange, wrapped up a big year in 2019 with the mixtape Angel’s Pulse, an eclectic, genre-defying collection of tracks that reminds you of your favourite early-00’s R&B. The collabs are where Blood Orange is at their best, with Gold Teeth being the tape’s magnum opus.

"DHL" - Frank Ocean

Frankie is in his prime on DHL, the low-key, chill vibe late night track about ramen noodles and a DHL package that’s coming soon. We need Frank Ocean raps.

"12.38" - Childish Gambino

Thank God for Donald Glover’s haphazard 3.15.20 album drop, blowing the rest of March’s music releases out of the water. On "12.38", Gambino raps about a love interest that gives him some shrooms, using 3-Stack’s Vibrate under a sensual falsetto and some voice acting. The variegated track takes you on a journey that ends with trippy ad-libs and 21 Savage rapping about Lamborghini whippin’ and Popeyes chicken.

"Snowchild" - The Weeknd

Toronto’s MJ-esque R&B phenomenon blends 80s synths with R&B and catchy pop on his new drop, After Hours. On Snowchild, he talks about his journey to fame and his past life on the skreets of the 6ix. There’s some weird interlude with Bella Hadid that no one cares about. The futuristic, dream wave track is one of the best on the new drop, perfect for a chill weeknight at home.

"Sound of Rain" - Solange

You can’t have a late night playlist without a track from When I Get Home. Fight me on it. The slow, rat-tat-tat sound of "Sound of Rain" is perfect for washing away the pain of COVID-19.

"LOYAL (Remix)" - PARTYNEXTDOOR (ft. Drake & Bad Bunny)

This cutesy, tropical pop vibe of "LOYAL" finds the Mississauga singer with a new sense of sweetness, accompanied by fellow fuckboy 6ixer, Drizzy. And our little angel, Bad Bunny. If you don’t live under a rock, you’ve probably been saying “You’re my bEeEeEeEeEeSt friend” for the last few weeks.

"After Hours" - The Weeknd

The perfect after hours bop. Sex, drugs and melancholy — where Abel’s at his best. We don’t want to see you in a healthy relationship. Please give us painful, dark Glass Table music.

"Fukk Sleep" - A$AP Rocky (ft. FKA Twigs)

The run-of-the-mill trap beat on Fukk Sleep - off of Rocky’s mediocre 2018 drop, Testing - makes it one of the most catchy tracks on the album, made complete by FKA Twigs’ tittering, high-pitched ramblings. The video for this track finds the pair running wild through NYC, breaking into a bodega and a Chinatown store. If you’re up at 4 a.m., quarantined on a Wednesday with nothing to do, this track takes you there.

"Hold On, We're Going Home" -  Drake (ft. Majid Jordan)

Our baby daddy, our toxic, unstable but romantic ex, whining at his best on a track we all know and love. A cute reminder that If we just Stay Home™ and stay healthy, we can all get through this weird, apocalyptic reality.

"NOTHING LESS" - PARTYNEXTDOOR

The first track to PND’s new drop is the perfect outro for a late night music sesh, its dark hip-hop beat so easy on the ears that you almost forget about his low-key vocal chops. A quarantine track to remember.

Check out Lea's Late Nite Quarantine playlist now!