#low key tempted to just risk it all. stop smoking weed. and go on the damn feeding tube.

[horce-divorce]

OHHHH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD one of my friends is running freaking mushroom camp and trying to get more ppl to come 😭😭 it's THREE DAYS of learning how to ID and cook mushrooms with other mushroom ppl and mycologists, at camp, in september. Fuck!!! Fuck.fuck fuck fuck fuck I wanna go so bad. SOOOOO BAD. this is like all I've wanted for years that sounds like a DREAM.

I'm absolutely in no physical condition to do such a thing though... I'd have to meticulously plan my food, I'd have to wear a mask the entire time, and I have no idea what kind of volunteer stuff I could even be capable of and that's the only way I could afford to be there (I mean I can do stuff, I just don't wanna be too picky about it cus it's farm work y'know?? what needs doing just needs doing and that's not up to guests, but I might have to be picky bc I can pass out just standing there)

Basically I'd need..like. a carer to be able to do this lmao. Someone would have to come with me and help me with shit the whole time, and be ready to bail if I got sick.

But even just considering the # of people and how many ppl I know who had covid already in the last 2 weeks.... :/ And btwn that and how far my symptoms have already progressed even w/o getting sick... I really couldnt risk it anyway, more than likely.

Heartbroken to realize this tbh. I've been griping about wanting this exact mushroom camp situation for years and here it is and it's RIGHT THERE and I can't.

I am sooooo frustrated rn. I am losing more and more of me and my life w each week that passes, my symptoms get worse daily, and they tell me my case isn't severe enough to treat. I can barely get around the garden. I can't bend to unload the dishwasher. I am in agony 24 hours per day. I can't have a job. I can't do barely anything I want to do. And it's still not enough. They're still telling me I'm not worth helping.