#lovewhenithearts

[heartsfromwithin]

I want a good job, freedom, and independence to do the things I want. As I approach 25, I want to finally glow up fully, something I've been waiting for since birth. I have seen people and visited places, and I am so grateful as it's been an inspiration for me. Where I am now, I feel the push to keep going so that I can achieve all these things. The only issue is that as time passes, I begin to feel impatient with myself and everyone around me. It's demotivating because I wonder when I'll ever see results.

Around April this year, I decided to begin a challenge. I was really inspired by one of the lectures I had in class on self-development (well, the class was about product development, but the lecturer had a holistic view that truly inspired me). He talked about how he won over his first love, doing everything to get what he wanted, and that's the energy I'm channeling this year.

However, I sometimes get overwhelmed seeing what everyone has, looking at social media, and being in a city where everyone literally looks like a model. I know I was born to be an icon and an inspiration. I want to spend my days exploring and trying out new looks and perfumes. I want to live the dream, travel to Europe and other parts of the world. I want the luxury of working from anywhere in the world. I want my own home and peace to live on my own terms.

For a long time, I watched people I started with progress and leave me behind. Well, I chose not to look at it this way; instead, I was just being me and making space for myself. I wanted a taste of the freedom they had and to live the life they lived. It was glamorized and seemed so perfect to live a fast lifestyle. Imagine getting what you want when you want it. You can imagine how badly I coveted what they had, so much that at the moment, I feel I'd do anything. For the past couple of months, I've done the unimaginable to get close to living a life like this.

I ask myself every day, "Why me?" Don't get me wrong, I've been a positive person for a long time. My life as a child wasn't the best, and I just had to try to be positive. I liked myself more when my emotions didn't eat me up, and instead, I chose positivity. It's my backbone and my anchor whenever I feel down. Even when I'm at my lowest, it could take a couple of days to lift myself up, but the positive spark within me remains.

It's really sad that some of the people I was drawn to actually tried to bring me down and suck all the ambition and energy out of me. I have been constantly judged and made to feel stupid and dumb for enjoying the things I naturally like to do and for being myself. It's like no matter what, I was only at peace when I was alone, and the creeping feeling of loneliness began to slowly overwhelm me. I was seeking to be seen just the way I admire people. I was seeking people who saw happiness in me being myself. Though in a world like this, does that really exist?

Here I am now, still holding on to the little positivity I have within me. I choose myself, and I choose to look at all my experiences as a roadmap to my eventual success. I choose to begin working from within and see myself without it all. To see how promiscuous, curious, and malicious I can be only due to the fact that I don't see what I already have, but rather I see others who shine, uncovering all my defects and what I lack.

I want to change, and I want to find happiness from within. My inferiority complex is where I choose to set my anchor, and from within me, I can flourish and set sail without getting lost. I believe that someday it will all work out astoundingly, and I'll look back, and this will be one of many beautiful memories.