#loved it all. except for the blanche slander

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Right, so, this plot is on thin fucking ice (I always dislike when the girls fight about men, but Charlie? Charlie slept with Blanche? that's... quite a line to cross), but I have to say, Dorothy and Rose were the epitome of cute in this scene.

[wisteriainslumber]

“Wait, this is supposed to be relaxing?”

alternatively: TWST cast discover ways in which animal crossing: nh should not be played

once upon a time my playstyle was the entirety of ace’s section and then i thought “what if it was Worse” and this post was born

warnings: swearing, the aggravating process of getting villagers to move out, tom nook slander

Riddle

claims he doesn’t choose favourites but everyone & their mother knows he’s particularly fond of Merengue

would participate in the stalk market because he wakes up at 6AM like a maniac

also because he refuses to time travel

has a very neat island. he uses whatever time he can to improve on his island layout and is a very good form of stress relief for him

finally, a good coping method

gifts his villagers fruit most of the time, but will occasionally give them furniture and stuffed animals 

taken back by Pietro’s appearance in his campsite but now he is appointed the court jester

will tell no one that he adores the music in Pietro’s house

gets gold roses the quickest out of his classmates, but now he’s struggling with a major flower infestation

pls it won’t stop raining and he’s getting buried in petals

he really plays this game just to garden. this is not animal crossing this is Gardener Riddle Simulator now 

when he gets visitors, he demands they greet every villager in town as well. its the polite thing to do, after all

blathers is a fine lad but there’s one thing about him that really irks riddle

why is he complaining about doing his job?

he owns a museum, he asks for donations, and lets his personal bias get the better of him if given a bug (he says, yk, like a hypocrite)

bugs are part of the island and fit the criteria of things blathers asks for. there is even an entire wing of the museum dedicated to insects.

even if he has a distaste for bugs, the least the owl can do is his job. no one likes a biased educator

riddle wears a pretty little shirt customed designed with stars by sebek

cute, it’s really cute. except those stars are pentagrams, and both the wearer and designer still think they are a neat star pattern 

this was a relaxing game until riddle found out about the island rating system 

he will settle for no less than a 6, yes, six star rating

the bulletin board isn’t used for announcements it’s used for impromptu laws he declared

such laws include no vandalizing the board (only applies to ace), no slander towards one another (watch ur tone, Blanche), no tampering with the able sisters displays (he sees you, azul), and what looks like a wanted ad for Redd

yeah, it seems that azul & riddle have a common goal

sending literal long ass letters to his villagers if he catches them being mean to each other. 

after being enraged by the character limit because he wasnt finISHED, he settled for reporting them to isabelle

the peace era lasted a week

Trey

he loves the squirrel villagers so much, namely Mint. i’ll give you two guesses as to why

besides Mint he has a unique fascination for Blaire because she’s got the attitude of his classmates 😭😭

has the most variety of villager personality types on his island. the most normal villagers he’s had on there have peaked at 2 at one time. he likes the variety

or maybe he likes to convince himself hes the most normal one there who knows

gifts his villagers sunglasses when it’s sunny but then they kinda look like douches especially his jock villagers

keeps Flora on his island specifically so riddle can come visit her and chat in her home

it’s like an unbirthday party, but without any of the work #hallelujah

unsurprisingly his bathroom is the most furnished room in his home. other than that, he loves to decorate the outside of his house with flowers and has a constant rotation of wreaths on his door

big fan of Mable and Sable, they’re so sweet, reminds him of his go-to hedgehogs in croquet 

accidental dealer of furniture in heartslabyul

heartslabyul student C wanted a nice moon rug and asked trey if he knew how to get one, and trey went the extra mile to find & give it to him himself

the story spread and now all his students come ask him for stuff

he did not ask for this job </3

stocks up on mystery floorings and wallpapers whenever Saharah comes to visit

perhaps it is in his heartslabyul soul to make everything in his house whack

10000% laughs at the dad jokes in this game

let out a hearty ass chuckle at "i caught a snapper! its pretty dapper!"

no one but trey thinks they’re funny. clever maybe, but not funny

every time he sees C.J he points him out to cater and asks him about his hidden beaver relative

they talk the EXACT SAME. and trey thinks hes so funny for this (okay acc hes so right for this one)

everyone’s least favourite villager has to have some fans and that fan is trey. he has major “i can fix them” energy therefore he would love the most unpopular villagers

and by love i mean he is the only one that disapproves when lilia and leona form a temporary alliance to chase Barold around the island to hit him with nets 

Cater

you know damn well he went for the customizable phone case first

that horrific ugly phone case is so persistent in its survival that it transcends beyond the physical realm to do so

doodling on everyone’s bulletin boards so they get messages from their favourite senior <3

keeps one or two peppy villagers, but ultimately enjoys the chill of normal and lazy villagers the most

theyre just so kind.. and supportive :((

wants to collect all of the heart themed characters because they are pink and cute and full of love (is he convincing others or himself?)

ironically he doesnt end up collecting any of those villagers and his favourite villager is Cousteau because he has a funny mustache

let his favourite villager leave when they ask. he takes this so personally. thinks they didn’t wanna be there </3

Cousteau immediately went to rooks island too like. bruh okay then a fake french for a fake french >:(

cater now has a new favourite villager and it is Nate. they are besties, they are 4lyfers, he gets the best flowers around his house and the rarest of fruit

passes off the furniture he doesnt want to deuce and tells them they're gifts😭😭

obsessively putting smiley faces everywhere in his home to resemble his own room (???)

has matching mama bears with trey but instead of putting it inside it guards his house from the outside

having an identity crisis after the C.J comparison

he is not beating the C.J allegations but he loves to catch fish for him so they can take photos together

has a legitimate fear of Lloid because of the hollow eyes that crazy thing has. its like he can see into your soul 

because cater wants Lloid out of his island pronto he doesn’t wait for donations from his villagers he just pays up front

go away ASAP s’il vous plait🙏🙏

if you thought his dialogue consisted of 60% kaomoji before, its upped to the ninteys now

he's found a way to perform the reactions IRL and hasnt stopped since

in fact this is caters and kalims main form of communication

has a vacation area on the beach specifically designed with jamil in mind

not that jamil never visits, but his visits have increased to just chillax and take photos 

jamil is noticeably kinder to cater, and ruggie is seething in the back (gotta respect ur elders or smth idk)

has a million different fruit trees everywhere for the sake of fruit jokes

this is fruity island now, leave your zebra merch at the airport

unfortunately he gets unsatisfied with his island or villagers and wipes the file once every few months to start anew again

and because he’s indecisive, his name and island name will be the exact same too. 

rip to his classmates that have to scroll through 5 cater copies to find his current file. this is not how they imagined Split Card was supposed to be used for

Ace

uses the type in your own answer function for evil

makes his villagers call him weird names and makes them say inappropriate things

vendetta against the smug villagers. they sound like his bossy brother and grim

Wart Jr. happens to be his favourite villager. he’s never explained why

but grim & deuce say that he and ace both share the same smug ass look

ace does not agree with this statement

unspoken agreement from the dorm to not let ace into their world but he finds a way to break in and vandalizes their notice boards for the trouble

gave Hamlet a hamster cage and laughed when he displayed it

why cant he be nice😔

karma does come back around though, and it came in the form of Francine moving onto aces island

ace has never felt so much rage in a seemingly relaxing game

he doesnt even have a good reason for disliking her either she’s just too vibrantly blue for his liking

now all of the first years terrorize him with homemade good morning gifs of Francine that they edit themselves

high effort to cause ace as much inconvenience as possible, of course

his friends hate him because he blows up their console with “Ace Trappola is Online!” from all his time travelling

he’s trying to get this bitchass villager to move out why the hell is the STUPID bubble on everyone else but Francine!!?!?!?

100000% ready to reset his island just to purge his console of that damn bunny

hes so lucky that riddle does not do island inspections because his console would be forcibly taken away

at least isabelle is nice about it, but riddle would flame him

way too lazy to make his own custom designs so he steals them and subjects all his villagers to them

despite all of the chaos he sows, he’s one of the best terraformers and genuinely helps grim with his island. still bullies him the whole time tho💀

he reaches extremely high friendships with his villagers

yeah hes been working hard on the DL why is that so surprising >:(

Deuce

he loves Celia

he imagines this is what those indentured princesses in the fairy tales look like before their big transformation

plus Celia looks and is so friendly. she reminds him of his neighbours back home

making a gift out of anything he finds in the nook store.

wraps all his gifts too! has a bunch of wrapping to choose from to match his villagers. his villagers deserve the most!

gets giddy every time he receives a letter from Mom. gets angy that he cannot send letters or gifts back to her

at first he didnt really vibe with Cherry's punk look but shes got a soft place in deuces heart now. appearances can be deceiving and he respects that (some say he has a RBF). Celia has competition

sebek had told deuce that he and Cherry look alike and deuce pestered sebek for a while asking how to look less like a bad boy :((

even in game ace & deuce have matching everything. ace has Hamlet and deuce has Hamphrey to match

they both complain endlessly about their matching stuff but always refuse when their villagers request to move out

still keep up appearances though, they start wars trying to nab a villager the other wanted first

keeps being bitten by wasps because he doesnt know you can catch them with nets

whenever riddle visits he runs around and picks up weeds for him without scolding him

takes his job as the island representative very seriously. you will not catch him slacking in making sure his island is a well decorated habitat 

hasn’t gotten the hang of custom designs but trades the holiday DIYs to floyd in exchange for a few sidewalk/clothing designs

treats any request by his villagers as his god given duty

he was placed on this island to look after everyone and he is going to do his job WELL.

takes every and any opportunity he can to go on leonas island to admire the architecture and try to recreate it himself

has many heart ponds on his island after he unlocked terraforming 

once he had a sleepover with the first years and they switched consoles for the night

deuce was extremely nice and helped catch a few bugs and increase friendship with villagers for sebek. wholesome stuff

but of course the terror that is ace trappola was fighting for everyone else’s console to vandalize- i mean, terraform their island

safe to say no one’s island was safe from a pp pond. thanks ace >:(

deuce did get his revenge though, he teamed up with epel just to make a trash moat around aces house

even though ace is aware that deuce put up a bulletin post on his board calling him stinky, it has not been deleted lmao

Leona

gets rid of all the lion villagers, there can only be one member of the kingscholar family on this terf

he keeps a lot of the peppy villagers on his island

if asked, he will say they are annoying and won’t gtfo but it’s because its too silent and peaceful without the annoyance

hes too used to being interrupted all the time by a tiny cub jumping on him that he doesnt know how to function without it anymore wbk

not that he would kick out as many male villagers as possible but these jock villagers are getting on his nerves. like not even jack is that muscle obsessed

plus, big macho muscle men is such an outdated thing, grow up, Dom.

leaves gulliver alone. his business is his business

for someone so cranky, he beefs with the cranky villagers the most. says theyre so entitled and annoying LMAO

only one he doesnt beef with is isabelle. yeah, she gives him shitty ratings on his island but she’s so sweet, and she’s stuck with ruggies #1 enemy so she deserves the special treatment, you hear?

leona is the first out of his classmates to get his friendship high enough to receive a villager’s photo. no one knows how, but yea, leona and Stella are like besties now. they’re 4lyfers. BFFLS <33

what can he say, that island is his pride

makes a little library in his house, it sucks that there aren’t any readable books in this game so he studies the lore instead

he gets to one-up idia on the animal crossing expertise if nothing else🎉

places down mats and pet beds anywhere in case his lazy villagers need a lil nap (it’s not how it works but gotta appreciate the thought)

ruggie and idia have this weird cahoots going on where they leave pitfall traps everywhere for him. 

rivalry with malleus ended, new rivalry with these two gremlins

leona has beat the 'lazy' (is it really?) allegations hes making custom design after custom design just to spite his classmates

his interest solely lies in giving his juniors the True High School Experience

posts loving reminders on his classmates’ notice boards. such as a very “clean up ur island” on kalim’s and a very kind “the onceler called, he wants his island back” on azul’s

actually they’re not reminders at all, they’re just disguised insults

he also very kindly leaves fruit that epel doesn’t have on his island. he says it was his starter fruit (it was not) so he doesn’t need it 

in fact for some reason his island has become a playground for the first years

despite his complaints about bothering him, he always ends up opening up his island for them, even if hes still complaining during it

do not comment on it if you’d like to keep your eyeballs

Ruggie

runs a not-very-lowkey nook miles ticket business

take that azul, he’s the one drowning in riches now

made mad tickets by being an animal slave trader

azul felt it was morally wrong because they were so cute but ruggie does not give a flying eff

you all think azul's the person who treats people like pawns? absolutely the hell not

my guy ruggie & jamil are the kings of human (in this case, animal) meat shields & theres no time to debate morals in this economy

only one hes not keen on slaving away is Tutu. she simply looks too sweet for ruggie to subject that treatment onto

tries really hard to draw a lil picture of his classmates’ favourite villagers onto the notice boards, because he’s nice like that

plus it doesnt hurt to have a few brownie points with everyone :)

extends extra effort to get into jades good graces because 1. no one wants to be in his bad graces and 2. he is so high maintenance >:( 

ruggie is probably being hella scammed bc jade has been eating up his iron stash with nothing to show for until a few months later

living his fun little fishing dad life

bro’s a pro fisher, he’s beating the fishing tourney with flying colours. knows every fishing trick in the book & helps sebek catch all the fish he keeps scaring away

doesn’t matter who hates tom nook the most, because ruggie hates him more

his villagers are going to unionize. we rally under comrade ruggie

doesnt listen to a damn thing the raccoon tells him after the tutorial and only pays for his house if he runs out of storage

he writes letters to his villagers and has a daily graffiti notice board post to remind everyone that their island motto is “down with tom nook”

vive la revolutione

because history is important or whatever blathers said, ruggie decided to honour her majesty the queen of hearts with his island flag

it depicts tom nook under a guillotine 

riddle is slightly horrified

that One Time trey visited, he left with a new anti tom nook shirt bc ruggie insisted trey show off his hard work

unlike all of his other classmates, lilia is delighted to see so much passion and joins in on the revolution not knowing a single thing

one peruse into ruggies island and malleus is now convinced that tom nook is some sort of evil mastermind keeping the player and his villagers captive

Jack

increasingly disturbed by a villager named Ace who moved in

he gifted the villager a basketball out of kindness

but seeing how different the villager was from the ace he knew (cough cough, hardworking), jack would prefer if he moved out 

also a time travel anti. his friends are all time travelling but he will refuse to be tempted

stretches with his villagers every morning. it’s good to get the oxygen flowing for a good, energizing start to the day

all of his buildings have either hedges or flowers around them. hes very committed to the aesthetic of Mother Nature

joining riddle in the Gardener Simulator squad. his sole goal is making his entire island a pretty little garden

sometimes he does wish he could have Leif on his island permanently. he likes the friendly lil sloth creechure

not much preference in who moves into his island but he does have a penchant for the sisterly and jock villagers

they’re friendly and always keeping each other in check. it’s a mutually beneficial relationship

plus they have way more integrity than the rest of his friends lmao bye

personally vibes with Sterling for that diligent knight energy. jack has plenty of role models to choose from and this time he happened to want to learn from silver

even though his entire island is the most jock-oriented place, his favourite villager is Bangle. she gets along with almost all of his villagers and is always in a good mood. 

he thinks she has a good personality to lead the island pack

one of the few that tries to even give tom nook an ounce of respect. he wont join in on the hate but he wont necessarily defend the raccoon either

bless his big heart

the savanaclaw students adore jacks island and his complete butterfly exhibit

every friday after dinner, the savanaclaw students all huddle and play animal crossing together i will die on this hill

they love to camp out in jacks island and by the savanaclaw lounge, you’ll see a string of photoshoots in jack’s butterfly exhibit

who initiated this? why, leona of course! he’s giving jack the recognition he deserves & it gets the dorm bonding

(it also gets ppl to visit jack’s island more, which means ppl visit leonas island less😏)

puts up a daily motivational quote on the boards

got highly offended when sebek once compared him to a jock villager. it wasnt bc he hated the villager, it was bc sebek meant it as an insult >:(

Azul

his favourite villager is Marina

she’s super nice and has never hurt a fly. he complies to all of her whims. how can you say no to her??

finally, someone can understand idias penchant for cute things

in tears after knowing the octopi are sought after by the masses he’s so proud

was less proud when jade joked the octopi were endangered bc they were getting eaten like can you not >:((

cannot participate in the stalk market he time travels so much

sure, the weeds will increase but it’s a small price to pay for efficiency 

pays his debts as fast as possible. not because he’s a good noodle, but because he won’t risk interest (even though there is no interest)

has an ongoing (one-sided) rivalry with redd and gathers all of the real artworks he can get

the paintings are a good deal he supposes but redd truly needs a better atmosphere if he wishes to continue selling

his boat doesnt even look approachable, & ambiance is a big factor when getting your clients to be comfortable. azul could totally lend out a few tips. all for the generous price of free!

he changed his mind after he misclicked and bought a fake painting, so he decided to pawn it off saying it was real. as a famous princess once said, some things never change

he’s long completed his art collection, but if you’re in need of a certain artwork, you can have it for the right price <3

pissed as hell over the snooty villagers. you think you’re better than him huh???

or, that’s what he wishes he feels. he just feels bullied in his own domain

money DOES grow on trees so therefore azul’s island is decorated in bell trees

he got excited when a tree dropped a coin. 

got less excited when he picked up the coin and it got put in his wallet

he thought there were different coins and he could have a digital coin collection too :(

builds something akin to a mostro lounge 2.0, not really for monetary purposes, it’s just a nice outdoor plaza for his villagers to hang out in :)

mad respect for his villagers who go to the lounge during winter season. it is very cold :(

but they look so adorable in their sweaters and hats and scarves🥺 jade, floyd, perhaps its time to invest in a miniature clothing line

a completionist! he will try to earn every achievement, and complete his critterpedia!

he heard riddle wanted to complete the critterpedia so azul did it first to impress him, but all riddle told azul is that he needed to spend less time on the game osijfgnrfg big L

Jade

starting hissy fights with floyd over the villager he wanted moving into floyd’s island

refuses to let floyd on his island for weeks because he’s So Hurt. just look at how upset he is :'(

had Raymond during his hype and refuses to let him go to this day. he’s gotten attached

hes got some cool ass preppy vest and their eyes match!!

often mentions that he wants to invite Tia on his island in hopes someone gets the hint

(so far no one has yet, but jade is a master at playing the long game)

has a concerning amount of sharks on display: both in tanks and as plaques

he misses the hunt <3

kept refusing to give back wisp’s body in hopes something would happen but ur basically forced to give it back ugh

how boring. he hoped there wouldve been consequences or something

actually he hoped that wisp would lose his shit

his house isn’t really for living in, it’s for storage. his home is the outdoors and hes placing down the furnishing to prove it

many forget that jade is also just living his best life, just a little guy. hes so jealous of his villagers. he too wants to only water flowers, fish for hours, and visit his nice neighbours in their pretty little homes

almost always wearing some kind of wide-brimmed hat to really sell the image that his home is the outdoors

cater is constantly handing jade some more trendy clothes because he thinks jade’s fashion is atrocious, but jade. never. wears. them.

hell, next year he might just use his island as a way to recruit people into the mountain-lovers club

makes ugly ass custom designs and genuinely think it looks good (anyone remember that one time jade dressed himself?)

forget leona, maybe it’s jade that has the uncle fashion. socks with sandals and all

aside from his own kin, no one has seen him physically hold a console in his hands, yet, his hours in this game would give idia a run for his money

theres some skeletons in the basement yeah

no seriously, he has skeletons in the basement. it looks like a jail. theres custom design blood on the floor

all that iron he's been pilfering from ruggie goes into steel bars👍👍

but he’ll say its for educational purposes

between you and me though, thats the corpse of Chadder. he hates rats- wait what do you mean wrong game??

Floyd

loves Zucker because “he looks edible” 

because of course he’d say that

terrorizing one octopus wasn’t enough he needed to terrorize two

obsessively resets his island until he gets peaches

fighting with jade over his console to drop iron for him

his house looks fine and normal in every room besides the basement. 

there’s seven skeletons chilling in there with bubblegum k on 24/7 loop

its a skeleton rave because they deserve to have fun too goddamnit

out of the twins, floyd has the neater house. hes quite committed to the aesthetics of his virtual space 

his happy home academy scores have reached the peak and hasn’t moved from there at all

it’s also vil certified! he really liked floyd’s home and told him he could land a career in interior design

says he’s gonna custom design the octavinelle uniform for azul and yassified it up so its a crop top & shorts now :D

dont forget them knee high boots

had fun designing but it was less of a “mini matching octavinelle uniform for us awww” and more of a “what would azul hate to wear”

(azul absolutely fuckin hates it to shreds so yay!! mission accomplished!)

even though azul reluctantly wears it, floyd had legitimately made the real uniform for him should azul choose to change clothes

his home storage is filled with 80% clothes bc of course his shoe collection carries over to the virtual space

horrible person he loves to scare wisp but will never hunt the ghost bits to give back to him

once he got his hands on the ocarina it was over for his multiplayer invites

his most used tool frfr. depending on the day he’ll play a pop song he memorized or a cacophony of sounds

kalim is the only one who thinks its a good idea to extend floyd an invite to the pop music club

like ace, also uses the type in your own answer function for evil. except he forgets what he writes all the time and it jumps back in his face

villagers be asking him a month later if his favourite hobby was “de-boning Blathers” and then saying they “should try it out themselves”

probably owns Saharah’s entire collection of mystery everything, and just like lilia he will run around and bury them on other peoples islands like some kinda hamster

another one that just pawns off stuff to his juniors, but instead of calling them gifts he straight up says he doesnt want it before handing them off

at least he’s honest LMAO

Kalim

his entire head is a radio that is constantly playing bubblegum k on loop

leaves stuff all over the place then forgets about it

when a villager gifts him something he will make sure to put it on or find a place for it to display right away

look at the cool leaf umbrella Pashmina gave him!!

personally vibes with the peppy villagers the most since they’re so upbeat. he tries his best to talk to Wendy every day

spends most of his bells on random furniture to place everywhere. his home storage has always been empty because he wants to display everything

he especially puts in extra work for the seasonal furniture but he’s constantly out of materials

runs circles around his villagers in greeting

takes advantage of the many reactions at his disposal. makes happy gestures at his villagers in greeting

he leaves fruit and picnic baskets all over the island in case his villagers wants to hold an impromptu party or have a lil snack

vending machines are a MUST

food is his love language! 

gifts too but you can only give one a day :(

gets super sad when his villagers dont want to repeatedly talk to him

puts nice lil messages into his friends notice boards and draws a lil stick figure of himself to accompany them

kalim mentioned one day that he would wear an entire line of clothes vil designed and vil puts a few of them on kalim’s island

kalim most enjoys it when his villagers wear vil’s designs because he can match with them! thanks vil :DD

hes always wearing a wetsuit underneath in case he wants to go for a dive

adores the little seal, he goes swimming often just to bump into him to give him scallops

sticks around after he hands over the scallops just to see the seal hold it

encourages his classmates to take lots of photos with him

only his fossil and art exhibits are full

(the art exhibit not really because he doesn’t know how to spot the counterfeit artworks)

he doesn’t want to take the sea creatures away from their home

this does not apply to the insects though. call him blathers’ comrade because he is a valiant knight in chasing away the bugs on jamil’s island

in exchange, jamil farms materials for kalim (why is he always short on softwood???)

Jamil

floyd breaks into his island to hit all of his villagers with nets

emphasizes with blathers because of the mutual hate for bugs

not appreciating ace making crappy renditions of jamil as blathers on the notice boards

steers clear of flick. that has got to be the freakiest thing hes ever met and hes had several conversations with rook hunt

he can take all the bugs tho, if jamil was brave enough to catch any

the lazy villagers are absolutely adorable and wholesome but jamil is sobbing on the inside. listen its nice that you want to share your fruit with your friends but u can do better than insects

if those six-legged devils are invading your space, sooner or later, you’ll be contracting the entire alphabet of hepatitis

drives all the smug villagers out of his island. he doesn’t want this negative energy in his safe haven

he keeps a few peppy villagers. he thought he would tire of them quickly, but sometimes u need a lil happy-go-lucky energy as a pick-me-up

lets kalim pillage all of the coconuts on his island for his coconut tree forest

silver’s favourite villager resides on jamils island and he asks all the time if he can come over to say hi to them

silver keeps telling him that Plucky reminds him of his dad because he also gives silver daily self-defence tips and sleeps hella late 

and u know what the more jamil hears of silvers father the more confused he gets. its hard to condense so many unrelated characteristics into a single personality, but apparently silver’s dad has it all

spends an ungodly amount of time in the able sisters and nooks cranny because the characters follow him around like little ducks and he likes the sound of their liddol footsteps

also very much appreciates all the authority he has on this island its the small semblance of control his virgo ass can get

he can legit tell a villager to move their house somewhere and they’ll agree with a smile

always treats his villagers with respect

has a strange obsession with fire. he places campfires and torches all over the place

will not rest until his island looks exactly the way he wants, down to the last detail

hella annoyed during island recruiting because he cannot pick his villagers, and everyone’s uniqueness is clashing with the aesthetic jamil was going for, now he has to change it

his favourite villagers are the normal personality ones, and if he could control the villagers that move in, he would have an island to Poppy and Bertha’s liking

another one of the cries when he receives letters from mom squad. shes just really sweet.

Vil

when Whitney moved on his island he got reminded of jack then took it back after getting to know her personality. ik it looks like a bad thing but its not, she grew on him very quick

not very fussy about his villagers, no matter how strange their designs are 

ik ur probably thinking “but some of them are so ugly”, yeah but vil lives with twink he-man tailing him every day

nah im joking its bc he talks to his villagers often and they’re so nice and vil Gets Attached Easily

besides, they love all the clothing and furniture vil gives them. vil can’t even get epel to appreciate his own looks, this is a certified W for vil

sometimes its the inside that matters most <3

while vil kind of still has a bit of celeb status in-game, it’s not over-the-top, so it feels extremely refreshing to be regarded as Just Vil

plus the close-knitted community in the island reminds vil of home. its nice

wishes his villagers were nicer to each other but there isn’t a scold option in the game >:( might report them to isabelle

makes it a mission to get rid of a cranky villager after seeing them be mean to Gala. Whitney is the only ‘mean’ one allowed here

dreaded inviting leona to his island for one reason and one reason only: he put his own designs into able sisters

please, Gala is wearing leopard print, this is a crime

made his own custom designs to fill leonas island with them. the third years stay beefing for eternity

(according to trey, leona camps on vils island waiting to snatch Gala up)

besides the weaponry potential he has, vil spends most of his talents on making really nice designs

rook loves to wax poetry on the artistry of vil’s mind & then he ends up creating more. it’s a continuous cycle of art appreciation <33

speaking of rook, he had gifted vil an amiibo card of Étoile telling him ‘a star for a star’ 

vil does a very bad job hiding his favour towards her

but he does let rook take any lion, tiger, or gorilla villagers off his island (sigh)

found the most enjoyment after one of leonas favourite villagers left and came to vils island, saying that they finally realized they deserved better💀   

but cater so graciously opened his mouth to dub Cheri as “leonas leftovers” and yeah, you can probably imagine how that turned out

Rook

the hunting instinct has Awoken

mans has every fish & bug & sea creature in the critterpedia

he did lots of island hopping to do so

need a tarantula? he’s got cages of them. they’re so fuzzy and fast and their eyes are so cute!

jamil has sworn off ever visiting rooks island. evidence of his hunting instinct are inescapable

unfortunately for jamil, rook is loud and proud about the fruits of his labour. invites everyone to come take a look at his island and museum

azul comes in frequently to take pictures in the aquarium

jade would be bonding with rook more over the hunt but, they started a bet over who gets the highest score in the fishing tourney so, no bonding today

(there was no competition to begin with since ruggie swept up the entire tourney anyways)

never fails to send each and every one of his villagers a personalized letter telling them how much he adores them

‘you look radiant when you’re asleep’ holds merit because some of his villagers do nap under the trees, but it’s a still a pretty unusual comment to receive

nevertheless, his villagers are very receptive to him and tend to send him many letters back

gets max friendship with so many villagers so quickly and for why?? he just wants their portrait to display in his house

theres a room full of portraits and really it looks more like a hitlist than a documentation of his journey of friendship

do not ask him to choose a favourite villager, for he finds beauty in them all. it is simply too cruel to ask him to pick just one

unleashes the voices in his head onto the bulletin boards

they are mostly love musings and occasional tiny drawings

some of the times they are helpful hunting tips!

idia claims that there was no need to inform his villagers about how to preserve the hide of a jaguar but you never know when his villagers need to defend themselves against The Unknown (no he will not elaborate)

camps on everyone’s island to take the villagers that are moving out

yes, it is a shame that they must leave monsieur magicam's island, but he too understands the calling of adventure. please, come join his island for a rest until the next island awaits :))

hosts bigger goodbye parties than kalim. rook would be a terrible island representative if he did not give a heartwarming farewell to his now former villager, oui?

their time spent together was enriching, but who is rook to stop them from pursuing another destination on their journey? people often forget that there is beauty in endings

Epel

also obsessively reset his island until he got a certain fruit

once he got his pears he traded them with jack for his apples

almost exclusively keeps his island in winter as it reminds him of harveston aww

not appreciating the comparisons to Apple

extremely not appreciating sebek putting her into an enclosure because he doesnt like the interior of her home

considering sebek partook in the comparisons to Apple, epel is now banishing any crocodile villagers to the furthest corner of his island. they can live in isolation😡

it really doesnt last long, he got attached to Gayle. like father like son fr

even funnier his favourite villager is Judy but he will tell everyone that its Boots

he also has the most fruit trees on his island out of everyone. ace raids epels island all the time to steal fruit and sell it off (mostly with permission, but theres always that one time without)

happily gave azul some tips on tree placement & how to display as much as possible bc this is his Expertise

cue the next week azul was constantly asking epel if he needed any furniture and epel finally named something he wanted

low and behold he got it in the mail and azul stopped pestering him

huh. his seniors are really nice, arent they? :D

vil made a regal little flag design for epels island that epel swore he would never use but it’s always there when vil visits

he absolutely keeps the tune rook composed though. it sounds like boss music #weballin

highkey adores the able sisters (especially sable) they’re so kind they remind him of his town’s elders 

his villagers constantly compliment him and give him clothes🥺

unlike with vil he will happily wear whatever cute shit his villagers give him, even if he prefers the cool stuff

like you said vil, charm & cuteness is a weapon and its one his villagers exploit heavily. he’s jotting down notes the next time he wants vils lessons to end sooner😏

diligent with his landscape you will never see a single weed anywhere

his tree stumps are intentional and his tree placement is all arranged nicely

takes up gardening too and is the second to get the gold roses, but it didn’t fit with his island, so he passed them off them to malleus instead

kindly takes off the flowers colonizing riddle’s island to put them in his

can we get a round of applause? for epel has every species of flower on his island !!

Idia

finally, a place where he is The Boss and people will respect him for it

ortho recommended this game to him so they can play together

(it was mostly to comfort him after his favourite ship didn’t become canon)

cried the first time his villagers gave him a compliment :((

When Audie tells him “I managed to make some awesome friends, like you, Idia!”, he understands now why ortho told him to download this game

sniffling through this game it’s so wholesome

ofc he knows the lore about Audie its why shes his favourite

idia decides to keep his island full of peppy villagers to suit the vibe, match the aesthetic, etc

the only exception to the personality rule is if theres a cat villager, then they’re forgiven for any and all crimes

(this is a trick question, for they can do no wrong)

memorizes his villagers’ preferred gifts bc they get nothing else but the best!

actually all of his custom designs are cosplays. his villagers wear his designs. hes leaked water over this game more than hes ever in his life

isabelles soft, cheerful energy is really what gets idia through his day. shes the perfect amounts of outgoing without being too overwhelming

many people often believe that vil is catty but idia is literally right There

hes a bitch and everyone knows it. its just super forgettable because theres so many other aspects of idias personality that overshadows his mean bitch energy

idia will specifically go to azuls domain just to insult his trees and the placement of his furniture

he approves of the yassified octavinelle outfit tho its very tasteful

judges people who don’t know super obscure details like why do you have to be a casual AND normal about the game pick a struggle >:(

makes little mods and tweaks to the game. he coded in that his villagers can lie down on the mats, hammocks, and on the beach

four updates in though, a bug occurred and his villagers roll around on the ground like how they do in beds

it was way too funny so idia kept it that way and didnt patch up the bug

if anyone passes by him in the halls they might hear him singing acnh tunes

absolutely evil. doxxing people (its ruggie) for trying to auction off Bob & kicking his feet and wiggling his toes while talking to Audie the next second

he finds out that ace really wants to get rid of Francine so yeah, idias making derogatory drawings of Francine on ace’s notice boards and sending him anti-Francine memes

nothing brings two people closer together more than mutual hatred they said

Ortho

he’s inviting all of the robot villagers and they are having a blast

is very supportive of Ketchup’s dreams to be a popstar! he regularly puts microphone stands near her house and gives her lots of sparkly clothing

hes a fan of all the duck villagers, really. their little beaks and happy faces :)

his favourite villager is Doc. no particular reason but ortho has always wanted a grandparent

plus Doc talks about comics and superheros and ortho will not miss an opportunity to nerd out (even though Doc’s opinions are very on the safe side. ortho thirsts for controversy)

once ortho visited riddle’s island and asked for Kid Cat if he moved out

riddle gave him a generous donation of flowers to send Kid Cat off with😭😭  

if idias skipping his 8 hours of sleep, ortho will make him do the stretches with the villagers (hes the reason why they're all out of sync)

technically ortho joins in but he doesnt exactly need any stretching

hacked the star fragment trees into his world. low risk, high reward!!

uses those trees to recreate the stargazer tree and designed his own starsending gear to go along with it☺️

shared the design with jack and invited him onto his island for a photoshoot

jack is amazed by the trees and says he cant wait until he can grow star fragment trees and ortho just smiles through it all

jack would be so disappointed to learn ortho got them in less than legal means

maybe he'll hack them onto his island in secret

also puts his own little mods in. he makes some custom design furniture and FINALLY PUTS THE FROG CHAIR IN

even adds some characters he wants and brings back the ruthless dialogue from the past AC games

personally makes an entire set of furniture that references his favourite movies (extra care is given to ones vil has starred in)

ortho’s playstyle is a lot less wholesome than idias because he likes a challenge

he made an entire DLC called animal crossing: survival island because he heard silver talking about it (probably works like minecraft hard mode)

put pride flag custom designs in the shop to wait for his villagers to come out :) 

after they “come out”, ortho makes a little backstory on it and gets idia to guess their stories. he’s got lore in this island now !!

fluent in the entire soundtrack. he makes the noises, hes downloaded the bgm

ortho wants an irl isabelle and he’s preparing a 70-slide powerpoint presentation to convince idia to get him a dog

kinda overkill since all ortho needs is to give him the puppy dog eyes

Malleus

for the sake of this hc lets say he at least knows the controls

confuses this game for pokemon and tries to “catch” his villagers with the net

gets confused when they get mad at him

hes very very amused by how normal his villagers treat him

these tiny little animals are cowering in fear by the thought of ghosts even though they are technically walking over bones of the dead

they gas him up so much for the tiniest things he does and if it were anyone else but these fluffy animals he would think it was belittlement

it feels like he’s important, not for his titles nor his accomplishments, but just because his animal friends love him

he can see why silver loves to talk to the birds now

when he’s on someone’s island he can lurk and be afk until he’s kicked off

has statues everywhere. he doesn’t really know how to pick them up after theyre put down so don’t mind the random statues by the airport

tries to put down as least furniture as possible bc of one too many incidents of him picking up the sidewalk instead of his fruit

anyone near him during this can add many ancient curses to their forbidden vocabulary👀👀

when his villagers threw a birthday party for him...

rumours say the valley of thorns was sunny for the first time that day!!

his favourite villager is Coco and he cherishes her with his life

he also has a certain favour towards crocodile villagers as well, namely Drago bc he shares the name of one of his tamagotchis

doesnt do much in this game but talk to his villagers

loves the night walks in the game because he can bump into two things Celeste, or Wisp

hes so intrigued by Celeste shes fr just chilling and living her best life looking at the stars. it reminds him of lilia

given lilia is way more devious so maybe not😔

Wisp is a lot less brave than any ghost hes met and malleus thinks hes adorable. he feels very guilty for frightening him all the time however

it felt so dehumanizing trying to catch a dragonfly he was pouting for weeks

highkey cannot drop the game because he left for a while and when he came back his villagers were wailing about how he left them alone for months

hes never leaving them alone again he doesnt want them to feel abandoned

Lilia

his name in the game is not lilia, oh no

his name is dad. he is now the proud father of 10 more children

11 counting isabelle

debates are still on the table of whether or not tom nook is a legitimate dignified son of lilias

he even has a time out corner for his naughty villagers

its just him barricading that villagers house

he did barricade resident services for a good 15 minutes before receiving an amiibo card from silver and he wanted to use it

favours the lazy villagers because they are a certain brand of adorable and they try to make friends with everyone

technically loves all his villagers but he always points out Kevin because he ‘looks very friendly’

had a big ass laugh after deuce compared Kevin’s smile to treys

when he’s on someones island he treats it like hide and seek. he will never be found

getting access to the custom design was fun for lillia, but not for anyone else

sometimes he throws down some eldritch horror, sometimes his outfits look like a glowstick exploded

his island is in permanent halloween mode 

buries random shit on other peoples islands. they dig it up thinking it’s a fossil and instead get mystery wallpaper, random stacks of clay, and random diys

call it an everyday egg hunt if you will

he has three rooms dedicated to kitchenware and is trying to (more like going to) find a way to cook smth nice for his villagers. its the least he could do as thanks

if not then he’ll just buy fruit baskets and hand them out to his villagers. he’s such an asian dad

doesnt bat in eye when his villagers knock up on his door and barge into his house

he's welcoming them with open arms. why of course Pudge you can sit on the ground and read ur book for as long as you want ^^

he'll be doing his own thing too #parallelplay or something idk

(on a side note, Pudge’s face is probably how every visitor on lilia’s island feels)

Silver

thought there were going to be more survival elements to the game since it starts with himself & a group of animals on some remote island 

as soon as the plane was hovering over the island, silver was ticking off potential water, food, & shelter sources

threw him for a loop when he found out how peaceful this game was. it’s pleasant :)

doesn’t stop him from valiantly chasing off the wasps and scorpions and fleas away from his villagers

don’t worry Lolly, you’re under silver’s protection now. nothing will hurt you :)

even though the threats in this game are minimal, silver keeps lights & campfires all over just for safety reasons

if his villagers end up lost, all they need to do is follow the light! and if they want some alone time, the fire can keep them safe & warm <3

he thinks Flick is adorable. has a shy little personality and likes to make art and bug friends (?) 

constantly supports Flick by giving him bugs for commissions. everyone deserves the chance to follow their dreams :)

peacefully picking seashells on the beach while sebek is scaring away all of the fish

really fond of the zodiac furniture. he wants to collect them all

he makes around 100 wishes every time. just lays his console down and presses A

thinks celeste is very sweet. sad that she doesnt visit often

certified photographer. he takes a lot of pictures with his villagers because he’s just. so happy they like his island, they like each other, it’s such a wholesome atmosphere

cater and silver have a shared magicam account dedicated to their pics it’s very cute and the followers mostly consist of savanaclaw and diasomnia members 

loves seeing his villagers interact with each other. their conversations are so cute, they visit each others homes!! bros gonna sink into his mattress and flood it with tears

do not underestimate him, even if it is most likely made up, silver will become fluent in the Language of the Coded Animals

he will not curse but the animal noises are the closest he’ll get if he ever chooses to

all of his villagers get a royalty treatment. silver's residents are the most spoiled residents ever

fills his notice boards with drawings of his villagers saying nice things, like reminding him to drink water, or to hug his friends

at the same time he also puts in survival tips just like how lilia raised him. its a very contrasting mix of messages

Sebek

even online he is Too Much

sprints everywhere and wonders why all the bugs and fish flee

hes got places to be and no amount of time to waste

his home interior is a lot like diasomnia but bro do not let him get ahold of the custom designs

im sure hes a really good artist but anyone who's tried operating the custom designs knows that it zaps any artistic skill you've ever learned

traditional art? fucking amazing. acnh art? now ur kid with a purple crayon

stick figures. drawing the diasomnifam does not work. theres 4 stick figures. one has horns, one has bat wings, ones surrounded by animals, and one is Just Green.

his priorities shifted to practicing custom design until he mastered it

does not take commissions. if he ever bestows a custom design onto someone, its a sign of sebek’s approval/respect of them

hes very committed to the aesthetic. hes terraforming his island every single week based on his current mood (bros going thru it)

competes with silver for every kind of grading they get (happy home academy, island rating, etc)

this is what motivates him to come back and play

dont be mistaken either this is not one-sided. mutual rivalry is the best way to keep the other improving !!

hoards all of the holiday materials to make the diys that he doesnt have or collect

personally having the maddest beef with the snowboys bc one accidental nudge of a snowball resulted in them insulting sebek’s snowmen-building competence

sebek obviously does better the next time, but then the snowboys are just so egotistic for no reason. all they did was sit there and get built, they could never measure up to his master malleus, or lilia

by the third run-in with the snowboys, he just opts to crush or drown the snowballs. the winter DIYs weren’t worth the effort

the fued w/ one Ace Trappola has not ended since the day he got the console because they wanted the same villager and started fighting over Agnes’ amiibo card

amiibo cards can be used multiple times and clearly they both do not know this

probably the only one out of the cast to actually use the 'ask blathers' feature

the owl is a very dutiful and knowledgeable curator. sebek believes he can learn much from him

only thing to complain about is how often blathers is asleep during the day. if blathers were a retainer he most certainly would not make the cut.

[shotbyshe]

Words of the Day

begat / beget / begot:

Begat is the simple past of beget.

An element of a lineage, especially of a lineage given in the Bible.

To produce (offspring) by sexual reproduction. Used especially of a man.

To cause to exist or occur; produce.

To procreate, as a father or sire; to generate; -- commonly said of the father.

aspersion:

A false or damaging accusation or insinuation.

The act of slandering or libeling; defaming.

A sprinkling, especially with holy water.

An attack on somebody's reputation or good name, often in the phrase to 'cast aspersions upon'.

An abusive attack on a person's character or good name.

cui bono:

Utility, advantage, or self-interest considered as the determinant of value or motivation.

The principle that the ultimate initiator of an action is likely he who stands to gain from the action.

Layman: who stands, or stood, to gain (from a crime, and so might have been responsible for it)?

carte blanche:

Unrestricted power to act at one's own discretion; unconditional authority.

Unlimited discretionary power to act; unrestricted authority.

Complete freedom or authority to act.

à la carte:

With a separate price for each item on the menu.

Allowing selection from a fixed list of individually priced options shown on the menu.

(of a restaurant meal) having unlimited choices with a separate price for each item.

kratocracy:

Might makes right

"Might makes right" or "Might is right" is an aphorism on the origin of morality, with both descriptive and prescriptive senses. Descriptively, it asserts that a society's view of right and wrong is determined by those in power, with a meaning similar to "History is written by the victors".

Kratocracy, (from the Greek κρατερός krateros, meaning "strong"), is [...] government by those who are strong enough to seize power through force.

~~~

I discovered a retired YouTuber this week. She clearly gave up on the site (like I want to do). I'm glad that she was there though (which is part of the reason I haven't left). {I still feel like there are people who look forward to my content. They never talk to me though, so if I left I still wouldn't feel that bad.} Anyway, the retired YouTuber made EXCEPTIONAL short films about black woman empowerment (BWE) -- apparently this is a thing on YouTube. Now that I am back there I'm noticing how different and segregated it is now -- and I wish she was still around.

Women in the BWE space use these words to describe black men's behavior in romantic relationships. This is not something I've ever been a part of because I don't do those things, however, listening to these women and their stories, viewpoint, etc is very entertaining. Aside from validating why I was never in that space to begin with, I find it fascinating that they use these French and Latin words to describe these men's actions. Instead of simply saying "these men just do whatever they want, with no consequences" they say:

"They go about their marriage 'carte blanche' and pick women 'a la carte'"

"If they ran the government it wouldn't be a republic or a democracy, it would be a 'kratocrazy'" (I would call it a kakistocracy, but that's me)

"Everywhere they go, whether with black woman or their preference, they 'beget' another kid that they refuse to support"

"When they create all these broken homes, 'cui bono?' Not their kids, not their wives, not even them, but they don't see it that way".

It's quite alluring.

At least to a word nerd like me.

~~~

"You don't gotta cast 'aspersions' at me, guy". I love Casey Affleck's voice.

[robininthelabyrinth]

I love your Nie brothers content, all of it, but there is so little written about the friendship between Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian! We know they were friends in Cloud Recesses, but it's never explored how these genius guys, even if one is focused on magical inovations and the other on strategy and politics, got on. Something which shows how well they got each other would be great

1

Wei Wuxian’s fist trembled. How dare he – worthless peacock – my shijie..!

But before he could throw a punch, he saw a swirl of white – Lan Wangji, sweeping forward with a face like a graveyard, and Nie Huaisang cringing in his shadow – and suddenly he realized that he didn’t need to punch Jin Zixuan.

Speaking of others behind their backs is forbidden.

Sneering without reason is forbidden.

Arrogance is forbidden.

Do not be haughty and complacent.

Do not praise yourself and slander others.

Do not make assumptions about others.

Do not insult people.

Do not take your words lightly.

Wei Wuxian grinned with teeth. “Hey, Lan Zhan!” he sang out, and Jin Zixuan blanched. “Perfect timing!”

Later, after he’d laughed himself sick at Jin Zixuan’s punishment – humiliatingly perfect – and making his appreciation very clear to Lan Wangji, he went to go find Nie Huaisang.

“When did you go get Lan Zhan?” he asked, honestly curious. He hadn’t known he was going to get into a fight until he was there and it was happening, but Nie Huaisang, of all people, had apparently figured out what was going to happen before it happened and took steps to fix it.

“The second they started talking about girls,” Nie Huaisang said promptly. “It’s fairly obvious that Jin Zixuan is resentful of his parents managing his life and he’s lashing out at everything, including specifically your shijie, so a nasty comment was inevitable.”

Wei Wuxian blinked, derailed from his original line of questioning. “He – what? Wait, that’s why he’s so rude about my shijie?”

“Of course,” Nie Huaisang said, blinking back at him. “What did you think? That he just didn’t like her? He’s barely even met her.”

Wei Wuxian hadn’t thought about that way, but it made a certain amount of sense. “When did you get so good at reading people?” he asked, bemused. “I didn’t…uh…”

“Think I have any skills?”

Wei Wuxian coughed.

“I don’t!” Nie Huaisang beamed, clearly very proud of it. “But I do have a lot of expensive hobbies, and that means I need pocket money.”

Wei Wuxian wasn’t sure he understood the connection, and said as much.

Nie Huaisang laughed at him. “The Nie sect believes in self-sufficiency,” he explained. “My brother gives me a certain amount of money to spend, sure, but we’re not the Jin sect; I can’t just buy everything that I lay my eyes on and send the bill back home – my brother would break my legs! I’m expected to find a way to increase the money I get until it’s enough to cover both my needs and wants, necessities and luxuries both, and if I can’t, then I have to do without luxuries.”

Nie Huaisang has never, not once, in the entire few months Wei Wuxian spent in his company, done without luxuries.

“So,” Wei Wuxian said, feeling oddly unnerved and unsure why, “you learned how to read people because you want to act like…a merchant?”

Nie Huaisang lightly tapped his head with his fan, rolling his eyes at him. “Stop being such a landed gentry young master, Wei-xiong. There’s nothing wrong with trade! How much of your sect’s money comes from merchants interested in keeping their trade routes free of resentful energy?”

Wei Wuxian wrinkled his nose a little. “That’s cheapening it a bit, don’t you think? As cultivators, it’s our duty to stand up as heroes, to defend the innocent and defeat evil, to purify –”

“Right, right. Remind me again how the Jiang sect pays for all that pretty purple?”

“Well…I mean…”

Technically, yes, there were all the dye sellers and the fabric merchants, but…

Nie Huaisang was laughing at him.

“Don’t worry about it, Wei-xiong,” he said, wiping his eyes. “You stick to doing your own thing. If you ever need to sell anything, come to me.”

“Of course,” Wei Wuxian said, privately thinking to himself that he’d rather farm for crops than become a seller hawking his goods in the marketplace. “Hey, wait, what is it that you sell, anyway?”

Nie Huaisang sniggered and refused to tell him.

2

It was porn.

Also barbeque and liquor, although in that case Nie Huaisang mostly played the middleman between the vendors of Caiyi Town and the students stuck eating Lan vegetables.

Sometimes he could even be convinced to tug on his contacts for other things, too.

“You’re a true friend,” Wei Wuxian said, clutching the bottle of chili sauce to his chest. “A true and wonderful friend.”

“You still have to pay,” Nie Huaisang said, his eyes curving up behind his fan. “No discounts.”

“A ruthless, vicious, cut-throat friend…”

“I lend you the porn for free, don’t I?

“Wonderful! Wonderful friend!”

3

No matter what Jiang Cheng said, Wei Wuxian was trying to keep his head down during their time at the indoctrination camp. He was taking this whole thing very seriously: he wasn’t making a fuss (too much), he wasn’t being insulting (too much), he wasn’t even socializing (too much).

Lan Wangji didn’t count, anyway; after what had happened to him, he needed someone bothering him.

But Wei Wuxian was being good and keeping back from the rest!

Well, he was, except then he saw Nie Huaisang and just had to go over to say hello. It was only polite, and had nothing to do with the fact that during the months he spent at the Cloud Recesses, he’d learned that Nie Huaisang could sell anyone on anything.

“I don’t suppose you have contacts that will sell you barbeque here,” Wei Wuxian said as a greeting, because the food they’d received was frankly disgusting in a way that made him wistful for the Lan sect like it had been a gourmet restaurant.

“Well,” Nie Huaisang hedged, and Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows shot up. “Don’t get too excited, it’s not barbeque…”

It was meat, though, chunks of that had probably been roasted as skewers at one point, and Wei Wuxian didn’t even care that it was cold as he scarfed it down, immediately feeling ten times better than he’d been before.

“Where?” he asked. “How?”

“There’ll be a surprise inspection tomorrow morning,” Nie Huaisang said instead. “Keep your head down, they’re looking to make an example out of somebody.”

“How do you know that?”

Nie Huaisang shrugged. “I brought art.”

“To the indoctrination camp?”

“Wen soldiers get lonely and bored too, Wei-xiong.”

“You’re trading for information using porn?”

“Don’t be silly. I’m trading porn for meat, and getting the information while we’re chatting. A large number of the Wen sect cultivators used to be their own sects, you know, before they were absorbed, and not all of them are happy about what’s going on here. You just have to figure out who the loyalists are, avoid them, and focus on the rest, and it’s easy.”

“I still can’t believe you brought porn to the Wen sect,” Wei Wuxian said, shaking his head. “What’ll you do if your brother finds out?”

“You’re joking, right? He helped me pack it.”

Wei Wuxian will never understand the Nie sect.

4

Wei Wuxian stared wordlessly at his bowl.

There was a single slice of radish in it.

“Is this a joke?” he asked Wen Qing, because it might be, and she glared at him, meaning that no, it was not. “Don’t we have anything else?”

“With what money, Wen-gongzi? Do you think it comes from thin air?”

“I had a friend once who could make it come out of thin air,” he grumbled, looking down at his bowl. He’d practiced inedia, he didn’t need it, except for the fact that he really, really did. Not having a golden core made things hard. “He could’ve sold fish to fishermen, except he mostly just sold porn.”

Wen Qing rolled her eyes at him. “Wonderful story, Wei-gongzi. Positively heartwarming. But unless your old erotic art dealer is going to come to Yiling to help us sell some radishes, I don’t care.”

Naturally, that was impossible. Wei Wuxian was a villain now, his name blackened, the whole cultivation world against him –

Actually, as far as he could tell, the Nie sect didn’t seem to give a damn about him one way or another. From all the stories Nie Huaisang had told about his brother and from everything he’d seen in the war, Nie Mingjue wasn’t the sort of person to let evil sit around on a mountain while he was busy with other things – if he objected, he’d be there the next day with his saber, ready to put him in his place.

He hadn’t, obviously.

His hatred of the Wen sect was pretty well-known, but he’d taken no action at all to invade Yiling and demand that Wei Wuxian hand them over, and Wei Wuxian was mostly sure that it wasn’t because he was scared of what Wei Wuxian could do with the Stygian Tiger Seal.

…it was probably just the hunger getting to him and making him think crazy things. Not caring enough to go against him was pretty far from supporting him, after all.

But, hey, he wouldn’t be risking anything if he just wrote a tiny little letter asking Nie Huaisang for some advice on selling things, right?

I never thought I’d see the day my Wei-xiong finally became a merchant, the return letter said. I’ll be there in three days. I expect to see liquor.

Wei Wuxian took Wen Ning down the mountain and stood on his shoulders in order to emancipate a jar from the local tavern, but by the time Nie Huaisang arrived, there was, in fact, liquor.

Even Wen Qing – who had opposed the entire outing once she had heard about it upon their return – suddenly thought it was a perfectly reasonable sort of theft when Nie Huaisang offered to trade a giant crate full of meat for it.

“We had some leftovers from a boar hunt,” Nie Huaisang said mournfully, accepting the liquor and a bowl of radishes. “I need variety, Wei-gongzi, it’s terrible. You have to help me get rid of it; I can’t stand to look at it any longer.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Wei Wuxian reminded him in between glorious bites of pork. He was going to be a very good friend and do his best to ensure that Nie Huaisang’s request was fulfilled, even if it meant taking seconds and possibly thirds. “I asked for advice, not a visit.”

“You can’t expect me to put my good name on what could be inferior goods,” Nie Huaisang sniffed.

“Your good name? The one known for porn, you mean?”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes at him. “So show me what you have to sell.”

“It’s mostly just the radishes,” Wei Wuxian said. “I tried to tell Wen Qing that we should plant potatoes, but –”

“Forget the radishes,” Nie Huaisang said. “What’s this I hear about you designing a compass that pinpoints resentful energy?”

“Oh, that?” Wei Wuxian said, blinking. “Yeah, I made one of those – the Burial Mounds is the biggest source of resentful energy around, and it’s easier to have a compass that points home instead of north, you know? But what does that have to do with selling radishes?”

“Wei-xiong, you’re hopeless. Leave it all to me, and you’ll have your sect up and running in no time.”

“Yeah, that would be – wait, sect? What sect?”

“Actually,” Nie Huaisang said, tapping his fan against his cheek. He was just plain old ignoring Wei Wuxian now, which, hey! “I take it back – before you leave everything to me, show me what other ideas you’ve been cooking up. What about those talismans you used during the war? The spirit-drawing ones?”

“Spirit summoning,” Wei Wuxian corrected.

“Yes, those. Have you improved on those at all?”

“Uh, I mean, I guess…”

“Good. Show me everything.”

5

“So I have a sect now,” Wei Wuxian told Lan Wangji, who had come to visit. “We sell things to support it. Apparently.”

Lan Wangji nodded, apparently already aware of this. “The clan elders have agreed that using your flags to draw fierce corpses and other creatures away from areas with innocent human lives is an acceptable use.”

“Even the Lan sect?” Wei Wuxian marveled. “No wonder we’re making so much money.”

Then he sighed.

Lan Wangji looked questioningly at him.

“Well, I have a sect now,” Wei Wuxian said. “Everyone’s expecting me to – you know. Form the core of the sect.”

“Marry,” Lan Wangji concluded. Possibly advised? No, that didn’t sound like he was urging him to go ahead, which made a total of one person. “You do not have to if you do not wish. You already have an heir.”

“A-Yuan’s too young to be a proper heir,” Wei Wuxian objected, though he was secretly gleeful that people were generally accepting him as one. “And obviously I can’t just pick anyone; how will I know if they’re a spy? Or if they’ll secretly dislike A-Yuan?” He sighed again. “The worst part is, I think Nie Huaisang is plotting against me, too.”

“Plotting?”

“Yeah! He’s encouraging people to ask me about marriage, when clearly it’s better for me to stay off the market…what about you, Lan Zhan? Are you planning on marrying?”

“No,” Lan Wangji said.

“We’ll be a bunch of old bachelors, then,” Wei Wuxian said. “You should come more often, A-Yuan loves you…hey! I have a great idea! Why don’t we get married? Then no one will bother us ever again!”

“Mm,” Lan Wangji said.

“Mm? What does that mean?”

“It means I will need to send Nie Huaisang his payment in the morning,” Lan Wangji said, and moved to sit next to Wei Wuxian.

“Payment? You bought something from him? What did you want to –”

Lan Wangji silenced him pretty effectively, no spell necessary, and by the time Wei Wuxian retained enough ability to think through what exactly the purchase must have been, he’d already been converted to thinking that it was a very intelligent purchase to make.

Nie Huaisang really could sell anything.

[starshine583]

New Girl on the Block (10)

(New update coming in and things are getting heated!!! I wonder how our lovely little group’s gonna handle it??)

Ch.1 / Ch.9 / Ch. 11

Chapter 10: Adrenaline Rush

Possible Schools:

Rosemary High

Skyline Academy

Angelwood Institute

Liberty High

Summerfield Academy

Clearwater Institute

A sigh passed through Adrien’s lips as he crossed out the last name on his list, matching it with the other failed attempts. He just didn’t understand. Why was it so hard to find Marinette’s school? All he needed to do was search for high schools in the area and ask the students at each school whether she attended or not. It seemed simple enough at the time, but now another week and a half has gone by, and he’s no closer to finding her than he was two weeks ago when he asked for her school name as Chat Noir. 

Adrien set his pencil down and rubbed a hand over his face. He could have sworn she said ‘Rosemary’ last time they talked, but that blonde guy insisted that there weren’t any new students there. Maybe he just hadn’t met her yet? No, that didn’t make any sense. School had already started by then. Adrien assumed the guy would notice if he suddenly had a new classmate. 

Ugh. If only he could visit her again.. Between patrol with his lady, akuma attacks, homework, and photoshoots, going out as Chat Noir to see Marinette was nearly impossible. He really needed to have a talk with Nathalie about getting more free time.

“Alya, Marinette is killing me!” 

Adrien glanced up from his paper- That’s right, he’s supposed to be working on his own school right now -just in time to see Lila wiping fake tears from her eyes as she walked into the classroom. Although they still had a good five or ten minutes before class started, she was the only who wasn’t currently seated at her desk, and judging by her greeting, Adrien was going to assume that she entered last on purpose.

“What!” Alya gasped, standing up from her desk to meet Lila halfway. “What did she do now?”

Lila sniffed and accepted the comforting hug that Alya offered. “She’s been sending me awful messages all week! Telling me she hates me and insulting me and that I should’ve just stayed in Italy where I belonged.”

Adrien shifted in his seat to hear the conversation better, a frown tugging at the corner of his lips. Another scheme to slander Marinette’s good name.. Why did Lila still feel the need to lie about her? The ravenette was gone, completely transferred to another school, too far to even breath about Lila’s fabrications. There was no reason to turn their classmates further against her. (if that was even possible at this point)

“She told you what?!” Alya blanched, pulling back to grab Lila’s shoulders. “I can’t believe her! wasn’t sabotaging the forms you needed to be class president enough? Why can’t she leave you alone!”

Adrien resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Now that lie had a reason to it. He knew first hand how thick those stacks of forms can be since he’s helped Marinette carry them a few times, and Lila was obviously too lazy or too unqualified (or both) to sift through all of that mess by herself. What Adrien didn’t understand about the lie, though, was why she had to drag Marinette into it. Again. Why not lie about feeling unwell? Or simply ask for time to adjust to the role that had practically been dumped onto her? Any of those excuses would not only have been easier to say, as they didn’t involve anyone but herself, but they probably would have been accepted just as wholly. So why? It was as though Marinette became a crutch for Lila, which he supposed made sense. Building onto a widely accepted lie would be much simpler than creating a million small lies, but it certainly came with a risk. For example, if Adrien were to, say, kick that crutch right out from under her, she would probably flounder around on the floor with no way to get back up again. 

This left Adrien with another important question: How was he going to do it? So far, his friends have been sticking to her like glue and taking in her words like they were given directly from the Bible. On top of that, Alya seems to have become Lila’s official guard dog. How was he supposed to work around that? Adrien couldn’t confront the brunette publicly, because Marinette was proof that that never ended well, and confronting Lila privately didn’t help either, because she would only blow him off again. No, he needed to focus on outing her to his classmates directly, but he also needed to be subtle about it. Which meant..

Which meant he’d have to beat her at her own game.

“That’s crazy!” Adrien piped up, plastering on a surprised and disgusted expression. “Can I see the texts?”

Lila and Alya turned to him, both equally shocked by his comment. He normally kept to himself during conversations about Marinette.

“Oh..” Lila blinked, gathering her thoughts. “I mean, of course! It’s just that.. they’re quite personal, you know.. She said some things that were close to home..”

“We completely understand.” Alya assured. 

“Completely,” Adrien agreed, “which is why I want to see how bad it is. Those texts can be considered harassment if you don’t feel safe.”

Alya frowned at him, but a spark arose in Lila’s eyes, one that was no doubt fueled by the thought of getting Marinette into trouble with the law. Adrien would never understand the hatred that Lila harbored for the ravenette, but he definitely knew how to use it to his advantage.

“Oh, I wouldn’t want her to get in trouble!” The brunette said with feigned concern. “But.. if you think it will help..”

She made a show of tentatively pulling out her phone and handing it to Adrien. He wasted no time snatching it from her hands and pulling up the texting app. If she was giving him the phone, she most likely had a series of fake texts to back up her story. (and they would be fake. Marinette was too nice to outwardly insult or bully others. Besides, she wouldn’t have the time even if she wanted to, what with her new school, homework, and fashion designs that she needed to tend to.)

Sure enough, he found messages upon messages of insults under the contact name “Marinette”. Things like “You’re only a model because of Gabriel’s pity and charity programs”, “You made our school’s reputation so pathetic that I had to leave”, and “They’ll find out soon that you’re too stupid to be a decent class rep.” were only the tip of the iceberg. Adrien noted the fact that there weren’t any comments about Lila’s looks specifically- she probably couldn’t think of any insults like that herself, since she was obviously so fashionable -but other than, the texts appeared to be authentic.

That is, except for the phone number.

Adrien slid further into his desk and pulled out his own phone to unlock it. A swift comparison between the two contacts proved not only that they had different phone numbers for Marinette, but that the phone number used for the harassing texts was actually the phone number that Adrien had for Lila. She must have texted herself, then deleted the doubles to make it look like a regular conversation between two people. Adrien had to hand it to her, it was a clever set-up. 

But not clever enough.

“Wow, this is awful.” Adrien declared, ensuring that both girls along with a few of their other classmates could hear him. “I’m going to text Marinette about this right now. Do you mind if I copy the number from your phone to text her, though? Some of my contacts got deleted a while back.”

Lila’s eyes widened, and panic briefly flickered across her features. 

“O-Oh, um- you really don’t have to do that-” She tried to say as she reached for her phone. 

Adrien pulled it back up with a smile. “Oh, but I want to! We can’t let Marinette get away with things like this.”

“Yeah, he’s right!” Alya eagerly agreed. “Let him talk to her. That should really pack a punch for Marinette.”

Although the comment was a bit odd, Adrien nodded along, because as long as Alya was on his side, this plan should work perfectly. 

“I’m typing in the number to call right now.” He announced, quickly punching in each digit. His only regret in that moment was that he couldn’t see Lila’s expression as he got closer to ‘accidentally’ outing her. However, the sheer panic in her voice was still enough to make his smile widen to a grin.

“No, you can’t!” She nearly shrieked, lunging over Adrien for her phone. If the class’ eyes weren’t on them before, they definitely were now. 

“Don’t worry, Lila.” Adrien said innocently as he pressed ‘call’ on the number. “I won’t tell her that you gave me her number.”

As expected, Lila’s phone immediately began to ring. He watched as the blood drained from her features, and she scrambled to turn off the device before it could finish the first ring. It was a decent move, in his opinion, but that didn’t stop the class from staring at her with a mix of surprise, suspicion, and curiosity.

“What was that?” Alya asked, leaning forward to help Lila get off of Adrien, “Was your phone ringing?”

“No, no! It was- uhm -” Lila let out a nervous, little laugh.  It’d been so long since she had to fight for her lies to stick that she must have forgotten how to lie on the spot. What a shame.

“That was just a small sound my phone makes when it turns off.” She blurted out. “I must have forgotten to charge it last night.”

Adrien pressed “end” on his call- because obviously he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Lila’s phone off -and glanced around the classroom to gauge their reactions. Those closest to the conversation were warily watching the scene unfold with furrowed eyebrows, doubt clear on their expressions. The farther ones, however, nodded along with what Lila was saying. They probably hadn’t heard most of the conversation beforehand and therefore had no reason to question her. 

“Oh,” Alya said, accepting the bullcrap answer as always, “that’s not good. Do you want to use my charger in case you need your phone later?”

Lila offered a sweet smile, stray bits of her confidence floating back to her due to Alya’s reassurance. “Ah, I’m fine. I wouldn’t want to trouble you or anythi-”

A soft rumbling shook the ground, causing the Italian girl to trail off. Adrien turned to the window, his breath catching in his throat as his thumb instinctively brushed over his ring. Was now really the best time?

In the distance, a cloud of dust was rising into the air. He’d seen enough- and done enough -to know that only the mass destruction of buildings could create such a cloud, and the mayor hadn’t informed them of any pre-planned constructions.

“Yes!” Alya cheered, leaping down the classroom steps. Leave it to her to be the only one excited about another akuma attack. “Finally!  It feels like we haven’t had an akuma in weeks!”

“Alya, wait!” Nino called after her. He always hated her little escapades. 

“Don’t worry,” Adrien said as he stood up, “I’ll take care of her.”

Right after I take care of the akuma.

~~~~~~~~

The little hands of Felix’s black wrist watch ticked away well past 12:30, reminding him of his frustrating failure to set a timer for their lunch period. How could he have forgotten? The notion had to be ingrained into his muscle memory by now. Get up, go to school, burn through the first few classes, set a timer to not waste time, and go to lunch. How did it slip his mind?

“I can’t believe I didn’t ask this sooner,” Allegra remarked as they exited the café, “but what happened to your guys’ faces? I’m pretty sure they weren’t that red before.”

Felix glanced towards Claude and Marinette, the excuse to his forgetfulness finally returning. He’d been in the middle of setting the alarm when he saw their tomato-colored faces in front of the Chemistry lab. The sight must have been enough to throw away all thoughts of setting his alarm as he asked what happened. Nevertheless, Felix still had time to copy down some notes before his next class, and that would suit him just fine for today.

“Oh, man, how have I not told you yet?” Claude snorted. “It was hilarious!”

Marinette let out a light, yet playful scoff next to him. “Define ‘hilarious’.”

The group shared a small chuckle, and Claude jumped into the story of how they- well, how he spilled their chemicals in class. It surely couldn’t have been as interesting as the brunette let on, but Claude always loved to be dramatic. He made voices for Marinette’s comments- which she jokingly took offence towards due to the unrealistically high pitch -and flailed his arms about while explaining how he poured the chemicals into a bag and mixed them. Claude even made a point to throw out his arms while mimicking the sound of an explosion when he got to the part of the story where the chemicals overflowed.

One of those arms happened to smack Felix in the shoulder, which easily brought a glare out of the blonde. If Claude was this energetic now, there was no telling how bad he was going to be during Allegra’s sleepover. In fact, the whole group was probably going to go overboard. Something about sleepovers tended to bring out the most outgoing side of a person, which was why Felix loathed them. He had to sit there and listen to everyone snort and laugh and be loud the entire evening without the comfort that he might be able to leave within an hour or two. It was torture, simply put.

And yet, he decided to go. All for the ludicrous thought that he might be able to ask Marinette more questions about her relations to Agreste and her old school once- or if -the night provided them a moment of privacy. The motivation itself was outright foolish if he were honest with himself. Even if he did acquire a “decent moment” to bring up the subject, she would most likely be uncomfortable talking about it, and dragging a person through the past that they’re deliberately trying to run from isn’t pleasant for anyone involved. That’s why he’s refrained from asking about it again so far.

Felix needed to find some other way to sedate his curiosity towards her. He did.. But how else was he going to find out why an aspiring fashion designer would run from the supposed affections of a top designer’s son? Felix guessed that it might be something like sexual harassment or another, equally disgusting treachery, but then what about the chest of gifts? Where her affections for the model had been clear? What type of fallout must one have with another person to risk their entire dream career just to escape them?

Felix shook his head slightly to push the thoughts out of his mind. He wasn’t going to barrage Marinette with question after question just to stop his mind from constantly turning when it probably wouldn’t stop anyway. Marinette was Marinette. A classmate of his that was kind, clumsy yet capable, overly-generous, determined, weirdly strong for someone of her stature, and a mystery in more ways than one when it came to the life she lived. That was going to have to be enough for him.

“You should have seen it, Allegra.” Claude said with a grin, pulling Felix back to the present. He’d somewhat forgotten that the brunette was even talking.

“It was like the whole bag of Phenol Red just went-”

A large crash erupted to the left of them, followed by a strong gust of wind that pushed them all off of their feet. Felix hit the pavement with a grunt, and Marinette landed on top of him a second later, sucking the rest of the air from his lungs. Screams pierced the air, disorienting him further- why were they screaming? What made the crash? How did it create enough wind to knock them over? -but Marinette sat up immediately. She turned to the source of the crash, tense and ready, as though she already knew what they were dealing with, and Felix couldn’t be more confused. Why did she look like she was about to fight something? (And why did he feel like she would win?)

“Do not be afraid!” A voice yelled over the crowds, drawing Felix’s gaze to a woman standing a few yards away from them. She was dressed in dark and light blues, save for her white elbow-length cloak and her white skirt that appeared to be split into several different pieces of cloth. “I’ve come to help! Not just you, but the world!”

Felix’s eyes widened, an entirely new form of terror taking hold of his body. This wasn’t.. This couldn’t be an akuma, right? She looked different than the ones he’d seen on the news, more human. If it weren’t for her white and dark blue mask and the large fan in her hands that seemed to be controlling the wind, he would have thought that she was a normal civilian merely passing by. 

“Our planets have been spoiled by the bigger companies for too long!” The woman continued, even though people ran as she spoke. “It’s time we take matters into our own hands!”

His mind screamed at him to run, to hide, to move, but he couldn’t. His entire being was cemented to the spot in fear of what might happen next. What if this akuma was dangerous? What if her powers possessed people like that Pharaoh themed villain? Or completely killed them like Stoneheart or TimeTagger? Were they going to be her first victims? What if it-

A harsh tug interrupted his reeling thoughts, and suddenly, Felix was back on his feet and running. Running behind Marinette who was pulling them to safety. 

“Hurry up, we don’t have much time!” She quietly called over her shoulder. “Let’s hide behind the wooden fence while she’s distracted.”

Felix had enough sense to look ahead of them, where a small, wooden fence that held the cafe’s menu was placed. It wasn’t hard to notice under normal circumstances, but how did Marinette think of hiding there while the akuma was right behind them? How was she not paralyzed by the very idea of being caught?

“I’m going to destroy some stores around here, but only to get the heroes’ attention!” The akuma explained as the group scrambled passed the fence and pressed their backs against the wood. “Once I have the miraculous, I will restore everything to its rightful place, I promise!”

Felix tried to slow his rapid, shallow breaths as he sank further against the fence. She was going to destroy buildings? How many? Were they going to get hit with the debris? Where were the heroes that he’d heard so much about? Shouldn’t they be doing something about all of this?

“What do we do?” Claude whispered, panic clear in his tone as well. None of them had ever seen an akuma attack before. Well, none of them except Allan, but he’d been watching through a store window a safe distance away.

“Should we call the police?” Allegra nearly squeaked, tentatively reaching for her bag to pull out her phone. “They help with stuff like this too, right?”

“No need.” Marinette said. She was on the left side of Felix now, staying close to the edge of the fence and carefully peeking around it. “The police have akuma alerts on their phones to tell them when attacks happen. They're already on their way, I’m sure.”

Felix stared down at her with furrowed eyebrows, completely baffled by the lack of panic in her demeanor. This was the same girl who stumbled and stuttered to ask him for a pencil during class! Yet here she was, taking charge and giving orders and speaking perfectly. It was like she was a completely different person! How was that even possible? 

“Alright,” The ravenette spoke, turning back to them with a deathly serious gaze, “I’m going to run out and get her attention. While I’m doing that, you guys need to run as far away from here as you can and find a good basement to hide in until this is over.”

“What?” The group practically gasped in unison. She wanted to face the akuma alone?!

“Marinette, you’re not going anywhere!” Allegra insisted. “It’s not safe out there!”

“It’s less safe if we stay here.” She replied, moving to step out into the open.

Felix grabbed her wrist to yank her back. What was happening right now? 

“Are you insane?” He hissed unintentionally. “You can’t go out there! You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“Yeah, she’s not after us.” Allan agreed. “Only the buildings. Let’s just all run out of here together.”

Marinette glanced back at the group. “But there are still people in those buildings. I need to lure her to an empty street or at least stall until the heroes get here. If I don’t, people are definitely going to get hurt or worse.”

Felix’s grip on Marinette’s wrist tightened. He hadn’t thought about the crowds of people who were running inside for cover, but even so, what would she be able to do alone? The akuma was a powerful being, and they were merely civilians in the crossfire. What’s stopping it from crushing Marinette beneath its boot at the slightest whim? Who’s to say the akuma would even listen to Marinette if she did get its attention?

“We’re not letting you sacrifice yourself for an extra second of time.” He told her. “Like you said, the police are on their way, which means the heroes will be here soon too. Let them handle it.”

A strange mix of urgency and frustration flickered across her features, and she tugged against his grip. “Felix, please, we don’t have time to argue-”

“I think I’ll start with this darling café.” The akuma crooned. “That should get some attention.”

The café walls crumbling apart was Felix’s only warning before the gust of wind made it to their little hide-out. It splintered the wood within seconds, and the group went flying, once again, into the pavement. 

Felix groaned as he pushed himself to his knees. How many times were they going to get thrown around? At least Marinette didn’t land on him this time.

Marinette.

The realization that Marinette was no longer with him washed over Felix like a bucket of ice cold water, and his gaze snapped upwards. He started to yell for her, but it was too late. Marinette was already on her feet, somehow recovering faster than all of them, and running towards the akuma head on. He could only watch in abject horror as she called out to it.

“Hey, airhead!” She yelled. “Do you really think this is the smartest plan?”

The akuma rounded on Marinette in an instant, and Felix sucked in a breath. No, no, no, no, what was she doing?

“My name is ‘Whirlwind’, thank you very much,” The woman snapped, “and I think it’s a brilliant plan. Do you think you can do something better?”

“Of course.” Marinette replied, crossing her arms. “If you’re already destroying buildings, why not go and destroy the big companies that you’re after in the first place? It’d be much more productive, don’t you think?”

Felix furrowed his eyebrows. Didn’t she say that she wanted to avoid public places?

Whirlwind hummed. “Well, yes, but with all of the major hotels and tourist spots, it’s hard to tell which buildings to destroy, and I don’t have time to look.”

“I’ll show you where they are.” Marinette offered. “Think about it, destroying a big, company building is sure to attract more attention than taking down a little café, right?”

Whirlwind narrowed her eyes as she thought it over, and a part of Felix desperately hoped that she would decline Marinette’s suggestion. A bigger part of him prayed that the police or the heroes or somebody showed up to stop this before Marinette went too far.

“Alright.” Whirlwind smiled. “I’ll take you up on that. It’s nice to see someone else interested in saving the environment.”

With a flick of her fan, Whirlwind gathered a gust of wind around Marinette, causing the ravenette to rise into the air. She then gave herself a gust of wind, which caused her white skirt to start spinning around her. If Felix wasn’t going pale with dread over what might happen to his classmate, he would have found the unique fashion choice to be humorous, as it almost reminded him of a box fan. 

Allegra let out a horrified shriek, one that rattled Felix to his bones. This was really happening. Marinette was really being carried off by some maniac in a costume. What were they going to do? What could they do? Gosh, where were the heroes?

Felix grit his teeth and forced himself to his feet. He couldn’t just stand there and watch her be kidnapped or he’d never be able to look her in the eyes afterwards.

That’s right, he told himself. The heroes were going to win, and she was going to be just fine. 

Those thoughts didn’t stop him from sprinting after the akuma, though, even as the trio called after him to stop, even as the akuma rose higher into the air, out of his reach. Marinette couldn’t do this by herself, and although Felix’s presence probably wouldn’t make much of a difference either, he’d be darned if he didn’t try to help. 

“Don’t worry,” He huffed, comforting himself more than her as he darted through alleyways to keep up with them, “I’m right behind you.”

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[geek-patient-zero]

Part 1, Chapter 6

Or: Phantomas of Notre Dame

Blood War: Masquerade of the Red Death Trilogy Volume 1

Paris—March 12, 1994

The official smile of Paris is the sneer. The rich sneer at the middle class. The middle class sneer at the poor. And they all sneer at the hordes of tourists who flood their city each year.

I’ve actually remembered these lines since I first read them as a kid. I don’t know why, beyond it being Baby’s First French Stereotype Joke, but I did. I forgot what book they were from though, so when I reread Blood War and found them again, it was a nice surprise.

Their mockery, according to the guidebooks, is part of the charm of Paris. The city, with it’s great restaurants, fabulous museums, superb monuments, and long history, breeds contempt for the lesser achievements surrounding it. The average Parisian citizen considers himself far superior to anyone from outside the city.

It’s only Paris being singled out here, but still, I want to apologize to any French readers. It isn’t going to get much better for you guys in this book. But hey, at least your capital city isn’t a gang warzone.

That attitude explains, at least in theory, the joy the natives get from telling tales of the Phantom of the Paris Opera.

Not only are Parisians assholes, but they bug you into reading their Phantom of the Opera fanfics.

There’s some cliffnotes about the story (written by Gaston Leroux, demented genius living under the Paris Opera, hideously scarred, etc.), then we learn the titular Phantom is the French equivalent of Australia’s drop bears: a made up monster they tell gullible American tourists about to fuck with them.

Parisians loved to elaborate on the fantasy for gullible tourists, saying how, though he had reportedly been destroyed, the body of Eric, the Phantom, had never been found. And that every year, a few unwary tourists to the Opera House disappeared without a trace.

It was typical malicious Parisian humor. Often, the story was accompanied with a breathless attempt to sell bootleg souvenirs such as an authentic map of the catacombs or a page from the score of the Phantom’s infamous lost opera.

Or those little Mickey Mouse paper dolls that supposedly dance to music but are just attached to a motor by an invisible string. My ma fell for that one.

I don’t know if Parisians in real life actually do this, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I hear the Louvre used to give The Da Vinci Code themed tours. This sounds more fun than that, and less soul-crushing.

I admit that I’ve never read The Phantom of the Opera. I saw the play on an elementary school field trip to Broadway, but I barely remember it. I know the book begins with an intro where Leroux claims it’s a true story, but I figured it’s a true story the way The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a true story. I looked it up anyway, just so I don’t look like an uncultured moron if I dismissed it and was wrong. Turns out, the story was inspired by a real incident at the Paris Opera where a chandelier counterweight (not the chandelier itself) fell down and killed someone. There was a crackpot theory at the time that the accident was actually an assassination attempt. That’s something I didn’t know. Guess I owe Weinberg one for getting me to learn something.

Back to the story. Parisians like to use the Phantom to fuck with tourists, but there are other stories they don’t tell them. Stories that poor shopkeepers tell each other behind closed doors like the superstitious European peasant stereotypes they pretend they aren’t. Stories that were handed down from generation to generation about unexplained disappearances plaguing the Île de la Cité (aka the place where the Notre Dame cathedral is).

Common to every narrative was the same name. A title that when said aloud could cause the most elegant Parisian to blanch in terror.

What, Quasimodo’s some kind of French cryptid too? I know the original book character wasn’t as nice as the Disney version, and he’d be an obvious candidate for a Nosferatu (or a Ravnos if you wanna be a dick) but he was hardly-

Phantomas.

Oh. Alright, yeah, different literary character, but I can go along with it.

Officially, the French Sûreté (cops, pigs, po-po, babylon) dismiss such rumors as the insane ramblings of demented poets living on the West Bank. No mention is made of a file, five inches thick, hidden deep in the files of police headquarters. Contained in it are hundreds of reports, dating back a hundred and fifty years to the time of Chief Inspector Vidocq, detailing the circumstances surrounding hundreds of disappearances in the vicinity of the famous cathedral of Notre Dame.

I bet at least one report blames Quasimodo.

One actual report is a six page article, never made public, by a historical commission about the hundreds of myths and legends surrounding the church, all connected by a ghostly figure seen in the Cathedral at night. I’ll give you one guess at what it actually is.

Though he is called by a dozen different names in the tales, he is always described as incredibly ugly. And a drinker of human blood.

Yep. A goddamn mage.

In turn-of-the-century France, the vampire’s name had gained such notoriety that a series of mystery thrillers featuring an arch-fiend called Fantomas became best-sellers. None of the stories explained the origin of the mastermind. Or why he preyed on the citizens of Paris. They were works of fiction, not fact.

In case old French pulp isn’t your thing, Fantomas, spelled with an F, was a character created in 1911 by Marcel Allain and Pierre Souvestre. He’s a master criminal like Arsène Lupin, except instead of a gentleman thief he was a sadistic murderer and Grade-A pure evil bastard. There’s nothing supernatural about Fantomas. He’s just a regular human who’s really good at murder, framing innocent people for said murder, and getting away with it. Apparently, thanks to the 1960′s film trilogy, he’s usually remembered in French pop culture wearing a blue mask that covers his entire head.

You can see how that guy would inspire a Nosferatu character. Also Destro from G.I. Joe.

But as just explained, in this setting it’s the other way around. And despite being portrayed as what the French call “a homicidal piece of shit”, the “real-life” Phantomas is a big fan of the stories.

The subject of these various novels, reports, and studies found them all vastly amusing. He had enjoyed the Fantomas novels immensely and had even sent the author several anonymous letters suggesting future ideas for plots. To his intense disappointment, none of his ideas had ever been used. Once or twice he had mentally debated visiting the novelist to plead his case. But Phantomas suspected his physical appearance might do his cause more harm than good.

That... is goddamn fucking adorable. He’s just been introduced and I already hope he survives the trilogy and discovers online fanfiction.

The vampire readily acknowledged his ugliness. Standing exactly five feet tall, with skin wrinkled as a prune, eyes like raisins, and a nose the size and shape of a sweet potato, he had caused more than one drunken Parisian to swear off red wine forever. A gaping mouthful of yellow teeth and bulging red eyes propelled his face out of the realm of the bizarre into the domain of the grotesque.

Eh. Someone in this fandom would still bang him.

Wait, eyes that were both “like raisins” and “bulging”? How does that work?

Phantomas is the Nosferatu on the cover of the second book of this trilogy, if you want a visual reference.

See, he’s even still got some hair. He’s not that bad looking.

Phantomas might enjoy the fiction he inspired about a murderer, but he’s not happy about being blamed for real murders of innocent people, regarding it as “cheap slander”. The centuries of recorded disappearances were the results of more natural and obvious crimes.

While he occasionally satisfied his thirst on some poor unfortunate, Phantomas rarely killed innocents if it could be avoided. A quiet, gentle soul, all he wanted was to be left alone in his underground lair, pursuing his research.

Over the years a host of villains had used his presence on the Île de la Cité as an alibi for their murders. Their victims ended, not in his hideaway, but dumped in the Seine. Most had escaped the guillotine. However, Phantomas was less forgiving. And his justice was as sharp and final as any blade.

So other than a few accidents, the only people Phantomas “disappeared” were the criminals responsible for the rest of them.

Phantomas isn’t thinking about that dark business right now. He’s feeling great because he’s on his way to a party. The Prince of Paris, one Francois Villon, holds court once a month, and today’s such a day. Villon’s both a Toreador elder and French, so obviously he holds court in the Louvre.

Dozens of Kindred, along with several hundred of the Prince’s favorite ghouls and kine, attended the festivities. This evening the Prince entertained an important Tremere wizard visiting from Vienna. Phantomas loved such events. Though never invited, he never missed one.

There goes my heart, breaking for poor old Phantomas again...

But this time the snub isn’t a case of a Toreador being a snob to a Nosferatu. Villon just doesn’t know Phantomas exists.

The Prince was under the mistaken impression that he was the oldest, most powerful vampire in the City of Lights. He was neither. Phantomas had come to the Île de la Cité with the invading legions of Julius Caesar in 53 B.C.

I should apologize to the French again. Turns out Phantomas isn’t one of you guys. He’s a nice Italian man.

From here we’re launched into Phantomas’ pre-Phantomas backstory. In life he was Varro Dominus (Strong Ruler or Master), a young noble and soldier who worked under Caesar himself, and was in charge of recording his military campaigns. Ceasar’s legions arrived in the Île de la Cité, then called Lutetia, using it as a stepping stone across the Seine. Unfortunately for Varro, living among the easily conquered native tribesmen, pretending to be a forest god, was a fifth-generation Nosferatu named Urgahalt. The invading legions fascinated Urgahalt, what with their military strength, impressive latin names, and neat centurion helmets, and he Embraced Varro so he could introduce him into Roman society.

There’s an obvious flaw in this plan, since it’s difficult for a guy to introduce you to his culture when you’ve just made him an outcast from that culture, turning him into a shriveled prune monster with a sweet potato nose. And Varro knew it too. The Romans, or at least Varro, knew more about Kindred (or lemures, as they called vampires) than Urgahalt realized, including how to kill them. Pissed that bumping into this guy cost him his life and career, Varro staked him in the heart and turned him into a bonfire.

Convincing the legions to take him back would be a hard sell now, so Varro stayed behind on the island, pretty much never leaving during the millennia as modern Paris rose up around the guy.

He was as much a part of the city as the Eiffel Tower.

Which undersells Phantomas quite a bit since the Eiffel Tower’s only been around since 1889, but you get the point.

Turning into an ugly son of a bitch also turned Phantomas into the ultimate introvert, aside from those parties he likes attending. He stays hidden from everyone, including other vampires. Even other Nosferatu.

More than two hundred Kindred inhabited Paris and its suburbs. The Toreador Clan held control of the central city, but several other bloodlines roamed the streets, including rebel bands of Brujah, Gangrel, and Malkavians. Rumors spoke of a Sabbat pack anxious to spread dissension and revolt, with headquarters in the slums. At least a half-dozen Nosferatu lived in lairs beneath major museums and churches [sic] Yet even among the Kindred Phantomas was a legend, an unseen presence with no basis in reality. He was a phantom to the living and the undead.

Good call. If Parisians are like how the opening paragraphs describe them, I wouldn’t want to talk to them either.

In order to stay hidden, Phantomas lives in a huge underground lair hundreds of feet under Notre Dame, connected by a network of tunnels that stretched across Paris. He’s also a master of Obfuscate, the discipline that allows vampires, especially Nosferatu, to go around unnoticed, commonly by turning invisible. Right now, in order to get into the party, Phantomas is using the Mask of a Thousand Faces, the third-tier Obfuscate power that disguises a vampire as a random nobody human or an unimportant vampire, depending on whose looking at him. Looks like it also lets you pretend to hold an invitation and get away with it.

Shortly after midnight, he strolled past the two Assamites guarding the glass pyramid that served as entrance to the Louvre. They nodded without interest as he displayed an imaginary invitation and walked into the main hall.

That pyramid pissed a lot of older Parisians off when it was first built. Yeah, they complain about everything, but since the artsy-fartsy Toreador control the city, you’d think they would’ve prevented its construction. Unless the pyramid’s a Toreador idea, in which case no wonder everyone hated it.

(Parisians are over hating the pyramid these days, so don’t mention it unless you want them to think you’re in their city for one of those Da Vinci Code tours.)

Phantomas muttered a word of thanks to his Roman gods that Villon considered electronic monitoring devices provincial. His psychic camouflage worked flawlessly with humans and vampires. It was useless against cameras or television monitors.

The Louvre doesn’t have any security cameras? None at all?

In Phantomas’ opinion, the Prince was a pompous dandy who wouldn’t recognize true art if it hit him in the face.

Looks like Phantomas agrees with me about Toreador tastes in art.

Master of the Louvre, the finest art collection in history, Villon ignored the treasures of the past for the ephemeral pleasures of the moment.

Alright, In Villon’s defense, I think grandpa here might have some bias.

His mercurial tastes dominated the Parisian fashion scene. He surrounded himself with the most beautiful models in Paris, blood dolls who sipped on blood and dreamed of immortality. Like too many of the Kindred, Villon had never come to terms with his undeath.

I like Phantomas and all, but it’s not Villon sneaking into one of his parties, so what right does he have being judgmental?

But I think I get what Phantomas is thinking. Villon owns one of the most famous historical art museums in the world, but he only cares about celebrity shit and making beautiful but angry-looking women wear weird shit nobody else will actually wear.

The party was being held in the glass-roofed Cour Marley, but Phantomas was in no hurry to go there. Though he had visited the Louvre many times, he never skipped the opportunity to visit the galleries housing the Greek, Roman, and Egyptian antiquities. The museum housed perhaps the finest such collection in the world and, though Phantomas had the face and body of a monster, he possessed the soul of a poet.

This is the real reason he loves these parties so much, isn’t it. Grandpa just wants an excuse to visit the museum for like the billionth time.

Ten minutes he spent staring at the Venus de Milo.

Art appreciation, or the closest he gets to seeing boobs?

He walks around admiring other things, like “Winged Victory of Samothrace”, “Winged Bull”, and the statue of Queen Nefertiti.

The bust of Agrippa drew him to the Roman section. The famous general, the hero of Actium, had served Octavius, the grandnephew of his mentor, Julius Caesar. Staring at the statue made him feel old. Two thousand years separated him from his heritage.

I feel the same way whenever I meet someone born after Spongebob Squarepants first aired.

If not for a chance encounter in Gaul, his children might have fought against Mark Anthony. Or served in the Senate with Cicero.

Not if you stared at potential mothers the way you stared at the Venus de Milo and Agrippa’s bust.

He finishes his tour and finally heads to the party. If you’ve been paying attention to the plot, you know what’s about to happen.

As he drew closer to the courtyard, he frowned. There was no music. Villon’s parties always featured a loud rock band playing the latest hits. Tonight, the corridors were strangely silent.

Nirvana was supposed to play “About a Girl” but Villon kicked them out when Cobain let his turtles wander around and shit everywhere.

A tall, young man slender [sic], with blond hair and bright blue eyes, stood in front of the door leading to the Cour Marley. Dressed in a white suit with an open-necked white shirt, he nodded in greeting as Phantomas approached. It was almost as if he had been waiting for [sic] there for him.

Weinberg’s editor must’ve quit before getting to this chapter, after reading the part about Flavia’s rock hard leather-penetrating nipples. Also, ‘sup Reuben? What’ve you been doing the past two years?

Reuben doesn’t introduce himself. He just warns Phantomas not to go in. Phantomas is shocked that a human is talking to him at all. Mask of a Thousand Faces is supposed to disguise him as someone so boring not even Kindred are interested starting a conversation with him

“The Final Death waits inside,” continued the stranger, evidently not troubled by Phantomas’ concerns. “If you enter, you may never leave.”

“I am no coward,” stated the vampire simply. “After twenty centuries, I fear very little.”

Let’s see if that lasts longer than a page.

The young man smiled. “I suspected you would say that.” He stepped to the side. “Beware the Red Death, Phantomas.”

“Who are you?” asked Phantomas, startled. “How do you know my name?”

But the stranger had vanished. It was as if he had never been there.

Good old Reuben, scaring an old man, the trolling bastard.

Successfully freaked out, Phantomas opens the courtyard doors. To no one’s surprise, everyone’s dead. Even the regular non-ghoul humans.

The smell of charred and blackened human flesh assaulted his nostrils. A horrified glance around the courtyard revealed a dozen bodies of Villon’s favorites, their beautiful features burned beyond recognition. The fashion runways of Paris would be missing a number of familiar faces tomorrow. Mixed among the dead were the remains of twice as many ghouls. Nowhere was there life.

How he’s able to tell the models and ghouls apart, I don’t know.

Villon was gone. As were all other Kindred. However, dark shadows on the ground indicated to Phantomas that more than one had departed the Louvre permanently.

Can the French art and fashion worlds finally recover from the dark and untalented reign of the Toreador?

As if in answer to Phantomas’ unasked question, a gruesome figure stepped from behind the Marly Horses. Tall and lean, he wore a rotted shroud of funeral cloth held together by strips of moldering bandage [sic]. His face was

-that of a long-dead corpse, chalk-white skin, blah blah blah it’s the Red Death.

Slowly, the monster smiled.

“The meddling record keeper,” said the Red Death. He stretched out a skeletal arm. Phantomas could feel the heat thirty feet away. “Your termination will be a fitting conclusion to the celebration.”

Confronted by this horrifying fire monster who just massacred an entire party of vampires, ghouls, and humans, what does the famous Phantomas do? Something that both proves him a hypocrite and the smartest person in this goddamn book.

He hauls ass out of there.

Hundreds of years hiding beneath the streets of Paris had taught Phantomas an important lesson. When threatened, flee. Immediately. Don’t search for alternative solutions, don’t negotiate, don’t look back. Run as fast as possible until you reach safety. It was a basic survival technique that worked in the past. It served him tonight.

Phantomas ran. He burst through the doors of the Cour Marley, raced down the halls leading to the glass pyramid, and sprinted out into the night air without turning his head once to see if he was followed. Short and misshapen, he ran astonishingly fast.

Phantomas doesn’t stop running until he’s safely hundreds of feet underground in one of his tunnels. He escaped the Red Death.

He had escaped for the moment. But Phantomas felt certain he had not seen the last of the monster.

It had named him the record keeper. Somehow it knew of his great project. And the Red Death obviously disapproved.

We’ll find out more about Phantomas’ hobby the next time we catch up with him. For now, Chapter 6 ends on that mystery.