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rosesloveletters · 1 year ago

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Happy Birthday, Erika! 🎈🥳

Just another gift set for an amazing girl — @ajokeformur-ray — whom I am lucky enough to call “sister”. I hope your birthday is magical, darling, but if not, then we’ll just have to make September even more magical to make up for it. I hope you like everything contained within this post, but if not, I am always happy to make something else. Your physical gifts will be waiting for you when you arrive in September so we can do an in-person gift exchange for the first time!! I’m SO EXCITED to see you again and to give you lots and lots of hugs🥹🫂

I love you so very much and I miss you TONS! Our holiday cannot get here fast enough!! I’m still counting down the days until you’re here with me again -- I think we’re down to only 43 days now? Damn, time moves fast... all the more reason to give you all the love while you’re here with me❤️🫂

Happiest of birthdays to you, darling. Year 26 will be kind to you (or else) 😂❤️

First, a handwritten letter from me:

Second, some fics:

Timeless // Erika x Arthur Fleck/Joker

summary: You reflect back on this past academic year and remind yourself why you chose this specific, very important path. // ‘You needed each other and you needed time; good thing, then, this love was timeless.’

THIS is the song that inspired this fic✨💜

word count: 2,110

Another year, come and gone, but it never happened as easily as it was said. You’d had to fight your way out of the dark this time, as you had so many times before, and by the time you emerged into the daylight it didn’t feel so much like a reward as it should have. They say that when one had to go to war for what they want, reaping the rewards was hardly the justice or benefit that one deserves and now you knew how true that seemed to be. It wasn’t meant to come easily to you, if that were the case, would it even have been worth doing? Perhaps you didn’t know the answer, or if you did, you were disinclined to speak it into existence, but that did not matter in the here and now. It was finished for another year. You had the time to heal, to lick your wounds and prepare yourself for the next battle. The time for self-recognition would come and when it did, hopefully you would feel whole enough to put it into words.

You sipped your coffee at the kitchen table that your lover had made you. You felt so small and insignificant during these quiet moments, but it wasn’t a bad thing – if you could only merely exist, then exist here. These four walls transcended time; the only things which grounded you to this era were the distant, grainy hum of the record player as its’ current tune twisted and wreathed about the apartment and Arthur’s warm hand over top of yours, his thumb tracing your slightly protruding knuckles.

It was calm in the aftermath, but you and your lover both knew how much and how long and how hard you had had to fight to achieve even this. This single moment that you treasured so much, would soon be tucked away in the lockbox beneath your bed of all the other times just like this one. You kept them all for a rainy day, to remind yourself of what all of this was about, but most days it seemed that the sun never shined and the rain poured down in sheets.

It was never meant to be like this. You were supposed to want this, arguably more than you wanted him because if you didn’t then how were you ever supposed to succeed? How would you show to him how important he was to you if you couldn’t even do this? Your love language was acts of service and this would be the greatest act of love you had ever given a person; it had to be perfect.

It had to be one of those fairy-tale moments that most of us spend our whole lives trying to recreate, but you had to capture this one. Your castle was crumbling to the ground and instead of relying on your prince to build it back up from the ground, you would straighten your crown and get to work. Was it even worth it anymore if you couldn’t do it alone?

“I’m proud of you,” Arthur whispered, cutting through the fog in your mind, reaching out of your hand to pull you to the surface of the water so you wouldn’t drown in the self-doubt, “you always manage to get it just right. I know you can’t see it, but I do.”

The smallest of smiles graced your lips, but his words meant more than just a simple acknowledgement. They were the reason. The reason you clung to, why you dragged yourself out of bed every morning at 5am even when you were exhausted to the point of collapse, why you sat at your desk for hours, day after day, fighting for the girl of the rest of your life who didn’t really know what she was in for, but whom you advocated for each day because she would get there. She would appreciate all this someday, even if this version of you thought about quitting every hour on the hour.

“Thank you,” you replied to him, “you see what I go through. You know that none of it is easy, but I’d put myself through hell every day for you and I wouldn’t even complain.”

The ‘not complaining’ part might not have been entirely true, but you knew he knew what you meant and the smile of acknowledgement on his face told you that he did. He saw you in the trenches every day, he brought you liters of coffee and snacks so you wouldn’t go without. He would drape a blanket around your shoulders if you seemed cold or he would bring in a box fan if you were too hot. He’d encourage you to take small breaks here or there so your eyes did not become strained from looking at your screen for long periods. His job was just as important as yours, though he would’ve argued his was much more important because, after all, your wellbeing was far more important to him than most else.

You’d had the courage to stick to your studies for yet another year, but the last several months had not been kind to you and you were holding your breath for when you might finally catch a break. You had struggled through dozens of doctors’ appointments, seeking out a clear path for recovery from your anxiety that hopefully did not include medication. You had also gotten a wicked-looking infection in your pinky toe that took a month before you saw any healing going on. As if your studies weren’t enough to deal with, everything else that had piled on to you in the last month or two almost made you collapse, but you would carry that weight if it meant you might have another chance to achieve your dream occupation.

You could hold on a little longer, but the fall was tempting, especially knowing that Arthur would always be there to catch you.

How you had managed to bring this year of university to as natural of a close seemed like you had defied all possible logic, but it was over. You finally caught up. This leg of the race was over and you could pause to catch your breath before the next one.

Despite how crazy things had gotten there at the finish line, Arthur was there for you, cheering you on from the sidelines the same way he had done every year prior to this one. While you were trying to work out the best possible method of treatment for your anxiety, when the doctors had you trying medication, Arthur let you stand in the kitchen with him and take your meds at the same time as he did. He was aware of how terrified you were to do this and he would have done everything in his power to make this easier on you. If sharing in a routine as domestic as this helped your nerves even slightly, he’d have done it in a heartbeat. He always paused, waiting until you were ready before he tilted his head back and swallowed his own pills, followed by a sip of water to wash them down.

When you were too afraid to look at your swollen, blood-blistered toe to check if it was healing properly, Arthur had guided you into your small bathroom, sat you down and taken your foot carefully in his lap to have a closer look. He cleaned and rebandaged you, offering small, murmured words of comfort while you kept your eyes on his face rather than on the injury.

He had always known exactly what to do and how to handle it, even and especially when you didn’t. This was why he was your guide and for this reason alone, you gave all that you were. You would have given him the entire world, but he did not want the world when he had his dream girl right here with him now. He wanted his talented, intelligent, steadfast, loving, considerate, sweet girl, Erika, and there would be nothing that could ever stand in his way of having you, even yourself.

The tides of self-sabotage came crashing against your shores every once in a while, but Arthur’s soothing words and presence could calm the most violent of oceans, even wading out into the open water up to his neck, because he wasn’t afraid of drowning in your love. He knew what it felt like worry you were not good enough for someone and he knew enough that he did not ever want you to feel that way too. He would do everything he could to spare you from the worst of what he felt, even if he could not save you from it, he could share the weight of that burden. He was not letting you go through this alone. It wasn’t like him to abandon anyone, least of all his most beloved one.

“I know you’ll have to do all this again in a few months’ time,” Arthur whispered to you now, “and I’ll be here. Even if it’s hard…especially if it’s hard. I’m not going anywhere; I promise you that. I love you, Erika.”

His words comforted you, blanketed your mind in a warm embrace and almost brought tears to your eyes if you’d had any left to cry. No matter how many times the world broke you, Arthur always picked up the pieces and put you back together.

He was the reason you had picked this career path anyway and you would remember it every step of the way. It could be done because you had the strength of love on your side. You would pick yourself up again, over and over, let yourself be washed out to sea, treading water until Arthur came to rescue you. He would always be there to give you his hand and guide you back to shore.

It wasn’t because he thought you couldn’t do it alone, but because he didn’t want you to do it alone. There would be plenty of times in life when you would find yourself alone, but not now, not if he could help it. He had every reason to stick around and show you how beautiful life could be, even though it rained every day in your world. If it rained, he would be your sunshine. He would be the light in your darkness and would save you from the side of yourself which threatened that you weren’t good enough for him, because you were.

He did not know how he had been lucky enough to capture a heart like yours, but he treasured your love as the greatest gift he had ever received. There was nothing he would not have done for his beloved and he was determined to show that to you as often as he could, so that you might remember on days when the sun never shined that he was there and would break through your storm clouds and let the light in.

You both missed the simpler times, when you had fallen so deeply, madly and irreversibly in love all those years ago, but what you had now was even more than you’d imagined back then. You had years on your younger selves now and much more wisdom about what you wanted and hoped for and dreamed of, but much more importantly…you had each other.

Even if you didn’t have it all figured out yet, you did not need to. You had more time and many more years with each other to do that. For now, you were safe to carry on as you were, taking it all a day at a time, sometimes even an hour at a time, because that was all you needed.

It hit you, all at once, that you would have loved him in any timeline, whether you were his Erika as you were now, or if you had been a young, Victorian girl and he a foot servant. Or perhaps you might have been a quiet girl, reading in the school cafeteria during the 80s and he a strong, independent, older student who played the part of dungeons and dragons game master on the weekends and also played guitar.

Yours and Arthurs was the kind of love that surpassed the timeline your physical forms occupied. You would always know this one as yours, but had it been another, you would have found him and loved him.

You needed that much, at least, because in order to keep going, you needed him the same way you needed air.

You needed each other and you needed time; good thing, then, this love was timeless.

Aftermath // Erika x Henry Jekyll (parental) - Mary Reilly & Edward Hyde (mentioned)

summary: By now, you are used to your parents taking a step back while you focus on your studies, but it never gets any easier. // You and your Father fall into a routine, once again, and it all begins to make a bit more sense.

word count: 1,515

In the aftermath, there was nothing except numbness. An overwhelming sense of emptiness filled you and you were uncertain how long it was going to take to recover, or even if you would be able to this time.

It had always happened this way and, even still, you worried. How could it not be anxiety-inducing to feel like you had everyone on your side at the start, then fight your way through university only to cross the finish line and feel like no one was there waiting to congratulate you. It wasn’t true, however, except that some of your most important people seemed to be nonexistent now: your parents.

You knew it wasn’t true; your parents would never abandon you. Then why did it always feel like they had done just that?

It was a part of you now, the sense of not belonging anywhere that you tried so desperately to fit in, and you were used to this. You got so overwhelmed by your studies that you isolated yourself from your loved ones until it was over and then, then, you could slowly allow yourself to return to them. You took after your Father in this way, even though he never would have wanted that for you. He wanted to serve as a guide for you throughout your studies, but he did not want you to push your family away until you felt like you deserved them.

You always deserved your Father, your Mama and your Papa, no matter the outcome for your studies or anything similar. You did not have to earn your right to them. They were always there, silently waiting in the wings until you would come to acknowledge that.

You could see the light at the end of the tunnel and even though this particular year of university had more than metaphorically kicked you in the ass, you were relieved to have made it through and were taking your time in preparing for the next one. It would be unlike any other because now you were going to have to draw on previous years’ knowledge and information to understand the upcoming one. You would be responsible for revisions of last year’s work, condensing it down to manageable, bite-sized pieces so you could rely on what you had already done to guide you through the next maze.

An overwhelming sense of dread was hitting you now and you were already fearful of what the next year might bring. The previous year had already been too much at once and you needed something to ground you and keep you focused on the future, rather than on the past.

This was why you always, always turned to your Father for help.

Once you had officially eased back into daily life with your parents by your side, you were able to reconnect with who you were. You worked alongside your Mama during the mornings, then you would find your Father camped out in his study or in the library and he would lend a hand with your studies or simply allow you to work with him in silence. Your nights were reserved for your Papa and all the delightful chaos and titillating tidbits he would bring, but for now, you needed your Father.

Your studies had to come first because your future depended on it.

For this reason did you find yourself nestled into your usual spot in the library, surrounded by a sea of papers, while your Father quietly did the same at his own workspace. You were hard at work on revisions and notetaking, keeping your head down and your eyes focused on what you were doing. If you allowed yourself to relax for even a second, you feared you would lose focus and stop entirely and your future could not afford to suffer simply because you did not feel like working right now.

Your Father peeked at you past the open books he had on his own desk. He scrawled handwritten notes in his notebook – never would he have felt comfortable writing in the margins of his beloved textbooks like your Papa so often did (he was going to find a way to end that once and for all, but we all know that Edward Hyde worked for no one except himself.)

His face softened as he regarded you from afar, taking pleasure knowing that your work ethic had come from him. He only worried that you would overwork yourself in the same ways that he had and that it would begin to take its toll in the very same way. He worried, like all good fathers did, and he wanted you to know that you were doing just fine and that you did not need to overthink yourself into a rut like he was prone to do.

“Erika,” he whispered, not wanting to disturb you, but also because he wanted to gently get your attention shifted from your studies and onto him. When you looked up from your papers, he began, “I want you to know…that I am proud of all the work that you have done. And, even more than that, I am proud of you.”

You let the words sink in and settle beneath your skin. It felt good to be complimented by your Father. It felt like all of this would be worth it, then, all the struggles and hardships and battles and cries…it meant something beyond all of that because you would never have achieved all that you had if you were not a part of who your parents were. You could not have continued to work as well as keep up with your studies if you did not have your Mama’s perseverance and determination. You could not have achieved such perfect marks and maintained lengthy hours of study if you did not have your Father’s work ethic and knack for comprehending difficult concepts. And, you could not have continued to push forward through all of the difficulty and strife had you not possessed your Papa’s stubbornness not to give up despite when perhaps any other person would have.

You were your own person, but in turn, you were made up of little pieces of who they were and that made you Erika. You were a beautiful, intelligent, strong, independent, caring, devoted and inspirational young woman and you made your parents proud every step of the way, even during times when you felt you had done the complete opposite.

“Thank you, Father,” you responded to him and you smiled, perhaps the realest one you had offered him in quite some time and this sentiment was not lost on him. Not much escaped your Father’s attention, especially when it came to his beloved daughter whom he loved more than himself.

You were his greatest work, his greatest masterpiece and the person he was most proud of in the world. He would have done anything and everything he could for you, letting you know every step of the way how proud he was of the woman you were growing into. He would be there now and forever and on your graduation day, whenever that came, he would be standing there knowing that he had seen you through this from the very beginning. It might not have seemed like much from an outsider’s perspective, but to him, it meant more than the world to witness his daughter chasing her future and, one day, it would be in the palm of her hand. He had faith in her abilities, even when she questioned whether she could do it. He always knew that if anyone could achieve this seemingly impossible dream, it was her.

There was nothing she could not do if she set her sights on it and kept persevering. It was only a matter of time before she was moving on to the next phase of her lifelong journey and he wanted to do everything in his power to stand by her and watch her reap the benefits of her hard work. He would gently remind her throughout all this that she deserved these positive things and that it might be difficult, but nothing was more worth her time than her future and for that he was proud to know she agreed.

He got up from his chair and approached her, leaning over her shoulder to assess her work. He was proud of how much she had accomplished so far and he smiled at her, making sure she knew he was pleased. You might have expected him to turn away, then, but no. He gently brought his arms around your shoulders and embraced you.

It had been a long time since he had hugged you properly and as you leaned into him, all-consumed by this sudden display of affection and emotion, you let two tears slide down your cheeks. You were happy now, right where you needed to be. Your parents had not abandoned you. They were right here, always a part of you no matter where you went and you still had so many places yet to go.

Third, a poem I wrote:

A Universal Cosmic Collision

God didn’t make us sisters because we would have been too powerful together but everything I’ve done since I met you is a love letter to the person I wanted to be whom I will never get to know — sweep me under the rug, that’s the thing about letting go: I won’t know the girl who never existed but to you I hold fast, tight-fisted, because I know a good thing when I’ve got it even if I didn’t to begin with, I’ll admit that I’m a bit overwhelmed by you. Calling someone “sister” isn’t something I’m used to, but if I was to bestow that honor upon anyone, In every lifetime, in every universal cosmic collision, you would be my most beloved one.

I never knew how much better life could be until you showed me.

I hope you like your online gifts, darling! I am so grateful to know you and to be able to celebrate you like this💗🫂 Please let me know if I can make anything else for you, dear. I love you so so so much and I cannot wait to hug you again in a little over a month! I am wishing you the very happiest of birthdays today and I hope you know that even though today is a very special day, that you make every single day of mine special just by being a part of it. I love you💗💗

#made with love :: 💛

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decembermoonskz · 2 years ago

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hi izzy!! just dropping by to say hello and ask how you’re doing 🤍

but also seeing what you said about the anon messages really made me think—i do believe that you (and other writers) taking down your works or leaving has scared some readers, you know? it’s just a reminder that we should appreciate all of the fics and the writers behind them, and not only mourn them when they’re gone and it’s too late.

and that’s not to say that your anons or anyone else *didn’t* appreciate them, i’m not trying to call anyone out. i think this can be said for plenty of fandoms and plenty of things outside kpop fics too. it’s just nice to appreciate things and let creators know that you appreciate their things, and not just as a last resort.

anyways. just my ramblings haha. i hope you’re having a good day / night 🤍

aww I agree with what you said rain. honestly I didn’t expect anyone to send me any messages about my fics if I’m being totally honest with you haha 😂 so it’s come as quite a surprise to me.

So I’m going to continue this under the cut so it doesn’t take up too much space. I just wanna say that tldr these are just my thoughts on why I’m really archiving my works and the feedback/plagiarizing events going on and have been going on. Feel free to disagree with me on any of this but please anyone, do not come into my inbox with any discourse or just to tell me you disagree with something.

And before I continue I just wanna say, rain, ty for provoking all these thoughts out of me and sorry I got kinda carried away LOL This got SUPER long so don’t feel like you have to read it lovely but just know you are so one-of-a-kind and I’m so glad you stopped by today when I saw your message I smiled 🫂

So about the messages I got, I just wanna say that there were some of these ppl who replied to their own asks to me and they said they fully understand why I’m doing what I’m doing and it’s nice to know that even tho I don’t necessarily need any validation to be satisfied with my choice.

I’m going to just share my own ramblings and my own feelings towards some of these things bc I really don’t talk about it much (mainly bc it’s kind of draining for me personally)

I think some ppl do understand that this was an inevitability should writers continue to be plagiarized or essentially “left on read” when it comes to feedback (to be slightly witty and lighten this just a bit lol) this topic isn’t one I talk about a lot but I fully acknowledge and hear/see what other authors go through on an (unfortunately) regular basis.

I think the main thing I tried so hard to remind myself of is that I write for myself and no one else. More than once did I forget this and start thinking “oh please like this fic! please tell me it was worth it to write! please like it and me!” I think that’s what my thoughts began to turn into, and when that started happening I knew I needed to step back bc I really started to hate writing and I wanted to just turn away from it. I took a really long hiatus back in 2021 (iirc time is fake) and after writing tons of projects for myself and taking time off of tumblr, I came back in a much healthier mindset.

Basically, I really stopped caring about notes and feedback and for me it was life-changing.

I under no circumstances claim this is how all writers should be to feel better nor do I claim thinking like this is as easy as a snap of your fingers or that it cures all problems. It took me a while to learn this lesson (hence the hiatus) but having learned to not really care about all of that stuff I truly felt better about my writing AND myself. Any and all notes and feedback have just been pure bonuses for me and they brighten my day if I happen to get any. Heck, I’m still shocked that not one but TWO of my fics surpassed 1k notes, like, that’s crazy to me. I realized that once I stopped caring so much about feedback or notes and chose to focus whether or not I was the one who was satisfied with my work, I noticed a lot of positive things would gather towards (such as feedback or reviews).

With all of that being said, this doesn’t make the issues going on go away (though I wish it would). I can’t deny that this is pretty much the perfect time to archive my fics what with the surge of plagiarism coming into the light right now. Of course though, plagiarism has always been around and it happens to anyone over anything, they way I think in no way ignores the fact that something like that is out there and unfortunately we all take a risk when sharing anything online (tho ofc plagiarism can happen even irl but this is more focusing on online). I knew that risk going into it and it hurts when I see other people I know and people I don’t know have their hard work taken by some random stranger all so that person can get more praise from more random strangers on the Internet bc they couldn’t come up with a creative idea on their own.

I really hope that these issues can be resolved and I always send my love and support to all authors who have been affected by plagiarism. I’m glad more people are being brave and using their anger to act and call out these people and standing up for themselves or others. Putting those emotions into something positive is what I hope for the most.

Now the last thing I wanna talk about is the reason I (myself) am taking a break. I think that the timing as I mentioned couldn’t have been better what with everything going on, but these issues aren’t actually the real reason I’m taking this break but i kind of Sept my reasons reasoning under the rug bc it wasn’t necessarily as urgent as others.

My reason is simply bc I’ve kind of lost that drive to post my stuff online at all. The same thing happened when I used to draw and post art years back. I realized that I just enjoy these activities for myself and my friends rn rather than sharing it with a ton of people. Now this isn’t to say that I hate it or that I’ll never post again ever. I doubt that honestly. But I think taking this break is good for me bc I just want to talk about my fics and/or share them with friends right now and that’s enough for me. Im sad to stop posting, yes, but it feels kind of like I’m closing a chapter. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind later on or want to post again either! I think we forget sometimes that we can make decisions and essentially unmake them down the road. There doesn’t need to be this fear of seeming indecisive to others or anything like that. I feel like I’d love to come back and post again some time but for now I’m good. I enjoy being on tumblr to reblog posts, chat and ramble, and maybe even come back to see messages in my inbox. That alone makes me happy and I just don’t wanna add anything else to it rn.

Will I be back to posting? I feel like I will at some point, but idk when that point is exactly. For now, I’m gonna take my time and think about it. I’m gonna keep writing but I just don’t think I need to share it online rn haha and I’m content with that. I don’t believe I was ever “unappreciated” on here, I was happy sharing for the most part, and any and all feedback gave me a little pep in my step, but it wasn’t the sole reason I was posting and that in and of itself I think was the reason I didn’t quit posting on tumblr a long time ago. I do hope that for those who continue to post on tumblr, they know it’s okay to keep doing it. I don’t want them thinking that with people leaving they’re wrong or bad or insane for still posting. Everyone should just do what feels right for them. I hope more and more people will come to appreciate authors more, not just of kpop fic but any fic or any writing. I hope creatives will be appreciated and given lots of love and they will have lots of joy rather than stress in their lives. I just don’t feel like being one of those creatives right now, and that’s okay. I can always come back if or when I feel like it.

I think that’s all sorry for this word dump, this is a fic length itself 😭😂

#mail #rain !! 🤍#sorry I rambled so much #I think this’ll probs be the last post where I talk about this so I’ll just refer ppl to this one if the need arises #just to avoid repeating myself!! JAKSJSJ #I told someone else that I’ll probs make an actual post #something short and maybe I’ll link this post with my thoughts if anyone actually cares or is curious lol #that way I have something ppl can refer to #gosh my brain is running a mile a minute I think I had all of this deep inside I’m glad to get it off my chest

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from-izzy · 29 days ago

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hello, i recently came across what you said about friendships and i’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through..it’s been close to a year since i came across your blog and i have loved every single work you’ve put out there! i love how you’re never afraid and you’re transparent about the things you write because i know not many people are vocal about these.

i really do hope you are able to fix things up between whoever that is treating you that way but if not it’s okay and you can move on! you only deserve to have supportive friends around you and i hope you still have ones where you can go to in times of need and they’ll give you a shoulder to lean on.

just wanted to say that you’re also doing great and i wish you all the best! have a good day dear writer <3

omg this got so long i’m so so sorry :’)))))

hi anon!! wow 🥹 i read this on my 10 min break at work today and i had to hold back my tears after my break (happy tears ofc!!) ❤️ truthfully, i hope my friendships will be ok 🥹 there are a ton of ppl i want to reach out to (especially since i'm in a better state now) but on my part i'm too scared to because i feel like i hurt them too. this is just truly my opinion but in all conflicts, even if it feels like the other person started it etc, both sides carry a heavy feeling. and i guess for me, i just need to muster my strength to reach out to them again 🥹❤️‍🩹 thank you so much for your wishes!! make sure you surround yourself with supportive friends too!!

and wait! you've been supporting this blog for almost a year?!?? that means you've practically been here from the start 😭🫂 thank you so much for your continued support. i'm so glad to hear that voicing out my experiences has impacted you nicely 🫶 and thank you for recognising my efforts 💖

hearing that i'm doing great really means a lot to me, thank you so much for your words and wishes 💗 i only wish the same for you too! sending love and hugs!! have an awesome rest of the day/night 💞

(and no don't apologise i love any kind of interactions 🥰)

#💖 izzy answers your asks!#🥰 izzy's lovely anon/s #📋 izzy's writing feedback

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suugrbunz · 7 months ago

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Hey! 💝anon here.. That was me giving tips earlier.. Been back on Tumblr for just a couple days, clearing out my old account, saying hellos to old online friends. Thank you, so much, for how you inspired my story last year. You motivated me - so much!

The story finished. I adidn’t do a huge amount with Maureen & Lyam’s relationship; they had a few more moments together, bonding & learning to trust & appreciate each other. Their final moment in the story was their first kiss! (I can send a snippet if you’d like?)

I turned 19 last year (so, a bit younger than you I suppose :)) It’s been good, getting offline. It’s given me more time to do other things; learn gardening from an elderly relative, do some singing (on my own lol), spend time with my family, learn about things that interest me.

Anyway. Hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself, and you can find ways to make life easier, whatever those ways are.

I understand about the streaming service thing. My family usually just watch cheap second hand DVDs (charity shop sells 20 DVDs for £1!), and occasionally use the cheaper version of Netflix (with ads). I use Internet Archive (archive.org) for books and films (manly older, lesser known films), it’s free, so that’s a good option.

And totally, get away from Instagram & TikTok! If you think you’d be happier without it, drop it! People online can be really nasty. I quit looking at Reddit, & basically all comments, last year after I suffered a deep depression (due to peoples’ extremely nasty comments toward a part of lgbt that I identify with) Doing a lot better now.

IDK, and it’s not my business, but hope something works for you. The best people, the ones worth knowing, are those who appreciate character and kindness over consumerist beauty ideals (I say consumerist cause it’s in my belief that we’re pretty well brainwashed to think “perfect looking” people look good; a way of getting people to keep buying makeup they don’t need and the latest fashions)

Ahh, hope this isn’t too much, I write fast and am only basing this all off a couple posts I saw you made, so I’m real sorry if it’s too much! I’ve got a ton of spare time today so I’m just rambling.

I can’t be coming back to online socialising like I used to, as it took up so much of my limited spare time last year, so this is a rarity, just to say hello. Hugs 🫂

💝anon

i literally cried seeing it was you— i was noshing on a gyro, crying alone in the kitchen. I have hereditary depression, so it won't get better. It'll always be there. It's just worse than normal lately. Hoping it'll calm down, I wrote and edited some of my book today.

This is like writing a lovely old pen pal, ah, it's nearly therapeutic. I think of you often. I'm nearing tears as i write this because something about talking to you has felt so homeward bound. I love archive, that's how I watched the clash movie, Rude Boy! I have some unread books I wish to finish, one is kafka and the other is khalil gibran. You should see the khalil gibran book, it has such an ornate cover.

I adopted a cat since we've last spoken, she was beside my neighbours house during a storm. I had been taking out my dog and heard her meowing. When i approached her, she immediately came to me. Oh, her name is Laila, she's a tortoise shell.

I definitely have to agree, we are brainwashed constantly to see aging as a sign of lost beauty. Similarly, we are taught that our bodies are never enough because whatever the trend is— it isn't for a girl with an hourglass body. I told my mother the other night, through lots of tears i have never truly loved myself. I mean, around puberty is when confidence develops, at least in my opinion. I got bullied for my body developing into what it now is. So, you can imagine what eating disorder shit i go through because of it. Only fueled by my mother also having a fucked up perception of body-image as well. I am trying my best to understand that my value is an independent variable from the weight on a scale.

Please send me all the writing you wish to, I remember loving your writing. I started publishing my book, but it's completely different. I had to change everything; it was going nowhere. I couldn't get a plot to stitch together. I was nearly at the point of deleting it. Then, out of the blue, I woke up after some dream and was like— "what if I used tamino as a faceclaim? What if x, y, z?". Soooo, i ended up experimenting with it and i actually followed through on replacing nick (i want to implement him in the new book tbh, i miss him). Ah, i hope you find the time to read the chapters I have published... that is if you want to read them, truly there is no pressure there. Again though; please send me your work.

#💝 anon #౨ৎ guys my favourite anon is back 🥹

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