#love this awful movie and this sassy gay witch boy

[michaun]

HALLOWEEN HEXATHLON Day One - Favorite Witchy Villian/Antagonist

➛ Sebastian Stan as Chase Collins in The Covenant

Oops, wait. Did I just say witch?

[ashdumpsterpile]

what are ur thoughts on edmund pevensie

aah I'm so glad someone asked!! thank uuu <3

My thoughts on Edmund Pevensie? Mr. redemption arc boy? My sassy bean? Sulky little shit boy? Oh my god where do I start.

(putting under the cut because this gets unnecessarily long and my mutuals are tired of me)

Edmund Pevensie is a horrible little gremlin who turns into a delightful little gremlin over the course of one book/movie and ends up being one of the best characters in the series. I don't know whether to rant about book!Edmund or Movie!Edmund, but I supposed I could do both?

So pre-redemption, Edmund is a generally awful person. I really like that. Whenever we get a redemption arc in modern media, it's usually 70% defending why Character A is actually a sad emo child who was neglected and actually you know what? It's everyone else's fault that this person does shitty things (i.e. k*lo ren, vanya hargreeves, mcu wanda, etc).

Edmund is a truly hateful person and canon DOES NOT APOLOGIZE OR VALIDATE IT. Even in the movies (where they make him more sympathetic by drawing attention to the fact that Edmund is a child being manipulated by an abuser) they recognize the fact that he was a nasty person before the White Witch ever came into play.

I LOVE that. I love a redemption arc. And the only way a redemption arc really, truly works is when the character being redeemed is a Bad Person. It makes it so, so much more satisfying when the character finally comes to their senses and Does The Thing that starts/completes their arc.

AND EDMUND'S IS TOP TIER. In the books, it's a bit less explicit, but by the time he finally reaches Aslan's camp and talks to Aslan, he's pretty much made a full 180. He is immediately forgiven by his siblings and the Narnians and when the White Witch turns up, he is unafraid. He has full confidence that Aslan knows what he's doing. In the Battle of Beruna, he's the only person smart enough to realize that going after the White Witch's wand is the best tactical move. There is no clear "heroes redeemed journey" (as i'm calling it). Edmund realizes that he was wrong, accepts Aslan, and helps defeat the White Witch.

The movie makes Edmund work a bit more. He's forgiven by his sisters', but not quite by his brother. It's vague whether or not the rest of Narnia has forgiven him. When the White Witch arrives, he shows visible fear. It's only after he breaks the White Witch's wand and dies/nearly dies doing so, that he's allowed to be fully redeemed and forgiven by his brother.

I have conflicting feelings about how both of these narratives are different and the indicators thereof of said differences, but that's a whole other meta post I don't have room for. What I can definitely say I do love about Movie!Edmund's redemption arc is how they conclude it. In the book, you don't actually see the moment where Edmund breaks the White Witch's wand and it's more inferred than directly stated that she's the one who wounded him. He also doesn't come as close to actual death in the books.

In the movie everything is absolutely fucking perfect. They start out the battle with Edmund looking unsure of anything except Peter and they end it with Edmund dying (?) in front of him. The moment where Edmund decides to defy Peter one last time and break the wand? 14 year old me was losing her SHIT. They literally could not have concluded his arc better. 10/10 Disney.

Prince Caspian--books and films--gives us a clearer picture of who Edmund is after his redemption arc. He's still kind of snarky, but 100% a ride or die for his siblings. He believes Lucy when she says she sees Aslan, supports Peter and Caspian in their quest to get Caspian on the throne, and is the most level-headed character in the book. He is also incredibly sulky in the books and 1000% done with Trumpkin's shit. It's delightful. They translate this in movieverse for him being 1000% done with Peter's shit which is even better. He does not really have an arc or plotline, but as a supportive character he's a 10/10.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader has my favorite Edmund. This is an Edmund without his older siblings. This is an Edmund who gets to bond with Lucy, Caspian, and Eustace and have wacky sea adventures. The Lucy/Edmund dynamic is STRONG and I am living for it. Both of them banding together to hate Eustace for half the book? 11/10. Both of them banding together to love Eustace for the other half of the book? 14/10.

Also, this is the book where we find out Edmund reads detective novels. Which is adorable and so in character for him.

Oh my god let's talk about Eustace and Edmund. After Eustace tells Edmund about what happened with him and Aslan and apologizes for being a dick? Edmund is immediately there to reassure him that all is forgiven, and actually? Edmund was a worse person his first visit to Narnia. (Pls get some self esteem Edmund.) Let's talk about Eustace and Edmund being protective over Lucy (who doesn't really appreciate it, but it's adorable just the same).

Movie!Edmund in this story is also a snarky delight, but the main thing that jumps out to me is HE AND CASPIAN ARE SO GAY FOR EACH OTHER HOLY SHIT. LIKE THEY TRIED TO PUSH LUCY/CASPIAN FOR A HOT SECOND AND THEN GAVE UP BECAUSE CASSMUND IS LIVING THEIR BEST GAY PIRATE LIFE.

Oh we should probably talk about Edmund in the Horse and His Boy. Yeah, this one is a real delight because we actually get to see grown up Edmund. There are so really awesome moments here, especially with him and Susan. My favorite is where he basically tells her, "yeah if you married that dick prince I would have totally hated you for it. thanks for making a good choice on that." Lmao. It's really interesting to see him more measured and mature in this book.

So anyway, to cut this rambling reply short. Edmund Pevensie has been my favorite character since I was 11 and first read the Narnia books and he continues to be in each adaption of the series. Can't wait for the Netflix adaption.

(ask me about book vs. movie meta, cassmund analysis, the problem of susan, or anything else narnia related for more ramblings <3)

[scarletwelly-boots]

Books Read 2020

I started off really good this year, what with quarantine and all. And then I got sidetracked by reading one hundred and forty-nine fanfics (and counting) (mostly Destiel; CW can kiss my ass). 

I read 30 books this year, which I thought was bad, but apparently I only read 24 last year, so not awful. I did the Popsugar reading challenge for the fifth year. There were 50 categories this year, so 60% isn’t too bad. So without further ado, let’s get started under the cut.

1. The Mermaid, The Witch, and the Sea, Maggie Tokuda-Hall (a book that’s published in 2020). This book, y’all. My god. It has it all: pirates, queer relationships, genderfluid characters, an intense plot. This book was so good. I definitely recommend this book. Pirates!!! And gay!

2. Somebody Told Me, by Mia Siegert (a book by a trans or nonbinary author). I don’t know how Siegert identifies, but I know they use they/them pronouns. This book was... okay but frustrating. A bigender teen, Aleks/Alexis, has a traumatic experience and moves in with their aunt and uncle, who is a newly converted Catholic priest. I liked the queer rep, but sometimes it felt like the author had these assumptions or prejudices about the Catholic church. Some of them were right, granted, and I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore so I don’t know why it pissed me off, but it bugged me anyway. So I guess if you don’t mind it seeming like the author did little to no research on Catholicism, then it’s a good book.

3. All the King’s Men, by Nora Sakavic (a bildungsroman). Who, me? Rereading my gay comfort trilogies during quarantine? It’s more likely than you think. Love the All for the Game trilogy. This is the third book in the series. It’s the best book in the trilogy. It is a series about a college sports team who play a made up sport called Exy, which is basically a more violent version of lacrosse. I’m not a huge sports fan, but the way she writes Exy matches had me on the edge of my seat. The team is made up of all “at-risk” students, the main character being a kid on the run from his mob boss dad. Trigger warning for the series for violence, sexual assault/rape, abuse, drug use, I may be missing some things. It was so good though.

4. Captive Prince, by C.S.Pacat (a book with a map). Back again with the gay comfort trilogies. This is the first book in the Captive Prince trilogy, and whoops, did I say love All For the Game? Love this series more. It’s awesome. It’s fantasy and gay and romantic. But the romance isn’t even the central part. Laurent is my favorite asshole. Damen is so sweet and sassy as fuck. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Seriously. I can’t do this series justice.

5. The Foxhole Court, by Nora Sakavic (a book recommended by your favorite blog, vlog, podcast, or online book club). First book in the All for the Game series. What are you still doing here? Go start this trilogy!

6. Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine (a book that passes the bechdel test). This is such a good book. It was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. It’s basically a retelling of Cinderella, and if you’ve seen the movie version with Anne Hathaway, the book is way, way better. 

7. Loki: The God Who Fell to Earth, by Oscar Basaldua (a book with the same title as a movie or TV show but is unrelated to it). God, I cannot WAIT for the Loki show. Anyway, this is a new comic about Loki (obviously). I love anything with my disaster wife in it, so 100% I recommend it. 

8. As Drowning Men Clutch at Straws, by EA Roisin (a book by an author with flora or fauna in their name). Okay, so. Roisin is an Irish name that means rose, and EA Roisin is my (unpublished) pen name. In my defense, the manuscript is 186 pages long and it felt like an accomplishment when I finally finished rereading it for the first time since I finished it in 2015. Do I recommend it? I’ll let you know if it ever gets published.

9. Red White and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston (a book that won an award in 2019). I’m still rereading this book. I got interrupted because my sister wanted to read it and then I got a new book for my birthday. But this is, far and away, my FAVORITE BOOK. It’s so beautiful. It was very romantic (once they stopped “hating” each other), and gay. The premise sounds far-fetched: First Son of the United States falls for the Crown Prince of England. But, guys, it’s soooo gooooood. Highly, highly, highly recommend. 

10. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor, by Hank Green (a book with only words on the cover, no images or graphics). This is the sequel to An Absolutely Remarkable Thing. This was just as great as the first, but I spent a good chunk of the book vibrating with anxiety. The stakes were way higher, and I don’t think I’ve been scared while reading a book since reading Jade Green (Phyllis Reynolds Naylor) in junior high (which was fucking terrifying, btw). But I definitely recommend it!

11. Crush, by Richard Siken (a book with a pun in the title). Guys. I read this book almost every year, because it’s quick and gorgeous and the title is accurate because it absolutely crushes me. This is a collection of LGBT (more specifically, gay) poetry, and OH MY GOD. This is in my top five favorite books. I read it all the time. This is the book that made me fall in love with poetry, back in high school.

12. The Raven King, by Nora Sakavic (a book with a bird on the cover). The second book in the All for the Game series. Trigger warnings for All the King’s Men apply to this one, too. 

13. 1014: Brian Boru, by Morgan Llewelyn (a fiction or nonfiction book about a world leader). If you know me, you know I’m a complete Irish history nerd. This book is about a very important battle that took place in Ireland, and the last great High King of Ireland, Brian Boru. High Kings are mostly just an elected title, who get paid via taxes from provincial kings and chieftains, but Brian was the only one who saw as close to a united, free Ireland as it got until 1921 (although since the island is split between the North and the Republic, it’s still not totally unified). I recommend if you like history.

14. The Magnolia Sword, by Sherry Thomas (a book by a WOC). Oh. My. God. So this is a retelling of the ballad of Mulan. Mulan is a very important story to me anyway (tomboy as a child, genderfluid, bisexual as fuck), and this retelling was so good and interesting. It also features one of my favorite tropes, Surprise Gays. I highly, highly recommend.

15. My Own Ways Through This Life, by Chris Viau (a book with at least a four-star rating on Goodreads). Okay, so it miiiight have a four-star rating because of me and my camp family all rating it, but it counts. This is a mixed media autobiography by one of my camp friends. He has written at least three books, and all are available on Amazon. This is the only one I’ve read so far, and it was really interesting. I definitely recommend it. 

16. Insomniac City, by Bill Hayes (a book you meant to read in 2019). This book was beautiful and heartbreaking. It was a Christmas gift from my brother. It’s a memoir about Bill’s time in a relationship with Oliver Sacks, a famous neurologist. It’s sweet and melancholic and funny. Huge recommendation.

17. Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens’ Agenda, by Becky Albertalli (a book about or involving social media). Still such a wonderful book. Better than the movie, I’m telling you. It was really good, and I definitely cried. If you liked the movie, read the book. It’s different in several ways. I think if you’re thinking in terms of trueness to the book, the movie was maybe not as good, but they’re both good as their own standalone things. But I highly recommend both.

18. Loki: Agent of Asgard, by Jason Ewing (a book that has a book on the cover). This is such a good series. It’s a great characterization of my disaster wife.  I love this graphic novel series. I love how they depict Loki, how he finally gets a goddamn redemption arc. It’s a really fun read. Check it out.

19. Kings Rising, by CS Pacat (a book with a made up language). This is pushing it, since they never actually speak in the made up languages on paper. But UGH. Third book in the Captive Prince trilogy, and hands down the best. Laurent and Damen finally let go of the goddamn longing and actually do something about it.

20. The Deep, by Rivers Solomon (a book set in a country beginning with C). This is pushing it, because it’s about mermaids (basically), but I think they’re in the Caribbean. I loved this book. It was so interesting. It’s based on a song by clipping., Daveed Diggs’s group. The premise is the wajinru (the mermaid people) originated as the infants from pregnant Africans that died and were thrown overboard during the slave trade. So like, it’s a pretty heavy book. But it’s heartfelt and sweet, too. Also more Surprise Gays, which came at an excellent time (November, post-Supernatual finale) for me. I highly recommend.

21. Written in the Stars, by Alexandria Bellefleur (a book you picked because the title caught your attention). I just finished this book tonight and it was so. good. It’s basically a modern, lesbian, fake dating rendering of Pride and Prejudice. And let me tell you, if there’s one thing I love more than Pride and Prejudice, it’s lesbians. It’s really really great. I highly, highly recommend. 

22. Running with Lions, by Julian Winters (a book with a three-word title). Thanks to All for the Game and movies like Handsome Devil and Boys, I have discovered that I have a huge thing for queer sport stories. So this book was really, really good. It’s got friends to enemies to friends to lovers, which is great. It’s got soccer, which is way more homoerotic now. And it’s got gays, which is really why I picked this book up. But it’s well written and the story is interesting, too. I definitely recommend.

23. The Prince and the Dressmaker, by Jen Wang (a book with a pink cover). Oh my god. AHHHHH!!! This book is amazing. It’s a graphic novel, so it’s a quick read. It’s fantasy and feels a little Cinderella-y, but that’s not the best part. The queer relationship is amazing, but that’s not the best part. The prince is genderfluid! Like me! And his mask name is Sebastian! Like me! (Okay, so my name is Bastien, but close enough) This was so so so good. I got it at a convention in February, and I was practically vibrating with excitement as I read it. I highly highly highly recommend. 

24. Girl Crushed, by Katie Heaney (a book by or about a journalist). I think I’d have liked this book better if it wasn’t so...similar to my life. The main premise is the main character is getting over a sudden and painful break up, after being dumped by her long-term (maybe first? I can’t remember) girlfriend. The ex has the same initials as my ex and acted very similarly, so maybe I ended up picturing her when the character came up in the book. The ending pissed me off. It was very gay and that wasn’t the entirety of the book, so maybe you’ll like it more than me. It was just too true to life for me and opened up some old wounds I didn’t want to open up. The author is an editor at Buzzfeed, so that’s how it fits into this category. 

25. Date Me, Bryson Keller, by Kevin van Whye (your favorite prompt from a past POPSUGAR Reading Challenge--a book published this year). This might be my second or third favorite book, goddamn it’s that good. It’s queer, obviously, and sort of fake dating? Bryson is dared to date someone new each week. He’s assumed to be straight, so all the people he dates are girls until Kai asks him. It’s really sweet, and there’s some issues with coming out to your family that don’t always sit well with me, but overall it was really good and it ends well. I definitely recommend.

26. Loki: Where Mischief Lies, by Mackenzi Lee (a book written by an author in their 20s). AAAHHHH!!!! Fuckin.... Okay, y’all know I have feelings about Loki. He’s my spouse and I love him to death. This book was so, so good. Loki gets sent to Victorian London to solve a mystery and meets a group of humans who know about Asgard and basically keep Midgard in order for Odin. Loki is canonically pan and genderfluid (as he should be), and Theo is a sweetheart. I wrote a 10k fic coming out of reading this book (Phantom Limb by Irishavalon on AO3, check it out.). I seriously recommend!

27. Because of Winn-Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo (a book by an author who has written more than 20 books). I read this with my third graders at the beginning of this year. Such a good book. I read it as a kid too. The movie is great but as always, book is better. Recommend.

28. Adventures of Charls, the Veretian Cloth Merchant, by CS Pacat (a book with more than 20 letters in its title). This was a reread of a short story that comes after the Captive Prince trilogy. Charls, the cloth merchant, was such a great side character in the CP trilogy, and telling the story from his perspective was great. It doesn’t have to be read after the other CP short stories, but at least the trilogy should be read first.

29. Fence vol.1, by CS Pacat (a book from a series with more than 20 books). I’m pushing it with this category. I read the first volume, but this is a comic book series, so the 20 books is more issues. This is very good too. It’s another gay sports story, and is probably going to be enemies to lovers, but they’re still enemies by the end of volume 1. Still recommend. 

30. Prince’s Gambit, by CS Pacat (a book with a main character in their 20s). Book 2 of the Captive Prince trilogy. Very very good. 

[romcomathon2016]

The Perfect Man (USA, 2005)

Predictions: We had to look this up to decide whether to watch it (it was an understudy movie), so we knew that it was about Hilary Duff and her mom, Heather Locklear, both finding men. Kat was hoping that it would be like that episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch in which Sabrina's aunts try to bake her the perfect date out of "man dough."

Plot: Hilariously, as it turns out, Heather Locklear does wind up working in a bakery with one of Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunts. But let's backtrack a little first. Heather Locklear is a flaky flake of a single mom, who makes her daughters (Hilary Duff and girl!Jonathan Lipnicki) move every time she gets dumped, which seems to be, idk, like once a month???? She does not have it together in her personal life. Hilary Duff is all like, gosh, maybe I could have a friend, ever, but instead they move from Kansas to Brooklyn. What are you complaining about, Hilary Duff?? This is definitely an upgrade -- not to mention, what a nice apartment in Brooklyn! Good going, Heather Locklear. Your finances, at least, seem to be in order.

At school, Hilary Duff makes a friend, Vanessa Lengies, and meets a boy, Ben Feldman. (P.S. 2005 Ben Feldman looks almost exactly like 2017 Ben Feldman, and acts the same, too. In a charming way! But also, it's weird.) They are both nice, but Hilary Duff particularly doesn't want to get attached to Ben Feldman, because she knows that her mom will just get dumped and want to move again. But then, Hilary Duff meets Vanessa Lengies's uncle Chris Noth, who owns a restaurant and knows how to give a woman flowers. Hilary Duff is extremely taken with Chris Noth...on behalf of her mom???? (Sure, Hilary Duff, just keep telling yourself that.) But instead of, say, trying to introduce them, like any normal person, she decides to stalk and impersonate him and catfish her own mother. Because...if her mom experiences fake happiness, they’ll never have to move again?? Yes. That's exactly why. Not joking.

As you might imagine, many shenanigans ensue. At first it's just an innocent orchid, left on the doorstep, but soon enough Hilary Duff is writing letters, sending emails from China AKA Ben Feldman's house, courting her own mother via AIM… Super normal stuff, you guys. She even enlists Ben Feldman to fake a phone call in which "Chris Noth" dumps her mom, when she finally realizes that she can't keep INDEFINITELY DATING HER OWN MOTHER, but that blows up in her face because Ben Feldman can't keep his eye on the prize and starts, like, being all romantic, thinking about Hilary Duff, talking to her mom on the phone about it… He almost tells her he loves her… I MEAN, WHAT????????

Anyway, Hilary Duff then gets mad at Ben Feldman, but he tells her how he feels and kisses her, but she's much too busy to deal with you, Ben Feldman; she needs to go set her mom up on a date with Chris Noth -- but first, she has to BREAK UP CHRIS NOTH'S WEDDING to get him there. (Thank god, it turns out to not actually be his wedding. But that does not excuse Hilary Duff's terrible intentions, nor does it make it less weird that she thought she was going to accomplish this feat by showing a previously-unsuspecting Chris Noth all the email proof of how she catfished her own mom.) Anyway, when this obviously fails, she finally tells her mother the truth, and Heather Locklear, despite her own questionable choices, is understandably like WTF, kid, and they get in a fight. Yet Heather Locklear somehow overcomes the unpleasant experience of being dumped by her own daughter and, for once, does not decide to move.

BUT THEN. Hilary Duff gets in, like, barely a fight with Ben Feldman, and SHE wants to move. Plot twist, y'all! Hilary Duff is like, COME ON, MOM, WE MOVE BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A MOOD ALL THE TIME, and Heather Locklear is like, sigh, well, I guess that's reasonable! So they're all about to move, but then Ben Feldman stops by to apologize, and Heather Locklear realizes that, oh, Hilary Duff wants to move because of a boy, and maybe this total inability to deal with pain or conflict is the result of Heather Locklear's terrible example her whole life! So THEN, Heather Locklear catfishes Ben Feldman over AIM, and Ben Feldman (weirdly wise whenever speaking to Heather Locklear????) drops some knowledge on her, and Heather Locklear realizes that she and Hilary Duff both need to learn how to see things through.

Meanwhile, Chris Noth, perhaps out of a morbid curiosity, actually does read Hilary Duff's emails with her mom, and (although we would not) decides to forgive this psychotic child her foibles. He lets Hilary Duff bring him to the bakery and point out Heather Locklear, and he goes in and asks her out. One wonders whether, in their future relationship, Chris Noth and Heather Locklear will discuss the incredibly bizarre and disturbing circumstances that brought them together. Hilary Duff makes up with Ben Feldman, and he takes her to her first school dance. Girl!Jonathan Lipnicki, the most sensible character in this movie, participates in a spelling bee. Huzzah!

Best Scene: ...M-maybe when Hilary Duff first meets Chris Noth, and we don't yet know what terrible choices she's about to make? He is quite attractive and well-dressed, and, unlike everyone else we've met so far in Brooklyn, does not have a ridiculously overdone Brooklyn accent. Perhaps actual!Chris Noth was like, "No, hard pass, I'm not doing that." Good choice, sir. But, speaking of choices, your choice to do this movie? Bizarre. You were so famous already in 2005!!!! You have such a stable television career!!!!!!!! What possessed you??

Worst Scene: It is so hard to decide, you guys, between Heather Locklear's lowest moment and Hilary Duff's lowest moment. Heather Locklear's lowest moment is when she stands up at an all-school meeting and tells the entire community -- kids, parents, teachers, counselors -- how desperately she is looking for a man. Yeah, it's REAL BAD. Hilary Duff's lowest moment, of course, is when she destroys Chris Noth's friend's wedding, shouting that the groom can't marry the bride, because he has to marry her mom instead. (This is before she realizes that the groom is not Chris Noth.) Sooooo bad. So awkward. THOUGH, in Hilary Duff's defense, Chris Noth did kiss the bride on the mouth in front of her, so, while it was utterly psychotic that she crashed the wedding, it was not crazy that she thought that was his fiancée. APPARENTLY, Chris Noth and this woman are just "good friends." SURE. WE KISS OUR FRIENDS ON THE MOUTH ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. ANY OLD FRIEND, A MOUTH-KISS.

Best Line: "No, it isn't. Okay, the face a little bit. But that woman is on a horse. You're not on a horse. That's a completely different person." -- Ben Feldman, doing a hilariously terrible job of denying that he drew a comic of Hilary Duff.

Worst Line: Oh...so hard to choose. Pretty much anything Hilary Duff wrote while she was catfishing her mom. Except when she didn't know what time it was in China. That was funny.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: Carson Kressley, employee at Chris Noth's restaurant. The gayest employee. He simply could not turn off the gay. His every line, scene, and momentary appearance was about his gayness. It was literally the opposite of "no homo." "YES, HOMO. YES!!!!" he shouted with his body and his words. Every time we saw him. Chris Noth's face was like, "You need to contain your gayness, Carson Kressley, because it is inappropriate for the workplace," and Carson Kressley's face was like, "Ooooo, construction workers! Let me abandon my job responsibilities and seduce them."

How Many POC in the Film: Sassy black lady at the bakery. Black English teacher. Black passerby. That was pretty much it.

Alternate Scenes: We are a little bit interested in the story of Chris Noth and his "good friend" that he apparently kisses on the mouth???? What's the history there? Is he sad that he's only catering/attending her wedding, rather than starring in it with her? Also, she was hot, and seemed quite a bit less troubled than Heather Locklear. Also, she doesn't have a psychotic daughter Hilary Duff. You know. These are all things she has going for her.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Obviously worse! Don't get us wrong, the movie was awful, but we had a hilariously great time watching it. The poster, meanwhile, is the poster for a plucky family movie about Heather Locklear, her two daughters, and her husband Chris Noth, who works too much, probably at the State's Attorney's Office in Cook County.

Score: 5.5 out of 10 cross-generational-catfishing smooches. Just to be clear, guys, this score is NOT an indication of the quality of this film; we completely stand behind the 6% rating this movie has on Rotten Tomatoes. However, if you and your most judgmental pal are interested in getting drunk and having a movie night, this is an A+ choice. 106% The Perfect Film for that activity.

Ranking: 30, out of the 79 movies we’ve seen so far. Wow, that’s so high... So high that some might wonder if we were high when we scored it. We were not. Kind of makes it worse, doesn't it? #noregrets #unlikechrisnoth #probably

[gossipnetwork-blog]

American Horror Story Characters Ranked: From Cult Leaders to Coven Members & Everything in Between

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/american-horror-story-characters-ranked-from-cult-leaders-to-coven-members-everything-in-between/

American Horror Story Characters Ranked: From Cult Leaders to Coven Members & Everything in Between

Over the course of seven installments, American Horror Story has introduced the world to all manner of crazy characters, from witches to vampires to insane cult leaders and everything else in between. And we do mean, everything.

Now that American Horror Story: Cult has come to its conclusion (with nary a supernatural being in sight, to boot!), the time is right to revisit our roundup of all the main actors in Ryan Murphy‘s troupe who’ve performed multiple characters over the years and update our ranking. Yes, that means Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Cheyenne Jackson, Frances Conroy and, of course, Jessica Lange—as well as newbies to the list, Adina Porter and Chaz Bono—and their characters from Murder House, Asylum, Coven, Freak Show, Hotel, Roanoke and Cult.

Which Paulson character reigns supreme? And which among Peters’ leads the pack? Read on to find out!

FX

American Horror Story Characters—Ranked!

Each year, the American Horror Story characters are dealt a new hand to play. They’ll go from angel of death to campy witch and murderer to coked out model as AHS reboots for another chapter. But let’s face it: some characters pop more than others. In honor of the AHS: Cult finale, we ranked each actor’s characters from best to worst. Click through to find out each actor’s best character now!

FX

Adina Porter’s No. 2. Lee Harris, AHS: Roanoke

Lee wasn’t the most likable person, but she was the last one standing when all was said and done.

FX

Adina Porter’s No. 1. Beverly Hope, AHS: Cult

Was there a more powerful woman in Cult than Beverly? Sure, she may have fallen under Kai’s sway, but she woke up when it mattered most. 

FX

Chaz Bono’s No. 2. Lot Polk, AHS: Roanoke

Bono didn’t have a ton to do but look menacing as the reenactment’s version of the cannibalistic Polk.

FX

Chaz Bono’s No. 1. Gary Longstreet, AHS: Cult

As Kai’s most loyal servant, Gary never had too much to do, but he sure was willing to promote the cause no matter the cost. (Hint: His life.)

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 5. Nora Montgomery, AHS: Murder House

A sad ghost with a penchant for baby taking, Nora is the weaker of Lily Rabe’s AHS characters.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 4. Shelby Miller, AHS: Roanoke

She was an adulterer, a murderer, and a Yogi. But worst of all about Shelby? She was a whiner.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 3. Aileen Wuornos, AHS: Hotel

Yes, Rabe played real-life serial killer (and inspiration for the movie Monster) Aileen Wuornos in an over-the-top performance in Hotel for one episode. Eat your heart out, Charlize Theron!

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 2. Sister Mary Eunice, AHS: Asylum & Freak Show

Sister Mary Eunice was Rabe’s most developed character. She was sweet and innocent…until she was possessed. Lots of opportunity for Rabe to do a variety of emotions here.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 1. Misty Day, AHS: Coven

The shawls, the Stevie Nicks obsession…Misty was fun!

FX

Lady Gaga’s No. 2. Scathach (Reenactment), AHS: Roanoke

Not as much a character than a plot device, the fact that the most exciting thing about Scathach (the fact that she was the original Supreme in Coven) was revealed in a Ryan Murphy interview rather than onscreen isn’t good.

FX

Lady Gaga’s No. 1. The Countess, AHS: Hotel

Glam, sensuous, and with a pressing thirst for blood? That’s how we like our Gaga.

Michele K. Short/FX

Matt Bomer’s No. 2. Andy, AHS: Freak Show

Sure Matt Bomer showed some skin, but his gay rent boy character was offed straight away. No development there.

Frank Ockenfels/FX

Matt Bomer’s No. 1. Donovan, AHS: Hotel

He’s showing skin, his killer hair and an actual story arc? We’re sold.

FX

Cheyenne Jackson’s No. 3. Dr. Rudy Vincent, AHS: Cult

Nice twist revealing that Rudy was Kai and Winter’s older brother, but the character never really felt all that developed.

FX

Cheyenne Jackson’s No. 2. Will Drake, AHS: Hotel

Will was gay, but then he fell in love with the Countess? We love Gaga as much as everyone else, but that was wildly unbelievable—which is saying something, considering this franchise.

FX

Cheynne Jackon’s No. 1. Sidney Aaron James, AHS: Roanoke

Was Sidney a total sociopath? Sure. But was his unwavering devotion to keeping his reality show alive, blood moon and murderous ghosts, absolutely hysterical? You betcha.

FX

Emma Roberts No. 3. Serena Belinda, AHS: Cult

She was nasty to Beverly and she paid dearly for it. 

Michele K. Short/FX

Emma Roberts’ No. 2. Maggie, AHS: Freak Show

A con artist who really didn’t do much to endear herself to viewers, compared to Emma Roberts’ Coven character, this is very easy to call.

Michele K. Short/FX

Emma Roberts’ No 1. Madison, AHS: Coven

The unapologetic attitude, the magic powers, the “Surprise, bitch” meme … need we go on as to why Madison Montgomery is Roberts’ tops AHS character?

FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 4. Ambrose White, AHS: Roanoke

If he’d only supported his mother, Tomasin would’ve never turned into the Butcher and no one in Roanoke would’ve been in the miserable mess they were in. Way to go, Ambrose.

Prashant Gupta/FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 3. John Lowe, AHS: Hotel

Ugh, there was nothing redeeming for Wes Bentley to do with him.

FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 2. Dylan, AHS: Roanoke

Dylan might’ve been the most sensible person on Roanoke. Naturally, he only lasted an episode. But his calm use of his Army skills to at least try and get the remaining survivors to safety was admirable. RIP Dylan.

Michele K. Short/FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 1. Edward Mordrake, AHS: Freak Show

Dude had a little head on the back of his own! He was creepy and helped usher Jessica Lange out of her last AHS.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 3. Jether Polk, AHS: Roanoke

1. You don’t hire Finn Wittrock and hide his pretty face under all that inbred aesthetic. 2. If you do, you make him stick around for more than an episode.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 2. Tristan, AHS: Hotel

Sure we got to see Finn Wittrock shirtless (a lot) and make out with, well, everybody. But Tristan was just pretty annoying.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 1. Dandy, AHS: Freak Show

His first American Horror Story role and best American Horror Story role. Dandy was a sociopath and you could tell Wittrock had a great time sinking his teeth into the gig.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 4. Alicia, AHS: Coven

Mare Winningham has played a lot of pretty awful people on AHS, but her worst one yet has got to be Kyle’s sexually abusive mom.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 3. Rita, AHS: Freak Show

Is Alicia worse than Pepper’s sister Rita? They’re both pretty awful.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 2. Sally Keffler, AHS: Cult

We would’ve loved to have spent five more episodes with Winningham’s badass alt-right fighting, joint rolling Sally. Alas, Kai and his goons made sure that would never happen.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 1. Ms. Evers, AHS: Hotel

Sure she had her problems, but with Ms. Evers, Winningham finally got more to do than be terrible.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 3. Marjorie, AHS: Freak Show

Can we pretend the all that Neil Patrick Harris stuff didn’t happen on Freak Show? Silver lining: We got Jamie Brewer back into the mix.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 2. Nan, AHS: Coven

Admit it, you were so pissed when Nan was killed on Coven.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 1. Adelaide, AHS: Murder House

Addie was one of the few characters you can actually really feel for on AHS, despite her warnings of death and what not.

FX

Gabourey Sidibe’s No. 2. Regina, AHS: Freak Show

Gabourey Sidibe had so little to do besides get killed by Dandy.

Michele K. Short/FX

Gabourey Sidibe’s No. 1. Queenie, AHS: Coven & Hotel

Yas, Queenie! So brash and so sassy, Queenie was the best. Who could forget her friendship with Kathy Bates’ LaLaurie?

FX

Zachary Quinto’s No. 2. Chad, AHS: Murder House

Zachary Quinto‘s controlling former owner of the Murder House wasn’t anything to write home about.

FX

Zachary Quinto’s No. 1. Dr. Thredson, AHS: Asylum

Creepy with a capitol C!

FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 3. Sophie Green, AHS: Roanoke

When we heard that Taissa Farmiga was returning to AHS in her third role, we were thrilled. When she showed up as a truly stupid moderator of a My Roanoke Nightmare fan site, just to be brutally impaled and burned alive—well, we were considerably less thrilled.

FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 2. Zoe, AHS: Coven

A little on the annoying side, Zoe’s power of the killer vagina was the only thing that made her interesting.

Ray Mickshaw/FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 1. Violet, AHS: Murder House

Spunky and ghostly is just the way we like Taissa Farmiga.

FX

Alexandra Breckinridge’s No. 2. Kaylee, AHS: Coven

A pyrotechnic witch, she was easily duped by and then killed by Hank. Meh.

FX

Alexandra Breckinridge’s No. 1. Moira, AHS: Murder House

Alexandra Breckenridge played the younger Frances Conroy who used this form to tempt and taunt men.

FX

Chloe Sevigny’s No. 2. Alex, AHS: Hotel

Chloe Sevigny‘s character willingly became vampire(y) to be with her beloved son. Other than that, she was pretty boring.

FX

Chloe Sevigny’s No. 1. Shelley, AHS: Asylum

Sure this was a way smaller role, but you could tell she had one heck of a time playing the nymphomaniac who got experimented on by Dr. Arden

FX

Dylan McDermott’s No. 2. Johnny, AHS: Asylum

Talk about mommy and daddy issues!

Ray Mickshaw/FX

Dylan McDermott’s No. 1. Ben, AHS: Murder House

We went from loving to hating and wanting to do everything in between to Dylan McDermott‘s first character.

FX

Denis O’Hare’s No. 5. Stanley, AHS: Freak Show

The smarmiest character ever, his claim to fame was … his big penis.

Photos

See More From American Horror Story Characters Ranked (By Actor) From Worst to Best

Did the right Sarah Paulson character come out on top? How about our choice for top Evan Peters role? Sound off in the comments below!

American Horror Story will return for its eighth installment on FX in 2018.

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