#love these guys love all the new darkspawn creepies

[kalkydra]

whoa exploding screebs like from destinytwo

[jazzmckay]

part 2

today has been a roller-coaster, man. spoiler-free reaction to the stuff i did tonight:

MISSION STATUS: SICK

and now onto the details :3

continued my wetlands journeys. the fallow mire is still my favourite disease-ridden swamp, but the wetlands are pretty great too. spooky vibes all over the place and i'm into it. the creepy well, the "haunted" mansion... good shit, good shit. i especially liked the mansion, there were so many lil puzzles to unlock the whole place and i enjoy it

took out all the bosses i had waiting for me here! i travelled with davrin and lucanis. i have learned that they're the pair who are always poking at each other in this game. excellent news! fellas is it gay to banter with another man about how youll kill each other? fellas is it gay to have a dick measuring contest over how well youre killing darkspawn? fellas--

with those bosses dealt with, i headed back into the crossroads to finish off the revenants. after one, i seemed to find zevrans sword??? hell yeah i equipped that.

this is such a sad but cool lore detail ;w;

and then, morrigan. because i needed to know! and holy shit. morrythal??? mythigan???? that sounds like michigan, nevermind. i didnt see that coming, wow. after all these years, we have come full circle on morrigans possession-related arc. she seems happy though. and THIS is what she meant about her relationship with solas being "complex" lmfao god thats amazing. also did she imply andraste was a host for mythal?? dude

so i immediately proceeded to the other fragment of mythal because how could i resist. i made a hard save and tried to fight her just to see what it was like, and if i could pull it off. whats the worst that could happen right? i gave up after two tries is the worst that could happen lol the first time, i got her down to 1/3 health and the second attempt was a shitshow so i left it there, maybe ill reload that save someday to try again. but for now, i did the talking route, which was very interesting. mythal seemed so... uncannily small. so normal? for such a grand figure. being qunari makes everyone look a little tiny, admittedly (except emmrich who ALMOST matches my height, that guy got legs). still, facing her felt unnerving even with the simplicity of her form. really intense. i did manage to convince her tho :>

this is when the mission status really got sick. id killed all those bosses and i thought, "i might as well just have a peek at whats behind the big scary revenant door." i fully expected that was a fight i couldnt win yet but i was curious.

im level 31....

my reaction: OH SHIT OH FUCK nope no i dont think i can pull that off, i should just--

OH SHIT OH FUCK

well alright if dragon mythal is gonna help, i have to try

that was epic. it was actually great to talk to mythal and then do this back to back. absolutely wild. im glad i had taash with me, they loved it. it was a challenge fr. i love the new combat SO MUCH

what a ride uvu

davg day 6:

if anyone needs me i will be over here lying on the floor

i'd already collected all the wolf statuettes apparently so as soon as i got the last from the inky (!!!!!!) i was able to view all the regrets back to back to back to back....

so yes. the floor. im a fun mix of excited and overwhelmed and heartbroken. stunned to find a ton of my headcanons are now actual canon. how intense. poor solas, jfc, but also shiiiiiit the dagger and the titans, thats so damn rough. i understand why lace is as angry as she is. the dwarves absolutely got the worst deal ever here. they are, after all, the ones who have to deal with the darkspawn all the time, not just during a blight. i took so many screenshots during all this.... i loved that the whole team got together like a damn book club to discuss solas' worst memories omg... rip to solas he's been mega exposed. the mortifying ordeal of being known. but my rook is absolutely sympathetic. i'm constantly wishing i could go talk to him whenever i want :( solas :(((( (id REALLY like to write a missing scene where rook goes to talk to him after minrathous vs treviso because who the fuck else would understand the weight of dooming innocents on such a scale? part of her sympathy is because i, the player, am sympathetic, but i also think the harder being a leader gets, the more she understands the complexity of the choices he made)

the topic of curing the titans came up..... houghhh is it really possible? will it happen in this game? aAaAAA

and then im meeting someone in the crossroads with morrigan, who she called "she". am i about to meet mythal? in spirit form after solas took her power at the end of dai??? i realize i can get this answer as soon as i want lmao but theres soooo much i want to do at the same times always!!!!

TAASH. i need to know everything about you RIGHT NOW

during all these sequences, i found myself so intrigued by everything taash had to add. theyre actually... really fucking smart? brains AND brawn? my DUDE thats hot. i got this vibe from the "taash talks" stuff as well. there is so much to them beneath the Brutal Warrior vibe

also i got a giggle out of taash immediately being like "they were fucking" about solas and mythal, and i got approval for agreeing "oh they were definitely doing it" sdfgmf incredible

i did indeed get a continuation about taash's gender issues and i'm so in love.... it's actually really wonderful to see a character still figuring it out instead of already knowing. cathartic. the struggle of feeling "not normal" and having a different response to gender things than others. simply not having the frame of reference or the terminology, just knowing theres this Feeling. can't wait to see how it plays out

the way solas was responsible for this with the titans and then when he woke up in the current world with the veil, he felt like it HAPPENED AGAIN.... ACCIDENTALLY. TO HIS OWN PEOPLE im going to scream. the way its linked to tranquility. screaming and screaming and

honestly all of this was delicious in a ton of ways, including lace, bellara, and davrin just being present, leaning all this about the dwarves, the elves, and the blight. bellara and lace relating over the need to reevaluate so much of what they understood..... hhh and davrin probably now understands more about the blight than any other warden ever.

when bellara mentioned that solas might be able to possess someone to escape the fade my pupils went blown like an excited cat lol literally instantly "POSSES ME, SOLAS....."

yes yes we're supposed to be wary, we're expecting him to betray us of course of course but listen. rook and solas could be in one body fighting this together as a little treat. im just SAYING

so after this i did emmrichs personal mission in the necropolis gardens, which was fucking beautiful. i do actually find cemeteries really peaceful, personally. ive been to some old canadian ones and had a great time sitting in the grass between the headstones and writing in my journal. so i loved this very much. walked around quite a bit, not sprinting at all, just taking it in and doing the side quest there

also emmrich and bellara are team "upbeat and kind, reveal their traumatizing backstory, then go back to normal like that never came up!" omg they.... i wish there was a "hug companion" button

i went to the anderfels after but i was feeling a bit overstimulated with all the stuff i learned! but i will def play more later because i am dying to find out more

[sky-scribbles]

Party banter with Inquisitor Essek

(Because this ridiculous crossover has taken over my life. A brief explanation, as much as explanation is possible: a mis-cast spell has yote a post-campaign Essek through a planar rift and into Thedas, and he happened to land in the Temple of Sacred Ashes. These banters go up to the destruction of Haven, which is why Cole isn’t here - but he will be in later instalments!)

Cassandra: Leliana has found no information about you. Not a thing. Essek: Considering that most mages are met with disgust and imprisonment, it would be... imprudent of me to advertise my presence. Cassandra: Living in secrecy is one thing. Leaving no mark on the world at all is another. Essek: And you would prefer, I think, for all my secrets to be at your disposal.  Cassandra: Are you surprised that I suspect you have something to hide? Essek: Is hostile intent the only possible reason for secrecy, Seeker?

Solas: It would appear that your mark is affecting you physically, Herald. Essek: My hand was not green before, no. Solas: Aside from the obvious. While I tended to you after the conclave, you did not always seem to be asleep. At times, you lapsed into true unconsciousness. At other times, you seemed to trance, half-sleeping. Essek: Ah. Yes. I suppose... the connection to the Fade has altered the way I sleep. I find I can enter these trances at will, as a substitute for sleep. Solas: That is fascinating. The ancient elves could enter an endless dream called uthenera. Perhaps this is a related phenomenon. Essek: So one would assume.

Essek: So, Sera. I was going through  my research notes - Sera: [Sniggering] Essek: And I found that they had been expertly illustrated. Sera: That's what your weird rifty timey magic shite needs. All the butts. Essek: They certainly add interest. Although... that drawing of me closing a rift full of demon butts? You should have shaped my cloak so that it looked like a dick. Sera: [laughs] Like a dick! You're all right, Herald Weirdyhand. Essek: And you are quite the jester.

Varric: How is it you can just walk around pitch-black caves without a problem? Don’t tell me you're part-dwarf and it's stone-sense. Essek: Ah, no. I would assume it is yet another change from the mark. Varric: So this thing lets you fix the sky, and it's a free torch? Who knew that being Andraste's chosen came with a multi-purpose toolkit? Essek: There is no evidence for my being chosen by anything other than political convenience.  Varric: You’re not crazy about the whole Herald business, are you? Essek: About people deciding that I am the mouthpiece of an unproven god who does not speak to anyone, and yet whose name and teachings people use as an excuse for war and conquest, without investigating the truth behind those teachings? No. I am not.

Blackwall: So what does an apostate do, if he's on his own for... I don't know, how many years? Essek: Arcane research, mostly. Why, what does a Grey Warden do when he's on his own for however many years? Blackwall: Kill darkspawn. Recruit for the Wardens. Kill more darkspawn. Essek: And your fellow Wardens do not accompany you? Blackwall: You don't need more than one person to say 'how do you feel about fighting darkspawn for the rest of your life?' Essek: Did you... ever find yourself becoming lonely, in your solitude? Blackwall: I... sometimes, I suppose. Never gave much thought to it. Easier that way. Essek: Mm. I know the feeling.

Dorian: So you think Alexius’s perception of time was fundamentally flawed? Essek: I do. Time is not a straight line, through which one can jump ahead, skip back and rub bits out. Dorian: How would you have done it differently? Aside from the whole ‘conjure a world infested with red lyrium and catastrophe’ part. Essek: Imagine time as a branching thing. Every choice we make causes potential timelines to fade into non-existence. Essek: But their potential remains, waiting to be tapped. Alexius should have attempted to manifest a timeline in which I was never here, rather than removing me from this one. Dorian: Well, don’t tell everybody how to make it work. Wouldn’t want them to get ideas. Though perhaps you’d like to compare notes, later? Essek: I... would like that. 

Vivienne: You carry yourself remarkably well, Herald. Almost like nobility. Essek: Only 'almost'? I shall have to try harder. Vivienne: And despite your youth, you deflect personal inquiries with the deftness of a seasoned player of the Game. Quite remarkable, from a hedge mage. Essek: I'm mildly curious: 'hedge mage'? Vivienne: A self-taught mage, dear. One who has gone without the instruction of a Circle, or even a Dalish clan. If you ever require tuition, I am at your disposal. Essek: I’m sure you are. But I am not especially interested in whatever you think you have to teach.

Sera: You’re proper weird, you are. You go all swanny around the noble piss-bags, all smiles and pretty words like Lady Josie, but you put teeth in it, like Vivvy. Essek: Like Vivienne? I should hope not. Sera: And then you screw the nobs over like Josie does, ‘cept she makes them love her for it and you make them scared. Leliana kind of scared. Essek: When people don’t know you, or what to make of you, they fear you. It makes them... malleable. It’s something I’ve learned to use. As has Leliana, it would seem.

Varric: You doing all right, Smiles? Essek: 'Smiles'? An intriguing choice. Varric: Same reasoning as Iron Lady and Sparkler. Meet as many messes as I have, and you get good at spotting masks. Essek: Indeed? Varric: You fell out of the sky, got attacked by a shit ton of demons and put in charge of an army, and never once stopped smiling. Kind of impressive, actually. Essek: Thank you. Varric: Also, creepy as shit. 

Solas: I'm curious about your name, Herald. Essek: My name? It's Essek. Sera: [laughs] Solas: I meant that it isn't elven, though your family name sounds very like it. Solas: ‘Thelyss’. I wonder if it is is a result of syllables from the name 'Lethallas' being lost and altered over the years. It means, 'a gift to one's kin.' Essek: Ha. Solas: You don't find that likely? Essek: Me being a gift to my kin? Highly unlikely.

Iron Bull: So, boss, what do you make of my guys? Essek: They clearly have an array of talents. Iron Bull: Oh, come on. I didn't ask for what the Herald thought of his new recruits, I asked what you make of my guys. Essek: Very well. They are... unusual. Enthusiastic. I think that some would underestimate them, some would be thrown off-balance by them, and many would do both. Iron Bull: Ha. Yeah, we like to keep people guessing.  Essek: I like them. They are... lively.

Sera: I don’t get it. You can screw over noble shite-faces without being scary. And you’re not scary! I know you and you’re not scary, so why be scary? Essek: Well, I don’t find you scary either, Sera. But I’m sure our enemies do, when they’re on the wrong end of your arrows. Sera: That’s different things, though. I learned arrows because arrows mean nobs are dead and I’m not. Essek: Exactly. Like you, I have had to fight for survival in my own ways. And unlike you, for a long time, I was without friends. Sera: So... you learned how to do scary because you’re scared? Essek: I would say more... aware of potential dangers. Sera: So, scared.

Solas: As for your first name, the final syllable is not even a sound that occurs in elven. Is it Qunlat? One of your parents is Qunari, I assume? Essek: Ah. Yes, of course. Solas: So it is Qunlat? Iron Bull: Nah, that’s not Qunlat, whatever it is. Almost sounds like it, though. Kinda like ‘isskari’. Name for Ben-Hassrath who get hold of weird magic crap. Essek: Oddly appropriate. But since I'm not in contact with my family, the truth shall have to remain a mystery.

Blackwall: Are you all right, Herald? Essek: Fine, thank you. I simply have somewhat sensitive eyes and skin, and it is a very bright day. Blackwall: If you need to stop, I could... I don’t know. Hold a shield over your head? Essek: I appreciate it, but no, thank you. It is tolerable. Blackwall: Didn’t meant to offend. Essek: It is all right. I - [sighs] I apologise. That would help, if you could. Years of solitude have made me... reliant on my own self-reliance, I suppose.  Blackwall: I know what you mean. Shield parasol it is, then.

Sera: Don’t need to be scared, right? Anyone gives you shit, I give ‘em arrows. Or just pies. Or worms in their shoes. Essek: [chuckles] Thank you, Sera. Please do. Sera: Did think you were scary at first, you know.  Essek: What changed your mind? Sera: Scary wouldn’t grin when I drew butts on things.  Essek: ... Are you at all fond of cupcakes, Sera?

[fivegoldpieces]

okay let’s get this late liveblog post started

marisha and travis wearing those glasses while sitting right next to each other is honestly killing me right now please im so weak

what is this ad oh my god 

SAD SANDPAPER

how the hell do they have time to do this im

LAURA BURSTING OUT LAUGHING AND MATT’S PERPLEXED FACE IS ME EVERY WEEK

HAPPY PRIDE HELL YEAH HELL YEAH

JESTER DISGUISING HERSELF AS A LEAF I LOVE HER SO GD MUCH

LEAF COSTUME IM LOSING MY MIND

rotting meat fjord, i don’t know how much that will help but okay

“can i like swim back to the tree” MARISHA THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID LAST CAMPAIGN TOO AND IT DIDN’T WORK

JESTER COULD HAVE GONE INVISIBLE IM FUCKNSKFL CRYING

Beau: “Everyone is fucking bailing on me, and I ain’t got shit” 

Jester: “I’m a leaf! I’m a leaf but I’m still with you”

THE WAY IM FUCKING HOLLERING RIGHT NOW OH MY GODDD I LOVE. THEM!

MARISHA MIMING BEAU REACHING OUT TO JESTER IM AJLKDJALSJFSADF

beaujester held hands i am perFecTLY FINE this is FINE IM FINE this is okay im good im good imajfdklasjdfasjkfk HANDS

Fjord is a bottom Confirmed

DIMENSION DOOR IS BEAUJESTER SHIPPERS FRIEND

UGH THAT POLYMORPH COULDVE BEEN SO GOOD

FJORD RIDING THE ROC LIKE VM DID I THINK

YES JESTER POLYMORPH BUT ALSO OH NO FJORD

the image of 6ft caduceus holding onto an eagle is fuckn amazing

i have to say the sound of matt shaking the dice as fjord falls sounds ominous as fuck

YAY FJORD IS STILL ALIVE

caduceus talking to fjord on the ground reminds me of the skyrim scene for some reason

can beau saying “i follow jester” be a thing

jester saying sorry to fjord 😭

KEEP THE BAT AWAY DON’T TOUCH IT JUST PUT IT IN THE BAG OF HOLDING

beau and caleb going to the nest to get loot together hell yeah

AWW BABY ROC

BEAU TRYING TO SCRITCH THE BABY ROC LMFAOO

THE BALL BEARINGS RETURN LMFAO

oh damn that’s a lot of gold in a nest

beau getting the silk clothes for jester

“c’mon man get back in the cloak”

beau arguing with caleb as an eagle fucking sends

LMFAO LAURA HIT THE MIC

OH SHIT POLYMORPH DROPPED

omg bless that one spell slot

damn jester really loves using command

this tense atmosphere with the roc omfg

HUT COMPLETED

 im not saying beau is married to jester now because of the rings but she definitely is

LMAO THE BOX IS TRAPPED THE ONE TIME NOTT DOESN’T CHECK FOR TRAPS

FIREBALL TRAP NOTT WHAT THE FUCK

nott is drunk i can tell

omg jester trying to snatch the flask and putting it into the haversack

beau proposed to yasha with that ring omg rights for beauyasha shippers

IM SORRY BUT MARISHA ACCIDENTALLY FUCKING WITH LIAM’S INJURED SHOULDER AS BEAU SENDS

LMFAO JESTER TRYING TO WINGMAN

omg beau and yasha are married ugh wlw rights

AH FUCK ORCS

HELL YEAH FIREBALL

i wonder how fjord feels about the orcs they’re fighting

FUCKING HELLO BEES GOD I LOVE JESTER

marisha really works those sunglasses ugh someone draw beau in them

their true rivals are toya and the roc

awww poor jester is exhausted

LET’S GO BAZOZZAN

i don’t trust that tower at all

o fuck it’s a xhorhasian hupperdook but without the fun civilians

persuasion checks scare the crap out of me ngl

“be quiet, do your work, and leave” honestly applies to a lot of places

beau, to jester: “you were pretty awesome actually”

me: fucking dead on the ground because of these two blue gfs

omg pls the leaf costume

things escape from the tower? a prison?

oh fuck temples to betrayer gods

DOORWAYS TO THE ABYSS??

this is some grey warden darkspawn shit omg

THE FUCKING DANCE MOVES

JESTER SMART TIEF LOVE HER

oh fuck THE ABYSS?? DEMONS

OH HELL OH HOW FUN

marion read jester a book about demons as a child lmfao

oh god what’s jester gonna do to that sign

bless on beau and fjord and jester ugh i love my og trio crumbs

ARE YOU STILL IN YOUR LEAF COSTUME

the traveler’s voice being described as disembodied honestly creeps me out

oban wan kenobi

omfg what is up with that incense lmao

oh the joys of haggling i cant do that lol

HOW MUCH MONEY DOES CAD HAVE

SHARE BEDS PLEASE

FLASK IS GONE AND NOTT IS FREAKING

omg not at nott thinking yasha did it

ok but nott and her alcoholism is gonna be the new spice

nott possibly fusing with frumpkin sends

i love cats ah

FJORD OPENING UP LET’S GO LET’S GO

let fjord and caduceus be goddess buddies

praying to the wildmother is literally a way to deal with anxiety attacks

fjord’s fixation on the fact that the dream with the wildmother felt good says a lot

SHUT UP HE’S ANXIOUS TO FEEL THAT GOOD AGAIN IM GONNA FUCKING SOB

mountain with no snow in front of a salt flat? oh my

god i fuckn love fjord and caduceus talking

it’s the fuckn ocean im gonna fucking cry im 

HE GOES TO SLEEP VERY WELL THAT NIGHT IM LITERALLY GONNA SOB

omg let’s go three wlws bc bi/closeted lesbian jester is Real and no one can take that away from me

jester trying to wingman so hard lmfao

LMFAO YASHA STANDING OVER THEM

WAKEY

THE SCRY FAILED UGH

jester saying “that’s what i’m here for” rings a bell in my mind but i don’t know what exactly - something about her view of her worth in the group which would be interesting to explore

omg nott about to confront yasha

and fjord now oh and caduceus

TRAVIS JUST ENDED SAM’S CAREER HOLY FUCK

oh boy cold turkey is not gonna be fun

ANGRY YASHA OMFG

omg m9 please don’t enable the alcoholism

45 GOLD FOR FIRE WHISKEY OMG

maybe use that bottle to wean her off 

everyone calls jester jessie now ugh thank you nott for starting it and beau for always using it

god i love brjeaus so much

SECRET TUNNELLLLL SECRET TUNNELLLLLL THROUGH THE MOUNTAINSSSSSS

lmfao fjord tryna be buff

oh god what is this sending gonna sound like

WHAT IF I JUST GO DDU DU DDU DU DDU DDU DDU

IM FUKVMKSNF LLOSING IT NO SHE DID IT IMF FJA

how is she supposed to look for the hidden entrance if it’s hidden

oh god they’re gonna go down the tunnel aren’t they

the way travis and marisha burst into song fuckn nerds

no plans we die like adventurers

YASHA HONEY YOU ARE NOT A FREAK

i can be a freak i can i can be a freak every day of every week

o fuck yea goggles are cool

SHE’S UNDERAGE LMFAOO

holy fuck 25 gold BUT HE DOES IT ANYWAY

fjord just one black coffee-ed nott lmfao

huh nothing for locate creature but locate object worked

FUCK YEAH CELESTIAL BUDS

uh “until the world ends”?? that does not sound good 

FJORD JUST GOES IN DUDE

oban is floating i know

JESTER HOLDING YASHA’S HANDS

SHFSFIA THE FUKD FK AF JESTER TELLING YASHA THE M9 IS BEHIND HER AND WILL SUPPORT HER

WE CAN BE YOUR NEW ONE

WE CAN BE YOUR NEW ONE

WE CAN BE YOUR NEW ONE

hol on i  need several moments

WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH YASHA NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS

FUCKJFKSJFDAKJDF MY FUCKNS TEARS

oh? an idea?

ROCK HARP LMFAO

the way yasha prays to the stormlord is kind of endearing in a way to me

ashley is so nervous omg like travis was

TWO MILES???? THAT’S SO MUCH WALKING

this tunnel mad creepy i don’t like this

okay but i wonder if that tunnel collapsed because of someone 

beau and jester keeping track of the wall ugh my crumb

MM I DON’T TRUST OBELISKS

OOOH SYMBOLS ON PAPER

omfg fjord you can’t just eldritch blast in a tunnel that’s had a cave in before just shake him

oh it’s abyssal? defaced by celestial creatures?

UH UH THAT SOUNDS FOREBODING

god they’re such musical nerds

oh boy they’re sending nott in i hope she doesn’t get hurt

angel sculptures?

UM WEEPING ANGELS NO THANKS

THEY’RE CRYING BLOOD? NOPE GET OUT GET OUT

NOTT NO OMFG

ugh cats should have darkvisio

oh my god this is so creepy it’s like 4am matthew please

BROKEN SWORD??

THEY’RE GOING IN FUCK

LMFAO NOTT SEARCHING YASHA’S POCKETS

this place is so gd creepy matt please end it oh my god

the music is not helping at all

TWO DAYS OLD?? UH NOPE NOPE NOPE

THIS SOME SACRIFICIAL SHIT

NUH UH THIS IS REMINDING ME OF THE WHITESTONE ARC AND ZIGGURATS FUCK THIS OMFG

DON’T FUCKING PULL THE SKELETON FJORD JFC

oh god the fact that the statues were sitting is even creepier

i really don’t like this omg it’s so creepy

DOES NO ONE HAVE DETECT GOOD AND EVIL

AH FUCK THE STATUES ARE MAGICAL TOO

oh god she touched it

oh god they both touched it

oh i really do not like this omfg

what if someone dragged a body in oh god this is terrifying

IT’S MUSIC

WAIT DOESN’T CELESTIAL SOUND LIKE SINGING

METAL HARP LMFAO

break one open lol

UH SHE’S STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR H

oh geez they really are gonna go in

earthy rotten sulfuric smell does not sound good at all

“you guys know what to do” oh boy

oh three yashas are a dream

WELL HELL LMFAO

closing it off with yasha as annie amazing

UGH CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK

[brightflight]

for the DA positivity meme, can I say the second one from each section aside from the misc. section for which I'm curious about: ⋆ your favourite DLC?

Dragon Age Positivity Meme || like always accepting tbh

✾ your favourite da:o main quest

this might be a bit of a cop-out in some ways as an answer? but the origin quests. like, all of them. i love those sort of slice of life things, the way we’re introduced to the world and context of the individual character, the way that knowledge comes back to inform your understanding of the events of the game. like a tabris will have a different relationship to the alienage quest and to an aeducan the “fine dwarven crafts” guy is way more than a meme and for a cousland the vengeance against howe is bloodily personal. you get these very different perspectives on who and what everyone is, outside your character, and you only get the FULL picture of what’s going on in the world once you’ve played all of the origins and seen all the overlaps and connections. it’s just. great.

❀ your favourite da2 main quest

ok, this is a very personal answer, but All That Remains. the very first time i played the game i was just. blindsided. i knew leandra died but i didn’t know how and like. damn. so that emotional gutpunch and the sheer like wtfuckery of it all, sure. but also i was basically compulsively comfort-playing DA2 when my father was terminally ill and that quest, dealing so strongly as it does with the death of a parent, really hit me in an especially strong way, but kind of cleansingly too. Aveline afterwards talking about her father’s death and the line ‘No one tells you how to mourn. And when someone says, "move on," you take their hand and say "my choice."’ like. that. made me cry like a baby, i’m not going to sugarcoat it, but in a good way. so i don’t know that All That Remains is my favorite for any good story-related reasons, or anything deeper than that, but it was there for me at a time when i needed it, so, difficult as it is, it will always be special, in that way?

❁ your favourite da:i main quest

Champions of the Just. an unpopular answer, maybe, because it’s the recruit-the-templars side playthrough, and most people don’t seem to even try it. but, even though i get really stressed out by the timed sections in that one, way more than in Wicked Eyes (Barris will die if you fuck it up, man!!) i love the creepiness quotient, the way the Inquisitor is locked inside their own mind, facing down a demon who takes the faces of those close to them. i love thinking about the aftermath, and the possible nightmares... of waking up and suddenly not being sure if the people around you are who you think, because how could you know if that bit of moodiness earlier really was just a headache or if it was an imperfectly-mimicking demon? it’s just good shit, man.

⋆ your favourite DLC

Awakening, probably. it feels the most like another whole game, in some ways. new companions, new quests associated with the first but not replicating them, new locations. it also has Nate Howe. and he’s just. just pretty great. (bioware when will you let me romance him, when?!?!)

and Legacy is a second favorite. (the two with the ancient magister darkspawn, how creative of me.) but Legacy for the things about Hawke’s family history, and the cute scenes that happen if you bring your sib and the corresponding companion and they flirt. some nice banters.

[astalkingirin]

Alright, Awakening thoughts, they were long so let's put it all on tumblr instead of in more transitory form. I feel like this is something I'd regret but also I don't use tumblr as tumblr so maybe not.

Gross terrible dwarf wasn't that terrible actually for the part of the game he's mandatory but I did ditch him immediately so he was never around the rest of the female companions which is probably why. His banter with the guys is okay, probably because neither of them had any buttons for him to push. I'm still sad I didn't accidentally kill him by staying at the city, though. And why would an alcoholic with a compromised liver do better at the joining ceremony anyway?

I did so much worse at sucking up to everyone this time, because I was trying to continue playing the Warden I'd established while last time I built my personality around someone it made sense to be friends with these guys. As a city elf, I was sympathetic to class issues and generally forgiving of mass murder as long as you promised to not mass murder later unless you really needed to, BUT nobles are assholes and mages are scary and I totally do not regret killing that kid. That dovetailed nicely into gameplay because I was running through the game with minimal strategy/party management, so any time there was an enemy spellcaster I just sprinted at them to deal with it personally and a whole bunch of time I killed the guy only to keel over from curse of mortality.

As a result, I got along best with Sigrun. "I ruined this person's life but I had no choice!!!" Of course you didn't the dwarves are SO MEAN they betrayed me twice over (also they poisoned my sister) and also fuck da police and really you did her a favor by getting her to come to the surface where people are only awful some of the time. I gave her half the alcohol I was still carrying on me from last game. I'm actually not certain I maxed out anyone else. Also, all of her prickliness was for people trying to start conversations with her, and you can't really do that, so she was only cranky and unapproachable to everyone else. Relatedly, I found the whole thing about "hey the casteless took up arms to defend this place!!!" to be deeply uncomfortable and the people who said fuck it, let's make a break for the surface had the right of it. Like yes, they did prove they weren't worthless - but you shouldn't be sacrificing yourself covering the retreat to prove you're not worthless to the people who insisted you were worthless in the first place and left you behind to die. (Also I really can't buy they "accidentally" "forgot about" the casteless during the evacuation. A city's worth of dwarves don't accidentally sneak out of anywhere.) Pick up the weapons to do a fighting retreat toward the surface, let those assholes slow down the darkspawn with their deaths the way they meant for yours to. And relatedly NO SIGRUN JUST DITCH THE LEGION OF THE DEAD YOU OWE THE DWARVES NOTHING! You love the surface! You love everything about being up here even more than you hate everything about being down there, at the very least get yourself killed fighting forest demons or something instead of the deep roads.

Anders just has no standards, so even though my responses to everything he said were along the lines of "mages are scary" and "sounds fake but okay" he was just really grateful I didn't hand over my healbot to someone challenging my and my entire organization's authority (after I had previously murdered the last assholes to try that). I think the problem was that my character is forgiving of actual crimes but cranky about lying while he comes off as someone scared to tell the truth. If he just said, "I think mages should get to kill people!" I'd be all "lol cool I also enjoy murder" but he kept trying to argue they weren't dangerous as the underpinning for his argument so I kept responding with "are so!" So I guess the other half was that he wasn't enough of a killer because I got on great with straight up assassins. I am still not over that you give him shiny stuff to make him like you. What is with mages even. How are you shallower than Zevron. Anyway, I feel bad because everything about him was so sad. It's like he'd lost his inside voice during solitary so now he just babbles whatever's in his head out loud and tried to cope by sounding like he's doing it on purpose as a joke. I don't feel like there's anything my non-mage Warden could ever do to really change anything about that, though - sure, he's grateful for whatever you do for him because he has such awful expectations, but it's for the same reason I can't see him believing I'd do anything more than what I demonstrated. It's not like Morrigan where her low expectations are because she's had limited human interaction so she's willing to accept new data points. Also I would like to throw my hat into the bloodsplattered ring - Anders didn't kill the Templars, because he wouldn't lie if he had. He didn't do anything at all because magic is so bad and they're here to keep him from doing any of it, right? After they were dead, he engaged the darkspawn, which explains why it was such a close thing.

Got on well with Nathaniel once he accepted I was right to murder his dad and take all his stuff (still mad BECAUSE TORTURE CHAMBERS NATHANIEL was not an option), and honestly, he barely even put up an argument before then, he was just mildly huffy no matter how nasty I was about it. Nathaniel is just so much a people-pleaser. Actually, that seems like a thing for the rogues. He made a good stab at friendship with Sigrun that got rebuffed for class issue reasons, then came back for a strong second try by saying he totally understands class issues suck. I'm so sad he rebuffed Anders' one attempt at finding common ground because Anders rejects all overtures coming from other people I could see. Also, like, maybe you could have someone ELSE get those phylacteries, Anders? Maybe a person who not only can't be tracked by those things but can straight up turn invisible? And whose entire skillset is based around sneaking into places?

Justice was creepy as fuck A+++++ I only regret I didn't get more of Polite Spirit In Rotting Corpse trying to talk to people. Also, that bit about the lyrium song was very intriguing, especially since it not only came up with the darkspawn, but the Mother seems to think going to the Fade is tied to hearing it.

I only had Velanna on my side for a bit because I was trying to keep the same people in my party but I thought it was hilarious that even if you make no real effort to be convincing she's just like "huh, a split second of self-reflection is enough to make me realize this does all seem like a total setup, whoops!" Then I went straight to the city so she was still in my party and we went to the merchants to tell them I'd dealt with the problem and she was sooooo uncomfortable. Like, not remorseful so much as embarrassed she'd screwed up so bad. Also she was spamming some spell that changed her skin so it was like she was trying to hide the whole time we were there but ineptly because she was no longer in a forested environment and it was as hilarious as every picture of animals failing at camouflage ever was. I realize this is not supposed to be seen as part of her characterization but that's what I love about videogame canon.

The actual plot...I don't know really. So the Architect wants to free darkspawn, but also he said nothing about making it so the darkspawn stop killing everyone and I don't know how I'm supposed to believe his claim he didn't want to kill the Wardens when there is one alive one left, but with broken legs who dies when I find him. And I'm on the side of blights being good for precisely the reason he points out, they kill off massive numbers of darkspawn. (I think it'd have made sense for the reason this Blight was weird is related to the fact there's been a longer than usual time between them - that means the darkspawn population should be much higher.) If he was talking about peace between our peoples, that'd be great, but no matter how many chances I gave him to say that, he kept avoiding the subject. I let him live mostly because my Warden generally let anybody live who wasn't actually in combat with her, and I feel bad about how I overruled my companions and their completely reasonable WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK opinions on that.

I guess it makes sense that waking up as a broodmother would make you way more likely to go crazy, so it really wasn't any more misogynistic than the initial setup already was, but it still meant there was this whole gendered conflict between the rational man of progress and the crazy woman whose feeble mind broke under the strain. And given the Architect was supposed to be unique, why did he have to be a guy anyway? Given the darkspawn are all getting born of regular race females it’d be plausible that a female one might be more lucid, maybe it’s a more successful clone compared to the male form.

(Why does it make total sense that someone can completely transform into an enormous flesh lump and asexually churn out billions of monster babies by magic, but only if they have a regular uterus first? Men are the ones who produce huge numbers of gametes forever if we're being "realistic".)

I actually really loved the shortness of it - the one thing that actually did bug me about Origins was that, although they did have the one big early event, I kept crisscrossing the map doing sidequests so it took me forever. Having fewer total things makes me less able to fritter away my time and so makes it feel like there's a real time limit, and it also made me stress less about completing sidequests properly since redoing it wouldn't be such a trial. Plus the limited party is less painful when it's actually conceivable to replay the game over and over with different people.

I like the idea of having to choose between the city and the keep, but I don't get why killing a few darkspawn to allow evacuation wasn't an option. It'd be one thing if I had to pick initially to stay/go, but I already walked all the way to the city, I can spare five minutes before setting it on fire. Somehow I'm suddenly at the chantry and people are talking about staying and me routing the darkspawn and geeze, you guys wouldn't let the refugees in because your city was too good for them, I didn't actually mind this place burning down. It seems like the point of tension is supposed to be about saving the city itself (the jewel of the region, etc) vs the keep itself, so I don't think it'd have been too much of an issue to have a third option of letting the people escape and getting to the keep slightly later for a harder battle or something.

I wish there was more talking. I accidentally killed the mages because I accepted the quest to find out what it was and then they started attacking me. Also did I really murder people over moonshine because of a prank letter? It seems like there's mostly the option to resolve things peacefully when that's obviously a bad idea, like with the demons and darkspawn. Maybe I wouldn't have kept letting demons gallivant all over the countryside if I had more of a choice about if I wanted to turn every band of mooks into chunky salsa. (Game could also have used a system where resolving things peacefully didn't cheat you out of leveling and items in return for nothing at all.)

[moczothe1st]

Days of Our Dragon Age:  Episode 39:  A Love as Deep as a Deep Road

[SCENE: CAMP, at HIGH NOON.  It is NIGHT.]

BLAKE: [SADLY]  Okay, everyone.  We have recruited, to face the infinite hordes of the Darkspawn, a total of ten mages and fifty elves.  How many Darkspawn do we have to kill, again?

STEN: You just called them an infinite horde.  

BLAKE: I was hoping that I was wrong, dammit.  

ALISTAIR: I don’t think you could ever be wrong, my sweet.

LELIANA: Want to get married?

BLAKE: I… wait, Alistair I expected, but Leliana, I thought we broke up, or…

LELIANA: I really liked something you said in the temple, and you gave me a piece of cake.  It made us a couple again.  

BLAKE: … … … Sure.  Anyway, I’m going to come right out and say that maybe we need to improve the size of our forces. We are going to need to bolster our ‘army’ with an actual army. Now, where do you think we should go to seek this? I’m taking votes.

ALISTAIR: Arl Eam-

BLAKE: The Deep Roads it is! Let’s go find some dwarves.    

ALISTAIR: [POUTING] You said we were voting.  

BLAKE: We did.  I just forgot to mention that I’m the only one who gets a vote, because I’m the leader. That’s what we call ‘democracy.’

MORRIGAN: I wish you were a man.

[The GROUP leaves camp, beginning the LONG HIKE to the entrance of ORZAMMAR, legendary city of the DWARVES.  They make it THIRTY SECONDS.]

DARKSPAWN EMISSARY: RANDOM ENCOUNTER, BITCHES!  

ALISTAIR: Wow, the emissaries really are smarter than normal darksp-

EMISSARY: EMISSARY, ROCKIN’ OUT THE FIREBALLS, YO!  I AM THE FIRE OF PERDITION COME TO DEVOUR YOU! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

[The EMISSARY, being MORE CLEVER than a normal DARKSPAWN, is able to launch a MAGICAL FIREBALL at the group while SIMULTANEOUSLY shredding out a ROCKING GUITAR SOLO.  They really ARE quite INTELLIGENT.]

EVERYONE: [IS ON FIRE]

WYNNE: [BEGINS TO GLOW] I was secretly being kept alive by a magical spirit the whole time!  

[SPIRIT POWERS, on.  ACTIVATE INTERLOCK, dynotherms CONNECTED, Infracells UP, Mega-thrusters are GO.]  

BLAKE: … So your dark secret was spirit powers that can enhance you for combat? That was your dark secret?

WYNNE: Alas, for I am an abomination, animated only by a spirit who has chosen to grant me a tenuous grasp on-

BLAKE: Awesome.  You’re in the party forever.  

WYNNE: You don’t seem to be having the experience of deep religious terror I was expecting from this revelation.  I’m dead, you realize.  

BLAKE: No, those guys are dead. The creepy veiny faced ones, vaguely spawnlike? On the dark side?  You have superpowers.  You’re Spirit Woman.  I would marry you if you weren’t, you know...

MORRIGAN: Old? Decrepit? Wrinkled like a prune?  

BLAKE: … I was going to say ‘grandmotherly,’ I swear. MORRIGAN: Hideous?  

BLAKE: Stop helping, please.

MORRIGAN: Ancient and corroded? Willfully ignorant of the world around her in favor of propagating a broken system?

WYNNE: I can’t use my spirit powers very often. You can tell because Morrigan still has a face.  

MORRIGAN: Smelling vaguely of mold?

BLAKE: She’s gonna keep doing this for awhile. Let’s just finish walking to Orzammar before we get another random encounter.  

MORRIGAN: Oddly dry, as if made of sandpaper?

[SCENE: The FROSTBACK MOUNTAINS, on the trail to ORZAMMAR, realm of the DWARVES.  Yes, the REALM OF THE DWARVES is ONE CITY, and it honestly isn’t even a GREAT ONE. There is a lot of MAGMA and the DARKSPAWN are their next-door NEIGHBOR, but the DWARVES remain there because they believe LIVING ABOVE GROUND is INHERENTLY EVIL. Oh, there is TECHNICALLY another CITY but you’ll never GO THERE and it’s PROBABLY WORSE, for all we KNOW.]

THIS is what is known as EXPOSITION intended to make sure that any READERS don’t go into the coming segment with HIGH EXPECTATIONS.]

BLAKE: Okay, so does anyone know where the door is? It seems like they should put up signs.

ALISTAIR: Oh, there’s a sign. Next to those fine gentleman guarding the path.

[There are FIVE INDIVIDUALS on the path.  Not ALL of them are GENTLEMEN, and none of them look particularly FINE.  Some do NOT HAVE TEETH, and all are carrying some manner of SHARP IMPLEMENT.  There are some BLOODSTAINS on the clothing, but that will probably not be IMPORTANT.]

BOUNTY HUNTER: Hey. You Grey Wardens?

BLAKE: … No.    

ALISTAIR: Hey, look. That sign says we’re near Orzammar. That’s important for Grey Wardens to visit! Like us!  

BOUNTY HUNTER: *smile*

[The group CONTINUES THEIR TREK after wiping all of the BLOOD off of THEMSELVES.  It is nearly HALF from other PEOPLE.  Thankfully, WYNNE is here and she can RE-ATTACH LELIANA’S LIMBS.  It’s not HER FAULT that ARCHERY won’t be good until the DLC.]

BLAKE: So I think we need to make some new rules about Alistair and when he can talk.  I nominate ‘never.’  

ALISTAIR: You have beautiful eyes.

LELIANA: I’ve always thought so!  

ZEVRAN: Mrrrrrrrrrrow.

BLAKE: You know, I hear there’s people out there who really like this much attention.  Would it be possible for some of you to go out and latch on to them?  I hear that Hawke could really use a friend or two.  You guys need more friends, don’t you?

[This is TRUE, but if HAWKE had FRIENDS then they would PROBABLY JUST DIE.  Be super blunt with me here, did you really enjoy playing as HAWKE?  Did you have a lot of FUN sorting out the MAGE-TEMPLAR CONFLICT? Of course you DIDN’T. Playing as HAWKE was an endless slog of PAIN AND DESPAIR as everything about their life SPIRALLED out of control and they slowly but surely LOST EVERYTHING and UTTERLY FAILED to prevent a WORLD WAR, then the THIRD GAME has some new guy SOLVE THE PROBLEM in like, an HOUR.  Then HAWKE makes a CAMEO and has a 50% chance of DYING.]

[Sorry, HAWKE. It’s not your FAULT.]

MORRIGAN:  I don’t have friends, myself.

[That pretty much IS her fault, though.]

BLAKE: I believe that is literally true.

[IT IS.]

[SCENE: ORZAMMAR.  There is LAVA everywhere, but it is VIDEO GAME LAVA so it only hurts you if you TOUCH IT.  The DWARVES are currently having a POLITICAL DEBATE.]

DWARF A: I think Harrowmont sucks and Prince Bhelen should be king!

DWARF B: Well, I think Bhelen sucks and Lord Harrowmont should be king!

DWARF A:  *MURDERS DWARF B IN THE STREETS*

BLAKE: Holy crap!  

MORRIGAN: Finally, someone with a firm grasp of governance.  

[We may need to consider the possibility that MORRIGAN is just an ODDLY TALL DWARF]

DWARF GUARD: Hail, Warden. I understand you’ve come to us seeking our mighty dwarf army to help you face off against the terror of the Darkspawn Blight.  

BLAKE: I… yes.  Are you going to clean up the corpse, or…

DWARF GUARD: Alas, we cannot command our forces to march without the guidance of our king, and we have none.  

BLAKE: There was a murder just now, so…

DWARF GUARD: If you seek the power of the dwarven army, you shall need to chose one of the leading candidates, Prince Bhelen, the sole surviving member of the royal family and you probably just shouldn’t question why that is, or the old king’s friend Lord Harrowmont who seems like a great choice. Yes, he really seems that way.  He certainly does seem to be the right choice.  Seeeeeeeeeeeems.  [WINKS a few times while DISCRETELY POINTING at GAMEFAQS.]

BLAKE: This isn’t going to be any fun, is it?  

DWARF GUARD: That’s basically our town motto.  

LELIANA: I question if ze dwarf army is even worz it, everyone.  Perhaps we should just go focus on ze Arl Eamon and let zem sort zis all out for zemselves.

ALISTAIR: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…

STEN: I feel they could not possibly be worse than the elf army, if this helps in making our choice.

MORRIGAN: I want to do whatever Alistair doesn’t want to do.  

WYNNE:  Now, now, children.  We need as many soldiers as we can get to face the Blight.  We’ll just have to pick one of the candidates and support his claim to the throne.  I’m sure we can use our finely tuned moral compasses to determine which is the correct option.  We are, after all, purely noble heroes without any factors that might render our judgments suspect.  

MORRIGAN: Aren’t you possessed by an extradimensional entity that could be altering your thoughts in any number of ways, potentially without you even knowing?

WYNNE: Aren’t you overdue to shut up?

[With their COURSE DECIDED, the group decides to interview both CANDIDATES to determine which is the CORRECT MORAL OPTION.]

[SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN’s home, the PALACE.]

BHELEN: Greetings. Welcome to my home, Grey Warden.  I am a sleazy amoral murderer that is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of my entire family, and I’m going to be asking you to break pretty much every one of the like, six laws that we dwarves even have.  Want to be friends?

WYNNE: … … … … … ... …

BLAKE: Whoa.  Um.  We’ll, uh… we’ll consider it.  [WHISPERED] Let’s get the Hell out of here.    

[SCENE: LORD HARROWMONT’S estate.]  

LORD HARROWMONT: *Pets a puppy* Greetings, my new Warden friends. I am kindly old uncle Harrowmont. Would you like a Werther’s candy?

BLAKE: You seem much nicer than your opposition.

ALISTAIR: *Eats a Werther’s candy*

LELIANA: I feel safe and warm.  

HARROWMONT: Why, thank you, children. Yes, I am much nicer than Prince Bhelen. He is cold and cruel, while I am kind and respectful to all those who help me. I certainly SEEM like the correct choice. [PAUSES, and gestures at the player’s INTERNET BROWSER while COUGHING.]  That is most definitely how I SEEM.  You would definitely THINK that I am the morally obvious correct choice.  I SEEM THAT WAY.  SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM.  

BLAKE: Okay, everyone. We have a choice, here. Who do we want to pick?

BHELEN: *Eats a baby.*

HARROWMONT: *Rocks in his ol’ rocking chair on the front porch, pouring lemonade for all the local kids.*  

BLAKE: I think the choice is obvious. So. Bhelen it is, then!

MORRIGAN: You looked that up on the internet.

BLAKE: … … Verily, I knowest not of what thou speakest, fair Morrigan.  Internet? Be this some magely conjuring of thine…

MORRIGAN: You did.  Don’t even bother pretending we have a fourth wall anymore.  You looked up the ending on the internet.  

BLAKE: Okay, fine.  Look, it’s not my fault.  You try avoiding spoilers for an eight year old game, see how well you do.  

MORRIGAN: You know, if you already know everything that’s going to happen, I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to keep my dark secret.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: You know, I legit thought we were done with that gag.  

MORRIGAN: Do not change the subject!  I’m a major plot character and my arc is crucial to the central twists of the endgame, and you’re just spitting all over that. I thought we had a connection, you know?  I thought ‘here is someone as generally unpleasant as me, who hates Alistair, and enjoys power and murder.’  I thought we could be friends, you know? But now I find out you’ve not even the slightest concern for maintaining secrecy regarding story structure, and-

STEN: [Hits MORRIGAN in the back of the head with a ROCK.]

BLAKE: Thanks, man, that was seriously getting awkward. Chicks, am I right?

LELIANA: Is that remark sexist if you are a woman?

BLAKE: I’m choosing to say ‘no.’  

SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN’S PALACE OF DESPAIR, int.  

BHELEN: Fantastic, I knew you would see reason and choose the obviously correct choice for Orzammar which is foreshadowed believably.

MORRIGAN: I have such a headache.  And I have no memory of the last six hours.  Why is everyone here so short?  It sickens me.

BLAKE: Just ignore her, prince sir.  She’s silly.

MORRIGAN: This one sickens me most of all. The eyes of a rat, he has.

BHELEN: I would normally object to that, but I’m going to be sending you to kill the dwarf mafia now, so honestly that’s punishment enough.  

BLAKE: … When you say ‘kill the mafia’…

BHELEN: Yes, the whole thing.

DOG: Bark, bark!

BLAKE: I’m not going to translate that because it isn’t fit for polite company, but Dog doesn’t like you any more than Morrigan does.  

MORRIGAN: I hate all short people. And farmers. And anyone named ‘Casper.’  

BLAKE: Also, Wynne, I think she has a concussion, could you fix that?

WYNNE: Eh.

[SCENE:  The hideout of the DWARF MAFIA, int. int.  It is a CAVE inside a CITY inside a CAVE, so I think it deserves two ‘int.’]

JARVIA:  Hello there, Warden. I am Jarvia, head of the Dwarf Mafia, which someone really should have called by its proper name by now, but we won’t.  If you know what it is off the top of your head, good job on paying attention. I mean, there won’t be a quiz or anything, but still, good work.  

BLAKE: Nothing personal, but I have to stab you a few times because I need an army.  And since we’re the heroes and you’re a glorified sneak thief, that’s gonna be fun for everyone.  

[BLAKE takes ONE STEP forward.]

SIX THOUSAND TRAPS: [ALL GO OFF AT ONCE]

[SCENE: BHELEN’S PALACE OF ETERNAL DESPAIR, int.]

BHELEN: So how was Jarvia?

BLAKE: [STILL ON FIRE]  Fuck you.  

BHELEN: Awesome.  Now, as it turns out, that was actually a waste of time. We really just need a Paragon to approve me.  

ALISTAIR: What’s that?

BHELEN: When a dwarf does something which gives great aid to their people, that they will be remembered by our people forever, they are labeled as a Paragon; a living ancestor… nay, a living god.  The word of a Paragon could make a king, for a Paragon is beyond a king.  They are beyond us all. The living expression of Dwarfkind’s greatest qualities.  And we have discovered one… may still live among us.  Paragon Branka, the greatest living dwarf of our time!  

ALISTAIR: Ooooooh. What did she do?

BHELEN: She… invented a kind of clean-burning coal.  

LELIANA: Zat… is it?

BHELEN: Yup. Canon.

BLAKE: And you made her a god for that?

WYNNE: I try not to judge foreign religions, but my word that seems a bit extreme.  

STEN: My religion lobotomizes non-believers who refuse to conform.  

WYNNE: … Okay. Well, it’s not as extreme as that.

BHELEN: I said it gave great aid to the dwarf people, not interesting aid.  Now go out into the Deep Roads and find Branka. She wandered off a few years ago and it’s a maze of death that spans the entire country, but I’m sure you’ll find her in a few hours.

ALISTAIR: If I could be a paragon, I’d like it to be for inventing a new kind of cheese.

BHELEN: Starting to question my choices in hiring you people, not gonna lie.

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS.  Pretty much all of the DEEP ROADS look the same, so it really could be ANYWHERE IN THEM.]

BLAKE: I feel like we’re missing something…

MORRIGAN: A map?

STEN: A guide?

ALISTAIR: You look great in that outfit.  

LELIANA: Oui, mon cherie.

BLAKE: … … … … Okay, this isn’t the time and you creep me out a little, but it’s so hot when you speak Orlesian to me, baby.

ALISTAIR: Thank you! I don’t even realize when I’m doing it, apparently.

BLAKE: [SOBS for a bit.]

THE SMELL OF WHISKEY GIVEN FORM:  Heya. You guys all ran out inta the Deep Roads and forgot to talk to me.  

BLAKE: Oh, who the Hell are you now?  And you had better not be a party member because I have quite enough of those.  

A BEARD ATTACHED TO A KEG: Oh, I’m a party member.  I’m the best party member. I’m here to get drunk, sexually harass everyone, and smell weird. I’m so goddamn manly you could use my blood ta give women sex changes.  

ALISTAIR: Sexually harass everyone? I thought that was Zevran’s job.  

ZEVRAN: It isn’t sexual harassment if they love it, baby.

LIKE A DWARF, ONLY MORE ALCOHOLIC:  And they never love it with me.  I confuse and terrify people.  I. Am. OGHREN.  

[THE LIGHT OF HEAVEN shines down, illuminating OGHREN, the party member you will LAUGH AT THE MOST.  MAYBE.  If you like DRUNK DWARVES.]

BLAKE: So… um… nice to meet you?

OGHREN: Nice tits, babe.

BLAKE: … I’mma kill him.

OGHREN: Wasn’t talking to you. I meant the one with no shirt.  

MORRIGAN: … I’mma kill him.

OGHREN: The Ogh-man’s still got it.  

ALISTAIR: By ‘it’, do you mean, ‘the ability to make women furious?’

OGHREN: Why do you think Branka ran out into the middle of the monster-infested death caverns with her entire family? She was married to me.  

WYNNE: Ah. Ah.  Okay, I would have left society forever if you were my husband, I have to admit.

LELIANA: I would have left society twice. Once for ze personality, and once for ze smell.  

BLAKE: And her ex-girlfriend is a sociopathic murderer, so if even she finds you repulsive, you know you’re repulsive.  

LELIANA: How long are you going to ‘ang zat over my ‘ead? Honestly, you date one sociopazic murderer, an’ everyone judges vous forever.

OGHREN: I think I’m gonna like hanging out with you people.  You’re the same kind of chaotic mess I am, only sober.    

BLAKE: I never said you could join us.

[OGHREN has joined the PARTY.]

BLAKE: Oh, right, I forgot. I have no control over my own life.    

ALISTAIR: I think that’s your best quality.  

LELIANA: After your wonderful hair.  

MORRIGAN: I don’t know if I’d call it a quality, but it certainly makes my job a lot easier. [PAUSES] Not that I have a specific goal in the group or anything.

OGHREN: Does anyone have some beer?

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS.  Only EVEN DEEPER.]

OGHREN: Now, Branka took our entire clan and left me, and only me, behind, so I’ve been working on a way to find her so we can be a couple again.  

LELIANA:  You didn’t take zis abandonment as a hint regarding her feelings for you?  You must learn to recognize your love’s moods, you know.  

BLAKE: That’s rich, coming from you.  

ALISTAIR: Yeah, Leliana! You really need to learn to take a hint when Blake just isn’t interested.

BLAKE:  [QUIET SOBS]

ALISTAIR: Now look, you made her cry.  

OGHREN: Whoa. I knocked back a literal gallon of vodka before I found you guys, and somehow I’m not the dumbest one in the party.  Anyone think that’s a little weird?  

STEN: If you remain in the group for long enough, you learn to not notice it. It is like a poison which causes numbness before it inevitably kills us.  

OGHREN: Neat, that’s what I drink on Thursdays, ta get me ready for the hard stuff on Friday night. Anyhoo, I know that Branka started off by going to the legendary Ortan Thaig, which is dwarven for ‘hideous poison spider ghost hellhole.’  

WYNNE: Such a beautiful language.

BLAKE: Okay, that doesn’t sound particularly nice, but if a whole army of dwarves already marched through it, I suspect we’ll be fine. I mean, they had to have already killed most of the monsters and-

[A SPIDER the size of a MINIVAN falls from the ceiling and tackles BLAKE to the ground, savaging her face with its POISON FANGS.]  

CORRUPTED SPIDER QUEEN: Hssssssssssss!*

[*TRANSLATED FROM SPIDERESE: My favorite food, people who wander too close to annoying boss fights!]

BLAKE: KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT-

WYNNE: [Releases the long-suffering SIGH of one who is never going to have an HOUR OF FREE TIME for the rest of her LIFE.]

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS.  STILL.]

BLAKE: *Twitches*

ALISTAIR: Erm… honey? Are you-

BLAKE: THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY FACE.  IT WAS LARGER THAN AVERAGE.

ALISTAIR: I’ll, erm, give you some time alone.  

BLAKE: I CUT OFF ITS HEAD.  I SHALL WEAR IT AS A HAT NOW, TO OVERCOME PERSONAL TRAUMA AND BE A BETTER PERSON.

LELIANA: *whispered* B-but she doesn’t have the….

WYNNE:  I don’t think you should mention that to her. This is my professional opinion as a psychiatrist.  

ZEVRAN: Are you a psychiatrist?

WYNNE: I don’t really need to be to analyze this one.  

ZEVRAN: Fair.  

OGHREN: Look on the bright side!  I think we’re pretty much past the worst part of the Deep Roads.  Smooth sailin’ from here, until we find Branka and everything’s great.  

[The group turns a CORNER, to find the corridors are suddenly lined with a layer of DISGUSTING FLESH that PULSATES WITH INNER CORRUPTION. It smells of ROTTING MEAT and drips VILE OOZE that steams in the DIM LIGHT of torches that use the FAT of SENTIENT BEINGS as their UNHOLY FUEL.  In a ravine below, a HORDE OF DARKSPAWN march toward the SURFACE, bringing with them DISEASE, WAR, AND DEATH.  The ARCHDEMON, a dragon of unstoppable power warped by BLIGHT into a TWISTED WINGED NIGHTMARE flies overhead, BLACK FLAME flickering around its RAZOR-EDGED MAW.]

[SCENE: The Dead Trenches.]

OGHREN: See?  It must be a nice place.  All those guys like it, an’ they can’t all be wrong.

EVERYONE ELSE: [SILENCE]

OGHREN: *belches*

BLAKE: All right, I’m feeling better about spiders, because I have this deep-seated fear popping up that something way worse is about to happen.  Anyone else getting the feeling something way worse is about to happen?

ZEVRAN: I genuinely wonder if it could get worse than what we have already seen.  

[HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, wow. Oh, wow, it CAN.  Like, holy crap.   I can’t even.]

OGHREN: Does anyone have a sandwich? I’ve been hammering down vodka for like six hours. I could use a snack.  

ZEVRAN: You genuinely worry me.  

[SCENE: DEEPER in the DEAD TRENCHES which are DEEP in the DEEP ROADS, DEEP.  DEEP.]

BLAKE: All right, I think at this point our best option is to not do anything, ever, for any reason.  Any door we open will have something awful behind it, so we just won’t open any doors.  

ZEVRAN: What if need to open a door to keep going?  

BLAKE: Then we stand next to it until we die of old age.  Because we can never, ever, open it.  Because what’s behind it will be terrible.  Look at this place. Everything about it is terrible.  Everything we find will be terrible.  Everything. Is. Terrible.  

ALISTAIR:  Honey, you’ve had a bad day, and you have some spider venom in your brain. You’re not thinking clearly. Surely not every path can lead to something awful!  

[ALISTAIR opens the first DOOR he finds. Behind is an ANCIENT DARKSPAWN FORGE, surrounded by a small ARMY of the BLOODTHIRSTY BEASTS, at the head a HIDEOUSLY WIZENED and yet TERRIFYINGLY MUSCLED ancient beast, a LEGENDARY BLADE snapped off in its hide from one of many HEROES who have FALLEN BEFORE IT.]

[ALISTAIR closes the DOOR.]

ALISTAIR: Admittedly a bad example.

ZEVRAN: So cute, yet so dumb.

ALISTAIR: What?

ZEVRAN: What?

LELIANA: Let us try zis door!  

[LELIANA opens another door. Behind is it is an ANCIENT CRYPT, carved from OBSIDIAN and swirling with the SOULS OF THE DAMNED. The GHOSTS of FALLEN DWARVES, their DARK AURA repelling even the DARKSPAWN, patrol their crypt, ready to SLAUGHTER ANY LIVING THING.]

[LELIANA closes the DOOR.]

BLAKE: ‘Cute but dumb’ is a recurring theme around here, eh?

LELIANA: You realize zat I know you are insulting me?

BLAKE: It’s okay, you’ll forgive me when I give you a present and say you have nice hair.  

LELIANA: I cannot argue with zis.  

MORRIGAN: This is amusing.  Can I open a door next?

BLAKE: No!

[MORRIGAN does not LISTEN.  Behind the door is a DWARVEN WOMAN; her eyes are coated in CATARACTS and EMPTY of all HOPE, her clothes torn, her skin COATED in FILTH and hideous BLACK LESIONS, as if she was ROTTING FROM WITHIN.  Under her breath, she repeats a terrifying rhyme about the HORRIBLE DEATHS of all her friends and loved ones.]

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, this is the most fascinating door yet.    

BLAKE: … … … What is wrong with you.  

HORRIFYING DWARF WOMAN: [I… will refrain from repeating the POEM here because if you ever played the GAME, you have heard it for years in your NIGHTMARES.  Suffice to say: NEVER EVER BE CAUGHT BY DARKSPAWN.]

OGHREN: Hespith? Damn, you’ve… looked better.  

HESPITH: I have been systematically tortured and fed the bloody flesh of my kinsmen for days on end.

OGHREN: Maybe need a bath or somethin’.  

HESPITH: Life is over. There is no hope. I seek only oblivion now.  

OGHREN: I… shit, does anyone have a beer or somethin’ for her? I drank all mine on the way here to prep me for drinking when we get home to celebrate saving Branka and the clan.

HESPITH: She betrayed us, feeding her entire clan to the Darkspawn.  The men are dead. The women are worst. I am the only survivor… … … no. No, I did not survive. My heart still beats, but I am dead. Branka is dead, for there is nothing inside her now but madness and obsession. House Branka is dead.  

OGHREN: Erm… I’m still okay?

HESPITH: [SQUINTS] … Oh sweet ancestors, it’s Oghren.  I thought I was hallucinating, but the smell of it is worse even than this pit of horrors.  Like rotting cheese and a skunk had a baby.

OGHREN: Nice to see you too. How ya doin’?  

HESPITH: I thought I was in Hell before, but fate cannot help but drag me that tiny bit lower.  

OGHREN: Yeah, running out of beer will do that. So, uh, how is Branka doing? I mean, other than… leaving you to die.  

HESPITH: You are familiar with the Anvil of the Void? The legendary tool that allows dwarves to create golems?

OGHREN: I am, and not just because you summarized it right there.

BLAKE: Thanks for doing that, by the way.

HESPITH: You’re welcome. Well, in any case, Branka quite wants it.  And she decided everyone else in the world was holding her back.  

OGHREN: Even me?

HESPITH: Especially you.  Also, I’ve been sleeping with her. For years. Before, during, and after your marriage. You are a cuckold.

OGHREN: … … ... Why would you mention that?

HESPITH: It is literally the only small joy I have left in my existence.  

BLAKE: I wish I had met you earlier. I think you and I would have gotten along before you were like… mentally and physically destroyed.  

ALISTAIR: She’s right, you know.  Oghren does smell like skunk cheese.  

LELIANA: I vould have zaid ‘badger garbage,’ but I accept many viewpoints.  

MORRIGAN: Truly, dwarfland is a wonderful place.  I may retire here one day, when my plans have come to fruition.  [PAUSE]  Not that I have any plans.  

[NOT seeing any real evidence against that ‘TALL DWARF’ theory. If she starts MINING we can pretty much CONFIRM it.]

HESPITH:  Well. You people certainly are… special. Let me tell you a fun secret. The way out of the Dead Trenches to where Branka has gone is through the door down this hallway. Have fun.

BLAKE: Is the secret really fun?

HESPITH: [RESUMES saying her CREEPY RHYME.]

BLAKE: Okay, I’m choosing to stay optimistic about the secret. We don’t know for sure it won’t be fun.    

[SCENE: Through the DOOR, in a room that looks like the WOMB in which is gestating the baby of SATAN and HITLER.]

BROODMOTHER, HIDEOUSLY BLOATED, PALLID, DEFORMED TENTACLE BEAST FROM THE PITS OF HELL: Hrrrrrrrsssssssss!

BLAKE: WHY DOES IT HAVE BOOBS?!

ALISTAIR: I’M NOT HAVING FUN!

LELIANA: OH GOD THE SMELL IS SO AWFUL I CAN FEEL IT IN MY MOUTH!

ZEVRAN: THE VERY CONCEPT OF SEX HAS BECOME DISGUSTING TO ME!

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, fascinating.  

STEN: If you ever wondered why I don’t talk much? This would be why. Moments like this.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You’re the only one of these people I can respect.

BROODMOTHER, THE NIGHTMARE OF SIGMUND FREUD AFTER A WEEK-LONG TRIP THROUGH THE PORN DISTRICTS OF JAPAN: [GIVES birth to a THOUSAND ANGRY YOUNG, who charge at the party, screaming and coated in VILE BLACK OOZE.]

BLAKE: [Throws up.]

OGHREN: Either I’m drunk, or that lady just spat a buncha darkspawn out of her-

BLAKE: YOU’RE DRUNK AND THAT HAPPENED.

OHGREN: Damn. That’s like, 50% bad.

WYNNE: [Just SIGHS and starts casting the HEALING SPELLS. ALISTAIR is already being CHEWED ON.]

[SCENE: Still in the DEEP ROADS, and interlocking WEB of tunnels that nonetheless still only have ONE ROUTE to FOLLOW.]

BLAKE: [CLEANING something off her FACE that one probably shouldn’t THINK ABOUT too hard.]  All right. All right. All right.  We are sure the thing is dead, yes?  We are sure? Because we’ll have to come back this way and I wanna know. I never, ever want to see another of those again.  Ever.

[Hahaha… yeah, ABOUT THAT.]

BLAKE: You stay out of this.  Sten, did you perform the operation?

STEN: [Holds up BROODMOTHER’S disgusting head.]  I’m not sure why I’m the one who has to carry this.

BLAKE: Because you’re the biggest. You have the most meat to get through if it comes alive and starts trying to eat people.  

STEN: I have grown to hate you.  

BLAKE: Don’t be uncool about this, Sten. I’ll reward you.  Two extra portions of gruel for you at the camp this evening.  

ALISTAIR: We have other food, you know. You don’t have to feed us gruel all the time.  

BLAKE: And you don’t have to talk, but that’s never stopped you.

MORRIGAN: [SIGHS WISTFULLY.]  Have I ever told you that I’d ride you like a stallion if you were a guy?

BLAKE: You have, and it never stops being off-putting.  

MORRIGAN: You know it, tiger.

BLAKE: You know, the only reason I’m even still sane is that we have just been through a ridiculous mess that was longer than the stupid elf forest and the stupid wizard tower combined. So I know we’re done. Okay? This has to be the end.  

[Because BLAKE still has not learned to TEMPT FATE for some reason, a DWARF appears on the rocky cliffs above them, looking down, even as a huge metal gate SLAMS SHUT behind the party.]

CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS: Done? Fools! You have an entire dungeon left, bwahahahahahahaha!  

OGHREN: Honey bear!  

WACK-A-DOODLE DANDY: Eh? Who are you?

OGHREN: It’s me! Oghren!

ONE PICKAXE SHORT OF A DWARF MINE: Who?

OGHREN: … Your husband? You… we were married for years?

LOONEY TUNES, WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM: Gonna have to be more specific. I used to have a lot of relatives, before I fed them all to the darkspawn to further my insane goals.  They all kind of blend together in the razor-filled soup that is my mind.  [PAUSES.]  Bwahahahahahahaha!

OGHREN: *sigh* Everyone, this is Branka.  

BLAKE: [BLINKS a few times.]  So, hey, Leliana, you may have just graduated to having the second-worst ex out of anyone in the party. Congrats.

LELIANA: Ze trick is to shine by comparison.  

BRANKA: None may shine but Branka!  Am I not the greatest of all dwarves? Did I not come up with the brilliant plan to find the Anvil of the Void by opening the door and letting infinite darkspawn funnel in until the traps in front of it just stop working from getting too much blood in them? Did I not abandon all of my friends and family to a fate worse than death, letting them be defiled and mutated into hideous bloated monsters, in order to ensure this supply?  

[SILENCE.]

BLAKE: I… um… holy shit, did you?

BRANKA: I did!

BLAKE: Sweet Andraste’s ass. Leliana, the ambiguity is gone. You win. You win forever.  I miss Marjolaine.  I would pay literal money to have Marjolaine standing here in front of us right now.    

LELIANA: [Grins SMUGLY.]

STEN: I do believe we have met a leader worse than our own. I had considered this to be nearly impossible. But the world is a strange and many-faceted place, full of new experiences and diverse peoples. [PAUSE.]  I look forward to the day my people conquer and destroy it all.

BLAKE: Hey. Eat a dick, buddy.

STEN: I am not hungry.

BRANKA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  You’ll need to find your way through all the traps and reach the Anvil of the Void to escape this terrible dungeon, you fools! [PAUSE]  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MORRIGAN: I actually forgot she was here.  Do you suppose we should proceed forward? I should like to have this Anvil for my own use, of course, but honestly more than anything I suspect we’ll need to kill that one at the end of this whole mess, and I deeply wish to.

OGHREN: We’re not killing her, crazy-tits! She’s my wife!    

MORRIGAN: You saying that only makes me want to kill her more.

WYNNE: Sweet Andraste, I think I actually semi-agree with Morrigan.  

MORRIGAN: That’s weird.  

BRANKA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

MORRIGAN: Though also, in this one case, understandable.  

BLAKE: Wow. I… this might be the first time we’ve all agreed on something. Branka is annoying enough to kill. Unanimous vote?

OGHREN: I said no!

BLAKE: Unanimous it is.

[SCENE:  A cave that looks pretty much like EVERY cave.  The DEEP ROADS are so INTERESTING.]

BLAKE: All right. She said there would be traps, so we can assume things are going to be troublesome here.

LELIANA: But my love, we ‘ave me ‘ere to disarm all ze traps we might see.  

BLAKE: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!  Y-you’re gonna disarm the trapsHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

LELIANA: Zis makes you happy, I see.

BLAKE: [WIPES AWAY a tear of mirth.]  S-sure. That’s why I was laughing.  I can’t think of any other reason I might be laughing. It’s not as though every single trap we’ve ever encountered in this entire game has exploded in our faces because you don’t notice them until we’re already standing in them half the time. I’d never think such things.  

LELIANA: I know vous would not. Now, as my approval has hit ze high 70’s and we ‘ave done my sidequest, let us make passionate love when next we return to camp.  

BLAKE: … … … Sometimes you people being dumbasses works out for me.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.  

[BLAKE reaches out and pushes ALISTAIR one step FORWARD, setting off a HORRIBLE TRAP.]

LELIANA: [OBSERVING THIS] Trap, right ahead!

[The HALLWAY fills with POISONOUS GAS, causing ALISTAIR to fall to his knees and begin CHOKING to DEATH.  Even as this occurs, GOLEMS wake up on either side of the HALLWAY, preparing to PULVERIZE him.]

MORRIGAN: ‘Tis like every birthday present my mother never bothered to give me because birthdays are for the weak, delivered to me all at once.  

WYNNE: [NARROWS EYES.]  You people just delight in making my job harder, don’t you?  You kill Alistair all you want, and then I have to heal him.  You  think that’s easy? Or fun?  I would like to have time to read a nice book from time to time, not just put everyone’s kidneys back in their bodies.  

ALISTAIR: Sweet Andraste my kidneys! They’re out of my body, because of the golems!

WYNNE: You’re being quite inconvenient, young man!

[SCENE: The NEXT HALLWAY.]

BLAKE: Okay.  Everyone, this hallways seems much nicer than the first one.   I suspect it to be a, you know, breather after the first hallway.  I think that one of you should get to lead the way, and really enjoy it.  

STEN: I can see the golems standing there. On the sides.

BLAKE: No, you don’t.

STEN: Yes, I do. I see them.

BLAKE: They might not be golems.  They might just be statues.  

STEN: They look exactly like the other golems, from the first hallway. Whoever goes first will clearly be beaten horribly by them.

BLAKE: We don’t know that. And I think it’s worth sending in Oghren in first to check.  

STEN: Oh. I didn’t realize you were building to that. Yes, then, I agree.

OGHREN: The hell, you guys?!

DOG: Woof, woof!  

OGHREN: Thank you.  

BLAKE: He was actually saying that your smell sickens him and he hopes your death removes it from the world.  

OGHREN: … Yer dog’s a jerk.

BLAKE: [Reaches out a HAND, and shoves OGHREN one step FORWARD.]

[NOTHING happens.]

OGHREN: … …  Huh. Maybe this hallway actually was a breather.  I mean, nothing seems to be…

[GIANT RAZOR-EDGED BUZZSAWS erupt from the floor and ceiling, burying OGHREN in a STORM of BLADES.]

MORRIGAN: Whoever designed this place has a very interesting sense of humor. I wonder if they design swamp cottages? I really was looking to trade up.

BLAKE: On the plus side, the golems don’t seem to have woken… oh, never mind, there they do.  

OGHREN: Oh ancestors, my kidneys!

LELIANA: Trap, right ahead!

[SCENE: The FINAL puzzle room. It is a large, open chamber, with a large FOUR-FACED STATUE in the middle surrounded by ANVILS.]

BLAKE: Okay, so this chamber is probably the breather one.  Zevran, you go first!

ZEVRAN: I thought you liked me.  

BLAKE: I’m running low on sacrificial lambs.

ZEVRAN: Send Morrigan!

BLAKE: She’s scarier than you.

MORRIGAN: It’s true!  

ZEVRAN: [Sighs DEEPLY and steps FORWARD.]

STATUE: [Comes ALIVE and begins spawning an ARMY OF GHOSTS.]

ZEVRAN: Oh, that isn’t so bad. At least no poison gas or razor blades hit me.

ALISTAIR: Screw you.  

OGHREN: Seriously.

[What FOLLOWS is what is known in video-game parlance as a PUZZLE BOSS.  In this particular case, the HEROES must destroy the GHOSTS, which causes an ANVIL to activate. Then you ACTIVATE the anvil to attack the MAIN STATUE.  This sounds kind of INTERESTING.]

[It is NOT.]

ZEVRAN: *Yawn*

MORRIGAN: Oh my non-existent Maker, these things are so tedious.  We’ve turned on these damnable anvils five times already and it’s just won’t end.  

BLAKE: I think it’s just three more, guys.  Come on, this is clearly meant to be the puzzle that makes people stop coming for the Anvil of the Void because they get bored and go grab lunch instead.  We just have to power through it.  

WYNNE: I could do without the statue shooting just enough damage to be annoying but not enough to kill anyone.  

BLAKE: We could all do without that, Wynne, but you don’t see us whining about it.  

LELIANA: Vould anyone like to take a break for lunch? We ‘ave been in ze Deep Roads for a long time, and zis stupid boss…

BLAKE: No!  Look, we have to be near the end.  I know it’s tedious, but we gotta get this done, and then we go back to the surface and never, ever come back.  

ALISTAIR: Who would possibly be cruel enough to design this place?  

[SCENE: BIOWARE OFFICES.]

PROGRAMMER: Hey, Bob. We have all the major quests for Dragon Age: Origins ready except the two you were supposed to design.  Do you happen to have them set?  

RAOUL: [Twists his SINISTER MOUSTACHE while looking with GLEE at the completed maps for the DEEP ROADS and the CIRCLE TOWER.  They take up his ENTIRE DESK and most of the one NEXT to it.]  Yes… yesssssssssssss…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

PROGRAMMER: You’ve been weird ever since you grew that moustache, Bob.  

[SCENE: The ANVIL OF THE VOID.  The great device itself gleams with flame; and who can say whether this is the POWER within it, or merely the UNTOLD MAJESTY of the lava fields it OVERLOOKS? Standing before it is the most ORNATE and POWERFUL of all golems, forged not from STONE but from interlocking, rune-covered STEEL PLATES.  It gives off an aura of quiet power and DIGNITY.]

BLAKE: You can go to Hell and die, jackass.

GOLEM: … Excuse me?

BLAKE: Oh. OH!  I’m sorry. I thought you were going to be another goddamn boss fight.  Just that we’ve gone through like six at this point.  

GOLEM: Oh.  Right, you must be the ones I heard fighting the four-faced statue. Did you have fun?

BLAKE: …

MORRIGAN: I’m going to kill it and make a cooking pot of its skull.  

ZEVRAN: I shall cook delightful Antivan dishes in it.  

DOG: Bark, bark.  

BLAKE: You don’t want to know what he said.  And now, let’s all kill this thing.  

GOLEM: Wait, wait.  I would like to offer you an alternative path. You see, I may look like a giant metal golem, but I am actually Caridin, the original creator of this mighty anvil you see before you.

BLAKE: Huh. Interesting. I’m sorry I called you a thing, then. Kill this guy, everyone.

CARIDIN: Would you please stop.  

BLAKE: Sorry, I’m in a bad mood. I’ll allow you to talk.

MORRIGAN: But my cooking pot!

BLAKE: I will buy you a cooking pot.  

MORRIGAN: You never let me have anything I want.  

BLAKE: We would get you things that you want, but you always want evil!  Caridin, just ignore her, she’s the evil one.

CARIDIN: I’m actually getting the impression most of you are pretty evil.  

BLAKE: Leliana and Wynne are nice.  

ALISTAIR: What about me?

BLAKE: You don’t count, because to be ‘good’ you have to be smart enough to have some general idea of what is going on around you in the universe.  Much like a goldfish isn’t good or evil, you aren’t.    

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.  

CARIDIN:  … Sure. Anyway, what I was going to say here, is that you should actually destroy this Anvil.  Because you see, Golems are people.

BLAKE: Oh. Um. I should probably mention we killed like twelve on our way here.

CARIDIN: I… oh, shit. Was one of those Jeff? Because Jeff owed me twenty silver.  

ALISTAIR: How would we know?

CARIDIN: He was made of stone.

LELIANA: Zat narrows it down very little.  Also, how are ze golems made of ze people?  I ‘ave seen zem, and zey are in fact made of ze stone, or in vous case ze metal.

CARIDIN: … What even is your accent?

BLAKE: Hey!  We’ve already been over that.  It doesn’t need to make sense. Tell us the story of your stupid past and don’t lead us off on any tangents, or we’ll be on it for another damn hour.  

ALISTAIR: Hey, have you guys ever thought about pudding?

BLAKE:  NO TANGENTS.

CARIDIN: Well. The way I discovered to make golems was to shove a person into a giant rock suit, and then pour molten hot magic rocks on them.  But it wasn’t until they made me a golem that I realized: this was bad.

BLAKE: ……………….

LELIANA: ………………….

WYNNE: ………………….

MORRIGAN: I don’t see the issue.  

BLAKE: Morrigan!  Stop helping!  

WYNNE: You truly didn’t see the issue with pouring molten rock on your people, sir golem-dwarf?

CARIDIN: Well, they were poor.  

MORRIGAN: Makes perfect sense to me!

ZEVRAN: You terrify me. And I am an assassin.  

STEN: In my country, we would have cut his eyes out and sewn his mouth shut.  

ZEVRAN: Erm… as punishment for… mutilating thousands of his own people?

STEN: No, we just do that to anyone who uses magic. As is right and proper.

ZEVRAN: I… am an assassin. And I am not the scariest person on this team. I… how did this happen? I mean, I still have my position as the sexy one, but still.  

BLAKE: Oh, whatever. You know what? I don’t even care. Let’s just break this thing and go home, it’s not like we actually like Bhelen. No need for another stupid boss fight.

BRANKA: DID SOMEONE ORDER ANOTHER STUPID BOSS FIGHT?!

BLAKE: [Kind of TWITCHES.]

[SCENE: ORZAMMAR, about a MONTH LATER.  The team WANDERS into the CITY, because to WALK into a city you need to have some DIGNITY REMAINING.  NOBODY looks very HAPPY, nobody is TALKING, and BLAKE still has a bit of BRANKA on her.]

OGHREN: …. Did ya really have to cut off her…

BLAKE: I SWEAR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART.

STEN: She may in fact do it. Her mind is unstable.  [PAUSES]  More than the rest of you, I mean.

LELIANA: Oh, and you are ze paragon of sanity?

STEN: I am a member of a fanatical expansionist brainwashing cult.  [PAUSES]  So yes.  

WYNNE: I miss my demon-infested tower.  

OGHREN: But now, seriously, you cut off her-

BLAKE: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

[SCENE: Inside the DWARVEN ASSEMBLY HALL.]

BHELEN: I should be king!

HARROWMONT: Nuh-uh!

BHELEN: Uh-huh!  

DWARVEN POLITICIAN: Sweet ancestors, the chance to see such wondrous political masters at work is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

DWARVEN POLITICIAN 2: The pinnacle of dwarven culture, we see before us.  

BHELEN: You smell!

HARROWMONT: Your mom smells!  

[The AIR grows COLD.  BLAKE enters.  Nobody seems HAPPY TO SEE HER.]

BLAKE: Everyone. Shut up. Bhelen, you are king now. Paragon said so.  And if anyone questions it, I will gut everyone in this room.  

HARROWMONT: Which para-

[SCENE: BHELEN’s THRONE ROOM.]

BHELEN: I can’t believe she cut off all their-

OGHREN: Shit, quiet, she’s waking up, don’t let her hear you say that.

BLAKE: Uuuuugh… my head hurts…

MORRIGAN: [With one BLACK EYE, and walking on CRUTCHES.]  Oh, yes, once again the real problem is how uncomfortable you are. Bitch.  

ALISTAIR: Are you okay, my little rose blossom?  I’m afraid you had a… tiny episode.

WYNNE: The Dwarves no longer have a senate. I’m not sure that’s tiny.  

LELIANA: She was not foaming at ze mouth like after ze mage tower, that’s a step in ze right direction.

ZEVRAN: I have to guess the new king won’t be happy, though…

BHELEN: Actually, I was probably going to have them all killed and blame it on foreigners eventually. Now I don’t have to put in the effort, so hey, win-win.

BLAKE: … … …  I think I have dwarf blood in my mouth.

STEN: There was some biting. It was quite efficient. I assume you learned it from your exceptional dog.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You remain the only one of this group I respect.

BLAKE: I… ugh. You know what, screw it. Things ended well…

WYNNE: Not for the dwarves you bit to death!

BLAKE: Not counting them. And Bhelen will give me his army now. Won’t he?

BHELEN: Of course. The dwarves always stand ready to face our ancient foes, the Darkspawn, be it beneath the ground or above it. I shall give you the sum total of my military force, the mightiest army on Thedas.  I shall give you an overwhelming horde of professional killers, each one weaned on the blood of their foes. I shall give you… [PAUSE for DRAMATIC EFFECT]… fifty soldiers!

[BLAKE takes this information IN.]

[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE in DENERIM]

LOGHAIN: So my daughter, the queen? She was asking if I had her husband killed to take his throne and now I’m locking her in the palace so she can’t run the country without me.  

TIM CURRY: Oh shit, what did you tell her?

LOGHAIN: I kind of coughed and pretended I didn’t hear her.  I mean, how do you reply to that?

TIM CURRY: We should kill her.  

LOGHAIN: I… what? No. She’s my daughter, you asshole.  We’re not killing her.

TIM CURRY: I’d kill her if she was my daughter. Watch, let me get my daughter.

LOGHAIN: No!  Dude, nobody’s daughter is getting killed. We’ll just keep her locked up until I defeat everyone who thinks I shouldn’t be running the country, then kill all the Grey Wardens, then defeat the infinite horde of monsters. It’s all just tactics, really. Then she can have her country back.

TIM CURRY: I’ll get a knife.

LOGHAIN: Stop that. Seriously, I’m really questioning why I let you in on this conspira-

[An ear-splitting SHRIEK, like a TORTURED CAT being STEPPED ON by an ELEPHANT with a FOOT INFECTION that is being RIDDEN by an easily started OPERA SINGER, rings through the PALACE. No, the WORLD.  Carried by the endless chasms of the DEEP ROADS, it ECHOES into ETERNITY, bringing with it a WAVE of almost PALPABLE FRUSTRATION that makes everyone who hears it feel SLIGHTLY WORSE about the way their LIFE has been going so far.]

LOGHAIN: …

TIM CURRY: …

LOGHAIN: You know, I got the strangest feeling that was like, exactly fifty dwarves worth of rage.  Don’t ask me why. Weird, right?    

TIM CURRY: So… um… wanna sell some city elves into slavery to pay for our war?

LOGHAIN:  Do I ever!

[cactuarkitty]

Random DA:O Thoughts - Pt 11.

I finally did the opinions and I care about you talks with Alistair, and SAVED :O haha I’ve been watching them multiple times then loading so I hadn’t locked it in yet. It’s official; Norua and Alistair are a couple. <3

God I love him. You know how much I love him? Enough to travel to several merchants so he’d have matching silverite armour. I’m sorry but I’m not going to have him in a silverite breast plate with red steel gloves and boots. :P

I gave Al the locket. The only thing that changed with giving him the locket after saving the Arl, was that he said he’d have to talk to him once he saw him again. Instead of saying he’d have to talk to him if he survived.

Haha Leliana complemented Morrigan on her boobs. She wants to go shopping with her. She’s so sweet ^^

Leliana is obsessed with shoes. I love that!

(continued from Part 10 about the Sacred Ashes quest) There was a dragon egg, I got so excited haha. Thought I’d get a dragon. But nope, just a necklace and something else inside it. Can’t even use the necklace cause it’s for a blood mage.

Dragon! arrrggghhh!

Tried to fight the dragon. Got it’s health half down then it ate me. Should have listened to Alistair’s warning lol.

Into the main temple now. :D

The guardian knight is cool! He had comments to say on all of us.

Poor Alistair wishes he could have gone to the battle to protect Duncan, and would have died instead. :( That makes me so sad! I’m hoping at some point I find something to give to him that’d remind him of Duncan. I might need to buy that dlc.

Leliana’s was quite brutal. Wynne’s wasn’t as bad.

This test reminds me heaps of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade haha.

All the riddles were cool. :) There was a guy named Thane.

Man Jowan is everywhere! Now he’s haunting me as a spirit.

Holy crap I have to fight myself :/ died twice. Fighting myself is hard. Beat her on the 3rd try. I targeted her first since she was blasting us with her spells. Damn you, Norua!

Had to do a cool bridge puzzle, where you had to step on stones to activate the bridge pieces. You would need to leave one character on a stone then swap between characters to move them as well. Cracked me up when I discovered the key to the puzzle with Alistair cause he was super excited!

Omg they made us take all our clothes off! XD ahahaha. We had to walk through the fire.

Found the ashes! Wow I’m so impressed with this quest. It had a lot of depth. The Knight guard said we were worthy, so I took a pinch of the ashes. Apparently you can defile the ashes. I never came across the guy who asks you to do that though. Just made me think of the warden grabbing a handful haha.

Brother Genitivi wants to spread the word of the ashes. I said it probably wasn’t a good idea. All companions agreed with me, especially Alistair who was sarcastic and said “Like the urn has a never ending supply of ashes?”. I decided to kill him which I immediately regretted lol. She threw a freaking dagger straight into his skull :O It was so gross! Al didn’t lose points, but Wynne and Leliana did. I decided to load and picked the “Okay but if it goes wrong it’s your fault” option haha.

Went straight to Redcliffe Castle after to save the Arl. I’m glad we were able to help him. He thought the whole thing was a dream. As a reward he made us champions or something. Then he proposed a land meet (I’ve heard of that before I think). I told him to hand Jowan over to the circle. Not sure what will happen to him. Oh yeah also he wants Alistair to be King. Every single time it is brought up, Al is adament he doesn’t WANT to be king. So I’m not going to push him.

In Denerim again now just doing a bunch of sidequests. Also will take Al to see his sister.

So the drake scales are for a guy named Wade. I went away and did a bunch of back alley side quests then it was done. He is so funny! “Yooou MUST bring me mooore drake scaaales!”

Al said he had a golem doll when he was young from a shop called The Wonders of Thedas. Thought I could get him one but nope. Sucky!

Omg Al’s Sister is such a cow! Poor Alistair. I even said he could give her money. She didn’t say thanks. Just kept going on about how he was a prince and he should give her more money blah blah blah. That he killed her mum. What the fuck! He was a BABY! I’m so mad! I said to her: “That’s hardly his fault!” then she called me a tart or something. Al was like: “Hey don’t speak to her like that!” Can’t believe I wasted 15 gold on her.

Outside now. Poor guy. I saw that hardening option but yeah, I picked to tell him that he doesn’t need her, that people care about him. He said the only one who cared about him was Duncan, to which I said: “I care about you” :)

Bought a new staff. It’s really cool! Literally haha. Has an ice enchantment on it. Love it! Also bought a new robe. I love shopping in games!

Wynne loves doggo :) they have cute convos.

Omg after Al said thanks for helping with his sis (well for being there for him) he told me he loves me. Squuueeeeeee!! <3

Back at camp. A cutscene automatically began. Al awkwardly asking if he can spend the night together in the tent. Yes! I’m so happy. I headcanon Norua as a virgin too cause she spent her life in the tower when she was very young. Plus it wasn’t something she thought of that much, she was too interested in her magic studies. When she did, she’d always dreamed of waiting for the right guy. Anyway I’m glad I waited for Alistair to make the first move. Also I’m soo happy it wasn’t right before some big battle. I kinda get sick of that sometimes. How they only have sex right before the “we might die” mission. It was magical and beautiful <3 I’ve watched it about 20 times now haha. It sucked tho cause the kiss scene before the love scene was glitched. Al was rubbing his hands in front of the fire and Norua was kissing the air lol. I think it’s the digital copy cause I loaded and redid it many times and it still happened. Oh well! Then after the love scene he said what if people talked, to which i replied if they did I’d feed them to the darkspawn myself. He said: “SEE! This is why I love you!” hehehe. Then he told her again he loved her again. He’s such a sweetheart.

Did anyone else keep Alistair’s original shield and sword? They take up room but I can’t bring myself to sell them. I feel like they’d mean something to him. His shield he received when he was training to be a templar, and the sword he received when he became a grey warden. Maybe he wouldn’t use them anymore but they’d have meaning to him.

Now that Al said he loves me, he says: “Something you need, my dear?” when you talk to him. So cute!

Doing the back alleys is good for money.

Spoke to a hooded courier, all he said was: “Our good friendship is guaranteed.” Who the hell is this guy?

Okay haha I worked it out. It’s a quest with the Blackstone Irregulars.

It’s strange but I can go back into Goldanna’s house, she’s cleaning the floor. I wonder if her name has meaning… cause she’s a gold digger.

Lol Sten said Ferelden smelled like a wet dog. So I said: “Don’t forget the garbage” and he said: “Ah don’t remind me” hehe.

Killed Flemeth. Whoa she was hard. I was THIS close to dying. I literally had a slither left of health and so did she. I’m so glad I didn’t die cause that would have been sooo annoying!!

Aww Morrigan is my friend :) It was a nice chat. She said she might not always prove worthy of the friendship but she would always value it.

Doing the wardens keep dlc now. Soldiers peak is creepy! It was a fun and kinda shocking quest. Now I have a party chest! Thank the Maker!

I had a star metal sword made for Al called Starfang. Looks awesome!!

[mistralrunner]

Trespasser Liveblog, Part Two: Explosions of more than one variety

In which Menel is tired of everyone attacking instead of talking, and heads off to the library to get his questions answered.

I get the feeling this is not the first time Cassandra or Menel have said something sappy during this whole trek through the Deep Roads cause they haven’t seen each other in a while and between that and the Deep Roads Varric is so done

Kind of feel bad for this Templar dude. Had a conscience, left Meredith, and ended up under another lousy murderous boss

But hey, we get to explode things! I’m far more excited about that than Menel.

It's a shame we can't reference any Descent things, such as deja vu with the shaking earth, the whole lyrium is Titan's blood thing

I have to admire the Qunari for defying the world rule of “only dwarves can mine lyrium” and engineering a new way. The rampant casualties from such an attempt not so much.

"I see you. Do you see me?" I see you've been practicing catchphrases, assassin

Assassin stabs me in the back, I knock her off a cliff

Okay that is a creepy elven song in that journal what did the Creators do to the dwarves

SAAREBAS ABORT ABORT

Actually that wasn't that bad. Yet.

"I wish whoever fights in the name of the old wolf was around to fight when the darkspawn took my clan."

No he's too busy napping and then insulting the people who actually do fight the Blight cause apparently they could have fought it better. Stupid Egg

Can Rhovan adopt the Dalish journal writer please. Pretty sure they're dead like most people we read the journal entries of but still.

I’m just really amused by the dramatic assassin one-liners

"There's so much you don't see"

"You are blind, Inquisitor"

So melodramatic. Admittedly the Qunari can be rather eloquent with imagery despite their stoic reputation.

Bit of an adrenaline rush heee explosions and then running away as everything floods

Aww why do all the good Templars die

Yeah, at this point Teagan really does have a right to be angry especially under my headcanon of an arrangement between the Inquisition and Ferelden cause right now it looks like the Inquisition might be betraying Ferelden

From his pov the Inquisition likely led them on with false promises so they’d be less prepared to fight, and then constructed a new crisis that justifies the continued existence of the Inquisition,

Even if it’s kind of hilarious that he’s reacting so aggressively to the Inquisition troops occupying an Orlesian palace 

Duke Cyril possibly isn’t a bad person, although he’s probably using the good cop appearance to win favor cause this is Orlais and Games and maskes, but even if has good intentions we’re not letting the Orlesian empire get augmented with the armies and spies of the Inquisition

Ah right, this is the part with the guard and the servant who are both spies not that Menel knows either of these things

Menel’s internally crying there’s no proper way to do this.

Either action is a poor move politically, unfortunately why can’t we just talk rather than arresting people...ended up detaining the servant cause intuition and the barrels looking familiar after the Deep Roads even though that is probably the worse one politically

Aaah Sera your journal keeps giving me feels

"Not all right! Wait and help. Somehow."

Awww her feelings for Dagna are so sweet

Of course the library level would be past a bookshelf

Time to bring the book club of Cassandra, Varric, and Dorian

Another vanishing guy right in front of me Leliana you're nearby did you see that no she's looking away

Oh hey there's that scar on the sky where the breach was

Once more through the eluvian!

Time to get distracted by books

Oooh Xebenkeck reference.  

So they were banished? I guess it makes sense given they’re ancient so they would have been around during the time of Artlathan.

I wonder if Forbidden Ones are the same as the Forgotten Ones? I still prefer my Forgotten Ones are the Old Gods theory.

All these memories are so vivid there’s a chance Menel was close to crying. He might have received knowledge from the Well but even the memories of countless priests probably only captures a slim fragment of a vast civilization.

Rkejrkrkttkrkejrjtjrn

Enchantment!!!!!

Sandal’s journal is the best.

*goes to enchant things*

I’m worried about Sandal now. Yes, every time I’ve found him he’s been surrounded by a room of dead bodies but the camp is presumably abandoned and there are Qunari around please be okay.

Menel you failed in your duties as protagonist by not finding Sandal in a room filled with corpses

I’m so glad the archivist spirit calls Menel “Honored elvhen” so much better than Abelas but then again that makes sense given the spirit is one of learning and exchange

All the knowledge????

Eeeeeee

Menel is just nerding out with all this knowledgeeeee we still have a mission you know

"I have not thought with myself for some time" is such an amusing line. Well, amusing out of the tragic context.

Hey look at that fresco in the distance isn't the artistic style familiar *cough*

Dorian notes the anchor is flaring up near elven magic and Menel notes it doesn’t happen when he casts cause that is also technically elven magic. Just not ancient elven magic.

Ugh it’s so obvious in retrospect this maze of eluvians is a trap with these energy channelers there to make things worse. Plus if you were to try to slow down/trap Menel an ancient elven library is the perfect place. 

Menel's just like wait what the Beyond was part of the waking world and Fen’Harel created the Veil itself what this aligns with the stories of Fen'Harel sealing away our gods but how does this work with tales of the Beyond

Come on I'm pretty sure Menel at least suspects Solas given these frescos and how he talked about the Fade

Love people being worried about Menel

Haha Dorian wanting to reverse engineer eluvians and Varric is just like, not again

Seriously though, Merrill needs to know about all this.

Excuse me the Dalish canonically read ancient elven, especially a Keeper in training like Menel was. Ugh, Bioware.

Librarians are terrifying. I really wish we didn’t have to fight them though.

The librarians throw spiders on you? Poor Menel

ACTUAL FEARLINGS BAD DAY

Again I can barely translate the elvish and that makes me sad

Menel is falling unconscious so much this is a scary fight

I did the whole end of the library section going into the climax but then realized I hadn’t found the Taken Shape and thus reloaded and ran about finding all the other eluvians cause I didn’t want to do all the side things once things got really serious cause that would disrupt the narrative flow

There's another halla statuette but in the Crossroads and with a map whyyyy I thought we were done with these statuettes

The Deep Roads caverns being flooded is kind of cool. Not surprised Varric says he can’t swim, swimming in any waters around Kirkwall sounds like a terrible idea.

Well, that giant mural of a shattered Titan sure isn’t disturbing.

I really hope Valta and Menel can still remain friends cause Valta is awesome but honestly her “I would never hurt you” line was just jinxing it and now I have further evidence cause if the Titans want vengeance we’re in trouble.

Love how Hawke a while back mentioned she’s not sure she can help unless we’re facing a horde of rampaging Qunari and of course we face one after Hawke leaves

And it’s fitting that the game begins with Menel surviving an explosion and ends with him stopping one. Good bookends.

I can’t believe that veilfire rune on the floor released a fear demon and actual giant spiders Menel is having a very bad day

Anyway, climax next time cause that was exhausting