#love these guys from hit 2015 game bloodborne

[loveskilljoy]

A shot in the heart doesn't make it unbreak

[aurimeanswind]

Here We Are Again—Tuesday Chats (6/14/17)

Deep breaths. This isn’t going to be easy. I ask all you readers to be respectful of my boundaries. To please be courteous to how I choose to deal with things. To understand that I created Sunday Chats to give you an open forum of honesty. To respect the distance I need, and remember that I have incredible friends around me every day that look out for me.

That being said: let’s chat.

FIRST: Late to Chats

I apologize that I’ve missed two Sundays in a row for Sunday Chats. One was because I was in San Francisco (and computer-less) and the other was right in the middle of E3 coverage (and still computer-less).

Now I have a beefy new computer! And it’s beautiful. And I’m very excited about all the things I am going to make on it. I’ve been writing up E3 reactions and recording reaction podcasts all weekend, so if you want to see my big, drawn out thoughts on what everyone did and was up to, you can find them. Very exciting season for games, and I’m sure some of tonight’s questions will focus on them.

I apologize again for the lateness of the chats, but you all were amazing. I asked for questions and you all delivered. I think today I got the most questions for this “Tuesday Chats” that I’ve ever received. I’m humbled, moved, and I love you all.

Now is the part where I tell you what’s been going on in my head, my life, and I ask you to please, please be respectful of my boundaries. To have empathy, but remember that I am a relatively solitary person who enjoys his lonesome (for the most part).

The Part Where I Talk About Mental Health 

This is really hard for me. When my mental health is at it’s worst, it’s hard for me to not want to shelter up and ignore everyone. To stop responding to tweets. To just forget existence. I’m less of the self-harming type, and more of the inward self hatred and doubt type. I’ve been dealing with clinical depression for five years now. It never gets easier.

These last few weeks have been the worst I think I have ever dealt with. Not since 2012 when Irrational Passions Podcast went on hiatus.

I don’t say this to scare my friends, my readers. I don’t say this to be brave, to ask for help, to ask for supportive tweets. In fact, all those things creeping in my head push me against sharing. Against all of us sharing. Many of my followers out there, my friends as well, also suffer from depression. I share this to put the olive branch out for them and myself. To maybe enact some level of mutual support. To let folks know they aren’t alone.

I thought about not sharing this. Sharing how every morning I wake up feeling sluggish and empty. Every day I get more and more tired earlier. How when people are talking around me it slowly becomes like a loud ringing and I just want to scream and run away. That I’m afraid every day and I don’t know why. But this is what I go through. It’s part of me and though I hope it doesn’t control me; in writing about it I think I find some level of catharsis. I also considered spinning this off into it’s own post, since I consider Sunday Chats to be some level of jolly, and maybe depression has no place in it. But I think it’s also safe to say depression has colored the last couple of SC I have written.

This isn’t a subject I like to take lightly, and even if it doesn’t mesh with the jolly answers I’ll be delivering later, I wanted to share this.

First and foremost: I am okay. I’m stable, if not incredibly depressed, but I don’t consider myself a danger to myself. I have a plan to see a Psychiatrist either this week or next. I need to go back on antidepressants, which I haven’t done in a long time, and I’m not super happy about, but I know it’s a necessary step. I’m looking for stability, and I have friends I can rely on and trust. 

As a reminder, if you are having thoughts about suicide, please, please seek help. Call 1-800-273-8255. Your life matters

I do not want people reaching out to let me know that they’re there for me. I understand you want to, but I have a great support system. I don’t say any of this to freak you out, and if I am freaking you out, trust me when I say if I were in immediate danger, I’d do the right thing. I have done it before.

I’m starting to get back into the groove of working, which is helping me find that stability again. And while I don’t know what brought on this most serious depression, maybe recent family trouble, stress from my rent going up, lack of hours at work, or something else, I know that I want to persevere and power through. I definitely didn’t at certain points this weekend, but tonight, in my clear mind, I do. A genuine and unending thank you to Nato Johnston, who acted as my shining star and beacon of positivity this past weekend, keeping me company and my thoughts less cloudy.

Thank you for reading this. I’m sorry if this hurt or worried you, it wasn’t my intention. This is me, a part of me, and if you’re going through something similar, you are not alone. We can get through this. That’s the hope I hold onto because it helps me see tomorrow.

Now that the heavy part is over, I’m sad to say I haven’t really been working on anything special or playing any games. It’s been super hard to focus on working on things without a computer and with all the traveling I’ve been doing. I’m working toward stability now, and I have been writing every day, but none of it has really been interesting or thought provoking.

As for games, the only thing I’ve really sunk any time into is Shovel Knight Plague of Shadows, which has been super interesting. Coming off of Specter of Torment, which is a far better expansion because of it’s more custom-tuned level design to Specter Knight’s abilities, Plague of Shadows is a bit of a letdown. Still, the new parts of it, in conjunction with Plague Knight’s toolset is something to behold. There are really neat parts of that game, and I think going into Specter Knight they learned a lot.

But really that’s it, so let’s get to the good part, THE QUESTIONS

Questions

As always, you can look for my tweet with the hashtag #SundayChats on Sunday afternoons. Obviously today was different, this is more of a make-up chats. You know, I was really worried that because I wasn’t doing this on a Sunday, I wouldn't get that many questions, but holy shit was I wrong. You all have honestly blown me away. Thank you all so much.

Let’s get to it. I know some of you missed Sunday Chats, and while I have no clue why, I’m back and ready for action.

I agree that Nintendo really killed it. Honestly, my favorite was Microsoft. Of all of them, I liked their showmanship the most. But I always really like how they present their stuff. Phil Spencer is just such a genuine dude it’s easy to believe he gets it.

Microsoft really did have a little bit for everyone, but I’ll say this: every one of the big three had something for me. Microsoft had Ori and Life is Strange. Sony had The Last Guardian. And whooooa shit did Nintendo bring the Metroid. Two of them, in fact.

I’m so pleased with all the showings, and a lot of the things I loved the most were little things with tons of potential. The only really big game that hit hard with me was Anthem, and that’s pretty cool I think.

Hrmmmm. This is asking me to toot my own horn a little bit, and I really am not huge into that. But I’ll indulge just a little. 

I’ll give you three, because I don’t think anything I’ve written is crazy good. They’re all really different.

First is my “Growing Up with a Generation” feature. It’s my first big storytelling feature I’ve ever written, I wrote it for my 100-day anniversary for writing every day. I love it.

http://irrationalpassions.com/feature-growing-up-with-a-generation/

It’s one of the big ones that I look back on and am actually super proud of. It’s also the first voice over I ever did.

The second is the first freelance article I ever did. It’s the first piece about video games I was ever paid for, and it was the first thing I ever wrote and got paid for. It’s an incredibly proud moment for me, still, and it is about playing games with my mom. It’s true, it’s cute, and it’s a fun read I think. All things I inspire to create to this day. 

http://pixelkin.org/2015/05/11/playing-with-mom-inspired-my-love-of-games/

And the last is something different. It’s an opinion piece I wrote about Twilight Princess, and it’s something that’s just so different from anything else I’ve ever written. I initially shopped it around as a feature piece for freelance, but no one bought it. I had so much fun writing it that I had to turn it into a written piece one way or another, so I just published it on IP. It’s worth a read/listen.

http://irrationalpassions.com/opinion-twilit-ghost-town/

I think, honestly, of the three, this is the weakest, because it doesn’t really have a strong point. But I played around with some storytelling ideas that I think I see a lot of in Logan Wilkinson’s writing today. It’s probably why I love the dude’s writing so much.

Well. Wow. Okay. Well, I...

Okay yeah I don’t know how to answer this one.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to make PSX. It’s a huge bummer, I know, but I’d want to go to PAX West before that anyway, and I already don’t think I can make that.

Sorry guys.

OOOH!

Absolutely play Mario Odyssey. I’m sure you’ll hate it, because you hate Nintendo and fun Trevor, but I’d be curious to hear some hands-on impressions from you.

I’d say play Metroid Samus Returns too. I just want to believe that game is great.

Outside of that, do some indie sleuthing! Find some games that maybe I haven’t heard of that sound dope!

The big one for me was Bloodborne 2. Like I said on our post show for E3, I still think that game is happening, but I just think this may not be the time to show it. That could easily make its way into PSX, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Honestly, I’d have to to see more From Software presence in general. But alas, no such luck.

Also no Microsoft new IP, which is sad, but I’d bet they’re working on stuff.

I think it isn’t necessarily about the blurred lines of what a small studio can do. I think if we look at No Man’s Sky, we can clearly see that an indie game is still an indie game, and even when scale and presentation are injected into it, the realities of development are going to catch up with it eventually.

I think tools for creators have evolved a lot. I think you can make a game that is simple and presents well and people like us will gravitate to it because hey: it’s not all about big explosions and particle effects. I mean, Anthem looks amazing and has all those things, but there is room for more than that. Video games have always been about having both I think. Back to the SNES and NES, there is just a deep and rich appreciation for visual and mechanical simplicity.

I really loved the indies shown off here. I mean, Ori and the Will of the Wisps is easily one of my most anticipated games right now, and that’s very much a small team making that. But I know what they can do, and I know their style, and the way they present that to the player is seriously next level.

The lines are blurry, because I think there are still plenty of players out there that will outright ignore these kinds of games, but I think the palette of the committed player has expanded a lot, and I think part of that is because of No Man’s Sky, and Telltale games back in the day. Say what you will about the final game of NMS and the modern iterations from Telltale, but they really broadened the horizons of a lot of game players, for the better.

And of course, this is also true for Summer of Arcade games as well.

Honestly, there is just a massive amount of guilt in me from last year, because when I did go to PSX there was a lot of tension that made me unnecessarily uncomfortable while I was there. I felt like I didn’t have a super great time and annoyed some people, and it left a bad experience all told with me at the end of it, one that I didn’t really pay for. It just makes me feel bad. If I can make it to PSX this year, I will. If I can’t, I don’t think it needs to be a deal breaker for other folks to go and enjoy themselves.

Best show? Microsoft I think. They had a ton, and the more and more I think about it, the more I want an Xbox One X.

The best game is Super Mario Odyssey. Only because Fire Emblem Warriors and Metroid Prime 4 didn’t get shown. Anthem is a close second, and Ori is a tight third.

The biggest announcement, for me personally, was Metroid Prime 4 and the Metroid 2 remake coming out THIS YEAR. Both have me stoked. It really feels like Nintendo may care about Metroid again. Close behind is the Shadow of the Colossus remake though. Genuinely floored by that.

Best surprise was Beyond Good and Evil 2. Truly believed that was dead.

My biggest disappointment? Spider-Man seemed way more derivative and way less Insomniac than I wanted. Sony was a lot of retreading old ground, so to have them top it off with that was a disappointment. But I still enjoyed their showing overall, don’t get me wrong.

I love E3. This one definitely does seem a bit melancholy because of where I am at, personally, but also it’s pretty much impossible to top Persona 5 and Breath of the Wild for me. It came pretty close though.

While all is not well, I am hanging in there. And I miss you too Moises. I actually feel really bad for kind of just actually stealing your fidget spinner. To make up for it, how about a video of Greg Miller using it and not liking it?

Probably not, at this rate. I miss my Australian Prince already though.

As I said above, probably not. But I’ll miss your sweet, sweet face, Mayoral-Elect Ben Smith.

The most important thing is probably the One X. It’s a massive step, and I’m curious to see how it performs. I think there is a lot of room for it to flourish, it is the “Most powerful console ever made”. I’m curious to see what the months leading up to its release are like. Like I said before, I really want it, if I’m being honest.

Worst thing was the Just Dance bit in Ubisoft. The best was probably both Michel Ansel and director of Mario + Rabbids Davide Soliani tearing up at the Ubi presser. It’s weird to have them for both, but seeing just the genuine love in the room for the projects they had put their hearts and souls into, that’s what it’s all about. That’s a moment worth remembering, both of them.

I think Bloodborne 2 is still the big one for me, but also a big thing is that Sony seems incapable of putting a date on anything they announce?? I feel like they’re not getting enough criticism for it, really. It’s a weird thing to say, and I hate to be a debbie downer, but both Days Gone and Detroit got absolutely no hint of a date at their conference. Seeing “Early 2018″ on God of War was genuinely shocking to me, but also not because I’m confident there is no way it can make that date.

Just really bothers me, just like it did last year.

Ohh man. That’s a lot to write, and it’s already taken me a really long time to write this here. Because I haven’t had the chance, I am gonna try and do a standalone piece about that. I started it on the flight home, but it got all muddled. It was amazing. I got so many hugs. But also, I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with as many people as I wanted to. I hate to play favorites, but I do at these events. I’m only human. And I’m trying my best.

I’m not doing alright, but I’m hanging in there. I know you worry, and I appreciate it, but I just have to deal with things in my own way sometimes, ya know? It’s hard, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be as open and honest with people as I can.

Haha, I would, but I love it too much. I was hoping this year would be the first year I could actually go to E3, but alas, not this time.

Just means I’ll have to try twice as hard next year. So no cancellations any time soon.

Haha, I do miss Aisha a ton, but I think the way Ubi went about their show this year really fit without her. Not being a hater, but I think that show would have been worse with a strict host this time around. They made the right call.

So... I mean good god this is barely even legible. I, uh...

Yeah, okay GOD OF WAR does look pretty good. The more I see the combat, the more interested I get. 

The one bit that really called out to me was Kratos’ monologue to his son about closing your heart to the suffering of your enemies. I am very curious to see them try and retroactively make Kratos an actual, interesting character. And honestly that one line of dialogue made me start to believe they could. It’s a bit of a “god-out-of-water” story and the more I hear, the more interested I get. I hate to admit it, but here we are.

That snake was fuckin’ scary though.

I’m really stoked to hear about Anthem’s inevitable behind-closed-door demos. I would bet that they’re going to happen.

I want to hear about Code Vein! I hope it’s playable on the floor. Not sure if it is, but I do hope so.

I want to hear what non-Nintendo people think of Metroid Samus Returns.

I read some stuff on Mario Odyssey and it’s getting me REAL pumped.

Fire Emblem Warriors. I want to know: is this going to be my first Dynasty Warriors game?

WHEW. My god. I don’t even have it in me to do a Checklist here, but mostly because I just switched to a new computer and my internet history is just coming back now. So I’ll do an extra-long Checklist this coming Sunday with E3 stuff I liked!

Thank you all so much for your support. I know some of you may still be worried about me, and I assure you I am doing alright. I won’t lie to you and tell you that every day isn’t a struggle, it is. It’s very difficult. But like I said, I am not alone.

And neither are you.

Now do me a favor, and keep it real, until next time. <3