#love realizing things. thinking about stuff. introspection 🙃🙃

[akindplace]

Hi, I wanted to say that i really love your page and the content you post there, it's very comforting. I don't know where to start, but I recently I have been doing some sort of introspection of myself since I have been thinking about my future d I have realised that I seem to care a bit much about other people's feelings and expectations about me, as if I don't have a personality that represents me ?? Sometimes I worried it might cause me some problems. Like for example people see me as someone who is "serious", " a hard-working student", "quiet", "perfect", these traits are negative but it feels like I "trapped" in these labels ? And also I think it might be because I feel frustrated with school/college academically wise so there is that (I like studying but I feel I let grades define my worth, so it's not really healthy. It's something I have been dealing with a lot)

And I also feel frustrated and anxious in general because I actually don't know what to do, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet life, financial stability and being private about personal stuff, which are things that I can't seem to find. I just want to mind my business and keep my internal peace but it's almost impossible 🥲

Everyday feels a burden to me, living is exhausting sometimes, I keep worrying about serious stuff and I think it reflects on my behaviour/ social interactions 🙃

If it’s possible for you right now maybe talking this things through in therapy can help you figure yourself out. By what you’ve mentioned, you’re probably still in your early twenties and you probably still have a lot to learn about yourself, and that will happen as you grow older, but don’t put too much pressure to have it all known now, to have it all together. It’s okay to look for different jobs until you find one career you like, that provides you more stability. I’ve been talking to a few people about stuff like this and I feel like everyone thought they’d be in a different place in there late 20s/early 30s and it kind of feels like everyone is just winging it. I think when we were younger we thought adults had a lot more freedom and they were very mature and wise, and I realize they probably were just winging too.

Your goals are worth it, and it’s okay to want just want a peaceful life especially cause the world seems to be anything but right now… and it’s really hard not to crave stability when you know it’s been hard to achieve. Those things are worth trying and it’s okay if it takes time to figure out what to do. It gets a little better as you grow and you start caring less about people’s expectations because you learn what makes you happy and that most of the time people’s ideas on what should make you happy aren’t necessarily a fact. If no one lives with your choices but you, then you should get to choose (based on your experiences, and it’s okay to try out a ton of different things). You kinda start to realize that people pleasing usually means you sacrifice a lot of yourself and it gets easier to choose yourself.

A few years ago I felt like I had no personality and like I needed to please people or else something terrible would happen, but the only terrible thing happening was that I was miserable. People pleasing is still something I struggle with, but in a lot of ways I figured out who I was outside of the people I knew and their expectations, and I started to figure out where I wanted to go from there.

The tldr here is that you still have time to figure out and to go little by little until you find what makes you comfortable. Don’t pressure yourself too much to have life mapped out, and don’t let those pressures come from other people either, if it’s possible. They don’t get to tell you the best way to be an adult, because no one has it all figured out. I really hope things get better and that you find the stability you want.

[sarcastic-salem]

Hey, guys.

Its Milo and I feel like haven’t been on here in years when really its only been like a month. I don’t know what I’m doing here to be honest. I don’t know if I’ll stay.

I’m unfollowing all of the Heathen and Pagan blogs. I still worship Loki, but I’m not entirely sure I want to be affiliated with that community anymore. Like the Pagan community, in general. Not just because I’m tired of competing with people, but the whole community — including the people who criticize it — are so fucking toxic.

Like I did some digging and it turns out a lot of the mindfulness and enlightenment stuff that people love to shit on are philosophies that were appropriated from East-Asian religions like Buddhism and Taoism. People all over the world still believe in those religions and their teachings. So when you shit on their beliefs because ignorant white people who don’t wanna commit to religion have been spouting bullshit

You’re kinda being a racist piece of shit🙃

And I’m not…….I’m done with it. I’m done with all the negativity and the arguing and pseudo-intellectual bullshit. And like…..I saw this post on FB about how the Norse supposedly believed there is a magical goat in Valhalla that constantly produces beer, and the entire comment section was all white dudebros talking about how awesome that is.

That’s embarrassing, ok?

And what’s even worse is joining a group or talking to other Heathens online and realizing that they’re all white people. That makes me really uncomfortable, especially since I just spent like 4 years of my fucking life getting hate mail and death threats and having my reputation destroyed because I wanted to create a safe space in the Heathen community. And like I don’t even care if you think I’m playing the victim card, alright — I know I fucked up, believe me.

Because certain assholes on this site will never let me forget it.

But like if that doesn’t make you uncomfortable — that the Heathen community is still mostly white even after years of pushing for change — then you might wanna do some introspection.

I don’t know.

I realize I mostly tried to spread awareness about trans and disability issues, and queer history so maybe I have no right saying any of this. But…..I don’t — its not my place to speak for BIPOC communities and their issues either. Like I’m trying to reign in the savior complex — not make it worse, ok?

And just like, jfc, Tumblr users learn to turn off the replies and accept the fucking fact that people are gonna disagree with you and that just because someone likes your post on social media that doesn’t make you the smartest person in the room.

And that’s not a bad thing because no one is the smartest person.

I’m a complete dumbass, I know, but yall seriously cannot just throw a fucking temper tantrum and tell people to fuck off because they comment or reply on your posts. That’s not how real life works and that’s not how social media is intended to work, and yeah, Tumblr is social media.

And don’t just say its because you’re triggered or ND or whatever cause you make the whole fucking ND community look bad when you say that shit. You make it seem like we just wanna use our neurodivergencies as a get-out-of-jail-free card instead of taking responsibility for our actions.

Not only that but ignoring the fact that you’re unable to handle criticism can be hugely detrimental to your social skills.

Ask me how I know🙃

And like sometimes its not even criticism — its just finding out that people don’t love the same things you do that send people flying off the handle. Like what the fuck — are you five?

Is someone suddenly evil because they hate your favorite movie?

[lesbienneanarchiste]

Had a thought so am typing it out but anyway in further adventures of I've Probably Been Autistic The Entire Goddamn Time, I used to think I was really good at picking up on social cues and body language and tone and stuff but bc my rejection sensitive dysphoria has always been really intense, all those cues were telling me everyone hates me all the time

But actually I think the reason my RSD is really bad is actually bc I don't pick up on social cues and can't tell when someone is getting annoyed/bored/frustrated with me and therefore when they snap at me or act rude in a way I recognize, it always seems to come out of the blue. Like I realized that I always feel like I'm on this knife's edge with people bc I never know when they're going to go from "fine" to "negative social consequence" and that's probably bc I am just not picking up on all the warning signs and it's not actually coming out of left field at all on their part I just don't see it.

Which has then lead my idiot brain into not only being hypersensitive to paying attention to body language/tone/etc but then interpreting those signals incorrectly as signs of annoyance and frustration, which leads my RSD to kick in which makes me avoid people and not try to engage with people bc I always feel like I can't tell how they actually feel about me and therefore can't brace myself/ward it off which is exhausting and wouldn't communication be so much easier and less stressful if people were just blunt and direct about their feelings instead of making me read between lines I don't even know are there.

This realization has been brought to you by my remembering how in college this guy in one of my classes probably thought we were friendly but every time he spoke to me 1-on-1 I had a panic attack in my car afterward bc I can't tell the difference between sarcastic mocking and friendly ribbing. Worth noting that the comments that made me wanna kms were things like him joking about how small and neat my handwriting was in my notebook and he's never seen someone write like that except in movies. In retrospect, that was a normal thing to joke about with someone you see 3x a week in a creative writing class but at the time my brain was like, genuinely distressed bc I had no idea how to interpret his comments at all and therefore interpreted them as negetive bc it's better to be safe assuming I'm annoying people than to be sorry bc I kept annoying them without realizing it. Absolutely insane.