#love me anyway scene save me. save me character cathartically screaming at his parents and then storming out the door.

[scattered-winter]

when I finally actually express my anger toward my family that's when they'll be sorry. this shit has been building up for 20 years its gonna be like fucking yellowstone when it finally boils over <- guy who has never once done anything of the kind

[j-whirl44]

A Binding Ache Remains Within

Hey hi what’s up you ever love a key relationship and dynamic between two characters that is actually so intricate and beautiful but the main medium of the franchise they’re in never really takes time to explore it????

Or is it just me?

Anyways I wrote this Poe & Leia fic because I love them both so much and their mother & son bond will always be the death of me. It’s sort of in a “Missing Scene” format in three chunks from TFA, TLJ, and TROS.

This in general was just very cathartic for me to write and it’s a dynamic Ive wanted to write about for a while I just didn’t know how lmao.

Enjoy!!

Title From: I’ll Be Your Skin by Sara Kendall

Read it on Ao3 (x)

1: D’Qar Resistance Base

Poe woke up with a splitting headache for the second day in a row. He squeezed his eyes shut just as quickly as he opened them, the harsh light of fluorescents above mixed with the buzz on machines by his side overstimulated him.

He tried again, this time using his arm that wasn’t bound to wires and needles to shield his face as he slowly opened his eyes. He let out a long breath as he groaned and tried to get up from the stiff and cold medical cot.

He’d been confined to the med bay since he came back to D’Qar two days ago. He lumbered in limping and filthy and about to pass out. People watched him as if they’ve seen a ghost and Poe suspected they might have thought they were. It’d been a week and a half since he was taken by the First Order and since losing Beebee-Ate he had no way to securling send a signal from Jakku letting them know he was alive.

Though he wished he wasn’t.

He tried to talk to Leia immediately, but the General shook her head and sent him to get patched up with a look in her eye that told Poe now was not the time to argue.

A nurse wailed next to him as he tried to get to his feet. He looked at her with a tinge of annoyance.

“I need to talk to the General. I’ve been tied up here for two days now. I’m fine,” he said trying his hardest to drown out the pounding between his eyes. He could tell the nurse saw right through him, but nevertheless most people on this ship are aware how Poe can be when he sets his mind to something. She walked up to him carefully removed the various mechanisms in him.

Poe nodded his thanks and turned to rush out of the small room before the nurse wailed at him again. She handed him some sort of pill and a cup of water. Poe looked hesitant at it. The nurse pointed at his head. Poe blushed and took it, instantly he felt some of the weight in his head decompress. He looked back at her with a grateful look as he went to go find Leia.

“Poe? What are you doing here,” Leia asked as he stepped into the briefing room where she and a few other officers were going over their daily checklist.

“Doc gave me the all clear, did my droid come back? What’s happening,” he asked. The room was still and silent, save a few beeps from monitors. Poe didn’t like it.

“I’m afraid there’s been no sign of Beebee-Ate since he was sent off with you to Jakku. We have reason to believe the First Order has him-”

“No,” Poe interrupted, other officers around him went stiff at the intensity he just cut of the General, but Leia didn’t flinch, “No he escaped when…” Poe trailed off. His head pulsed as he tried to remember everything that happened since being captured and tortured. His eyes widened, “Beebee-Ate! I-I told the First Order he had the map to Luke. They know.”

He said the last two words more to himself than the room. His hands clumped into fists. His shoulders drop. Gasps are heard around the room as he feels their eyes burn onto him. Leia cleared her throat, which snapped everyone’s attention back to her.

“Give us the room please,” she said. The room made its way out the door. The two of them stood across from each other in silence.

Poe’s mouth was dry, he couldn’t look in Leia’s direction. “Sit, Commander,” she said as she walked and took a seat at one of the tables near the window. He didn’t move, his body bristled with fear and shame. “Poe,” Leia whispered. The sound of his name snapped him back to the present just enough to take her invitation. He sat stiff and focused on his hands.

“What happened. We heard about the attack on this village…”

‘The village,’ Poe thought. They attacked so fast and so strong against unsuspecting people. He sees flashes of it now, the screams, the sounds of blasters, the heat of his exploded x-wing on his back as he watched Kylo Ren kill Lor San Tekka.

Then he remembers being on the ship. How dark and cold it was. Being strapped into the chair, IT-O droid next to his face; Kylo Ren himself in front of him. Remembers him invading Poe’s mind. Breaking through whatever defenses Poe tried to put up to keep him from seeing where the map was. More importantly who had it.

But he got it anyway, after what felt like hours of agony Poe gave in showing the scene right there for Kylo. Leaving his droid out in the open.

He failed the mission. He failed the Resistance. He failed…

“Poe,” Leia said again, which again brought the pilot out of his own head. She looked at him with the same kind eyes she always did. She reached out and grabbed his forearm and squeezed it. Poe felt himself relax a bit. “It’s not your fault,” Leia said. He bit back a sarcastic laugh; his face twisted around as it tried to stay neutral. Leia furrowed her brow, “There was no way you could’ve known about the First Orders ambush because we didn’t even know about it.”

“I should’ve saw the signs,” he counted. Leia scoffed.

“What signs, Commander? There were no signs. We both were after the same thing. We thought we got to it first. We clearly didn’t-”

“Maybe they were tracking my X-Wing somehow. Has anyone ran diagnostics yet? Maybe I-” Poe stopped when Leia smacked him behind the head. He yelped as he ran a hand to rub the spot.

“In case you forgot in that thick skull of yours, Commander Dameron, you’re part of a crew. A whole resistance. It’s not just you that makes mistakes. This wasn’t your fault,” she said.

There she went again, those eyes now stared at him with a mixture of anger along with the kindness. Like any mother would look at her son when they were being difficult.

Poe sunk in his chair. She was right; it wasn’t his fault. In the beginning maybe, but everything that came after…

“But now I really have led them straight to it, General, Kylo Ren-he…” he didn’t know how to continue. He knew how much it hurt Leia to talk about he son. Her real one.

“What happened. Please, tell me,” she urged.

Poe cleared his throat, “He...forced his way into my mind. He saw my memories,” his fists on the table clenched tighter, “old and new.”

Leia looked away, face as stoic as ever, but Poe could see through the cracks.

“General I’m sorry. He was too powerful. I was too weak, he saw me store the part of the map on to Beebee-Ate. He knows,” he hesitated, “he knows where it is.”

Silence again fell between them as they both looked down at the floor.

Poe felt defeated. He felt like shit; lower than shit even. He remembered what he was thinking while he was still tied up after the interrogation, he thought all there was left to do was die. He failed the mission and he failed hard. He was ready and willing to accept whatever fate the gods had in store for him.

His eyes started to sting as he blinked back tears. He jumped when Leia’s hand grabbed his own.

“Poe, that still isn’t your fault. You were being tortured,” Leia said, the last word thick in the air, “you didn’t have a choice in the matter. What’s important now is you’re back here and you can help us fight like you always have.”

Poe was always so in awe of her. He’s known this woman almost all his life. Known what she’s gone through, whether it be first hand experience or through the little stories he was told by his father. He’s seen her still be so vulnerable yet strong all these years. It inspired Poe to just be a better person.

“I failed everyone, I failed you, General,” he said ashamed.

“You haven’t failed yet. Luke still hasn’t been found by anyone yet. We can still do this,” she said as she squeezed his hand, “together.”

Poe closed his eyes. A few tears finally fell as he nodded.

He thought of his parents and what they say to him right now.

And then he thought it’d probably be everything the General just did.

2: Resistance Escape Pod; Above Crait

“A mutiny, Poe? Really?” she said as she looked down at the unconscious pilot in front of her. He looked peaceful and it was one of the times he wasn’t actively being a pain in the ass. She smiled a little as she remembered the dumbstruck look on his face right before she stunned him, “You got your love of flying from your mother but your impulse from your father,” she said with a slight chuckle.

It had only been a few hours since Leia had woken up after being spaced. She heard quick news about what Poe was doing and all she could do after hearing about it was roll her eyes and head towards the bridge to do all but drag that man out by the ear.

Leia knew there was not a lot of men out there like Poe. His heart was big, although sometimes his ego was bigger. He would sacrifice himself before letting anyone fall in his place even though losing him would be a major blow to the Resistance. Not only for morale, but there isn’t anyone that can fly a ship like him; except maybe his mother.

Leia remembered when she died. Hearing word from Han who heard from Kes. Her heart ached; knowing they had a young son. She arranged a trip to Yavin 4 where Poe and Ben zoomed around the backyard together, blissfully unaware of the heaviness in the visit.

----

The adults sat under the little piece of the Great Tree planted there six years prior. They laughed as they recounted stories of the war. The sticky situations Han and Kes would get into when left unsupervised. They also mused about Shara and her pilot skills.

“I just hope he’s more like her than me,” Kes said. The three watched as Poe and Ben played in the cockpit of Shara’s old RZ-I. Leia smiled as Poe explained the inner workers of the A-Wing as Ben watched with wide eyes.

“Looks like he’s on his way to that already,” Luke said, “Shara was the best of them, Poe will be too. It’s in his blood.”

Kes smiled as he raised his cup of ale towards the sky, “I just hope he won’t have to fight like we did. Sacrifice as much as we did,” he said solemnly.

Leia looked again at the two boys, “yeah, me either,” she said.

Back in the present, Leia’s teeth chewed at the inside of her cheek at the memory. They were all still so hopeful back then; wary but hopeful. They wanted to believe darkness was defeated on Endor. 

----

But it wasn’t. The two boys that played in the cockpit of that fighter ship were now on opposite ends of an ever growing battle that got more dire by the day.

That was the last time Leia or Han ever saw Kes and Poe, but she always kept tabs on them. It wasn’t very hard, Poe’s reputation and familial lineage preceded him at any military level. All Leia had to do was pull up his reports. When the time came and the First Order was too big to be ignored as a legitimate threat she knew she had to ask Poe to help lead the Resistance. He had the same spark as his mother. 

“Passion is something we desperately need these days,” she had told him. And Poe being Poe he didn’t hesitate when asked.

He had grown so much into his father’s look, Leia almost thought it was him sometimes when she saw him out of the corner of her eye.

She reached down and touched his cheek with the same hand that had slapped him days before after that stupid dreadnaught mission that got him demoted and good fighters killed. She was angry with him but a part of her heart also ached for him. She saw the look in his eyes, how elated he was they sank the ship but how conflicted he was in himself for doing it in a way that cost so many lives.

And much like everything these last few weeks there wasn’t any time to dwell on it. Everything moved so fast and if you tried to get bearings on anything you’d be too consumed by grief and war and you’d crumble.

“The life of a soldier,” she thought. It was cruel. It was unfair. Leia wanted nothing more than to clear Poe of his conflicted feelings. Like any mother would do when she saw a son struggling.

But in this moment she was still his superior and she had a whole Resistance to rebuild. She leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“This is for your own good, idiot.”

3: Ajan Kloss

Her face was covered and Poe was at least a little thankful for that. If he couldn’t see the General’s lifeless face maybe he could believe she wasn’t really dead. She wasn’t really gone.

He started at the sheet in front of him, he willed it to move. He wanted a sign this wasn’t really happening. Begged for it.

Nothing. Utter stillness.

Poe clasped his hands together and rested his forehead as he let out a bitter laugh.

Of course, death happened around him all the time. He even caused some of it. He’s had plenty of ghosts that followed him around. That came to him at night as he tried to sleep, but none dare compared to the pain in his heart right now.

Leia trusted him in all things, even when he didn’t deserve it. The two of them worked side by side to build the fight against the First Order. The late nights, the early mornings. The near misses and the celebrations. It was all done at each other’s side.

Poe thought back to when his mother died. His dad was stone faced through all the formal military funeral proceedings, but the night after the service Poe walked by his dad’s office and heard him crying, it made Poe’s heart break. He wished he remembered more of his mother outside the war stories and medals.

He made a note in his mind to make sure Leia’s story wasn’t so serious. She’d be remembered as a great war hero of course, but also as a headstrong woman who in any situation was never afraid to speak her mind and knock people down when they needed it. Poe smiled; he needed it a lot it seemed.

His throat tightened as he now remembers his new acting position.

“General. You named me general,” he said. General Poe Dameron. He was excited at the new title, he just wished it was under much better circumstances.

He reached out involuntarily reached out and before he could register what he was doing he was holding her hand. It was cold and weak and Poe didn’t like the feeling. The reminder. He gave it a tight squeeze before letting go. He gently placed her arm back by her side and covered her again. “I won’t let you down, Leia,” he said.

But what was he to do now? He failed to get the support her needed. They barely made it out of Kijimi and Kef Bir alive and now this blow to their already dwindled forces. It was hard to find hope in any of this.

“But hope is what you were all about huh,” he said, “was.”

He wondered truly how long anyone in this war would have survived if it wasn’t for Leia and her abundance of hope. After all she’d been through, she still believed there was good in even the most wicked of people. Her dying moments, Poe understood, made that note abundantly clear.

There’s so much Poe still wanted to learn from her, but now that was all gone. He just felt lost and undeserving of the tasks that now fall onto him. He needed his friends. He needed a sign.

He really needed Leia.

Lando came in soon after and tried to squash Poe’s worries, but honestly nothing stuck to his brain. He felt himself shutting down, the grief, he thought, may finally get to him.

He closed his eyes, still sat by her side. He needed a minute before he swallowed his sadness down and stood up.

He stood up, suddenly as determined as ever. He wasn’t going to let Leia die in vain. He walked up to her covered body and placed a kiss on her forehead.

Shoulders tight and fists clenched, he walked out towards the fight.