#love maturelove soulmate checkingin faithnotfear

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The Marriage Toolkit Unit 3: Becoming

Application Activity: Have a heart-to-heart about a fear you have with someone you trust

I had a deep conversation with my mom about my fears regarding school. I am a freshman and enrolled in school under the pressure of keeping a high enough GPA to maintain my scholarship. I am pursuing a chemical engineering degree, and hope to do it in my career. I really enjoy my chemical engineering classes. However, I fear that the tough engineering classes will cause me to lose my scholarship. I also fear that I’m not good enough to do engineering. Initially, the fear was just that I wasn’t smart enough. Now, I have realized that it’s not just a matter of being smart enough, but also of having the drive, organization, and motivation to do well in school. That’s my most vulnerable fear related to my future right now- that I don’t have the work ethic that I’ll need to grind through my classes. I discussed this with my mom and received the advice to not back down on my dreams because of concerns that I can’t maintain my scholarship. I realized that a 3.6 isn’t that difficult to maintain, given the grade inflation at BYU, if I work hard, but that I would simply have to work more hours during the school year to cover the costs of my tuition if I lost my scholarship. And I also realized that the capacity to work hard is definitely a talent, but it’s one I can work on developing. My mom helped me recognize my own potential, constraints, and needs.

Class notes:

2 ways to work through fear: spiritual and physiological:

Spiritual: reflect on times you felt like God was working a miracle in your life

Physiological: Deep breathing, lavender oil, cold drink

60% of emerging adults have a diagnosable disorder

Most common disorders: alcohol dependence, anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar, eating disorder, etc.

All humans are terrified of being abandoned

Your ability to explore independently comes from secure knowledge that you have someone to count on

Don’t enter a relationship that doesn’t feel good, but recognize when you’re being controlled by your fear

How to end a relationship: don’t ghost but have a conversation with them and don’t lead them on

Your marriage quality can be predicted by how much you agree with this statement: “I want my marriage to be like my parents’ marriage”

Your family of origin will always have negative aspects that you will want to change

If you get a flat tire during your journey, you’re not back to square 1

Mature love is a triangle of heart, head, and hands

Personal concerns:

I’m concerned about recognizing when I allow my fear to become so dominant that I don’t act with faith. In class, Tammy talked about how it’s important to be willing to take a few steps into the darkness with the expectation that God won’t let you go too far down the wrong path. I think this is beautiful. I also recognize that sometimes, it might feel like God let us go too far in the wrong direction before we are prompted to change something. However, these experiences often teach us much more than we would have learned from making the right decisions all along.

I was also concerned about figuring out how to stay connected to my spouse in a marriage relationship when other temporal concerns and distractions come up, such as financial stress and busy jobs. Tammy taught the “Art of Checking In” to combat this. With this principle, you connect with your spouse and inquire about their well-being in the physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual components of their lives. This seems like a great tool to maintain emotional closeness with your partner.

Other resources:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/faith-is-not-by-chance-but-by-choice?lang=eng

This talk discusses the importance of making ourselves accountable for our gospel growth. It says, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. Faith does not fall upon us by chance or stay with us by birthright.” This is comforting because it means that faith is a tool I can use and develop.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-essential-oils-became-the-cure-for-our-age-of-anxiety

This article provides a non-Mormon window into the prevalent culture of essential oils, doTerra specifically, that has been so successful in Utah. The author, an East Coaster, explores the various myths and truths surrounding the products. Many people will testify their uses to combat anxiety and a variety of physical issues. Monroe provides a skeptical viewpoint, but still may be a helpful resource for people who are trying to find out whether or not they should try using essential oils to help with their anxiety.