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becausemyheartfeelssoheavy · 3 days

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9.17.24

I grab my tea as I make my way to the back door. Zoë shuts it behind me, alarms the house, and locks the door. I notice the rain as we make our way to the car and cover my glasses to prevent raindrops from accumulating on them. Zoë unlocks the passenger door and quickly plops herself in the seat.

"Woah! What are you doing???" I ask as she holds out the keys for me.

"Come on, I drove us to Louisville last time!" Zoë intentionally whines.

"Yeah, you drove us there because I didn't want to go!" I sigh, reluctantly grab the keys, and make my way over to the driver's seat. I start the car, pull out of the driveway, and make my way to the bypass, following it to I-75 north.

I'm thinking about COPE and how crazy it is that it has been 10 years since the record was released. So much has happened in these 10 years, and my life is not at all what I thought it would be. Most of it is good, but I wish other things had played out differently. When I was nineteen, I had hardly any tools in my toolbox for building a successful future. I had no idea what I was doing. I still don’t really know what I’m doing. As I merge onto I-75, I'm reminded of what I always think of when driving on this road.

"I can't believe you're making me drive to Cincinnati to see Manchester Orchestra for the 10th Anniversary of COPE."

Zoë analyzes me, trying to figure out what I could be referring to.

"Just so fuckin' rude," I joke, trying to lighten my mood.

"Ohhhhh," Zoë says as the connection is made. "I didn't even think about that."

"Of course you didn't. Why would you?" My thoughts are not created out of judgment toward her or disappointment. It's just a fact. Why would she think about a traumatic experience of mine that she hardly knows anything about, really? We weren't together, just friends. She didn't know about any of my dating history at the time and I hardly ever talk about it now.

November 23rd, 2013

"What do you mean Zoë and Adam are going to the show?" Sams asks me as her face begins to harden. I can't bring myself to look at her, so I just stare at the road.

"I told you that Andy put us on the guest list for the Newport show after we met him after the North Carolina show. What was I supposed to tell them? No, you can't accept Andy's offer to see the show for free because Sams is going to that show? Also, there was no way for me to be able to go without being put on the guest list! Newport was sold out!"

"What the fuck were you thinking?! What are we supposed to do now?! What's the story here? That we just planned to come together? We were supposed to go to this together without worrying about running into other people!" Her voice is growing angrier after every sentence until she's screaming at me.

I stop understanding words, and my whole body is on fire. I feel myself beginning to shake, so much so that all I can do to stop shaking is grip the steering wheel with everything I have.

"I just can't fucking believe you don't understand the gravity of this situation!"

"Well, it was getting there via the guest list or not going at all." I say quietly.

"Well, I'm happy for you, Niamh. I'm happy you're gonna get to go to this show with your fucking friends to see my favorite fucking band that I've been following since fucking high school at my favorite fucking venue without me!"

"Without you?" I ask, stunned and confused.

She picks up her phone and starts texting.

"You've made it abundantly clear that you cannot think through things like an adult. If you want me to be there, you better stop acting like a fucking kid and grow up!"

After another 20 minutes of what feels like an eternal silence, she breaks it.

"Turn off at this exit." She demands coldly.

"Why?" I asked as I begin to worry. I have no idea where she is taking me.

"Just fucking do it, Niamh!" She screams.

I pull off and follow her directions until we arrive at an apartment complex.

"I'm gonna crash here with a friend of mine. Come get me immediately after the show ends. Have a good fucking time." She says with pure disgust as she exits the car and slams the door.

I sit in the parking lot and watch her walk into the apartment. I drive the last 20-minute stretch in complete silence and shock.

"Do you want me to drive?" Zoë asks.

"Oh, no," I say, shaking my head. "I'm okay. I always think about that initial drive to see Manchester when I'm on this road, and it is bizarre that I'm driving it to see Manchester….on their COPE tour…again."

"Yeah, I get that," she says empathetically.

Once in the venue, we found a good spot to stand and wait for Sean, Bailey, and Tyler. I am very unimpressed by the opening band.

"Hello Cincinnati!" the lead singer screams into his mic. "We're Militarie Gun, and we are so excited to be with you tonight and on tour with Manchester Orchestra! Let's actually give it up for Manchester Orchestra!!!!"

The crowd erupts in applause and cheering.

"I gotta say, those dudes are the best guys on the planet,” The lead singer continues. “Andy was so kind as to respond to a message my band sent him, and we ended up singing a song together. After that, we flew from LA to Atlanta to hang out with the band and get to know each other. The rest is history. I'm so honored to know them, and this next song is the song Andy so kindly sang on for us! It's called My Friends Are Having A Hard Time!"

Zoë and I immediately lock eyes in utter disbelief.

"Yo, if they can do a song with Andy, we can," I say adamantly.

"That was my thought exactly," Zoë says.

"We need to reach out to him ASAP."

"Agreed!" she says.

Once the openers close, I desperately explain to Bailey and Tyler that Manchester is lightyears better than what we just saw, and Sean chimes in. "Yeah, Manchester is one of the few bands that somehow sounds so much better live than they do on their albums, and their albums are phenomenal. You're about to see the quality of the music go from here to here."

"One thing I love about Manchester is that they'll write this heavy rock album and name it COPE, and then, the next year, they will release acoustic versions of the songs that will rip your heart out and name it HOPE. The fact that Andy's music can translate like that from one genre to the next is amazing." Zoë says.

Sean and I begin reminiscing about various openers we've seen open for Manchester that were a way better fit than Militarie Gun. From Julien Baker to Michigander, Militarie Gun was the worst.

"Though, I will say that the best lineup I've seen Manchester in was when we went to New York to see them open for MCR and Blink."

"You're welcome!" I poke. There are few bands that Sean has adopted from me. Manchester is the one that actually stuck.

The lights dim, and the crowd begins to erupt once more as Andy Hull takes the stage with Robert, Andy 2.0, and Tim. Andy picks up his red telecaster and begins to play COPE from beginning to end, with a few surprises along the way.

Phone dials…

"Hello?!" Zoë asks on the other end.

"Hey, where are you guys? I can't get in without you all, and it's freezing out here." I say through my chattering teeth.

"We're still about 30 minutes out."

I throw my head back in disappointment.

"Okay, well, I'm in line for us."

Adam's car had been in and out of the shop, so Josh had to bring them to Newport. Earlier in the day, Zoë had asked me to come and pick them up to bring them to the show. I told them I wouldn't have enough time to pick them up between work and the show, which was not a good enough reason because I absolutely did. Zoë eventually told me that her Dad would take them up but might not make it on time because they had to wait for him to leave work. My stomach is twisted in knots as I think about the series of events that have taken place that have ultimately left me waiting outside in the negative temperatures alone. My loyalty to my best friends and partner is at odds, and I cannot explain why. There's no way for me to explain to anyone. No one knows about me. Even if they did, no one can know about us.

Half an hour later, Zoë, Adam, and Josh join me outside.

"Hey man," Adam approaches the doorman. "We should be on the guest list to attend the show tonight."

"Name?" the doorman asks.

"Adam Burge."

"Do you have an ID?"

Adam pulls his wallet out to prove that it is who he says he is.

"So, it's you and who else?" the doorman says while looking over Adam’s shoulder.

"Zoë and Niamh." He says, pointing to us.

"Okay, here are your wristbands." He says and puts them on us one by one while simultaneously putting x's on our hands.

"I'm not here for the show, but if you guys have a bathroom I could use really quick, I would appreciate that. I'm her Dad." Josh chimes in from behind us while gesturing toward Zoë.

"Yeah, man." The doorman says and lets us all in. "The bathroom is just down that hall and to the right."

"Thanks," Josh says and follows us inside.

Josh heads to the bathroom as Zoë, Adam, and I head into the sanctuary toward the stage.

"This is so crazy that we're getting to see them again!" Zoë says while looking around the room.

"Yeah, and this venue is sweet!" Adam says.

I am hardly present now as her words keep ringing in my ears.

I'm happy you're gonna get to go to this show with your fucking friends to see my favorite fucking band that I've been following since fucking high school at my favorite fucking venue without me!"

I can feel my anxiety trying to claw its way through my chest as I look around at The South Gate House. This venue used to be a church and has beautiful stained glass windows lining the walls, with the organ pipes still in the wall behind the stage.

"This place is cool," Josh says as if he just teleported behind us.

"Yeah. It is." I say to him.

"How did you get in here?" Zoë asks.

"I just walked in after I went to the bathroom. I probably don't need to stay, though. I should probably head back home."

My heart sinks into my stomach.

"Head back home?" I ask, trying not to panic.

"Yeah, I don't have a ticket, so I don't need to hang out. You can bring them home, right?" Josh asks, looking at Zoë and Adam.

"I mean, you're in here now! You like Manchester, right?" I ask him.

"Yeah, I do." Josh says, debating whether he should break the rules and stay.

"You should stay, Josh!" Adam says, attempting to hype Josh up.

"Yeah, if you're already here, you should stay, Dad. You'll love this." Zoë says, smiling at Josh.

"Well, I guess I can stay to see how it is and go from there." Josh nods.

I take a deep breath of relief. Sams would end me if I had to bring them home. She would be stranded at her friend's place.

We endure The Front Bottoms' opening act as I try my best to maintain my composure and avoid having a panic attack at the thought of Josh leaving at any point during the show. Once they exit the stage, we wait for Manchester. Zoë and Adam are beaming and look like they could combust due to their excitement. On the other hand, I can barely breathe, let alone crack so much as a small smile.

I can't live like this.

The show was incredible, as always. I'm not sure there has been a Manchester Orchestra show I've intentionally skipped out on. Andy is an entirely different level of raw talent. Everything he touches turns to gold. He is so genuine, honest, vulnerable… and so talented. I sometimes wish I could say that his fingerprints haven't been left on the music I've written, but I can always find traces of him in the layers of the music I write. He was the main musical inspiration of Me & You. It was a happy accident, I guess.

The crowd was so attentive that Andy stopped the show several times to thank the crowd for being the best crowd on the tour. I am always so star-struck that I hardly pay attention to anything else around me when Andy is on the stage. I would never dare to break the magical atmosphere that Andy creates. The idea of rowdiness or fighting during a Manchester show seems incomprehensible. It's just magic.

Once Manchester finished playing through COPE in its entirety, they exit the stage. I can't help but think about everything over the last 10 years that has placed me here in this moment. More painfully, where I was 10 years ago.

The lights dim, and the crowd cheers as Andy takes the stage. One of my all-time musical idols stands before me again, and I feel nothing. Nothing feels like it will be okay. He picks up his iconic red telecaster and instantaneously opens with Shake It Out. The crowd erupts into song with Andy as he begins to sing, and I can't bring myself to utter a sound for fear that if I allowed myself to feel anything, I would lose it.

Shake it out, shake it out

God, I need another and another and another and another

I could feel it now

I felt the Lord in my father's house

And I can see, I can see

Standing, we were seventeen, make it clean

Are you the living ghost of what I need?

Are you getting the best of me?

We will see

I wince as Andy sings, "Are you tired of being alone?"

'Cause I'm done being done with a funeral

At least for now

Are you tired of being alone?

Shake it out, shake it out

Tired of another and another wasn't really what I wanted

So we bled it out

Over the floor of my neighbor's house

And I could see, I could see

God, I've never seen a thing so complete

I am the living ghost of what you need

I am everything eternally

God, just speak

If only God would speak to me, but I guess that's my fault too. He doesn't speak to people like me.

'Cause I'm done being done with a funeral

At least for now

Are you tired of being alone?

So speak to me

Oh God, you got to shake it out, shake it out

You got to take it out, take it down

I've got to come around

I need it now more than I ever have

There is a small musical interlude here where the music drops out until it's just one guitar before Andy sings the bridge:

Oh God, you've got to shake it out, shake it out

You've got to break it down, break it out

You've got to come around

I feel it now more than I ever have

I could feel myself shatter at this moment. Suddenly, it is as though I'm hearing this song for the very first time. Or maybe it's never been made more apparent to me than at this moment just how broken I am. Something in me that was hanging on by a thread has just come crashing down.

I felt the Lord begin

To peel off all my skin

And I felt the weight within

Reveal a bigger mess

That you can't fix

I swear, I swear I'll go

Lead me into my home

Don't stop, don't ever go

I swear you'll never know

You'll never know

As the song builds back up, whatever hole was created in me starts filling with something else, something that's been slowly numbed over the last two years. Rage. And as that rage takes hold of my heart, I scream the last lines of the song:

What have I done? I can't fix this. Not on my own.

I'm trapped and don't know where to go for help.

There's no one I can go to for help.

I don't exit my rage as the show continues to throw themes of situational disasters, religious trauma, and loneliness in my face.

Oh god, you got to shake it out, shake it out

You've got to break it down, break it out

Wolves at Night:

I've got to crucify myself if I am gonna believe you

I've got to promise that I'll finish all the things I said

I'd do, to begin with too

I've got to make my bed if I am gonna lay with you

'Cause a disaster's a disaster

No matter what Christian language you drag it through

'Cause I confide in wolves at night

Well, have you seen my baby girl?

She's lonely, so lonely

Pensacola:

It took me all this time to get where I said I would never be

And I hope it's not even out there

I hope eventually you'll see what you've been turning me into

It's all for you

It feels like 37 years and I am nothing but a bank

If we could build our credit score, "Incredible," they'll surely say

But I can credit only one to focus all the fame

It has the first and last, even the middle of my very name

I am the greatest man that never lived and now I never sleep

I never lost a fight but never knew I started one the same

I never knew how capable I would become

I'm tired of talking to a wall when I could talk to someone else

It's got seven days without a word

And you're with someone somewhere else

Pale Black Eye about splits me in two:

Goddamn I'm tired of lying

I wish I loved you like I used to

So hold on, you pale black eye

No 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone

My throat begins to close as Andy begins to play 100 Dollars. I am familiar with the story of why Andy wrote the song. One time, his Dad gave him a 100-dollar bill, and from the time he got from the kitchen to his car, he had lost the bill. He said that it was the first time his wife had ever seen him lose his shit, and it wasn't even really about the 100-dollar bill. It was about something else entirely, and the 100-dollar bill was the last straw. It feels like tonight is my final straw in a lot of ways.

So whatever you want

No, whatever you need

Take from me

Right from me

From me

I've Got Friends:

I can't play where I'm not supposed to anyway

Dirty on the ground is what I see

I need another reason why

I need another reason, tell me to breathe

The dirtier the sound, the best I breathe

I tried to do it all for you

It didn't do anything for me

'Cause I've got friends in all the right places

I know what they want

And I know they don't want me to stay

I've got friends in all the right places

I know what they want

And I know they don't want me to stay

Colly Strings is my favorite Manchester Orchestra Song. It always gets me, but it definitely hit harder this time around. One single line in that song has always shot me back to a different time in my life before any of this ever happened: Don't stop calling; you're the reason I love losing sleep.

Virgin:

No, it's never gonna be the same

Never gonna be the same

Cope:

There is a cost, my friends

Of living out some other dream to find the consequence

It comes and goes in seasons around here, I thought again

There's nothing left around to yield this sorry ignorance

There is a brief moment before Andy starts to play the intro to Everything to Nothing. I begin to sing along with him as he jumps into the song:

If I do echo I hope you never see

There is no one there that's waiting after me

And I hope if there is one thing I let go it is the way that we cope

Definitely not the things that I'm seeing

Did I think I'd see so instantly

I found a note on my grandfather's coat

When I read it out loud I got cold

As the song enters another music interlude, I think about when I hung out with Cloe Golding, and we were listening to Manchester Orchestra. She was the only other kid I knew who liked Manchester Orchestra, all because of the Sims. Apparently, the game has a Sims version of I've Got Friends on the Indy radio. This was only a few months ago, toward the end of senior year, and I was driving us to Kohl's. While we were on our way there, Everything to Nothing started playing.

'Cause he said: I'm not complaining

I was just saying I'm a man, I'm a lost one you see?

Come down with me to a place We'll get clean

And we'll meet with them eventually

You mean everything

"What do you think he means?" she asks me.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Meaning everything to nothing?" Cloe says while pointing to my CD player.

"I'm not actually sure," I say while listening harder to the lyrics.

I'm instantly brought back into the moment as Andy begins to sing again:

I don't know much, but a crutch is a crutch

If it's holding you from moving on

I don't know what to do

Not anymore

I don't know what to do

Not anymore

And you

Well you mean everything

Of course, the band immediately goes into The River. This song also hits harder since I've been at odds with my faith and sexuality. It is during this song that as I sing the bridge, I think of Sams and mean what I'm singing:

You mean everything to nothing

You mean everything to nobody but me

I'm gonna leave you the first chance I get

After The River ends, Andy goes into his small cover of The Party's Over by Willie Nelson as the lights slowly dim:

Once the lights have completely faded, Andy and the band leave the stage as the crowd cheers. After thirty seconds or so, the crowd starts cheering,

"Turn out the lights, the party's over

they say that all good things must end

so turn out the lights, the party's over

and tomorrow we'll start the same old shit again."

"One more song! One more song! One more song!"

Eventually, the band returns to the stage, and Andy starts to play the intro to Simple Math. This puts knots back into my stomach as Simple Math was a song we dissected in Sams' class last year. It wasn't the first song I had heard of theirs. She had sent me another that the summer before.

After Simple Math, Andy starts to play the intro riff of I Can Feel a Hot One. It is heartbreakingly beautiful and always has the audience in tears. This is Andy's song about not feeling like he is enough to be a good musician. The faces always stay the same, but he lies to himself every night and says he's fine, but he is battling his own performance anxiety that would give him nightmares.

Once that song ends, The band begins to play Where Have You Been…which is Sams' favorite song from Manchester. That was the first song she sent me. Another song about being angry at God.

When the show is over, Zoë, Adam, and I leave the venue and wait by the tour bus.

"He's not going to come out, guys." The security guard says to us.

"That's fine," I begin to say through my chattering teeth as it is somehow even colder now than before the show. "We'll wait just in case. We just want to thank him."

The lights come back on as Andy and the band retake the stage for their encore set. They open with The Maze, a song about Andy's little girl, Mazie. It is an excellent intro to their incredible record, A Black Mile To The Surface. They continue into The Gold, which is such a solid crowd song. I remember when Pheobe Bridgers released her cover of The Gold way back in the day before she super blew up. It is so fantastic, as all of her covers usually are. After The Gold, they begin to play their top single from The Million Masks of God, Bed Head, another really fun crowd song and my favorite from that particular record.

"We have one more for you all tonight,” Andy says. “Thank you again for having us and for being so kind to us. Seriously, we live in the carpool lane every day and forget that people still like our music, so thank you all for reminding us of that. You’ve been so good to us tonight."

And I can hardly believe it when Andy begins to play Shake it Out.

I shouldn't be surprised, really, but of all the songs to end on.

I take off my glasses as my eyes instantaneously begin to fill with tears in this full circle moment that is happening. I'm grateful now that my group of people is standing behind me as I am taking this final song in for all that it is and has meant to me over the years. I think about Sams sending me Where Have You Been all those years ago with a text that said,

"Someday, their music will become revelatory for you."

I can't believe it's been over ten years since that revelation came to pass. I hate that she was right but I’m also grateful because their music and the Newport show combined were the revelation that something was wrong. I was not okay or safe in that relationship. Their music helped me get out of that and understand the gravity of all of it.

Once the show is finally over, I try to snag one of Andy's guitar picks. Sean was fortunate to catch one for me and for himself.

"Walk with us, and I'll drive you to your car." He says to me as we make our exit.

We start walking and processing the show once we're out of the building. We make our way through the streets and over to Sean's car. We hop in, and he pulls out of the parking lot and begins driving on the opposite side of the venue. Zoë and I notice a small group of people by a gate who are chatting with Robert, the second guitarist in Manchester Orchestra, AKA Andy's best friend.

"That's Robert!" I say out loud, and Sean stops his car in the middle of the road. "Let me out!"

"Will you all be okay?" Sean asks.

"I hope so!" I say. "Drive safe! Thanks for getting us this far. Good to see you all!"

"Yeah, you all be safe!" Sean yells back at us as Zoë and I jump out of the car.

"Do you have any of our stuff in your wallet?" I ask Zoë as we jump onto the sidewalk.

"I'm not sure, but I'll have a look." She says as she pulls her wallet out.

By the time we reached the group, Robert had already walked away. This disappoints me, as I love talking with Robert. He is so sweet and also so insanely talented. There is a noticeable difference between Manchester's first record and the second due to the addition of Robert in the band. He adds so much to Manchester's sound.

"Well, there are still people here, so Andy probably hasn't come out yet." I say in an attempt to not only ease Zoë’s anxiety, but mostly mine.

"I don't think I have anything in my wallet. And, of course, this is the time I decide to leave my kavu at home."

"It's okay. Just getting to talk to him is what matters." I say.

We wait patiently through Andy 2.0 until Andy Hull exits the tour bus and approaches us. I can't help but laugh to myself at the sight of Andy in a t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. He has just transformed into "The Dad."

I've met Andy several times and asked him for advice, but my heart is pounding at the thought of meeting him now with an actual musical platform to refer him to. Slowly, one by one, everyone in the small group meets with Andy for signatures and/or a picture with him. He is so gracious with everyone and seems much lighter and happier than any other time I've met him. After what feels like an eternity, it's just us left.

"Hey! Nice to meet you. I'm Andy!" he says while extending his hand to me.

"Niamh," I say, trying to mask the shakiness in my voice and shake his hand.

"Niamh, okay, very cool!" He nods and looks to Zoë with his hand extended to her.

"Zoë…and it is nice to meet you again!" she laughs.

"We've met previously?" Andy asks.

"Yeah, we've seen you guys every year for like 11 years now or something," Zoë says

"Okay, amazing!" Andy responds.

"Okay, maybe not 11 years in a row." I clarify to dispel any worries about us being weird stalkers.

"But close?" Andy laughs.

"Yeah, the pandemic was in there somewhere." Zoë jokes.

"Ah, yes, I do remember that for sure." Andy laughs with us.

"Yeah, but we're musicians too-

"Sweet!" Andy interjects.

-and you gave us some advice years ago." Zoë finishes.

"Was it good advice?" Andy asks nervously.

"It was good advice," I say confidently while nodding.

"Alright, good, good...what was it???" He asks, looking between the two of us.

We're still standing in the cold an hour later in penguin formation, desperately trying to find a way to keep warm as we wait for Andy to come out of his tour bus.

"You all want to keep waiting?" I ask.

"We can't wait for much longer if my Dad is going to take us home," Zoë says.

Suddenly, the bus opens, and Andy walks out of the bus and over to the sidewalk to us.

"Hi," we all say, shaking from the cold.

"Hey!" Andy says, putting a cigarette in his mouth while joining our circle. "Did you all enjoy the show?" He asks while igniting his lighter. The heat from his lighter feels so nice on my frozen nose.

"Yeah, we did," Adam says.

"Awesome. I'm glad to hear it." Andy says while inhaling his cigarette.

"We don't want to keep you out here in the freezing cold, but we really just wanted to thank you for putting us on the guestlist for tonight. That's not something that happens every day, and it meant a lot to us." Adam says.

"Of course!" Andy says and exhales. "It's not every day people drive hours and hours to see one of our shows, so thank you all for that."

"Before we go, we just have one question for you," Zoë says.

"Okay," Andy says, still smoking his cigarette.

"We're musicians and we're trying to write more original songs. If you were to give us some life advice about writing music, what would that be?"

Andy is quiet momentarily and takes another puff of his cigarette, illuminating the contemplation on his face.

"Be vulnerable. If you allow yourself to get into that place and be vulnerable while writing, people will latch onto it because it's real."

"There's that word again." I think to myself. "Vulnerability. What does that even mean? I don't know how to do that."

“Thank you,” we say to Andy before leaving.

"Yeah, that's it.” Andy says to me after recounting his advice. “I think that…and what is funny is that it continues to be true." Andy says, locking his eyes to mine. "Like even from a self-assessment, I latch onto it. Like trying to be something else may be easier for other people, but it never feels right; it feels like poison to me. So, I dunno it just... it's good. Keep being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the key to the whole thing to obtain any kind of happiness of any kind."

"Yeah, and for sure, the key to creativity," I say.

"Yeah, I agree. And you know, connection to human beings, like this is actually who I am. Fully. Warts and all." He says still locking eyes with me.

"Take it or leave it." I nod in response.

"Yeah, this is it.” He says gesturing to himself. “And I think it makes the reward…like even though our band might not ever be a band that isn't doing something that isn't vulnerable...I dunno, I'd rather take the vulnerability and slowly build from that. I have too many friends who just-I would say, to be vulnerable with people even in your life and only have people around you who can accept...not your nastiness but like...when you become that thing that can like, I mean if I were to do that now...it would be my whole family and every single good friend in my life who would be like what are you doing, Mr. Bigshot???" We all laugh.

"Yeah, so I'm glad I didn't say something stupid," Andy says with a sincerity that makes me feel like I'm seeing a friend for the first time in a long time.

"Oh no, you absolutely did not, and we have held onto that for all these years," I say.

"And I just wanted to know if there were any other things that you would advise us because things are moving and it's going well-

"GOOD!" Andy interjects.

"Which is awesome!" Zoë says

"Yeah, that's so exciting!" Andy says.

"I mean, we aren't there yet, but we're getting there, I think." Zoë finishes.

"Yeah, yeah! I would stand by what I said and find good people around you. Like that's it. And the other thing is that if you get into a position where you have more power over people, try to eliminate that as a tool for getting what you need. Treat them as another human being." Andy says.

"Yeah, not power over power with," I say.

"Yeah, exactly. People working on our crew in our band have been the best and with us for the last 10 or 15 years. And we don't have enough money to put these people on retainers, so we are fortunate when they have a moment to actually come and do it, and the only reason they do it is because they like the feeling of us being together. Find your people. That's my next advice. Find your people. And then don't let it absolutely devastate you when some of those people have other ideas to do other things like celebrate everybody, have fun like we literally every single night we look at each other I say a prayer and then it's just like can we have fun what a gift it is to be able to go and play this show. It is a gift to us all five of us, and we say that to each other-

"And it's a gift to us!" a person from the small crowd interjects. I nod emphatically in agreement.

"Yeah! So, how good is that? We're working together, and that means the world to me. To all of us, man. Truly, we talk about it often. We're like the lamest, sweetest dues ever!" Andy laughs. "So, thank you guys."

"Thank you so much," I say.

"Of course!" he says.

"We'd love to snag a picture if that's cool," I say and hand my phone to a person in the group behind us.

"Yeah! Y'all send me your music. I'd love to hear your music. Please send it." Andy says, looking between us both.

"That would be an absolute dream," I say.

"Dude, please. Yes, done. Actually, let me write, can I see that again?" Andy asks while pointing at Zoë's ticket.

"Is this really happening right now?!?! Is Andy Hull passing along his personal information to us?!?!"

Zoë hands Andy her ticket, and he begins writing what appears to be an email on the ticket. My heart is pounding as I look off into the fourth wall.

I'm in shock and desperately trying to sit on all of the emotion building in my chest so I don't cry right there and then.

We gather for a picture, and then I turn back to Andy.

"That's a c, and that's an r; I'm sorry about my handwriting, but please send me your music, guys." Andy says while handing the ticket back to Zoë.

(For sure not crying. Just a twig in my eye or a branch.)

"Thank you, Andy," I say, and extend my hand out to him.

"Of course, guys,” He says shaking my hand and then Zoë’s. “Please be safe on your way home! Goodnight, everyone!"

Zoë and I begin to make our way back to the car.

"Are you all on Spotify?" one guy from the group asks us.

"Yes, we're fighting futures, and you can find us on all streaming platforms," Zoë says.

"Fighting Futures?" he clarifies.

"Yeah," I say.

"Perfect, just followed you all. Good luck!" he says before running off.

I pull out of the parking lot with I Can Feel a Hot One playing through my car's speakers. You would think I would be on a high after meeting Andy and obtaining his musical advice, but I can't feel anything anymore after the rage that tore through me throughout the show. I make my way back to Sams, hoping I can remember how to get back there.

I wait for a few minutes in the parking lot before she stumbles into my car, still enraged by me.

Drunk.

I just focus on the road as much as I can as I endure Sams's drunk, degrading comments shot at me until I've had all I can take and pull the car over.

"I'm this close to making you walk home or having your friend come pick you up from here because I'm done listening to you," I say, trying to hold back my rage.

"Whatever, Niamh." She says, and she leans her seat back.

I pull back onto the road and drive in silence until I know she is asleep. I turn the CD player back on and quickly turn the volume down. It's nearly 2am, and I'm beginning to nod off as I drive home. I usually get up for work at 2:30am. I start to tear up as I remember not having to go to work; I can just sleep when I get back to Lexington. I listen to I Can Feel a Hot One repeatedly as I drive home with the heat on, still shaking from the cold, or maybe it wasn't from the cold. There isn't much of a difference in the feeling. I only move to hit the back button on the CD player as the song ends and quietly harmonize with Andy to help keep myself awake. It was hardly a whisper, which was all I could muster anyway. I kept waiting for the numbness to set in and replace the gaping hole in my chest with a pain that was so strong I could hardly bear it. But it never came. There was nothing left holding me together. There wasn't enough of me to hold any of the pieces in one safe place.

I occasionally look over at Sams in the passenger seat as I think more about the record I'm listening to: Everything to Nothing. I let the songs continue until Everything to Nothing begins to play. I start sobbing to myself as I whisper along with Andy:

I don't know what to do

Not anymore

And you

Well you mean everything

It isn't until that moment that I understand what it means: You mean everything to nothing. At least what it means to me in this moment. I mean "everything" to someone who treats me like I'm nothing. Someone who is a dead end. Someone who is nothing. Someone with nothing to give me and only takes everything from me until nothing is left. And that is what I am now. Nothing. A shell of a person. She treated me like I was everything until I was nothing. And now she's nothing to me. I mean everything to nothing.

You mean everything to nothing

You mean everything to nobody but me

I'm unsure how I get us home, but we both stumble out of the car and into Sams's apartment. I think briefly about sleeping on the couch but reluctantly make my way up the stairs and to her room for fear of her becoming violent if I don't. We both collapse in bed and drift away.

"I'll drive," I say as I unlock the car for Zoë.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I have my glasses, so I should be fine. I want you to write up the email to Andy."

"Okay, sounds good." She says.

We go home on the same road I took with Sams 10 years ago as Zoë is trying to decipher Andy's handwriting.

"Is it ragesails?” Zoë asks out loud. “I don't think that's an e because it looks like a c when you look at the .com at the end. Maybe it's an acronym? If it is, what does RAGC stand for???"

"Right Away, Great Captain," I say.

"Oh!!!! Yes! That's it. That has to be it."

I smile as my knowledge about Andy's music has saved the day.

"I just wanted to be sure the email was right before I sent it over. Ragcsails makes sense." She says.

It takes nearly the whole car ride home for Zoë to write and rewrite the email. She finally reads it out loud to me:

"Hey Andy!!

You gave us your contact information after the incredible show tonight up in Cincinnati, OH. We have been listening to your music for years and have met you a couple times along the way. You gave us amazing advice back then that we took to heart when writing our music, and I hope that our songs can show that.

We have several new songs we've been working on in the studio lately that aren't out just yet, but "Steps" and "Fighting Futures (Headfirst)" are great representations of our current sound. We would love to hear your feedback and any continued advice or directions for us on the next steps in this journey. Thank you SO much for always being real and so welcoming. It has honestly meant so much to us to get to continue to keep up with you & your music over the years. Keep being vulnerable and brave, and we'll strive to do the same.

Here are some links to our music and I have attached our EPK below. Please let me know if you would want us to send anything else.

"Yeah, I like that."

Love Always,

Zoë & Niamh

"Okay, I'm sending it…..now!"

"This is so crazy," I say in utter disbelief.

"I know."

"If you had told me 10 years ago after the Newport show that the next time I would come home from a Manchester show in the Cincinnati area after a 10th anniversary show of COPE, I would be crafting a personal email to Andy about my music, I would have never believed you."

Zoë is just looking at me empathetically.

"Those were dark days," I say as my throat tightens.

"I know." She says while nodding.

"Though, if anyone had told me that night that we would write our first song less than a month later, I wouldn't have believed that either."

We sit in silence for a moment before I speak again.

"Could you imagine if we got Andy to sing the third part of Stain Glass Window????"

"I would sob." Zoë says adamantly.

"Brooooooo, now that would be full circle." I laugh.

"It really would." "A girl can dream, I guess," I say as I pull off of I-75.

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