#lotta people think Tropical sucks

[desidesidesi]

Jumping on the Miku art meme and drew her up in a traditional Honduran dress I was always jealous of my cousins for. Since I was raised State Side, I didn't get one when I was little and there were never any festivals to wear them when I visited in the summer.

I always thought it was so pretty so I wanted to put Miku in it eatin' my favorite Honduran Treats! Baleadas, Zambos Chile limon plantain chips, and Tropical soda!

[brilliantpride]

LOSTBELT 5: THE DAY TO BRING DOWN GODS. Location: Yako’s bedroom. Time: 3 days before Rayshift.

“You shouldn’t go.”

Yako scoffs. “What do you m—”

“Yako.” Ritsu’s voice is quiet, but firm. Yako’s shoulders fall; she knows what that tone means. (Lately, it feels like it’s reserved just for her.) “You still need to recover, and it’s better if you do that here instead of pushing yourself on the field. I’m worried about you.”

They trail off into the quiet ocean soundtrack of Yako’s bedroom, where her windows show a digital underwater, tropical fish swimming past. She sits on top of her center table, legs crossed, books pushed to the side, tail twitching from side to side. She keeps her hands in her lap, rubbing her palm as she looks down to the floor, to the patterns on her carpet.

“I know. Yeah, that’s probably the best option. Assassin and I still haven’t made up yet, so the curse is still… I just can’t figure out a way to talk to them, ‘cause I get so angry…” But they’ve heard all that before. No need to get back into it. “And I can’t use magic because of that, ‘cause my circuits are fucked up from it, and my team’s kind of in shambles… I guess, uh, there’s a lotta reasons I’d be a liability,” she says, matter-of-fact. “It makes sense.”

Yako closes her mouth and stares at the floor a while longer.

“I know you and Mash and Robin can handle yourselves. And you’ve got Beast, so you won’t be caught off-guard by yourself. And your whole... regeneration thing, so dying isn’t really... a worry anymore. So, it’s not like you really need me, I guess,” she leans back, staring at the ceiling now. “But I just…”

Just what? Just want to fulfill her own stupid hero-chasing that’s increasingly likely to get people killed? Just don’t want to get left behind, even though everyone would have to pick up after her if she went? There’s nothing she could say here that sounds like a reason she should go. The more she thinks about it, the more painfully obvious it becomes: if she went to this Lostbelt in the state she’s in now, she’s more likely to drag everyone down than help them.

She looks down again and shakes her head. The gem still buried like shrapnel in her chest aches with the tears she bites back.

“Yeah. Okay,” Yako whispers. “Sorry. I’ll miss you. Just come back safe.”

---

TIME: 1 day before Rayshift.

The day before the Lostbelt Rayshift, Yako helps load cargo into the Shadow Border. It’s the least she can do, though her muscles strain with the effort, and she tires easily. Cú carries boxes twice his size with ease, following Ody’s recitation of the cargo manifest with pinpoint precision. He’s earnest. Da Vinci had asked a few times after Yako, if she wanted to stop and let her Saber handle things, but she shook her head and shrugged it off, saying she just wants to help out where she can. Her mind wanders a bit as she wonders how long it would take her to get caught if she hid with the cargo, before she puts the container away and grabs another.

Cú grabs her shoulder, pulling her back. “You should take a break,” he says. “Lemme handle this.”

“Sure,” she sighs, handing off her container, and finds a place to sit down and rest for a bit. She settles for sinking down into a sit against the rear wheel, eyeing the last of the cargo yet to be loaded. After this is done, she really won’t have anything else to do but… sit and wait for news.

…

“Hey,” Cú pokes her arm, kneeling down next to her. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Yako shrugs.

“Are you mad?”

“Not mad, just…” she searches for the right word, “...gonna miss the action, I guess? I mean, this happened before, and it sucked, and so I’ve been working really hard so it doesn’t happen again, right? But then all this happens, and I get held back anyway, and just… But if I say I wanna go, I’ll just be holding everyone back, and…”

“So?” Cú blinks. “Do ya wanna go?”

Yako’s at a loss for words. Cú prods her again. “Yako, do ya wanna go? I’m strong enough to take on anything. With me around, ya got nothin’ to worry about! I’ll keep ya safe n’ sound.”

“I just…”

“Ugh.” Oh boy. Yako groans as Kama materializes beside them, sitting with their legs crossed on top of a crate. “Don’t encourage her, Saber. She’s staying home for her own good.”

“Who asked ya? I thought I was askin’ Yako what she wanted to do.”

“She already made her choice. Just stay home,” Kama eyes Yako sharply, “and don’t get in the way.” Yako sighs and rolls her eyes. Kama stares her down. “Don’t tell me you’re seriously thinking about going? Your condition is—”

“Like it’s not your fault I’m like this in the first place!” Yako springs to her feet, tail whipping in indignation, her teeth bared as her frustration boils. “You did this to me! Didja forget that? Oh, maybe it was one of your other names, and that’s why you can’t remember suddenly! I might’ve deserved it, but don’t act like you’re worried about me!” Her chest heaves with fury. “So just—shut up! I’m going, and you can’t stop me!”

Kama’s gaze intensifies. Yako feels a crushing pain in her chest as it does. She winces and balls her hands into fists, her gaze just as defiant and stern.

And then, with a flash of flame, they’re gone, and the pressure with it. Yako heaves a deep breath of relief.

“Come on, Cú,” Yako says, storming off…

…pausing, and then turning around. “Right after we finish loading these boxes.”

---

TIME: Day of Rayshift.

It’s the day of the Rayshift, which is always an early morning. She hardly sleeps the night before. Backpack, packed and ready; slingshot, armed, though she’s gone with ball-bearings instead of carving out runestones; Calesvol, eh, sheathed, maybe it’ll come in handy; and Combat Armament, equipped and siphoning mana normally.

“Ready?” Cú asks, peering in the door.

“We can still catch ‘em if we go now,” Connla adds.

“Yeah. Just give me a few,” she nods. “I’ll be out soon.”

She’s going to get so yelled at, she thinks as she does a last run-through of her checklist. They’re going to be disappointed. They’re going to argue with her. But she has to stand her ground. Even if it’s just to satisfy her own selfishness, she doesn’t want to sit around and do nothing. Even if she’d be better off staying home, just this once, let her impose on other people (as if she doesn’t always; but then, it’s just to be expected of her, right?) There’s so much she can still do, but if she never gets the chance…

Yako sprints down the hallway, past Servants crowding the Command Room, past the summoning room, past Ritsu’s suite, past Sion; she skitters down the staircase instead of waiting for the elevator to take her to the ground floor, through the older hallways covered in steam-pipes and incandescent lighting; and she barrels her way into the Rayshift room at last, where a team set for Rayshift are about to pile into their vehicle.

“Wait,” she wheezes, catching her breath.

“We’re comin’ with ya!” Connla announces.

“I was gonna…”

“She didn’t wanna get left out,” Cú adds.

“Let me say it…”

Ritsu sighs and shrugs. “You could’ve just said you wanted to go.”

…Huh?

“I diiiid pack extra rations, just in case,” da Vinci smiles.

“I anticipated this outcome,” Holmes says, “thus we’ve been factoring you into our plans.”

“I thought you’d try to sneak into the cargo hold…” Meunière sighs. “Glad you decided to do it this way.”

“I knew I felt a migraine coming on,” Robin groans, and Ritsu pats his shoulder. Douman laughs politely at the pair of them.

“I… I was really hoping you’d come!” Mash exclaims, rushing to Yako’s side and gripping her hands with force. "It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Yako stands, stunned. …Did people care about her that much? She thought she was just tagging along selfishly! Uuu, wait, she can’t cry now! It’s gonna ruin her cool moment!

“Absolutely not!” Oh, there it is. The missing voice in all that. “Miss Koizumi, you are to be on bed-rest as I have ordered! I will not have you be a lame sitting-duck for our operations. Now, turn around right this second and walk out that door, or else—”

Yako cuts off his blustering, still holding Mash’s hand. “With all due respect, Director, stuff it. I’m still a Master. I can still help. I might not have my magic back, but don’t count me out yet.” Things are different this time. Cú and Connla stand by her side, nodding with crossed arms. (And behind her, outside of Yako’s vision, Kama glares daggers at Goredolf.) “If Ritsu says it’s okay, then I’m going, whether you like it or not.”

“I… er… well, I never!…”

“Ignore Gordy. Welcome aboard,” da Vinci gestures at the door with a flourish, while Goredolf mutters to himself and skulks off. Mash and Cú help Yako up the ramp as Connla pushes her from behind. And with that… “Sion, are we ready for Rayshift with a few extra members?”

“We are ready here! All aboard? Then, Rayshift begins in one minute!”

Yako settles into her favorite corner of the Shadow border, her tail wrapped around her as Cú and Connla pile in next to her. “You guys better take care of me. I can’t do this all by myself, okay?” She puts her finger to her lips. “Don’t tell anyone I said that, though.”

“Okay~!”

[jackscrewed]

Modern AU questions: 1, 2

What year were you born?  Where?  Who raised you?  What are your thoughts on them?               

I made my great and fashionable debut into this world in the grand old year of 1970...1969?  Shit, shit, I can’t remember, oh my god, it’s gotta be one or the other.  I gotta lotta trouble just remembering what day it is, let alone what year I was born.  Uh, I’m 46, going on 47 (unless I’m already 47?  No.  I think), so that’s...y’know, let’s just go with 1970.  Seems right.  I know what year I was born, for the record, I just can’t recall.

70s were a super great time to be alive.  You had Robin Hood.  You had The Rescuers.  You had Scooby Doo.  Love me some Scooby Doo, wanna get a van and solve mysteries.  You had...like, okay, that’s actually about the only great things from the 70s.  They fucking blew.  The 1980s, uh, sucked, but at least I had a rocking mullet throughout the 80s.  I just had a fucking bowl-cut in the 70s.

Anyway, I was born in Guam.  Andersen, if you wanna be specific and I’m being specific.  My old man’s military, yeah.  I don’t really remember the island that much because we left when I was pretty small, but I guess it must have left a pretty big impression on me because I still got a predilection towards the tropics.  Used to live in Orlando and now I’m kicking myself for coming back to Boston because we don’t got cute lizards and neat bugs up here...but on the plus side, our tourists are better than Florida tourists.

Uh, anyway, I was raised by my parents.  Got two of them!  Some people got more, you know.  Like take my son, he’s got like five goddamn parents, it’s ridiculous....wait, no, that’s six, I forgot Loretta.  She doesn’t see him much but she counts, she totally counts.  Wish I could see her more because she’s a peach but she’s, you know, doing her thing out west and I respect that.  Anyway, my folks should have split ages ago but, like, they didn’t.  Part of that’s Catholic shit but it’s mostly because they’re just real fucking stubborn.  Anyway, I never saw my dad much as a little kid ‘cause he worked so much, so it was mostly Ma handling the kids until we got a little older and then my dad realized we were, like, people.  Smaller, shittier people to boss around.

...I don’t really get along with my folks, to be honest.  We don’t really talk.  Only reason I got my mom on Facebook is so I can keep tabs on them.  I’m trying not to think about them too much ‘cause my therapist says I don’t got to let them into my life if it’s hurting me, but sometimes you gotta because, like, shit.  Things.  Stuff.  They wanted one time and what they got instead is me and you know what?  I’m a ray of fucking sunshine.  I’m a cascade of glitter and unicorns and angels and shit.

Trying to be a better dad and like...do the exact opposite of what they did with me, and it’s a solid strategy so far ‘cause none of my kids have felonies yet or, like, 500 problems ‘cause they should have gone to therapy years ago but didn’t ‘cause their dad told them mental illness is just being lazy and also commie shit maybe and then they had a real bad time and did real stupid shit ‘cause their brain got overexcited ‘cause it needed medicine and doctor talk and that’s why they’re constantly broke and in trouble with authority and also having some bad feelings bouncing around in the brain space, haha.  Hah.  Yeah.  Uh.  Okay, that got waaaaay too personal there, sorry, mate.

Uh, anyway, I’m trying to be better than them.  I don’t want my kids to think they can’t do shit on account of being born a certain way ‘cause that’s the root cause of at least 50% of my real bad times and I don’t want that for ‘em.  Pru don’t have to shut up and be nice to the boys and Avery's allowed to dress up with my makeup if he wants.  I mean, not the expensive shit, he can’t wear my Tom Ford, shit’s expensive (and a gift. My friend Vlad keeps buying it for me ‘cause he’s real sweet.  I can’t afford it otherwise.  He’s nice.), but he can wear, like, the Nyx.  He can wear that all he wants.  I mean, as long as he doesn’t try to eat it again.  He tries that sometimes.  I get it but also I need him to not.  I’m pretty sure that’s bad for you and also pretty gross.

...

...

...If a man keeps buying you $50 lipstick, do you think that maybe he wants to...hm.  Hmm.  Hrm.  Give me a minute, baby, I gotta consider some things.

[oceansopen]

Energy Sucking Places on Earth

Setting a timer for 30 minuets I begin to get back into a writing rhythm. One that I’ve missed for what feels like a month. Environment plays a huge role in my creative output and overall wellbeing. Being around plants is the fastest way to get me to calm down. Having space to myself provides recuperation time that has been drained out by the passing energies with others. I am product of my environment, as we all are. It seems I’m just highly sensitive to it. Which brings me to a deeper understanding of how I can be better to myself. 

When I’m taking care of myself I shine and so do others around me. I tend to bring out the best in others when I am well rested, I’ve worked out, spent time writing, went on a walk, listened to good music, cooked a healthy meal and talked to someone I love and laughed. When I’m out partying, staying up late, sleeping in, eating junk, I treat everything around me like shit because I’m treating myself like doodoo. I don’t like it at all. 

This afternoon my little brother picked me up and we went to grab a coffee from the slow downtown of Spokane. Everywhere you look there are drug addicts, homeless people, diesel trucks spewing out black smoke, it’s a heavy vibe. Luckily the sun was shining and the weather was warm. I was reminded of what Kaypacha said in his weekly astrology report - until ALL of us are well, none of us are well. This reminder hit a nerve for me because I have been feeling this for the past three weeks. 

My body went from feeling incredibly healthy, basking in my own energy in Bali going to America where all the shit is gnarly. Going back to being a product of my environment I quickly relapsed into a realm I strive to avoid. I don’t like being fucked up anymore, I don’t like late nights turning into morning, feeling anxious and unsure of myself. It was a quick change of pace and it’s taken me less time than usual to bounce back but fuck man, its dark. When I go down, yuck and yikes. 

Traveling gets me out of my head, takes me far away from people I know, memories I’ve had and I get to create a completely new story wherever I go. I strive to build memories that when I go back to visit I feel safe and well. 

Whenever I come back to the states I notice that transition into sick, unwell, scattered, uncertain, not so great version of myself happens real quick. As much as I try and stick to a routine that I’ve built for myself while traveling, I get washed away by the overall cloud that surrounds the United States. 

Anywho - this morning I went through some photos from Morocco I took a few years ago. My heart pounded with the thought of jumping on a flight for 14 hours, sitting through long layovers, time changes, shuffling through customs, dehydrated as shit but not a care in the world because I’m going somewhere new. All the adventure and freedom erases all pain in my life and I am present in the moment not understanding a word anyone is saying. This is the life for me. I’m aware things are rapidly changing and travel may never be the same but I am hopeful that soon I will no longer live in the United States. Nothing about this land resonances for me any longer. 

What draws me back is the people I love. However even that is fleeting feeling. Eventually, usually faster than people are prepared for, I go. This land is your land, this land is my land, does not fill my soul with love, it depletes me and I must move forward to the places that rejuvenate me and help me be my best. 

In a recent mushroom trip that came about because I decided that my life restrictions were too tight and sticking to a healthy diet and workout routine was just too rigid…(I’m a fool sometimes) I opened up a portal for myself to get fucked up for weeks - not everyday but a lot. Had I known that a few mushroom teas would have led me to down this road I probably would have chosen to stick to my routine. But alas I am here, better, clearer, ready to move on. As I was beginning the giddy-giggle-trip up the mushroom ramp, I went pee, looked at myself in the mirror and matter of factly said to myself; 

“You are a reptilian and it makes sense why you have to live in warm climates” 

Then I turned and walked out the bathroom. No ifs, ands or buts, just a matter of fact, and it does make sense. I feel the very best with mostly sunshine, in the tropics, high humidity, big ass palm trees, silly geckos, big sky and whole lotta fresh food. As a product of my environment in these areas of the world, I flourish, I am healthy, well, surrounded mostly by the same kind of people, looking for the same out of life. 

When I look at the people I follow online for spiritual advice and wisdom most of them live in tropical climates. Why? Because we can be our best. We are supported by the Earth, a like minded community and sunshine that fills the skin with vitamin D. 

There’s been this bitter monster horse sized pill, years in the making, I’ve been trying to swallow. Here’s what’s inside; Old relationships that prove to be toxic, old stories that have run their course and have long time fizzled out yet still are held on by this energetic cord that is linked to the what some might like to imagine as an umbilical cord. Linked to family members, childhood friends, old lovers, whatever. So there’s all these stories of who you should be in their eyes, how you should show up in their lives and the role they want you to continue to play in their life. But whats happening in real life is that you’ve long outgrown that role in their lives, they have outgrown the role they played in yours and you are left with a few crumbs in a once freshly puffed bag of chips. The best chips have been eaten so just throw the bag out. But how do you do that when these chip people are in your family or friends that haven’t actually done anything wrong for you to be like…”Uh, I don’t resonate with you anymore…” It’s a lot to process, most people never do it. It’s easier to just put up with people, go through the motions, stick to your old self because people are used to that version of you and don’t want to evolve to understand who you really are now, in present time. It’s bizarre. 

Let me also add to this son of a bitch pill that this is what has happened with me and the United States of America. Going back to my hometown triggers me, I can only be in LA for a few weeks, and there’s really nowhere on this piece of land that calls to me. The stories have played out, my karma has been worked through and I can move on. I don’t have to live here for the rest of my life and I won’t. But that also comes with the letting go of being close to family and friends. And what if one day I start a family, is it selfish to not be close to family? Or is it selfish to raise a child somewhere that doesn’t provide what you need as a parent? 

The pill is huge, I’m telling you - I take a big drink of water everyday to help it go down but it’s still lodged somewhere in my esophagus. I am positive it will be swallowed fully in the time it’s digestible. If people love me enough they will understand that for my wellbeing and creative output it is important for me to live somewhere far, far away from everything I’ve ever known. Which, I think they understand somewhat. 

There is an undeniable trust I feel in knowing that I move forward rapidly in the direction of my growth wherever I am called to live for a period of time. Though I may not know the direct location of my next move I know that I am always growing and evolving when I choose to get out of my comfort zone. I don’t know if I will ever have a forever home and that is okay as long as I am in an environment that supports my truth, that’s all I can ask for. 

This year I’ve gone from Kauai to LA to Indonesia to LA to Bellingham Washington to Spokane Washington - All within 5 months. I’ve gotten used to moving every single month because my heart knows what it’s doing. I am here now to spend time with my brother and my long time friend Jacob. My plan is to save up a good chunk of money and move to Indonesia as long as I can legally stay there for. And I choose this not to be a dick to the people I love but for my wellbeing and ultimately to not be a dick to myself. 

Becoming aware of who you are, how you act around certain people, what triggers you, yada yada is highly important in advancing as a human. Understanding energy, seeing patterns, having the intelligence to get the fuck out when it feels off and pursing what feels in alignment is ultimately what I’m doing and what I always encourage others to try. I am grateful that no matter where I am, I am always taken care of. I feel very secure that this is always the case. 

One day if I do have a house I would love to host travelers like myself. I want to thank all of you that have been a part of this journey with me. I appreciate your big hearts and loving arms and real hospitality. 

To end this long rant I’d also like to close with I am not bashing on those who choose to live in the United States. I think it’s important to realize the energy that clouds around certain areas of this planet and choose those places that fill you up with joy to spend time in. If that place is a park in your hometown - beautiful, if it’s a few states away - groovy, if you don’t vibe with the States and you choose to move to another country - I get you. The moral of this story is to be aware of your environment. If you are suffering in your current place ask yourself what you can do to change it, make it better or find a way to get out. You deserve to feel safe, happy and healthy in this life. That is all - see y’all on the other side of the world.