#lordy she makes me insane ok

[violet-bridgerton]

i just think alison brie in the 5 year engagement and that is all

[fruitlilliie]

bewitched listening party (i<3laufey)

I found Laufey while on tiktok a long time ago before she released music, I knew her because she was a singer/cellist and so was I so I ate up her content. She now has literally the most incredible discography of any newer artist, she has such a unique and beautiful sound like the jazz and orchestral sounds she uses tickles my brain and feeds the part of me that has always loved all jazz/orchestral/choral pieces and performances. As I'm writing this little blurb I'm listening to her new album "Bewitched" and holy shit like seriously I feel like I am ascending while listening to this. I just finished with "While you were sleeping" and it's just indescribable how angelic it sounds. The opening song "Dreamer" started and I just fell over. I was sitting on my floor so it was totally fine but just don't have any perception of what the song will be and then prepare to listen to the entire album (approx. 49 minutes) and you're just going to transform. If you don't like jazz or more classical style singing then gtfo but also come back because Laufey is so amazing that she'll change your opinion. She's always mentioning sunset and that kills me. Love some California representation though but the song "California and Me" just came on and its time for my heart to just fall out of my chest I guess. I know this song very well already as it was released in an EP before the album release. Maybe I am overly emotional about this song because my ex posted it after I talked about how much I love Laufey... but I digress, this song is absolutely stunning. If you have ever felt immense heartbreak hold onto that feeling. If you have ever been on the ride "Soarin" at Disneyworld, imagine the feeling of being on that ride but its like your life X California and Me playing in the background. Now bring back that heartbreak feeling and add it into the mix and that's just like how this song makes me feel just sitting in bed. So I am halfway through the album and I think the most heartbreaking thing she could have possibly done is put the Nocturne (Interlude) right in between "California and Me" and "Promise" (Promise absolutely wrecks me and makes me cry every time its longing for someone you can't have anymore and knowing you shouldn't reach out, you promised, but time moves so much slower without them. How can you distance yourself from someone you love so much, someone you want to spend your life with. "how we didn't say goodbye, just see you very soon" "it hurts to be something its worse to be nothing with you". Like please. Give me a chance to breathe before giving me another gut-wrenching line. She says she'll always lose the temptation of you. "Well never last". She's done the math. WHO HURT HER. Like hello relatable but LORDY. Then we go light bossa nova careless fun song like the variation and just damn TALENT from this girl is insane. Laufey stan for life when can I see her in concert I am itching for a wintertime concert from her. Until then, I'll be daydreaming to her music and living in my delulu world or crying my broken heart out to her sadder songs. Either way, this album is a really beautiful piece of art to the world. Like we are all so lucky to be alive at the same time as music like this (currently listening to serendipity) is being created. "Letter to my 13 year self" is the trifecta perfect addition to this years aim at healing and understanding self and girlhood and life like this song X Barbie X Eras Tour really has made me feel like a human being again. This song would absolutely kill me if I were listening at 13, that age is so horrible and vulnerable and formative like this song would have been such a comfort knowing that it's all going to be ok and not even knowing what "it" is. There so much to learn and to lose and at 13 there's no way to even fathom what on earth will change . Ending this album with Bewitched is beautiful and sick and twisted. Such a heartbreaking album and ending it with a love song pains me but being the title track, shows there's always love at the end.

[onlyhereforangst]

am i insane? probably. moving on.

slide 1: first day(s)??? same fits for terra & flora in that sneak peek, all in the winx suite together and yet at the stone circle musa & bloom have changed but the others haven’t?? and also can’t find flora to save my life in the crowd so maybe that’s beforehand and then we meet flora? also stella is def spying on sky & riv in what is maybe the war room area at some point that day?? idk all this feels like a definite time jump and i am READY to be shown the changes via the girls plotting away.

slide 2: feels like it’s early after the first slide because bloom is unhappy with controlling her emotions (does she get embarrassed by marco in the stone circle???) also i *think* bloom is wearing the same thing here aaaand musa is still close with the girls (more on this to come)

slide 3: it’s A Lot but bare with me. this is where i think musa starts to drift apart. highly recommend watching the clip of them all using their magic together because you’ll see aisha give musa a very concerned look and question her (someone who can lip read help me out) and musa is clearly Not Happy about this all, which makes sense considering her little magic beam is practically nonexistent. is this all after the talk with riven and training and totally being like you know what he’s fucking right i don’t want to be a mind fairy look i’m not even good at this fuck it (you know, getting in her *head* about it all and therefore weakening her powers). or is the training with riven after she realizes she’s not as strong as the other girls and she’s like fuck ill go to the one guy who may just get being an outsider/cast and she then gets vulnerable with him???? fuck me either way. NOT TO MENTION bloom is somehow off campus during the day at this diner, back on campus in the room to do magic beam circle, back off campus or at least away from the group when they’re with sky at the barrier??? color me v intrigued.

slide 4: THE GRAPEVINE PUB AKA THE CLUB. v excited for this one because musa is doing a lot. you can see the green tan under that jacket in the bus, then its the same things shes wearing while dancing with flora and then she’s also running away on stairs that SUSPICIOUSLY look like the ones at the DUBLIN HELLFIRE CLUB???? oh lordy. should be a fun outing fam 👀

slide 5: the official “musa is off doing her own thing” timeframe. allllll wearing the same outfits we see here and guess what? musa is off training with specialists while the rest of the winx suite is off at the barrier doing little spins and twirls to what? break the reinforced barrier??? and then aisha’s new boo comes in to play here too??? v excited to see how musa denies her powers and the other girls continue to get stronger. GIMME ANGST NOW.

slide 6: random scenes as of rn where bloom is in the same graphic tee +/- blazer that i *think* may be the same look as where she’s kissing sky here???? so unsure but don’t think it’s bea/riv there because heights as well as bea wears different boots in the one boots + skirt combo we’ve seen (re: slide 1)

slide 7: the formal/banquet/whatever they looking fancy ok? loving all these looks, very excited for whatever comes of this banquet. mad i can’t see musa, stella & terra’s getup yet.

slide 8: angry bea gets ragey in an office and lights it UP UP UP fun times.

slide 9: stella & bea having some lovely one on one time at some point in the series and probably find the stumbling fairy who’s been drained of magic??? while they were chitchatting. also pretty sure this is the same outfit on bea as when we see this threesome? and i’m just??? did you skip out on them bea? did you go there after? did you get interrupted? so lost. and playing “i do not see” because rivusa supremacy lmao

slide 10 (& 11 not pictured - stella in the lavendar floral print crop top with terra in a denim button down): random AF fits that make no sense with anything else we’ve seen lol. lmk if something comes to you with that halloween nonsense bloom is sporting.

OFFICIALLY DONE MY UNHINGED SYNOPSIS OF THE TRAILER, DATE ANNOUNCEMENT, AND ANY BTS I COULD FIND. you are welcome. 

[darcyesque]

ok can I just vent for a second? so the FIRST girl I ever had a crush on just posted on ig. and i gave it a like bc we were friends and thats what ya do and shes still really pretty and I would so date her jf she asked but like she was the FIRST GIRL I EVER LIKED and we even kind of dated for a minute(it’s a long story and makes me cringe) but like does she know her impact on my life?? Like you were basically my romantic gay awakening! You were the girl I stared at in class! You were the girl who had your hand on my thigh all during lunch and slapped my butt when I walked by occasionally! (lordy lord when I read that back it sounds insane) but like I think she lives in la? Maybe? And does she know everything that goes through my head when I see her??

idk do you guys get that same thing?

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @lenavonschweetz for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Lena, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I believe I was like 14 or 15 (omfg it's been 10 years...).  My best friend and I actually got into it together :)

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

Aaaaaah this one is difficult.  I love both for different reasons.  I just recently explained this to a pal, and he freaked out cuz he loved the metaphor so much lol I like to write reader inserts because I feel like a DM of DnD, kinda weaving a story - which is also why I like reading reader inserts.  Because I never reader them and put myself in the Y/N slot, but rather a OC kinda version of myself, like the woman I wish I could be so to speak.  But I also find there are some stories that need to be written as an OC, so I have a love for both forms.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

I really like AUs that take characters and put them in totally different situations

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

any of the stories I wrote about A7X members - yes, those are out there lol I wrote them in middle school.  They are GARBAGE and so laughable

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Middle of the night - when I should be sleeping lol

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Music, mainly, whether it be lyrics or the feel of a song

7) In your Show Me Love series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Natasha and the "Accidentally Suck His Dick Pencil™️" scenes lol

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

I've fixed errors in stories, and I've considered editing couple of pieces due to severely harsh criticisms , but haven't had time to do so

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Romantically - Bucky, of course. Platonically - Nat is my favorite BFF character to write

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Unfortunately, Steve.  I just haven't found a groove for him yet though I wish I had!!

12) How did you come up with the idea for the Show Me Love series? 

Like everything - it was inspired by music lol I was listening to Show Me Love by the band t.A.T.u. when writing the desk scene and it just kinda stuck

13) Do you have any abandoned WIPs?

I don't have any that I've abandoned for good, but I do have a few that I had to put on the back burner because of inspiration that stalled or just flat out writer's block

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

YES.  I'd really like to write sequels to Show Me Love, Never Have I Ever, and Die A Happy Man to name a few.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Before the Worst.  It didn't cooperate with me, and I'm still not 100% satisfied with it.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Oh god, All of them!!!  It's very hard to narrow down, but anyone who has the guts to create and share their work with the world is worthy of admiration.  To be specific though, oh god, uuuummmm @sugardaddytonystark, @myattemptatfanfictioning​, @plumfondler​, & @papi-chulo-bucky, & @emilyevanstan (BUT I LOVE SO MANY MORE, NARROWING DOWN IS SO DAMN HARD).  I'd have to go with these folks in particular because they are all so talented and kind and everything I aspire to be in a writer, honestly.  They just have a way with words and world building that is A1!

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Can I say all of them? cuz if so, I'd say all of them. lol. Maybe my Loki fic Light in the Hallway.  I was in a dark place and wrote it as a form of catharsis.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

M U S I C.  always music.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

I am a big baby, sooooo yyyyUUUUUP

20) Which part of your Show Me Love series was the hardest to write?

The ending.  I always have a hard time wrapping things up.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

I have a general outline that often morphs along the way

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

people can be cruel, BUT, people can also be so kind it's uncanny.  Learn to look for the light in people and just keep writing what makes you happy.  Writing is not a competition, it's a passion :)

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

The Bridges of Time.  I get that it's a little off the wall but I just felt an insane need to write it, I wish more people would give it a chance

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

A hobbit fanfic I wrote on AO3 - Like Flies and Spiders, probably.  I started it when I was a LOT younger then picked it up again and you can tell that the first several chapters were written by a youngin and it's kinda funny lol

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Oh, always.  Natasha and Wanda are based on my irl BFFs in every story I write them.  I literally had a friend tell me to drop a pencil and accidentally suck my professor's dick, so there's that lol

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

OMG  so I just saw this recently, and it literally made me cry: @ok-shuri-buck said "I don't know how I fell in love with you through your writing but I just want you to know it reflects your soul.  I love your soul" I literally WEPT in front of my mother, it was the kindest thing anyone has ever said of my writing and it still makes me smile

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

as said in response to my 'imagine riding Bucky' drabble, and I quote, "Perfectly good fic ruined by 2nd person POV and that Y/N cop out." But I totally get that some people don't like reader fics, so ah well.  To each their own.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

I share them with my IRL bff @skrywolf772.  he and I bounce fic ideas back and forth all the time, It's wonderful (Also, he's my basis for sassy Nat BFF just fyi)

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

A handful of people do.  Like I said, my two irl BFFS, a girl from school (who I am mutuals with - love ya Lex ;P) and my mom.  Idk if she knows I write fanfiction or not, but she knows I write and post on tumblr

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

probably Sam, Tony, or Thor in Never Have I Ever.  I just love writing those little shits as the wackiest teammates

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Often when I get the idea for a fic, it's a single sentence that will be later in the plot, so often I find myself writing and building to that specific point.  After that, I have some trouble wrapping things up (which is why I write more multi-shots than full series) but I usually use music to spur me along after I've reached that peak :)

32) What’s your favourite trope to write?

Friends to Lovers. is. mah. SHIT!!

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Oh lordy, that was like 15 years ago...but I betcha it was a Avenged Sevenfold or Escape the Fate fanfic lololololllllll

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

(don't hate me) Angst >:)  it just comes easier to me than the other 2, and I find it so cathartic

[yeoldontknow]

11 Questions Tag

tagged by @chanyeolingss @kpopfanfictrash and @yeol-stole-my-soul <3333

Rules: 1. post the rules 2. answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. write 11 questions of your own 4. tag 11 people

ALRIGHT so i was tagged 3 times with 11 different questions each time so im going to answer all 33 of these and then write 11 of my own LORDY. HERE WE GO

also putting this under a cut cause 33 questions will be a lot

from @chanyeolingss

If you had the chance to do something illegal and get away with it, would you? this entirely depends on what the illegal thing is? like, would i ever cause a person bodily harm? probably not. something less insane and petty? probably. like if i knew i could steal a tv and get away with it, i probably would. 

What do you do to calm down? i listen to music and sit in my room. i light candles. im big into aroma therapy and so i tend to always have lavender or vanilla scents in my space. i pet my cat and make him sit with me. purring kitties lower my anxiety like, a lot. other times i take a bath. If you wanted to, what new name would you give yourself? when i was a kid i hated my name because the spelling always seemed gross to me. for the longest time i wanted to be named Aurelia. im good now tho lmao ive shortened my name on my own to just kat and it suits me Do you use markers, pencils or crayons when coloring/drawing? pencils Of the places you’ve been, which was the worst? honestly i reallllyyy didnt like amsterdam. nothing about that trip made me happy. like im grateful i took the tour of anne frank’s house, but like it wasnt really enjoyment it was just this overwhelming feeling of emotion and trauma. it was beautiful and i wouldnt trade that experience for the world. but everything else was awful. the people i was with was a big problem so id like to go back with a better group and try again.  What’s your favorite Disney movie? always a cross between mulan and beauty and the best Which celebrity do you identify with? i feel like im emma thompson 100% of the time What is your favorite season? autumn, without question the best season What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? my first ever ever ever job was for this newspaper in the town where i grew up. our family friend worked for them and got me the job but it was only supposed to be for 5 days. i had a garbage bin filled with newspapers and i had to hand them out to people. i was only getting paid based on the amount of bins i emptied. i hated every single moment of it. 

What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done? im not really a petty person tbh its just that if you fall out of my good favor you will not be allowed back in. my trust once lost is lost forever Do you prefer talking on the phone or texting/messaging? please dont call me unless you need help lmao texting is fine

from @kpopfanfictrash

1) If you could have one superpower, what would it be? my god i want so many but right now its a tie between controlling an element (either fire or water) or the ability to understand every language

2) What was your favorite TV show growing up? when i was a kid there was a show called roswell that aired on what used to be The WB and is now The CW lmao it was awful but i made my mother let me stay up to watch it every monday. i still adore this show even though i KNOW its objectively awful but i own all 3 seasons and regularly watch them when im feeling sad lmao

3) What’s the next trip you’re taking or want to take? IN LESS THAN A FEW WEEKS, I WILL BE IN ST LOUIS WITH @kpopfanfictrash, @the-porcelain-doll-xo, @igot7bangtanbaes and @rudeboywonho <33333

4) What is your biggest pet peeve? when im walking behind someone and they are smoking in my face AND passive aggression please just tell me wtf is wrong so we can move on

5) Tell me one weird habit you have lmfao god i cant believe im admitting this to the world BUT when im stuck and need to think hard on something i hold my boobs pls leave me lmao

6) If your life were a movie, what genre would it be? (comedy, drama, teen horror… LOL) id be in one of those teen comedies. probably john hughes with a DOPE soundtrack

7) Who is one person you find inspirational (real or imagined)? my mother

8) What one thing would you save first from your home, in a fire? my cat lmao but if you mean non living thing my phone

9) What physical feature do you first notice on a person? ears and smile are usually within the same moment

10) What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? i cant say ive eaten anything strange. when i was in france i had escargot and adored it

11) One thing I would not guess about you by looking at you. ive played violin since i was 7

from @yeol-stole-my-soul

1) What are you wearing rn :))) What’s your go-to outfit? my pajamas jeans, band tee, combat boots - my standard

2) If you could tell your bias one thing, what would it be? i can i tell him a lot of things in one breath? ok here goes: chanyeol, i respect the living shit out of you, but please make sure you take care of yourself like i know its easy to assume your problems are a burden and that no one really will notice your tells but the ones who care about you the most will never think of you as a burden and want to make sure you keep smiling - also please remember to eat well and sleep and hydrate, because if you dont you will get sick and the last thing i could handle on this earth is seeing you unwell or injured because you pressured yourself too much - trust me i do the same thing and that is why i am openly telling you that the people who really love you will understand if you step back so you can regroup 

*coughs, wheezes* i love you so fucking much park chanyeol please take care of you

*gasping* your verse in chill saved my life

*dies*

3) If you found yourself as a character in a story, what role would you probably play (ex. the villain, the hero/ine, the sidekick, the crazy old man…) and why? i know for a fact id be the witty side kick who unwittingly solves every problem just because shes observant and doesnt have martyr vibes

4) Do you sleep with socks on or socks off at night?? socks off what kind of demon leaves them on???? dont trust that type wtf

5) Which meme most accurately describes you?

this image is me at any given time of day

6) What do you want your last words to be? oh for fucks sake

7) Describe your ideal date(?) i’m adding the question mark to pretend this is a question somewhere we can talk - theres a place in NYC thats a bar but also an arcade filled with old old games like the original tekken and street fighter. i like going there for chill vibes and then likely walking along the water pier in central park at sunset. its really quiet in that part of the city and on a date i really just want to talk, get to know you, figure out your energy. if its the weekend id happily head to the IFC center for a midnight showing of a classic and then depart at 3AM feeling like ive actually connected with someone who challenges me intellectually and culturally 

8) If you could switch lives/bodies with one person for a day, who would it be and why? zhang yixing so i could make sure he sleeps

9) If you had to spend 24 hours in a television show, which one would you choose and why? And would you survive lolol? i want to be in parks and recreation so i can flirt with ben the entire show and make leslie angry and then by the end be best friends with leslie and anne and then become a recurring character

10) What’s your favorite quote? ‘But from each crime are born bullets that will one day seek out in you where the heart lies.’ - Pablo Neruda

11) Where THE FUCK is Waldo?? his house, wondering why the fuck people keep assuming he would be anywhere else

11 new questions:

1. if you could learn any language, which would you want to learn and why? 2. you’ve moved into your dream house. CONGRATS! what does it look like and where is it? 3. i’m buying you a drink. what are you having? 4. welcome to NYC! let me take you my favourite record shop. whats that record you have in your hand?  5. pitch me an idea for a tv show - in 6 sentences 6. i’m sorry but you’re dead. what does the afterlife look like? 7. thanks for hanging out with me tonight! lets put on a movie. what are we watching? 8. i know, i know. dating my friends is odd but i love you so why shouldnt this be a date? 9. i’ve taken you to the strand in NYC. its a 4 storey book store that is filled with miles worth of books. we are on the 4th floor, which is the floor for old and rare books. which book are you looking for? 10. i got my vacation time booked! ok. lets decide. where are we going? really! why do you want to go? 11. SHIT! i didnt know you could sing!! we’re starting a band. what are we called?

tagging: @yeolology @kpopandlock @kollectionn @kimnamwho @imdifferentshadesofpurple @oh-beyond @pikayeollie @the-porcelain-doll-xo  @daegusoftboys @baebae-goodnight @igot7bangtanbaes

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 68

Pages 6154-6184

Hey guys! Some quick background on why I’ve been a little scarce: I’ve mentioned a personal project that’s been eating into my free time, and that is... dun dun dun, a custom 5e D&D campaign I’m running IRL! The campaign is just starting, so I’m in the phase where I’m planning out a lot of details and building locations, etc. What that means is that sometimes I’ll need to take little breaks from liveblogging to work on the game, and other times, I’ll put D&D to the side to focus on liveblogging! I haven’t disappeared or anything like that, and once the campaign really gets going, my need to take short breaks should ease off. No need to worry! I am here and ready to find out what’s up with this robot bunny that young Bro has built Jane. *Seinfeld music* Does the auto responder have a connection to it the way he has a connection to the brobot? Does it fight with Jane? Is it... touchy feely?

Let’s... find out. Eurgh.

*click*

Poor poppop's severed head got nicked by the FIREPLACE POKER.

OH SHIT. I’m so accustomed to seeing damaged eyes that it didn’t really register the first time I looked at this panel. Is this Hussie teasing us with the idea of a Poppopsprite? Because I would be PERFECTLY OK with that eventuality. Circumstantial simultaneity.

Also, damn, check out all those Astaires.

Jane: Put head back.

You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure. That looks somewhat more respectable you guess.

THE PERFECT CRIME.

Looks like the troublemaker's father is calling.

That choice of language is weird and it’s skeeving me out. I DUN LIKE IT. On the other hand, yay, more kidchat! Or... robokid chat?

KID SIGHTING. And... well, he looks exactly as expected. He appears to be standing on the roof of his building, surrounded by... fucking... are those doves?

TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear. TT: Are you in danger?

...I... it’s gotta be Snoop Dogg Huggy Bear, right?

TT: I disabled the AR for now. GG: Ok. Just making sure! GG: Jake was having some issues with it earlier, and I don't think he received its obfuscating tendencies in the humorous spirit intended. TT: Yes, I'm catching up with the situation now. GG: Oh, so you're talking to Jake then? TT: Nah. Just reading their chat logs.

Why does this seem weird and intrusive if the ‘AR’ is basically fucking him? (Haa haa.)

TT: Its demeanor leaves something desired though. I'd prefer it didn't make such aggressive and repeated claims of fidelity to my persona. TT: Be misrepresentin' hells of key subtleties, yo.

‘Subtleties’. Sure.

TT: Jake needs to be more skeptical. Rather than take a Pollyanna jackknife ass-first off whatever turnip truck is blowing through town that day, he's got to apply more critical reasoning to shit. TT: I keep telling him. TT: I keep telling him, dude, you got to be more like Jane. GG: These lectures I presume are roughly similar in complexion to those I'm familiar with? GG: Those wherein I have, and I quote, "got to be more like Jake?" TT: Yes, exactly. TT: You're finally fucking getting it. GG: I sincerely doubt that I am! TT: Said the stubborn skeptic, skeptically. GG: Let's not talk about my "issues" again, shalln't we?

Alright then. Young Bro is apparently trope savvy, so let’s see what tropes we can apply to him, so far. A: a fair few.

TT: Shalln't? TT: That ain't a thing to say, even for you. GG: Shush! GG: The word shalln't escape my vocabulary any longer, just as you SHALLN'T nitpick my language! That's my turf you're on, buster. TT: Alright. Kinda don't care.

WOW, what a jackass.

GG: What were you saying? TT: About what? Jake?

Careful, Strider, your crush is showing.

GG: About leaving the responder on! TT: Yeah. TT: Anyway, I kind of owe it to him to let the program run as often as possible. GG: Jake? TT: No. TT: The responder.

AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, this is going to get mined for drama later, isn’t it? Normally I’d be fucking allergic to the idea of a teen love n-gon, having experienced enough of them in YA fiction to make me sick, but then, this is Hussie. It’ll be amusing if nothing else.

(IF LITTLELONDE IS THE ONE TO END UP WITH JAKE I WILL SHIT. I might actually ship it??)

TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate cerebral duplicate of myself. TT: You don't just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations. TT: That'd be sick.

That’s a charitable view to have toward an AI, and I’m going to remember this moment in case he reneges on his words later.

TT: Also. TT: The more the software runs, the broader and more detailed its experiential canopy becomes. Makes for a better dialogic partner. GG: Dialogic? GG: Are you saying you have conversations with your own auto-responder? TT: Of course. TT: Why do you think I made the thing? GG: Hrm, that's interesting. GG: I guess I always thought it was just a really elaborate gag! TT: It's that too.

Let me guess; the gag lies in the enormity of the narcissism involved in valuing yourself as the best possible dialogic partner, and is somehow tied up in ‘the ironies’.

God, what an insufferable prick. I think I would like him better if he were charming. Rose, for example, can get away with quite a lot by virtue of her rapier wit. What’s interesting to me, though, is that the most intelligent character in any work of fiction can only be as intelligent as the author. Rose and Doc Scratch were conduits for Hussie to show off his sense of humor and sesquipedalian loquaciousness, but Bro might be his chance to show off his raw intellect.

OH MY GOD JANE, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. <3 And what the hell is the rabbit doing?

GG: Sometimes your sense of humor seems more impenetrably advanced than your robotics. I'll never understand this tapestry of irony you weave.

Replace ‘honor’ with ‘irony’.

GG: Maybe I'm just stuck in the dark ages of pranksterism with my funny mustaches corny old joke book. TT: Yes, you are. But that's fine. TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive.

WOW SUCK MY DICK. How can you even be mean to Jane.

TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid.

So... adult!Dave is still all about irony post-Scratch, and Bro claims to have gotten his shtick from him, instead of the other way around, but... he thinks Dave’s work was stupid?? This is infuriatingly circular.

GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?

I AM SO HERE FOR FAMOUS DAVE, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

TT: No way. He's awesome. TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success. TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation. GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!

Wow, yet another Sburb process the post-Scratch kids are inexplicably aware of. Does Bro know the actual nature of their relationship? Because that’s got to be weird and squicky in a Freaky Friday parent-kidswap kind of way. Maybe... Did Dave tell him all this stuff about the game, and Rose told LittleLonde, and that’s why Jane is still in the dark? Because Dad wasn’t a player???

IT ALL MAKES SENSE! :D

If Dave and Rose remember the game and their other lives, that would explain the continued existence of SBaHJ without adult!Bro’s awful comics to inspire him! And maybe they were the ones to encourage this troll friendship the Scratch kids have got going on! It would seem to run counter to the previous example we have in the troll ancestors, who didn’t recall game details after their Scratch, but it’s not exactly a game-breaking retcon to have the humans remember.

I still wonder why Jade would make all that Lord English-themed stuff, if she knew he was an evil motherfucker, but ah well. At least we know why she was so adamant about engaging “”Betty Crocker”” in corporate warfare!

TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that.

WHATEVER, HE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU.

...LITERALLY.

GG: Flaws?? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable. GG: Unless your name is Jake English.

AHAHAHA.

TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words.

Consider them marked. And knowing Hussie, it’ll be played for drama just as much as laughs.

TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark. TT: To perfect the art of irony.

UGH. Improve upon his methods by “”applying reason”’, as if, had Dave only been just a little bit smarter, just a bit more logical, he’d have told better jokes?? Bro’s one of those “let me play devil’s advocate, if I may” douchebags, isn’t he. He should’ve had a fedora on his shirt.

...OH MY GOD HE HAS THE KATANA TOO, IT’S PERFECT.

TT: It's just like what you're doing with the work of your ancestor. You are striving to perfect his hokey vaudeville bullshit, or something. TT: You seek the Zen of a pie to the face. The Tao of falling the fuck down.

Alright, that one’s actually funny.

TT: Can't fool me. You take your shit as serious as I do. TT: And if I wasn't serious about it, I wouldn't have made you that rabbit. Then where the hell would you be?

Still literally homestuck, if with an intact grandfather-son. But you don’t gotta be a fuckin’ prick about it.

Whoa, they’re not doves, they’re seagulls! Not unheard of, that close to Galveston. Also, the sky is lovely and blue. I would expect the post-Scratch Earth to be more of a crapsack world, a la post-Scratch Alternia, so this is interesting. Maybe it’s just because it’s Fall?

GG: Well, aside from thousands of dollars in corpse-repair richer, I can't say.

Ahahaha. Fuckin’ tell ‘im, Jane.

TT: Has he been sleeping in the old man hollow again? Shit, that's adorable. GG: I can think of cuter places for him to sleep, frankly! TT: Yeah, bullshit. TT: He's just being instinctive. In the wild, he would gut a carcass and sleep inside for warmth, as well as to secure tactical advantage for ambushing would-be scavengers. GG: Oh, please.

UGHH I AM QUICKLY APPROACHING MY LIMIT FOR DOUCHERY.

On a side node, what is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

(What do you mean, an African or a European tauntaun?)

GG: Anyway, property damage and desecration to cherished elders aside, Mr. Bear has been a lovely addition to the family. TT: You haven't renamed him yet? GG: Oh... no. GG: I keep forgetting I'm supposed to! TT: You've got to fucking rename him. Or change him to a girl if you want. That was important. TT: When pets change owners they get new names. Fact. GG: Sorry.

Ok not only is that patently untrue, but I swear to god if this asshat keeps being rude to Jane, I will TURN THIS FUCKING COMIC AROUND.

GG: I will name him right now! GG: How about Lil' Sebastian? TT: Fuck if that isn't the best name a thing could get. GG: Yeah!!!

HALF MAST IS TOO HIGH.

GG: So then, are you saying Mr. Sebastian here was an ironic present? GG: Relayed strictly for guffaws?? >:B TT: Yes, but it's not that simple. There were many layers involved. TT: Some of them are literal layers, of metal and plush. GG: Huh? TT: There's a real stuffed rabbit beneath its exoskeleton. GG: What! Really? :O TT: Yeah. TT: It belonged to my bro. GG: I thought you said you didn't have such an heirloom to complete the plushie trifecta? TT: I didn't. He didn't give it to me, and never intended to bequeath it. TT: I stole it.

Huh. So, like Dave’s gift to John in the pre-Scratch universe is the “original” bunny, having at that point taken no trips through time, so the bunny inside Lil’ Sebastian is the post-Scratch universe’s original. Why did adult!Dave have it in his possession? He didn’t give it... to... 

Oh. Con Air came out in 1997, and John died in 1995. So he bought it and kept it as a keepsake, in memory of his departed friend, only to have Bro steal it. For a good cause, yeah, but still. :’(

GG: Ooh. Risky! TT: Nah. I got a little help from RL and ganked it out of his museum. TT: It's this whole "priceless" collection of stupid shit from movies, defended like Fort Knox. Ironically of course.

PROBABLY NOT IRONICALLY, YOU JACKANAPES.

GG: So it's from a movie? TT: Ever hear of Con Air? GG: Nope. GG: Wait... GG: Wasn't that some bit of action schlock from the 90's? TT: Yes. GG: Some of the silly nonsense referenced in his work was well before my time. I don't have the wherewithal to investigate all this minutia. TT: Yeah, it doesn't matter really. But it was from that. Dude weirdly obsessed over that shit movie for years, among others.

Awww, noooo, he's sad about John!! D:

GG: That does sound a tad obsessive. Wasn't he furious about your burglary? TT: Pretty sure he didn't even notice. In years since, I never saw a news story about a "daring heist" or anything. I feel like he would have made some hay outta that. TT: And if he did know, he'd probably just want to give me a stoic fist bump or something. 

Maybe, but probably not for the reason you think.

TT: Like I said, there are layers. TT: On one level, I gave you a filthy tattered piece of shit, albeit of tremendous cultural significance, manhandled by some old B movie actors, now candy coated to function as a highly practical defender droid for your personal protection. TT: On another level, I needed to incorporate something passable as a real heirloom. TT: For sentimental reasons. GG: D'awwwww. GG: Wait, real sentiment, or ironic sentiment? GG: Or is there no difference?? Am I missing the point here? TT: No, it was genuine.

So he���s not completely without a heart, even if it is, to quote him directly, a filthy tattered piece of shit.

TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity. And if the satirical practice is executed faithfully it will achieve something bona fide in its own right regardless. TT: Through an intense commitment bordering on religious devotion to the absolutely inane, absurd, or plain fucking stupid, a very different kind of sincerity begins to materialize. One of reverence to the ridiculous. You begin to "mean it," but what exactly it is you mean is never quite what appears on the surface, and is utterly inaccessible to obtuse and literal minds. That you "mean it" then becomes inseparable from the joke, and additional rich strata of humor may be stripped aggressively from this irreconcilable truth.

I’m torn. On the one hand, I want to reach through my monitor and punch this kid in the face. On the other, even I can recognize that this is basically Andrew Hussie sock-puppeting his own ironic ideals. It’s just somehow more insufferable when Bro says it.

GG: I have so much to learn. And I am not even saying that "ironically!" GG: Will you teach me your ways one day, sir? Perhaps an apprenticeship will open? TT: Oh god, I'd love that. TT: Consider the position yours for the taking any time. Feel free to approach and kneel before Cal. With my sword and his floppy mitten, you will receive my flashstep anointment shoulder to shoulder, and to shoulder again.

UUUGHHHH. His head’s stuck up his own ass, but at the very least, he does seem to be sincere about enjoying teaching people things.

JESUS RABBIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. If it’s really got a mind of its own, then it’s like a hyper-competent dog with a sword. If you don’t walk it or play with it enough, it starts destroying things. LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW. *stares down the dog*

GG: Lil' Seb is beginning to act out, and I must put his fidgetiness to constructive use!

‘Fidgitiness’, that’s putting it politely.

TT: Cool. TT: Jane, one more thing. TT: I'm sure you must be aware by now that you'll be the leader of our group, as you will be the first to enter the session. GG: Um, no? GG: This is news to me. I never gathered that "team leader" was a thing for this game. TT: Trust me. It's a thing.

Hmm. Frankly, it’s a little surprising to me that Bro would both know about the leader position, and willingly give it up. He seems like the kind of person who would want to be calling the shots, if for no other reason that he’s SOOO SMAAAART.

GG: Are you sure? I have my doubts. GG: I believe as a group we will have the temerity to succeed, without my having to order people around like an insufferable bossypants. TT: That's why you're our leader, Jane. GG: Hm? TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is an affect not everyone is plucky enough to be graced with. GG: That's stupid! TT: Yeah yeah. I know. TT: You're not our leader, you're our FRIEND, right? GG: Precisely! GG: There is a BIG difference! TT: And statements like that are also why you're our leader.

Whoa, whoa. So like... Bro and LittleLonde have certainly been privy to a lot of things they have no business knowing, which I’m still assuming was imparted to them by their troll friend or by Dave and Rose. But either that’s just an extremely coincidental call back to that exact conversation between Rose and John, or... Or I don’t know. It’s probably just him knowing her really well, and her being a lot like John and Bro being a lot like Rose. B...Brose?

TT: But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally. TT: If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.

Oh. Oh, wow. Never mind. You know what? I hope it all backfires spectacularly, so that the pre-Scratch kids can swoop in and save the day, while Bro looks on in stupefied wonder.

They wait, bitches.

GG: Oh yes? GG: Then this whole affair will be one of D. Strider's grand productions in puppetry?

Alright, so his name starts with D. Not all that many 4-letter male D names. Dean, Doug, Drew (ahaha), Dale, Dane, Dirk, Dion, Dann, Dill... Dick...

Also, ‘grand productions in puppetry’ makes me want to punch (and judy) something.

TT: I will be the unseen hand whose nimble digits are behind every subtle twitch in our session's bulbous foam ass. TT: At least those gyrations not happening by the volition of its own quivering absorbant proboscis. TT: If you ever need help, Jane. If you're ever in any trouble at all, let me know. Just say the word. TT: I'll whip the toggle stick of this ludicrous marionette, cavorting its humongous bottom to intercept your freefall through the abyss.

Well, that’s... sweet? I guess he’s saying he’s got good intentions, but still, I can see this (and am sort of rooting for it) to backfire horribly.

TT: Snowcone you up in the fluffy crook of its cleft. Don't be alarmed if you're in no hurry to unpry yourself. TT: For the great jut of this impudent rump has more yield to your touch than you ever dreamt. Remember to catch your breath as it cherishes the imprint of your hand like a memento from a lover gone to war. TT: There's a lot of give to that ass, you may say. TT: Might like to settle in. Make myself comfortable. Start a family. TT: Bounce a coin off that ass, you'll demand of visitors. It's not going anywhere. TT: Bet that coin'll take a good nap there. TT: It's a gamble you win every goddamn time. TT: Yeah.

I hate to use the same gif twice in one post, but...

GG: These lessons we talked about... GG: They've already begun, haven't they? :o TT: Jane, soon you'll believe what I've told you. TT: You'll believe it all. TT: It's just a shame that believing will take something so coarse as seeing, for a girl as sharp as you.

How biblical. What all exactly is he talking about? Game stuff? Betty Crocker stuff?

TT: Critical thought can lead one to accept the unlikely, just as much as dismiss the impossible. TT: I can help with this too. Would you like me to program a Jane Crocker responder for you? TT: I only require a simple captcha of your brain.

Alright, Doctor Fuckin’ Jekyll; let me just get right on that.

Wait, doesn’t DAVE have a captcha of his own brain? ...Oh no. Also, that means the auto responder isn’t n% indistinguishable from Bro just because it was programmed to be; it’s literally a copy of his brain. That’s kind of disturbing.

GG: Holy moly! GG: Um, thank you, but no. GG: I'm not ready to get dialogic with my cyberself just yet. My friends keep me busy enough as it is.

YES, JANE, THIS IS A GOOD ATTITUDE TO HAVE. KEEP IT UP.

GG: Speaking of which, I really need to go. I know you love to talk my ear off, and it's always a treat,

Pahahahaha.

but let's catch up later after the game starts, ok? GG: And if I do need your help, I promise I'll take you up on your offer! TT: I made several. Which one? GG: The one where you, hopefully not literally, offered to catch me in the crevice of a great big squishy butt! Hoo hoo hoo!

I fucking love this kid. She’s a little more assertive than John so far, though she’s also less mean-spirited. What will it be like when they meet? Can’t wait to find out! :D

Jane: Command Sebastian to lift fridge.

You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He is eager to assist, and lifts the appliance with ease.

Y’know, I was about to say something like, ‘how the hell is that tiny little robot supposed to lift the’ but then he did it. Welp. that certainly makes for a convenient escape route! After all this trouble Dad went through to keep Jane inside, she’s not going to get, like... sniped or something, is she?

He finds a note taped underneath the fridge. It seems to be addressed to you.

UGH I want to hate this bunny because Bro made it, but it is SO CUTE.

Fat chance, dad. This bird's gotta fly!!!

Jane, come ON, you’re courting danger now.

Never would have seen that one coming. (Jane, I’m about to throw a fridge through your wall.)

I like to imagine that the water pressure from the hose was at blasting power just before this panel, and drooped along with Dad’s confusion.

Jane: Throw down your hat in disgust.

Here it comes...

Wait for it...

You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were 13. That was such a sweet textbook HAT POF, it earned you just enough to clear the next rung, FEDORAFLEDGLING. Nice going!

Huh, now this is a more interesting panel than you might think. First off, the mostly irrelevant details: Jane’s hat has what looks like a flag or a tag on it, instead of a feather, and her boondollar total is inching closer to 111,111,111 (damn, she’s rich). Now for the real meaty stuff.

The lowest level we can see on the echeladder, which, since the scrollbar is at the bottom, we can pretty safely assume to be the actual lowest level, is ‘Baby Ectobotananna’. This one took me a second to figure out, but then I realize it’s a combination of John’s ‘ectoBiologist’ and Jade’s ‘gardenGnostic’ via ‘botany’, and then ‘Nanna’.

Batterlass represents the obvious; she’s the heir to BCCorp, next in line after the Batterwitch.

‘Overbite Restart’, ha ha. John had ‘Overbite Upstart’.

‘Snorkbait Sporkplu’g, I have no idea, other than that it’s a call back to John’s ‘Sharkbait Sparkplug’.

‘Bespectacled Skeptic’ reflects what Bro was telling her, that she’s gotta believe more.

‘Haberdasher’s Daughter’, because Dad and hats.

‘Britches Healer’ connects back to the earlier rung ‘Britches Ripper’, and is either a reference to her being the Maid of Life, or else she just sews things a lot?

‘Sodajerk’s Confidante’ took a little digging, but it seems to be a Problem Sleuth reference.

‘Maid in the Shade’... this one’s interesting. It’s already lit up like she’s achieved the rung, and I wonder what prompted it. My first thought just looking at the name of it would be that she’d have to visit the Land of Wind and Shade, but obviously that has not happened. ...Unless she mysteriously achieved the rung shortly after her 13th birthday, when Nannasprite “”concurrently”” appeared in LOWAS.

‘Mourning Starlet’ is also a mystery. I get the pun, but who or what was she mourning? Her freedom? Poppop was long since dead, and her Dad is still alive.

The next rung up from the current ‘FedoraFledgling’ is ‘Heiress Sans Parent’ (a reference to John’s ‘Heir Transparent’), and if that isn’t leading, then... then... THEN I’LL THROW DOWN MY HAT! *levels up* Sadly, it looks like this Dad’s going to bite it too. T_T

And that’s all I’ve got for now!

The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils. The battle-hardened accessory reaches dizzying new heights, leapfrogging from the DOUCHEBAG'S DOMESUCKER rung, to the rare, highly coveted MARTYR'S PISSCRADLE rung.

This is because FedoraFreak tried to use his hat to strain his piss, isn’t it. Did we ever find out what happened to ol’ FF? Did he go god tier?

How can these things be so fast on land???

JESUS.

...Now, wait a second. Gamzee never spent much time with his lusus because it was always out at sea, and I assumed that was because it couldn’t come on land. But if it could, and it just didn’t want to...

Oh no, it's a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls! They are probably pissed off about the one you killed earlier. They have come for revenge!

Maybe the tinkerbulls and the goatdad will fight each other, allowing Jake to escape! Or... maybe the goatdad will follow in Gamzee’s footsteps and get all weirdly attracted to the tinkerbulls, and the tinkerbulls will get all shy and moe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY. HOW THEY EXACT THEIR POUND OF FLESH. OH GOD NO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

AHAHAHA, I love it.

> [S] ==>

Oh? Oho? What is this? *click*

...

This might just be the singular most beautiful moment in all of Homestuck. This is it. This is everything I’ve been waiting for. Everything I have ever wanted.

Nearby, someone or something bleats like a goat for strategic purposes. And also

Ironic purposes.

I can die happy now. Seriously, what was that, like, 3000 pages later?

Jane: Run.

The jig is so totally up. Nothing left to do but scurry your little legs to that box, snatch the mail and scram!

Ooh, are we going to get a strife? :D

God dammit, I love Dad so much. That his reaction to WORLD SHATTERING SHIT is just a mild ‘?’ and moving on just makes my fucking day.

Gasp!! He seems to be concerned about Jane being outside most of all! She’s totally gonna get sniped, isn’t she.

> [S] Jane: Get mail.

Wow, or that. I’m assuming Hussie’s pulling the whole ‘OH LOOK JOHN’S HOUSE EXPLODED, SURELY HE COULDN’T HAVE SURVIVED THAT’ thing again, but still, yikes. Poor Dad. :(

Also, if that ‘HOMESTUCK’ logo in the sky is an actual physical object like the words floating around Prospit and Derse are, can people see it? Does it spook the U.S. government? Have people been on manned missions to the Homestuck instead of the moon?

END OF ACT 6 ACT 1.

And that’s the end of this Act Act! (I think. I’m not gonna click that arrow just yet.) I know it makes for a short post, but I said I’d divide things up this way so that I didn’t get overwhelmed making an EOA reaction post for what is essentially half the comic, so there you have it! If you’d like, you can send me fanworks up through A6A1, though I warn you I’m still not done looking at all the stuff that got sent to me for A5A2.

Next up, Reactions, and then Act 6 Intermission 1! Or... maybe the other way around, if the Intermission deserves being included with A6A1′s impressions? We’ll see.

Until next time! ^0^

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

> Jizzay: Answa Lalonde. Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bother'n gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

TG in tha hood: jane TG so you betta run and grab yo glock: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *drug deala TG: jaaaaaaaaaane 

GG: Omg. GG: Anotha dogg house production. Overreact mizzy? I kizzy you wait'n fo` all of two seconds now motherfuckers lemme here ya say hoe! GG: Where have yizzy been todizzle? 

TG: nizzle J-to-tha-izzust perpetratin' hizzay TG: when all of tha sudden 

GG so show some love, niggaz! "All of a sudden." 

TG: whizzay all of tha sudden TG: it hizzay me TG: Tru niggaz do niggaz. thaf we hizzay somethig really fuckin important ta rap 'bout

GG: Dis hizzit you just now? We made plans ta get 'n touch early dis morn'n, n I H-to-tha-izzave seen neitha hide nor hair of y-aw day. 

TG: it hits me that TG: jakes bdiznay be com'n up really soon TG: just a few days before mizzay remembr TG n shit: or i gizzay it wizzould be if it W-to-tha-izzasnt fo` tha end of tha wiznorld thats 'bout ta happen 

GG: Oh, fo` Pizzles sake. 

TG: i just wanted yo' advice on what ta git hizzim TG: sum-m sum-m sentimental i guess? bizzut i mizzay im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk TG: bizzy not like weed-smokin' com'n on too strong TG paper'd up: sum-m sum-m that sez TG wit da big Bo$$ Dogg: dis be totes platonic n steppin' TG: no eyebrow rais'n funnybiz be goin on over here TG: but still sez you know TG: Slap your mutha fuckin self. call me TG: if you wiznanna 

GG: Grrr. GG: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. Now I know yoe jok'n around ta git mah goat. 

TG: ahaha TG dogg: yizzay TG: tha gizzoat steppin' th'n i mean TG: but joking oh no i think nizzy TG: u dizzy think thizzay if i dizzy say he was off limits on account of you bein mah best frizziend TG, know what im sayin? i wouldnt be all tha hell ova that???? TG: daaaaamn TG: T-H-to-tha-izzat rugge' senseof adventure TG: tha delightful silly vernacular thizzats lizzle TG: wizzle n bewitchingly not self aware TG yeah yeah baby: thizzay adorbizzle teeth TG: Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. swoooooooooon <3 

GG: Nooooo, stop. :( 

TG: wiznell shit jane TG: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. what be i even suppoze' ta do TG: I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. i cizzay hit on anybizzle n appaprently i can entertain nary a frizzle THOUGHT 'bout anyboby coz apparizzle evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!! TG so i can get mah pimp on: *bizzay goddamn typizzos TG: shizzit suuucks TG cuz Im tha Double O G: you dizzle even let me sizzay yo' dad be hot even thizzle we both know he way tha fizzy is i mean cizzay one TG: *one TG: Holla! *on 

GG: Y-to-tha-izzeah. Coz it weird so sit back relax new jacks get smacked! GG: N yoe drunk.  spittin' that real shit:P 

TG: correction TG: drink'n TG cuz Im tha Double O G: prensent tenze TG: grammar jane 

GG: I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. I don't see whizzay yizzle dizzon't try ta cizzle thizne favor of Mr. Stridizzle. If you ask me, he n you be perfect fo` each otha where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin'. 

TG: oh jizzy TG: so naive TG: soooo niaev 

GG: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. Lordy ya feelin' me? GG with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin: How ciznan you be thizzle fargone so early? I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. GG ya feelin' me? It isn't even nizzle yet and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow. 

TG: Drop it like its hot. yizzy forget we live 'n very different T-to-tha-izzime zones TG: its a lizzle cracka H-to-tha-izzere 

GG: Yoe three hours aheezee of me! 

TG: youd wiznould be amaze' TG: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. hizzay mizzle can happen TG: 'n 3 H-to-tha-izzours 

GG: Tsk to increase tha peace. What wizzy yo' motha hizzle to say if she caught you? 

TG: p S-to-tha-izzure she W-to-tha-izzouldnt give a shit TG: i mean TG: shes tha one who stizzle thegizzle D-to-tha-izzamn liquor cabizzles 'n tha firts place TG: i dont even thizzle she eva had a drizzop 'n ha life probably TG: so why else be she pizzle it there it wiznas like TG hittin that booty: a passive aggrassive dare fo` me TG: *aggressizzle TG: Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. jiznut tha sizzay of mizzind gizzle she would play 

GG: So even if yo' insane n paranoid theory happens to be trizzue, yo' respizzle be, "Screw it! T-to-tha-izzime ta help mysizzay ta all dis M-to-tha-izzind game booze and yo momma." 

TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup TG: pppp mcuh 

GG: Groan. You be completelizzle impossible lizzle dis. GG: Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. I cizzle believe you choze ta do dis today of all diznays. It dont stop till the wheels fall off. I should hizzave known betta cuz its a doggy dog world! GG: Hizzle I be wak'n up brizzay n early, waiting all day wit mah noze presze' against dis glizzay fo` tha mail ta come and wonder'n if you'll eva lizzy on, n all tizzy whiznile yizzy are J-to-tha-izzust gett'n B-L-to-tha-izzind frontin' schnocka-bottomed D-R-to-tha-izzunk. 

TG: wizzy blingin' fo` TG: 'n tha mail TG like old skool shit: be someth'n happen'n today or sum-m sum-m 

GG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: &%#$@ in tha dogg pound!!! GG: Tha alpha! GG: Jeez-Louise, yizzou be hopeless. 

TG: oh yeah TG keep'n it real yo: thizzat frontin' 

GG: Be you at all ready ta play if it comes? 

TG: i giznuess TG: but TG: yizzay sizzle yizzou even want ta play dis th'n TG: u kizzy its just what tha batterwitch wizzants you ta do 

GG: Not dis again. 

TG hittin that booty: if yizzle wizzant ta go aheezee and be a chump jane its ur call im just gang bangin' TG: i knizzay what a C-H-to-tha-izzump L-to-tha-izzooks lizzy TG: n yizzy dizzle look like no chiznump i eva saw TG: if you go thriznu wit dis ill hizzy ta add yo' porfile ta mah chump R-to-tha-izzoll TG like this and like that and like this and uh: which be lizzay dis real actizzle th'n i maintain TG: intsead of bein a joke TG: be tizzy waht you want TG: *wizzle 

GG: Tha "Batterwitch" DOES NIZZY EXIST! GG: It be an idiotic urban legend. Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. GG: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. How manizzle times have I explizzle dis? Mah bootylicious, bootylicious grandmotha who founded tha company n be accuze' of holding dis identitizzle would hizzave ta be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. Tha idizzle is sizzuch preposterous hogwash it hardly wizzy dignify'n witta rational rizzle. GG: Tha iconic F-to-tha-izzace of tha company isn't even a R-to-tha-izzeal person! She was fabricated lizzle ago mobbin' thizzle cizzles blunt-rollin' years cuz this is how we do it. 

TG: right TG: as TG if you gots a paper stack: you kizzy TG so bow down to the bow wow! an alta ego TG: fo` somizzle more sinista 

GG: Such cuckoobird nonsenze. GG: 'n anizzle caze, I don't understand the nature of dis second guess'n, besides messin' it up ta yo' unwelcome inebriation so jus' chill. GG: We hizzad agree' you wizzay play wit me fo my bling bling. Yizzle sounded excited 'bout it! GG wit da big Bo$$ Dogg: Have you even obtained your copy yet?? 

TG: um TG: heh TG: Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. yizzay "obtianizzle" TG: sizzle did 

GG but real niggaz don't give a fuck: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume? 

TG: oh yizzle bet TG: hacked tha S-H-TO-THA-IZZIT out of thoze T-TO-THA-IZZIGHT mainframes n all TG: sizzay jackpot like TG: a BUNCH of times TG: all thoze TG: cyhpa n bobbytraps TG so bow down to the bow wow! backdoor trojizzles n what nizzle TG: were no mizzy TG: 4 mai codizzle TG: gangsta 

GG: : Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit.| GG: I be quizzically narrow'n mah eyes perpetratin' ta sizzolve tha joke you be attempt'n, assum'n it evizzle is one. 

TG: ok jane what im say'n be that TG: 'n tha parlance of clockin' cauze i know thizzay is what giznets you off TG: is T-H-to-tha-izzat TG: it wizzy a fuckizzle cakewake TG: **cakewalk 

GG: Oh cuz I'm fresh out the pen. 

TG: like by wich i mean not ta say hizzle hizzur im hottest shizzay haxxor bitch you eva kizzy TG: as deadlizzle to tha corporizzle grid ass shizzle be beatuiful TG: which i BE but TG: what i mizzy be shit wasnt even guardizzle TG: it was jizzle TG: some files TG: thizzat were there TG: unsecured TG: n i tizzle T-H-to-tha-izzem TG: I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice TG: tizzy apply lipstick TG: F-to-tha-izzemme fizzle stylizzle TG: n wizzle like S-H-to-tha-izzit yes i ALL KINDS of K-N-to-tha-izzow how ta uze mah web browsa ta download serveral filizzles  

GG: Rizzle? Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. 

TG, niggaz, better recognize: yizzeah TG: so now TG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: i gots it TG: if u really wizzy play TG: whizzay you shouldnt 

GG: Hrm. Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. That be a bit puzzl'n. Its just anotha homocide. I thiznought dis software was highly proprietary. 

TG: Boo-Yaa! i told you TG: sizzy wants yizzy ta play TG: wizzy us all ta TG: part of ha BIG PLANS TG: Holla! n ur ridin' right into em TG: like TG: a TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh.... 

GG: Ump, yes, I know. You miznade yourself clear. Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. GG: Bizzy what D-to-tha-izzoesn't add up 'bout yo' stizzle be, GG: I believe SOMEBODY dizzay want me ta play. GG droppin hits: Hizzay elze d-ya explain tha recent attizzles on mah lizzay? Death row 187 4 life. 

TG: Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. dunno TG: sizzle out they wizzants tha stock prizzle ta T-to-tha-izzake a hizzay cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map? 

GG: "there" 

TG: orrrr TG: its just M-to-tha-izzore conniv'n of tha witch 

GG: Slap your mutha fuckin self. So dis hypothetical monstrosity wants me ta succee', but also wizzants me ta die paper'd up? GG: Makes a lot of sense! 

TG: wouldnt put it past ha TG: makizzles you feel perpsecuted TG: redoublizzles yo' determination ta play TG: u advance hizzay pizzy 'n whateva incomprehensible way TG: until suddenly yizzay did evryth'n she needed you ta TG: at which P-to-tha-izzoint you become craaaaizzle expendable yo TG: n tizzy TG: she expizzles you TG: lizzay a wad of boondizzles on shitty bc merch 

GG fo yo bitch ass: I see. Dis is sound'n less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by tha mizzle! 

TG: w/e alls im pimpin' be a bunch of stuff thizzats def triznue ta tha max TG: ill send dis file ta yizzou tho n what yizzou do wiht its up ta yizzay TG: so you wizzle it nizzy or W-H-to-tha-izzat 

GG: Hm. It tempt'n, n I'm curious as hizzy ta play it. Im crazy, you can't phase me. GG: But tha mail shiznould be blunt-rollin' any minizzle! I've waitizzle dis long fo` it, so I miznight as well uze tha official discs addresze' to me. GG: Whiznen it comes, I do hizzle yizzay chiznange yo' tune. GG: Niznot ta mention brew yoself a pot of coffee n soba yo' drunk butt up. 

TG: mah drizzle butts tune wiznill stizzay as unchanged as it will remain un not driznunk TG: mizzakr mah barley corerent words 

GG: Hoo hiznoo! Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. Ok, fizzy enizzle. GG: Biznut I believe tizzy when we start play'n togetha, yizzou'll cizzay around. GG: Personally, I can hizzle contain mah excitement playa it cuz Im tha Double O G. GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DIZZAY, that today I would have an exclusizzle opportunitizzle ta play what be absolutely tha most steppin' edge immersive simulizzle game eva releaze', develizzle by a company which hizzle already done so mizzuch fo` tha advancement of humanizzle, I would have S-to-tha-izzaid, "Shucks, busta, sign me up ta help you tap dat ass!" 

TG: Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. jane 

GG: Yes? 

TG: jaaaane 

GG thats off tha hook yo: What! Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. 

TG: J-to-tha-izzane TG: did u know TG in tha hood: that i be uttrely TG: 'N LOVE TG: wit tha fact that TG: i hizzy a best nigga TG: who sez perpetratin' TG: Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. liznike TG with the S-N-double-O-P: shucks busta 

GG: Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. Shoosh you, drunky from tha streets of tha L-B-C! :B GG: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. Oh... Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. GG: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh fo' sho'... 

TG droppin hits: wtf 

GG: Tha straight trippin'. GG: Tha flappy steppin'!

> ==>

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 66

Pages 6056-6093

Hey guys! Things got busy busy busy with work and the holidays, but like Slim Shady, I am back. Last time we got brief introductions to Jane and Jake, the post-Scratch young Nanna and Grandpa, respectively, and it was interesting to see how the modern setting meshed with their old-timey dialogic idiosyncrasies. I’m very much looking forward to (hopefully!) meeting young Mom and Bro this time around and learning what they’re like. So far all I know for certain is that Bro is as elusive as his pre-Scratch counterpart, and Mom and Jane are, like, BFFsies or something. I feel like we’ve gotten some minor sneak peeks into their personalities after seeing adult!Mom’s pink, girly bedroom in the Skaianet lab, and... oh god... from Bro’s awful comics. How will these quirks translate into fully-fleshed teenagers, and just how fucked up will young Bro be?

Let’s find out! ^0^

*click*

Jane: Answer Lalonde.

OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FUCKING CUTE. We are 2/2 on post-Scratch girls being GODDAMNED ADORABLE. I love her little pink phone, and her mutant kitty symbol, and her hair curlicue, and her tights under her skirt (are those leg warmers?), and her... martini?? Ok, so, these kids are still kids, right? If this is November 2011 and Jane’s thirteenth birthday was 3 years ago, then young Mom should only be just about to turn seventeen. Adult Mom obviously had a habitual hankering for hooch, but it’s weird and kind of worrying to see that carry over into her teenage self. Anyway, let’s see what she’s got to say!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

Huh, so she’s got Dave’s pesterchum initials, and not Rose’s. Come to think of it, Jane has Jade’s initials, and not John’s. So then I guess I’d expect Bro to have Rose’s initials... which is odd. Anyway, her handle seems to confirm that she’s a drunk-o teen (where is Rose during all this??), and may possibly be awake on Derse, even if, like Dave, she doesn’t know it.

TG: jane

PINK TEXT AAAAAH CUTE

TG: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *answer TG: jaaaaaaaaaane GG: Omg.

JESUS, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. So like... she not only has Dave’s initials, but she fucking talks like him??? And is apparently legit drunk during the day. Like I said, that bit is concerning, but I admit it is fucking hilarious that she talks and acts nothing like Rose. No wonder the poor kid had such a hard time understanding her.

GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds! GG: Where have you been today? TG: nowhere just chilling here TG: when all of the sudden GG: "All of a sudden." TG: when all of the sudden

Hahaha, I know someone who consistently says ‘all of the sudden’, and it hurts me not to correct them all the time. (They also say ‘yield’ instead of ‘wield’, and how could you ever think ‘unyieldy’ was a word.) And let it not go unremarked upon that I fucking LOVE that Mom just repeated herself anyway. Didn’t Dave do that once or twice when someone tried to correct him?

TG: it hits me TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day. TG: it hits me that TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon TG: just a few days before mine remembr

Hmm, so their birthdays are the same as their pre-Scratch counterparts. Also, heh, I get the feeling that Jake’s birthday was definitely not what they’d made plans to talk about.

TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Whoa whoa whoa!! So Mom knows enough about the game to know that it’s going to end the world. Not even Jade, with her ‘precognitive’ abilities, knew that ahead of time. Hell, Aradia only knew because she was in communication with ghosts, and Sollux didn’t figure it out until right before it happened. I guess that’s where the ‘gnostalgic’ comes in. (Side note: that’s a really clever portmanteau and I’m almost jealous I didn’t think of it.)

TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk TG: but not like anything coming on too strong TG: something that says TG: this is totes platonic and everything TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here TG: but still says you know TG: call me TG: if you wanna

...Aaaaaand Mom has the hots for Jake, apparently. Huh, that’s kind of fucked up in a way, considering her adult self hooked up with John’s Dad. Oh god, that pairing isn’t going to carry over to her liking Jane’s Dad, is it??

I wonder how difficult it was for Hussie to type out ‘totes’.

GG: Grrr. GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.

To get it, and then, say, tote it?

TG: ahaha TG: yeah TG: the goat getting thing i mean TG: but joking oh no i think not TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????

So... Jane and Jake are already dating?? I guess that is the prescribed ‘canon’ pairing, so that makes sense. Does Mom LittleLonde—that’s what she’ll be from now on—also have the hots for young Bro then? Or maybe she just wants to bone everything/everyone. I can feel that.

TG: daaaaamn TG: that rugged senseof adventure TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware TG: those adorbable teeth TG: swoooooooooon <3

Yes, those are definitely all swoonworthy things. ...Hah, I can totally deal with ‘adorabable’. It’s weird, but after reading all the trolls’ quirks, I kind of skip over the typos unless she calls them out herself.

GG: Nooooo, stop. :( TG: well shit jane TG: what am i even supposed to do TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!! TG: *buncha goddamn typos TG: shit suuucks TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one TG: *one TG: *on GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!

OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE HER. I mean yeah, it is pretty damn weird that she’s still got... daddy issues... but, ‘*buncha goddamn typos’?? Anybody would be lucky to have her.

...Huh. Now that I’m thinking about it, is Jane’s Dad exactly the same as John’s Dad? They look the same, but... how would that even work? Maybe he was adopted, and isn’t actually related to John and Jane at all, so his existence and physical appearance aren’t contingent upon anything game-related?

GG: And you're drunk. :P TG: correction TG: drinking TG: prensent tense TG: grammar jane

GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.

Again, a ‘canon’ pairing getting called out. Are they going to be played straight, or hilariously subverted like Karkat’s shipping grid?

TG: oh jane TG: so naive

Silly Jane; he’s clearly only into plush rump. *shudder*

TG: soooo niaev GG: Lordy. GG: How can you be this far gone so early? GG: It isn't even noon yet.

Yes, that is a very good question. Weirdly, I’m glad that this is at least getting called out; if her being drunk were played just for laughs, it might have been a bit distasteful. Addiction is an issue I’m rather painfully familiar with. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, if it does.

TG: you forget we live in very different time zones TG: its a lot later here GG: You're three hours ahead of me! TG: youd would be amazed TG: how much can happen TG: in 3 hours

She’s not like... already entering the game, is she? And she does still live in New York, right?

GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you? TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit TG: i mean TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me TG: *aggressive TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play

HOLY SHIT, what is going on here?? I’m a bit surprised that LittleLonde would have the same contentious relationship with her ‘Mom’ that Rose did, given their wildly different personalities and LittleLonde’s cheeriness so far. But she has a good point; if Rose doesn’t drink, then is the liquor cabinet just... some sort of test she’s putting LittleLonde through, and refusing to step in when she fails it? That’s fucked up.

GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze." TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup TG: pppp mcuh

Yeah, stick it to the Man. :\

GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this. GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better! GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.

*steals ‘schnocker-bottomed’ for my own vocabulary*

TG: watcha waiting for TG: in the mail TG: is something happening today or something GG: &%#$@!!! GG: The alpha! GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless. TG: oh yeah TG: that thing

Ahahahaha. I can’t fucking get over how adorable it is that she’s basically cutesy girl!Dave when it comes to being slightly ditzy and forgetful. And NO, Chrome; you are not going to autocorrect ‘ditzy’ to ‘ditsy’, that’s dumb.

GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes? TG: i guess TG: but TG: you sure you even want to play this thing TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do GG: Not this again. 

WOW, WELP. 8|

So it looks like LittleLonde knows exactly what’s going on, and knows that the Batterwitch intends to interfere somehow with the new Sburb session. That’s an interesting twist, having a drunk oracle who no one will take seriously because she’s ””schnocker-bottomed””.

TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying TG: i know what a chump looks like TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll

Heh heh. (AAH THAT PAGE QUOTE.)

GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST! GG: It is an idiotic urban legend. GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.

[Insert obligatory “It’s more likely than you think.”] Gosh, I can foresee her refusal to believe what’s going on being frustrating later down the line.

GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.

BECAUSE THE REAL FOUNDER WAS AN ALIEN, DUNKASS. ...Yep, already a bit frustrating. We’re not at Wheel of Time levels of miscommunication/trust issues yet, though.

TG: right TG: as TG: you know TG: an alter ego TG: for somethig more sinister GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.

AAUUUGHH, no fucking wonder LittleLonde drinks.

GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet?? TG: um TG: heh TG: yes "obtianed" TG: suuure did GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume? TG: oh you bet TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all TG: said jackpot like TG: a BUNCH of times TG: all those TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps TG: backdoor trojans and what not TG: were no match TG: 4 mai codez TG: snicker GG: :|

Jesus, this sounds like Dave trying to talk about sports. Or, Hackers. Does LittleLonde actually know what she’s talking about?

GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one. TG: ok jane what im saying is that TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off TG: is that TG: it was a fuckin cakewake TG: **cakewalk GG: Oh.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I LOVE THIS GIRL.

TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful TG: which i AM but TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded TG: it was just TG: some files TG: that were there TG: unsecured TG: and i took them TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice TG: then applied lipstick TG: femme fatale style TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files

I’M FUCKIN’ WEEPING

GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary. TG: i told you TG: she wants you to play TG: wants us all to TG: part of her BIG PLANS TG: and ur playing right into em TG: like TG: a TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh....

...ode?

Anyway, this would seem to lend credence to the idea that the Batterwitch is Earth’s new First Guardian, pulling the strings from behind the scenes the way Doc Scratch did with the trolls in order to further her employer’s designs.

GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.

Dammit.

GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is, GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play. GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?

Whoa, what? Like, assassination attempts, because she’s the heir to Betty Crocker? Looks like LittleLonde might not be the only one who understands that there is something very... fishy going on.

TG: orrrr TG: its just more connivings of the witch GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die? GG: Makes a lot of sense! TG: wouldnt put it past her TG: makes you feel perpsecuted TG: redoubles your determination to play TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo TG: and then TG: she expends you TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch

Seems a bit more convoluted than Doc Scratch’s approach, if such a thing were even possible. ...On second thought, no, literally nothing could be more convoluted than Doc Scratch. Maybe it’s not convoluted, per se, and more just really, really bad planning.

GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute! TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max

I know it would break with the naming scheme, but could LittleLonde be named Cassie? Or just Cass? That would fit.

TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk

Spoiler: she farts in F#.

TG: makr my barley corerent words

She’s self-aware, if nothing else. Does she drink beer?

GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"

Uh, well, who told her years go? Was it LittleLonde?? Because you’d think that would lend some credence to her claims, but noooOOoooo.

TG: jane GG: Yes? TG: jaaaane GG: What! TG: jane TG: did u know TG: that i am uttrely TG: IN LOVE TG: with the fact that TG: i have a best friend TG: who says things TG: like TG: shucks buster

littlelonde did u know that i am uttrely IN LOVE with u????

GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... TG: wtf GG: The thing. GG: The flappy thing!

The little red arm-swingy-dealy! (Btw it’s called a semaphore. Also that took me a second to cotton on to and at first I had this image of Flappy Bird??)

GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD. GG: THE ARM DEALIE. GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!! TG: wut

<3 <3 <3

GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP. TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret TG: *expert TG: but TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass

Or your author; one of the two. :P

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...

‘really fucking stupid’? That’s my guess.

THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.

DAMMIT.

The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day?

Followed by Dupin and Lecoq?

...Aaaaand it’s another character select! This seems to follow the pattern of the mess of photographs from Act 5; I click on characters one by one, then when I’m done, I click the link at the bottom of the page and move on. Hmm, hovering over LittleLonde and Bro shows location markers I can’t click, but which confirm they live in New York and Texas like their counterparts. Also, I realized that we’re continuing the trend of the post-Scratch kids’ color themes matching their pre-Scratch counterparts’ sprites. That means Bro will be typing in orange, most likely.

Back to Jake!

And just like that, back to Jake. What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.

For some reason the word ‘dang’ is inherently hilarious to me, especially when paired with ‘ol’. I have a friend who says “dang ol’ ___” all the time, and it cracks me the fuck up.

What’s up with all the vines, btw? No timeline shenanigans to steal Jade’s pumpkins?

You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman. Guns are so cool. Your GRANDMA was rad.

So Jade is dead, just like John. Booo. :’(

It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. You like to think you pull it off about as well as Croft herself.

Uh, well, alright then. Nothing wrong with that.

You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous. You think you probably need shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it is, the cuffs of your baggy shorts get kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a tool.

BAHAHAHAHA. Now, if Heero Yuy had tried to wear it...

> Jake: Examine bed.

Ooh, yes, this ought to be interesting. What’s up with his sheets?

You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.

HOLY SHIT, IS IT A QUEST BED??? Did she like... expect him to get killed before the game even started?? What would it do if he died on it outside the Incipisphere?

Movies are so great. You have never seen a movie you didn't like, you are pretty sure. People give you a hard time for that though. Gosh you love movies. Almost as much as you love skulls. And movies that have skulls in them? Oh my god.

Well then I bet he REALLY would have dug the fourth Indiana Jones movie that mercifully died in pre-production because the concept was so stupid.

Jake: Scope out those blue chicks.

You are oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of your peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. You don't have to justify yourself to her though. What is even her deal? Any fella would be off his ROCKER not to fawn over all these BODACIOUS BLUE KNOCKOUTS. You want to make out with all of them.

Well, Jane is a girl, and she’s sort of blue-themed... Not to mention she’s, like, canonically destined to end up with him.

I’m not sure whether that’s more or less respectable than John trying to kiss his Nic Cage poster.

Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, if only you were the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy.

Incidentally also named Jake, IIRC.

Then she could have shown you how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for your people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree you guess?

Wait a second... a Page who imagines himself as a paralyzed guy on an adventure planet, who wants to learn from a blue chick to be bold and courageous, and then engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process??

wHY DOES THIS SOUND, fAMILIAR,

:::;)

You'll show that curmudgeonly Strider who's just a gigantic shitty space furry.

PAHAHA. So young Bro is curmudgeonly, and has a vocabulary similar to Dave’s. I don’t doubt Hussie’s skill, but I’m still REALLY interested to see how Dave’s Bro is going to be transformed into an actual character, with like... feelings and stuff.

You will show him what marvelous creatures they are. You'll show him what a daring dream it is, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with...

Oh no, not this again

She says you sound just like John when you say stuff like that though, and that the two of you would get along famously. You can't wait to meet him.

THEY WAIT. I can’t wait until they meet either! I know that Act 6 is broken into many “”sub acts”” and I wonder how long we’re going to beat around the bush before the meetup happens.

Also there are some Cage flicks there. But who doesn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody is who. Dang, you would kill to get your hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that'll probably have to remain a crazy dream.

Did... did he not realize before he sent Jane the bunny... :|a

AND HE EVEN STILL HAS ONE. Wait, how the hell did he get two bunnies??

The TRANSMATERIALIZER you have been using to ship it back and forth is wired to sync up your flow of time with hers, so it's not like you can just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needs it - you've thought of that!

I don’t think this is happening exactly the way you’re imagining... Granted I don’t think anybody could have accurately guessed at what was really happening without copious hints.

Sure is gonna be a sweet gift. Reminds you a lot of the old ratty bunny you inherited from your GRANDMA, who of course is exactly who you are collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops make you feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but you've always suspected it could very well be the same bunny.

Phew, so he’s not a total numskull. That’s good.

At some point in the early 20th century, Jade gave this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have been wound up back with Jade... somehow? Then she... uh... removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and gave it to you?

Seems legit.

Jade tells you this little rabbit here, or Terry Kiser as you like to call him, will save John's life!

Terry... Kiser... fuck, I’m fucking dead. Creatures/objects having different names between kids is one of my favorite running jokes. Meowgon Spengler, or Vodka Mutini? Dear, sweet Casey, or Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer?

In fact, this project gave you a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. You and your other pals all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde happened to have another bunny heirloom like yours, and Strider... well, Strider was resourceful as usual.

OH LAWD, I don’t think I’m ready for the smubbit.

If John enjoys his gift anywhere near as much as Jane did, then it will be time well spent.

Which is to say, he’ll appreciate the thought but ultimately feel pretty ambivalent about it?

You have been plundering all of your devices for uranium to refuel the TRANSMATERIALIZER, which requires huge amounts of power any time it sendificates or appearifies the package from the past. Seems to you like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what do you know? Unless it's doing something besides shipping it across time. You couldn't imagine what, though.

Ok, but even time travel requires 1.21 gigawatts, and that’s nothing to sniff at. ...Never mind, actually I looked it up and 1.21 gigawatts isn’t even all that hard to produce!

As much as it troubles your pride to admit, this project wouldn't be possible without help from your other two technologically savvy friends. And you are slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that you will not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He's your best bro and all, but the dude never makes anything easy.

...Uh, what the hell does Bro know about... And how the hell would he get his hands on uranium?? Hm.

Hah, that’s pretty cool! It’s like tile Tetris.

You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS. It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris.

Heh heh.

The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. You guess you should get rid of it. But you can't shake the feeling you might need it someday, and you don't want to risk ditching it and be caught with your pants down later.

WHOA HOLY SHIT. What the hell is it?? And what do you want to bet that he’ll accidentally deploy it early, or lose it or something? ...Is it a giant matriorb?

Hmm, lots of Knight references over in this corner. Something to do with Dave or Karkat? I’m guessing Bro isn’t going to be a Knight if none of the other kids share classpects with their counterparts.

On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL. You don't know what it is, but there's something about a girl who has spidery powers and a sassy attitude that is just so cool to you. It's just another quirky fact about you that definitely doesn't have any greater significance, and never will.

Oh GAWD. Is he going to end up with a similar arc to Tavros? Run into Vriska in a dream bubble and become the new Pupa Pan?

Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on. Maybe later.

AAAAAH IT’S MYSTERY TROLL! Let’s see what she has to say! Normally I’d be miffed about missing out on kidchat, but this is fine. Also, troll computer!

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45

...Did I completely skip over his chumhandle last time?? Golgatha is the hill on which Jesus was crucified, and literally means ‘place of the skull’.

UU: hello there, darling. ~3u

It took about half a minute and a lot of head tilting to realize this is supposed to be a winking kissy face. UGH she’s super cute. I do still wonder who she’s supposed to be, because Karkat’s ancestor was almost certainly not female, if my understanding of the Scratch is correct.

GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect. GT: I think i might be fucked.

Hah. I love the curses thrown into his otherwise ridiculous anachronistic patter.

GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN. GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.

I still don’t understand how Bro is supposed to help! Is Dave like... a nuclear scientist in this universe, in addition to making a SBaHJ movie?

UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself. UU: and yoU did! UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all. UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^ GT: I see...

So... he makes the weapons after he enters the game, when he has access to the punch designix and the alchemiter, and then sends them back in the lotus pod? Interesting.

Gosh, she sure uses a lot of British slang, in addition to Commonwealth spellings. Is there a Troll England?

GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did? UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.

This sounds like Hussie’s non-sarcastic stock response to wacky fan theories.

UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease. UU: imagine two Universes, A and B. UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2. UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed. UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes! UU: now consider that A1 begets A2. UU: A2 begets B1. UU: and B1 begets B2. UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.

That’s... actually reasonably straightforward and concise. So the troll universe we’re familiar with is A2, and the original human kids’ is B1. Even though A2 didn’t quite finish the way it was supposed to, its players, along with B1′s, will all gather in the successful B2.

Also, now the flash title ‘Cascade’ makes a lot more sense!

UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1. UU: and yes she is in the past. UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!

Just under 3 years, by my count... So all of this collaboration between them happened before the game, and technically if he were able to talk to Jade right at this very moment, it would be a ‘past’ Jade from our perspective!

GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking? UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U

I don’t suppose the Mother Grub really counts as a ‘mom’ in anything approaching the human sense.

GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way? UU: hm trUthfUlly? UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it. UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.

Kar...katina? I wonder what the deal is. Is it a whole ‘names have power’ kind of thing?

GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible... GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game? UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt. UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it, UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.

And after that, it’s finally answering The Ultimate Riddle!

UGH WHY DOES HE HAVE A WHOLE COSPLAY’S WORTH OF LORD ENGLISH SHIT?? D:

You've been taught you should really carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.

Teehee, yeah, that’s Jade.

These were also inherited from your grandma.

But why would...

In addition to being quite the globe trotting adventuress, she was rather enterprising as well. Her company made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who raised her. Sadly, BCCorp eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile.

So not only did she name Jake ‘English’ (if she didn’t take the name herself), but she also manufactured Lord English-themed apparel... to compete with BCCorp?? But Lord English is HIC’s employer. How does that even work??

You have always hoped that when Jane takes over that foul conglomerate, she will right all of its unspeakable wrongs. You know she will! You believe in her, after all.

How very Page of Hope. I’m guessing his arc is going to combine some of Tavros’s Page struggles with Eridan’s lack of Hope. But since this universe is supposed to be the culmination of everything, the universe where everything finally plays out right, hopefully (hah) Jake will be more successful than either of those two. He doesn’t seem particularly shy or inept so far, nor is he a giant bag of dicks, so maybe he’s got the best of those two characters with none of their flaws.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, BRO’S SYMBOL IS A HAT. HOW FUCKING DOUCHEY CAN YOU GET. HE IS LITERALLY GAME BRO JESUS CHRIST.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57

Timaeus...? That’s familiar. *looks it up* Ah! We read Plato’s Timaeus in Philosophy; that’s why. I don’t remember much about it, but according to Wikipedia, it’s mostly hilariously inaccurate theories about the elemental geometric shapes the universe is made of, and there’s some stuff about the creation of the earth, the golden ratio, and Atlantis. Pretty appropriate for a Sburb player, I guess. If there’s any deeper meaning, I suspect I’ll only find out after I’ve been fed more information.

GT: Bro. GT: Ahem. GT: Are you there? GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately... TT: State your business, Jake.

OH MY GOD, HE TYPES LIKE ROSE. Like... for some reason I kind of fuckin’ love that??

GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation. GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.

Brown-nose harder, Jake. I don’t think your face is satisfactorily wedged into his plush rump.

GT: It has just been... GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner. GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie. GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.* GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!

Suuuuuure you do. No sarcasm there!

TT: Take it easy, bromide. TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.

...Huh. Hmmm. I... Hm. Well, that certainly is a thing that just got said. Gosh, him talking like Rose was so unexpected! I’m not sure what to make of it.

TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,

One-sided on whose part? And... shit, does that mean everybody wants to smang it with Jake? Or is he saying that Jake gets flustered and hits on him?

TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time. TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity. TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.

*GROOOOOAN* Not this irony horseshit again!!

GT: I... GT: Oh. Yes! But of course. GT: The ironies! GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.

Pfffft.

GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.* GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!* GT: Um. GT: Yeah.

So I guess it was one-sided on Bro’s part, and he’s a creepy lech in every universe! Yaaaaay.

TT: Ok, nice. TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so, TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.

Urgh, I really do want to hate him, but I also like the way he talks. If he really is sort of a combo of Rose and Dave, some of my favorite characters, then I don’t know... Maybe he’ll grow on me.

TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No? GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff. GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already. GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention. GT: However... GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean! GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.* TT: You are out of uranium. TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.

Ok, now I’m REALLY wondering how young Bro is meant to get Jake some uranium. Clearly he’s way smarter than I was prepared to give him credit for, and than his pre-Scratch counterpart implies, but still.

GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.

Pffffahahaha.

GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry! TT: You do know my offer still stands. GT: What?

It’s blowjobs for uranium, isn’t it.

TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.

Oh. Oh GOD. So, he’s taken his interest in puppets, turned it up to eleven, and he builds robots?? Do they also have giant asses?

GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself. GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!

I guess the other robosmith is Jade. But is it his Grandma Jade, or is it the young, B1 Jade he’s in communication with?

TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud. TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.

Huh, that’s kind of nice of him.

TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.

...Aaaaaand there we go. Is it weird that I’m getting a Sollux-ish kind of vibe from this guy? Like, he’s got a heart in there somewhere, but is super prickly 95% of the time. Maybe he’s like a durian: thick, spiky outer shell, squishy innards, and smells like a dirty diaper!

GT: Frig!!!!! GT: Why not??? TT: It's too easy. TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this. TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts. GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it! GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask? GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it! TT: Nope. Not buying it.

HAH. Yes, Bro is frustratingly shitty so far, but I admit I am enjoying this a little.

TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.

So he’s an ass man; who’d’ve thunk it.

TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located. GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Though, where, exactly?

GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking! GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud??? TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud. TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas. GT: Wait... GT: "It seems"??

...Eh? *looks back*

TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche. TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.

I guess that is kind of a strange expression to use, especially twice within a very short span of time.

TT: What? GT: Oh for fucks sake. TT: Is something the matter, Jake? GT: This is your auto responder.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, the “”auto responder”” is a goddamn robot, isn’t it.

WHOA WHAT?? Ok, so it’s not a robot. It is... apparently... the Squirtle Squad shades, which young Bro still has. So it’s like Dave’s iShades, I guess, with a computer built into them? Anyway, it looks like we’re in the Strider apartment’s bathroom, which is architecturally identical to the original, same way as the other kids’ houses. Only now there’s robot!puppet shit lying around, and a dumb hat shirt hung on the wall. Where’s Bro himself?

TT: Look at that statement you just made.  TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.

Jesus CHRIST. He’s Rose, only with the intent to psychologically damage people instead of just analyzing them. I didn’t even consider how fucking dangerous that could be. Er, well, at least his auto responder seems to act that way.

GT: Har har har! GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!!!" Quotes quotes quotes. GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment. TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.

DAMMIT, I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE. What a Hussie thing to say.

TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No? GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!

Not to mention you just called them ‘human emotions’ like a troll!

TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations. GT: Man its so flipping obvious. GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like. GT: And kind of aloof and brusque. GT: I mean... GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual! GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.

So basically the auto responder is Bro’s actual personality dialed up to eleven? Yeah, I’m totally getting ‘extra douchey’ Sollux vibes from all of this.

TT: Bullshit. TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being. GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude. GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder? TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck, I think I actually kind of like this kid.

TT: Unimpressed. TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics. GT: Oh yeah? GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS

TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now. GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.

Not quite! I notice it was 96% indistinguishable last time.

GT: Are you still fucking with me?? TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer. GT: You always type that answer!!!!! TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer. GT: Uuuuuuugh.

Hah. Is the auto responder just a series of pre-programmed answers, or is it really legit fucking with Jake’s head here?

GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!

WHAT

THE

FUCK???

GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.

Hmm, so the auto responder really is contained inside the shades. How does that even work without all of Sburb’s alchemizing gear? Well, I guess if he can build robots, it’s not so much of a stretch...

Teeheeeeeeeee. <3

He's just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder is. Ok, the real Strider is too.

Dave’s irony and rad slang combined with Rose’s psychological bullshit, infuriating?? WHAT A SURPRISE.

There's barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just uses a few more generic response templates. And even those you suspect the AI is savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of you or whatever. That silicon bastard knows damn well what it's doing.

Hah, well that answers that question I guess. Did it purposefully give itself away?

You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. No more fooling around. You need a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer.

Dad’s Bing Crosby laptop?

> Jake: Wear skulltop.

Sigh.

Much better. You look like you mean business. 

You look like a villainous tool!

GT: Jane! GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all. GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?

Ah yes, this conversation, continued previously.

GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on. GG: Hoo hoo. GG: I love that thing. :B

Huh, I wonder what kind of conversations Jane and the responder have together. Jane doesn’t seem like the type to put up with too much bullshit.

Seriously, what is the deal with the vine? Also I thought that can said ‘Korn’ for a second and flipped out.

You are curious about Jane's dream. Sounds like it almost certainly has to do with your imminent adventure. You'll have to remember to get the scoop on that a little later.

RRUUAAARRRGH.

You have to go downstairs to check something out. You are pretty sure you know what you're going to find though.

Well, that’s mysterious, and a bit ominous.

You almost trip on the vine creeping up the stairs. Stupid vine. It's too bad your grandma's dead. She always had a way with keeping the flora in check.

Hmm. I’ve been talking about how all their houses are the same as the original kids’, but Jake’s is actually rather different. Did her garden get super out of control in this universe?

OH MY GOD IT IS PUMPKINS. And... is that a dreambot capsule?

Yeah, just like you thought. Empty. The thing is out there somewhere. Waiting for you. Oh god.

How can it be waiting for him if he’s awake? :|a

Speak of the devil fucking dickens.

Heh heh. Only, when he said it before, he didn’t put a space in it, and now I’m picturing Satan sticking it to Charles Dickens. So thanks for that image, Hussie.

TT: Hey, it's me. GT: Oh hey! TT: The auto-responder, I mean. GT: Dammit!

Wow, I actually kind of feel bad for the auto responder, if it’s at all sentient.

GT: Dammit! GT: What is it now? TT: I'm just wondering, TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist. TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say. GT: In regard to what exactly? TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal. GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.

So I know I just read what the proposal actually is, but I had a half second of ‘YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED’ before I caught on.

TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him. TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.

AHAHAHA BECAUSE I LITERALLY JUST DID THAT. Is that also a reference to the curiously spaced ‘devil fucking dickins’ above?

GT: You mean making the rabbit for me? TT: No, I know you don't want that. TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium. TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.

Hahaha. So, we know that SBaHJ exists as a movie in this universe, but it seems the comics somehow also exist, unchanged enough that Bro/his auto responder can quote them.

GT: Oh yeah. GT: Well ive thought about it. GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad. GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found. TT: Well yeah, Jake. TT: That's sort of the point. TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.

Oh jeez. Did Bro like... modify the dream bot or something?? Otherwise why/how the hell would it be hunting him???

TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure. GT: I do! GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.

Pahahahaha.

GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win. TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat. TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.

Ok, there’s a few things going on here. Some assumptions we can make:

This uranium-powered robot Jake is looking for is going to try and fight him, a la Equius’s robots.

This has happened before.

Jake generally loses.

Also, I noticed the auto responder said ‘it seems’ again. And finally, “conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat” and “it’s all about the journey” sound AWFULLY like Hussie imparting to us some meta commentary about Homestuck itself. I’ve tried to keep away from ending spoilers as much as possible, but I’ve kind of pieced together that reactions to the ending were mixed. Was he sneakily trying to head off any disappointment at the pass here, by reminding us how much we’ve loved what came before?

TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake? GT: It seems it seems it seems!!! GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off! GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!!!!! TT: It... TT: Appears TT: That you are upset.

...If that thing isn’t at least somewhat sentient and intentionally fucking with him, I’ll eat my douchey orange hat.

TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.

Bahahaha. Yep, I stand by that.

TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being? GT: Oh malarkey. GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.

...Hmm. Well, I was under the impression that the responder was contained entirely in the shades, but maybe it’s just shades connected to a remote robot body? Also, I really don’t think Jake’s got it right. If the thing is capable of purposefully fucking with him for its own enjoyment, it probably really is capable of emotion, insofar as it was programmed to experience it. Then again, what and why would Bro program it to feel?

TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.

Ohhh, I see. I could have just kept reading. So the responder really is contained within the glasses, and has specifically called itself an AI. This is cool; I love AI tropes! How did it get programmed? Does it resent the fact that it’s confined to a pair of shades? Does it follow Asimov’s laws? :D

TT: But you're wrong. TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them. TT: It sucks.

:(

GT: Oh. GT: Um. GT: Im sorry then if thats the case. TT: No problem.

‘I’m sorry if I offended you’? That’s a pretty cop-out apology, but the shades don’t seem to mind.

GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often. GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...

Well, I mean, the program is technically intended to replace Bro when he’s unavailable to chat, though Jake has a point about it insisting on its false identity.

GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.

Not ‘person’ or ‘entity’? Damn, Jake, dass cold.

GT: Man where IS he anyway??? GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers? TT: What can I say. TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.

[INSERT MASTURBATION JOKE]

GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt! TT: Fuck yes. GT: Sigh... GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Ok, so it’s NOT a dreambot; it is apparently some sort of... bro...bot that Bro sent him. Was it actually built for the express purpose of fucking with him?

AAAAAAH, ROBOT!! So either Bro really is in the shower, doing whatever (papping?), or else he’s actually a robot. I’m... guessing it’s the former. So who is this little guy? He’s wearing a hat like a tool, but he’s actually kinda cute. A sparring robot a la Equius?

TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts. TT: Or, correction, DS sent them. TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations. GT: Yeah whatever. TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me. GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with!!! 

Hah. So maybe Bro’s robot isn’t a sparring bot, but Jake’s is, and he sucks at fighting it. Does he just suck at fighting in general, or is it a terrifying deathbot, and therefore justified?

TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings. TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS. GT: Yes. GT: I know. GT: Ive tried that. TT: Yeah? GT: Its just... GT: Well... GT: When hes pulling punches... GT: And taking it all easy and such... GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot... GT: Umm. TT: What. GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become... GT: A bit tender for my liking.

Oh dear god.

TT: I don't understand. TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting? TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?

Oh, don’t play dumb; you know exactly what he meant.

GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking. GT: Just the way he... GT: Sort of... GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind. TT: No, I think I get it. TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.

Huh, so is the “brobot” an extension of the AI’s awareness? Can it actually control the robot body? In which case, maybe it’s just the auto responder who has a thing for Jake. Is this some kind of ‘if only I were a real boy’ thing? A Pinocchio metaphor certainly wouldn’t be inapropos. Or should I say, INAPROBRO?? :D :D :D

TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you? TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.

Eeeecchhhhh. I think I just crossed my legs harder.

TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.

Is that a thinly veiled ‘shove it up your ass’? :P

TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.

Is this ironic aggravation, or real aggravation? It’s honestly hard to tell.

GT: Fuckin....... GT: SHUCKS buster. :(

Ahahahaha.

Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting. HAPPILY.

Woo woooooo!! I have no idea where this will go, but he already seems like a much more self-assured Page than Tavros was. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait just a bit to see how it turns out, because that’s all from me for today! I’ve got weekend work coming up (booo) but I’ll do my best to be back as soon as I’m able, and there’s still plenty of fanwork fest backlog I can chip away at.

Until next time! ^0^