#looking back it's so unbelievable for me how I didn't realize it sooner bc my worldview and feelings were so obviously aro

[yurislava]

i just realized one year ago today i realized i was aromantic

[supportivespaceforsurvivors]

tw: potential (c)sa, parental abuse, sex ment

[also: i sent this ask to the old advice blog but it was not recovered ig. i took 5 screenshots of my ask before i sent it but have been unable to fully extract the text from them. however i have now done so and added a tiny bit more. this is my biggest concern, and i checked the old blog every few hours at least for 2 weeks anxiously awaiting a response. it's ok if y'all can't get to this obv, but i feel like saying that i would really really prefer that this be answered sooner rather than later as i have been wanting a response to this since the moment i first sent it a month ago...]

i'm wondering if some things my dad did when i was a teen was actually csa. and am wondering if i have repressed memories of other contact csa from him because... around that time, i also started having the worst nightmares in which he would physically sexually abuse me, and have had them ever since- they have reoccurred for years and have been my only reoccurring dreams. i have wondered if he'd done something i couldn't remember... I started racking my brain for memories of that age recently (im 20 now), and realized some other non contact things he did could've actually been csa.

- when i was 15, me (afab) and my afab boyfriend would have sex in my room when he'd come over now and again. we'd sometimes lock my door but usually not as my parents would think that meant we were doing stuff (and i thought my dad would get mad)... it was still kinda obvious, but at least not that blatant ig... anyways. my dad would always knock on my door when we'd be doing stuff, for various reasons, and every single time he'd open the door and look directly at us in the eye. we'd rarely have time to get ourselves decent again, so we usually kept tops on. sometimes though we didn't and he even would do this when we were under the blanket with no clothes. it was obvious what we were doing but he still fucking did that. i had no privacy. now just the thought of looking him in the eyes, of even seeing his face, makes me want to scream and do violent things to him. [also nobody bothered to tell me how to do sexual things safely, which i'm now realizing was probably also neglect and maybe also SA. I was 15 and knew nothing...]

- he also drove me home from school everyday and shout/curse at me the entire car ride. my stepmom always came home hours later than we did, so he and i were alone then. everyday i'd run straight to my room as i was under an unbelievable amount of anxiety/distress constantly back then every moment of my life and needed time to be alone etc... he would every time follow me and come up to my door and start shouting again and bang on my door. eventually/soon he'd get too angry at talking to a door with no response ig and force his way in. i couldnt lock it bc he'd get that much worse if i did. when i did start locking it though, i'd sit there and always listen to him work it open for 30-60 sec. i didnt want him to fucking come in, so sometimes i would say "dont come in, im changing!!!" to stop him, but he almost always came in anyways. sometimes i would actually be changing then, bc it was after school and i wore a binder and pants etc... I always did so in my closet out of his sight because my privacy was never guaranteed. he never asked to come in just forced his way in without my consent. even if i said i was changing, even if i actually was changing. again, i was a small teen and he was an adult man and nobody else was around to stop him from doing literally anything he desired.

- he would constantly make a point of violating my personal space around then just bc he could bc he was the adult i was the kid and "you dont tell me what to fuckin do. ill do what i fuckin want." he'd stick his bare dirty feet inches from me on the couch when i had nowhere else to sit and he still chose to lay down flat, and when i sat on the chair next to the couch he'd put his feet up on the sides of the chair in my face. he also stuck his elbow far onto my side of the car everyday always, despite me asking him to move it so i didnt have to fear him touching my arm. [i'm also autistic and have an extreme touch aversion, even before he knew i was autistic he knew this was an issue i had and greatly distressed me. he knew i had anxiety, ptsd, and depression and was in therapy for years.] [also it may be worth mentioning that i am more averse to touching him than any other human being ever. i haven't been able to hug him or say "ily" or aaaanything since before he took me in 7 years ago. he makes fun of me for yelping, screeching, etc whenever his arm brushes up against me for example. and fucking STILL touches me occasionally on purpose to get a rise out of me and then make fun of me. or touches me and pretends like it was "on accident" when i think he just wanted any excuse to touch his child, who has been utterly disgusted by him for nearly a decade...]

i still live with him (although am currently staying with a friend because i needed to get away from him; im terrified to go back tbh...). hes slightly better now but i still am extremely traumatized by him (he did MUCH MUCH more but this is just the personal space/potential SA things). i hate this. anyway. i know this is all not ok and was abuse. i also know i could Not be repressing more csa memories, i don't need to be told that. (nor do i want advice on how to cope with any of this.) my main concern is that: was any of this csa? could i have also been sexually abused in a contact sense and repressing it too? the nightmares affected me so much and were so vivid always. they could just be symbolic of him invading my privacy but its fucking weird that its always specifically sexual (contact) and again reoccurring for years.

Hey anon. I'm sorry it took so long for us to answer this. Originally a different mod claimed it and then everyone's lives got super busy and by then they realized they didn't really know how to.

What your dad did definitely sounds like a violation of your privacy and emotional and verbal abuse.

When it comes to your bolded question: It's possible that some of his behavior had sexual connotations to it, but we weren't there and without having been there it's really hard to tell you if it was abuse or not, because these things aren't as cut and dry as we sometimes hope they are.

It's possible that you were sexually abused by him and are repressing it, but ultimately there's no way to know for sure if you are repressing something unless you remember it, and we aren't in a position where we can tell if you are repressing something.

I would highly suggest you talk to a professional about this if you are able.

Good luck,

Mod Devyn