#look my general thought was “sure women might’ve had discomfort if they tried to go about their daily lives without corsets

[marzipanandminutiae]

Wait, it’s actually NOT especially likely that habitual corset wearing without core strengthening exercises can contribute to muscle weakness?

While this is good news for me as someone who does enjoy wearing a corset often, I can no longer call the final showdown in Crimson Peak “two women with the abdominal strength of tagliatelle fighting to the death“

Comedy L there

[a-woman-apart]

Advocating for Myself as a Patient

A/N: This post will contain statements about medication and dosages as well as diagnoses and diagnostic criteria. This post is not meant to serve as medical advice. If you are having any issues with your medication, it is important to consult your medical professionals for advice. If you are experiencing an emergency, scroll to the bottom for emergency information.

Okay, it’s story time.

For a little background, I will mention the different tools I use for tracking my symptoms. The most recent tool I picked up was recording voice diaries on my phone; I record these and listen to them back, and it gives me a sense of how my mood changes through the day. Another tool I utilize is journaling in a private written journal, and to a lesser extent writing these Tumblr posts. I also record cravings, mood shifts, and physical symptoms in my Clue App, which is a free app I use for tracking my menstrual cycle.

My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, but my original diagnosis was bipolar I with psychotic features. There is a lot of overlap between the disorders, but I feel like the schizoaffective diagnosis encourages a more liberal and centralized use of antipsychotics as a part of the treatment plan. I am willing to accept, though, that I may not be fully correct on this, because antipsychotics/neuroleptics may be utilized in bipolar I with psychotic features as well (this was confirmed by my psychiatrist). Here is a list of all the antipsychotics that I’ve been prescribed—that I can remember.

Seroquel

Risperidone

Invega

Abilify

Seroquel and risperidone both caused appetite changes, fine tremors, and extreme lethargy. When I expressed a desire to be removed from them, I was placed on the Invega injection. Invega was quite effective—for years actually— but it had the unfortunate side effect of causing an irregular menstrual cycle. This is because most antipsychotic medications simulate a hormone known as prolactin, and this is a hormone involved with pregnancy in women (and can cause breast development in men). Over time, my prolactin levels became elevated and it all came to a head when I bled for 40/50 days during a 2-month period. This was the opposite of the usual period scarcity that occurred with it before. I was removed from the Invega. I went to my PCP (Primary Care Physician) and was placed on birth control to re-regulate my cycle.

To replace the Invega, I was placed on an atypical antipsychotic known as Abilify. Abilify is associated with less severe elevation of prolactin levels. I was placed on an extremely small dose of 2mg, to be taken at night. I noticed favorable results for a few weeks, with my sleep cycle regulating. I would wake up early and feel rested.

However, this underlying anxiety started to creep in. I felt ill at ease at even familiar situations, such as at work and with regards to school. Even though I can no longer remember—and don’t have exact records of how much this coincided with the discontinuation of Invega and the introduction of Abilify—my Clue app says that I marked “stressed” for my mood every day except once since May 13th, 2019. I am incredibly grateful to have that evidence. This tells me that my symptoms began to be bad about a month ago.

It is important to note that during this time, I was also on two other medications: 900mg of lithium each night for mood-stablization and 37.5mg of Effexor (Venlafaxine) every afternoon for depression relief. I had been using the Effexor to improve my depression symptoms, and while I had noticed a slight uptake in anxiety around when I started it, it leveled off (or so I thought) as the time went on. This will be important later.

My anxiety first started as a kind of discomfort and general irritability and impatient feeling. I was seeing my main psychiatrist regularly, but I ended up seeing a different one when I went for a follow up. The new psychiatrist was pretty understanding, and she also warned me that if I started to experience anger or anything out of character that I should come back in and increase the Abilify. What psychiatrist B told me was in line with what psychiatrist A had said before, and I was skeptical, but I agreed to follow her instructions.

The reason I was skeptical was because even though the Abilify was helping me with sleep, I did feel more on edge since taking it. I agreed, though, because I was not sure if it was the addition of Abilify or just the withdrawal from Invega that was causing my symptoms. Having been on birth control for a month at that point and knowing that that could also affect mood, I was open to just trying what the doctors recommended.

I tried to be patient, but I noticed myself getting a lot worse, starting about 2-3 weeks ago. I felt more emotional and less stable. I began to feel like crawling out of my skin. I would have to consciously control my breathing. Looking back, I can see that I was beginning to have anxiety attacks, but I did not understand what they were.

I tried everything within my power to control my symptoms. I had previously starting exercising regularly, being more conscious about my diet, and getting more sunlight and fresh air. I walked literally miles every week, and sometimes I would walk just to try to control the anxiety. I went back to doctor A and he increased my Abilify. Now in addition to the 2mg I took at night, I was to take 2mg in the morning.

The first day(s) after the medicine was increased, I had horrendous migraines/tension headaches. I could feel literal knots in my neck, and I remember having to massage them out when I came home from work that day. I believe that it was around that time that I also began to have some gastrointestinal symptoms that would only continue to worsen as time went on. Some mornings I would wake up feeling like a gremlin was trying to knife its way out of my abdomen and I would have to rush to the bathroom. I felt nauseous all the time, and sometimes I could only have toast and tea in the morning or a smoothie because I couldn’t stomach anything else.

Meanwhile, the mood lability worsened. I literally went from laughing to crying within the space of thirty minutes. I would have mood diaries where I was rambling at top speed, and then others—within the same day— where I spoke painfully slow. I felt anxious, energetic, and optimistic all at once, while at the same time feeling tired, irritated, despondent, and feeling as though I wanted to jump out of my skin. I had racing thoughts and flight of ideas. I felt like I wanted to escape myself, while at the same time feeling derealized and outside my body. It was the most uncomfortable, disconcerting, and dysphoric sensation I had felt in a long time—if ever.

While this was happening, I knew something was very, very wrong. I kept telling my boyfriend that I didn’t feel right. I kept trying to explain that I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts, while at the same time wanting more desperately than anything to live. I told him that I wanted to go to inpatient because I felt like I wasn’t safe with myself. He was able to calm me down enough to stop me from checking myself into the hospital. He was convincing, alright, but a big part of why I didn’t go was because my clothes weren’t clean, and it was almost too late to go to the laundry mat. I was planning to pack a bag so that I could wear what I wanted at inpatient.  

Before you criticize his decision to stop me, please note two things;

A)     The hospitals in my area are all trash

B)     Even if I went as a voluntary patient, if they decided I was a danger to myself, they could keep me indefinitely, and that might’ve caused me to lose my job

I think my boyfriend had assessed the situation—including realizing that it was Sunday and I could go to my clinic as a walk-in on Monday— and just had more faith in me that I had in myself. I felt like I was completely losing control of my faculties, and he saw that I was speaking coherently. Let me tell you, it is an awful feeling to feel like you’re going crazy and everyone is just like, “You’re fine.”, because even if you know they are right, you still have this pervasive feeling that you cannot be trusted. Even though my health and safety are much more important than any job or anything, I think my boyfriend knew I was having an anxiety attack and didn’t want me to behave rashly.

We will call what happened the next day, “visit one”. At this point, I am sleeping less and less, which is the #1 indicator that I am going to have a manic episode. I am now starting to panic even more because I know that once I’m fully manic, I’ll be totally delusional, and it will be too late to dial it back. I am at the clinic within minutes of it opening, so I can speak to psychiatrist #3 quickly, even though I am coming in as a walk-in. She is warm and welcoming, and I liked her instantly. I am talking to her as fast as I can, trying to explain my symptoms—especially the anxiety—she is furiously taking notes and nodding, and she goes, “Don’t worry, I’m going to prescribe you something.”

She ended up prescribing me Hydroxyzine, which is an antihistamine (think Benadryl) at 10mg to be taken up 3 times daily. I took the medicine once I got home, and then I called in to work because I still felt incredibly sick to my stomach, and I wanted to be sure this medicine wouldn’t make me too drowsy to function (it pretty much did).

I continued taking the medicine for a few days. It did not fully help with the anxiety and mood instability; it just made me too sleepy to fully respond to them. The “edge” was still there. The sleeplessness was getting worse. The nausea was getting worse, despite psychiatrist #3 saying that the Hydroxyzine would help with that.

At this point, I was so desperate, I felt justified in going to my PCP on Thursday. This was “visit two.” I wanted to see if the birth control could have been causing some of my symptoms, and I felt like if I got more information, I could have something more concrete to give to my psychiatrist.

It is important to note that I now always take detailed notes to all my doctor appointments. I detail my symptoms and the questions I need to ask. Doctors do have a tendency to interrupt and not fully hear what I am saying, but the notes at least help us to stay on track and provide some foundation to the visit. It is much more helpful to be able to proactively tell them exactly what is going on, than it is to just wait for them to ask from a generic list of questions that may not cover everything I am experiencing. So yes, I am “that patient”, but my health anxiety is so intense that I want to cover not just what is wrong but also phantom other things that could even possibly be wrong just so that I get everything I can from the visit. I do not want to go away saying “I wish I had asked about X.” I would rather ask too many questions than not enough.

My doctor—who is awesome, by the way— consulted with her superior and then told me that they did not believe that it was the birth control. It was then that I remembered that I had already been on the birth control for over a month before these symptoms started, and symptoms would not approach out of nowhere. The birth control was doing its job of regulating my periods, and it was even possible that the hormones were helping—rather than hurting— my mood. My doctor then recommended a probiotic to deal with my gastrointestinal issues and told me to talk to my psychiatrist about the Abilify.

Fast forward today—Friday— and I am back at my psych clinic before it even opens. I have already decided that I want to see either psychiatrist #1, #2, or #3 and I do not want to see anybody new. Psychiatrist #2, who usually does Friday walk-ins is out on vacation and my heart sinks a little. So, I ask if, even if I have to wait longer, can I please see #1 or #3 and the front desk girl tells me that she will try her best, even though it isn’t their policy.

I once again only wait a few minutes before being called back, and who Is it but #3! She was like, “You’re back!” but she seems genuinely excited to see me. I update her on how the Hydroxyzine has been working and tell her that I’m still anxious. I explain the mood lability and wanting to jump out of my skin. I told her that my sleep patterns were worsening. She tells me that Abilify is a good drug and it is a small dose, but it isn’t for everyone. She had begun to recommend an anti-anxiety medication but hesitated.

Then my dramatic ass decides to read the “statement” I had prepared for her (or whoever would’ve seen me that day).

Here is that statement:

“Please help me. I know I come to you seeming very together, but my symptoms are overwhelming, and I need help. I plan to start attending groups here at ___________. I am doing everything I can. I do not want to take another antipsychotic. I believe I have been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, because my psychotic symptoms have always been accompanied by mood disturbances. I believe my previous diagnosis of bipolar I with psychotic features is the correct diagnosis. I also believe I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.”

That was when she went on to tell me that they still used antipsychotics for bipolar I with psychotic features, but that we could reduce the Abilify back to just 2mg nightly if that would make me feel better. She inquired a little about how I came to be diagnosed schizoaffective, but she did not address the possible GAD yet (I will definitely bring it up again if anxiety persists). Then she said she would discontinue the Effexor, because she made the connection between how antidepressants could cause mania. She said, “You’ll feel much better- trust me.”

As I had said, the Effexor would be important later. In all my calculations, I had never made that connection. I said, “Even though I was taking it all this time?” and she said, “Yes.” She also told me that I could discontinue it without tapering off because I was still at such a small dosage. She did not use the term “mixed mania” but when I mentioned the sleep disturbances was when she finally determined, “this is mania.”  

Finally—and this is the climax— she increased my lithium from 900mg to 1200mg. I would take one 600mg pill capsule in the morning and one at night (rather than taking both at night). It was still morning, so she told me I could begin taking the drug immediately.

Y’all, let me tell you, I feel a little drowsy/out of it, but just from that one pill I feel so much better. Yet it took literally 2 weeks of advocating for myself and 4 doctor visits to get to right now. I made it. I have always said that lithium is the only medication that I feel really works for me, and it also has the lowest side effects for me. The only thing that I can point to is excessive thirst, and that just means I carry water with me everywhere daily. That is a small price to pay for mental health.

I did end up calling in to work today—because of my stomach, but also because of being exhausted and trying to adjust to the lithium— and I’m just trying to take it easy. Honestly my stomach feels much better now that I am not a living ball of anxiety. It can be extremely frustrating to lose so much time and to jump through so many hoops, but I am fighting for my life here. My job might really need me today, but ultimately if I am hospitalized, they will find someone else for the position. I must learn to value myself, because to everyone else, I’m replaceable.

Here is the tl;dr:

·        Always advocate for yourself

If you don’t like what a doctor has to say to you, then find another one. Keep looking until you find the one that listens to you/hears what you are trying to say.

 ·        Trust your body

If you don’t feel right, trust that shit. Only you know you. I know some of us have hypochondria/health anxiety, but if you feel that something is wrong you should seek out an answer that will give you piece of mind.

 ·        Keep a list of questions to ask your doctor

It is so incredibly easy to get off track once you get to your doctor appointment or to allow them to dominate the conversation. Listen to their answers, but get a second opinion if it doesn’t feel right.

 ·        If you are in crisis, call emergency services

I really don’t recommend doing what I did and trying to just white knuckle it until the next morning. It worked for me because I’ve been managing my symptoms for years. That, or I just got lucky. Either way, if you have a desperate urge to harm yourself/someone else, or if your symptoms are otherwise overwhelming you should definitely either check yourself into treatment or call emergency services. Your clinic usually also has a support hotline you can call.

 Suicide prevention hotline:

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Prevention Hotline Chat

Crisis Text Line

[shygunfire]

//Hella rant cause I have such feelings about these two it’s not even funny, WARNING THIS RANT HAS HUGE SPOILERS EVERYWHERE FOR TAL

So firstly, let’s look at MuYoung, we can build things from there. He’s an angry person, and who can blame him? He’s not human but GREW UP feeling wrong and knowing he wasn’t like other people. We’re not shown anything of his childhood except for /everything before he was separated from his twin/. But it can be inferred that it was rough, especially if it’s possible MuYoung /didn’t know/ what he actually was.

MuYoung grew up in a way I feel a lot of human fans relate to; he grew up feeling /wrong/, and he couldn’t shake that, especially with his physical state as a child. He was not doubt poked at and probably teased or even bullied about his looks or his arm or any number of things. He’s always very quick to jump into angry mode, he’s defensive and isn’t above threats to get out of or win a situation, and he holds a GRUDGE /blowing up the city for a blind man sound familiar?/ like we only wish we had the energy to maintain. But he didn’t grow up to actually be an asshole like the TALs say he is in story.

Again, he IS defensive. He IS quick to jump to violent means for an end in situations he doesn’t like. But he is also protective af, not just over Yu Jin and Maru, but even the TALs /as he does rescue Baek-Jung from that unfair fight while protecting Mirine and he stands up to Yangban when he makes everyone in the house uncomfortable/ as well as very caring towards situations /when Maru tells him about the girl he rescued needing safety/.

MuYoung is a man who looked Hell in the face and remained a bad-ass angel.

Now let’s look at Kang Maru. We’re initially shown a goofball who jokes about girls a lot, but MuYoung suddenly pulls us out of ‘oh he’s the goofy pervert trope’ because Maru is actually AFRAID of women. He’s a young man, said to be ‘between 18-20′ and at that age most regular characters would be regarded as carefree and adventurous and lusty for girls, especially a male like he is. 

But we’re then shown that immediately after being asked a favor, Maru is spying on people he had assumed were the kind that would be related to the info MuYoung needed. Not only that, but when confronted, he asks, somewhat begs, to not fight as he ‘doesn’t like fighting’. Maru is a healthy young male character who is self-confirming that he has no interest in violence, and we’re shown a lot of examples from the older Chachaoongs that if you’re born a Chachaoong? You better pick up on how to fight if you wanna live.

We have no idea what Maru’s past was. I have many theories, not just the one I use for this blog’s Maru, but many MANY others. All that’s set in stone is that Maru met MuYoung when the former tried to pickpocket the latter.

MuYoung was possibly bullied as a child. In the normal circumstances, a normal man with PTSD like MuYoung no doubt has would’ve most likely bodychecked Maru or broken his arm/wrist/hand before walking off. But he /didn’t/. He looked at this tiny male, who was likely squirming and dirty and likely tired af /who would sanely think to approach a man like MuYoung for theft otherwise?/ and he didn’t see an enemy. MuYoung looked at tiny-ass Maru and saw a child, just like he’d been, a child who had no one looking after him or caring about his wellbeing, and I will never be moved from the thought that looking at Maru gave MuYoung a feeling of kinship.

Because MuYoung /knew/. He didn’t know how, but he could /feel/ that this was a child just like he’d been, and by God, he was not letting someone who didn’t deserve it turn into what he might’ve.

I don’t know how things went from there, but unless word-of-God disputes it, somehow MuYoung took care of Maru and built him a life. He got Maru an education, an apartment to live /possibly housing Maru with himself until that was accomplished?/ and Maru has a steady income that lets him buys things like groceries, probably laundry stuff, he even has his own computer.

MuYoung set up this cushy lifestyle for a kid off the streets. And how is Maru from all that?

He sure as shit isn’t spoiled at all.

He cares for other people as much as MuYoung, possibly even more since he was in a Chachaoong life before the ‘human’ one MuYoung gave him. He is always concerned with other people’s wellbeing, rescuing the unnamed girl and offering to see if she can be given the same things he was, but he’s very aware of MuYoung’s likes and dislikes lists as he adds on that he knows MuYoung won’t be happy with ‘strays’. Maru is aware of MuYoung’s comforts and is completely hesitant to overstep a boundary like that even if he’s trying to do the right thing.

But he does step on that line when he feels it’s safe. Joking about girlfriends when he knows their collective situation and even when he’s suspicious of a person he asks MuYoung to help him observe, he steps back immediately when MuYoung makes his discomfort known. And yet, to have the gall to step on that line to begin with, it takes a LOT of trust. MuYoung himself said ‘you can know someone for years and not trust them, and you can know someone for a short time and still feel the same way’. He was saying this about Jin, in defense to Baek-Jung’s question, but it rings true about Maru.

We’re shown how conservative MuYoung is. He makes Ella wear his coat and flips out when she kisses him. Take that factor into account when you look a his and Maru’s interactions, then; how comfortable could he possibly be to only scold Maru or make an angry face to make Maru stop, and how comfortable could Maru be to have the balls to make those jokes even after he’s been scolded for it?

Maru /knows/ MuYoung. MuYoung /knows/ Maru.

Maru has SEEN the absolute WORST of MuYoung. He has seen true hysteria, true anger, and possibly, true depression with MuYoung. But Maru will /STILL/ talk to MuYoung, he still does as he’s asked and he still makes incredibly stupid jokes.

Because MuYoung has seen his true self as well.

We are told it’s rough for young Chachaoongs, on the streets, alone, no one looking after them. A lot of the background characters give us this information. They are rude, they are bullies, they swell themselves and use weapons as lethal and intimidating as they can be made. They are what MuYoung could’ve become. They look out only for themselves, rarely each other, and those who do open their arms die early deaths because compassion is apparently as rare in them as it is most humans /YEAH I’M THROWING SHADE ON OUR SPECIES WE FUCKING DESERVE GETTING DRAGGED ABOUT THAT/.

But Maru? He says he hates fighting. He prefers it’s his last resort, and even when fighting Luka, he traps Luka in an effort to PLEAD for them to /talk things over peacefully/.

In their first fight, what are we shown? Maru begging for them not to fight, before using a goddamn FLAMETHROWER. Observe his face. That’s not the look of someone who secretly actually really loves fighting. That eye close-up shows us a person who has disconnected from his fucking body, his emotions, his being, so he doesn’t make the connection that he just fired, well, a fucking FIREBALL at another living being. His grimace immediately after is cringing regret and the very clear message that he hopes that didn’t actually incinerate Luka because he just wanted to leave the fight.

Even after being attacked again, Maru expresses to Luka he just wants to be friends with the other.

Maru might not be as bad as Ignatio, but I’m willing to bet that he has some pretty similar Issues. He never wants to fight, he wants to resolve things. He doesn’t want enemies or antagonists, he wants friends or at the very least, nonviolent acquaintances. These go against what he would’ve lived as on the streets, and I’d bet he’d be having just fits as scary as MuYoung’s. Crying, possibly hallucinating things he’d caused or done directly, probably triggered by hearing something.

But MuYoung would be there. He would be there bringing Maru back to the present, grounding him. ‘You are Kang Maru. You are a student in college. You are my responsibility. You are kind. You are gentle. You joke. You smile. This is you.’

Just like Maru would in turn ground MuYoung. ‘You are kind. You are gentle. You are generous. You are loved. You aren’t a monster. You do good things. This is you.’

Their relationship is so fucking important to me. Maru reminds MuYoung to keep caring about people even when he’s angry, MuYoung reminds Maru that he can accomplish things because he is more than he thinks. Maru makes MuYoung remember that life isn’t always serious, but MuYoung reminds Maru that there are times and places for behavior. They remind each other that other people can care about them. They remind each other that yeah the world can be Hell, but there are other people who know that, and you aren’t alone. They remind each other that you always have something to keep being kind and soft and that to someone else you’re possibly their safety.

Even without shipping them, I will defend that they have an incredible bond and that they deserve to have that. They have gone through Hell, they GO through Hell over the course of the story. But they are there for each other.

When Maru gets away from Luka, he calls MuYoung, terrified about having failed and plays off being attacked as a side effect. MuYoung does the opposite; he latches onto ‘what?! you were ATTACKED?!’ and instead, brushes aside the fact that Maru didn’t get full info. Maru’s safety when he was out of MuYoung’s sight was more important to MuYoung than the info /PERTAINING TO JIN HIS SUPPOSED SON/ was.

When MuYoung is attacked, Maru calls Sora because she’s a doctor and has access to shit they don’t have at Jin’s house and really need. Sora and Sae Ha are both doctors, and thus the only ones who can do a goddamn thing. Maru doesn’t leave the house even after Sae Ha and Sora start treating MuYoung, even when he becomes exhausted from worry. The only time he leaves is after MuYoung wakes up, after MuYoung has moved around a bit, AFTER he knows MuYoung is /actually/ okay.

Maru’s main concern during the finale arc isn’t about the mess of the city, the fight they’ve suddenly been yanked into, nor even his own wellbeing. His thought is ‘I hope MuYoung is okay’. He is in the company of someone who’s attacked him twice, and a hoards of fucking ZOMBIES, but he feels concerned only about MuYoung.

These aren’t small things. When a storyteller gives you details, it’s for a reason.

TL;DR: Maru and MuYoung have a bond so powerful I weep in awe of it and I will fucking fight anybody who so much as implies they aren’t important to each other. Just let them make each other happy okay, they deserve being happy.