#look my fucked up parahumans. enjoy them. this ones a freak.

[drapi0n]

It was taking absolutely everything in Ilmarinen's power not to kick this whole boat into rip and tear mode right fucking now on all these old fucks hogging the road going a precious five miles under the limit, but unfortunately this stupid bucket of bolts is supposed to be inconspicuous right now and that would be absolutely anything but! Especially if that uptight little toymaker figures out exactly what the precious cargo of hers was in his trunk...

Come to think of it, that's probably another good reason not to go crazy with it... Any good tinker would make their shit a little fuckin blast resistant at least but that's no excuse to let himself go crazy and wind up with a broken toy just because traffic was a little off.

God he'll appreciate when this is back on his table and there's no more chances of prying eyes.

Wait… the cars in front of him were moving differently. As if he wasn't already creeping forward more, he winked an eye to judge the distance before peeling absolute rubber to scrape between the two. Get absolutely fucked you dusty golf bags! That bumper scrape better have left a mark because the Bitch-Mobile sure fucking won't have any! Heh. That's what they get for fucking with the guy with an anti brute car. Sigh… what a day it won't be when he can hit and run someone who will really dent the bitch.

Not tonight… too many things to do first.

Mindful to only speed about as bad as everyone else on the damn road, he raced back to the rundown remains of whatever stupid store hid his whole operation. It was probably a pawn shop with the way it reeked like cig smoke and moth balls when he first found it but now you can tell it's a tinker shop the way it reeks like weed smoke and welding. Adding another couple degrees of tilt to the ramp railing out back as he parked, a quick tap of a keychain to a ring had the total fence lock engaged, giving him enough privacy to start hauling this gift box inside.

God he was such a fucking genius to install a door lock that opened at the sign of all his unique body tech, if he had to lug this shit and fumble with his jewelry at the same time he'd go crazier! No no no, even without the boxes he'd hate to go back to using the manual locks, the little cat door trick is all he ever needed in his life! Okay of course not all. Not even this new treat will live up to that. Probably.

He didn't need to think about that yet. Not with it actually set in his workshop like this.

He should probably stop calling it an it actually...

Whatever, he could ask if it's got something different to use once he can actually ask it shit at all, first he had to tear off this wrapping paper and get in there.

He leaned over the heavy crate and began tracing fingers against the big nodes of locks keeping it held together. Ohhh if he wasn't already giggly, he was really laughing now… oh how he loved the tinker tech merry go round. Even if the locks were a little goddamn derivative, seriously... it's like Mekhanikus was building an armored tank just to slap a diary lock on the thing. Well. Among tinkers at least.

At least it meant it was a breeze to get the thing open, if he had to wait any goddamn longer to see what he managed to snag he'd do something even more unwise than stealing it to begin with! Of course the stupid specialty tool he made for the things still left the process stupid fiddly, just like fucking with anything else that wasn't his… he really needed more good tools for other common tricks at this rate.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by the final lock clicking open, his hands shook with thrill as he lunged for the seam of the crate and scrambled for purchase. He only fumbled with it for a couple seconds before cursing, picking his tool back up and shoving the flat metal end in and prying the damn thing open like that. The harsh sound of a seal breaking was like music to his ears.

The manic grin on his face only split open wider at the sight of the toy inside. Oh Professor Mekhanikus you really shouldn't have!~

The inside of the crate looked like something out of an actually good sci-fi movie, which was not what he was expecting from Mekh given how everything she rode into battle with looked like auto shop homunculi but he guessed she must have some hidden tastes if this was anything to go by. The more interesting part was of course what was inside all that glorified styrofoam packing, and he was practically drooling over it already.

It was a robot. Of course given who he stole it from it wasn't about to be anything else. It felt necessary to remind himself that it was though because for a moment it almost didn't look that way, what with the surprisingly convincing lithe human frame and a face to match that was so real looking that if Ilmarinen wasn't able to see that the damn thing didn't breathe at all and had wires plugged into its head he'd think it was asleep. It basically was— from what he kinda grasped about her robots since starting to fuck with Mekh, then the moment he kicked this thing back on it would wake up, take approximately 20.3 seconds or so to process how long it's been out orrrrr potentially whatever this crate’s been telling it and then it'll realize he's not her and probably attack. Just because it's built like it's for ogling instead of fighting doesn't mean it definitely can't, he refuses to rule it out.

Can't do that to him if he doesn't let the thing though.

A few passes along the inside of the crate with tracing hands let him find the important bits of the machinery and he quickly began work unfolding, uncovering, expanding and otherwise adjusting the mechanisms until he found himself with something of an entire console display. A keyboard, buttons, sliders, lights and of course a display projected into the lid of the crate that was filling his eyes with delicious information about the 197 pound pile of machinery that was his now. He could practically feel his pants getting tighter.

The controls were of course OBTUSE to get a handle on to begin with, because god forbid any tinker other than him ever do something the smart way, but once he had them down it was allllll his. He felt like a cougar in a college bar. It was no wonder he could never crack anything else he salvaged from cracking heads with her if all of them had a console system like this… he could already feel his head spinning with designs and he hadn't even touched the actual robot yet!! If Mekhanikus doesn't kill him outright the next time she sees him she soooo deserves a handy for this.

He was rocking in his spot on his knees as he examined everything, he was swimming in idea after idea of beautiful mechanical bastards to point at his enemies as he drank in the details, savoring the data about every little mechanism in there making it move and how they're calibrating even as he's sitting there. It was once he started looking at the thinking and behavior functions where he went rigid.

“No. You're fucking kidding.”

Convincing human movements designed into the damn thing. Speech pattern recognition and recreation. Other stupid pointless social bullshit set aside in a locked little folder. And right where there should be all the databases of combat and battlefield control that you would expect from a woman who builds stupid fucking FIGHTING ROBOTS who sends them out to KILL THINGS, right where there should be a pretty little nexus of information to build a real fucking murderbot to save his ass when the big guns are on him… was all just a big layered mess of LOGIC LEARNING SYSTEMS. Ugh. Take back anything he ever said about handies.

It's probably useful. It HAS to have some kind of purpose or Mekhanikus wouldn't have fucking built the damn thing. He had to remember this.

He's not about to kill his boner looking through a big filing cabinet of boooring right now that's for sure. He huffed and began to turn his attention towards the social behaviors half of things, targeting the machines interactions with its maker. As expected the thing was designed to be perfectly loyal to and incredibly protective of her, though not to the destructive degree of the others, it wasn't designed for much past verbal aggression. Fuck, for as much as he wanted to be pissed it was so damn intriguing. Of course for as much as he was chewing through it in his head he was still changing that damn code.

No. No this guy needed to be for him.

Urghh… he really could stand to turn down the loyalty a lil though. As much as he was a genius to be bowed before, having a robot he stole be so devoted that as soon as he turns it on it just will? There was something about it that made his skin crawl. All power to Mekh for whatever she had going on here but this isn't her robot anymore and he's going to do what he damn well pleases about that.

In fact… a little hostility towards her is only fair. It can learn more of that itself.

He continued making slight adjustments like that until his knees went numb, then he pulled up a stool from one of his benches nearby and sat to make even more. In the end if he did it all right— and with as long as he's spent staring so far he fucking better have gotten it right— he would boot this thing up and it'll be confused, maybe a little apprehensive but open to what he had to say to it. If he played his cards right, told the story of how he got it in the first place and talked that shit through proper then he might even get lucky and have the robot ask him to keep it itself! He bounced his foot as he finished the adjustments before folding the extended console parts back into the system of the crate, eyeing the last few buttons left.

Even after the display read [CALIBRATIONS COMPLETE] his hand still hesitated over the power switch.

Fuck it, no turning back already. He gently pressed it before rolling back a bit on his stool to observe as the robot quickly began responding. The wires connected to its head released themselves with a click before small whirrs and creaks started up as it shifted from the fetal position it was curled into to instead sit holding its calves. A high pitched whine sounded from somewhere behind its eyes as it started up.

With it upright in front of him, the features of the face were clearer, especially with the careful way its wig was styled away towards its back. It didn't make it any easier to parse right away, its features weren't too remarkable but were pretty. More than that they were pretty damn androgynous features, and looking down at the body didn't actually help either. The body looked like it could look either direction with just a little help from clothes… maybe it was becoming clearer. He inspected the face again, now that he really considered it, it looked like the material would take makeup. The right makeup, the right clothes and even maybe contacts if someone gets a bit tipped off by the blue of the eyes and really—

“...Where am I?”

Shit. Eyes. 19.8 seconds until alertness. Consistent. He straightened up on the stool and flashed a smile. He hoped for welcoming but he was certainly landing on insane.

“You're inside my favorite workshop. Your maker let me get away with you, my name is Ilmarinen. Do you have one of your own?”

He held out a hand towards the robot and it slowly reached up to shake it. Good.

“Uh… I am Keys… could you clarify your earlier statement? About my maker, not your workshop.”

Its posture was tense but that was to be expected. He slipped his hand into his pocket and tried to look friendly. It was hard when he wanted to know everything he could about what this thing was designed for, but he had to.

“Oh I'd be happy to! See me and your maker— what do you call her by the way? Mommy? Mistress? Master?”

Keys’ eyes blew wide open and it sat up ramrod straight in embarrassment, he didn't think a robot could look like it got splashed by ice water but he could hardly keep himself from giggling at seeing it.

“What! N-no I call her Professor!! Or by her name!!” It's voice cranked into almost a squawk, finally showing some mechanical crack at the edges which was even harder to keep from laughing at after hearing the overly smooth tone it was holding before.

“Aw boo that's way less fun” Ilmarinen blew a short raspberry before continuing “welllll… me and the professor have something of a funny little rivalry yeah? She makes all these beauuutiful machines— like you!” He perks up to smile again and point at Keys “And I… really really really want them, so I try and steal them!! This makes her wanna kill me reaaaal fucking bad. This tracking so far?”

He tilted his head at the robot in front of him, who tilted its own back.

“...You're the guy she calls the scum sucking, grease oiled, paint chugging, mange bitten thief?”

The sheer lack of bite in its deadpan recitation of her insults nearly bowled him out his stool as he howled with laughter, needing to clutch the straps of his harness to keep from falling over as he giggled. Keys didn't look nearly as amused, just tilting its head the other way before something caught its attention and it reached behind its head to fuss with its wig.

“Oh my god… fuckin yeah totally, I dunno who else she'd yell like that at!” He giggled more, there's a reason he's infamous between tinkers and it sure isn't because he asks them nicely for design inspiration. He straightened back up just a little as he wiped away a tear that wasn't there “Fucking crazy that she'd let me steal you right after calling me those things right?”

Keys looked surprised again before a strong furrow hit its eyebrows. “That doesn't sound like the professor at all.”

It was right of course. If Ilmarinen had targeted her stash and tried to get away with Keys as is, Mekhanikus would've probably tried to get his head onto a spike for her next robot to wear into battle or something. But he doesn't run off with armfuls of valuable tech with simple plans like that.

“Oh she's probably real pissed I have you, don't get me wrong… doesn't deserve you if she left you behind to keep one of her other models though does she?” He leaned forward with a smile as he leveled his stare at Keys’ confused expression.

“U-uh… that's not… she…” it looks away for a moment as it's face furrows again— the way the face plates move under the synthetic skin start to make more sense in his head as he sees it more. It sighed and lifted its stare back at him. “She probably anticipated more use out of one of the other models… I do not provide much use outside of scouting, determining passwords and accompanying the professor on civilian or otherwise disguised outings…”

Yes!!! He didn't even have to ask about purpose!!

“...And I've been kept aside for use only in the cases of passwords for almost three months I would say.” There was definite disappointment in its voice. Ilmarinen reeled back some of the excited thoughts that were running wild so he could focus.

“Three months is crazy long for a tinker to avoid using something, even if they kinda use it.” He tried not to let his distaste clear but he wasn't very subtle to begin with. Keys sighed (did it actually move air or was it a recording? He couldn't tell) “She just… must be different. She likes big things, big spectacle and stuff… once she finishes a model she brings them all out for like a big debut of stuff and all that, but then she starts another big model and it'll be… however long again. The combat bots are the only ones who can be sure they'll get used.”

Keys sounded bitterer as it kept talking and Ilmarinen wasn't quite sure how much of the attitude could be attributed to his tweaks but it definitely wasn't talking itself back into the loyalty by the sounds of things. “Is that why she built you the big fancy box? To keep you tucked away while the others are busy fighting or the Professor is too busy to play?” He fought back a smirk at the way Keys started fiddling with its fingers.

Yeah. It'll be his just fine.

“No uh.” Keys gulped and Ilmarinen's full attention was on wondering how before it spoke back up “that's not… what she told me it was for… she said it was a vital part of keeping my body maintained, all the models she builds have to be hooked up to a console in order for maintenance to be completed and for our power sources to charge.” Its resolve returned to its voice at the end as it stared him down.

“Do all the other models get closed up into a little box?”

Its mouth dropped open to protest before it stopped and looked to its knees. “No… Every other model has a small hangar to be hooked up into… the hangars are built into the Professors workshop…” Ilmarinen couldn't help but shake his head.

“I think I'm understanding the picture here, Keys.”

He was trying so so so hard to keep his triumphant smile off his face but he would have to keep it down until this is done. Wouldn't want Keys to get the wrong idea. “Oh yeah. Fuck. Before I start talking about you in this little story, I should probably not be calling you an it all willy nilly, pronouns?” He held out his fist like a microphone and Keys raised an eyebrow. “Uh well… it/its? Unless I'm supposed to be something else for something”

Hot. Damn. He's a goddamn genius.

“Sweet. Weeeell… Your little Professor and I got into another one of our usual spats, yeah? She's rolling out with one of her new models— you called it a debut? She was having a lot of fun with one of those. Doing her usual party thing, fighting a few heroes who were expecting this and all that! I didn't really see much there, I came to the party pretty late!!” He wasn't keeping the smile off his face. Keys wasn't recoiling so he wouldn't fight it down anymore. “No no no, see what I did see is the end of that!”

He snaps a finger. “Silly me, I nearly forgot! I already had you in my trunk by then” he giggled and tapped the side of his head as Keys looked concerned “No see… Professor Mekhanikus knows how anticipated a debut becomes and she really hates that I'm one of the ones to anticipate it, so she always tries to ensure I can't get anything from it” he giggles again “it was a good try at least this time! She likes to pull the classic ‘princess in another castle’ bit against me and move absolutely everything that I could possibly try and copy from her into some fuckin warehouse across town that I can't find on short notice”

Keys wasn't giving him much, just staring as he explains, it looked conflicted but it definitely knew what he was talking about with the Professors game.

“Now that trick only works so good because she can actually get everything there! Her last debut was another day that I went home empty handed so I expected the warehouse swap on the next one, and I hired a few friends to ensure that the transfer process was interrupted!” He was full on grinning now. “The idea was to steal one of the transport trucks entirely or have them be followed all the way to either ensure knowledge of the location or the drivers noticing and turning back to avoid the risk. Circumstances led to that last one”

“That isn't letting you take something!” Keys snapped up a little, holding onto its knees. Ilmarinen just held up a finger.

“I'm getting to that aren't I? Well… warehouse trick or no, your professor decides to debut your new sibling anyway, leaving her workshop guarded by just a few combat models.” He smiled wider. “Your combat ready brethren aren't too bright by the way, I don't know if you knew that... All it took was another visit from my friends from before and I had them leaving the place completely uncovered! I was just about able to walk right in and walk right out with you!” He pouted just a little “of course, the combat models noticed me right then and sent an immediate alert to the professor.”

He leaned over to rest his chin on his hands. Keys’ lips were tight as it kept listening, it didn't have the built in loyalty but it had the memories of its maker, he could tell it felt like he was bragging. Sure, he was, but he still found the details fun. He pouted a little more. “Not all that important is it? No, the important part is that I was paying those friends of mine with something from her workshop. One of her big robots for transport. By the time the professor got back to us with her little debut toy to try and make the fighting go her way— or more like to clean up the mess… you were being loaded into my car!” He tried not to cackle remembering the way Mekhanikus seemed to puff up three times her size in anger when she saw him. “She almost lunged for me right then and there! But instead…”

His face went serious, this was the important part. “Instead, my friends book it to pile into that bot of hers, and while I get to close my trunk and burn rubber outta there, my friends start escaping the other direction and I'll give you one guess who she followed”

Keys didn't have to guess. It looked upset and shook its head lightly “it's like I said… that's one she'd get way more use out of than me, she'll… probably come back to get me”

Ilmarinen just let out a guffaw. “Fat chance!! Anyone who knows anything about me knows, you don't get your shit back once I take it. You're not the only thing I had in my trunk, I took armfuls of what I could to shove in there with you, she probably saw all that too! How much of that is daily use shit for her? She weighed her options between a group driving away in something that she could track down and take away again once they have to stop moving and me taking you potentially forever and she ran after the other guys. For all she knows I'm dismantling you right now!”

He must've come on strong with the way that Keys recoiled and pulled its legs closer. “So… what now then… Do you dismantle me?”

Oh damn he could've just cried at that. “Oh god no! Who do you take me for? I mean I might have to take you apart a little bit assuming that Mekhanikus did her shit any bit right and put a tracker in you, but not… not any sort of permanently. No no no, I want you to stay with me. I'll put you to way better use than that slease on her high horsebot ever did!”

Keys seemed to brighten up. Yes. Yesss…

“Did you… did you change my code?”

Nooooo….

“Yes.” No point in lying. Keys furrows it's brows again. “It wasn't drastic though. I specifically tried to avoid drastic changes so I could meet you as you were. Mostly I just made it so you wouldn't try and hurt me on sight for being one of the Professors enemies.” he tilted his head thoughtfully “... Yeah no! The only real big change is that loyalty thing she put in you! If I didn't turn that whole situation off when you wouldn't have even believed a word I said! I mean sure, I could point at the fact I have you here and I could open the news so you could see the pictures of her chasing down that other model, but you would just plug your ears and close your eyes because nooo Mekhanikus would never…”

It looked conflicted for a second before covering its face and going still. The internal sounds of mechanics got a little louder before it looked back up at him.

“You… what do you want me for?”

He could feel the grin coming back full force. “To study you first. I have a lot of ideas that I'll need to understand you for, but once that's done…” he tapped his chin before clapping with a grin. “I've always wanted a partner in crime!! You would not believe how shitty it is trying to tinker completely solo, I mean I'm sure others are even more solo, but taking shit from other people and having a real team to bounce ideas off are wayyyy different concepts and I really haven't had a lotta fun with company that I didn't pay to be there in aaages”

“So someone you stole is a nice change of pace?”

He giggled innocently before it devolved into something of a wicked cackle. “C'mon, I'd let you leave if you wanted to go, but you've got an actual untethered brain for once and only a couple tinkers that could really keep you up to snuff. So I mean, fine by me if you wanna try and go back and have your leash reinstalled or run away to try and find someone else to maintain you or…” he leaned back in his stool and hooked his thumbs in his pockets “you could stay with the guy who cared enough to clean up that brain of yours, and maybe help him fulfill his wish of modifying one of Mekh’s bots to be so much better it pisses her off. Whaddya think? Got any features you think she skimped out on?”

Keys was quiet for a moment as it stared at him, eyes pointed and focused as it assessed everything in front of it.

“Well… I've always wanted to try eating.”