#look i am sleep deprived and currently facing the tragedy of the possibility of having to do an overhaul

[theinfinitedivides]

Jhoome Jo Pathaan and Rover. same MV energy. no i'm not about to explain that

[naturephiliashop]

I’ve been avoiding all social media lately because something happened that I wasn’t ready to talk about yet. I know I don’t have to share all of this, but I feel like I can’t go back to posting normal things until I get this off my chest. 

My cat Mendel was recently diagnosed with Diabetes mellitus. I used to work as a Vet Tech, so having to administer daily insulin injections and monitoring his blood glucose wouldn’t have been a problem for me to handle. It would have been a financial strain as insulin is quite expensive, but I was willing to do it because I loved this cat so much. I had also mentioned to the Vet who diagnosed him that I’ve been seeing a little bright red blood in his stool every once in a while. I figured maybe he was straining and that was causing the blood, it isn’t uncommon. The Vet had kind of brushed it off and said she was more concerned with getting his Diabetes under control. Just as I was preparing to regulate his diabetes (buying insulin and syringes, glucometer, special food, etc.), Mendel had defecated outside the litter box and it was 100% bright red, frank blood. It was very alarming, so I immediately brought him to an Emergency Vet nearby since all the regular animal hospitals were closed. The Doctor examined him and concluded that the bloody stool is most likely due to colitis. She sent us home with Flagyl and probiotics. I think she was being really conservative with treating him because he was otherwise fine…alert and responsive, still eating and drinking, behaving normally. When I saw Mendel’s extremely bloody stool, my mind immediately envisioned the worst case scenario…he has cancer and he’s dying (I have anxiety, so I tend to jump to awful, sometimes irrational conclusions). Leaving the hospital, I was so relieved that whatever he had was most likely treatable and he’ll recover with time. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the outcome. What happened next can only be described as every pet owner’s nightmare: taking your pet to the Vet and never bringing them home again. 

Fast forward to the morning of the following day, Mendel wasn’t really eating much and acting a little withdrawn. I still continued giving him the meds hoping that by night he’ll feel a little better and his appetite will come back. As the day went on, he was only getting worse and worse. He was very lethargic and barely moved all day. He refused to eat anything. I even boiled some chicken for him and when I held a piece up to him, he backed away as if repulsed by it. I knew his bloody stool wouldn’t be resolved in just under 24 hours, but now he was literally leaking pure blood everywhere. There was obviously something more severe going on with him and I had a feeling it had nothing to do with colitis. That night my boyfriend and I took him back to the same Emergency Vet. This time he was seen by a different doctor. She wanted to run blood work on him to get an idea of what might be going on. I was actually writing my previous Tumblr post while I waited for Mendel’s blood work. It pains me to read what I wrote, “I’m sure in a few weeks time he’ll be back to his normal self and his diabetes will be in check”. I am not even joking, a minute after I posted that the doctor came out to the waiting room with the blood work results, looking grave as she pulled up a chair next to us. Judging by her body language alone I knew whatever she was about to tell us wasn’t good. Apparently, he was severely anemic. His PCV (Packed Cell Volume) was 13, dangerously low for a cat. She basically told us that at the very least he needed a blood transfusion asap or he’s not going to make it to morning. She advised us to see an internal medicine specialist at a referral hospital 2 hours away and that they would be better equipped to treat him and provide the diagnostics to figure out the cause of his severe anemia. The Vet kept emphasizing that Mendel was “a really sick cat”. It was so hard for me to process all that information and make the decision to go the referral hospital or put him down right there. My boyfriend Mike and I weren’t expecting to be faced with such a hard decision that night. We had decided to do a few more tests at the vet we were currently at before making the drive to the referral hospital hoping that we would at least have an idea of what we were up against. They took some radiographs and a FeLV snap test (even though I told her we tested him years ago, she said it could have been a false negative). All of those tests told us absolutely nothing as to why his blood count was so low. This might sound horrible, but we were hoping that they would have found something. If he had intestinal cancer (which was a high possibility), the thought of euthanizing him would have been a little more bearable. But we literally had no hard evidence of what was wrong with him. And I didn’t want to put him down for nothing! 

So, we decided to make the 2 hour trip to the referral hospital in MA. I sat in the back with Mendel and gave him head scratches through his crate. He never did well with car rides. I felt bad making him endure a long drive, especially since he was so sick, but in the moment I thought it was in his best interest to take him to the other hospital. About an hour into the trip, I started having regrets about that decision. He kept fading in and out of consciousness, there were even a few times I thought he died. I was hysterically crying, I didn’t want him to pass in the car, knowing he was probably in a lot of pain. Luckily, we arrived at the hospital before such a tragedy happened. We were taken into a room while they took Mendel to the back to examine him. His PCV was at 11 now, which really alarmed the Doctor. Mike and I were hoping that they could ultrasound his abdomen before he was given a blood transfusion. If he had intestinal cancer, I didn’t want to put him through a bunch of treatments that would only keep him alive temporarily. I was concerned with his quality of life, keeping him alive just because I didn’t want to let go was so wrong. It turned out that the ultrasonographer wouldn’t be there until 9 am. It was 5:30 am when we arrived. I didn’t think Mendel could wait that long without a blood transfusion. The Doctor put together an estimate for us that only covered the blood transfusion, ultrasound, and overnight hospitalization. The starting total would have amounted to around $5,000 that had to be paid in full. The Doctor proceeded to say that she knew we wanted answers, but if whatever was going on with him was treatable, it wouldn’t be a quick fix, he would need to be hospitalized for days. If the starting price was $5,000, I wouldn’t be surprised if, by the end of all his diagnostic tests, treatments, and hospitalization for days upon days amounted to over $15,000. I would have been in serious amounts of debt if I had to pay that up front and in full. The Doctor could tell that we wouldn’t be able to afford it and added that euthanasia wouldn’t be an inhumane option to consider at this point. For the entire night and morning, I had been crying at the thought of having to put him down. But there really wasn’t any other choice. After I authorized in writing to have him euthanized, they took us to the back to be with him. They had already given him a sedative so he was pretty out of it. Mike and I said our goodbyes and I stroked his forehead as he passed. The Doctor and all the staff there were really kind and empathetic and reassured us that we didn’t make the wrong decision. I really needed to hear that because I felt so shitty. We left the hospital feeling emotionally drained and sleep deprived as we made the 2 hour drive back without our sweet Mendel. 

I love and miss him so much 

💔