#look at the other cool people in the pit & see em chat w/ the friends they came with & feel out of place and lethally dripless & h8 ur face

[shevr]

i keep bein the lamest loneliest transgal in the concert venue

[honestfutures]

Coming Home

2300 w

Cameron Howe/Donna Clark

read it on ao3

“We could hang out, chat, eat not gross food.” She waggled her eyebrows. “And… I’d been saving a couple bottles of wine.”

Cameron grinned. “You had me at ‘wine’.”

“That’s literally the last thing I said.”

“Jesus,” said Cameron, trying not to breathe the air coming from the fridge. “This place is gross.”

Donna whipped her head up from the pile of paper she’d been rifling through. “Oh, thank God, I didn’t say anything since I didn’t want to sound naggy, but…” she grimaced. “It’s horrible. I’m pretty sure the boxes of old pizza are starting to form into strata.”

“I know! I have to live here!” Cameron exclaimed, slamming the fridge door. “This whole place smells like an armpit.”

Donna snorted. “Yeah, well you’re the one who decided to put a couple dozen coders together in a house with no supervision. No one here knows how to clean up or wash.” Including you , she thought, and tried to hide a smile.

Cameron dropped her head and groaned. “I just… I know it’s not professional or whatever, but I feel like I really need to get out of here for a while, just for a day. I wish I could eat some real food, or shower someplace where the bathroom isn’t grimy.”

Aw. Maybe… “Cameron, you deserve a break. Why don’t you come over today? The girls are over at a friend’s place, and Gordon is… out somewhere, I guess.” Donna gave a halfhearted shrug. “We could hang out, chat, eat not gross food.” She waggled her eyebrows. “And… I’d been saving a couple bottles of wine.”

Cameron grinned. “You had me at ‘wine’.”

“That’s literally the last thing I said.”

She shoved Donna gently as she grabbed her jacket. “Shut up.”

It was a quiet drive, peaceful after the racket in the house. On the way, Donna stole a glance at Cameron in the passenger seat, tilted back and boots up on the dashboard. Normally she’d tell her off, ask her to put her feet down and dust off the dirt from her soles, but this time, looking at her there with her eyes shut, humming along with her walkman, she just smiled. It wasn’t that big a deal.

Eventually they reached the house, and as she pulled into the garage she tapped Cameron on the shoulder to shake her out of her bubble. It felt weird, coming home in the middle of the afternoon, but, she thought, not unwelcome. The keys jingled as Donna dropped them on the counter. “Home, sweet home!”

Cameron kicked off her boots and padded into the living room. “Damn. After the Mutiny house, it feels so quiet in here.” She flopped onto the couch. “So, about that food?”

Donna peered into the fridge. “Aw, looks like Gordon ate all the chicken, but I do have some peach pie I was saving.” She pulled it out and grabbed two forks, not bothering with plates.

“Ooh, home cooking,” Cam said, making grabby hands at the pie tin. Donna smiled; she was cute like this.

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” she said, sitting down. “It’s a nice not to have to stress and clean up someone else’s messes for a bit.”

Cameron waggled her eyebrows. “Admit it, you just like spending time with me.”

She wasn’t wrong, Donna thought. Maybe she was just used to being around Gordon, always being taken for granted, but spending time with her was just… nice. She could talk to Cam and know she was being listened to.. although having those eyes fixed on her somehow always making her face grow hot. “So what if I do?”

“Shows you have good taste.” She took a bite of pie and her face lit up. “Speaking of…. Damn. This is amazing.”

She smiled; this, too. Gordon never made more than an appreciative grunt at her cooking, mouth half full. “Thanks. It’s my mom’s recipe.”

Cam held out a bite of pie. “Here, have some.” Feeling a bit goofy, Donna leaned over and bit the chunk of peach off the fork. “Mmm.” Yup, delicious as ever.

After ravenously attacking the pie for a few seconds, Cameron sat bolt upright. “I almost forgot! The wine!” Donna hopped up and padded to the kitchen, coming back with two bottle and two glasses. “Tadaa!”

Cameron raised her eyebrows. “White and red? Ooh la la.”

“Yeah,” Donna shrugged, “I didn’t know what kind you liked, so just help yourself.”

“Wine, pie… what else? Donna, you know this girly ‘girls’ day in’ shit better than I do.”

“Umm. I guess we could paint each other’s nails? That’s a girly sleepover thing.”

Cameron grimaced. “Okay, you’re the boss.”

“Don’t be like that! It’s fun, you’ll see.” She got up again to grab supplies while Cam poured them both a generous serving of wine.

When she came back, she handed Cameron the old black polish she’d dug out of the back of her makeup case (“What,” she insisted, “It was a phase!”), and unscrewed the red for herself. For a while they were quiet, sipping wine and concentrating on their respective attempts.

“God, I’m awful at this,” groaned Cameron after a few minutes, trying unsuccessfully to smooth out the polish. “This isn’t usually my thing.”

Donna just waved her aside. “Oh, don’t worry, you’re doing fine. It takes practice; I used to mess up all the time. And,” she glanced down at her own slightly wobbly brushwork, “sobriety helps.”

“This shit smells so bad,” Cam wrinkled her nose, “Why does anyone do this?”

“I dunno. It’s pretty, I guess.” Donna mumbled, screwing the cap back onto the polish bottle. She took another sip of wine.

“Yeah, ok, but isn’t it like, full of chemicals or something? Is it worth it?”

Maybe if she hadn’t drank so much she’d be able to come up with a better answer, but… “It’s just- It’s a girl thing.”

Cameron raised her eyebrows. “Donna, you might wanna sit down for this one. I don’t wanna shock you, but… I’m a girl.”

Donna slapped her arm playfully. “Shut up, you know what I mean. It’s one of those little things you learn growing up, like… like how to do your hair or pluck your eyebrows or laugh without snorting, so you fit in at school with the other girls and guys don’t find you weird. And then it carries over when you grow up, and it’s everywhere, you know?” She glanced over at Cameron, braless and hair rumpled. “You don’t care what people think.”

“I care what the right people think,” she clarified, leaning against the sofa. “You like me, right?”

“Yeah,” Donna smiled. “Yeah, I do.”

“See! So who cares!”

“Well, it’s different for you,” she argued, “You were hired straight out of college by a goddamn lunatic. You never had to worry about job interviews, about being perceived as the right kind of woman just to afford groceries.” Her voice softened. “Even now you’re not like me, you’re like, this young free wild thing who’s an incredible genius, you can afford to bitch at investors and- and break the law and stuff, I don’t…” She trailed off, mumbling into her wine glass.

Cam tilted her head to the side and shuffled closer. “Hey. Hey, where’d this come from?”

Shit. She was going to ruin it again, another one of these perfect moments with Cameron, so rare these days. Donna tried a wan smile. “Nevermind, I don’t-”

“No!” Cam grabbed her shoulder and Donna stared for a moment, stunned by her urgency. “No, not again. We can’t keep doing this thing, dancing around stuff like it’s not a problem. It’s not good for us, either of us. Tell me.”

She rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hand and sighed. “It’s just- sometimes I feel like I’m just there cause you pity me and need someone to clean up after the guys.”

“Donna- I didn’t hire you so you could be the mom. I hired you ‘cause you’re an amazing engineer, and I…” her voice softened, “I need you here. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Geez, maybe it was the wine, but she was getting all emotional. “Thanks, Cam,” she said, “It means a lot.”

Cameron shuffled up to the coffee table and grabbed her glass. “Anyway! I do know what you mean, with the girl thing. Can you imagine me in high school? I was, like, a hermit; no one wanted to talk to me.”

“Fuck ‘em.”

“Right? Yeah, and even in college, guys were such fucking snobs. I mean you met Gordon in college and he’s ok, but Jesus, none of those guys ever wash and they expect a girl they can get hitched to, pop out a couple of kids with, and get free housekeeping for the rest of their life.” Cameron put on a simpering voice. “��Hi, honey, how was your day?’ Yeah, no.” She looked over at Donna, a little guiltily. “No offense.”

Donna waved away her concern. “None taken. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, actually.” she mused. “I wouldn’t give up Joanie and Haley for the world, but… I don’t know, it feels like no one talks about this, but the whole husband thing?” she grimaced. “I could do without.”

“What, you mean Gordon?”

Donna put down her glass of wine, empty now. “No, see, that’s the thing! Gordon is… he’s a mess, sure, but he’s nice, he’s smart and funny- don’t roll your eyes, I’m serious. I like him. There’s no guy I’d rather be with. Just, when it comes to actually… being with him, or like, anyone?” She shrugged, searching for the right words. “Eh. Never got what the fuss was about. Even in college. Just kind of did what I thought I was supposed to, I guess?” Noticing Cam staring, she flushed, self-conscious. “God, sorry, that was a bit personal. I’m pretty drunk.”

She didn’t reply, just kept looking at her with that funny look on her face. Donna frowned. “What?”

“Uh, I don’t want to assume, but it kind of sounds like…” Cameron hesitated. “Have you ever been with women?”

Donna blinked. “What? No.” She paused, and then, “What?”

“‘Cause… Yeah, it’s not supposed to be like that.”

Donna sat stock still as she realized what she was saying. “Cameron, I am not a lesbian. This is- this is ridiculous.”

“Is it, though? I’m just saying. Clearly dudes don’t do it for you. That doesn’t mean girls do, but you can’t know until you try, right?” She leaned back against the couch, all cool and composed like she hadn’t just dropped a gigantic bombshell.

“Oh, what,” Donna sputtered, “Like you have?”

Cam’s mouth twisted into a funny little half smile. “Yeah.”

Oh. Cameron had- Donna felt something twist in the pit of her stomach as her brain froze up. Okay. She wasn’t sober enough for this.

Cameron reached out her hand towards hers, and- “Uh.” Flustered, Donna stood up, a little unsteady, and turned towards the kitchen. “I’m just- I think I’m gonna go put away the wine.”

“Donna, wait,” Behind her Cameron got up and placed a hand on her arm. She turned to face her, feeling the flush creeping up her cheeks, and Cam’s fingers on her shoulder, cool against her skin. “I didn’t mean to-”

Donna leaned up and kissed her, acting on impulse and the giddiness of the wine and some kind of instinct, and almost immediately shrank back.

“Hey,” Cam said. Her hands were on Donna’s face, gentle. “Hey, look at me. What’s wrong?”

Donna blinked, trying to duck away from her stare. “It’s just- with Hunt, I was so stupid, I… I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”

“Donna. Hey, listen.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes were so wide, and so close.“This isn’t a mistake.”

Before she could overthink it, she leaned in and kissed her again. Donna carded her hands through her hair, pulling her down. It was strange, she thought, having to tilt her head up to kiss someone, so much different from when she kissed Gordon, tasting of beer and mustache hair and short enough, when she wore heels, to make for an awkward half-lean. This was different; Cameron’s tall lanky body pressed against hers, hands in her hair, on the small of her back, fiddling with the hem of her shirt, now, restless.

Cameron broke the kiss and Donna stumbled a bit trying to follow, catching herself on her chest. “Wow, ok. Someone’s had a bit too much to drink.”

Donna buried her nose in the worn cotton of her shirt while Cam petted her hair like a cat. “I’m fine.” More than fine. God, everything was so soft and fuzzy and good.

“Alright, let’s sit you back down,” Cam said, a guiding hand on Donna’s waist as she felt around, a bit disoriented, for something to steady herself against. She reached for the table, hand knocking into the glasses and sending them smashing into the floor. “Shit,” she mumbled.

“Jesus!” Cameron yelled. “Watch out. Okay, come on.” She swept Donna up in her arms and gingerly stepped away from the broken glass. Cam glanced out the window; it was evening by now.

“Hey,” she said, gently, “Donna.”

“Hm?”

“You should get some rest.”

“I’m not tired,” she protested, wrapping her arms around Cam’s neck. Even as she said it she could feel her eyelids grow heavy.

Cameron carried her to bed and helped her out of her pants. She pulled up the blanket, placed a kiss on her nose and turned to leave. “Rain check.”

“No, wait,” Donna pleaded, holding onto her hand.

Cameron turned and sat on the edge of the bed. “Donna, hey. I’ll still be there in the morning.” She frowned. Somehow this hadn’t occurred to her; it was so surreal, like a dream, and she was still half afraid it would all vanish in a puff of smoke. She tugged on Cam’s hand. “Stay.”

“When’s Gordon getting home?”

“I dunno.” A pause. “I don’t care.”

Cameron sighed. “Fuck.” For a second Donna thought she was going to leave after all, but then she shifted and crawled under the comforter. “Shove over.” Then, “Fuck, your feet are cold!”

“Sorry!”

She settled behind her, breasts soft against Donna’s back, fingertips tracing shapes on her shoulders.

Suddenly she gasped. “Oh no…”

“What?”

“Our nails…” she mumbled, “they’re ruined.”

Cam pressed a kiss against the nape of her neck. “Go to sleep, Donna.”