#longpost on my internal dialogue prompted by this palace as of 1/5

[oblitus-vulpes]

.

Okay So. first and foremost I think this is worse than my standard reaction would be bc I've been thinking about how I'm managing my psychosis and What The Hell Is Wrong With Me And Medicine (as a branch) recently. like as in very recently i was turning it over in my brain right before I opened p5r. tbh i wish i had a more cohesive record of my thoughts but

idk i'm just kinda In A Place rn. like

wow boys will really just realise they relate to the guy they detest in some way and not have an immediate logical explanation for why i don't like this guy that's not directly founded in Bad Vibes:tm: straight from the trauma response you've been fighting the whole game to get to this point. lmao. and then boys will kinda zone out on the dialogue and think about it.

and now i'm just kinda like... do i keep playing and maybe that'll help me figure this out? like. from my current point in the game, what he's doing is Bad obv. i know it is and it's the thing that's irked me every time i see his dialogue.

i think it's the reliance on him. like Yeah it's not inherently bad to want people to be happy and to do what you can to help. But this oversteps and goes into territory of Helping Someone For Them. because you want them to be helped and not because they want you to help them. does this make sense. i see it as a matter of autonomy, because it's about choosing how you want to live your life (either this is the main theme of the entire fucking game or i'm terribly misinterpreting it). but i'm also autonomybrained 24/7 (biased to interpret it this way) and it's like. my highest priority in anything ever and literally all of my ideals link back to preservation of autonomy in some way. gin lore fact idfk.

and like the entire time i was running around his palace i was just. irritated? "don't you want to live a life without pain?" no !!!!! if i don't have the option to choose how to overcome pain/challenges/adversity/what have you then what's even the fucking point??? taking away options on how to live my life sucks fucking ass even if they hurt. get up coward and all that. (<taking this which more closely aligns to sem1/2 and turning it upside down on the basis of living life without getting to choose how you live it Sucks Ass and at some point just sitting there and letting life drag you along isn't. ideal. and sometimes you should make the choice to stand up for yourself and stop letting the tide carry you, whether it be a lazy river or fucking riptides.)

and then there's sumire. wow. gonna be real she's irritated me from the very start and i'm Not Sure Why. and like yeah since i put 2 and 2 together that sumire was living as kasumi because survivor's guilt. which was a while ago. the only thing to catch me off guard was sumire fully believing herself as kasumi. which brings me into. conflict if i should be doing what i'm doing. or if i'm doing it for the right reasons.

and like wow!!! girl who is delusional!!! me too girl!!! it's easier and less painful to simply live in a state that isn't reality and accept it as that!!! and i'm kinda left in a position of am i refusing professional medical treatment from a place of standing for myself or because i'm running away.

and it's terrible because it's both and i won't stop feeling Bad about this until i finally own up to it. is this a limitation or a limitation i put on myself. how will i know which is which. etc.

i as an outside party wouldn't push someone else to do something beyond what they want because they're the only one that can make them truly do something. me as myself. wow it really just comes down to do you want to be capable. of course i have limitations and it's my job to recognize them and stand up for them but it's also my job to push them to be as good as i can be. am i even making sense anymore.

anyways my point is that i can't justify taking down maruki as saving kasumi. maruki on his own? yeah i can 100%. but i can't justify it as saving kasumi. like every time i try i get an error page. proposition conflicts with Chapter 3 Section G Paragraph 7: Ultimately an individual knows best in regards to their own health and lifestyle and one must respect their decision regarding themself, with the exception of involvement of nonconsenting participants. like i know this is Bad and Wrong but if this is what she wants, i don't feel i have the right to intervene? and i think this is going to end in me having to rewrite chapter 3 section g paragraph 7 because This Feels Wrong. but i don't have the means to justify that yet and it's killing me. lmao