#lola’s delusions

[lolamarlowe65]

just spent 10 minutes blasting cola (cause lana gets it) and imagining the lotus position with james…

OH FUCK anon you just gave me an idea

James Hetfield x reader

“𝓐𝓵𝓵 𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓼 𝓽𝓸 𝓭𝓸 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓽𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓽𝓽𝔂 𝓫𝓪𝓫𝔂.”

“It’s not just two horny humans anymore, it’s two hearts.”

one shot x reader

disclaimers : age gap (modern day james), smut, fluff, unprotected sex, cursing, smoking, for my romantic (but horny) james lovers, kids go back to ur parents <33

4.3k words

AO3 link

༄♡. 𖧹⋆✰

It’s a late Saturday night and my friend asked me to join him at the bar he sent me the address of. I don’t know this town very well. To be honest, I just came here because of him. I needed an excuse to move out from my old town and see something new and this guy I was talking with seemed like a good exit door. Truth is, this man is not as nice and good as he seemed. I’m the typical case of a woman manipulated and lied to just for sex. And even, I used him too in a way so if the sex is good what’s so wrong? But even this is bad. He only thinks for himself and himself only, not caring if I finish nor if I like it. He calls me, we hook up, he comes and then leaves telling me he’ll take me on a nice date next time. It never happened, and it will never do. I don’t even want to. I don’t even know if I want to stay here. So what am I doing here still running after him to be treated like shit? Here’s the answer, I just don’t have anything better to do. I don’t know anybody and I’ve got no idea how the people in this city are. So I go to every single one of his so-called “dates” waiting for a new day to start. When I find something better to do I promise that it will be passionate and most importantly; fulfilling. Fuck.

Standing in front of the bar I light myself a cigarette waiting for him. We usually have a drink and then go straight to it. Saying I’d need a drink to be able to hook up with him would almost sound like unconscious rape so I will not say that, I consent to this bullshit. But I definitely need something to drink to be able to listen to him and his tremendous fucking ego.

While I’m waiting I see this group of guys enter the bar. They look older than me, around their 50s maybe even if they definitely look younger than that. There’s four of them, one of them has long black hair nicely put back in a braid, another one has grey hair and wears a hat. To be honest, I just heard the third guy call him a “dumbass” so that’s how I’d describe him. This third guy has a very beautiful face, I must admit, with long curly salt and pepper hair. But this is nothing compared to the fourth guy. I think I have never seen a man that attractive, he’s quite tall and he’s got short white hair. He wears a black shirt that exposes his heavily tattooed arms. My fucking god he is hot. I can’t see clearly because it’s nighttime but I’m pretty sure he’s got ocean blue eyes. Which would be the cherry on the cake for my heart. I feel like I know them from somewhere but that might just be me. They’re all laughing and joking around and the fourth guy I was talking about notices me and says hello with a smile from afar. He must have noticed me creeping over them, shit. At least his smile is beautiful. I say hello back and leave them to enter the bar.

I can’t believe it! While I was lost watching over those guys I didn’t notice this fucking asshole was 30 minutes late! Fuck it! I’ve had enough! I call him twice before getting him over the phone.

*”- Yeah baby I’m sorry I’m late.” he says in an unbothered voice. “I had something more urgent to do.” he adds.

“- Something? That’s what I am? Something? You fucking asshole! Could you at least have the fucking decency to tell me you will not come?” i answer, obviously pissed.

“- Hehe sorry!” he laughs slightly. “It’s okay, you agreed it was nothing serious between us so just go home and next time I’ll take you on a nice date.” he dares to say.

“- What the fuck? You think I want to see you again? Get fucked!” i yell.

“- Do whatever you want, it's not gonna change my life much, you’re too frigid for me anyway.”

“- Too frigid?? Maybe if you knew how to use your dick properly instead of shaking it around in my pussy to come after 30 seconds I would be more expressive! What the fuck do you know anyway? You probably don’t know what pleasure on a woman looks like since you’ve never been able to give it to them!”

“- Bit-” i hang up before he can say anything else.*

I also block his number, he already sent me a few messages. What the fuck? I know I was not thinking too much about this but I won’t accept to be treated like property. I don’t want to waste this time I spent alone outside so I decide to go inside for a drink before going back to the shitty place I’m renting. That’s decided, fuck this town, I don’t wanna stay here. I’ll go fool around the west coast or lose myself in some mountains. I’m an artist, I don’t have money so I’ll see what I can do.

Sitting at the bar drinking my vodka I notice the guys from earlier in the booth on the corner. The light is still pretty dark so I can’t seem to really catch their expressions. Whatever man. My time at the bar is just me looking at those guys while talking to the waitress who’s also been with a lot of assholes that just wanted to play with her. Her name is Hailey, we got along so well she gave me her number. I don’t wanna get drunk so I just sip my drink slowly to retard the moment I’ll have to go.

“- Hey girl, stop looking over they must have enough!” Hailey commands with a laugh.

“- What do you mean? Can’t even see them well from here.” i answer, taking a sip of my drink.

“- They’re the guys from Metallica! They had some shooting for a video to do around here that’s why they’re here. I can’t believe they’d choose to come to this bar out of all the ones in town. I must admit that they’re actually pretty normal humans!” she explains.

“- What did you think, they were aliens?” i say, completely unbothered.

“- When your band is that orgasmic, yes. Like I’d love to meet a human man that could make me feel like they do.” she laughs.

“- I’ll drink to that!” i say taking another sip of my drink.

“- You look completely out of this? You not into metal?”

“- Oh.. I very much am. It’s just… I don’t even know what to think anymore with all that happened tonight. And I mean.. It’s cool that they’re here and all but what do you want me to do. It’s not like I’m gonna become their best friend. Here they’re just four guys sharing a drink after work.” i chuckle.

“- I guess you’re right.” Hailey tilts her head.

Hailey takes the tray and goes in the back of the bar to serve some drinks. I’m left alone for some time trying to think about what’s next for me to come. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize Metallica before, I guess I can’t see very well in the dark. So the first one was Rob I think, then the “dumbass” was Lars, the fourth with the beautiful face Kirk and of course James. The tall tattooed one with the black shirt, no wonder I thought he was hot. I always thought so. Whatever era of his, I think he’s my ideal type. If you saw the guy I was supposed to meet with tonight you’d laugh at me for lowering my standards so much. But listen. A girl like me could never get a guy like him. Plus, to him I’m surely a young chick who doesn’t know what she wants. It’s wrong though, I know what I want. Something deep and passionate with somebody that’s not afraid of telling me they care about me. Something adult. It’s 2023 and I can’t believe guys like this asshole I was supposed to hook up with still exist. Okay if you want casual sex but be honest about it and get sex education for Christ’s sake. Now I want a man like James. At least a man that’s like how I would imagine him to be. I laugh by myself thinking about how dumb I am to think about this.

“- What’s so funny?” a deep voice asks me.

I almost choke at the surprise. Here he is, sitting next to me. James fucking Hetfield. I also see the other guys leaving the bar saying bye to me and James with a wave of hand. I turn my head to look at James clearly saying it all with my face. What the fuck is going on.

“- Nothing.” i cough. “Just silly thoughts.” i smile.

He is so beautiful. His face in the light is even more satisfying to look at.

“- Seems interesting.” he answers playfully.

I chuckle slightly. But I can’t wrap my head around why he would talk to me. I should be the one here all “stars in my eyes” asking him how he’s doing. Wait? Is he flirting with me? I turn my head to look at him in the eyes and go straight to the point.

“- James? What exactly do you want?” i ask, trying my best to stay composed.

“- I don’t know.” he holds my gaze. “What do you think I want?” he smiles.

“- A bouncy young chick you’ll never see again to blow you tonight?” i sarcastically answer. “If you want just that from me you can get fucked.” i continue.

I had my quota of assholes for the night and I don’t want to have the beautiful image I have of James to get broken too. Now that would really piss me off. I deeply hope it’s not the case. That he does want to fuck me but also to care about me. That he wants to be this passionate and deep relation I was thinking about. Or at least hear he wants to fuck me good and well and respect me. Just that. Just this would turn me on. Just this I would be willing to risk. I can hear James laugh at my raw words. At least he isn’t the type of guy to get his ego crushed because I talked coldly to him.

“- Not at all.” he stands up and puts himself behind me while approaching my ear. “I mean, I would love to make love to such a beautiful woman but certainly not use her and leave. I see things in a deeper way.” he whispers.

My eyes got bigger instantly. That’s all I needed to hear. I look into my pockets for the dollars I need to pay for my drink. I put them on the bar and stand up, taking James’s hand and dragging him out of the bar. His hand feels so good I can’t even explain the feeling. It’s rough but soft and the way he presses my hand into his to be sure he is not mistaking my gesture turns me on even more. It’s not just lust. There’s something so romantic about this.

Once outside the bar I stop, realising I don’t know where the fuck I’m going.

“- Where’s your hotel?” i ask, pressed.

“- Just at the end of the street.” he answers.

“- Kay, let’s go.”

I start walking confidently but James stops me and makes me look at him.

“- Are you sure about this?” James asks.

How thoughtful. I mean, it’s the bare minimum but I’ve never been asked that before. The guys I have been with didn’t give a shit. They could fuck and so they did without asking me if I was completely okay with it.

“- And you? Are you?” i answer.

“- More than anything.” he cups my face with hands.

He’s taller than me by a good head but I don’t feel threatened by his height. His hands feel so good and his eyes give me so much admiration, I just can’t resist.

“- James…” i almost whisper.

“- Tell me your name so I can beg for you. Because this doesn’t seem real.”

“- Y/n…”

“- So fucking beautiful.” he lets out. “Prove me it’s me real and I’m not just dreaming that the hottest chick in this town wants to go back to my room with me.”

I know what to do. I slowly put my hand on the back of his neck to pull him to me and just like that I kiss him. His lips are so soft and hot, I never felt such a thing while kissing somebody. It’s so overwhelming that my heart starts beating at an unhealthy beat. But also, it’s so peaceful, it’s exactly what I want to feel for the rest of my life.

I let my lips go from him and look at him, studying the blue of his eyes. Something changed. It’s not just two horny humans anymore, it’s two hearts.

“- Shit.” i hear James say.

He takes my hand back and this time, he is the one leading the way, being careful with every step I take for me not to be lost. I don’t know what he’s thinking and that makes me feel a mix of excitement and fear.

When we arrive in front of his hotel my heart starts to pound again. What is about to happen? Is he really in for it? If I mistook what he wanted from me I could at least say that I fucked Metallica’s singer. At least. That’s what I repeat myself. But the other part of my brain tells me to let go and see what’s gonna happen without any questions.

Waiting for the elevator to come he holds my hand tightly, like I am about to disappear into space.

The elevator comes and I am left here with him, just the two of us standing next to each other. The hotel is very big, so the elevator takes time and every minute feels longer than the other. Because I can’t touch him, because I can’t feel him. This highway to whatever is going to happen is the longest road I’ve ever had to take. But the best one yet.

As a way of waiting, I let my head rest on his arm next to me. His beautiful tattooed arm. But before I could really settle my head here James turns me around to kiss me.

“- I’m sorry, I can’t wait.” James almost whispers.

I moan into his mouth as a way to give my approval and he grabs me by the back of my thighs and wraps my legs around his waist, my arms going straight to hold the back of his neck. His lips derive from my lips to fall into my neck, biting the skin he leaves trails of kisses on. Fuck I didn’t knew I was that sensitive here. I need his lips on mine, I need his tongue to play with mine so I turn his head around with one of my hands, my lips practically begging at this point. As I deepen the kiss, I let his tongue enter my mouth and play with mine. God, it’s like he’s trying to look for all the places that make me feel good.

“- Wait wait James!” i exclaim.

“- What?” he answers, kissing my neck.

“- There’s cameras in elevators? Right?” i ask, afraid we might have been seen.

“- I couldn’t give less of a shit baby.” he responds immediately, letting a laugh out of me. “They can see a beautiful woman they’ll never have if they want.”

“A beautiful woman they’ll never have” what does he mean by that? What do you mean never have? I have no more time to be lost in my thoughts because the elevator just opened. James carries me through the hallway in the same position as we were in, my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms around his neck. One of his hands is on my ass, which makes me weaker than I would admit and the other is around my waist. I’m so glad that it’s late, nobody is walking around the hotel. I can also feel the hardness in his pants, teasing me just enough for me to get wet. I know what is gonna happen now, he’s gonna fuck me, and he’s gonna do it good. I’ve been waiting for this. And I can’t believe that none other than James Hetfield will do it. I’m so horny just thinking of it.

Opening his hotel room door he wastes no time to close the door and he drops me on the bed. Towering over me, he goes back to where he was before, kissing me, my neck and now the birth of my breasts. I push James's head slightly to have room to remove my shirt, which, when he understands my attention, does for me. My bra goes away at the same time as my shirt and here I am, topless, in front of a man that makes me feel so confused about my feelings.

“- Perfect. So perfect.” i hear him groan.

I moan at the touch of his soft lips sucking on my nipples. He bites them and sucks on them like he found a new instrument to play. I could come just because of this, this new feeling is incredible.

“- I want to make you feel so good.” James tells me, smiling.

I freeze and moan at his desire. Nobody has cared enough for me to do that. To want that. To care about my pleasure. James’s voice is so low and rough that it almost vibrates through my body, sending shivers to my heart and pussy. There’s nothing I can do. I want him. Whatever if he throws me out of his room after, I want him.

“- Can I?” he asks, his hands on the border of my pants.

“- Yes, but remove this before.” i answer, grabbing the end of his shirt.

He gets the message and lets me remove his shirt from him. What a beautiful sight. His body can tower over me easily, with his muscular back and broad shoulders. His tattoos I think are the best thing about this. It makes him look even more like a piece of art, and it contrasts his fit chest and stomach in the most beautiful way there is. He smiles at the way I look at his body. This smile, his tremendously beautiful smile.

James slides down on his knees right in front of the bed. He grabs my foot and removes my shoe, and does the same for the other. He then removes my pants to leave me only with my panties, my pussy throbbing at his gaze.

“- Even your legs are perfect. How have I not found you before?” he says, slowly kissing my legs.

I can’t think straight with James lips now kissing the interior of my thighs, getting dangerously close to my pussy at every one of his pecks. I slid my hand in his hair, avid for his touch.

“- James, please.” i beg.

“- Don’t beg darling. What you want I shall do. Tell me. What do you want?” James answers, languidly.

Breathing hard and shortly, I try to gather my words. I can’t believe this is happening.

“- Mmh…” i moan, trying to remove my underwear. “I want your lips…” i breath heavily. “Right here.” i finally say, resting my hand on my pussy.

James eyes glimmer as his gaze is fixed on mine. He doesn’t say anything but grunts in approval and removes my hands away from my panties, removing them by himself, leaving me fully exposed to him. His head dives instantly in between my legs like he’s been starving for it. Oh my god! That’s good! My hand in his hair, I keep him in between my legs, not wanting it to stop.

“- What a pretty cunt… what a pretty sight.” he whispers, latching on my clitoris.

This is the first time somebody eats me out. This is the first time I am feeling this and yet I know he’s better at it than average. His tongue alternates between my clitoris and my slit and my legs start to shake. But here’s the thing. I don’t want to come right now. I want to come with him. While he’s in me.

“- Ja..James!” i exclaim, lifting his head up with my hands. “I want you.”

James puts himself on his knees and kisses my lips softly. So desperate for him I open his belt and pants. James puts his fingers under my chin and locks his gaze into mine.

“- Look at you. So desperate for my cock. I’m such an asshole making you beg for me. I should be the one doing that. I should be the one begging for you to even deserve the desire you have for such an old man.” he says.

He finishes removing his pants and underwear and only now I realise how big he is. I have never had something like that. His cock is thick and big with a vein poking along the shaft. It looks more than ready to be in me. And this makes me even more horny.

I raise myself on my knees too and put my hands on both sides of his face.

“- I think I’ve got a taste for men who are older. Or maybe just for you. Because no man has ever made me feel what you make me feel. Just in an hour, you’ve made me more fulfilled than I have ever been.” i admit, kissing him.

Sitting on the mattress, James grabs the back of my thighs so I can sit on him and wrap my legs around him. I wrap my arms around his neck, again. This position we’re in, the lotus, is so intimate, like something you would do with your partner, not an unknown chick you’ve met an hour ago. My tits press against his chest and both our hearts beat at the same pace. His cock is teasing my entrance and his gaze is locked in mine.

“- I should find those boys and teach them a lesson. How dare they have the audacity not to make you feel fulfilled.” he kisses my neck. “This will never happen again as long as you’re with me.” he adds, his head buried in my neck.

Did he just ask me to stay with him? Did he just say that he wanted to be with me? I can’t even think about it more as I feel his cock entering me. It’s stretching me out. And it feels so good.

“- Fuck, this is so big!” i bite my lower lip.

I moan and he starts to move into me slowly, he’s so deep and I can barely hold it together.

“- That’s it babygirl, you’re doing good.” he tells me, removing the hair out of my face.

The way he talks to me makes me crazy. The way he holds me makes me weak. The way he looks at me makes me feel alive. This is what I meant when I said I wanted something passionate and deep. Talking about deep, the connection we have as his cock moves in and out of me is incredible. You can probably see the stars in my eyes. And I can see the fire in his.

“- Mhhh… James! AAahh!” i scream, feeling numb.

“- Oh y/n. Mmmh…” he grunts. “You are so beautiful bouncing on my cock like this.”

“- Stop… mmmh… stop telling me those things…” i let out in between whimpers. “Or I’ll be sad… mmh… when I have to go.” i add, hearing him groan as an answer.

I feel my release coming. I’ve never felt that good. The only times I have come before were when I was touching myself, it’s the first time a man will do it. And what a man. I will be sad when I have to go, I wish I could have sex with him everyday, I wish I could kiss him every minute. It might sound cliché to feel such things towards a man like him in such a short time. I said he’d fuck me and fuck me good. But he’s making love to me.

I see his face flinch and he kisses me.

“- I can feel you tighten around my cock...mmmh..” he says. “Come. Come for me baby.”

I can also feel his cock twitch in me. I know he’s about to come too.

“- James… mmmhh… please! Come in me! Please! Aaahh!” i tighten my arms around his neck, throwing my head into his neck, coming as i implore.

“- Fuck… you are so amazing.” he says, out of breath, coming deep into me, letting little whimpers out of me.

I can hear his heartbeat through his chest as his cock softens into me. This feeling is so peaceful and makes me forget about what is to come next. It makes me feel so important and cared for. It’s two hearts. And I don’t wanna leave. He’s making me crazy. Here, in his arms, in this position, I don’t want this to end.

“- Y/n.” he calls. “Stay with me.” he demands, his hands falling on my waist. “Stay with me. I’ll take you anywhere you want, give you everything you want. I know it’s selfish to ask you to leave everything so I can be with you but I need you. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. But I do.” he begs.

“- Oh James. I fucking hate this town. Take me anywhere you want.” i answer.

I was the loneliest and most bored woman on earth some hours ago. Now I’m the happiest and most fulfilled. I think, while James locks his promise with a passionate kiss on my lips.

༄♡. 𖧹⋆✰

A/N : the lotus like man i just want to do that with james it feels so deep! thank you anon because this gave me an idea for this oneshot, i wrote this with of course, cola in my mind because lana does gets it. i usually write stuff with rough sex and all but something more soft from time to time doesn’t hurt, hope you’ll love this anon, and everybody else (james you can take me anywhere) <33

[lolamarlowe65]

that’s what i’d do with James like all the time

sending them nudes while they're busy is so fun like yes i wanna make u horny at the most inappropriate times

[coqvttes]

i physically cannot look in his direction without folding-

i’m just trying to walk my dog, and i see him, HES SWEATY I REPEAT SWEATY!! and fixing one of the tractors or something and he grins and says good morning to me like WHAT TYE FUCK WHAT THE FORKK IM LITERALLY TRYING NIT TO DROOL RIGHT HERE. 😭

[sirenvrse]

Don't think about bugs always having a mandatory love interest and how that affects daffy. Don't think about it. Don't think about how one second daffy is spending the night bantering and joking with bugs, eating the dinner he knows is made for him and him only. Reveling in the fact that bugs was expecting, anticipating, if not, then maybe even hoping that daffy will show up and bugs *prepared* a dinner for him. And then the other second having to look at every single piece of merchandise and media pushing this picture perfect relationship of Bugs and Lola. Don't think about how Daffy had to sit through each and every love interest that bugs had. Whether that's honey bunny or Penelope or currently, Lola. How he watched as bugs allegedly, "fell in love" with them, as far as the audience knows. And don't think about how, maybe somewhere in the haze, he started to doubt bugs himself. What if he *did* fall in love and everything daffy sees is just a delusion? What if all they've been through is just that. A circumstance. What if the mandatory love interest is more? More than they ever were?

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Daffy isn't ever going to be some one who bugs is in love with. And that has nothing to do with bugs' feelings, no, it's just how the universe works. They weren't meant to be, not in the official sense.

[dibbledoodle]

BRO WHY THESE DATING BOTS be TRIFLIN IN MY DMS LIKE ZAME

I know i be lil thirsty for certain lion man, LET ME BE SINGLE WITH MY DELUSIONS I don’t need whoochi bitch named Lola that lives 15 min away to satisfy me✨ she can stay away 💅

That’s my Ted talk

[biboybuckley]

Dead Eyes

Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard | 2.8k | Teen and Up Audiences | Hurt/Comfort: Nightmare Edition

Neil has a nightmare and, despite his best efforts to handle it on his own, Andrew is there.

read on ao3

Neil didn’t expect the nightmares to stop. He never allowed himself the delusion of thinking that with his father gone and his mind and body both working through the achingly slow process of healing - one he isn’t sure will ever end - to imagine that the ghosts of his past life and the memories woven into their faces would ever stop tormenting him, especially in his sleep. 

But. Still.

There’s a part of him now, as he clutches the edges of the sink with a white knuckled grip and grinds his teeth together so hard he things he may break them, that desperately wishes he could seal his demons in a box, throw it into the deepest recess of his mind, and have a little time before they clawed their way back out. 

It doesn’t work like that, and Neil knows it, but he’d like to be able to open his eyes. 

He has them clenched tightly shut, his entire face screwed up, every muscle in his body tense and taught with a herculean effort to stop shaking. He was shaking when he woke up, he was shaking when he stumbled his way out of bed into the bathroom, but he swears he almost shook all the way apart when he caught his own reflection in the mirror. 

Dead eyes stared back at him. 

He tried wearing contacts again - briefly, last summer after everything with Ichirou was settled - but it didn’t take. When he’d walked out of the bathroom, Andrew had taken one look at him and caught his chin in an unforgiving grip when Neil tried to sidestep him. 

“No,” Andrew had said simply, but the look in his eyes was fierce and the clench of his jaw was tight. 

“I’m sick of seeing him,” Neil countered. Andrew hadn’t budged. 

“Then don’t see him,” he said after a beat. As if it were that easy. “See you.”

“I can’t-”

“He doesn’t get to take anything anymore.”

Neil’s response died in his throat as he tried to process that. 

Andrew released him with a shove back towards the bathroom. “Take them out.”

Neil knew he didn’t have to, that Andrew would give in if Neil pushed back, but Neil just swallowed his argument and took the contacts out. 

Now, with his eyes squeezed shut so hard it’s already giving him a headache, Neil wishes he hadn’t let Andrew throw them all out. He’d almost tried to save a pair, but one look from Andrew said all it needed to convince him not to. The contacts were a way to hide. Neil wasn’t doing that anymore. He had no one to hide from.  No one but myself, he thinks bitterly now. A tremor travels down his spine, sending gooseflesh across his skin. His chest feels tight and his breath shudders as he tries to inhale deeply through his nose and slowly through his mouth.

Having his eyes closed isn’t great either. All it does is allow the remnants of his nightmare to flash unbidden behind his eyelids, for the ghosts that cling to his very soul to torment him further. 

 You could just not look at the mirror, a voice in his head reminds him. But, no. No, he can’t. If he opens his eyes, they’ll find his own reflection again.

Neil spent a lot of time avoiding mirrors directly following his stint with Lola and Nathan, but eventually he got comfortable enough with his own reflection so it wasn’t really a problem. But when he’s like this, it’s like there are invisible fingers guiding his face towards the mirror, urging him to look, not allowing him to wrench his gaze away from his own eyes. 

He’s working on it. Well, he’s trying to. But it’s a hard thing to work on when failure means spiraling so deeply into his own demons that he’s made himself sick before. 

No, the dark of his own mind is better. Even if it is plagued by dead parents and sadistic smiles, knives and fire. 

Neil clenches his fingers a little tighter around the cold porcelain. Dimly, he worries he might break it. But he’s far too concerned now with finding some semblance of solidity, and the bite of the ceramic into his flesh - too dull to break his skin, but hard enough to bruise - offers him that. Offers him a small reminder that he’s real, and he’s here, and he’s not breaking apart into a million pieces despite what it may feel like. His stomach may churn and his throat may feel like it’s collapsing in on itself, and he may not be able to stop fucking shaking, but he’s here. 

He strains his ears, listening for any sounds from the other room. But there’s two doors between him and Andrew, and even then Andrew barely makes a sound in his sleep. Neil’s just grateful he manages to slip out of bed without stirring the other man. 

A part of Neil knows it’s stupid, that Andrew will probably be pissed in the morning if he somehow pieces together that Neil didn’t wake him, but Neil knows there’s been plenty of times Andrew hasn’t woken him. 

Another part of him, a part of him that he is trying valiantly to smother right now, desperately wishes he had woken Andrew, that Andrew was a solid line behind him for Neil to lean into and a secure pair of arms to hold him together so Neil didn’t have to do it himself. 

Neil blames that small, weak part of himself for what happens next. 

A thin, reedy sound falls from his lips and he struggles through another breath, his head dropping down between his shoulders as he twists his fingers in a desperate attempt to feel the porcelain bite into his skin. 

Fire. He’s on fire. 

There’s flames licking at his cheekbones, burning down his throat, skating across his skin. He’s burning from the inside out and he has no way to put it out. He can only twist his grip on the sink tighter and tighter as waves of flames travel down his body, rocking him harshly as his muscles tremble. He’s panting now, harsh breaths puffing through his clenched teeth as he screws up his face, his eyes staying shut as sparks dance behind his eyelids. 

It’s an eternity before the flames release him, leaving him sagging against the sink, not letting up his death grip for even a moment as he tries to catch his breath. Absently, he notes a tear working its way down his cheek. There’s a dull throbbing in his fingers from how hard he’s clenching the ceramic. His head is pounding now, in time with his racing pulse. 

The scars he carries feel ripped open, and it takes all his willpower to convince himself that’s not possible and he’s not bleeding out onto the floor. Still, the tremors become harder as phantom blood tracks down his skin. 

His breaths are coming fast despite his best efforts to calm himself, and he can feel frustrated tears burn behind his eyes. It feels as though the demons in his mind are stabbing hot knives at every vulnerable spot they can find, slicing his mental defenses to little ribbons with glee. 

Nathan’s cold smile flashes behind his eyelids and he can feel his own lips curving into a cruel mockery of it. The insane urge to laugh bubbles up in his chest, but he stamps it back down. He doesn’t need Andrew walking in on him laughing maniacally as he attempts to crush their sink to dust beneath his fingers. 

He swallows his laughter and tries to count to ten and then back to zero in as many languages as he can. It works well enough for the laugh to shrivel and die in the hollow cavity of his chest, but soon enough the numbers - he got as far as Russian - get lost in the static fuzz of his panicked mind. Every part of him wants to run right now. 

Neil knows he could just go for a run of Perimeter Road, but he’s not sure he trusts himself enough in this state to not just keep running. It’s his first instinct, a feeling so familiar it may as well be carved into his bones, woven through the strands of his DNA. He’s not sure if he’s gripping the sink so hard to keep himself from flying apart or to keep himself from bolting. Either way, he grips it like his very life depends on it, and he grinds his teeth, and he tries to continue his Russian counting. 

In the state he’s in, his mind a haze of panic and every nerve ending set on fire with adrenaline, Neil is hyper aware of his surroundings. He feels the brush of the very air against the skin of his arms, feels the sweat beading on his brow, feels the press of his cotton T-shirt resting against his chest. 

He hears when one of the floor boards in the bedroom creaks. 

Neil strains his ears, his breath catching in his throat. 

He hears the first door open. 

Run.

He hears another step land on the floor. 

Run!

He hears the bathroom door open. 

RUN!

He forces himself to still, the trembling beneath his skin fighting against every ounce of willpower he’s using to quell it. He can’t feel Andrew, but he knows he’s there, just a mere two feet away. 

He holds his breath still, waiting through the agonizingly long moments before-

“Yes or no?” 

Andrew’s voice is rough with sleep, thick with something Neil can’t piece together right now, and unwaveringly firm. 

“Yes,” Neil chokes out on his second attempt to answer, barely anything more than a ragged gasp tearing itself from his throat, clawing its way out whether Neil wants it to or not. 

In an instant, Andrew’s there, a solid line of heat at his back. A heavy palm lands on the back of his neck, hot fingers squeezing the sides of his throat in a silent command. Neil jerks his head in a harsh no. He can’t. He can’t move, he can’t do what Andrew wants, he can’t think, he can’t-

“Neil.” Andrew’s voice is a low rumble, softening the turmoil inside of Neil, flowing over him like golden honey. But his shoulders instinctively hunch higher, the lines of tension in his body blocking out Andrew despite Neil’s desperation to give in to him. 

“Neil.”

Neil lets out a thin sound through clenched teeth, straining to get the words out, to explain to Andrew that he can’t move or he won’t stop moving until he’s running. That the only reason he’s still here is because he won’t let himself move. 

But he doesn’t have to say a word. He never really does when it comes to Andrew, never has. Andrew just… knows. 

The grip on the back of his neck tightens and Andrew tugs Neil roughly, but so painfully gently all at the same time, towards him. Neil’s hands refuse to listen, gripping the sink. 

“Let go.” 

As if it were that easy. 

“Let. Go.” A warning growl tinges Andrew’s words and he pulls Neil at the same time, and Neil loses his grip on the ceramic edges with a harsh gasp. Before he can fall or shatter or dissipate into nothing, though, he’s yanked into Andrew’s solid chest, the hand on the back of Neil’s neck squeezing fiercely, the other coming up to grip his shoulder. 

Neil’s hands, desperate for something to cling to, find purchase in Neil’s own shirt, a fist digging into his stomach, and in Andrew’s, clutching the fabric of his shirt just the the side of where Neil’s forehead is pressed into Andrew’s chest, held there by Andrew’s own hand. 

It isn’t until Neil starts to feel the steady thump of Andrew’s pulse beneath his knuckles that Neil is able to suck in a full, ragged gasp of air instead of the short bursts he’d been gasping since Andrew touched him. Andrew doesn’t move, Neil can barely even feel the rise and fall of his breaths. The only sign he has that Andrew is alive and real and there is the pounding of his heart beneath Neil’s own touch.

“Breathe,” Andrew instructs, like it’s just that simple. 

But Neil gave himself over to Andrew the moment he released the sink. And Andrew says to breathe. 

Neil takes a slow breath, the cool air soothing his burning lungs and raw throat. He sucks in deep breath after deep breath through clenched teeth, guided by the stroke of Andrew’s fingers on the back of Neil’s neck, grounded by the press of Andrew’s chin into the crown of Neil’s head. He thinks he hears Andrew murmur Good into his hair, but he has no way of knowing if he actually did. 

After several minutes of neither of them moving, Andrew pulls back slightly. Neil tries to move with him, a small, broken sound falling from his lips. The hand that isn’t on Neil’s neck moves to grip his chin, forcing Neil to stop and face Andrew. 

“Look at me,” Andrew says.

Neil’s voice trembles and cracks, “I can’t.”

“Neil.” Neil just gives an aborted shake of his head, stopped by Andrew’s grip on his chin. “Abram.” Neil sucks in a sharp breath. “Look at me.” 

Neil opens his eyes. 

Hazel eyes, fiery and fierce with an emotion Neil’s spent brain doesn’t have the dedication to find a name for right now, stare back at him. Andrew’s jaw is tense, concern written in the tight corners of his mouth and slight crease of his brow. 

His eyes - Neil’s always loved Andrew’s eyes, even before he realized he loved them - search Neil’s own. The tight panic in Neil’s chest begins to unravel further under Andrew’s steady gaze. He releases his death grip on Andrew’s shirt, pressing a flat palm to his chest instead, feeling the thump of his heart once more. His other fist stays pressed into his own stomach, clenching his shirt tightly. 

But his breaths come easier now, and the fog of panic is beginning to lift. His jaw aches as he lets some of the tension release. 

“Who was it?” Andrew asks after a long beat of silence. 

Neil instantly stiffens again, his breath stopping in his throat and threatening to choke him. 

Andrew squeezes the back of his neck again, fiercely. Neil refocuses on Andrew’s eyes, resisting the replay of his nightmare that’s starting in his own mind. 

Andrew doesn’t ask again, just stares Neil down and grips the back of his neck so tight it's just this side of painful. 

It takes Neil a few tries to get the names out. “Nicky. Nicky and Dan.”

The only sign that he actually said it aloud is a tightening of the muscles around Andrew’s mouth and a nearly imperceptible nod. His death grip on Neil’s neck relaxes, his fingers petting through the fine hair at the base of his skull and down the overheated skin of his neck. 

Neil’s breathing has gotten close to normal, the adrenaline starting to wear off now that instead of falling endlessly, he has Andrew to crash into. Andrew to catch him and hold him together. 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Andrew asks after several more infinite moments, his gaze never wavering from Neil’s.

Neil can’t stop the full-body flinch at the question. Andrew doesn’t say a word, and Neil doesn’t have to either. Andrew just nods, his fingers still stroking the skin of Neil’s neck. He doesn’t let go of Neil’s chin either, keeping his gaze trained into Neil’s eyes as though he can read his very soul through them. 

“How can you stand them?” Neil blurts it out before he can think better of it. He opens his mouth to explain, but then closes it. He doesn’t have to. 

Andrew’s quiet for a moment. He shifts his hold on Neil’s jaw, pressing three fingers under his chin to tilt his face up more, brushing his thumb across Neil’s bottom lip impossibly softly. He studies Neil’s eyes carefully, thoughtfully, and then shrugs one shoulder. 

“They’ve never been anything other than you for me.” He tilts his head slightly, as if considering. “One of the first real parts of you that I got.”

The unexpected answer steals Neil’s breath again, though this time not from panic. Andrew doesn’t look into his eyes and see the eyes of a killer, of someone heartless and cruel and demanding. Andrew doesn’t see dead eyes.

“Yes or no?” Neil whispers breathlessly. 

Andrew’s lips twitch ever so slightly and he lifts his chin. “Yes.” 

Neil crushes his mouth to Andrew’s, the kiss tinged with desperation and fading panic, but also - hope. Hope that one day, Neil can look into his own eyes and see what Andrew does. Hope that his eyes aren’t really dead, because he sure as hell isn’t. 

[lolamarlowe65]

my aesthetic of the day <33

[tricksterkat209]

nine five people I’d like to get to know better

Tagged by @the-marron - thank you! :D

🎶 Last song I listened to: One OK Rock- Delusion: All

📺 Currently watching: Finished Mysterious Lotus Casebook today. Apart from that: My Stand In (2 episodes to go so the term is rather loosely applied in this case as well) and rewatching Under the Skin

🌶️ Sweet/Savory/Spicy?: Sweet and savoury. I like a bit of spice but my spice tolerance is kinda meh unfortunately

❤️ Relationship status: Single, not really wanting to mingle

🤩 Current obsession: I mean I fell face first back into the Guardian fandom...

Tagging: @lil-miss-lola @silverstone-gp @sadviper @frenchiepal @lesmismignon (as always feel free to ignore this!)

[lolamarlowe65]

god just spread a little bit of everything into that man and thought we wouldn’t notice

okay but the fact that james looks good no matter what is so crazy to me…

young, old

tattoos, no tatoos

piercings, no piercings

skinny, chunky

any hairstyle

literally any type of facial hair

he‘s just so…

this man was hand crafted by god

[vanmarkus]

*butting in* I feel like there has to be something coming unless they forgot their own writing? in buck's coma dream bobby told him that if it's still important to him how people see him, he hasn't learned anything. and then he says natalia sees him, even sees more in him than he does himself. so really unless nothing means anything anymore, they have to make him understand he's wrong about her

I'm assuming this is a different anon? 🤭

But yes the first time I watched the cemetery scene I definitely felt like the word choice was deliberate.

I personally think that the whole 'see me' thing started in season 2 with Lola, the woman on the billboard above the interstate.

I originate his whole idea of the importance of being seen to when Buck was talking to her about Abby and (ofc not us and not the show knew it at the time yet but) his parents and the way they 'looked through him'.

Idk I really hope it'll be a cohesive storyline in the end, because let's be honest: Natalia doesn't see shit.

She met Buck on the job and still forgot that he was a first responder when Kameron went into labour, asking if they should 'leave this to the professionals'.

Buck is a firefighter, that's who he is at the core.

And to allow myself a moment of delusion; I hope that couch goes to the curb when Buck finally moves in with Eddie. 😌

[igazikutya]

Grand Traxelektor 2023/2 – „Move!"

Minden vallásban nagy szerepe van a várakozásnak, és ti, mint gyakorló traxeletoristák minden évben 12 hónapon át követhetitek, halljátok-látjátok, ahogyan gyarapszik a szelekt, hogy aztán év végén, a traxelektori szentháromság szuperszelekcióján áthaladva meghallgathassátok a mind/move/sense kompilációkat. Áldott legyen a teljesség! Xelektbe! Randomba! Krosszfédbe!

Grand Traxelektor 2023/1 – „Move!” - Spotify Playlist Link

[82/89, 8h 9m / 8h 59m, 92,1%] A táncos válogatás majdnem 9 órás, 89 felvételt tartalmaz, az online verzió ennél csak kevéssel rövidebb (8% a veszteség).

Grand Traxelektor 2023/1 – „Move!” - Full Playlist

Abstract Division - A Surreal Odyssey (Fixeer Remix)[Midnight Ensemble - The Remixes - Part 1, Dynamic Reflection] Abstract Division - Perception Is Reality (DJ Nobu Remix)[Midnight Ensemble - The Remixes - Part 1, Dynamic Reflection] Adam Pits - Gadget Crew [Gadget Crew, Constant Sound] Al Wootton - Vitus [Vitus, Optimo Music] Alessandro Adriani - Kybernetes [VA - Limitation, Pi Electronics] Amor Satyr - Quer Dancar?[Transfer, Seilscheibenpfeiler Schallplatten Berlin] Amor Satyr - Rebola [Transfer, Seilscheibenpfeiler Schallplatten Berlin] Ancient Methods - Seers Turned To Voyeurs [The Third Siren, Persephonic Sirens] Anoesis - Cat Vision [Memory On Memory, Paper-Cuts] Anoesis - Track Thirty 7 [Stasislogue, Cyphon] Anthony Linell - Sky Crash Over Me [Sheltering Skies, Northern Electronics] Benedikt Frey - Crank [Fastlane, ESP Institute] Benedikt Frey - Fast Lane [Fastlane, ESP Institute] Broken English Club - Ersatz (Club Edit)[The Artificial Animal Edits, Death & Leisure] Cleveland - Pryd BK [Lola Ran, Kalahari Oyster Cult] Clouds - Corestyle [Clubmatter, Perc Trax] Dawl - Soundwave Disorder [Soundwave Disorder, Acid Boom] Detroits Filthiest - Face Your Fate [100 Percent Authenticity Guaranteed, Casa Voyager] Developer - No Traitors[Hexmode, Modularz] Developer - Volver [Hexmode, Modularz] Djedjotronic - Frozen [Smog on the Dancefloor, Italo Moderni] Djedjotronic feat. REIN - Smog on the Dancefloor [Smog on the Dancefloor, Italo Moderni] Domenico Crisci & Retina.it - Across The Glitch [Diorama, Semantica]

Exium - Cronus [Regressions EP, Void +1] Exium - Unknown Form [Regressions EP, Void +1] Giant Swan - Abacuses [Fantasy Food, KECK] Hiroaki Iizuka - Recall [Recall, Arts Collective] Hoshina Anniversary - Dareka no Rettoukan wo Nomikomu [HakkyouShisou, Constellation Tatsu]Humanoid - Si-rak [Sweet Acid Sound, De_tuned] Humanoid - Sweet Acid Sound [Sweet Acid Sound, De_tuned] interferenc - Orphaneum [pH4R, Self-Released] interferenc - re-fuffl [pH4R, Self-Released] Jerome Hill - The Warning [Crude Appraisal, Super Rhythm Trax] Judgitzu - Sator Arepo [Sator Arepo, Nyege Nyege Tapes] Judgitzu - Vitalimetre [Sator Arepo, Nyege Nyege Tapes]Karenn - Feeling Horizontal [Everything Is Curly, VOAM] Kike Pravda - High Voltage [High Voltage, Mord] Kike Pravda - Protone [Dimensional EP, Senoid]

Laurent Garnier feat. Alan Watts - Tales from The Real World [33 Tours Et Puis S’en Vont, COD3 QR] Legowelt - Dimensionless Moog SP [The MidiVerb Chalice, Axumisia] Legowelt - From a Dusty MonoPoly [The MidiVerb Chalice, Axumisia]Lisene - Square One [Square One, Craigie Knowes] Lew E - Touched [Touched / Teardrop, Basic Spirit] Luke Slater & Dubfire - The Dissent [The Dissent, Mote-Evolver] Magna Pia - Gudanna [QUT, Counterchange] Martyn X Om Unit - Dragonfly [AJ^6, 3024] Matrixxman - Airlock [Dust World, Self-Released] Meemo Comma - Cloudscape [Loverboy, Planet Mu] Na Nich - Inlamint [Black Soil, Delsin] Na Nich - Subway [Black Soil, Delsin] Nørbak - Lux [Passo Lento, Hayes] Oblako Maranta - Analog Garbage [Trance Beckenbauer, Thisbe] Orbital feat. Dina Ipavic - Day One [Optical Delusion, London] Orlando Voorn - Outerworld [Outerworld, TRUST] Orphx - Gateway [The Way Through All Things, Sonic Groove] Orphx - Hungry Ghosts (Revenant)[Revenant, Self-Released] Orphx - In The Presence [The Way Through All Things, Sonic Groove] Orphx - Man Of Sorrows [The Way Through All Things, Sonic Groove] Orphx - Vanishing Point (Erasure)[Revenant, Self-Released]

Paleman - Bite [Veiled, Sublunar] Peverelist - Pulse III [Pulse EP, Livity] Piezo - Cyclic Wavez [Cyclic Wavez EP, Nervous Horizon] Pris - Angel [Phantom, Resin] Pugilist - Circuit Breaker [Negative Space, Of Paradise] Rhys Fulber - Stare at the Sun (Orphx Remix)[Brutal Nature Redux, FR] Rødhåd - Newspeak (2023 Edit)[Revisited, WSNWG Back To Zero] Rødhåd & Vril - Target Line (Vril Remix 2023)[Revisited, WSNWG Back To Zero] Rrose - A Row of Cylinders [Tulip Space, Eaux] RVSHES - DSR_MTS VI [Mantis 12, Delsin] Sam KDC - Dominion [VA - Limitation, Pi Electronics] Sam KDC - Indra's Net [Omnia, Samurai Music] Scuba - Nowot [Hardcore Heaven, Hotflush] Si Begg - Energy [Energie Electrique, Central Processing Unit] Silicon Scally - Wave Dynamics [Mr Machine Part 2, Cultivated Electronics] Siu Mata - Ur [Amasia, Nervous Horizon] Suokas - Hoarfrost [Unreleased III, Laes] Surgeon - Masks & Archetypes [Crash Recoil, Tresor] Tefnect - Failure Teaches Success [Better Late Than Never, Meditation] Terence Fixmer - State of Disorder [State of Disorder, Planete Rouge] Totek - Closer [ttk. 1, Darker Than Wax] Tzusing - Gait [绿帽 Green Hat, PAN] Tzusing - 孝忍狠 (Filial Endure Ruthless)[绿帽 Green Hat, PAN] Umwelt - Mind War Acid [VA - Ravexistence, Rave Or Die] Univac - MagnetFunk [MagnetFunk, 30D ExoPlanets] Univac - Sample This [MagnetFunk, 30D ExoPlanets] Viels - Eracly [Distorted Reality, Dynamic Reflection] Viels - Lives Circle [Distorted Reality, Dynamic Reflection] Yaleesa Hall - Fourth Cullen [Cullen, Will & Ink] Yaleesa Hall - Newman [Newman, Will & Ink]

[coqvttes]

i did end up going to see him today. i brought him like some lemon elderflower soda thing that i made with my grandmother.

he liked it and we chatted whilst he was cleaning an engine or some shit idek but he’s hot when he did it so that’s alright.

he has good music taste, he listens to like cigarettes after sex, radiohead, the 1975, coldplay, and blur too sooo like shut up and just kiss me already? 😛

he’s also so good with animals like, when he plays around with my labrador it’s the cutestt thing everr

sorry i keep going on about him i can’t help it 💀

[leximitchells]

There's barely any young women left on the show. I don't like it.

imagine thinking that replacing THE lola pearce and THE whitney dean with anna and gina is going to be acceptable?????? it’s giving delusion

[lolamarlowe65]

𝓘𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 //James Hetfield

“The house next door was just sold, i hope the new neighbour will be nice.”

part eight of ? part seven

disclaimers: smut, age gap (modern day james), slow burn, cursing, smoking, drinking, kissing, mentions of a size kink, mentions of death, big girls stuff nsfw

Wattpad link

࿓ 𓋪・𖧹 𖤐

Chapter 8 - Unexpected turn

I didn't sleep much. Just enough to get me through the day. My mind was occupied with James's picture. During the night I grabbed my phone a few times just to look at it. I am the only one in the world who has this picture. It feels like a part of him; a very public character; is only for me and me only. I turned around in my bed thinking about what could have been his reaction to my picture. I thought that what I sent was too much for a slight moment but given the lingering lust we have for each other, I doubt that. He makes me so alive and I won't regret at least trying. I think so much and feel so much and nothing has even happened between us. I can't help but imagine being with him, at his side, not only for lust but also for him.

I'm trying my best to look alive at work. Pamela is in a bad mood. She actually entered the pharmacy and threw some papers on the floor screaming "motherfucker". She never tells me anything about her personal life and considering her pissy mood I won't dare ask.

The day is slow, it's like it will never end! The store is closed because we had inventory to do, then we've got deliveries and now we're cleaning and stocking back the shelves. I feel like I am dragged into the hell of one of Pamela's manic episodes. But frankly, it occupies my mind.

"- Hey Ann, can you put the TV on?! Like a music channel or something?!" Pamela asks me.

"- Yeah for sure!" i answer.

There's a TV on one of the shelves behind the counter, it's mostly used for commercials and stuff. Those give you headaches all the time and that's why I hate this TV. Except on inventory day, we put it on for music. It goes from shitty music videos to the old music I am so fond of up to interviews and lives. Right now there's this loud guy who's talking about some new exclusive interview with Metallica coming up next. Wait? Metallica?! I turn the sound up to be able to hear clearly. This must be the interview James was in San Francisco for.

"- Hey guys how are y'all doing?" the journalist asks.

Oh god, it is. I can see James clearly, he is the same. He doesn't put up a character or anything. I mean to me he is already very aloof and strong minded so I guess you don't need to change a thing when you're the frontman of a metal band. The fact is, his sweet smile and good heart doesn't disappear either. He mixes them both so well and stays himself. His voice is calm and his words are well chosen, it reminds me of how much I love talking to him. It makes me so happy. I hope I will see him lost in his music one day. Seeing him play must say so many more things.

I recognise Kirk next to him, he looks and sounds the same as when I met him. And the two other guys must be Lars and Robert. Who is who tho? Who is the one that would look the most like an hyperactive drummer boy? I could check but I'll let it go so I can discover it when time comes. If it ever comes. James looks so busy. They are passionately talking about their new upcoming album and their tour next year. I don't know if I will see him as much as I do today and this thought makes me sad. All the people I have an attachment to all go away at some point. I shouldn't think about it. I don't even know what I exactly feel about James. I shake my head around trying to get back to my work and get those thoughts out of my head.

"- So last but not least. James this question might be too personal but we know things changed around in your personal life. We'd love to know how things are going?" the reporter asked James.

I turn my head around. What a shitty question. "Personal life". It means what it says for Christ's sake! Still, I'd love to hear the answer. Just morbid curiosity. From what Stacy told me, I finally remember he got a divorce not long ago. I don't why but this information came back to mind now. Then he moved out here but we never talked about it and as much as I'd love to know about it in a more intimate setting and not through a very public interview I can't stop but listening to the answer. He is very secretive about it so I can't stop thinking he doesn't know what he feels about all that. He has this whole life build for himself, what could he possibly find interesting about a young chick like me? I know he's not doing all that just for my ass, but then, why?

"- Well man, things were complicated at first but I think I'm good now. Let's say "things" took an unexpected turn." James smiles and laughs slightly.

"- Oh! Interesting and are we going to know about this "unexpected turn" soon?" the reporter asks back.

"- That I can't tell you, but I sure hope." James smiles.

I think I turned red. I cannot be what he is talking about. Nah I can't. I'm not the centre of the world, even more of his. I play with his necklace around my neck trying to get all this out of my head.

"- Haha anyway thank you guys for accepting this interview, I know y'all are pretty busy those times." the journalist says before turning his head to look at the camera. "Stay tuned on this channel tomorrow night. Metallica is playing live for charity and we are here to retransmit it! See y'all tomorrow!"

They're playing tomorrow night? I think I will watch the live. I just want to see how he looks while playing, how they look as a band. I need to see this.

"- Hey Ann, the fuck you doing?" i hear Pam coldly saying. 

"- Yeah sorry Pam, coming right up." i answer.

She is right on this point, I just lost myself in my thoughts and the interview for a good amount of time. Let's go back to work. Time is so slow I don't know when I'll get out of here. I better work without a thought in my head to make it go faster.

I finally ended my shift and went to the hospital right away. Early in the morning the hospital called and asked my grandmother to come right away. Apparently, something in her analysis was not clear, they needed her to retake it. Their tone was pressed and I just hope it's nothing bad. Her health is declining those days and I was happy to know nothing was bad in her analysis but apparently my rest was short.

As I arrive I immediately go to my grandmother. They set her up in a room. Just for simple analysis? This definitely doesn't look good.

"- Are you okay grandma?" i ask, voice trembling.

I go and hug her tightly. I need her. I don't want anything bad happening to her. I just wouldn't be able to take it.

"- I am okay sweetheart. I promise." she says sweetly, caressing my head.

"- Don't make me a false promise. You know I couldn't take it." i answer, almost crying.

I can feel that something isn't right. I can feel my grandmother's anxiety through her body. I know she's trying to make me feel better. I know she's telling me to calm myself. But I can't. She's all I have left.

A doctor walks in the room and asks me to talk privately.

"- How is she doing?" i ask.

"- Well, I will be honest with you. Her arthritis is getting worse. There is a high chance she will not be able to walk anymore." he says unbothered, i almost started crying. "We want to keep her here on observation so we can figure out if we can operate on her and to make sure it doesn't spread to her other members." he continues.

"- Will she ever go home?" i ask.

"- Not constantly. It will be better for her if she stays here at the hospital for the time being. I gather some of her friends are also here, we will make sure she has contacts with them and that you can come see her everyday. But it will be better if she stays here."

"- You don't look very optimistic." i say.

"- I'm sorry miss." he answers, not sorry.

The doctor goes away after handing me the papers I need to sign for her admission. I won't do anything without asking my grandmother. My mom asked to get her out of the hospital in her last weeks. She knew she wouldn't make it and chose to stay by our side in the house. Without her asking me, I wouldn't have done anything. My grandma deserves this choice. The doctor was not very optimistic. She is probably going to have her last birthday this year. I am defeated. I want to stay optimistic, to say to myself she is gonna be okay and everything is gonna come back to normal, but I know it's not the case. Preparing myself for this eventuality actually helps me with dealing with it all. I go back to her room and sit next to her on her bed.

"- The doctor wants you to stay here until then." i say, crushed, putting my head on her shoulder.

"- It's okay sweetheart. I will stay here." she answers.

I let out a sob. Today should have been a good day. But it's not. My grandmother tries her best to move around to cup my face with her hands.

"- Ann. My beautiful Ann." she says, putting strands of my hair behind my ear. "You are a smart young woman. I know you understood this visit at the hospital will probably be my last. It's been a few months my health is not doing great and your mother knew it too. Your mother knew I would leave you not long after she did but I promise you sweetheart." her voice trembled. "I promise we will always be with you. Forever and ever. I know you will figure your life out. I know you will find someone who will love you as much as your mother and I do. It's gonna be hard, but I don't want to see my beautiful baby girl losing herself in false hope." she wipes a tear off my face. "I love you. I love you so much. Be happy." she says before finaling. "In the meantime, don't stay here all the time. Come see me everyday, but once you get out, live your life. I want to see you happy during my last moments." 

I'm crying so much. I can't accept the truth of this. I just can't.

"- Grandma... I don't want to lose you. I love you, stay with me." i sob.

She puts her forehead against mine and we cry together. Even if she cries like me, she keeps on her sweet smile, this smile that would always reassure me. That would always cheer me up and make me go on. It still does now. Even if it's hard. I will respect her wishes. I will try to live out of here. I will come see her and change her mind with my stories for as long as she stays here. I don't know what will happen to me after she's gone. But I will try it. Just for my mom and grandma.

"- My mind is good but my body fails me. I will always exist, I will always be with you. Like your mom is in this beautiful heart of yours." my grandmother reassures me.

"- Did you sign the papers miss?" the doctor comes into the room to say.

"- Don't you see my granddaughter and I are having a discussion? What do you think your mother would think of this young man?!" my grandma interrupts him. "She will give them to you, now leave her be." she adds.

Her response made me laugh. Her mind is still there and in good health. But her body isn't. Like my mom. Knowing that she will keep her character intact until her last breath makes me feel more at peace with all this.

"- Sorry ma'am." the doctor says embarrassed before walking out.

"- Don't let them piss you off. Silly little doctors who think they're better than you because they got a diploma." she rolls her eyes. "Know what you want and get it." she says.

I'm still crying. My head's a mess but I gather myself to sign those papers. Before I get out to hand the papers my grandma calls for me.

"- Darling, get home. Have yourself a peaceful afternoon. Get me my stuff tomorrow will ya? The nurses are very nice, they will take care of me." my grandmother asks me.

"- Are you sure?" i answer.

"- Yes my love. Come here so I can give you a kiss."

I walk toward my grandmother. She gives me a kiss on my forehead and hugs me tightly. Before she lets me out she whispers in my ear.

"- Would you get Stacy, Pamela and James to come here tomorrow sweetheart? I want to give them a word." she asks.

Stacy and Pamela I get but James? What does she want to tell him? It makes James even more important to me knowing that my grandmother thinks so highly of him. Even if I don't know how to ask James I will try. I don't know how he is gonna react.

"- Okay. I will. I can't promise anything for James. He is busy. I'll have to catch him before then."

"- I am sure you will, love." she smiles, hinting something.

She let go of me and I got out of the room holding tears in the corner of my eyes. Now, each time I will get out of this room I will not be able to know if this is the last time I see her. But I need to keep my head high and do what she asked me. Before heading out, I give back the papers to the doctor. I know James is coming back soon, I told him I would see him today but I don't know if I actually will. Deep within myself, I hope I will. I want him to tell me everything's okay. I want to open this pain of mine to him.

When I get home I lay down on the couch. I don't want to cry so I look at the ceiling with empty eyes while smoking a cigarette. This house is empty without her. I think about my future. My grandmother has lived a full life. She went for her passion, she travelled all around the world and met my grandpa, she had a kid, which she always wanted to have but she never put her work and passion aside. Do I want to travel? How to live off of your passion? Do I want kids? I don't know. My mom would tell me to stop thinking so much, she would say that I will see what will happen when it will happen. She is right. But I'm sure of only one thing right now: I will keep on living to make these two women who made me who I am proud. I just hate the fact that I am so alone in this. Putting my hand on my collar bone to touch the necklace I open my messages, hoping to see one of James, but nothing. He has seen my message. It's written he saw it. I think I'm gonna break down.

I hear a knock on the door and go up slowly to open it.

"- Coming!" i open the door.

"- Hey Anna." James expresses calmly.

"- Ja... James." i say, surprised.

"- Are you okay?" he asks me right away.

I didn't even answer him. I just threw myself into his arms. I hold him tightly by the chest. Maybe it's too much and he will reject me but I didn't think about it, I just needed to do it. James doesn't move, he doesn't do anything. I shouldn't have done that. I try to go back and stop hugging him but James holds me back immediately into his arms. One of his hands is holding tightly by the waist and the other is in the back of my head. My head rests against his chest and I can hear his heart ringing. It goes fast but peacefully. I'm pretty sure his music is not as beautiful as this sound. I can feel him trying to move around. He doesn't let me go but he makes me understand to take a step back so he can close the door behind him. That's better. It's more intimate and makes me feel more at ease. He doesn't say anything and just holds me without forcing me to talk.

"- My grandma. She has to stay in the hospital. She probably doesn't have long anymore." i say, very softly.

"- Oh Anna." James sight. "Everything's gonna be okay." he holds me tighter.

James lets me out of his arms just to hold me lightly. Looking at me, he studies me, trying to get how I react.

"- You are the most courageous woman I know. And I'm sure your grandmother is the first to think it. I know you will be okay. I know she will be okay. Wherever she goes. It's gonna be hard. I know. But your mind is strong and you will keep her in your heart, always."

"- Thank you James." i say, sweetly.

"- Hey." he says, putting his hand on my cheek. "I know that saying those words won't heal you or make anything better but I'm saying them to you to tell you I'm here." he smiles. "I'm here for you. If you want it and whenever you need it."

I look up to him and my eyes dive into his. How happy I am to have him around. Somehow, it makes my grief more peaceful. Because I shared it with him. Because he is here for me. I had very few people around me when my mom died. Apart from my grandmother, Stacy and Pamela. They all helped me with their presence. Having them around made me more tranquil but having James around I feel protected. I didn't know I needed to feel protected until today, but I do. I want to feel like I have a shield that's not made with my survival instinct. A shield that's made of comfort and hope and mostly a strong shield that you wouldn't dare to try and break. James is that. He is comforting, he gives me hope and he's strong enough to kick anybody's ass. I'm pretty sure, at the very least, his mind is strong, and so is he. And as long as he allows me around him, I will see him as such. James isn't only that for me, well, not the only thing I want him to be but that's still too complicated to say. I love the way he is here for me. I don't know if I'm courageous but I will try.

"- Let me get you something to drink, Anna." he says, looking for the kitchen.

I draw a mellow smile, letting out a small laugh.

"- Here James." i show, walking toward it.

As we walk into the kitchen I go and get two glasses out of the cupboard. When I try to reach for the bottle in the fridge James stops me.

"- Let me do it. Sit down and ease your mind." he presses.

I nod and sit down at the table. How sweet.

"- My grandmother... she wants to see you tomorrow." i remember.

"- I'll be there." he answers immediately. "She will kick my ass if I don't come so I'll be there." he then jokes.

I love the way he jokes around to make me cheer up. And it works like a charm because it does make me laugh. She will kick his ass tho. Tomorrow night, James is supposed to play live and I know it. Now, I don't know too much about the organisation of a metal concert but I'm pretty sure his day will be quite busy. Yet he accepted right away without any condition. While I'm getting lost in my thoughts James pours me a drink and gives me the glass.

"- Thank you." i smile.

James leans himself against the kitchen counter in front of me and locks his gaze on me. The kitchen is not very big, having him here, like this, makes it feel even more tiny. Not in an anxious way at all, in a tensful way. It's like the walls are shrinking because the room wants us close. I'd love to nestle myself into his arms and stay here for hours. Feeling his heartbeat, reminding me that I have to keep on and make mine beat as peacefully as his. But I can't. I won't dare trying. The quick hug I had from him minutes ago was so intense I can barely hold on. He made me feel better just with his arms, he made me forget for a brief amount of time about this day. Made me forget about her leaving me. James observes me, probably wondering what I am blabbering about in my head.

"- I saw the interview." i interrupt my own head saying.

"- Did you?" he smiles.

"- The one you did yesterday in San Francisco. It was on this morning at the pharmacy."

"- And what did you think about it?" he answers, keeping on his smile.

"- Well, I still don't get who's Lars and who's Robert but I recognised Kirk. See, I'm becoming a fan. I'm getting there." i silently laugh.

"- You'd be the best fan we've ever had." he smirks. "But I'm already jealous of Kirk so retard the moment you get to know the two others." he jests.

His dumb joke let out of me an honest laugh. I'm also a hundred percent sure I'm burning red. I know he isn't actually jealous, and that would be weird if he was, trust me, but hinting a certain attachment to me by making these kinds of jokes makes me feel so confused.

"- I loved the way you talked. I love the way you don't change from the James I know. Even if I don't know you much yet. You are so sure of yourself and you show it by using a serene tone, never by bragging or thinking you are better than the ones around you. I love that about you." i say, calmly, James keeping his gaze locked on me. "I don't know much about your music but you sounded so passionate. I'm also glad you said things we're doing okay for you. Truly." i conclude.

I think again about "the unexpected turn" he talked about earlier. I'd loved to know what he was precisely talking about. My heart tells me I am, but my reason tells me that I'm giving myself delusions. But yet, there's the necklace, the photo I have of him, all of this that I can't forget about.

James puts his glass aside next to him and straightens up from the counter. I see him slowly walk towards me. This must be about four steps but it feels like twenty. Sitting on my chair, he approaches me and puts two of his fingers under my chin.

His hand.

He lifts my head up so I can look at him. James is already so tall, looking at him from this perspective makes me feel so weak. I don't have a size kink. I swear. And I'm not even "petite"! He is just so much. So much of him. So much that I want. My hand immediately goes to his necklace around my neck. Our eyes connecting on each other's gaze.

"- You know that you are my "unexpected turn"? Right?" James states.

I take a heavy breath. I think my heart skipped a beat. James looks entranced by me. His eyes glimmer a different light. Something changed in the air. Something that feels like the whiff of his breath in my neck I felt the other day. My heart was right. He was talking about me. He sees me in his future. When he said he would be here for me he knew he wanted my heart. His determination is obvious. I can see it in his eyes. But I can see he is scared. I can see he doesn't know how I will react. I get to see a side of him that I would have never guessed about the first time I saw him. He is so beautiful.

So fucking beautiful.

Suddenly my head moves up slightly, desperately trying to reach him. James's head does move toward mine too and I feel his hand slide slowly in the back of my head, in between my hair, helping me to stand up, pulling me toward him. In between paths, him and I trying to reach each other our lips connect. He kisses my lips passionately, holding onto me like he is afraid I'd disappear. But I'm not going anywhere, I have never felt something like this. Lust, romance, whatever. Time stopped at the moment we connected. My hand goes in the back of his neck, trying to reassure him. Telling him, "I'm not going anywhere." His body straightens up and moves me so I can stand up. At this moment, our lips disconnect so we can take a breath, but those seconds must have felt like hours because we kissed again as soon as we took one breath like we are starving without each other. James pushes me against the counter behind me and I push his head even closer to me with my hand in the back of his head as a way of telling him to deepen the kiss. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I let his tongue dance with mine. Grabbing my waist he pushes me back even further and I hear him grunt before he sits me down on the counter. One of his hands stays on my waist and the other goes in the back of my neck.

This is the best thing I've ever felt. I wish time would stop and we could stay like this forever.

"- Last night." James says, in between kisses and out of breath. "I thought I was going crazy when I saw your picture." he kisses me deeply. "I understood. I knew I had to come to you. All the reasons I am so entranced by you I could see in this picture. I had to see you." he kisses me again. "I had to tell you. I wouldn't even have dared to think about kissing you but here I am."

"- James..." i whisper.

"- Here I was with my silly picture, thinking I would make you smile, thinking I could make your eyes bliss, before you sent me this and made all my effort go to waste." he pauses and smiles. "You are so talented and so goddamn beautiful." he adds, our eyes locked on each other's.

My mouth opens slightly to express how bewildered I am. "You are so talented and so goddamn beautiful." Nobody has ever told me that. Never. Even more with such passion and honesty. I am speechless. I want him. Everything. I don't even wait before throwing myself in his arms again, kissing and hugging him, giving him the opportunity of giving me a bear hug, that he takes instantly. Such a sudden act. An act that I wanted to do for longer than you can think. Just feeling his lips on mine is better than anything I have done thinking about him.

"- James... I... You..." i try to gather my words.

"- Shhh... It's all about you right now." James answer.

I don't know how to tell him everything. Everything he makes me feel. Everything I want him to do to me and everything I want him to be. He understands me so well and his answers make me even weaker than I already am. I smile and he kisses me again, my hands starting to play with the end of his shirt. I need him so much. I can hear him grunt as he slowly slides his tattooed hand under mine, grabbing my waist roughly, playing with my skin.

"- The neck-" i say, interrupted by the phone in my house that starts to ring. fuck it. "Fuck it..." i whisper.

James stopped kissing me as the phone started to chime but I take his head back to crash him back onto my lips. His hand is still playing with this little parcel of my skin, initiating an indescribable fire into me. He's my fuel, my fire, my desire.

The phone stops to ring but bips, letting the person on the other side of the line leave a message.

"- Hey Ann... It's Stacy... I know you've had a shitty day but I really need you there." i can hear her hesitate. "Well... something happened. I tried your phone but as always, you leave it on silent. If you hear this, just know I left my door unlocked, see you soon!" Stacy concludes.

Her tone is sad and struggling and I feel guilty not hearing my phone ringing. If she had to call on the house phone then she was really desperate. I can feel James's hand let go of my waist to put a messy strand of my hair behind my ear.

"- Go." James says. "She needs you."

"- Are you sure?" i ask.

"- What do you think? Your friend needs you. I don't even have a say in this." he smiles, kissing my lips quickly.

James is such a sweetheart. I don't want this moment to end. But my best friend needs me and I will be here for her. Smiling, I can see him trying to gather his words.

"- Listen Anna. I want to do things right. I want you, but I don't want you to think I just want to play with you." he suspends, studying my expressions. "Let me take you on a date. One date."

"- Yes James. Show me everything about you. Take me anywhere." i answer, my arms wrapped around his neck.

"- Then come to my gig tomorrow night, I want you to see me play. Then the rest of the evening is for you, all for you." he pauses. "I will never accept you not having what you deserve." he concludes, one arm around my waist, one hand playing with my hair. "You deserve a date, you deserve something that's done right."

I nod. Delighted by this news. My whole life is changing and at least I'm glad James is a part of my new world. I want to see him play, I want to have a nice evening with him. I want to know him more deeply. I love the way he talks to me, I can't believe he thinks so highly of me, I can't believe anybody would ever treat me as good as he does in my life. Just for that, I don't wanna let it go. I was afraid my age would be a problem for him, I was afraid it would just be me. But he takes it seriously. And if I didn't have enough proof I can just look at the fire in his eyes, I can just feel his heartbeat. His body and mind work together to show me how honest he is. My eyes glimmering, happy the universe sent him to me in this weird period of my life. "Thank you mom" I say to myself chuckling.

"- Let me drive you at Stacy's." James interrupts, still playing with my hair.

I nod, I don't feel like driving right now. As I'll probably stay over at Stacy's tonight and go to the hospital with her tomorrow, using my car is useless anyway. Having more time with James isn't. Going down the counter I follow James to his car.

The ride is peaceful because I spend it looking at his expressions while he drives and I give him the instructions as to where Stacy lives. When he notices it he lets out a laugh and gives me quick looks trying to stay focused on the road. As we arrive, I thank him and get out of the car. Before I could go, he gets out of the car and asks me to come here. As I get to him, I feel a breeze and hold my arms together. I left home without taking anything other than my bag and I forgot my jacket, even if the weather is hot, the breeze in the evening is still cold. I'll take one of Stacy's for tomorrow, it's okay.

"- Here, take that." James says, putting his leather jacket on my shoulders.

"- I can take one of Stacy's, it's okay James." i smile.

"- I don't care." he teasingly smiles. "You look so good when you wear my things." he adds, looking at the necklace.

"- Okay." i answer, burning red. 

His smell is impregnated on his jacket. I wish I could tease him back by giving him something with my smell on. Giving him my panties maybe is too much now but I would if I could easily take them out. I laugh at my dirty thoughts and I kiss his cheek as a thank you. Before I go James takes my wrist in his hand. This hand of course.

"- Send me a text before you go to sleep, just so I know you are okay and safe because if you don't, I'll come rescue you."

"- Don't tempt me, Mr. Hetfield." i conclude, walking towards Stacy's place.

I can't believe how well he treats me. I can't believe he made me actually feel good on a shitty day like this. I can't believe I will get to have that again tomorrow. I can't believe James is real.

࿓ 𓋪・𖧹 𖤐

A/N : i’m sorry it took me so long to write it, i got sick and all. hope you enjoy it because i loves writing it <33 just imagine living that with james aargh

[loosealcina]

PIETRO MASCAGNI'S CAVALLERIA RUSTICANA AND RUGGERO LEONCAVALLO'S PAGLIACCI AT LA SCALA, MAY 5, 2024

I’m still in doubt whether I’ve seen Academy Award® winner Wes Anderson or a guy who looks a lot like him playing as an extra in Cavalleria rusticana. Either way—I mean: Academy Award® winner Wes Anderson or not—I think he did a pretty solid job as one of the grim bystanders in the tavern scene, so I wanted to share this as a fun fact right away. (If my eyes are playing tricks on me, I offer my apologies to everybody involved, and to everybody else as well for spreading wild misinformation). Mario Martone’s production of the quintessential operatic double feature—created at La Scala in 2011, with Sergio Tramonti, Ursula Patzak, and Pasquale Mari as set/costume/light designer respectively—may lack the special/groundbreaking/unpredictable something that will take everyone’s breath away, punch a hole in your soul, clear passages to the unknown, etc. Still, I’d describe it as a clean, elegant, absolutely proficient display of musical theater. Quite interestingly, each title was given a largely different set of vibes. Cavalleria rusticana—we’re in the middle of a dark, colorless, all but completely abstract empty space. We’re pulled way back into the past, and the tale we are told feels a lot like a myth, or a Greek tragedy. Pagliacci, on the other hand, unfolds in a much more familiar neighborhood. It’s right on the outskirts of… some unspecified place. (I couldn’t tell if it’s a big city or a smaller one). There’s agitation, people, props, noises, vehicles. It’s more of a true crime TV show.

Besides, the two storylines are strikingly similar on the outside—nearly the same. (Ill-matched couples. Betrayal. Murderous revenge). Only, this specific Cavalleria rusticana makes you be like, this could have been written by Aeschylus himself. This specific Pagliacci does not. I’d say the entire cast was extremely impressive. They all sang beautifully, and that wasn’t even the best part. If you consider the two worlds I’ve tried to outline (the austere, philosophical vacuum of Cavalleria rusticana, and the messy suburbs of Pagliacci), each of them was inhabited by a number of vivid, complex, positively concrete human beings. The young (plus clandestine) lovers of Cavalleria rusticana—Brian Jagde (Turiddu) and Francesca Di Sauro (Lola)—were passionate but also capriciously bratty, intermittently cold, and somewhat empty. In a word: superb. As for Pagliacci, Irina Lungu (Nedda) and Fabio Sartori (Canio) were almost uncomfortably good. Their life-size portrayal of outcast romance, human imperfection, delusion, and all-out pain was vibrant enough it got difficult to deal with at times. The orchestra conducted by Giampaolo Bisanti sure knew how to produce wonderful, glossy waves of sound when they wanted to (I’d especially cite the violins here); yet they were mostly stuck between forte and mezzo forte, and their phrasing came across as a little rigid (or make it lifeless) to me. Should anyone care for a nice closing, I’ll copy the final lines of the arcane-sounding nocturnal serenade (a Siciliana) sung by Turiddu from afar in the middle of the Prelude (the curtain still down): «E s’iddu muoru e vaju mparadisu/si nun nce truovu a ttia, manco ce trasu».

[lolamarlowe65]

it’s a need james pls

I'm not sure if you've seen these, but I wanted to share them with you 💙🥵

i love these gifs 😵‍💫 he’s so handsome ugh i want him