#lol no most norms and patterns of interaction are straightforward and effective and nonharmful

[sinesalvatorem]

There was a pattern that used to happen in school, and sometimes with me and my brother vs my parents, but now everyone's grown up so the only place it's still happening is when I visit the rationalists.

The thing where some people (usually two of us) have a fun interaction, someone who is barely paying attention shows up and is like "HOW DARE YOU BE HAVING FUN DON'T YOU REALISE YOU'RE HURTING THEM???"

The main reason this doesn't happen any more in the adult world is that when a bystander does this the parties involved just say "We know each other" and continue on, and under liberalism you just have to /let/ them keep having fun, the absolute bastards, fuck yeah america

The problem with rats is that when the bystander shows up with their Confrontation, your interlocutor will just completely drop the fuck out and put on their blankest expression and not know shit when the cops do the sudden breaking context shift of "you are now A Victim(tm)(r)(c)(literal poison) of the Heinous Crimes that you were laughing about but must now be Wide Eyed And Horrified".

At least Jade had the decency to give a raw to hell "R U Fucking Kidding M8?" face when it was pulled on us. And I appreciated Ozy's Sandmanning. Generally folks will let me fucking hang from the rope of mistrust and then be Shocked (Shocked!, I tell you) when I don't want to play anymore with their Can't Take A Stand weaksoft tofu personalities.

But like yeah I'm not going back to REACH for a bunch of reasons (I don't like (centurion understatement) how antisocial the space is these days, and I broke down crying yesterday after being asked to stop washing dishes because only wash the dish personally used and not the sink queue (literal unambiguous evil), and p much all the things in that vein.

But also I got a 2 week REACH ban for touching two people. Officially, touching them "without consent". Am genuinely sorry in one case because I did not mean to bump into him (after he said he didn't want to be touched and later we collided). He was also uncomfortable when I sat too close bc his book was cool, but then I backed up ten feet and asked to return to book-look distance and he said yes.

In the case of the second person (an example of the main thesis), I'm genuinely not sorry because I know who I was speaking to, and the context in which he said he didn't want to be touched (when I jokingly Super Hugged them during a boardgame) and when they were laughing with me (eg when we bumped hands in board game and I was like OH NOES THE HORROR and they were lmao). If they actually do have a problem with this, then I'm sorry. But in the overwhelmingly likely case that they clearly telegraphed with all of their actions, they were happy.

But anyway, in the tradition of all human decision makers everywhere, I'm going to use the temp ban as an excuse to do what I should have already - stopped volunteering at REACH. It's just been pouring heart and soul into a gaping hole kept intentionally vacuous. It's pointless and psychologically destructive to do so as long as the current equilibrium persists - where everyone has YIMBY preferences but lets NIMBYhood rein because the only free action is shooting down your -friends- SPACE COMPETITORS' actions.

Absolutely fuck that noise. It's noise; it's tilt; it makes me worse at engaging with the real world when I return to it from REACH. I have three communities in which i have been deeply involved in the development of community warmth and satisfaction. Most emphatically and excellently in my church, cuz started with the advantage of being a church (Catholic, cuz standards m8), but also the construction co-op and the San Francisco Symphony. The temp ban email said to write back when my life is stable, but it is (emoji between duh & lol) and has been for quite a while, and my stability was obvious the whole time I was there. (don't want to say "in contrast to", but like, literal homeless shelter with deep aversion to permanence or growth that literally stacks the plastic cups above the ceramic, so like (no shit).)

REACH is very forcefully aiming toward the cold and death of empty space and I genuinely don't want to see it happen because the death of those I love is painful, but I have fucking had it and officially Give Up on trying to help. I don't want to say fuck off and die on your own, but *sigh* yeah, fuck off, you will indeed die, and it will be on your own. Saying this openly is antisocial and I accept that. It's about a third as antisocial as the things I heard walking between the bathroom and the kitchen, and my name is 'sticks my neck out', so here are (a sliver of) the things that need to be said.

TL;DR - When I walked out the door last night I was thanked for all my help. The next morning I got an email saying I was banned. Everything at REACH is like this and The Thing This Is is the underlying quintessential cause of it being such a cold and uncommunal space in general.