#lol I clicked the wrong tag and now I'ma keep it because that's true too

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

Okay people real talk. You know it's serious when someone who never watches videos actually sits down for thirty minutes to do just that.

I'm not a big typology person because basically I already love psychology and astrology and all the things that like to create labels and explanations for personalities and picking from each what I find valid. That's how I do know my typology (INFP), but I never looked more into it. I'm a Mediator. Okay cool.

Then my bestest buddy @cicidarkarts shared a couple funny videos about her typology (I laughed beyond tears it was so fitting) and I enjoyed this dude's presence and figured I'd find mine. I choked in my laughter.

I stopped laughing when I rabbit-holed into this video right here.

This is all of me, give or take some autism traits and a couple issues already worked on. But this is me - the super friendly little introverted butterfly who self-paralyzes while considering EVERYONE before herself when deciding what to say or what to do. Chronic fatigue is one reason I disappear from socials at times. Other times it's just that I choose to live in my own little bubble, sometimes at the detriment even of friends when I lose track of the world for days on end (granted there's some AuDHD here at work)

And I genuinely feel like I will not amount to anything in my own life and this part of his funny INFP video actually no longer funny now that i've watched the above.

You know what else isn't funny? Yeah i'm connecting to the INFJ type entirely and did not realize until NOW that I'm actually INFP. Or so the test said. Let's take a second here to throw rigidity out of the window, and for me to throw out "oh gods I got it wrong I should probably delete this post now" reasoning and put my foot down and state: yes, I mixed them up, but I connect to the J in all these meaningful ways so fuck 'the test' and I'ma now follow what feels like personal truth instead.

You really can't begin to imagine how much energy I spend/waste considering others' feelings and emotions before posting, or reblogging, or doing anything that might lead to problem situations. Just earlier I checked my notifications and I'd been in this convo with someone about writing, really not vibing with their state of mind but still tried to be supportive, saw today I'd gotten a response starting with "with all due respect" and I just nope noped myself outta checking the response out. But part of me feels bad for likely having been upsetting. It's my default mode of operation. I'd feel it my duty to go check out the response just because it's the 'polite' thing to do since the other person took time to respond and just. No. Please no me STOP enough. You don't want to, you don't want to; fair, done, move on.

I have been losing my mind (positively) in an AU in April and genuinely it feels god, but watchign that whole video is making me second-guess myself now. Am I just doing that apparently typical unhealthy disconnect thing? Just. Me. STOP. All that energy going into all these worries and I cannot keep myself from doing so and gods do I want to though. I'm so tired. Beyond just bad sleep. So, so fucking tired. Of me, essentially. I'm 44 and it's true: I have no idea who I am. I have thoughts on who I manage to be, what my core values are, but me specifically? Not a fucking clue. I exist. Isn't that enough? Every character of mine is a piece of me. Does that work?

Speaking of which but my decade-old friendly psycho who came back full force into my head feels like the best influence right now because he doesn't stop to care about any of the things that are my default personality. He has mean comments for everyone (including me), hit on my bestest buddy a few times (through me!) and he's the little voice in my head that just takes over and speaks up and overrides my safeties into typing up his responses. And there's something genuinely freeing about not second-guessing myself, just doing (also cuz he's mean but he is so in a way that is somehow charming. Tall lanky pale white-haired 2000-yo teasing vamp would have all the ladies in the ship comms)

I've been working a lot on me these past months (and years) but y'know what? Kinda getting tired of working on me. Kinda just want to exist as me, make it fun, not work, because I may be a work in progress always but then if I'll always be a wip, why bother trying to complete me? (that whole perfectionist part in the vid? Hit. Hard.)

Anyway I had this moment and decided I'ma SHARE the moment with y'all (who don't care lol that's fine, just doing what I needed to for me) and now Ima watch the INFJ self-motivation video (another 30 minutes) and take of it what helps because I swear I do have books in my head and I'd rather start spending energy thinking of how to share my world instead of dreading I'll never manage to. Such. Waste. of energy. When you realize that sharing is as simple as, y'know: SHARING. (okay but I also want to complete a genuine book)

You'd think I'd be tired writing this up but actually gave me energy. Funny how that works.

(edit: this part right here? I think I fluctuate between INFJ and INFP depending on how well I function on a given day because thank you autism. And this is the thing with strict labels: individuals are unique and spectrums unto themselves. Take what feels right, not what people might tell you is right because hard rules etc whatever. Psychology, especially is NOT an exact science. Generalizations are only that. They're not perfect truth)