#local blogger who 100% relates to aziraphale has opinions

[elven-child]

Okay, more thoughts on why Aziraphale isn’t colder or less committed to the relationship than Crowley, because portraying Crowley as some sort of an injured party bothers me.

The thing is, I know where the tendency comes from - it’s easy to focus on Crowley's way of showing affection (aka acts of service) more since it’s more visible at first sight, more obvious to an outsider. But some people tend to follow this fact with the conclusion that it’s therefore stronger than Aziraphale’s way of showing affection for some reason. And. I can’t help but think that it’s pretty unfair to Aziraphale’s struggles. Because he not only has different ways of showing affection than Crowley to begin with, but also is much more repressed and conflicted about their relationship than Crowley is. (And Crowley knows it! That's the point, Crowley remembers Heaven, he was there once. He understands, and he also acquired his own set of issues in Hell.)

Aziraphale's way of showing affection is less visible for people on the outside and much more intimate. It’s easy to underestimate how hard it is to leave your comfort zone for someone, which is what he does all the time, because it’s less showy. But it’s not right. And if someone wants to feel sorry for Crowley for having to be the one who reaches out then it only seems to be fair to also feel sorry for Aziraphale for being so torn between Crowley and Heaven. But that’s the best part - for both of them commitment to the relationship comes with a price, but they still choose to do it anyway. Over the years they really learned each other, even if Aziraphale won't admit to it and instead will say "I am an angel, you are a demon". He's not stupid. They both understand each other's language and know what certain things mean.

Someone on here (I’ll be damned if I remember where I read it, sorry) described their dynamic as Aziraphale inviting Crowley to invite him and it’s so accurate. That’s exactly what he does, not because he’s too lazy/reluctant/whatever to commit, but because he's too conflicted with himself to make a direct move. But instead he lets Crowley know that if Crowley asks, he will say yes and it's So Important. Because Aziraphale seems passive when in reality he makes a huge effort to dance around all his dilemmas. And the fact that Crowley doesn't have those dilemmas doesn't make them any more valid.

And let’s be honest. "It would destroy you"? The way he looks at Crowley in that car in 1967 and you can literally see how hard it was for him to bring Crowley something that could destroy him because he can't imagine his life without Crowley in it? Those are really huge gestures but they're quieter because the bigger parts of those gestures happened inside Aziraphale, if that phrasing makes sense. It's all less obvious because it's internal (and, I cannot stress this enough, Crowley knows it. His situation is not as tragic as some people paint it to be. He sees it all and chooses Aziraphale over and over, which in my opinion makes it all much more mature and #married). Aziraphale's signs of affection are less about what others can see and more about what happens in his mind and heart, and how willing he is to step out of his comfort zone, and how willing he is to submit himself to even more internal conflict just to spend time with Crowley. And if you ask me, that's a whole fucking lot of love right there.