#lmao feel bad that this is so quiet compared to my main IF blog

[sweetsilver-if]

Also I'll give a more proper writing update in November, but I have been chipping away at Chapter 1! For now have this preview about a pretty important variation MC can have depending on the ending they got in the Prologue!

[dinosaurtsukki]

BSD x university au hc’s | pt. 2

part 2 of the university au hc’s !! i am obviously a slut for chuuya and fyodor so don’t mind me. i hope you guys like this !!

check out pt. 1 here

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Akutagawa Ryuunosuke:

i love akutagawa ryuunosuke my angst child but i’m just like ‘hmmmmmmm’ when it comes to what his course would probably be

after extensive research aka reading his character page on wiki i feel like maybe he’d be a history major because,,,, he likes antiques?

well his clothes do seem very dark academia-esque and i can see him liking something as cool as history

akutagawa’s probably into something like war history but he’s not weird about it he just finds it really cool how different strategies work or analyzing what exactly makes the winners win

he absolutely HATES the fact that he keeps having to read the Iliad for class

he’s also that classmate who INTENSIVELY DEFENDS achilles for being a bit of a little bitch (but he fully agrees that patroclus and achilles were gay af ok this was random moving on)

akutagawa has practically no social life. he doesn’t go to parties, he doesn’t talk to his roommate, he doesn’t even like to eat in the dining hall

BUT he absolutely loves being in debate team because WINNING

he’s such a nightmare to work with though but he just delivers so well when it’s time for him to speak. like, if he’s on a negative and it’s time to hash out rebuttals, just prepare to get MURDERED

other debaters: “esteemed scholars and adjudicators...”

akutagawa: “you, sir, have no idea how wrong you are.”

that is until dazai decided to randomly show up at a debate tournament all ‘la di da da’ like and completely crushed akutagawa along with his ego

from then on he started stalking dazai and just SOMEHOW managed to end up in his circle of friends

even though he’s antisocial in real life, akutagawa 100% runs a dark academia aesthetic blog on tumblr i’m right and i don’t accept criticism

it’s actually really good he has a ton of followers and even does requests for moodboards if someone asks nicely

atsushi was the one who actually found out about it but he’s nice so he didn’t tell akutagawa about it

kunikida probably follows that blog

Chuuya Nakahara:

if this part sounds like i’m just thirsting for chuuya then you’re absolutely right i love wine man

don’t get mad at me but i can ABSOLUTELY SEE HIM MAJORING IN FASHION DESIGN I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

he’s just always had such a good eye for fashion and he’s veryyy meticulous when it comes to snipping and putting together clothes

chuuya also carries a sketchbook full of designs and his drawings look amazing and he isn’t afraid to just show them off

that said he doesn’t dress like a tired uni student at all, like he just always looks so on-point and unbothered by his five million deadlines

dazai: chuuya, i said this was a CASUAL LUNCH

chuuya, dressed in what looks like silk pajamas: THIS IS CASUAL

tbh if he just wore a white t-shirt and jeans i would die maybe he’s actually saving us from this ordeal

he has so much talent though as a designer he’s probably had several internships with design companies all throughout his years at uni

i feel like chuuya’s also really active in extracurriculars and has been in leadership positions in some of them (he probably runs the student org for fashion design)

chuuya in a student band though oh my gosh i can’t breathe i can’t breathe him as a VOCALIST?? and wearing torn jeans and eyeliner and that same hat in concerts ican’t brEATHE

okay in all honesty he would thrive being in a band chuuya loves the attention and the creativity of being able to design their whole look and write songs

tbh i don’t know if he’d have a roommate chuuya’s probably the type who’d rather have one of those single rooms or just rent a flat for him to stay in even after graduation

because his social life is super vibrant, he does have a lot of friends and he does make an effort to get to know all of them individually 

but he’s more open around those who he’s been friends with for a really long time and as much as he’d like to say dazai isn’t one of them, he is

also chuuya is definitely the type to party hard during the weekends and has more than once crashed in someone’s house after drinking too much (dazai drew on his face on more than one occasion)

Oda Sakunosuke:

i love this man SO MUCH you guys have no idea i would literally die for him

100% this guy majors in creative writing because this is supported by FACTS and not just me wanting to be coursemates with him in this fictional world

super serious and diligent with his work especially since he’s passionate about writing. he loves to read in his spare time and is such a fan of classic novels about social realism or philosophy

oda spends 99% of his time in second-hand bookshops that the owner probably knows him by name at this point

he’s super old school when it comes to writing though, like he still keeps and writes in a notebook before typing it up on a laptop and no matter how many times dazai tells him its impractical, oda just keeps doing it

lmao whenever workshops come around he’s super nice with his critique. i bet a lot of his fellow classmates like sending their writing drafts to him

he draws smiley faces and always adds ‘nice work’ on people’s drafts omg i love odasaku

he’s such an old soul, he probably doesn’t do a whole lot of partying but he likes more quiet, private social events like drinking with close friends or just hanging out and talking at other people’s houses

he and dazai probably met when dazai decided to take an intro to creative writing class and wrote a long poem about double suicide on his first day that kind of put off everyone in the class from wanting to sit with him

odasaku was the only one who wasn’t exactly bothered but he did give dazai some comments to help him with his poetry and dazai instantly wanted to be his friend

in terms of extracurricular life, i can definitely see odasaku joining a writing organization and even the campus newspaper. he does find joy in interviewing students for newspaper articles

he’s also pretty into photography and uses a really old, second-hand camera that he bought at an antique store and fixed himself. at one point he won a prize in a contest

odasaku would be the best roommate. he’s super sensitive to when you have a bad day and will invite you to sit on his bed and hug his pillow and talk about your problems

scratch that, everyone talks to odasaku about their problems and now your room is like a therapist’s office

Edgar Allan Poe:

i swear this was the only gif i could find other than actual edgar allan poe

ANOTHER CREATIVE WRITING BUDDY AHHH I WOULD LOVE TO BE BESTIES WITH HIM AHHH

well actually i feel like since he’s super ambitious and already has a fixed idea on the stuff he likes to write, he’d probably double major in something like forensic science because he’d use it to write his mystery novels

omg that’s where he meets ranpo and now pretty much every main character poe writes is slightly based on on ranpo

it’s a problem. his professor brings it up more than once during his classes but it’s poe’s Thing now

he also has such an unending passion for gothic literature and he wears those white, long-sleeved blouses and waistcoats on a REGULAR BASIS

chuuya probably saw him once and was like ‘hmm, i could pull that off’

poe’s daily route is just going to the library and to class and then go home and that’s about it

he ended up working as a student assistant at the library because he’s just super familiar with the book collections and it’s a job that’s peaceful and quiet 

more than once though, he’d just be really in-deep with his writing to the point that he doesn’t even notice that the library has closed or that he hasn’t eaten the entire day

that’s alright though because ranpo always passes by the library at night to check on his friend and (reluctantly) give him some snacks

also since poe’s pretty much a recluse, he doesn’t go to any social event UNLESS it’s a halloween-themed one

he loves going all out with his costumes because he’s a Drama Queen like that but the problem is he keeps dressing up as gothic novel characters and nobody gets it

dazai, trying to guess his costume: umm,, Two-Face from Batman?

poe: IT’S DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE

there was this one time when poe took it upon himself to host the halloween party and it was EPIC

he basically designed it as a murder mystery night wherein everyone who came pretended to be guests at a house and then a murder happened

the only problem was that ranpo was conspiring with poe and it was pretty much unfair

except for the fact that ranpo was frustrated at how bad everyone was at deducing that he ended up solving the mystery for them

Fyodor Dostoevsky:

one of my favorite scenes of him in s3 was of fyodor playing the cello because god damn that is beautiful and therefore i am hc-ing him as a music major and you can’t tell me otherwise

fyodor is an absolute music genius and he was definitely scouted by the university’s music program and then he was granted a scholarship (because in this ideal university, the arts are valued)

he purposely decided to go to a university rather than a music conservatory because he’s also interested in learning a bunch of other things

aside from his music classes, he ventures into comparative literature and philosophy, even a bit of computer science at some point

people always assume that since he’s a music major he probably wouldn’t do well in other subjects but SURPRISE BITCH

anyway, fyodor’s a genius because god clearly has favorites

aside from attending class, he’s even part of an official orchestra and has even landed a few solos 

that said, he’s quite busy and very preoccupied in his own work to actually have a social life either

you’ll often find him rehearsing by himself in an empty classroom for hours and hours on end (someone pls bring him food he’s also the type to forget to eat or even drink water)

if you are able to catch him perform at an orchestra or just practice by himself, it’s quite a mesmerizing sight. his eyes are often closed so he could focus on the sound alone and his fingers move so elegantly along the neck of the cello

(sorry i just love people who play any form of stringed instrument)

fyodor also takes such good care of his cello. also he would probably kill you on the spot if you touched his bow

he has a fairly small group of friends and they like playing chess together (even though fyodor is better than all of them) and just talk about um,, idk philosophy and stuff (whatever it is smart people do idk i’m not one of them)

i have a feeling he actually follows akutagawa’s dark academia blog and loves his content, even to the point of requesting ‘cello player moodboards’

also because he’s a cello player he needs to take care of his fingers so he wears gloves a lot (idk why i find this hot)

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taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @tpwkatsumu @laure-chan

[dandanieeri]

Secret That Is Not Secret Anymore

(6) Hidden

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. This is me trying to reason out why I am like this.

And maybe hindi lang ako ito na nakakaranas ng kawalan ng confidence sa sarili. I know madaming tao na walang confidence but yeah, this is all about me.

First of all. Sobrang conscious akong tao.

I'm REALLY afraid kung anong sasabihin sa akin ng ibang tao. Kaya out of sa lahat ng kaklase ko nung HS, 2 lang may alam ng tunay kong personality (yung mga imperfections, kapangitan ng ugali ko and my mistakes)

Tbh ang tawag sa'kin nung HS ako Mama+myname dahil ng Mama - motherly figure ako and Mama Mary po yan dahil kamukha ko raw si Mama Mary /nauso yung movie ni Tony G. at Piolo. My friends among my classmates in HS actually called me that and that I am truly kind kasi lowkey lang ako. (Di po kasi ako nakikipagkompetensya sa academics sa section namin at walang nakaaway buong HS life ko. Kaya tingin nila mabait ako.) Pero like nakaenclose na sakin yon, buong HS life ko, dito lang ako sa Mabait. Nobody really tried to ask me about things. Di ko na lang din maalala. What I know is ako lang yung naiimpluwensyahan. Si J lang talaga yung sinabayan ako sa gusto ko, sumali sya sa Art Club para kasama ko sya kahit na hindi sya masyadong magaling sa art katulad ng iba.

It's not that peke yung pinapakita ko sa kanila... Ako pa rin naman yon eh. Kumbaga yung alam nila ay yung mababaw na ako, and wala pa sila dun sa malalim na ako. Yung 2 ko lang na bestfriends nung HS are the ones who really knew truths about me.

And now pagdating din ng College, ganun pa rin ako. I really thought magbabago ako and gain more confidence sa art ko and sa sarili ko. Unfortunately, konting improvement lang AT nagsimula lang yon nung nakasama ko ang 3 lukarit.

Still, sobrang conscious ako sa sasabihin ng iba kaya all smiles ako sa lahat /tho sanay na ako and smile brings positive energy/ Tbh ngayong College lang ako nakarinig ng compliments. Among my relatives, none at all. Among my HS friends, well they always told me I'm kind.

Kaya sobrang awkward kong magtake ng compliments. I mean, yas I LOVE compliments /sa mukha ko, sa art ko, sa utak ko/ BUT di ko alam ang irereact ng mukha ko at sasabihin ng bibig ko. I kept on thinking "Okay lang ba kung magte Thank you lang ako?" "Ibabalik ko ba sa kanya yung puri?" "Sasabihin ko ba 'Luh mas maganda nga to kay ganern o mas maganda ka'" Kaya if makakausap mo'ko, even sa chat, medyo matagal ako magreply kasi iisipin ko pa kung di ka maooffend sa sasabihin ko.

Tbh 4 na tao lang yung as in magrereply akong straight, (3g1b) and minsan din iniisip ko pa rin lahat bago magreply sa kanila. Maaari sabihin nila "Di naman siguro maooffend yan," well yeah they might not get offended but they will get AWKWARD. This is one of the main reasons why nagtatagal din ako magreply... Even kapag may kausap talaga ako or in a group /not in chat/ magsasalita ako and then matitigil na yung convo na ako yung huling nagsalita, sobrang nakakaawkward potek. Lmao.

Kaya I mostly stay quiet or just laugh with them kapag may ganung scenario. So ganun, no confidence, no good communication skills. Magrereact lang sa story ng classmate na maganda, ang natakbo sa utak ko, "Luh ngayon lang ako magrereact, baka maawkward/magulat sya kung bakit ako nagreact."

Yup, I hate my thoughts.

So I created another account in Twitter and IG just to freely express myself without minding kung sino mangja judge. And there nasasabi ko ang thoughts, rants ko, nakakapagstory ng mukha ko at mga ginagawa ko sa buhay. Unlike them na sa mismong real account nila nakakapagstory ng mga gusto nilang ishare.

Naiisip ko rin kung anong mali sa ishe share ko, alam kong wala, pero if magstory ako, daming magrereact and I don't effing know how to react/what to say to them. AND if magstory ako, I'm bothered and I will keep on thinking about that story for 24 hrs "Luh baka may manghate saken or ganon." Nafru frustrate rin ako sa sarili ko AHAHAHAHA.

So ganon na lang din, minsan nakakakuha ng confidence, okay post sa real account sa IG ng matino, pero like if random ding napasok minsan ang confidence ko na gusto kong magpost/magstory sa IG, todo hanap pa ng mga magandang quotes and everything... Kapag andun na sa 'Share,' nabackout na lang ako. Nasa isip ko "Bakit ko to ipopost?" "Ano ba pake nila saken?" "Ano kaya sasabihin nila rito?" Ganuuuuunnn I hate that.

At honestly, gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, nagka confidence lang ako nung nakasama ko 3 lukarit. At konting praises and everything ng friends at classmates. Simula nung nagkasama kami, nakapaggawa ako ng art account ko sa IG kasi nakikita ko sa kanila na ginagawa nila gusto nila. After thesis lang ako nagkaron ng art account... Si A magaling mag edit ng vids and aesthetic, Si L magaling magcompose at kumanta, Si D magaling magluto, and everyone knows that. Ako ba, ano bang alam ng iba sa akin.

Yan naisip ko rin to why I started that account kaya sobra sobra ako magpopost don ng ginagawa ko sa buhay. ALTHOUGH hindi pa rin alam ng lahat na may ganun ako and hindi ko balak na ipaalam purposely sa kanila. If they like my art kung mapadaan sila sa account na yon, then follow me. Kasi I'm bothered na halos araw aeaw ako nagpo post, baka makulitan sakin at may kung anong masabi pa. Sobrang overthink ga. Ganern. Hadya nako nagkaron ng followers don and I'm proud din kasi di ko sila kilala so baka nagustuhan nila ang ginagawa ko. although yung iba support accounts but yeah hilahan lang to pataas. They support me and ako rin sa mga art accounts.

Nalaman ko na lang din ang pagsusulat at pagdo drawing nung 3rd year HS ako dahil ng aking bestfriend. Though ang dami ko pa nasulat non bago dumami ang views. Syempre pag nagpost ka ng art mo, eexpect mo madaming magkakagusto non, pero nuong HS, pinost ko na sa lahat ng sites na alam ko, wala pa rin. But andun na yon e, so hayaan ko na lang, kung sino makapansin, happy reading lang ganern. Naboost lang din non confidence ko sa pagsusulat after 4 yrs na nakapost sa wattpad yon, madaming viewers and comments, pero busy busyhan na nung College, hindi nako nakakagawa ng magandang istorya katulad non. Parang shet, nangalawang nako, so nag poem na lang ako. At tsaka rants. 🤣

So ngayon, bago ko sinimulang sulatin tong blog na ito, inisip ko kung bakit ako ganito. Like kung dahil ng environment or what. I know malaking parte yung confidence ko so ako ang rason kung bakit ako ganto. But I tried to look at my parents at yung kinalakhan ko hanggang HS na they never really had complimented me. I mean i know na better yon kesa sa fake support and smile di ba /pertains to HS classmates/ But sa isip ko, ang laking impact nung sa parents ko. I know hindi expressive parents ko tas si Papa nasa abroad. So I take on my mom, ni isa naman saming magkakapatid wala syang binigyan ng "praise." BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG, kaya yan naka air-quote ay dahil alam ko naman sa sarili ko na proud sya saming lahat and I don't really have a big problem with that. Ganun sya eh, at naging ganun din ako. I rarely compliment a person. Kasi iisipin ko, pagkatapos ko sya icompliment, ano sunod kong sasabihin. 🤣🤣

What bothered me dati sa mga relatives ko ay "Sayang chuchuchu." "Sayang gandang babae di nagsho shorts." "Sayang katangkad haba ng legs di nagshoshorts." At ngayon napapatawa na lang ako dahil ng mga sayang na yan. Ang dami ko kayang stretch marks non sa tuhod (dahil ng pantal na allergies) tas ang itim pa ng tuhod ko, kaya di rin ako naniwala. Tsaka if magshort ako, jusko pupunahin na ng buong kamag anakan ko at himalang nagshorts ako. Nang aamboy ganun, kaya never never ako nagshorts hanggang makatapos ng HS, hanggang pedal lang ako.

And siguro dahil nakalakhan ko na rin na si Ate yung nape praise, then pagdating sakin, joke na. "Yun si Ate Top 1, quizzer, Valedictorian." Pagdating sakin "Yan si M tomboy, chess lang ki-chess, are panuorin mo tong anime na are" So don nagsisimula ang kwentuhan at jokes /like everytime na may get together./ But I didn't take it in a bad way kasi may honor din ako nung elem days. And alam ko rin kung ano kaya kong gawin, magaling akong magchinese garter nong elem, maayos nako magdrawing at sumulat nung HS, mas umayos akong magdrawing nung College, tsaka magrant CHAR. GANERN. Ganon ko lang kino compare sarili ko until now. Magaling sya sa ganto, at least magaling ako sa ganto. So I do my own business lang ganern.

So I do think na I have confidence sa sarili ko, na hindi ako mas mababa sa kanila, kumbaga ibang kategorya lang ako, the problem is, hindi ko kaya ilabas yung confidence na yon nang ako lang. i just do that for academic reasons but when pertaining to my own art and myself, talo ako dyan.

Tsaka siguro maiisip din ng iba, buti ka nga, may alam kang gawin, matalino ganto ganyan. Pero yun na nga, matalino nga ako, madaming drawings, madaming published stories, pero bakit wala pa ring confidence. I invested so much on these things, sobrang hirap na ikimkim nang ganito yung art ko na gusto ko nakikita at naaappreciate rin ng iba. Sobrang hirap na feel ko ang ganda ko ngayong araw, feel ko ang ganda ko sa picture na to pero di ko maishare kasi takot ako sa sasabihin ng iba. So please don't think na buti pa ako, don't say "Ikaw na magaling. Ikaw na ang madaming alam. Ikaw na ang madaming kayang gawin," /yup may nagsabi na sa akin nyan./ Have confidence? I've been trying to have that since the time I realized the things that I can do. And it's hard.

___

P.S.

I'm still trying. I'm not closed to improving myself. And again, this is a rant.

And (6)STINSA po ito sadya kasi I have the (5) STINSA that I can't or won't(?) publish.

- ERI