#lmao feel bad that this is so quiet compared to my main IF blog

[sweetsilver-if]

Also I'll give a more proper writing update in November, but I have been chipping away at Chapter 1! For now have this preview about a pretty important variation MC can have depending on the ending they got in the Prologue!

[dinosaurtsukki]

BSD x university au hc’s | pt. 2

part 2 of the university au hc’s !! i am obviously a slut for chuuya and fyodor so don’t mind me. i hope you guys like this !!

check out pt. 1 here

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Akutagawa Ryuunosuke:

i love akutagawa ryuunosuke my angst child but i’m just like ‘hmmmmmmm’ when it comes to what his course would probably be

after extensive research aka reading his character page on wiki i feel like maybe he’d be a history major because,,,, he likes antiques?

well his clothes do seem very dark academia-esque and i can see him liking something as cool as history

akutagawa’s probably into something like war history but he’s not weird about it he just finds it really cool how different strategies work or analyzing what exactly makes the winners win

he absolutely HATES the fact that he keeps having to read the Iliad for class

he’s also that classmate who INTENSIVELY DEFENDS achilles for being a bit of a little bitch (but he fully agrees that patroclus and achilles were gay af ok this was random moving on)

akutagawa has practically no social life. he doesn’t go to parties, he doesn’t talk to his roommate, he doesn’t even like to eat in the dining hall

BUT he absolutely loves being in debate team because WINNING

he’s such a nightmare to work with though but he just delivers so well when it’s time for him to speak. like, if he’s on a negative and it’s time to hash out rebuttals, just prepare to get MURDERED

other debaters: “esteemed scholars and adjudicators...”

akutagawa: “you, sir, have no idea how wrong you are.”

that is until dazai decided to randomly show up at a debate tournament all ‘la di da da’ like and completely crushed akutagawa along with his ego

from then on he started stalking dazai and just SOMEHOW managed to end up in his circle of friends

even though he’s antisocial in real life, akutagawa 100% runs a dark academia aesthetic blog on tumblr i’m right and i don’t accept criticism

it’s actually really good he has a ton of followers and even does requests for moodboards if someone asks nicely

atsushi was the one who actually found out about it but he’s nice so he didn’t tell akutagawa about it

kunikida probably follows that blog

Chuuya Nakahara:

if this part sounds like i’m just thirsting for chuuya then you’re absolutely right i love wine man

don’t get mad at me but i can ABSOLUTELY SEE HIM MAJORING IN FASHION DESIGN I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

he’s just always had such a good eye for fashion and he’s veryyy meticulous when it comes to snipping and putting together clothes

chuuya also carries a sketchbook full of designs and his drawings look amazing and he isn’t afraid to just show them off

that said he doesn’t dress like a tired uni student at all, like he just always looks so on-point and unbothered by his five million deadlines

dazai: chuuya, i said this was a CASUAL LUNCH

chuuya, dressed in what looks like silk pajamas: THIS IS CASUAL

tbh if he just wore a white t-shirt and jeans i would die maybe he’s actually saving us from this ordeal

he has so much talent though as a designer he’s probably had several internships with design companies all throughout his years at uni

i feel like chuuya’s also really active in extracurriculars and has been in leadership positions in some of them (he probably runs the student org for fashion design)

chuuya in a student band though oh my gosh i can’t breathe i can’t breathe him as a VOCALIST?? and wearing torn jeans and eyeliner and that same hat in concerts ican’t brEATHE

okay in all honesty he would thrive being in a band chuuya loves the attention and the creativity of being able to design their whole look and write songs

tbh i don’t know if he’d have a roommate chuuya’s probably the type who’d rather have one of those single rooms or just rent a flat for him to stay in even after graduation

because his social life is super vibrant, he does have a lot of friends and he does make an effort to get to know all of them individually 

but he’s more open around those who he’s been friends with for a really long time and as much as he’d like to say dazai isn’t one of them, he is

also chuuya is definitely the type to party hard during the weekends and has more than once crashed in someone’s house after drinking too much (dazai drew on his face on more than one occasion)

Oda Sakunosuke:

i love this man SO MUCH you guys have no idea i would literally die for him

100% this guy majors in creative writing because this is supported by FACTS and not just me wanting to be coursemates with him in this fictional world

super serious and diligent with his work especially since he’s passionate about writing. he loves to read in his spare time and is such a fan of classic novels about social realism or philosophy

oda spends 99% of his time in second-hand bookshops that the owner probably knows him by name at this point

he’s super old school when it comes to writing though, like he still keeps and writes in a notebook before typing it up on a laptop and no matter how many times dazai tells him its impractical, oda just keeps doing it

lmao whenever workshops come around he’s super nice with his critique. i bet a lot of his fellow classmates like sending their writing drafts to him

he draws smiley faces and always adds ‘nice work’ on people’s drafts omg i love odasaku

he’s such an old soul, he probably doesn’t do a whole lot of partying but he likes more quiet, private social events like drinking with close friends or just hanging out and talking at other people’s houses

he and dazai probably met when dazai decided to take an intro to creative writing class and wrote a long poem about double suicide on his first day that kind of put off everyone in the class from wanting to sit with him

odasaku was the only one who wasn’t exactly bothered but he did give dazai some comments to help him with his poetry and dazai instantly wanted to be his friend

in terms of extracurricular life, i can definitely see odasaku joining a writing organization and even the campus newspaper. he does find joy in interviewing students for newspaper articles

he’s also pretty into photography and uses a really old, second-hand camera that he bought at an antique store and fixed himself. at one point he won a prize in a contest

odasaku would be the best roommate. he’s super sensitive to when you have a bad day and will invite you to sit on his bed and hug his pillow and talk about your problems

scratch that, everyone talks to odasaku about their problems and now your room is like a therapist’s office

Edgar Allan Poe:

i swear this was the only gif i could find other than actual edgar allan poe

ANOTHER CREATIVE WRITING BUDDY AHHH I WOULD LOVE TO BE BESTIES WITH HIM AHHH

well actually i feel like since he’s super ambitious and already has a fixed idea on the stuff he likes to write, he’d probably double major in something like forensic science because he’d use it to write his mystery novels

omg that’s where he meets ranpo and now pretty much every main character poe writes is slightly based on on ranpo

it’s a problem. his professor brings it up more than once during his classes but it’s poe’s Thing now

he also has such an unending passion for gothic literature and he wears those white, long-sleeved blouses and waistcoats on a REGULAR BASIS

chuuya probably saw him once and was like ‘hmm, i could pull that off’

poe’s daily route is just going to the library and to class and then go home and that’s about it

he ended up working as a student assistant at the library because he’s just super familiar with the book collections and it’s a job that’s peaceful and quiet 

more than once though, he’d just be really in-deep with his writing to the point that he doesn’t even notice that the library has closed or that he hasn’t eaten the entire day

that’s alright though because ranpo always passes by the library at night to check on his friend and (reluctantly) give him some snacks

also since poe’s pretty much a recluse, he doesn’t go to any social event UNLESS it’s a halloween-themed one

he loves going all out with his costumes because he’s a Drama Queen like that but the problem is he keeps dressing up as gothic novel characters and nobody gets it

dazai, trying to guess his costume: umm,, Two-Face from Batman?

poe: IT’S DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE

there was this one time when poe took it upon himself to host the halloween party and it was EPIC

he basically designed it as a murder mystery night wherein everyone who came pretended to be guests at a house and then a murder happened

the only problem was that ranpo was conspiring with poe and it was pretty much unfair

except for the fact that ranpo was frustrated at how bad everyone was at deducing that he ended up solving the mystery for them

Fyodor Dostoevsky:

one of my favorite scenes of him in s3 was of fyodor playing the cello because god damn that is beautiful and therefore i am hc-ing him as a music major and you can’t tell me otherwise

fyodor is an absolute music genius and he was definitely scouted by the university’s music program and then he was granted a scholarship (because in this ideal university, the arts are valued)

he purposely decided to go to a university rather than a music conservatory because he’s also interested in learning a bunch of other things

aside from his music classes, he ventures into comparative literature and philosophy, even a bit of computer science at some point

people always assume that since he’s a music major he probably wouldn’t do well in other subjects but SURPRISE BITCH

anyway, fyodor’s a genius because god clearly has favorites

aside from attending class, he’s even part of an official orchestra and has even landed a few solos 

that said, he’s quite busy and very preoccupied in his own work to actually have a social life either

you’ll often find him rehearsing by himself in an empty classroom for hours and hours on end (someone pls bring him food he’s also the type to forget to eat or even drink water)

if you are able to catch him perform at an orchestra or just practice by himself, it’s quite a mesmerizing sight. his eyes are often closed so he could focus on the sound alone and his fingers move so elegantly along the neck of the cello

(sorry i just love people who play any form of stringed instrument)

fyodor also takes such good care of his cello. also he would probably kill you on the spot if you touched his bow

he has a fairly small group of friends and they like playing chess together (even though fyodor is better than all of them) and just talk about um,, idk philosophy and stuff (whatever it is smart people do idk i’m not one of them)

i have a feeling he actually follows akutagawa’s dark academia blog and loves his content, even to the point of requesting ‘cello player moodboards’

also because he’s a cello player he needs to take care of his fingers so he wears gloves a lot (idk why i find this hot)

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taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @tpwkatsumu @laure-chan

[uzuuzuking]

so this started out as just a general post about why i like cinderella adaptations, but slowly spiraled into a ranking/review of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen in my short, young life. so strap in for possibly the longest post i’ve ever made on this blog. (look, i never know how much i have to say about something until i really get going lmao)

idk why i like cinderella adaptations/remakes/spinoffs so much? most of them are garbage (especially the ones within the last 10 years don’t @ me) but fuck it i like this brand of garbage. it’s fun to watch these movies and rework the bad plotlines and dialogue in my head as i go along.

i guess i like the source material and some of the aspects of all the different adaptations, but honestly i just like re-imagining them because there’s only so much cringey script-written-for-teens-but-clearly-written-by-40-year-old-adults-who-have-no-idea-how-teens-or-even-people-for-that-matter-actually-talk-and-interact i can take in one excruciating sitting.

anyway here’s my personal ranking of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen that no one asked for. (not including stage productions because i haven’t seen any and have no opinion of them. also not including into the woods because that’s not just cinderella, but a spectacular amalgamation of fairytale mishap and shenanigan.) and reviews because apparently i had more to say than i originally thought when i first started constructing this list:

cinderella (1997) - the absolute best cinderella adaptation of all time, hands down, this is non-negotiable. this movie has it all: an excellent and diverse cast, gorgeous costume design, beautiful sets, some of the most dazzling dance numbers i ever witnessed when i first watched it at the wee age of 4, and a positive, progressive message that was accurate for its time yet also so ahead of its time. i cannot praise this version of cinderella enough, it is my all time favorite and one of my top 3 feel-good movies. if you watched it today, the effects might not be as magical compared to what we have now, but keep in mind it was released in 1997. anyway, the cast is truly amazing and so effortlessly inclusive (and honestly the fact that the prince was asian with a black mother and white father and they literally never addressed it was such a power move). i could go on about this movie forever (i’ll probably make a whole post dedicated to it in the future) and what it meant to me and many others as young, impressionable poc. in conclusion, this movie set an exceedingly high standard for me and destroyed the chances of any other cinderella adaptation even hoping to live up to that. i love it! so! much!

ever after: a cinderella story (1998) - tbh i never saw this until i was in college but i immediately fell in love. i love the flow of the story as a whole - i never felt like anything was missing. i love the costumes and i especially love how danielle and henry’s relationship progressed throughout the film. slow-burn comes to mind when i watch their interactions and we all love a sweet, sweet slow-burn. it’s romance babes! it’s Dramatic in a few scenes and all i can say is that it really works because drew barrymore’s performance is exceptional, fantastic, engaging, more adjectives to describe how enthralled by her i was. above all, her character is compassionate - she uses her voice to speak in support for those who are suppressed by the flawed government systems and law enforcers, and influences the prince to use his status and power to better his people who lack the privileges of the nobility. she’s such a strong female lead (emotionally and physically - she literally fireman carries her love interest, who is taller than her and definitely exceeds her own bodyweight) and truly the mvp of this adaptation. watch it. watch it for Her.

enchanted (2007) - amy adams and idina menzel - ‘nuff said. okay but for real this one is so unique with its transition from classic d*sney 2D animation style to the real three-dimensional world and i adore it to the ends of the earth. the music? slaps! the story? slaps! the development of the main character? slaps!! she’s so princess-y and d*sney cartoon-y and struggles in the real world, but she adapts at a good pace and i love that she learns to be realistic while also keeping hope and love close to her heart. also her mother figure / daughter figure bond with morgan is so so precious. the only constructive criticism i have for this movie is the fact that we were robbed of idina menzel singing!!! did they know all along she was destined to play the frozen queen years in the future and decided against her singing in this one?? is that it? ridiculous. it’s been over a decade and i’m still seething over this. other than that this movie is *chef’s kiss*

ella enchanted (2004) - anne hathaway’s back must still be hurting from carrying this film. (no shade to the other cast members, they’re good, but anne is a queen and i forever love her.) this is another childhood favorite of mine. the story itself is a refreshing take - hats off to gail carson levine for the source material! i’ve talked about the differences between the movie and book before in the midst of my reread of the book a few months ago, but i don’t remember how much i focused on the movie. it’s so different from the book that it might as well be its own thing. on its own, the movie is pretty decent! again, mostly because of anne. it’s funny, it’s sad (especially that scene towards the beginning between ella and areida, i’m in stupid tears every time), and it gets weird but it’s a fun time. the chemistry between char and ella is so zesty i can feel it through the screen, i swoon over both of them. tbh i probably wouldn’t like this movie so much if not for the fact that anne hathaway is truly talented and i spend most of my time watching it just looking at her. 

cinderella 3: a twist in time (2007) - i genuinely enjoyed and appreciated how the characters were written in this one. they all had clear motives and became much more dynamic through their lines and actions (drizella is arguably the most static character here but she still amuses me so it’s fine i guess). cinderella has more agency since the stakes are higher. prince charming actually has a gotdamn personality and has some of the funniest scenes and dialogue. good for him. i was kind of sad that anastasia’s story with the sweet baker boy was thanos snapped by the stepmother, but she and baker boy get a cute credits illustration together so it’s still canon! maybe i’m more biased on this one because i grew up rewatching it A Lot, but i definitely prefer it to the first and second movies.

cinderella (2000) - this one is kind of weird but i like it? the film has a really interesting vibe that i’m still trying to figure out how to describe even after seeing it like 5 times. wikipedia refers to the aesthetic style as “the glamour of the 1950s” which just might be as close as we can get. it follows the general guidelines of the cinderella plot, but the main differences were: zezolla (cinderella) was already helping with the chores before her father remarried, claudette (stepmother) was actively trying to murder zezolla’s father during their marriage, the stepsisters were much more violent and crass (they hunted zezolla’s beloved farm animals for sport and talked about getting “a man in [their] bed”), zezolla’s father was manipulated by everything claudette did and said and treated his own daughter poorly as a result, and prince valiant is honestly kind of a douchebag but seems willing to improve himself after meeting zezolla (basically his vibes are iffy but he’s willing to learn). this whole movie is pretty niche and i have yet to interact with someone who’s also seen it. and the only reason i’ve seen it so many times is because i just like listening to how the dialogue is delivered. (except for prince valiant’s random song at the ball, i kind of hated that and i skip through it every time lol).

a cinderella story (2004) - the classic hilary duff version. very cliche early 2000s high school romance, but it works for the cinderella narrative. not particularly diverse. a classic nonetheless. in my mind this is the pinnacle of the “modern cinderella movie” type. this is one of the most iconic movies for us zillennials and i’d like to think it’s known well enough for me to not go into a lot of detail about it. basically it was fresh and new for its time, had plenty of memorable scenes, and did i mention hilary duff? the film kind of plays into the “not like other girls” trope - as do a couple of the movies i listed above - but i’m just going to acknowledge that the early 2000s were Wack and simply move on. all in all, i like this movie for the nostalgia, iconic scenes, and hilary duff. also jennifer coolidge is pretty funny as the stepmother.

another cinderella story (2008) - again, an early 2000s classic, but this time with selena gomez. i liked the dancing in this one. i like selena’s quiet, somewhat timid characterization of her character, mary. and jane lynch in the stepmother role is perfection. she’s so fun to watch and is always hilarious. the story is nothing remarkable, but it’s okay and i liked it as a kid. after the hilary duff version, this one still managed to feel fresh because, though it was similar in its modern era approach, it focused more on the performing arts and dance. “cinderella” is an aspiring dancer, rather than the 2004 aspiring scholar. the “prince” is a famous popstar, not a football player. the stepmother is an outdated popstar desperate to stay Hip and Relevant with the kids, not a cranky botox lady. honestly i just love watching this one for the dancing, mary’s genuine and innocent love for the “prince”, and literally everything that comes out of jane lynch’s mouth. that woman is a dialogue gold mine.

a cinderella story: once upon a song (2011) - lucy hale is good. missi pyle is good. they play their roles and lines that they’re given fairly well. over all, it’s entertaining. lucy, of course, has them Pipes and i do like the songs in this movie. the only major downside for me was the “token best friend of color” trope. lucy’s best friend is an asian girl who’s good at sports and is there for one liners and support. the prince charming character’s best friend is a black guy who he only knew for probably a month at the most. he can beatbox, sing, and dj. basically he’s also just there as support. they really don’t do much for the plot but they’re there for diversity and whatnot. this movie is.. fine.

cinderella (1950) - the only reason this ranks so low for me is because i watched it a lot as a child when it was on vhs and it always felt like a fever dream to me. i was just really young and didn’t feel invested in any of the characters. it is a classic, though, and i would watch it again and be able to enjoy it.

cinderella 2: dreams come true (2002) - i liked cinderella’s and anastasia’s stories from this one. jaq’s was meh. it was fine.

dj cinderella or cinderella pop (2019) - netflix knows i like cinderella adaptations so, naturally, they shoved this into my recommended and, naturally, i watched it. twice. which is more than i can say for the following review... so this movie is brazillian and is pretty much the cut & mold of modern cinderella movies. but she wants to be a dj. she stars out living a perfect life as a wealthy girl with a loving family, but turns out her dad is cheating on her mom with his secretary. that’s when she “stops believing in love”. which is actually valid bc if i saw one of my parental figures cheating on the other, i honestly wouldn’t know what to believe in anymore. anyway, cíntia dorella (yes. that’s her full name.) and her mom move into her aunt’s place. a year or so passes. stepmother/secretary/cheating lady is throwing an extravagant birthday party for her daughters and hires freddy prince, a popular musician who cíntia doesn’t really like. meanwhile, cíntia gets a dj gig she’s excited for until she finds out she’s the opener for freddy prince at her stepsisters’ party. she ends up disguising herself as “dj cinderella” and freddy is super into her. it’s pretty generic from there but i was entertained enough to watch it twice. take from that what you will.

cinderella (2015) - ok so we been knew that d*sney’s live action remakes ain’t shit, and this one is no exception. d*sney within the last few years has been like 99% aesthetics and marketing. this movie was visually stunning, especially with the settings and costumes. those were the only 2 things i truly liked. everything else was forgettable. in its defense, i did read a post about the “have courage and be kind” message which is something wonderful to hold onto, especially for anyone in an abusive situation like ella. that’s valid and i respect that. i still lowkey hate this movie tho. i started getting a headache about 4 reviews ago, but remembering how much praise this movie got has reignited my fighting spirit. honestly if you like it, that’s good, you like what you like and that’s that. but this is my review and i hated how proper ella’s posture was (she’s been doing physical labor hunched on the floor for years now, how does she not slump around in exhaustion at the end of the day??), i hated how perfectly curated the whole thing was (again, that’s mostly because of d*sney and their aesthetics), and i hated how hollow everything felt. i can’t perfectly describe it, but i never felt emotionally invested in any of the characters. something about their performance was lacking and yet again i blame d*sney. i actually really like lily james, but something about the way she was directed left me devoid of emotional attachment to ella. i remember nothing about ella’s step family or the prince. that’s how much of an impact this adaptation had on me. also i just remembered the fairy godmother as i type this. i ADORE helena bonham carter, but this movie does a horrible disservice to her. if she liked working on this movie, then i’m happy for her, but even she wasn’t strong enough to sell this to me. i saw this movie in theaters and came out of it lamenting my waste of money that i could have spent on something i would have actually enjoyed. but the thing that enraged me the most, the thing i despised, i detested, the thing i seethed over and rant about to this day was the ONE (1) token black character. i don’t even know if he had a name but he was captain of the guard or some shit. if i remember correctly (but probably not tbh this movie was so forgettable), he was the one who heard ella singing and was the whole reason the prince was able to have her try on the glass slipper. this man, who had zero character development, zero relevance to the plot, an insignificant amount of screen time, is suddenly the reason the main character is able to finally connect with her love interest. um. What. i hate how the writers treated him and i will forever be filled with every last grain of salt over this. anyway he’s my favorite character and everyone else is just eh. to conclude this ungodly long review, i don’t like this movie. i tried to watch it again once but got so bored i quit 10 minutes in. do yourself a favor and watch cinderella (1997) instead. (the only reason this movie is ranked above the remaining 5 is the production quality. but i guess that’s unfair bc d*sney has the big bucks. and maybe i wouldn’t be so harsh if i weren’t sleep deprived and grumpy from a sugar-induced headache, but these feelings still come from my Chest so idk.)

a cinderella story: a christmas wish (2019) - i think we all secretly enjoy christmas-themed movies and this has got to be someone’s guilty pleasure. i was mildly entertained (but again with the cringey dialogue written by people clearly not in high school...) and i do like laura marano. but they autotuned her to hell and back - which i loathed - because the woman can actually sing and she has a lovely voice. she got to sing candidly one (1) time and i relished the experience. my ears thank her beautiful, un-autotuned voice. other than that it was.. fine. i didn’t hate it but i didn’t like it either. laura marano deserves better than this. (can’t say the same for the other actors tho because their roles were unmemorable.) also laura marano was super cute in her elf costume!

not cinderella’s type (2018) - i legit forgot about this one until after i compiled the entire list lol. i saw it on youtube and it was decent as far as i remember. it’s another modern day cinderella. i think the “prince” runs over “cinderella’s” cat or something?? i’m pretty sure it was her mom’s cat so now she has nothing left to remember her mom by. prince boy feels awful and tries to befriend her or do something to make it up to her, but she just doesn’t really like him. i think her aunt and uncle are emotionally abusive to her and prince boy does his best to be there for her without making things worse. if i remember correctly, i liked that aspect of the movie because it’s hard to be there for a victim of any kind of abuse if trying to help them could potentially hurt them more, especially minors still under the care of abusive guardians. anyway i think cinderella girl’s best friend is in love with her or something but she ends up not being into him and slowly gets together with prince boy. she eventually moves out of her guardians’ house and into the spare house at prince boy’s home (he’s rich or something). i need to rewatch this movie tbh i could be wrong about everything here lol.

rags (2012) - not amazing, definitely not memorable because i have nothing to say about its plot or writing, but it has keke palmer which is its one redeeming quality. also it’s the only one on this list where the male protagonist is the cinderella. so that’s solid i guess.

a cinderella story: if the shoe fits (2016) - this was a movie. it happened. i vaguely remember how ridiculous it was and sometimes i felt secondhand embarrassment. i don’t remember what about specifically, but i remember the emotion. sofia carson is a talented singer. i think she’s a decent actor but this script was Bad.

elle: a modern cinderella tale (2010) - i only watched this one because i was bored out of my damn mind and saw it on youtube. i felt bad for all the actors because this script was terrible. i don’t recommend this unless you’re about to sit down with your squad and make fun of it.

apparently descendants is on the “cinderella adaptations and references” list on imdb but i refuse to put it on my list because it’s not a cinderella-specific adaptation and i don’t like the descendants franchise. now, if we’re going to discuss a quality series about the children of fairytale characters, that would hands down be ever after high. but that’s a different topic for a different day.

thus concludes the ranking no one asked for but i felt compelled to make. thank you and goodnight

[dandanieeri]

Secret That Is Not Secret Anymore

(6) Hidden

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. This is me trying to reason out why I am like this.

And maybe hindi lang ako ito na nakakaranas ng kawalan ng confidence sa sarili. I know madaming tao na walang confidence but yeah, this is all about me.

First of all. Sobrang conscious akong tao.

I'm REALLY afraid kung anong sasabihin sa akin ng ibang tao. Kaya out of sa lahat ng kaklase ko nung HS, 2 lang may alam ng tunay kong personality (yung mga imperfections, kapangitan ng ugali ko and my mistakes)

Tbh ang tawag sa'kin nung HS ako Mama+myname dahil ng Mama - motherly figure ako and Mama Mary po yan dahil kamukha ko raw si Mama Mary /nauso yung movie ni Tony G. at Piolo. My friends among my classmates in HS actually called me that and that I am truly kind kasi lowkey lang ako. (Di po kasi ako nakikipagkompetensya sa academics sa section namin at walang nakaaway buong HS life ko. Kaya tingin nila mabait ako.) Pero like nakaenclose na sakin yon, buong HS life ko, dito lang ako sa Mabait. Nobody really tried to ask me about things. Di ko na lang din maalala. What I know is ako lang yung naiimpluwensyahan. Si J lang talaga yung sinabayan ako sa gusto ko, sumali sya sa Art Club para kasama ko sya kahit na hindi sya masyadong magaling sa art katulad ng iba.

It's not that peke yung pinapakita ko sa kanila... Ako pa rin naman yon eh. Kumbaga yung alam nila ay yung mababaw na ako, and wala pa sila dun sa malalim na ako. Yung 2 ko lang na bestfriends nung HS are the ones who really knew truths about me.

And now pagdating din ng College, ganun pa rin ako. I really thought magbabago ako and gain more confidence sa art ko and sa sarili ko. Unfortunately, konting improvement lang AT nagsimula lang yon nung nakasama ko ang 3 lukarit.

Still, sobrang conscious ako sa sasabihin ng iba kaya all smiles ako sa lahat /tho sanay na ako and smile brings positive energy/ Tbh ngayong College lang ako nakarinig ng compliments. Among my relatives, none at all. Among my HS friends, well they always told me I'm kind.

Kaya sobrang awkward kong magtake ng compliments. I mean, yas I LOVE compliments /sa mukha ko, sa art ko, sa utak ko/ BUT di ko alam ang irereact ng mukha ko at sasabihin ng bibig ko. I kept on thinking "Okay lang ba kung magte Thank you lang ako?" "Ibabalik ko ba sa kanya yung puri?" "Sasabihin ko ba 'Luh mas maganda nga to kay ganern o mas maganda ka'" Kaya if makakausap mo'ko, even sa chat, medyo matagal ako magreply kasi iisipin ko pa kung di ka maooffend sa sasabihin ko.

Tbh 4 na tao lang yung as in magrereply akong straight, (3g1b) and minsan din iniisip ko pa rin lahat bago magreply sa kanila. Maaari sabihin nila "Di naman siguro maooffend yan," well yeah they might not get offended but they will get AWKWARD. This is one of the main reasons why nagtatagal din ako magreply... Even kapag may kausap talaga ako or in a group /not in chat/ magsasalita ako and then matitigil na yung convo na ako yung huling nagsalita, sobrang nakakaawkward potek. Lmao.

Kaya I mostly stay quiet or just laugh with them kapag may ganung scenario. So ganun, no confidence, no good communication skills. Magrereact lang sa story ng classmate na maganda, ang natakbo sa utak ko, "Luh ngayon lang ako magrereact, baka maawkward/magulat sya kung bakit ako nagreact."

Yup, I hate my thoughts.

So I created another account in Twitter and IG just to freely express myself without minding kung sino mangja judge. And there nasasabi ko ang thoughts, rants ko, nakakapagstory ng mukha ko at mga ginagawa ko sa buhay. Unlike them na sa mismong real account nila nakakapagstory ng mga gusto nilang ishare.

Naiisip ko rin kung anong mali sa ishe share ko, alam kong wala, pero if magstory ako, daming magrereact and I don't effing know how to react/what to say to them. AND if magstory ako, I'm bothered and I will keep on thinking about that story for 24 hrs "Luh baka may manghate saken or ganon." Nafru frustrate rin ako sa sarili ko AHAHAHAHA.

So ganon na lang din, minsan nakakakuha ng confidence, okay post sa real account sa IG ng matino, pero like if random ding napasok minsan ang confidence ko na gusto kong magpost/magstory sa IG, todo hanap pa ng mga magandang quotes and everything... Kapag andun na sa 'Share,' nabackout na lang ako. Nasa isip ko "Bakit ko to ipopost?" "Ano ba pake nila saken?" "Ano kaya sasabihin nila rito?" Ganuuuuunnn I hate that.

At honestly, gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, nagka confidence lang ako nung nakasama ko 3 lukarit. At konting praises and everything ng friends at classmates. Simula nung nagkasama kami, nakapaggawa ako ng art account ko sa IG kasi nakikita ko sa kanila na ginagawa nila gusto nila. After thesis lang ako nagkaron ng art account... Si A magaling mag edit ng vids and aesthetic, Si L magaling magcompose at kumanta, Si D magaling magluto, and everyone knows that. Ako ba, ano bang alam ng iba sa akin.

Yan naisip ko rin to why I started that account kaya sobra sobra ako magpopost don ng ginagawa ko sa buhay. ALTHOUGH hindi pa rin alam ng lahat na may ganun ako and hindi ko balak na ipaalam purposely sa kanila. If they like my art kung mapadaan sila sa account na yon, then follow me. Kasi I'm bothered na halos araw aeaw ako nagpo post, baka makulitan sakin at may kung anong masabi pa. Sobrang overthink ga. Ganern. Hadya nako nagkaron ng followers don and I'm proud din kasi di ko sila kilala so baka nagustuhan nila ang ginagawa ko. although yung iba support accounts but yeah hilahan lang to pataas. They support me and ako rin sa mga art accounts.

Nalaman ko na lang din ang pagsusulat at pagdo drawing nung 3rd year HS ako dahil ng aking bestfriend. Though ang dami ko pa nasulat non bago dumami ang views. Syempre pag nagpost ka ng art mo, eexpect mo madaming magkakagusto non, pero nuong HS, pinost ko na sa lahat ng sites na alam ko, wala pa rin. But andun na yon e, so hayaan ko na lang, kung sino makapansin, happy reading lang ganern. Naboost lang din non confidence ko sa pagsusulat after 4 yrs na nakapost sa wattpad yon, madaming viewers and comments, pero busy busyhan na nung College, hindi nako nakakagawa ng magandang istorya katulad non. Parang shet, nangalawang nako, so nag poem na lang ako. At tsaka rants. 🤣

So ngayon, bago ko sinimulang sulatin tong blog na ito, inisip ko kung bakit ako ganito. Like kung dahil ng environment or what. I know malaking parte yung confidence ko so ako ang rason kung bakit ako ganto. But I tried to look at my parents at yung kinalakhan ko hanggang HS na they never really had complimented me. I mean i know na better yon kesa sa fake support and smile di ba /pertains to HS classmates/ But sa isip ko, ang laking impact nung sa parents ko. I know hindi expressive parents ko tas si Papa nasa abroad. So I take on my mom, ni isa naman saming magkakapatid wala syang binigyan ng "praise." BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG, kaya yan naka air-quote ay dahil alam ko naman sa sarili ko na proud sya saming lahat and I don't really have a big problem with that. Ganun sya eh, at naging ganun din ako. I rarely compliment a person. Kasi iisipin ko, pagkatapos ko sya icompliment, ano sunod kong sasabihin. 🤣🤣

What bothered me dati sa mga relatives ko ay "Sayang chuchuchu." "Sayang gandang babae di nagsho shorts." "Sayang katangkad haba ng legs di nagshoshorts." At ngayon napapatawa na lang ako dahil ng mga sayang na yan. Ang dami ko kayang stretch marks non sa tuhod (dahil ng pantal na allergies) tas ang itim pa ng tuhod ko, kaya di rin ako naniwala. Tsaka if magshort ako, jusko pupunahin na ng buong kamag anakan ko at himalang nagshorts ako. Nang aamboy ganun, kaya never never ako nagshorts hanggang makatapos ng HS, hanggang pedal lang ako.

And siguro dahil nakalakhan ko na rin na si Ate yung nape praise, then pagdating sakin, joke na. "Yun si Ate Top 1, quizzer, Valedictorian." Pagdating sakin "Yan si M tomboy, chess lang ki-chess, are panuorin mo tong anime na are" So don nagsisimula ang kwentuhan at jokes /like everytime na may get together./ But I didn't take it in a bad way kasi may honor din ako nung elem days. And alam ko rin kung ano kaya kong gawin, magaling akong magchinese garter nong elem, maayos nako magdrawing at sumulat nung HS, mas umayos akong magdrawing nung College, tsaka magrant CHAR. GANERN. Ganon ko lang kino compare sarili ko until now. Magaling sya sa ganto, at least magaling ako sa ganto. So I do my own business lang ganern.

So I do think na I have confidence sa sarili ko, na hindi ako mas mababa sa kanila, kumbaga ibang kategorya lang ako, the problem is, hindi ko kaya ilabas yung confidence na yon nang ako lang. i just do that for academic reasons but when pertaining to my own art and myself, talo ako dyan.

Tsaka siguro maiisip din ng iba, buti ka nga, may alam kang gawin, matalino ganto ganyan. Pero yun na nga, matalino nga ako, madaming drawings, madaming published stories, pero bakit wala pa ring confidence. I invested so much on these things, sobrang hirap na ikimkim nang ganito yung art ko na gusto ko nakikita at naaappreciate rin ng iba. Sobrang hirap na feel ko ang ganda ko ngayong araw, feel ko ang ganda ko sa picture na to pero di ko maishare kasi takot ako sa sasabihin ng iba. So please don't think na buti pa ako, don't say "Ikaw na magaling. Ikaw na ang madaming alam. Ikaw na ang madaming kayang gawin," /yup may nagsabi na sa akin nyan./ Have confidence? I've been trying to have that since the time I realized the things that I can do. And it's hard.

___

P.S.

I'm still trying. I'm not closed to improving myself. And again, this is a rant.

And (6)STINSA po ito sadya kasi I have the (5) STINSA that I can't or won't(?) publish.

- ERI

[athyrabunlord]

Aqours 1st Live LV Thoughts

It’s a rainy day (typical Vancouver weather)

My throat is sore from all the screaming (srsly actual screaming)

Both my arms are disabled after 3 hours of waving the glowsticks

It’s wet and cold af and I’m hungry (I came straight to the theatre after work so no dinner), so I’m eating hot cup noodle LOL

Even after all of the above, I’M SO EUPHORIC AF LIKE OMFG WHATTA EXPERIENCE I need to ramble asap nvm I have to wake up for work in… 4 hours LOL

Very long rambling under the cut:

I went to the Theatre straight after work because I was worried about the lineup and, boy, I made the right decision because 5minutes after I got there, the line suddenly quadrupled the original length.

Yes bad pic I know, but at least I remembered to snap a shot before chatting with nearby nice fellow livers! I have to say, I was surprised by the male:female ratio - I’m certain it was 65%-35%!! or even more girls!

Anyway, as we were lining up, I saw people who brought their nesoberis, badges, keychains etc., while I only have a lonely orca keychain on my purse because, hey I did come straight from work, there’s only so much gear I can bring conveniently XD;;; Someone brought a boom box and blasting songs, so when Aozora came on we were all doing calls on the sidewalk, lolol!!

Once we got in, we got that nice Aqours post cards with the girls’ signatures +_+ and the back looks like this:

yes I still use iPhone 4S as my main phone so excuse the quality

and we also get one smol glowstick for free! I snapped mine way before the LV started lmao, but it was a brilliant purple Mari color XD

I made friends with a few Livers and chatted a bit with the girl beside me (we both adore Honoka and Chika, loving them as the leaders and technically neither of us could pick a fav girl because we love them all!!). Maa, I told her my fav girl is orca (because I fangirl her the most and I did bring her keychain XD), so she gave me an extra glowstick that’s green - Kanan’s color! So I ended up having #kanamari glowsticks lmfao I’m such trash

Before LV started tho, we decided to move to the front (I think the 2nd row in fact) and later on that was def the right decision because lmao I stood up the majority of the LV , sorry for the people behind us several rows back XD;;;;;;

A nice guy was handing out a copy of teamonibe’s fan callbook!

To the left, there are a bunch of hardcore(?) guys with the UO sticks (a box in fact), ready to get rollin’. I thought they would disturb/decrease enjoyment of the LV but, I was wrong! For me at least, their hoarse cries, cheers and sincere calls really added to the LV experience so for that, I’m thankful they were there!

As the theatre fills up (not completely full tho), the guy with the boombox continues to play music and… well, when Psychic Fire played, I friggin’ just lost it LOOOOOL FooFOO!!! BIBI BIBI BIBIBI!!!!!!!!! My HP nearly turned grass-green before the LV even started X’DD From that moment my switch turned off and I’m total Liver mode.

We did calls with the background music, but when the Intro screen came on, we all lost it and started cheering as each girl came on the screen. I vaguely remember standing up and cheering (read: screaming) Kanan and Dia >_>;;;

Aozora is the opener and GDI I DEFINITELY SCREECHED LIKE HOLY SHIT BIG SCREEN HIGH DEFINITION MY AWESOME GALS THAT’S AQOURS FFFFFFFCKKKKKKKK

I was all sweaty and I can feel the ache in my arms after the song ended. XD!!! Maa, I was (willingly) spoiled by all the twitter and posts so I knew exactly what lineup are the songs. Even then, that trepidation and excitement as the intro to KoiAq came on. *_* SHUKASHUU HER SMILE IS BRILLIANT SHE EXTENDS MY LIFE BY SEVERAL YEARS LIKE OMFG SHE’S SO, SO CUTE

Ahem, member intro time. Gawd, now, this is what makes LV sooo much fun! Doing the call/response with the VAs! Due to all the niconamas, I know each by heart and it was amazing to actually scream my adoration for them, especially with fellow fans!!! I also notice Aikyan, Shukashuu and Anchan are the most popular (at least around my area which is the front, I have no idea what’s going on with the mid + backrows loooooool)

I myself bounced up and fcking SCREAMED MIKAN, MIKAN, MI~KA~N with Anchan’s call lmaoooo (and let out a very girly screech when suwawa hugged shukashuu in her intro lmfao I can’t help it)

Aqours Heroes is a very fun song to do calls with but lmao my HP was definitely dark red by then X’DDDD So grateful for the intermission. My respect for the VAs spiked again for having such stamina!

The intermission chibis are so darn cute. I finally understood why people said they’re upgraded compared to previous LL concerts - the eyes and expressions are def way more animated! Mari’s （＞ω＜） is beyond cute.

Hand in Hand is a very fun song, I remember twirling my glowsticks like an idiot but this was also when I noticed my purple glowstick is dying OTL

Daisuki has quite the uniformed calls, or at least we’re able to grasp the rhythm better than HiH. The MC afterwards was adorabs. Sks is criminally kawaii.

Yume de Yozora is beautiful. I don’t remember much except that it really is beautiful, something you just sit back and enjoy.

Another intermission. The Ramen vs Shuumai vs Curry bit was hilarious af xD I wasn’t able to concentrate much tho because I knew the subunit songs are next and based on the fanarts and magazine photos, I already know I’ll die.

GenkiZenkaiDDD came on and I was deceased. Followers of this blog should know I’m utter CYR garbage and fck, no, really, Anchan, Shukashuu, Shokunin AiAi absolutely slayed me. The outfits really, really look good on them, photos alone do not do them justice. DDD is such a fun song and we all had a blast! I remember actually, jumping, many times (as in my feet really left the ground…) I LOVE CYARON *actually roared that near the end of DDD I was garbage I cannot be stopped xD;;;

The MC, well, I don’t know how I survived it because I love them so much like omfg???? The girl in my row, a You/Sks fan, also ded like me. The fanboys around us were slaughtered. I distinctively remember hearing a hoarse cry of bliss at how cute they were. RIP that gentleman lmao.

Next, perhaps I’m biased af because this is my fav song, but Yozora is breathtaking. Beautiful, mesmerizing, each of their facial expressions and movements, holy sht. Shukashuu’s solo ballet bridge, fccccck.

The Dun-Dun-DunDun! for Torikoriko Please came on and I instantly hopped back onto my feet. If my screams at Suwawa and Arisha-sama annoyed anyone then I apologize here XD;;; Like I said, my switch turned off. I’m normally a quiet girl (surprise surprise) but I think I had screamed several years worth of shrieks tonight…

But yes, Arisha is… like, wow. Goddess much? (Many fanboys perished here yes) And that bit where Suwawa fixed Arisha’s hair so naturally and smoothly too like wtf just happened?!?!?!?!?! (unfortunately I only heard myself scream at that. So yes, the person who screamed then was me.)

Tokimeki, a goddess song, was indeed a goddess song here. It was also beautiful and ethereal. My soul was healed and I can die happily(again)

Strawberry Trapper, expected, was the most popular song but, hey, I was shrieking my lungs out too! They were sooooooooooo fcking cool! Aikyan, Rkk, Ainyan really nailed this song! The whole theatre was in uproar and deservedly so

MC showcases how smol and adorabs Ainyan is. I love her. I understand why Suwawa cuddles her so much because I wanna give her hagus too. Also, Aikyan was in total Yohane-sama mode. The guy behind me, a total Aikyan-tard, was killed several times throughout this MC

GNGK was a really fun song to do calls! It doesn’t deplete your HP drastically but still a lot XD

Intermission was a condensed anime summary up until ep9. During the YouChika scenes, my new friend smiled “YouChika Confirmed yo” and I returned that same grin “YouChika is real yo”. Fcuk yeah! (P.S. we both ship YouRiko too tho lmfao). The ChikaRiko window scene got a lot of cheers. My heart was filled with warmth at all the cheers at the μ's  mentions/scenes. I was the one who screeched Honoka if anyone heard X”D;;;;;; I also went batshit crazy at the kanamari hug scene I’M NOT SORRY FOR WAVING MY KANAMARI GLOWSTICKS LIKE THE GARBAGE I AM

Mijuku Dreamer. :’D don’t have much to say here - it’s everything I’ve wanted for this godly song with the godly outfits. The ThirdYears Hug near the end is 10 harasho

Finally, the long awaited, OmoiYo. We’re all already cheering for Rikyako when she got up to the piano. But omfg?? The close up shot of her swiping the piano keys in the intro like holy fck so badass????? RIKYAKO!!!! (I remember screaming her name until my voice went hoarse and I had to shut up for a while lmfao)

MC was great. Aikyan was great. KyanAi was adorabs. onee-sama was onee-sama. Shukashuu welcoming rkk back made the YouRiko fan inside me roll (along with fellow fans beside me lmao)

Todokanai is another fun song to do calls for. Since I recovered quite a bit of my HP earlier, I went back to actually jumping and screaming >_>;;;

Intermission again, more anime summary. We all did Mari’s “Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD” bit X’DDD it was fun af

MiraiTicket outfits are godsend. The musical before the song is sooo well-acted. Those who didn’t like the anime part or felt it odd/out of place (like myself), would surely have their opinion changed after this. Anchan truly is a natural. Also, again, YouChika confirmed yo >8D

WE SAY YOSORO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KimiKoko surprised me - it got me, really, really hyped up. The calls are really fun to do and we were all very united in this. Those leapfrog jumps tho. Gawd, I’m so proud of my girls :’D

Encore time - a guy behind my row was shouting “A~sore~!” after each of our “Enco-ru!” XDDD Funny af. This is also when the UO guys are prepping the next box of of UOs… oh and did I mention one of them was wearing a Shiitake suit/outfit?

The Encore animation was great. I remember Shiny-ing with Mari, and screamed Kanan and flailing my (still alive) green glowstick. And, ofc, Yosoro, Ganbaruby, and Mirai zura~

PopsHeart, I love this song!!! I already practiced through the MiniLive so, yup, I was back to jumping and shrieking and used up 2/3 of my HP flailing but goddam it’s such a fun song!!!!!

ED is a very popular song~ We’re all pretty much singing and serenading throughout this bit, especially Singing My Song for my Dream~ Also, Anchan and Arisha hugged. This is very important.

Closing MC. Off the top of my head, I remember screaming Ainyan when smolshiny is trying her best holding her tears ;A; and definitely screeched my throat sore for King’s tears. Again, I went batshit crazy at Suwawa. Sorry for the people around me again XD;;;;;

Last but not least ofc, was Anchan. Iono, when she thanked the audience for the live, my eyes felt damp. If I wasn’t so hyped (and dehydrated then), I might have actually cried. This must be the Live feels? I can’t really describe it - it’s a myriad of emotions, happy to be here to enjoy this, with fellow fans… it truly is amazing.

0>1 as the last song, we were def all jumping at this point. The UO guys went all out, so did we XDDDDD

Overall, this had been an incredible experience for me. Never had I had the opportunity to express my love for a fandom so much, so earnestly and full-heartedly, surrounded by strangers who also at that moment then were all connected by our mutual love for Aqours.

I had a lot of fun, it was definitely a fantastic night. I sincerely wish there will be more opportunities like this in Canada/Vancouver for future LLS events, and I also urge fellow fans to attend such events because, honestly, you don’t know what you’ve been missing out just watching niconamas etc.

P.S. even as I’m typing this, my green glow stick is still alive… how… I guess Kanan’s stamina being limitless is realz yo