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faerywhimsy · 2 years ago

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My heart is full today and I just gotta do a quick shout out to all the fan artists (I've loved before): @le-cabinet-du-garei @xxhellonursexx @nasnyys @sheepskeleton. Special mentions for @cup-of-lixx for that short ficlet about Daniel hitting his head on the coffin lid, and @eosphoroz for that throw away comment about vampires who don't know themselves enough to love in healthy ways.

This piece is basically my little love letter to you all and the angst great feels you inspire. <3

~*~*~

They got just one full good year together, Daniel and Armand.

Almost a decade of Daniel’s begging, pleading and threats over being turned into a vampire like Armand, the two of them got one good year after Armand actually did it.

And then, it all went to hell.

When Armand told him outright they’d be together in hell, Daniel just didn’t imagine it being like this. Maybe that was his stupid fault for being so naïve. But Daniel honestly couldn’t say Armand hadn’t told him so, hadn’t warned him what awaited the two of them.

The shit of it was, it really was great for a minute there. The best time of Daniel’s whole life.

His body felt alive and new in a way he could barely remember, and certainly never remembered without drugs in his system. Alcohol had become a downer for longer than Daniel had been willing to admit. And yet, it had remained what he reached for, like after Armand filmed his hair growing back on VHS, then suggested they watched it. (Only, they both knew it wasn’t a ‘suggestion’, it was their activity of the night in place of going out to watch the opera.)

Or, after it had already been established that Armand chose Daniel’s clothes each night, Armand suddenly decided that it was the 80s, and that necessitated a complete rehaul of his existing wardrobe in favour of a different look. (“I actually change with every era, Daniel. Keep up.” “… an ‘era’ is not the same as a decade… babe.”)

Daniel thought it was great, because he already knew so much about Armand (that he hates his name and the age he was turned, the style in which he best prefers Daniel to cut his hair, the way he doesn’t like to talk much, the way he has a type and Daniel knows full well he’s the least high maintenance out of himself, Lestat and Marius. But also how sometimes Armand likes to wear stockings under his clothes, even if no one but Daniel knows about it. And other times especially when no one but Daniel knows about it).

But what Daniel didn’t consider (didn’t know to consider) was that just becoming a vampire would be a learning curve too.

It wasn’t just about becoming the same as Armand. It was about Daniel having to learn himself all over again. A second fucking puberty. Allowing himself to see himself through the lens of really making the decision of being queer in the ‘70s and all that would entail for the first time again.

Only, this time it came without that tantalising option of simply… opting out in favour of a simpler life.

Because Daniel had asked for this, begged for it and, ultimately, completely consented to it regardless of all of Armand’s prior warnings.

For the most part, Daniel still didn’t regret it. Not when the reality of no longer hearing Armand’s voice in his head began to sunk in. He said to himself it was more than worth the price to pay for the privacy of his own thoughts and opinions that he was granted back. And he meant it! (At least that first two months.)

Hitting his head on the edge of the coffin at the end of every night was… less than ideal. Beds weren’t supposed to have lids. And he’d been so excited to go out shopping with Armand for his very first coffin It was part of the ritual, a rite of passage. But, ultimately, Daniel hadn’t complained when—a few months in—Armand very casually informed Daniel that they were moving an actual bed into the basement. (“Coffins are so very 19th century anyway, beloved. And we’re nearing the beginning of the 21st now.”)

Daniel very much liked when Armand was the first one of them to wake up each evening, and relished in every time when he woke up to find Armand staring at is blinking return from repose with that particular expression of quiet adoration on his features that only Daniel ever got from him. (“I love you too, boss.”)

The way Armand informed him of things was different too, after Daniel became a vampire. While he could (and did!) still make the ultimate decision over Daniel’s wardrobe, Daniel’s human food decisions were no longer on the table. Daniel sometimes got the feeling that Armand wanted them to be more like equals now that he was Armand’s child in the Blood, but then Armand would turn around and announce he had the final say and Daniel would be left scrambling as to where he stood all over again.

Sometimes he thought Armand was still trying to figure this out as well, given he’d never had another fledgling before.

And because of Daniel’s own devotion to Armand, he didn’t want to add the things he was trying to figure out onto Armand’s plate.

Like, when it started to seem overwhelming out on the street at nights because the juxtaposition of car headlights was too much for his eyes to process against the backdrop of the night. Or when Daniel downplayed times he lost himself so much in a vinyl playing on his record player that he’d be left sitting in front of it for he had no idea how long after it had stopped playing, until Armand came in to ask him what he was up to.

That was just the first six months.

By the second half of that first year, Daniel started to realise that he couldn’t easily remember the last time Armand had worn those stockings under his own clothing (and honestly Daniel wasn’t sure if it was that his memory was wonky, or Armand had actually stopped, and either way he didn’t want to ask and implicate himself or start another argument).

Not being able to hear Armand’s thoughts in his head meant that, more and more of the time, Daniel began to struggle with knowing what Armand was actually thinking given it wasn’t like he started speaking a whole lot more than he once did. Daniel found himself floundering and reaching for the things that he knew about Armand from before he’d been turned, but that started to feel stagnant. Like, shouldn’t he keep learning new things about the guy he loved?

Because, in the meantime, Armand kept noticing things about Daniel, like the way he preferred to feed. Daniel wasn’t interested in completely abstaining from blood like Louis, but neither did he want to kill humans now that he no longer was one. Maybe that would change over time, but for the beginning of his life as a vampire, Daniel only wanted to indulge in what he learned was called the Little Drink. He didn’t ask or expect for Armand to change his feeding habits to suit, and Armand didn’t ask him to help dispose of his victims.

Daniel wondered if Armand also happened to notice how Daniel was beginning to lose himself in things (time and memory mostly). There were patches in that second half of the first year where Daniel actively had to strive now to remain in the present. He was sure it would pass, otherwise Armand would have obviously said something.

Or… maybe not.

Because there was a definite communication problem between them. The two of them had spent over a decade before Daniel was turned where the mind gift made up such a large part of Armand and Daniel’s every day conversation and relationship. There wasn’t a switch after the veil of silence fell down between them where the habit of speaking that way was also broken. It wasn’t as though Armand suddenly enjoyed talking all the time.

Daniel recognised the issue and started trying to reverse their trajectory, to undo some of that damage. But he felt the heavy despondency, like it was too late even at the start doing much about it. And Daniel was already trying to balance too much; adjusting to being a vampire, staying present in the moment and now attempting to heal their fractured conversation skills. It was too much at one time.

He and Armand fought with one another, unable to meet in the middle because their life together up till then had been structured in a way where they both felt like they were already doing so much for the other. Daniel started wondering—in the constant privacy of his own mind—if there was too much separation between a 500 year old vampire and a 30 year old man-just-turned-fledgling. What if they couldn’t bridge that gap between them?

What if they just... couldn’t bridge it?

Somehow, it had all seemed smaller when Daniel was Armand’s mortal minion, almost as though that was more the natural way it ought to go between someone like Armand and someone like Daniel. As though, with his endless demands for something more, Daniel had taken them against the natural order of things.

Did he really believe that vampires had a place in the natural order of the world, to be able to go against it?

That was far too philosophical for Daniel in those last few months; not a thought he could hold onto without falling into another worrying spiral.

Finally, Daniel pushed himself to be the one to start the hard conversation.

“This isn’t working.”

Armand looked up at him from between long, uncut, auburn strands. He’d known this was coming, he must have. They couldn’t keep going like this, and it had become clear that Armand wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation.

They got one good year, Daniel and Armand, before it all went to hell.

“I think... it’s not a good fit right now. Like, I need to figure out how to be a vampire, and how to be with you as a vampire… separately.”

Armand’s nose crinkled under his curls even as he looked down to the floor. Still, he didn’t say anything out loud.

Daniel imagined he was thinking plenty, and silently he damned Armand for not being willing—or able?—to say any of it where Daniel could hear.

It left Daniel with the onus to be the only one speaking his thoughts. Yeah, he definitely resented Armand in that moment for that. He took his time, trying hard to find words that wouldn’t betray feelings of bitterness, but would still keep clear the things he’d been thinking in his head. Alone, always alone in his head now. Forever.

“We have a lot of time stretching out in front of us now, right? None of this, us, is in a hurry anymore. We just… need to get through this rough part.”

“You don’t… want to be with me.” Armand’s voice hitched, and that was the first sign Daniel had that Armand had started crying.

“No, babe… No, that’s not it. I do want to be with you. That’s why I’m doing this. I think… it’s gonna break us if we keep pushing through like this the way we are. What we’re doing isn’t working. I’m not working. I need to… to… figure out myself before we can be…” Was that right? Had Daniel really known so much about himself when he’d been drinking himself to oblivion? Taking uppers just to keep up with Armand?

Was that really what the problem was? Or was he just second guessing himself now so he’d get to stay? Stay…

Daniel was kneeling in front of Armand before he could stop himself, wiping away those stray tears that escaped past Armand’s resolve. Damnit, he couldn’t stand to see his boss cry.

“Please don’t,” Daniel whispered, only to then call himself a fool, cause this was real feeling Armand was showing Daniel right now. Showing in maybe the only way left Armand felt comfortable sharing.

What did Daniel know anymore?

~*~*~

from:

#fandom experience #fanfic #vc #the vampire chronicles #daniel/armand #the devil's minion

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