#living her best gd life

[justhavinfunnn]

Keleigh Teller the woman you are ♥️

[closetcasefabray]

jesus saves (i spend)

i have been writing parts of an avatrice college au for two gd years now. the ideas & writing are scattered between here (one of the tags below should work), my whatsapp convos with @snowandwolves, on discord, my dinosaur laptop that crashes, & my email. it’s a fucking disaster but whatever so am i & not once in my life have i had my shit together so this is all unsurprising.

SO what i’m saying is, here’s the only part i have ‘formally’ written in fic form bc i posted that other ficlet. doing this made me almost throw my dino laptop & my phone out a window on several occasions—that’s why there isn’t more. but i just wanna share this.

more notes & rambles at the end.

//

You notice her because it's syllabus week of your freshman year, it's an 8 AM class, and you're fairly confident you're still drunk from the party you attended last night, but she raises her hand and correctly answers a question posed by your theology professor without hesitation. Your professor, Father Vincent, was likely hoping for a good guess at best, but there she is, exceeding expectations from the moment she speaks. You pickup on an accent, which you would find incredibly attractive if you weren't so thrown by her perfect and concise response, like a well-prepared speech is always readily accessible in the back of her mind—a girl with all the answers. A young woman, really. 

You, however, are not—you're just a girl. You're just a girl who shows up to her morning classes smelling like the bar or the house party from the night before, like the weed you started smoking almost immediately upon arriving to university during orientation week, like the cigarettes you smoke because it affords you a little more quiet outside and an excuse to borrow a lighter and talk to a cute boy or a pretty girl.

You're just a girl who technically died, existed in nothingness for a whole minute before being ripped back into a reality of blank ceilings and the sound of your heartbeat in your ears. You're just a girl strangers prayed for after they heard about the American child pulled from the wreckage. You're just a girl who didn't get any credit for teaching herself to stand again, to walk again—and if you’re being completely honest, you’re a girl who’s incredibly bitter that a god you never saw in that one minute got all the credit and none of the blame—for taking your mother from you, for taking years from you that had to be spent healing from god’s grace or lack thereof. 

You're just a girl who is tired of being told to look at her life as an expression of holiness, who thinks it is more so the consequence of indifferent stardust. But you still look for the beauty in that, in humanity and its flaws—these meaningless beings in a vast universe, creating and destroying their own little, myopic worlds on this spinning rock. Some will dream of poetry for their lovers, and some will dream of arsenals to level cities. You wonder how many lips were pressed together in a final kiss versus hands clasped together in prayer when fire fell from the sky in the name of God. You wonder what that says about faith.

You'd like to think if your mother could see you, she'd laugh at the irony because once you were baptized, she never took you to church. God finds a way, so you spent five miserable years in a Catholic orphanage before you were sent back to America. People said you were lucky to have two years in a foster family at your age, but it felt like living with strangers who were tasked with the minimum of keeping you alive. Then you were moved into a home for teen girls with a nun at the helm, and that’s where you actually felt fortunate for the first time in years. It was there that Mother Superion helped you with your studies and college applications. So here you are, tipping into a hangover in one of the oldest buildings on campus, learning theology from a priest.

But your mom would understand. (You don’t remember much of her, and you try not to think about that too deeply, or else you have to deal with the resulting ache that comes from reaching inside yourself for something that’s gone.) You have spliced together what you can recall into a short reel—you mom buckling into your car seat while humming a show tune, showing you how to fold a pizza slice and telling about a city famous for their pizza, and holding your hand in a museum in Spain, promising to take you to another big museum closer to home, the home you never saw again. So you promised yourself and the parts of her you carry that you’d make it here.

You would have had to pay almost full tuition if you wished to attend your reach, requiring immense debt, so you ended up at the school that offered you a ticket to the city and a hefty enough scholarship you could get through four years without requiring loans or a full-time job to afford it. (You first refused to use your mother’s death as a sob story in you application letter, but Mother Superion put her hand on yours and said, So rarely do these letters contain truth, but do not be afraid to tell yours. In telling your truth there is a sadness, yes—and I know you detest pity—but of all the things that have been taken from you, do not feel guilty for taking some of it back to live a better life.) You remember getting your acceptance letter, and looking up at the sky and flipping it off, praying whatever god hears you, No thanks to you!

But your bitterness temporarily takes a backseat in your mind as you look at your classmate, beautiful in the refracted light shining through the stained glass window, speaking so graciously of god you'd think Jesus were in the room, about to hand her his latest work. It's poetry, bordering on scripture in a new tongue, and you'd almost be a believer if it didn't sound as if she had repeated these words—practiced—enough times to believe them herself. You wonder what that says about her faith.

If the nuns at the orphanage had spoken the gospel as she does, maybe you'd be here for different reasons. You're fascinated.

Behold, you are beautiful…

//

i promise this fic gets lighter & has some silliness. so some notes/tangents:

this is 100% self-indulgence bc i heard ‘write what you know’ & ran with that shit. when i visited a friend at a state school in a college town i was so so confused bc it was just a diff campus culture entirely. then i was going to make this set in an ambiguous city, but i literally have saved places in google maps that would be great places to kiss someone sooooo you get NY avatrice.

likely setting this before instagram & smartphones bc i’m old/lazy & i can.

the title is from st. vincent who my friend introduced me to in college. “paris is burning” changed my brain chemistry & so i listened to her music on repeat for ages—“jesus saves, i spend” is on the same album.

father vincent will not be a bad man or evil professor. he will be as he was before adriel—a lost man who found himself through god & still a little broken but caring & devout.

also song of songs/song of solomon is like… the only part of the bible i fucked with in theology class so that’s the reference at the end. also another line used in another scene with JC, chanel, & ava written in v rough form. maybe will share that later.

this is meant to be a fic with a post-grad sequel as well. not much written of that but a lot of ideas everywhere.

once i figure out where i’m moving (hahahaha i’m so stressed), i’ll consider a ko-fi or something (i wish emails & names weren’t shown though). but mostly i will likely need a second job to save up for an actually good computer/macbook. once i have that i’ll be able to post on ao3.

anyway thanks for reading & being here :3

[penaltyboxboxbox]

any genderbend headcanons you would like to share 👀????

YEAH....YEAH I DO....theyre all pretty random and non specific but if you want to hear me ramble about my girl drivers here u go

Charles: she's a non conventional fashion girlie...........she likes to dress quite femininely and and gets a lot of fashion based brand deals so she is often pairing skirts and such with her sportswear and it sometimes looks a bit silly. a lot of her fits are like...is it a fit or is she just really pretty and wearing designer lol. the skirt i drew her in is what I THINK would be her version of the quali pants, it's this knit skirt from gucci 💁‍♂️

Carlos: she is like two steps away from being a high bun lesbian. still keeps her FEM VIBES mostly because of family pressure. but the second she gets put in a dress its all a little . hm. youre a masc arent you.

Pierre: happy to be the paddock baddie like....she embraces it fully. she got a boob job and doesnt care if people know. constantly hints at being bisexual on instagram but will never confirm.

Esteban: the girl who had the most major glow up............and who has also had a bob her whole gd life. literally lives in a lulu jacket and yoga pants like its her uniform. she and pierre had the most toxic codependent girl friendship of all time. she's soooo so so tall and always got mad growing up because none of the boys liked her cause she was taller than them and got teased about it....still tall as fuck

Lance: my tall and beautiful wife...every few months she chops her bangs too short and everyone cries until they grow out again. she hates having hair in her eyes.... hates dresses and heels since she always sits with her legs out...gotta be comfy duh..

Fernando: milflonso............she was an it girl in her youth and then got divorced and came out as a lesbian and became an irresistible masc

George: the preppiest girl you can imagine she will never cut her hair AND she will wear a skort. extreme complex about being a tall girl.

Lewis: ultimate fashionista like she gets it....changes her hair a lot more than boy lewis....extremely in denial lesbian who dates the gayest men imaginable

Yuki: shes a hey mamas lesbian. she flirts so hard with pierre from like eye level with her huge boobs. kind of a fuckboy she swears she'll treat you rightttt come on babyyyy

Daniel: used to be such a hotgirl such a coolgirl like in her younger days she had long long hair and dressed sexy and was all about pushing this like....im a hot girl but im also so cool and just like the boys 😜 (she was overcompensating for something) but after she leaves redbull she like cuts off all her hair and slowly starts mascing the fuck out as she gets older.....now shes just straight up soft butch and everyone knows she kisses girls

Max: grew up forced to have the worst bowlcut in the world and never got to be very girly or anything so when she grew up she finally let her hair grow long and never cuts it. has barely any personal style and still cannot walk in heels tho.

Checo: arguably the one who cleans up the best like shes the one with the makeover montage everyone is so used to seeing her in red bull gear and a ponytail every damn day the second she puts on an outfit everyones like HELLO?????

Valtteri: used to be permanently in the low pony tail and attempting to dress acceptably business casual woman enough for things but after she left merc just embraced being a butch. has the same mullet as guy val. hallelujah

Guanyu: suuuuuch a fashion girl and absolutely rules instagram and weibo..........always doing photoshoots and stuff. experiments with cute hairstyles a lot, but always keeps her bangs ☝️

Alex: used to be super plain like wore big hoodies and just left her hair long and straight and hanging there until one day she got the chop+undercut going on.......now shes well aware shes everyones ideal boyfriend if he were a girlfriend.

Logan: my florida girl......my natural blonde with her little ponytail.....when she was growing up her parents definitely put her shirts like this

Lando: she is a racing driver as much as she is an influencer.............people discourse about if shes fanservicing like every 2 seconds. girl gamer and proud.

Oscar: she lives in gym clothes. nike pros or leggings every day with the most boring shirt. never does her hair or wears makeup

KMag: best mom everrrrrrr 🫶

Nico: she talks openly about how men are very intimidated by her. she is indeed kind of scary.

[seahagart]

What are Drifa's first opinions of the companions before she gets to know them?

Lae'zel: First companion she would meet, immediately understands she's very brave and 'knows what she's doing', respects. As time goes on, I think Drífa's indifference towards her comments/insults would wane, she would ignore it/not understand what she's saying, or would just think she's making a comment like 'you have an ugly large nose' and drifa is like 'you have no nose, see drífa have eyes', then would probably get tired of it, poking the bear, but remain stoic which i think would bother lae'zel more than getting a reaction lolol. Lae'zel hates Drífa... or does she.... :)

Shadowheart: Second companion, small elf girl, anytime shadowheart is like 'i don't wanna talk about it' drífa's like 'aight' and leaves, which is why shadowheart likes her now. Drífa is concerned, a small elf all alone. Feels shes quite small and fragile to be into the things shes talking about, but whatever. literally has no idea who shar is so is like 'cool goddess, i respect your faith' because drifa also follows a rather fierce goddess. Drifa prefers to listen over talking, so they get along well. shadowheart is desperately trying to smash rn

Gale: Pulled this weirdo out of a rock, a malnourished human, appears sickly. Drífa is confused by most of what he says, but he is rather poetic so she enjoys the 'nonsense' he talks about. Now she has 3 main landers to take care of. Gale talks way too much, but it is entertaining to her. She does not like that he believes he could compete with a goddess.... the gods are gods for a reason, to think you could understand their meaning, or be equal to one is conceited to her. She understands it's because of 'love', but she is weary. Gale is trying to smash now in my play through.

Astarion: weird little malnourished elf man. He also talks to much. Drífa has two talkative dramatic tiny boys and two ladies that hate each other so she's kinda remembering why she lived in isolation for 35 years. Astarion she probably views like a cat, like seeks attention when he wants it, eats what he wants, believes he's the best one here. She is not afraid of him being a vampire because she simply would never let an elf fell her, that would be a true dishonor. he's mildly offended. She doesn't tolerate his dislike of children, but typically doesn't really care what he does.

Wyll: Another little guy with sad eyes. Another human. Drifa likes him, he's polite, seems to know what he's doing, seems 'the most normal' plus has seen his share of battle (like lae'zel) so she's glad to have him along. Obviously when things go down she's like 'wow... yet another guy with baggage with a blue lady...' side eying gale. She likes his stories, listens intently to his deeds of good and protecting the sword coast, overall likes him but is still like 'here is another small human- oops small devil for my collection'

Karlach: Finally someone who looks like they're a warrior. Likes her, feels like she doesn't need to protect/take care of, which is good so she can focus her energies on the softies of the party. Drífa would like Karlach, she's a bit blunt and a bit more energetic than Drífa is used to, but probably likes that. Karlach's dancing, lust for life, and fire would be highly approved. I think Drífa wouldn't really get why she's sad about not being touched

Halsin: another gd ELF, but this ones big and can turn into a bear so thats ok. I think they'd have a lot in common but Drífa views him more as a tree hugger. She appreciates nature, so i think they could get along well.... though she finds him confusing... she doesn't feel like she needs to worry about him, and he's pretty forward and upfront so it works out well.

There are all first impressions. Drífa was raised to take care of herself and herself only, keep to her own, and that strength = power, because her lifestyle is very physically demanding. Being big and strong is important, being fat and strong is more important to survive frozen winters etc. She is a loner suddenly surrounded by people for the first time in her life, and is doing her best to keep them alive because obviously they need her help and this is a mission given to her by her goddess, why else would she have sent the ship to take her, to bring her to these people...

[withered--s0uls]

OKAY, I think I'm done for now.

@electrozeistyking and I a little while ago talked about how GD!N would react to DAS!Cyn. They went on about in a reblog but basically he would be extremely happy bc DAS!Cyn is a separate entity to the Absolute Solver, therefore meaning she's not the one behind everything.

So at first they probably both would be extremely happy. DAS!Cyn in her own AU upon meeting N first is absolutely terrified that he might hate her after everything the AS made her do. So the fact GD!N would react very positively to her presence would be a huge a relief to her.

Now, the issue is that the "Dormant" in "Dormant" Absolute Solver is in quotations for a reason. It simply lost interest in her as a main host / had no need for her anymore. It still has admin rights over DAS!Cyn and she still has a Solver Form. Though she doesn't use it by choice bc of PTSD triggers (until possibly a specific point in Ep7 but I'm waiting for ep8 to decide).

So yeah I think that would make both GD!N and DAS!Cyn kinda anxious to put it lightly.

(More Art and stuff under cut because this crossover has been living RENT FREE IN MY HEAD)

Also fun fact

@electrozeistyking has mentioned and shown Beanie finding comfort in the sound of her fathers core.

Well funny story.

DAS!Cyn always was comforted by her brothers core back at the manor, when they first reuite at the start of Ep6 and she sees DAS!Uzi summon her Solver wings and tail, her instinct is pressing closer to DAS!Ns chest for comfort. Her memories of the Solver features are very very blurry, but she is triggered by seeing them regardless.

I thought It was cute the girls have that in common, so I decided to draw them and GD!N sleeping with the girls having their heads close to his core :3

OKAY FINALLY WE GET TO THE DOODLE PAGE

I didn't feel like fully making these so they're sketchy doodles :"

The first two are based on Zeisty saying GD!N would probably pick DAS!Cyn up and spin her around. Also you probably noticed between this doodle, the first drawing & the Tiny!N & DAS crossover post, but DAS!Cyn displays flowers on her visor to emote happiness!

The 3rd and 4th are just random interactions between the kiddos lol. I feel like Beanie probably would be happy to have another Auntie, not to mention one closer to her age so they can do silly kid stuff together. DAS!Cyn... oh boy

She would feel a whole range of emotions; grief about missing so much of her brothers life (like he has a kid ffs), guilt and self blame after finding out what happened to Uzi (she blames herself for everything the AS caused, even tho she never agreed to it) which might end up in a "slight" breakdown, anger at the AS for causing GD!N that kind of pain and eventually once she processed all those emotions she probably would be excited to get to know Beanie. Like!! Imagine finding out you have a little Niece!!

She probably would struggle to easily keep up with Beanie bc she still has motor issues like in canonverse so she's a little slower, so it'd be mostly her trying not to fall over her own feet whilst being dragged around by an excited toddler who probably even with child lock is stronger than her lmao.

Also I drew DAS!Cyn in an alternate outfit bc I wanted to actually kinda show the oil reserve canister,,,

Ok wanting to respond to the hashtags specifically bc :)) yay

Also ig this is some DAS lore fact drops lol

Yeah, DAS!Cyn kinda didn't take it well either when she first realized the AS technically can still take over if it really wanted to after she transferred bodies in an attempt to escape. Imagine getting your core nearly crushed in an attempt to flee from robo satan just to find out entity STILL can use you for their bidding. Like!!! Damn that's not fair the kid nearly fucking died trying to break free!!!

DAS!Cyn definitely would want to spare Beanie the horrors too. DAS!Cyn herself is mentally like 7-10/11 at best 6-9 at worst -- despite kids usually just saying whatever comes to mind, she repressed most AS related stuff for a reason, she definitely wouldn't share what she knows with her newfound niece

I feel things would be either super great and happy or super traumatizing depending on when in the timeline we throw DAS!Cyn at them. If she's there during ep 6-7? Oh boy. Oh no. DAS!Cyn & DAS!N have an exchange during Ep7 that would not go over so well if it was GD!N in DAS!Ns place, because it would be awfully similar to GD!Uzis death -- she doesn't die, because DAS!N can't get himself to shoot with her being so close to the AS, despite her literally shouting at him to do it and that she won't be angry, that'll be fine. -- yeah I don't think GD!N would handle that well 😭 Zeisty feel free to get the angst train rolling if you wanna add your two cents on how that'd go over -- any point before that? Probably fine. Post S1? I'd imagine also fine depending on what Ep8 throws at us (except like... look at ideas list for more info*)

I'll assume that'd be Beanie reacting to seeing DAS!Cyn having the Solver tail and possibly the glitching Solver symbol in her visor. Yeah she definitely would try to play it off and go try and hide somewhere until she can get it under control again. High stress or negative emotions causes her Solver to act up (unrelated to the AS, just her own Solver form without the entity controlling anything!!) So what I said above to her reaction to the news of GD!Uzi being dead? And possibly finding out the reason why? Yeah that might trigger her tail and wings to pop out and her to basically be reduced to a hyperventilating ball on the floor because of proceeding to blame herself for all of GD!Ns suffering due to thinking the AS actions & it being a danger are her fault

Other things I kinda wanted to doodle but didn't for now, might do at a later point;

Cyn still has a Solver Core, which is the same as a DD core (except smaller lol). So I was playing with the idea of Beanie noticing that her core sounds different from GD!Ns due to hers being severely damaged and actively leaking after the AS attempted to crush it during the body transfer. DAS!Cyn then trying to play it off

Some kind of acknowledgement of the Oil reserve canister on DAS!Cyns back, it was made by Tessa before the AS did the medurder and stuff. It's supposed to help keep the Solver in check by preventing overheating, hence why its directly connected to her chest where her core is

There was something else but it slipped my mind

Smth I'm not gonna say publicly for now until Zeisty posts something about it and/or eventually posts the chapters bc I don't want to spoil esp not bc it isn't my place to :" (if you're curious, Zeisty, lmk I can tell you in VC or DMs lol) but it partly would possibly be related to the 1st idea listed

* I have an idea for what happens to Cyns original body (the one the AS uses & that wears Tessa) post Ep8 IF Ep8 let's me do it that is. I think it could be fun to crossover that idea bc of GD!Ns ghost sight.... tho it definitely also would be fucking stressful and trauma inducing bc Solver stuff sooo yeah rip (again, if you want I could elaborate in vc or DMs on this bc I want to first wait and see what the season finale brings before I do anything "official" with this)

GD!N reacting to the information that DAS!Cyn canonly shot "Tessas" gun at the AS (well technically at its tentacles. Point being that kid fired a gun/knows how to use one) -- which again could be very interesting if we were to toss them into the same Ep7 bc that's when she does it

Possibly GD!N finding out ab the scars/cracks surrounding DAS!Cyns core bc,,, yeah

Anyways uuuhh heightbsheet bc I'm 99% sure I drew stuff inaccurate

These were actually so fun to draw and think & talk about. I'll post the GD x IC crossover once I'm done with that (yes, yes there is more than what you already saw Zeisty. Not much more but more nonetheless)

[gizkasparadise]

2023 wrapped: cdrama edition!

taking a page from @dangermousie and doing an overview of all the cdramas i watched this year (i'll do one for kdramas later)! listed in order of least favorite to most favorite. favorite =/= objectively best/most well-made. just the ones i had the most fun watching.

15 have a crush on you. oh dear lord. this drama should be a case study for what happens when a bad drama has charismatic actors and they keep you trapped hostage. i watched this whole damn thing hating every minute of it on behalf of the poor female lead who definitely deserved better. the ending? absolutely batshit, and not in a fun way. one of the weirdest, worst endings ive seen since with you

14 back from the brink. too kitschy for me, i didn't last long on this one (i think 2 eps lol).

13 gone with the rain. i wanted to like this one because i love sean sun and troll general is exactly what i want out of life. but i didn't like the weird daydream asides, constant animal noise sound effects, and i found everyone kind of off-putting in a non-watchable way, so i peaced out really quick--ep 4ish

12 here we meet again. i love janice wu. i continue to try out her dramas hoping for something to grab me again. this one was pretty boring/too focused on the work element and not the rest of it.

11 exclusive fairytale. i have a secret weakness for youth-to-working-life dramas, so tried this one out. flat, not a lot of chemistry, and very color-by-numbers. the show was clearly made to vehicle jun, and that's okay, but not my thing

10 the starry love. i wanted to like this one because the side characters were fun and i loved the male lead/prince of heaven and all his awkward "please leave by 9" energy. but it bored me overall and unlike most folks i had no interest in the demon secondary ship. i dropped around ep 10

9 my journey to you. it kills me to rank this one so low because it was my most anticipated cdrama this year, but i just couldn't get into it. the pacing was too slow for me, and i couldn't stand how everyone talked to each other (long. pauses. and then. staring. and then. whispers. always the. whispers). i dropped this around midway

8 the love you give me. the chemistry between the leads was cute and it was a decent modern romance. started losing me around the midpoint when the paternity reveal hit and the ML got way into boundary crossing because of it

7 circle of love. objectively not a good drama. in fact, a toxic and batshit drama that has probably made me a worse person for watching it. but gd did my messy ass enjoy the trainwreck.

6 road home. you really got to be in the mood for this one, but it's a nice, understated and slow melo romance. but def not a bingeable show since it takes its time with everything

5 wonderland of love. another drama that i dont think is objectively great, but two competent schemers/martial artists trying to one-up each other is like ship catnip for me and this was a show that lived or died by its ship. surprisingly tame for the screenwriter, and had a happy ending! popcorn watch.

4 till the end of the moon. me and this drama were in a bad romance, which i suppose is thematically appropriate. i hated parts of it, i was super invested in others. the post-dream human arc was giving wuthering heights tragic obsession incredibleness. even with its flaws, i think most of cdramaland is in agreement that lyx/tantai jin stole the ML competition this year. great gowns, beautiful gowns

3 story of kunning palace. i adored the characters in this drama! even when the plot was losing my interest, everyone was cast so well and had so much charisma that i stayed pretty hooked from ep 10ish on. absolutely loved the mean high school theatre director wreck that was xie wei, as well as the other (imo) true love interest of the show, princess leyang. the desperate speech about being like iron is gonna live rent-free in my head

& then 1&2 are way ahead of the others for me this year/a very close race between them!

2 a journey to love. i love this drama so much!!! i have not skipped or speed watched a single scene which for me is a huge feat! great character work across the board -- even the side characters have a lot of nuance and interesting dynamics between them. beautiful fight scenes. great ost. one of the best, most balanced main couples ive seen in a show. it's gonna break my heart in a few eps when it ends, but i'll be happy about it

1 lost you forever (s1). this drama came out of NOWHERE and the vicegrip it had on me while it was airing!!! my favorite FL this year (although a journey to love's ruyi is a close second), and just a ton of fun while also being quietly devastating in parts. i loved how lived in and tired the FL felt, enjoyed the various flavors of mess from her love interests, and enjoyed how extra it could go while still giving us really grounded and complicated characters. this drama gets extra points for converting me on several actors i did not think that highly of before the show.

overall, despite how many i dropped (lol writing it out made me realize i dropped so, so many), cdramas delivered for me this year! my top two are on my short list for favorite dramas, period. everyone go watch a journey to love and lost you forever if you havent yet!!!

AWARDS

Favorite ship: definitely goes to ruyi and yuanzhou from a journey to love. it's just nice to see a couple that mutually supports each other's murders

Favorite FL: xiaoyao from lost you forever with ruyi from journey to love as a very close runner-up. i am here for this year's theme of competent, jaded ladies trying to reclaim their lives

Favorite ML: objectively, tantai jin from till the end of the moon should win this, but story of kunning palace's xie wei was just so entertainingly grumpy, petty, and unhinged which is a winning combo for me.

Favorite 2FL: princess yang ying from a journey to love. she's doing amazing and im proud of her!!

Favorite 2ML: technically third male lead, but xiang liu from lost you forever was my favorite to watch and had the best tuxedo mask exits

Best Cast: a journey to love, i literally adore all of them, even the ones i hate

Best Blood Cough: tantai jin, you beautiful bastard who needs a bib

[suzukiblu]

thinking about mating-cycle kon again, and specifically this part…

So like, desperately horny needy-feeling and touch-starved Kon who can NOT figure out why he's so gd fixated on Tim to the point that he can't even get it up for anyone else despite being, again, Desperately Horny?

thinking about what if it happened earlier on, back before he figured anything out relating to his sexuality. thinking about what if it happened when he was fresh out of dating tana, when he was still fresh in the guilt of her death. thinking about what if he’s forced into all of these complicated feelings about his sexuality and his past relationships and his best friend. all while he’s stuck so horny he can barely think of anything else.

Ohhhhh yeah, Kon just like "well this is the most fucked-up expression of grief I've ever experienced and also what the fuck am I actually gay and why am I actually gay for TIM??"

Is this a human teammate thing? Is he just worried about their token human teammate who doesn't have powers? Well that's shitty of him, except Tana was just--she died from something that wouldn't even have SINGED him or Cassie, that Bart could've vibrated right out of, that Anita or Suzie could've DISAPPEARED right out of, and--and--

And Tim could've died like that too, and left nothing behind but a burned body that couldn't even be given an open casket funeral. And . . .

And Kon just wants--he wants that not to happen. He wants Tim to continue on, to live a long and good life, to make a difference in the world and get to leave behind something that MATTERS. He wants Tim to be remembered, and he wants to be PART of why Tim is remembered, and . . .

Seriously, what the FUCK kind of weird fucked-up sex fantasies ARE THESE, thinks frustrated didn't-get-Kryptonian-sex-ed Kon as he buries his face in his pillow in a halfhearted attempt to smother himself and DESPERATELY tries to ignore his increasingly insistent morning wood and how bad it wants him to go get specifically TIM to take care of it.

[v-era-18]

HoneyBee

Chapter Seven: Sleep Talk

“ Even the best of hero’s have nightmares. It's how they conquer them, that makes them worthy enough for the title,”- (G/D) (L/n)

7

Energon. Screams. Blasts. Falling!

The young brown skinned girl woke up with a start, tears flooded her honey eyes as she stared at the dark depths of her room. The twist and turns of the shadows didn't make things better as she could still hear and see the war terrorist from her nightmares; the red glowing optics to the angler metal of his faceplate. His whole design screamed ‘fear me’. Her grandfather went a little too into detail when telling her the story, he stopped shortly after she started to shy away underneath the covers. It was too real. 

(Y/n) could almost vividly see the metal sword in her hands, swish and flick of her tail in her peripherals as the autobot leader gave orders to the autobots for their mission. It was everything she could imagine, fighting alongside hero’s for their planet. That was until everything they had accomplished was stripped from their arms within a few minutes. Scouts turned up missing, wreckers removing themselves from the fight as lost hope began to emerge, don't even get her started on the captains and sargents. 

She wanted to be that hero that would earn the words ‘well done’ by a Prime. In the end, she was a fool. A child that didn't know any better. 

She almost died, she could still feel her weightless body flowing through the air nearly hitting the metal ground below. It was horrible the sights she had seen; torn metal appendages, energon spilled-dried and fresh, to the lifeless cybertronian bodies laid in vast piles. These were the parts of war she had nightmares about-the cost of the auto bot cause, millions of lives and deaths thrown away for a planet that might not ever be the same way again. 

She needed to leave the dark. She didn’t want to think of those red optics scratching down her small form. 

(Y/n) got out from under the covers with space cadet number five-her teddy bear- and made the decision to seek out her grandparents in their room. It had been awhile since she’s done so, after all she was twelve now and needed to stop relying on her grandparents for these sort of things such as comfort. But the grave voice of that monster continued to echo in her head. 

‘Run little knight! But your death awaits today!’

 The master bedroom was at the end of the hall. It had a large bookshelf in the far corner along with a desk littered with papers that were no doubt the affairs of the (L/n) library. The walls were pure ivory. ‘We leave the walls white like a canvas ready to be painted.’ The bed was a carved one-antique- harboring the foreign language not made for the human youngest. She never could figure out what it said, Nana said she would be told when she was older. 

The door to they’re bedroom was already open, on the other side she could hear their voices halting her movements. Her grandmother was upset, her voice rolling out in hisses she used in order not to wake her up when they were arguing. (GD/N) sat on the bed rubbing his head in frustration, his hair was long gone by now, only his beard and eyebrows left. 

“I can’t believe you’re going through with this!” Nana said, she was pacing back and forth her clasped hands over her heart. One thing about her grandmother is that her emotions affect her heart severely due to her age: one day something was going to give her a heart attack out of pure fright, “there’s an opportunity for you to live longer and you won’t take it-“ 

“I’ll live for a few more years with the treatment, but love-I’ve already lived a life worth living,” his mind was made up, he wasn’t going to sit by and invest money in a treatment to give himself a few more years, “You could use that money to put (Y/n) through college-“ 

“What about her?! You care enough about her education but not enough about her heart when she hears about your health?!” She sobbed, “She’s already lost her parents! Not to mention Estel who she can’t even remember. She can’t afford to lose someone else!”

“(GM/N) I-“

A creak of the door halted the two’s conversation, immediately looking towards the opened door seeing a stray teddy bear in its place. (GD/N) could hear the creak of another closing door at the end of the hall, giving them the answer to his suspicions. 

(Y/n) was never good at pretending to fall asleep, especially when she was in trouble, or her mind continued to be active with endless possibilities. So when her grandfather sat on the end of her bed she decided to give it up and peek under the covers slightly. 

The older man before her doesn't seem upset in the slightest, only a sad look in his eyes and a patient smile upon his lips. She opened her mouth to apologize for eavesdropping only for him to cut her off, “I'm sorry to wake you up sweetheart. That wasn't something you needed to hear-especially on a school night.” He fondled her teddy bear in his hands a bit before passing it over. 

She gave it a little hug in response, “You didn't wake me up pops, i-it was him,” saying his name almost felt like a sin. A ‘he who shall not be named’ vibe with how much evil radiated off of him. 

(G/D) brought the girl into his arms and kissed her forehead softly, it felt almost bittersweet with how much she had heard. She wasn't oblivious to what was going on; the less frequent stories at night, how tired he had grown so much he would miss out on dinner sometimes, to the way he had to force a smile after each cough. She knew her grandfather wasn't well, but just for a moment she didn't want to discuss it, she wanted to live a bit oblivious a little bit longer. 

Oblivious to the fact he one day wouldn't be here to tell her every story known to man. Her original storyteller. 

“He will not harm you,” He whispered in her hair, “he is far enough from your reach.” 

“Because he's eroding on some planet somewhere right pop pop?” (Y/n) smiled a bit expecting him to do the same only to receive a faltering smile instead. Her expression fell, and a sense of dread filled her stomach, “He is far away from earth right Pops? He is simply a legend…..fiction-,”

“I have told you many times (Y/n). Legends stem from some form of truth, whether it simply be stories altered over time or something the human mind simply can't comprehend.” (G/D) looked towards the bookshelves in her room, eyes landing on the leather books, “I at times couldn't comprehend, neither could my subconscious mind. But there at times would be a voice or two in my corner ready to prove and relay the message before it indeed became that in my mind-a story-fiction.” 

The young girls lips wobbled, “So he's going to come kill us all one day, and there's nothing I can do about it,” fat tears fell down her round cheeks as she furiously wiped them away, “How can I be a hero when all I do is have nightmares about that-that-stupid and selfish warlord and hide underneath the covers at the mention of him?” 

 “You are already beginning to act like a hero,” (GD/N) chuckled. His amusement to her augment fueled her frustration. Out of all the books she’s read it was hard to believe that cybertronian hero’s got scared, or were haunted by their terror. Could they even dream? When they recharge do they imagine what peace seems like? The families they could have and more? 

“No I'm not!” She argued, “A hero doesn't get scared! Optimus doesn't get scared! The book never once mentioned him getting scared or having nightmares!” 

“Ah,” He laughed, “That is indeed true, the book never mentions the Prime getting scared, but that doesn't mean he doesn't get scared like the rest of us. On the contrary, I bet every time he went on that battlefield his spark was pounding to the point he could barely give orders to his comrades. Lives are in his servos each time he goes on the battlefield-and that is indeed scary…especially if his most trusted friend is now his enemy, because he lost his way.” 

(G/D) grabbed the young girl's chin and held it high, “Even the best of hero’s have nightmares. It's how they conquer them, that makes them worthy enough for the title,” 

If he was going to leave, he was going to make sure she achieved this dream at least. Afterall, if things were to go down the way their family all knew, she would be the main successor out of all of them. The main hero of planet earth.

~ ✯ ~

The group made haste through the facility guiding the large cybertronian towards the Cube. Every second counted in this situation, there was no time for mistakes. It could be felt through the air: the tight tension of who was to die today and who could be saved. 

They made a mistake, and it was time to fix it. 

When they reached the room the cube was being held it took (Y/n) a minute to steady her breathing. Her eyes had gazed at it not even forty minutes ago from a safe distance, now that she was up close all the stories and legends told didn’t do it justice. The large encrypted block raided power. 

Life. 

Destruction. 

Sam dragged her out of her gaze by pulling on her sleeve guiding her to the side as large ped steps got closer. It was grounding, as if the bots' near presence was a shield from everything going on. They were his charge, no harm was going to befall them. 

The scout looked up at the cube for a minute before reaching up and placing his hands against it. Whirrs of wonder echoed from the young bot, leaving her to question if  he knew what to do in order for them to leave with it. It was huge! Too large to even drag it out of the building with five autobots to join in the haul. For a moment and just a moment, she did wonder if the pyramid were all cubes, the other half buried underneath the ground. It was ridiculous, colonizers couldn't break through cybertronian tech as well as they could rock. 

“Does he know what he’s doing?” Mikeala whispered to (Y/n).

“Of course he does,” she replied without hesitation, “he’s smarter than he lets you know.” 

Optics flickered to her for a moment sending chills down her spine. She hadn't realized he could hear them whispering, and hot shame boiled in her stomach as if she did something scandalous. She would have to at least write that down somewhere that autobout have advanced hearing. 

Bumblebee focused back on the cube placing his digits back up on it before an electric shock of blue consumed the cube. A metallic whirring could be heard along with the familiar shifting of metal as the artifact started to fold in on itself seeming to get smaller. He moved his hands in focus, seeming to instruct the cube what and how he wanted things to be done. 

The humans in the room could do nothing but watch in sheer amazement. After centuries and years of believing they knew everything only to find out they didn’t even have half of it was truly shocking. 

“Oh, my god,” Mikeala said, “(Y/n) this is-“ 

“More than I’ve ever dreamed of,” (Y/n) smiled, her hands were shaking at her side, tears welling up from too many emotions taking over, “Pops….I wish you could see this.” 

The cube finally shrunk down to the palm of the bot's hand, giving his digit a little shock as he examined it a little. He then turned to (Y/n), “Message from Starfleet, Captain. Let’s get to it.” 

“He’s right.” Lennoxx stepped forward, “We stay here, we’re screwed with Megatron in the other hangar. Mission City is twenty two miles away. We’re gonna sneak that Cube out of here and we’re gonna hide it somewhere in the city.” 

“Good! Right.” It seemed like a miracle that Simmons was agreeing with them. I guess the cube being handled by the robot was enough for them. 

“But we cannot make a stand without the Air Force.” 

“This place must have some kind of radio link?!” Questioned the Captain, “Shortwave, CB?”

“Yes. Right, yes!” Simmons said, “in the Aline Archive, there’s an old Army radio console.” 

“Will it work?”

“Anything is possible!” the agent exclaimed, gesturing towards Bumblebee and where the cube once was mounted. “Did you see that?!” 

“Sir, you got to figure out some way to get the word out to them.” The soldier said, he turned towards (y/n) her face apprehensive, “are there any problems with my plan? You know these guys better than we do.” 

Everyone turned to the girl expectantly, and it left her stomach doing twists. For some odd reason she looked up at Bumblebee, maybe hoping for an answer of his own. The only thing she received was a soft whirr and a nod. It didn’t need words, she knew what he was trying to say. 

“ U-uh, so there’s only two problems-,” 

“ Two?” Epps asked, “to be honest I was expecting more.” 

(Y/n) laughed lightly trying to shake her nerves, “ Yeah well we don’t really have time to go in with a full hardcore plan right now. If we’re going into this we must understand the risks. First ,” she turned to the Captain and Simmons , “Be prepared to barricade the room for the radio, if I know anything about autobots and deceptions is that they can easily tap into satellites-that especially counts towards radios and internet. A decepticon might be sent loose in the facility to try to stop you.” 

“Jesus,” Sam whispers. 

“Second, about the cube being hidden in the city, I don't agree with it but we don’t have other options at the moment.” The girl huffed, “while on the radio with the men send out an emergency alert to order civilians to exit the city. War with cybertronians  is nothing compared to war between humans. Thousands of people will die in this city if we are not careful. Am I clear?” 

Everyone nodded, “ Good. That uh-was my peace.” 

Mikaela smirked, “there’s the girl I got the hots for in the back of the class.” The girl missed the way the black and yellow bot snapped his head in her direction before an optic roll seemed appropriate. 

To be honest now wasn't the time for emotions to flow. 

Sam refrained from making a face, “ Let’s move before Megatron decides to use our bodies for target practice.” 

“ He actually has done that with a soldier that betrayed him before-”

“ (Y/n) not now! ” 

“ Alright Sam, (Y/n) get in the car! ” Lennoxx ordered, “ Mr. Secretary! Get our birds in the air! When we get to the city, we’re gonna find a radio, and I’ll have Epps vector them in, okay? ” 

“Affirmative!” 

Sam ushered into the passenger side seat with (Y/n) in the driver. Mikeala took it upon herself to protect the cube in the back. Personally (Y/n) would’ve done the job herself but a soldier had already shoved her in the driver's seat before she could protest. Bumblebee drove the facility with the soldiers on the rims of his tires. The exit seemed so far with the short amount of time they were making it through. 

“ WARNING! NBE ONE CRYO-CONTAINMENT FAILING. ”

(Y/n)’s heart stopped, “ What the fuck did that just say?! ” 

“ Oh boy, ” Sam uttered, “ Better get ready to haul ass Bee! ” 

“ Haul ass?! He better drive like he got some sense! Cause I’ll be damned if I die at the hands of that terrorist you hear me! ” 

A rumble of the engine from Bumblebee could mean two things: a scoff or a boisterous laugh. Now wasn’t the time to figure out which was which. 

“Set a perimeter around the yellow vehicle!” Lennox shouted. 

For support (Y/n) gripped the steering wheel trying to focus on the autobot insignia on the horn rather than the loud screams bouncing off the concrete walls. They successfully excited the facility with support ,they still weren’t out of the woods yet. They needed to reach the city to hide the cube or possibly had it off to Optimus. And Mission City was a few miles from their grasp. 

“The cubes okay?” Sam asked Mikeala

“Yeah, it’s fine,” She said, adjusting it in the seat. 

“Put the seatbelt around it” (Y/n) said quickly, “the less it moves the better” 

Even though it was minutes it felt like ages before they got far enough to feel safe for a moment. Even safe enough to quietly talk amongst themselves as teens if they would never do it again. 

“And here I thought I was going to go shopping this weekend for graduation.” Mikeala sniffed, “I’m the first to graduate high school in my family. It’s a big achievement and I wanted to look good when showing my potential future kids.” 

“I was going to write a Harry Potter quote on my cap with our grad year.” (Y/n) laughed lightly. It was true, originally it was going to be Star Wars, but she decided that the many hormonal boys in their grade would’ve bashed her. A girl loving something ‘sacred’ to them didn't seem on their wish list. 

Sam chuckled lightly as well, “lemme guess, ‘RONALD WHEALSLY HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!’” the scream almost seemed like perfection at the moment, 

They bursted out in laughter. The only real time they’ve laughed without stress behind it. Bumblebee even let out a little rumble. 

“No, it was ‘Whenever in doubt, go to the library’” The girl giggled. 

Mikeala smiled, “ It suits you.” It did, the library was attached to her family in more ways than one. It was her livelihood, almost like Banes Motorcycle shop was to her. “But honestly now you need to change it to ‘I saved the world I deserve more than this piece of paper.’” 

There was a moment of silence before it was abruptly cut through with a blade of a truck horn. Seeing the familiar vehicle made the girl smile in triumph, it seemed like things were turning around with the reunion. 

“There’s Optimus,” Sam announced.

The teens watched the autobot leader along with his team screech their tiers against the ground in a sharp turn before following them quickly behind. (Y/n) knew deep down the autobots we’re glad to see Bumblebee alright once more. Their scout had survived, although young, Bumblebee is a lot tougher than one could describe. But she had a feeling they knew that already, they had watched him come or of hard situations before right? 

It was another few miles before they heard it. Sirens. At first (Y/n) had thought their plan of getting in touch with the government worked pretty quickly, that was until she spotted the military truck and  behind it. It was a domino effect; two of the drivers surrounding them were taken out swiftly with the truck crashing and flipping them over. 

The girl could only sit in the seat and stare her eyes widening as she stared at the side mirror. Abruptly she was yanked back further in her seat by the seat belt and the windows were rolled up completely. 

“Are they-are they-“ she couldn’t finish. 

“No no no no no no,” Sam said, watching the rearview. 

“What?” Mikeala asked. 

“It’s the same cop!” Sam hissed, “the one that attacked me and (Y/n) before. Block ‘em, block em, block em, block em!” 

The military truck transformed first on the road, the ground shaking abruptly behind them as a fierce roar was let out from the decepticon. The enemy's enthusiasm was short lived as the autobot leader followed suit, making it his mission to be the defense as they continued forward. (Y/n) yanked a bit on the seat showing the scout she wished to see the action a bit more. 

A Prime in action wasn’t something you see everyday. 

A look in the side mirror led her heart to accelerate. The decepticon had skated purposefully into a civilian bus on the highway, the flames rode on the road watching fellow cars skid to a halt at the destruction the cybertronian had caused. Optimus unfortunately was a bit too late turning around, Sam let out a yelp as the autobot leader was tackled off of the skying road to the ones on the ground below. 

(Y/n) snapped off the seatbelt with a new rush of adrenaline and rushed to Sam's side of the vehicle to see the fight below. A car was just a sliver away from the fight and she could only pray that the civilians inside wouldn’t be harmed. Optimus was the first to throw a strong hook into the cons faceplate then taking them further down to another level of the roads. 

To see the Prime handle his adversary with determination and sheer strength was breathtaking. His sword’s protruding from his servos where nothing like she imagined. Were they hot or cold? They were a fiery yellow gradient to orange, and to see the damage they caused to the decepticon was chilling. The leader landed one final blow stabbing upwards through the enemies neck cabling, sparks flew everywhere before a snap sounded and the cons head rolled along the ground. 

“Wow…” a breath left the Afro hairs lips, “ And that was only one decepticon. What was it like when he invaded bases with only three comrades by his side.” 

Sam shook his head, “I dunno if I want to imagine that. Did you see what he just did?” 

“I am so glad we got in this car.” Mikeala whispered. 

A sliver of a memory of her grandfather warped in her mind. The comfort of his arms to the gentle peck on her forehead, “ Even Optimus gets scared,” 

“I wonder how scared he is right now.” (Y/n) thought carefully, “my hands are shaking with the whole world in our hands. Imagine thinking of his world and protecting ours as well. His home is lost and he’s protecting ours from the thing that can possibly give them another planet.” 

Sam and Mikeala both looked at each other, their eyes speaking for themselves without words. 

Exactly what did they get themselves into? And what will be the cost if either side wins? 

Upon arriving at Mission City, (Y/n)’s whole mood shifted. Uncertainty took over as she scanned the roads crowned by fleeing civilians and cars left along the roads. It was a reminder of how much was at stake. To think just staring at one road filled with people makes you think about the whole world; about classrooms, children, families, friends, even enemies. 

Cause at the end of the day if this doesn’t work. They’ll all be damned. 

The aircraft’s above reassured her that they indeed had taken her advice. Simmons and the others had made it out long enough to send a message out. Even though she didn’t like him-doesn't mean she can’t respect his bravery and service. 

Sam pulled his best friend out of the car along with Mikeala. The cube rested in the backseat making the girl nervous; to be honest she felt like it needed to be held at all times. She had a feeling that if she looked away long enough it would disappear and all their efforts would be for naught. Even with all the heavy duty surrounding them in the street she still felt too exposed. 

“Green smoke is the mark. Provide air cover and vector Black Hawks for extraction.” Epps ordered. 

A thunderous aircraft circled a building, flying recklessly to be there. (Y/n) broke off from Sam peering closely before it dawned on her. To think that there wasn’t going to be any hacking with the transmissions between other aircraft was foolish-and she even forgot about it for a moment- and she was the one who had warned them about it. Through her most recent books of studies there were only a few aircraft’s recorded decepticons. And only two really mattered. 

The Terrorist. And his Second Command. 

The tales she had heard about Starscream made her laugh and grow frustrated. To think that one of the most dangerous decepticons was a coward and the most brutal was very contradictory. One that really stuck with her was the battle he had with three scouts, apparently there was only one that was able to outsmart Starscream and escape. It had led the commander to grow more hostile to scouts and lower ranks of the autobot cause as a result. 

He had learned his lesson that ranks don't matter on the battlefield. Only wit and sheer determination. 

“Oh shit-” 

“It’s Starscream!” Ironhide announced transforming causing the other autobots to follow. The weapon’s specialist immediately started to get to work on a barrier for protection, “Backup! Take Cover! Bumblebee!” The scout was right behind him picking up a blue truck for a shield. The moment would’ve been something to marvel at however the expending screams ruined it. 

“No,no, no, no, no! Move!” Lennox ordered, he grabbed two other soldiers from their posts gesturing for others to follow suit. It was obvious the aircrafts were not going to be able to defend them against Starscream in time, and now that (Y/n) thought about it was probably for the best.  The fire back from the decepticon would have led to many plane crashes leaving more casualties in the city with the tall buildings. 

“Back up! Back up!” 

“Retreat! Fall back!” But it was futile; the tanks were already in position and all they could do was get out of them. The men stumbled over themselves to get away from the danger before them. Civilians being dragged along the way if they were hiding in nearby alleys and stores. 

(Y/n) grabbed both Mikaela and Sam ducking for cover. Her heart was racing, she made it halfway on the ground before she felt it, the hot sizzling explosion causing the ground to rumble and break before them.  They flew a few feet from impact, blinding them for a few moments. 

“Anybody hurt? Everyone in okay?” Lennox screamed. He helped Mikeala giving her a once over before turning to Sam, “Where’s (Y/n)?!”

The said girl was on her side by a gray vehicle turned upside down. She let out a small whimper before shifting on her back, accidentally hitting her head against metal. At first she thought it was debris from the explosion, possibly from the truck. Until her eyes focused from the fog, seeing the infamous black and yellow signature of a cybertronian ped. 

Only the thing is-it wasn’t attached to its owner. 

[unclefathersantateddy]

what are your thoughts on teddy's relationship with his family and how they were abusive? what about his younger sister?? and his relationship with his ex wife where he was also abused by her 🤔 how do you think these affected his personality and relationships. sorry this is an English essay ass prompt but im genuinely curious lmao i love analyzing family history (obvs)

Light coming in with the big gun from the get-go!!! Hahaha thank you for a great question!!!

So from what we know about Teddy's mom, she's a bit of a Wild Card™. Likes to do what she wants, when she wants, isn't exactly your traditional grandma.

But given the majority of people become docile with age (rather than more adventurous), it stands to reason /why/ she waited until retirement to do all the things she enjoyed? Could that be why her and Teddy's dad always used to argue?

Teddy's age places his parents as either dating or hooking up around the 70s/80s. Assuming they've never left the US, this wasn't exactly a pinnacle time for women's rights.

So we have an oppressive timestamp, a turbulent relationship, and then an extinction burst (Teddy's mom doing ALL her interests in retirement) post-breakup.

These factors together connote that teddy's father may have been restrictive/disapproving of teddy's mother's interests, hobbies, passions - or may be indicative of teddy's father's disdain/nonchalance towards his wife in general. (I'm assuming they were married because 'merica). Which would be an apt representation of Boomer relationships, the whole "can't live with them, can't live without them" (totally healthy /s).

But on the flipside to a potentially controlling father, his mom IS a wild card lol. If she's still up to mad shit in retirement, WHAT was she into in her prime?? Was she Fully Unhinged™? Given her, "muchness" (for lack of better words), it stands to reason it may transfer as "feisty" or "fiery" during arguments with teddy's dad, so whilst his dad may have been authoritarian, his mom may have been inflammatory and antagonistic.

As for his sister GIVE HER SOME GD SCREEN TIME!!!!!!! WHO ARE DANA AND DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna see if she's exactly like Teddy or if she's his antithesis, are they both so interested in learning about the lives of every stranger they meet? That's beautiful bro. I hope so. I both want her to be an almost identical twin to teddy, and to look exactly like her bf Dan (like the Van Houtens in the Simpsons). I think I want Dana to have the spunkiness that teddy lacks. I love the "anxious older sibling, feral younger sibling" dynamics, like what Tina and Louise have. I want an episode where Teddy's in therapy talking to Dr Marjorie about his childhood whilst Dana's out back wrestling a bar fly for his teeth or smn. Same trauma but dealt with in VERY different ways. I need it!!!!!!!!! I deserve this!!!!!!!!! LOL.

Moving onto Denise, FUCK Denise. Fuck any single individual that makes you feel like you have to change your core sense of self in order to feel accepted and/or loved. You KNOW she's that slimy level of manipulative that easily gets her own way in every situation. The type that rarely gets called up but if you call them up everyone else around will take their side. The GOOD manipulators. Real piece of shit types. The type to push you so far into a corner you come out crazy. So crazy noone believes you and they all side with the charismatic one. (These people boil my soul into an angry black jus, I become one of the 4 biles). IIRC we don't even get a full line from her, I'm pretty sure she only says "teddy?" (But please correct me if that's false), but that's still enough to solidify her as a shithouse in my mind. Questioning his name like don't pretend you don't know or recognise him you shitcunt, he gave you so much of his life. Eat a dick.

As negative as all these experiences are, I do think they shaped teddy for the better! I mean, he is a lil anxious and awkward and doesn't have the best self-esteem/confidence. BUT, he's incredibly emotionally intelligent for an old white guy. He's SO full of love, for EVERYONE. Every single person he comes across or meets (as exampled by S12E4 Driving Big Dummy), he fundamentally enjoys experiencing. They're not just people to chat to, they are experiences to be had. They are characters you've never heard of to stories you've never read. His approach to people is polar opposite to how most of us perceive other people, most of us are like Bob, he doesn't /hate/ people, but he doesn't /like/ them either. Teddy DOES like other people, he REALLY likes other people, he put the work into his trauma so it didn't taint the rest of him. I'm not gonna speak on behalf of everyone with PTSD but I know for a lot of us we fester on our trauma and victimise ourselves, often resulting in self- alienation and isolation, teddy shows no sign of that. S8E5 Thanks-Hoarding picks up on teddy being a handyman so he can "fix" his parents relationship (simplifying), but it doesn't address the fact he is CONSTANTLY putting himself out there. Handymen are a word-of-mouth trade, to be a successful handyman you HAVE to put yourself out there. To meet new people is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable with PTSD is like a rabbit exposing its belly to an owl yknow? Throughout the entire show we see teddy consistently putting the work in. Into every part of his life, he's making the effort to improve his life. I know healthcare in the US is a privilege that only the capitalists can afford, but it is so refreshing to see an American go to therapy instead of just complaining about how much they need therapy lol (no judgment, again I appreciate it's a nigh impossible situation to escape).

Thank you for the incredibly stimulating question, light!! (Sorry if I didn't answer all the questions fully! Will edit or update later!🤍)

[its-all-papaya]

This is truly devastating (I cheered.)

No but genuinely if you do end up writing parent!landoscar I will be your biggest cheerleader. Like oml I am such a sucker for these fics.

I personally adore the fics where they’re still drivers but one of them has a kid. They’ve always got the best mix of angst and softness. But honestly I adored the little blurb you wrote for the kiss prompts so if you end up going off of that I’m sure I’d love it too!

Dad!Lando is a rare gem and I am SAT for it.

- that one anon who talked about dad!Lando earlier lmao

Dad!Lando Anon !!!! welcome back !!!!

i also in theory enjoy the driver/parent combo. i don't think i could do like... irl landoscar circumstances + kid bc i can't imagine bringing a child into the way they exist rn, but i am attracted to the idea of ONE of them being a driver and the other being, like.... adjacent. i was considering this earlier bc i love my kiss prompt situation, but i don't really have a plot in mind for that landoscar outside of that specific scenario. like how did they meet? what else would i even make them do? i invented them for that exact moment and didn't really construct a world for them in my brain... but like. in theory, that oscar could be an f1 driver. and i did think about that earlier while i was at work, and it's cute for a lot of reasons. (i know i just said i didn't invent lore, but the lando from kiss prompt in my brain is a hot little mess, like loves emma SO GD MUCH that he can't stand it and wants to do right by her but like... is also just a scruffy little guy, you know? so like he for sure struggled through her baby years and she for sure loves him so much, but he's not a put-together parent. she's eating store-bought luchables on field trips bc he doesn't have enough forethought to put together a brown bag lunch. her socks probably never match and he learned how to braid so he could do her hair, but most of the time they're running too late in the morning for him to actually do it. but then oscar enters their lives and he's a bit awkward and says he's not good with kids, but his energy is so calm and he naturally just like. diffuses all their energy. combs through emma's hair after her bath and tells her stories about australia while lando scrambles to make her bed in a second flat bc he forgot he threw her sheets in the wash before dinner and never followed up. discusses her numbers and letters with her while lando microwaves instant oatmeal at like 7am. anyway. you see the vision?) i got really off-track, but imagining oscar as the naturally chill "parent" figure while also being extremely intense and dominant on track...delicious. and the first time emma goes to a grand prix she's like absolutely awestruck. oscar is god to her. and lando is like... literally how the fuck are you perfect at every part of your life and i can't even get my daughter to soccer practice on time once ever? anyway. all of that is to say. osc in his racesuit covered in champagne in mclaren hospitality after the podium and everything that goes with it and emma running top-speed across the floor until he swings her into his arms and she's squealing as he kisses her cheeks because "oscar, you were the fastest!" and lando is just. heart exploding. wants to kiss oscar until he can't fucking breathe anymore.

aNYWAY. visit my inbox again soon dad!lando anon ! like in a minute if you want ! i'll yap for another thousand years !

(sorry editing rq bc i realized i could use a max fewtrell mutual friend plot as their introduction in this hypothetical story. unfortunately Drawing Connections.)

[x-neurotoxin-x]

touya’s story is so tragic. he never had any anatomy over his own body, even in death, he’s not allowed to just die on his own terms. he’s being forced to live (if i saw the leaks correctly). from birth, he’s been used by everyone he’s been in contact with and it’s tragic that he’s not seen a person but a monster. the only person who ever saw him as a person was shoto. everyone else saw him as a burden, something to hide away. it sucks that shoto had to “clean up his dad’s mess.” ion exactly blame rei because she was also a victim and i am assuming she was young when she had touya and she could only do so much with her own issues but she still claimed some responsibility and realized that she was also to blame for touya whereas enji threw himself a pity party (i know he’s supposed to be a “complex character” and this is just me bitching but it just feels like they’re trying to make me feel bad for an abuser because now, after he got what he wanted, he’s sorry for abusing his family for 20+ years).

The first couple lines here are so gd true and it's so sad but legit why I like Dabi so much as a character. Like he clearly has agency of his own and made choices to lead him on the path he went down, but he's also such a victim of circumstances and maltreatment by like. Everybody around him. He spent his entire life either being used or ignored by basically every one he came in contact with, in some cases both. And it's all done in such a tragic way. Like, the fact he's spent his whole life just wanting to be recognized and given a positive attention just to end up basically isolated 24/7 outside of a few minutes a day and treated like "a tourist attraction" in his words. That's just so goddamn cruel.

As for the todofam. Overall I do enjoy the story of the family and all of the characters respectfully, it's probably the best part of bnha imo but I don't like a lot of aspects of the characters and the route Hori went for them.

[ashestoashesjc]

Every newlywed should be aware of two things. 

Firstly, anyone calling your wedding the most beautiful ceremony they’ve ever witnessed is as full of it as an aunt complimenting your newborn baby. We know he looks like a canned chicken, sister, you’re not fooling anyone.

And second, expect early on for each additional year of marriage to invite exciting new unsolicited lines of inquiry. 

Year One - Still in your honeymoon phase, eh? That’ll pass. 

Year Two - Where are you two living now? Renting or owning? Because I have a pal who knows the market and he says…

Year Three (to repeat until withered or assumed barren) - Still no kids? 

Now approaching the end of Year Four, Sophie and Ben (still very much into one another, still leasing their apartment in six month stints, and, critically, still childless) had, in many eyes, done marriage bad. 

And, of course, there was that one other thing. 

Currently, while Sophie and Ben were busy making themselves presentable to the outside world, her for a first day aboard the lead team at GD Consulting, him for his managerial turn at the Discount Furniture Coliseum, that one other thing lay sprawled across their bed with one leg dangling over the edge, a thick comforter only barely concealing his indecency. 

Mark rose and stretched with the leisure of a man who answered to no one.

Until around two in the afternoon, that is, when he answered to the temp agency. One of the best parts of the job in his eyes was the flexibility, and Mark was nothing if not flexible. Every now and again you got a gig with a 5 am call time or some laundry list of strict guidelines for an employee to mind, but that paled in comparison to a job like today’s. 

When he walked into the kitchen, Ben was sitting at the breakfast table, steaming mug in hand, hair still glistening raven-like from the shower. His back was to the door. Mark saw this and found himself suddenly overcome with an irresistible urge. 

“Hey!” exclaimed Ben in a start, as Mark’s fingers searched through and mussed his hair, sending droplets sprinkling over the vinyl tablecloth. 

“Hey,” replied Mark, taking up the seat beside him. 

“Not cool, man.” Ben went to work flattening his hair back down. “It takes forever to get this cowlick to sit right.”

Grabbing an apple from the bowl at the center of the table, Mark tossed it in the air. Caught it, tossed it, caught it. Without intending to, Ben’s eyes followed the motion. 

“I dunno,” said Mark. He bit into the apple. A sharp crunch. Juice ran down his lip, down his chin, dripped slowly onto his thigh. “I think it’s cute.”  

Ben gulped. He changed the subject. “You’re still doing the carnival?”

Mark grinned. He had, as a kid, yearned to become a carny. Picking up and moving from one city to the next, your sole responsibility one of providing joy, all the elephant ears a stomach could stomach.

It was a neglected child’s dream. And while the adult he grew into had fewer romantic notions of carny life, the bright, spinning lights, the screaming children, the strong notes of popcorn wafting through the air, still made him smile. 

“Hell yeah I am,” said Mark, glowing. “You and Phee should stop by. Do a date night.”

Ben perked up. “Hey, that’s a pretty good idea.”

“Don’t sound too surprised.”

“It’s just, uh…” said Ben, “wouldn’t that be a little awkward? With you working there?”

Mark hadn’t thought of that. But he couldn’t fathom why it would be. “I get to watch two people I’m crazy about have a good time? Nothing awkward about it.” 

“Nothing awkward about what?” Sophie entered then, hopping, tugging on a shoe, her briefcase tucked under her arm. Ben stood to peck her cheek and pull out a chair, which she gladly accepted. She sat to pull on the other shoe. 

Taking back his own seat, Ben said, “Mark wants us to come to his carnival.”

“Like on a date?” asked Sophie, laying down the gray leather briefcase beside her. 

“Like on a date,” confirmed Mark. 

She looked between the two of them. “Why’s that awkward?”

“That’s what I’m saying,” said Mark. 

“Seriously? You guys have never heard of FOMO?”

“Famous Otters Making Omelets?”

“Filthy Oven Mitt Orgy?”

“Fat Owl Muffin Organization?”

“From Our Miner’s Orifices?”

“Forget I asked,” said Ben. 

[yellowocaballero]

I am politely begging you to recruit Bernadetta in Headstone.

I can’t handle my purple baby being deep fried in 2 different stories…

Headstone is going to be the right story for you :) ! It is a story about a Byleth who tries to save everybody. Bernie absolutely lives her best life in that fic, as does literally everybody. Except Claude, who is nonstop suffering.

Unfortunately, I did feel as if I had to kill off a significant amount of the Black Eagles in Weekenders (sorry, Caspar!) - I needed Byleth's decision to prioritize the BL's survival to have stakes. Byleth chose their safety over their sanity, and she chose their lives over the BE's. Weekenders isn't a story that saves everybody, sadly, but Byleth did do her best.

The surviving Weekenders Black Eagles are Ferdinand, who was badly wounded by Byleth; Linhardt, who surrendered and became a POW quickly; and Dorothea, who Petra spared. They go on to live long lives after the story. Dorothea becomes a travelling opera star and sings in a lot of low-key digs at Fargus lol, Linhardt gets operation paperclipped and mostly spends his life listening to Ferdinand brag about his son and doing his crest research, and Ferdinand becomes the Duke of the Adrestian Territory. He has a son who is a main character in a lot of the future fic. Derrick is constantly going through it, at all times, always.

I debated it, but I did eventually decide that all of the GD made it. Claude becomes King of Almyra and Petra marries one of his half-sisters, successfully besting him in their long battle of wills and ensnaring him legally into the cult. He never marries, but he does adopt a random street urchin and appoints her heir because he thinks it'll be funny. It's fucking hilarious.

[buttacake80]

Gotta ask, you’re a lawyer, social worker, writer, NHL fan who’s been to many many games, you hold two degrees across various fields and universities, etc etc…how did you manage to do it all??? What is your life story??? Genuinely asking bc it is very admirable.

Black girl magic.

Genuinely.

When I was 4, I was sexually abused by a relative, then abused again at 6 by a neighbor. Around that same age, I was called nigger for the first time.

My dad was a military officer. I attended 6 different schools between K-8.

Through my dad, I am Black & Native. Through my mom, I am Black & Irish. My paternal grandfather was the product of rape, so he never knew his Native family. My maternal grandfather was a white Irish-American man who grew up in a sundown and attended lynchings as a young man. We learned about his racist past when my aunt went through his chest and found momentos & photos from the lynchings.

When I was a teenager, this same grandfather developed Alsheimers & would call me nigger, tar-baby, and porch monkey when I went to visit my grandma. Other times, when he didn't recognize me, he would approach me with just in his eyes. He would comb down his blond hair, adjust his clothes, then approach flirtatiously. I would have to avoid his hands.

We called him "Mr. Howard" and not grandpa.

In high school, my parents divorced, and we moved to my mother's hometown, where I befriended Black kids who were members of GD, VL, and LK. I got in trouble for fighting and was suspended and expelled from school activities for a semester.

Within a two year period, I lost 6 classmates to car accidents, including my senior year locker buddy.

In high school, I met a junior hockey player who had a crush on my best friend. He invited us to a game where he got in a fight & knocked a dude's tooth out. Thus, I fell in love with hockey.

I attended a PWI on a merit scholarship. I befriended mostly white girls, so that's how I learned about their inner group dynamics.

Got into law school. Did bad my first year. I never learned how to study. I have an excellent memory, so I would read something and retain it. That worked well in undergrad but not so well in law school. I turned my grades around by my final year, but in that same year, I lost my paternal grandfather and my roommate. My roommate died at her computer. They did multiple autopsies but never determined the cause of death. Marta just exhaled and died.

I was interviewing for a prosecutor role in Chicago when I started to have nightly visits from an old hag. I would be in lecture and have an impulse to jump from my seat and shred my clothes with my nails. I was representing a DV victim in her employment case when I had a panic attack and missed an administrative hearing. That was when I decided not to become an attorney.

After law school, I got a job at Amazon.com during its early days. I was there before the Kindle launched, and Jeff B was in my chain of command. I would get 3am emails from him. Had to leave when I found one of my coworkers sleeping under their desk.

So I moved to Ireland and got another degree. Wrote my dissertation on White Men, then returned to Amazon for a few months before jumping to work in government.

I have worked in the court system. I have been a child welfare social worker. I was hand selected to serve as a discharge social worker, working at an inpatient & FORENSIC hospital where I worked with pedophiles, murderers, and rapists. I was assaulted and left brain-injured by such a person.

I had to relearn how to walk and talk properly. I have lost jobs due to my disability and fought off abusive landlords who tried to evict me when I refused to sleep with him.

I have faced legitimate moments when I thought about ending my life, but I have such a strong desire to live. Tomorrow always brings a new day with new opportunities. I know every hardship & every trauma had only made me stronger.

Thank you for asking.

[icanseethefuture333]

Can you do Gdragon and his drug case? Did he really do drugs? And is he being covered? And who and why? I will be really into it.

G-Dragon's drug trial

So I feel that when GD was young he was living a bold and fast paced lifestyle, I heard "bit off more than he could chew"? There is a lot of clouds present in these cards so I believe there was drugs involved or people getting high surrounding him but I don't necessarily believe he himself was involved with any substance abuse of hard drugs. I know this is a big no no in Korea but at best I could see that GD could of smoked cigarettes or maybe even a blunt. I think he's being persecuted honestly for other people's actions more so his own. I believe he is more covering for someone or feels protective of someone close to him. GD could be or was involved with someone romantically that had a drug problem. I also feel someone's energy that is very apologetic and feels guilty? It feels maternal to me 🤨. So someone he knows did something and which is why GD is the fall guy here... before I get into that I'm gonna finish interpreting these cards. I see GD actually being considered innocent and will win his case. He might have to go through mandatory rehabilitation it seems? Also he will have to seek professional help such as a doctor or therapist. GD isn't going to be canceled either because the public overall has an adoration for him. Older generations though may look down on him though for his actions because this older couple in this card seems disappointed and judgemental. GD will find opportunities elsewhere outside of YG and will have a new creative endeavor that will benefit him in the future.

The mystery person

Soooo 😳 I can't reveal too much about this person (they requested I don't reveal their identity which I will respect) but it is pretty crazy? This person is related to GD because they are his significant other. They could have been a former substance abuser but they have recovered from this and nobody knows. This person has dirt and by dirt I mean dirt. GD's partner knows a lot. I don't know if this is an ex of his or a current partner of his, but they've been around for a long time. This person is connected to a lot of the scandals that has happened in YG. If you think about it, this is the third time a idol from YG that has had a drug scandal, for example, Park Bom was canceled for taking legally prescribed medication for her ADHD and a saesang exposed as well as spread falses rumors about former member B.I of iKON. (Channeled song: Supplier by Kari Faux). I am honestly so overloaded by this information you have no idea 😭. It's way bigger than we ever could even perceive. There is connections upon connections of people involved here. It's like a web (maybe even dark web?!). There is a "source" and by that I mean there is a person who is supplying drugs in the kpop industry to purposely sabotage idols or get them blacklisted from their industry. It's no coincidence that each time YG's artists have been involved in such scandals that he just does not give a fuck about them when the news comes out and leaves his artists to the wolves. It's feels like a trap. It's as if he's telling them "either you stay in this contract or I will ruin your life". Now this person who is GD's possible significant other was formerly in the industry and was in the spotlight, but it was really detrimental to their health and unfortunately dealt with a alot of anguish and suffering. They are at peace now and they feel safe. I geniunely believe this person is his future spouse and they could feel like family to each other. I'm seeing children, babies, and all of those traditional things about love and marriage.

The outcome

This feels like a transformative phase in GD and his partner's life? It's a test of faith and determination to get through this but they truly love each other so I feel like it would work out? I don't believe GD fully has a plan yet on where he will go from here but he's not giving up. His energy feels very strong and secure.

[nonegenderleftpain]

this is maybe very hopeful, but i still find it in me to send an ask, hoping for the best... i hope to not waste too much of your time with this

as someone who is possibly thinking of converting to Judaism, what is the first step?

i know, i should look for a rabbi, for a group, for just... something. to connect me to the culture, but i grew up in an incredibly sheltered household, in a small town, christian, and i still dont have solid income to look out for them far and wide... honestly, I'm kind of afraid that if i dont end up going through with the conversion, I'll just feel guilty for wasting people's time for my own personal gain (as opposed to...... their gain? yeah. its impossible to tell wether that one makes sense)

im pretty sure i have met exactly one Jewish person IRL and that's not a stretch.

so, basically, when im asking for the first step here, what i really mean is, how do i know where the stairs are?

and i dont have a super philosophical reason as to why i even think of converting in the first place. i guess i just need a place where my first crime won't be my humanity.

So I've sat on this all day trying to figure out how to be elegant. I'm in a fair bit of pain today, so elegance is kind of beyond me - I'll settle for helpful.

Anon, I grew up in a really similar situation to you. I grew up in one of the few Catholic towns in my very protestant area. It was a tiny farm town, only on the map for gambling, and I lived in an incredibly sheltered home. I couldn't be on the internet unsupervised, and my parents turned it off at 10pm, until the day I left home. I never had time to form a community, was not allowed to ask questions, and struggled with constant feelings of fear and crushing oppression by a church I no longer believed in.

When I was in highschool, I discovered LaVeyan Satanism, got my hands on the satanic bible, and converted, largely hiding it for years. I didn't meet a Jew until I left for college, and was so anti-Gd that we never really spoke (Not due to antisemitism - any engagement with religion triggered religious trauma history, so I couldn't be around ANYONE openly practicing any religion. It was a very stressful time, and I carry a lot of guilt for not engaging with her more.)

I didn't have any big philosophical reasons for seeking Judaism, either, at first. I had had a very spiritual experience in the Cherokee Nation with a family friend who invited us, and I was actually considering moving there and taking part in their religious practices as much as they would allow me to, as a white person. My family friend was a religious leader there and was willing to accept me and bring me in, but it never panned out. I have been seeking that same spiritual connection for years, but I didn't really know it until I found it again.

I first started learning about Judaism when I just. Kept running into Jews in my life. Online, in community spaces, through my advocacy work. And I asked myself "what is so important about this?" and picked up the book To Life! by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Immediately, I was enthralled, and I have not stopped being amazed and overjoyed with what I've found.

For me, the first step to really learning more was reaching out to my local Reform congregation. I'm not sure if you're thinking of converting Reform or not, but I'd suggest starting there, because I've found it's been very easy to find my footing as a queer person with a fraught religious background. The Union for Reform Judaism - the largest North American movement of Reform Jews - offers Intro to Judaism classes once a semester (many congregations require these courses for conversion). The classes lay out the very basics of Jewish values, history, and practices. They're usually taught by local rabbis - my course this semester on Jewish history has two classes with each of the four Reform rabbis in my city. This is a great way to get to know the rabbis, see how they teach, and see who you click with. It will also allow you to interact with other folks that are new to Judaism - Jews that want to learn more about their heritage and practices, prospective converts, friends and family members of practicing Jews, and sometimes just people interested in theology!

Once you find a rabbi that you click with, you'll want to reach out to them and set up a meeting (I meet personally with my rabbi on Zoom, because transportation is difficult for me as a disabled person). During that meeting, you can tell the rabbi your story, your level of interest, and answer some of their questions, as well. My Rabbi asked me why I chose Judaism as opposed to something else, and really dug into my resolve, because I came to him expressing my desire to convert. This is pretty normal - antisemitism is on the rise in the US and around the world, so they want to make sure you understand what you're taking on by seeking Judaism.

Here's the thing about Judaism - it is not something you can do alone. Judaism is a tribe and a people, not just a religion. I do not say this to dissuade you. If anything, I want to encourage you. No one is going to be upset with you if you come, participate with sincerity and earnestness, and then decide that it's not for you. You will not be wasting anyone's time by asking questions and learning things.

I also grew up Christian. We were taught that asking questions is a sign of a lack of faith. That we must follow and believe and never question Gd. I am here to tell you that that is the complete opposite of what Judaism not just expects, but requires. Israel means "to struggle with Gd." It is our job as Jews to struggle with the Torah and what it asks of us. To question it and interpret it and find out how to do good in the world. To disagree. This is not a religion of blind faith, and it is not a people that will silence your questions.

So I suppose the concise answer to your question is more of a checklist:

Research your local synagogues. See if you can attend one of their services online. See if you like the rabbi, like the way they talk and the things they say and the way they interpret the texts. See if you like the cantor, and if the way they chant helps you with your connection to the service or detracts from it. Take notes of any questions or concerns you have, so you can bring it to the rabbi.

Contact your local rabbi. If there is more than one congregation where you live, choose which seems most approachable for you to start with. On their congregation's website, there should be an email form that will take you to them, or to whomever runs their site, who will be able to put you in contact.

Set up a meeting with your rabbi. If you can go in person, that's great, but if you get anxious easily, Zoom can be really helpful. I recently even got my rabbi to join Discord. Bring them your questions. Tell them why you're there. Answer their questions honestly, and don't be afraid to tell them you're nervous. I promise you're not the first prospective convert they've spoken to.

Try to get into an Intro to Judaism class. You can ask questions about all different sects of Judaism, even if you're taking classes with the URJ, and a good rabbi will be able to give you cursory answers and resources to find more information. If Reform doesn't work for you, I'm sure that the other sects of Judaism have their own classes you can take. As a convert, I have not had to pay for my classes, and I think that's a national thing

Attend services. Don't be afraid to not know what's going on. Don't be concerned that you don't know Hebrew. Don't worry about them thinking you don't belong there. I still haven't formalized my conversion (I haven't been able to schedule my beit din), but my congregation considers me a member, and recently formalized my membership in our organization. They consider me a Jew, as much as I consider myself one. I am part of their family, even though I'm very new and know almost nothing.

And most importantly:

6. Keep reading. There are lifetimes of Jewish literature, information, and text out there. Jews keep extensive and detailed records of everything. When a Jew has an opinion, they write a book. And every Jew has opinions. I'm happy to give book recommendations, but this post has gone on far too long.

I know it's not a simple answer - there really isn't one. Conversion looks different for everyone, and takes different amounts of time for everyone. So does practice. I don't keep kosher but I give blessings over what I eat, even if it doesn't follow kashrut, because the blessing and gratitude is what is holy for me (and because I have dietary issues). I haven't hung mezuzot because I can't afford them, but I wear kippot because the visual reminder of the cultural and historical throughline of our people matters to me. I don't know Yiddish or much Hebrew, but I learn and ask questions and am enjoying immersing myself in a culture and ritual that I didn't know I needed.

I hope this is at all helpful. If you need or want personal help with any of these steps, please, please send me a DM and I will help you. I know it can be nervewracking to talk about religion, especially as an ex-Christian. I promise that my inbox is a safe space to discuss it. You're among friends, and I know your struggle.

Stay well, and may Hashem bless your journey, wherever it leads.