#livehorses confessions

[livehorses]

I don't want to worry anyone but, I'd like to ask you if you could pray for me.

With all the bad things happening lately around the world and in my house, it's been really hard for me to hold on to life.

My faith has considerably decreased in the last two years and I live in a constant feeling of discouragement and despair.

I don't find motivation to live, I struggle to leave my bed in the mornings and do house chores and homework and I spend the whole day doomscrolling.

I feel like an empty eggshell, I'm constantly irritated and a lot of guilty thought go around my head.

I know I should seek professional help, but it's not like my family is swimming in money, and I'd like a therapist that would understand my religious identity is an essential part of me. I also would like it to be a woman, because of past s3xual traumas. So, finding someone who would fit the glove it's been really hard...

So sorry for the vent, but this call of aid is a clear sign that there's still a part of me that doesn't want to give up, even if the rest is telling me to quit.

[livehorses]

I didn't see this movie when I was a kid, and when I grew up, I only knew it existed. At the age of 25 I finally watched it and I literally felt like Molly. The Last Unicorn came to my life when I felt my golden days were over...

“She’s the last unicorn in the world.” “It would be the last unicorn in the world that came to Molly Grue.”

The Last Unicorn (1982) dir. Jules Bass & Arthur Rankin, Jr.

[livehorsesartpage]

It happens to me that I feel restless and empty inside a whole day if I don't draw or create at least one thing. My heart is meant to create, there's nothing else that fulfills me so much as to be an artist.

[livehorses]

If I had a nickel for every time the Wise Men gifted me with a movie that would take my entire attention, being and life for the next years, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

[livehorses]

Maybe I should stop focusing on the times I tripped over and fell, and start focusing on how I stood up after instead.

[livehorses]

What a way to end the year, sick of the throat and lying in bed! Oh well. I look back on the year, and I'm ashamed to admit that I see very few positive things about it, although there were many.

Despite having finally entered, after several attempts, to the university I wanted, doubts assaulted me and I had to deal with strong stages of depression. As if that were not enough, they gave me temporary leave for failing two subjects at school, and that makes me wonder how capable I'm to continue in the career, if I am made to stay there or if, in fact, my art is not good, if my dedication is not enough...

On the other hand, seeing what is happening in the world makes me feel the responsibility to express my opinion and take a position on the matter, not to remain indifferent to the crises that have happened. But it hurts me to see that the world demands you to take a side, which I feel shouldn't be, we should all be important, and one nation should not be put on top of another.

I see a dark sight ahead of me that makes me wonder if it is worth waiting for something good next year, when it seems that there is nothing I can contribute, and that my life is going to return to its previous monotony.

I really wish I was more optimistic, like I have always been. But I'm really tired of fighting, of doing my best and giving my all when in reality it seems it doesn't make the slightest difference.

Despite everything, I'm going to continue walking along the path that has been set before me, hoping in God that things improve, and that further along the stretch, this coming year will offer me a new opportunity.

I really appreciate all your support, and you all were definitely the best thing about 2023. I'm sure that if not, I wouldn't have been able to bare it. I wish you the best in 2024, and may God fill you with blessings. 💗

[livehorses]

I know I'm going to be hated for most of the ATSV members, but I don't get why Miguel O'Hara is liked that much. I've never been a person who's dragged more by physical appearances rather than a good character. I don't feel attracted by gym bodies and this is not exception. Even more, somehow it disgusts me because most of the times I know people who own this type of bodies will be vain and will think they already got me for that.

In case of Miguel, I admit he's built gorgeously, but it's like people forget how much of a bully was towards Miles who's a minor that only wants to save his father. I don't care how much he was projecting on him because he feels guilty, he literally abused Miles psychologically and called him an anomaly, in other words he told him he shouldn't exist. The man obviously needs assistance, but the way the fandom thirsts for him and pities him without addressing how toxic he is, makes it really hard for me to like the character, it's all the opposite, they make me hate this mexican/irish man more, and that's odd because I'm a mexican myself. It's like the classical group of highschool teens simping over the bully guy only because of his looks. Oh, how the world hasn't changed a thing.

[livehorses]

I was a little reluctant of telling this openly, but at the same time, I want to vent a little about this.

On another post, I said my grandaunt has just died last Friday and I said her last years were hard.

Well, to begin with, she was the oldest of nine siblings. She was the matriarch of my father's side of the family. Many important events were done around her. One of her younger sisters invited her to go in trips to their home state, and she bought her gifts and was very caring towards her.

Turns out, that sister's family got involved in a huge corporation fraud some years ago, and they lost a lot of money. Her sister went to see my grandaunt to tell her everything, the trips, the gifts, the caring was all borrowed, and she demanded to be paid back with the heritage of my grandaunt's house. It's most likely she didn't want the house but wanted to tear it down and sell the land where it was built to win money.

When we found out, we couldn't believe it. How did she dare? It was her sister! How can you tell someone of your same blood that you owe them all the good they did to you? Only to cover your money loss?

My mom told us that that house was already destined to us, with the other possessions and that there was already a testament saying so. But we didn't care about that. We were only offended on how our grandaunt was just unfairly treated.

From that moment on, my grandaunt's mood and health decreased terribly. All in the middle of a pandemic. She felt so unloved and forgotten. We barely visited her before and no other cousins did. She only had the company of her personal nurse, her servant, her dog and the car's driver, and my grandfather that went to visit her often because he lived near.

She often insisted us to go to see her, but we always thought we had a busy schedule, and my grandfather didn't like that we visited her because he didn't want her to get exhausted afterwards. But I knew she would feel very alone, and more after her sister's mistreatments. I started calling her in Thursdays at noon. I insisted to go visit her when the pandemic started to end.

Then she died, the same week we went to see her in honor of her Saint's name day. I felt very guilty for taking her granted before, and I felt like I just cared for her when my other grandaunt was unfair to her. I feel like I could've done more for her, and I didn't call her that Thursday because I just thought it was enough with the last visit.

But the funeral was the worst. I took it a bit more calmy when I found out she died, it gave me a bit of relief considering she barely could breath and connected to a huge tank of oxygen at almost 100%. I was calm when I went to the funeral. There were only my grandfather, my family and my grandaunt's staff in the room.

But then she appeared, her sister. It has been a while since I hadn't seen her, probably the last time being my grandparents' wedding 50° anniversary. She went to greet us with a smile, so charming... But the next minute she started to give orders about getting rid of the dog, about the staff being fired that very day and screaming that no one was allowed to enter the house, not even the staff. "It's my house!" She screamed. "Yes, the house might be yours but not its content." My grandfather said. "No, I have the testament, and everything is mine!" she replied. Wisely, my older brother persuaded us to leave the room.

I had a couple of paintings of the Blessed Virgin Mary that I made and I gave to my grandaunt to keep her company, but the paintings were never placed in her room, so they lost their original purpose there. They were piled up on a living room. I always thought that, I would never allow my grandaunt's sister to take them away, because there's no way she could appreciate them as my grandaunt did. So, I anxiously asked my grandfather when he met us outside if he could recover them before that woman snatched them away. My grandfather and older brother went to the house, even if that meant to miss the funeral out.

When they arrived there was a locksmith already there, changing the locks by my grandaunt's sister orders, with also the order of not allowing anyone to get in. But in the words of my older brother, he seemed to feel bad for them so they let them in. They recovered my paintings and a few valuable documents and that was all they could rescue from there.

My grandaunt's sister spent all the funeral making phone calls, taking notes, chatting lightly with her nurse and close relatives as if it was another frivolous event, putting her plan of taking over the house and its possessions in motion, without any consideration to her dead sister being there present. I can't get over the disrespect, the audacity. That whole situation was the one that brought me to tears.

I'm sure My grandaunt is already at peace, she's now beyond any mortal human worry, and therefore I can be at peace too rewarding that. But my grandaunt was a huge keeper of traditions. She literally religiously put the Friday of Sorrows Altar, the Nativity scene, the Day of the Dead's Ofrenda. But I'm pretty sure her sister didn't give a single grain of salt about those things and pretty sure she threw everything to the trash. I don't care about the house, but the part that really hurted me, was to see all my grandaunt's legacy being thrown away. I was also very worried about the dog, because she was already rescued and I didn't want her to end on the wrong hands. However, it seems that she's okay, I hope so...

Okay, that was it. This funeral shouldn't have to be so hard if it wasn't for that family drama. I want to forgive my grandaunt's sister, even more, I think she's the one loosing it all. I don't think she hasn't won any battle or any heritage at all. I don't think that will make her happier, because she did it at the expenses of my grandaunt. Nothing could be rewarded from that.

[livehorses]

This is one of the weirdest things that have ever happened to me. Lately, since two months ago, I've been learning to play the piano, something that I enjoy a lot to do. But like a week ago, everytime I barely just sit down on the piano's seat, I get the feeling I get dizzy, I feel like I'm suffocating and like my heart rushes up.

This upsets me a lot because I can't concentrate and I can't keep up rightly with my lessons. I just leave them and go to lay down. The rest of the evenings I remain mentally unable to do stuff. I thought at a start it was just my normal low blood pressure that makes me dizzy all the time, then I thought I was sick. Turns out that when I pointed that out to my little sister, she told me that those are common anxiety attacks symptoms.

I couldn't get why I was having anxiety attacks over a piano, I'm not practicing for a recital and I'm not going to become professional, but my little sister told me maybe it wasn't the instrument, but something else what was bothering me everytime I did my lessons. After thinking it for a while, I admitted that while playing, many thoughts of what's currently worrying me come to my head, I get distracted and fail a note, I restart the lesson and that frustrates me.

I was like that the night before I got my second phase exam results, wondering what was I going to do if I didn't pass, then, a week ago my grandaunt died, and I was just practicing a Christmas Carol me and my siblings use to sing for close relatives, including her, who loved to hear us sing so much. Also, that piano was hers and she gave it as a Quinceañera birthday present to my oldest sister. My grandaunt's last year's weren't easy and her funeral was a total family drama. I loved her so much and I can't but feel heartbroken.

I still can't understand how am I having anxiety attacks over a piano.

[livehorses]

I don't want to escape this world, I want to fix it.

[livehorses]

The issue on celebrities' public lives, the gossip around them and cancel culture

Miley Cyrus "Flowers" has become a sensation, and it catched my attention, since I related to it at some level, so I searched it on YouTube. Turns out the search page was full of gossip about Miley and Liam's relationship. I didn't know anything about Miley Cyrus nor her private life, not gonna lie, I'm not much of a pop fan to be stuck with one celebrity and follow their life closely. I only consume some (not all) of the public and professional content they publish and that I actually like, since in my home I was educated into being selective with what I consume.

Here's my point: what I mean to say, is that the issue of being a celebrity is how exposed you are to the audience's opinions on matters of how you must live your own life when they actually might not know how. Your relationships and personal life issues should stay your own, but with the public life these celebrities have, it's hard to hide everything that happens with it. You're getting married? It appears in the news everywhere. So it is your first baby, your divorse, the trials accusations and of course, people will give an opinion on it, and whatever single decision you'll make can lift your career or doom it. Celebrities feel the pressure to take a posture that benefits their position, and if not, they have the risk of their career to be ruined. Of course, celebrities will always have the right and power to live their lives without answering to no one or without worrying of being a public example of morality, which isn't their responsability nor any company's production, as long as their professional work doesn't affect anyone else in the job. I will expand more this last line a few paragraphs later in this post.

Let's take for example the recent case of the famous Heard vs Depp. Maybe for most people these events might leave them confused because they don't have context, but the people who do and follow closely these celebrities' life will obviously take a side without actually having all the context, because they don't whitness these issues in their fullest and they only stick to one version of the story. The event can become a basic story where there's only one villain and one victim; not both victims, not both guilty. Fans of one celebrity will allienate with that side and other celebrity's fans will allienate with the other one, causing only comflict for things that have become more of soap operas at people's eyes. Of course, there are situations where one of the sides is obviously and undoubtedly a toxic abuser, I'm not saying that Liam Hemsworth is lacking guilt for cheating on Miley.

Also, I don't think is appropiate to be gossiping around those matters. The trials might've given a sentence to Amber, and that's on them, they're the judges and that's their job. But people cancelling everything Amber-related, sabotaging the release of Aquaman 2 or booing in the theaters just because she was there is wrong. The woman already payed the price, if innocent or not, but she literally paid it, she was given a penalty fee. I think that broadcasting the trials live for everyone to watch it was wrong from the start, and let's be honest, a lot of money was spent in propaganda to allienate people's favor to one side.

We can't shut our opinion, that's for sure, and public figures should live the most moral life they're capable of, with, or without consent of anybody. But sometimes it isn't our business, and sometimes we shouldn't be making a scandal of it, nor affecting their careers or telling people what they should consume or not if we don't know for sure if our opinion is the best. After all, celebrities keep being only human beings and we can't demand the perfect life from them. Just focus if they do their job right, and don't expect more from them because how they live their lifes is on them. Unless their position is one of authority, then things are different.

When we must say a word, and affect with our actions, when there's responsability from our part, is when a celebrity's professional job affects those around them and a final production involves abuse and mistreating. It is appropiate do denounce, critic and even so, to sabotage against directors who conditions their employees jobs for their own whims, that's the case of Harvey Weinstein or John Lasseter. Or when a production is winning money by taking advantage from others, or investing in companies whose purposes infringe important human rights, or when certain movie or series gives a wrong message that people might follow. That's where we have the power, when we choose the things that we consume and how we consume them, having full concience that is going to influence the film production, so the victims can win the fight against their opressors.

But aside from that, maybe it would be best if we focus only on how we live our own personal lives and how it affect others around us. There's where we also have influence and we have the power to change the way relationships are handled. Not by spreading missinformation and gossip on relationships that are happening very far away from our reach and sight.

[livehorses]

To clarify I'm just reblogging this as a little disclaimer. I don't want people to idolize me, I'm not someone to be worshipped, since I'm a normal and imperfect human being that makes mistakes and can hurt, and disappoint.

This is from 2019, when I was 21 years old and I was more insecure. Today, although I'm not officially diagnosed with it, I can say I've experienced depression and anxiety. I have trust issues from traumas I developed as a kid. I know now that I'm a person pleaser, and that's a huge flaw I have to work with. I know I'm a person in progress, and I can have patience with myself and other people. We all need to support each other into growing up as better persons.

A little note to mutuals:

I don’t know if this is the moment for rambling mostly because it’s late and I’m falling asleep. Maybe I tend to worry more than I should, but I just feel the need to tell it.

You all know me. Everyone have told me I’m the warmest, kindest person ever. I can’t deny there’s truth in what you say. There’s a mexican saying: “Light on the street, darkness at home.” meaning that it’s easy be good with people you don’t fully live with and that can’t see your flaws as the nearest people to you. Certainly is more easy being nice to people you meet online ‘cause you can think carefully what you will write than when irl you said what you think in terms of moments. And still I’m a bit imprudent when writing something. (Also as you can see I talk too much) 

I don’t wanna be negative.

But sometimes I just want that you meet me irl and know my true self…

I’m always on the fear of what people might think of me, and mostly I fear to hurt people as I fear people to hurt me. I want everyone around me to feel safe, comfortable and happy. But I tend to confuse comfort with goodness and hurt with annoy.

That involves having fear of annoying people with my obsessions, I’m also very obsessive but when I want to complain about people not sharing same tastes as me I fear to make them feel bad for that.

I tend to always being at a defensive mode, when someone misunderstoods what I meant to say or one action I made, I always defend myself and I try to negate that.

People have told me “Hey calm down, it’s okay, don’t get angry!”, but I’m not angry I’m just scared that people think I’m mean with them when I try to be all the contrary. People say that I tend to raise my voice. I can stress easily and sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes by trying to defend myself from harm I blackmail others as a way to say “Please don’t hurt me! I’m fragile! Look what can happen if you say or do mean things to me!”

I’m unpatient and I meassure others by my own meassurings, secretly wanting to demand them to treat me the way I treat them. But that only means to be as demanding with myself as how I’m demanding with others. Even if I don’t show it often, I use to be very judicious towards people’s behaviors or even ideologies that doesn’t coincide with mine. I also tend to talk behind their backs very harshly.

Maybe I’m not the nice person everyone says I am. Maybe I just pretend to be it when I’m not? I fake to be nice? Am I a toxic person? All that I want is attention? Am I a dependable person? Am I an attention seeker? I have always been a restless person…

I don’t think I have anxiety or depression. I don’t have anxiety attacks and as long as I know I have a healthy life and I don’t have any depression symptoms. Am I being exaggerated and inventing that I have a mental problem to justify myself? Or is it true? What do I know? My mother have told me that maybe my father has compulsive-obsessive syndrome since my older borther is clinically diagnosed with it. Maybe I inherited it from him…

What I can say in my defense is that at least I pretend to be good because I want to be it, that at least I try it and that’s what matters the most. At least trying it and by practice I’ve become at least a neutral good person at my own suprise. I can only say for certain, that all the good in me is only God’s doing in my person, because without Him, I’m just a mess. 

So that’s it, I said it, now I’m a bit more calmed, have a good night.

[livehorses]

I don't know what has become of me that every activity I make as a distraction becomes emotionally draining. Maybe because I get them as another moral obligation with social and moral guidelines to the point they aren't enjoyable anymore.

But what I think is the most draining is how despite all the efforts I've been putting to overcome, as best as possible and within all my means, the hard things that have been happening to me and challenged me within my 24 years old young woman limits, when I go online to distract myself and ease my existence a little, I only find users going joking around about their mental health problems like something we shouldn't take seriously like "Wow, life sucks and I'm a trash person!" 'Aren't anxiety and depression funny I guess?" "Wish I was another person in another situation. Haha hilarious 🙃"

I understand humans have been using humor to ease the pain that daily life problems bring up to them, but sometimes one is searching for things that can make them realize life isn't all roughness and sorrow but people keep normalizing giving up on a unbearable reality and with the thought of just dealing with it.

I also hate the idea of people portraying life as if this one is a meanie who enjoys watching people falling emotionally apart. Among them I've seen christians who leave me asking myself if they aren't realizing reality is directed by God's Will itself, and that they practically are seeing Him as a God that enjoys making humans suffer for free. And I know sometimes I had that sensation, more after for the third time in Mexican contemporary History, an earthquake happened on the same day, and I didn't understand why God was allowing that. But I'm totally certain He wasn't enjoying Himself watching me scream at the top of my lungs when I had to handle it on my own in my house while not knowing if the rest of my family were going to be okay or if the house would stay up after those strong shakes; or when I didn't pass an important exam for me, or when all my family and myself got covid. I don't even have to mention there's people that's living harder realities than myself or others and that they deserve so much better than people joking about things they have been handling without letting others know about it.

I'm so sick of that dark humor trend and memes that aren't benevolent to other's situations, I'm so sick of the lack of tact and empathy. And that's another reason why I haven't been around social media. I don't feel emotionally well to deal with those lately. Bad things keep happening everytime and everywhere and it isn't funny for me when I see those memes, so maybe, maybe we should consider stop making fun about things that other people find unbearable.

[livehorses]

You can congratulate me if you want, but just to be clear, here in México there's not such a thing like a mexican party for Cinco de Mayo. Of course, we have the day off, there are some commemorations in schools and the representation of the Battle in Puebla, but that's all. So no, I don't celebrate it and I don't consider it as the National Mexican Day. Wait four months later for September 15 and 16 to arrive and then we'll be talking.

[livehorses]

Sooo... what has become of me on the last weeks?

Well see... you know I was very busy focusing all my attention and strength on my entry exam. A couple of weeks ago, I checked the results of the first phase. It turns out I made it to the next phase, but then I realized the date the results were published was moved to July 30, not August 13. The days to fill up formularies, send documents and pay for the next exams were moved as well, and that meant I have lost my right to continue the process.

All because the school asked us to create an email exclusively for the exam and the day of the first phase, when I went to do the general knowledge one, at the exit they handed me over a little piece of paper with the official date of the results. I thought it wouldn't be necessary to check the blessed email until that said date, a huge mistake. They sent an email notifying the moving of the date and I just saw it a week later. I had to make a phone call to ask for an extension date and wait for a positive answer.

After that, I learned my lesson and I checked the email daily. Next day, I received an email accepting my request. But I only had a week to get prepared. So that's what I did. The school sends a couple of texts you have to read and analyze, and some videos as well. Your plastic work in the exam should be based on all these texts and videos.

Next week I presented via online the next phase. However, this one's really tricky. If you don't follow strictly all the indications on your artwork making, you don't get selected. As I said before, this school is very demanded and the vacancies are scarce. So, anyways I didn't enter.

I don't have to tell you how disappointed and down I feel right now. I had so many hopes to enter this time, and more when I had a lot of challenges and quite a great luck to contrast them. After my whole family got covid the week before the first phase, but I could go and do it, I checked late the results but got an extension date, it seemed that everything pointed out to a huge success. It feels anti climatic, you know? Such amount of energy I put on participating in this exam only to suddenly not having anything to fight for, to work on, to be on an undefined state of inactivity because the moment I realized I didn't enter it was all over.

Everyone has been trying to support me, cheer me up and give me options to do while I find something to do with my life, but I'm just tired, overwhelmed and done. It's like, I don't want to know nothing about my future right now, bit I'm also worried about what's going to become of me on the next couple of months. I feel like I don't have a purpose in life, like, I have this restless desire of greatness inside my heart, not the one of reaching fame or success, but of greatness of achieving great things with my art, to touch souls, to heal wounds, to speak my mind, solve worldwide problems, end injustice and division, but instead, my art hasn't grown enough, I haven't grown enough, and I'm not prepared... Also the urgency to help economically my family is huge, but I refuse to do any job that doesn't satisfy my art hunger at all.

I'd be lying if I say I haven't been fighting to find a reason I'm here and why it's worth to be alive. I've lost again the motivation of doing stuff, and I've just decided to dedicate myself into a one single and simple project: organize family photos. But is that enough? It's what my life is resumed right now?

I feel like Mirabel, in front of a golden door with the opportunity to become everything I've always dreamed of, but the instant I hold the doorknob, the door disappears. While my other siblings are getting where they want to be in life, two siblings getting married and two in college right now, I'm stuck behind them, doing nothing productive in my life.

I don't understand why I didn't stay in the art school, wish I could know it. I would like to know why God decided so. But my only comfort is that Mirabel didn't have the chance to get her door until way later when she and her family rebuild the Casita and she becomes Abuela's successor. Maybe my time to open my door hasn't come yet, and as Van Gogh, who started professionally painting until the age of 28, and as one of my ex-classmates who decided to become a painter at age 45 and has been successful in many art galleries lately, I still have time to become one.

Besides, I have to be realistic. It's not that I wasn't good, maybe by the high standards I wasn't good enough. And I wasn't the only one who didn't pass. Many others weren't accepted. And even more of the ones that made it to the next phase weren't accepted later. Another ex-classmate who did it to that said school, told me she has classmates that finally were accepted on the fifth attempt. That's the problem of plastic art here in my city. There's only two schools that have that career, not even private universities have it. It would be better if there were more art schools out there because it isn't fair, but they aren't.

I keep searching for answers, and things to be kept busy while I figure out what to do next. I hope to find it soon, because I can't stand another year of inactivity. Not anymore.

[livehorses]

Not to spoil anyone's fun but I hate Halloween. I hate watching Halloween theme fanarts or AUs, I hate people normalizing or making trends of scary things, vampires, witches or demons. I don't tell it often because I know my mutuals love it and they're actually good people who celebrate Halloween in a healthy way and they wouldn't do any harm to anyone. I respect their interests. However, as a Catholic, and Mexican, the subject makes me really uncomfortable to the point it triggers me. I even have a filtered tag for it. Although I know many Mexicans and even Catholics celebrate it as well...

So, I would like to ask you, as I respect the people who celebrate it, to respect my decision to not be part of it and to be understanding with me.