#little 5th grade me didn’t realize that I liked women and denied it in middle school

[m00n-pr1sm]

I keep on forgetting I was the insanest arrowverse fan for a good 5 years of my life, and by that I mean I spun a wheel and every year I would just chose a character from it to be obsessed with and would memorize every important scene and watch them like 4 times a week at least. and think/talk abt them constantly, the works

5th grade was Caitlin snow, 6th grade was nora darhk, 7th I chilled out for a bit,,, but it was Caitlin snow, 8th grade was also Caitlin…, 9th grade was Caitlin again… BUT I also had a brief laurel phase, caught up w legends (to like s6 + really liked astra), and then had a Lena luthor/supercorp for a few months during the summer!! then bbc Merlin consumed me and morgana became the next character subject to my brainrot!! I’m excited to see what other characters will enter my hall of fixation !!

[fruit-teeth]

The truth about my middle school years

You know what I haven’t thought about in awhile? What middle school and high school feel like. I’ve been in college for only a year and I already forgot what it feels like to have to ASK to use the bathroom and to need to have a hall pass, because in college if you have to use the bathroom you just get up and leave the room!!! What a concept!!!

So yeah, once again, I’m bored and I’m gonna talk about my life. Are you ready to learn about the bleakness of American pre teen/teenager’s life???? Of course you are

5th grade: Not quite sure if this counts as middle school in some places, but it does for the school I went to. I went to a conservative, private Christian school where classes were combined and my fifth grade class was merged with the sixth grade class. The sixth graders were the “cool kids”, and they hated all the fifth graders except me. Every morning before class started, the 6th graders would demand that I entertain them, and this led to me performing inappropriate pop songs and scenes from intense movies/shows by myself, and yes, this DID create my love for performing in shows.

I also had a cool writing teacher who adored everything I wrote and constantly praised the dumb comics I drew and the short stories I wrote, and that was when I decided I wanted to write all the time. All the while, I had a best friend who did everything with me and came to my house every Friday afternoon, where we would play with barbies and watch Power Puff Girls. It was a great year, but alas, it came to an end.

6th grade: shit got dark. My best friend dropped out of school so her mom could homeschool her, and even though the new 5th graders loved me, the people in my own grade thought I was annoying. I made friends with an angsty new girl who I’ll only called ‘Kira’ for this, and Kira was a rebel. Therefore, to impress Kira, i became a rebel as well, and my angst was born.

I had a new writing teacher who hated me, and i purposefully went out of my way to make her angry. Specially, she hated it when I drew in my class notebook (“This is WRITING class, not DRAWING class, Mara!!”), so I retailiated by drawing ridiculously busty women throughout my notebook. She didn’t say anything at first, but after a few weeks, she pulled me aside privately and told me that drawing those pictures wasn’t very ‘Christian’ of me. She then made me throw out my notebook and then gave me a new one.

7th grade: Things got better, and yet worse at the same time, if that’s possible. I was still friends with Kira, only something was different- I realized, not only that I wasn’t straight, but that I had a crush on her. This was bad because a) half the people at our school were homophobic, and b) she had a crush on the biggest douchebag in our class. They eventually ended up dating, although I have no idea why because he hated her and she knew he was a dick.

To make up for this, I swallowed the feelings I had for Kira and started ‘dating’ (there’s a reason this word is in quotes) a guy I’m only going to refer to as Jughead Joe. Jughead Joe was basically the epitome of those dark, brooding, misunderstood boys that appear in Anime, only he wasn’t cool. He was also extremely bigoted and a jerk, but I acted like I didn’t notice and hung on his arm anyway.

Stuff started to get weird as the year came to a close, and it all ended at a summer pool party. Jughead Joe and I played Xbox inside, and out of nowhere, he told me he wanted to have sex. When I said no, he said, “oh, come on. No one else wants you.” I didn’t know how to react so I poured my soda on his lap and ran outside, where I called my mom while hiding in a bush. I haven’t spoken to Jughead Joe since.

8th grade: THIS was when my world got flipped over. I switched schools, and I ended up at a dreary public middle school. The beginning of the year was just lonely, terrifying and confusing, but somehow I got out alive. Not unlike Hilary Duff in ‘Cadet Kelly’, there were tears and angst, but I eventually learned to adapt. However, I did not do a ribbon dance at the end of the year, although I wish I had...

At the same time, I had a DeviantART account where I posted my Invader Zim fan art and fanfiction. It was all fun and games until I pissed off the wrong edgelord, but that’s a story for another time.

The highlight of the year was when I finally found a group of friends who actually liked me, and we had a spa day for my birthday. Afterwards, we went to the mall and bought Build-a-Bears and ate overpriced mozzarella sticks. It was a beautiful day in my history, and I finally felt accepted and appreciated.

And then freshman year happened, which I’ll talk about in another post.

That’s all the tea I’m willing to spill for now, everybody! It’s depressing, it’s probably a little exaggerated, it’s probably wearing too much eyeshadow, but you know what??? It’s me. I shouldn’t deny the fact that I was the class clown, the rebel, the weird new girl, and Cadet Kelly all at different points in my life. And if I’m being honest, i don’t regret any of it. Except Jughead Joe.

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

hey! let’s talk! about me!

I’m gonna bullet list in hopes to keep this concise (UPDATE THIS SHIT IS A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND I THINK I WILL BE MAKING SEPARATE POSTS), bc i know it definitely isn’t going to be very organized. Before i had my fucking mental breakdown this afternoon, i actually had a lot of thoughts this morning. Some good, some bad, but i felt like i was taking the time to really acknowledge and process some things that.. I don’t get to acknowledge and process often. Or that i just flat out refuse to, or i choose to repress memories, or am still struggling with “wait, did that really happen or am i making it up,” which apparently is a sign of childhood emotional negligence or some shit like that. So basically this will prob end up being a series of extremely personal anecdotal text posts that i have shared with.. Absolutely no one prior to now, for all of my two followers to read (but tbh y’all don’t even have to, i’m mostly keeping this up here for me & prob to have something to share w my therapist, but i won’t stop y’all)

Part I - Oh no, I Caught “The Gay!” Alright, so boom: sexuality. I know i don't shut up about being gay, i know i am entirely way too hype about having a gf and being absolutely fucking smitten with her (AND WOMEN IN GENERAL), but when it feels like i’ve been forced into being silenced about that for sooo fucking long, shit can you blame me? I’ve been pretty open about it as an adult (p much 20 & on or so), it wasn’t like.. This huge secret or anything, but it also wasn’t something i went out of my way to make public. I never officially came out, and unfortunately when people found out it was because this real crazy chick decided to out me out of nowhere and i guess i just figured i had to own up to it, i didn’t really care what people thought of it then. It was weird answering questions, but easier to navigate in my 20s, though more on that later. I did let my partners know if i was dating anyone seriously (as seriously as you can as a teenager anyway), but past that idk, it just never came up. And i sometimes envy the younger kids/adults that like.. Have all these resources and labels available to them now, you know. I feel like its a lot easier to explore who you are and your identity today than it was when i was in middle school, having an extremely hard time sorting out my feelings for my “friends” (read as: i usually thought i just really wanted to be their friend, but also was v aware of how attractive they were to me, but it didn’t seem okay to talk about; whereas, middle schoolers now are a little more open? Have more labels? i have always settled for gay, Bc i did like and develop feelings for guys too but even then knew i liked my friends more). And i mean it was always something i personally was okay with, i wouldn’t deny myself the pleasure of finding girls attractive whatsoever. It’s weird looking at kids now like “oh no, they’re only children!” But i was all of 11 yrs old, first day of sixth grade, when i literally prayed that hands down THE prettiest girl in my 5th period would sit next to me as soon as i saw her walk in and had instant butterflies when she smiled at me and took that empty desk, like holy shit lmao (bruh.. She was 5’1”, puerto rican, and in my head at the time, looked RIGHTTTTT. We were partners in that class for the rest of the year and best friends outside of that class and her voice & her laugh, like bro!!!! Again, confusing and frustrating to have a crush on her, know that, be her friend and hello ofc she’s gorgeous so every boy was always after her too. Navigating feelings was so hard, but then i found a boy to crush on and felt normal again lmao). BUT it just seemed like the normal thing to do was not talk about it or ever bring it up to anyone at all at any point in time which i realize now is.. Yikes lmfao. I think it would have been different if i had someone to navigate that with, i was “mature” enough to figure it out on my own, and know to just keep it to myself, and accept it and not feel like a weirdo or anything, but not always be so eager to act on it. Again the older i’ve gotten, the easier it’s been to tell the story of how my parents thought the neighboring boy and i were so cute together in pre-k & meanwhile i was kissing this one girl during nap time, lmao. So like, i’m okay with that much; i don’t and never have felt guilty about being gay (bi, pan, whatever), even growing up in a church bc it rly was something that just came naturally to me from the jump. Puberty was slightly confusing but not a total shock either.

High school was even more so challenging and confusing? Bro. one of my best friends (and we’re def still friends now) and i were very close and the bitch had absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Granted she had always been like that, I had been friends with her since the 6th grade as well and had seen her with other girls and boys but never put too much thought into it (you will see that this is my reaction to 90% of shit that happens to me). I’ve posted before and recently about being gay but not wanting to be predatory but getting mixed signals in “regular girl friendships,” and this was fucking textbook, lmao. I never got my hopes up or anything, and i just didn’t consider being with her a real option, but yeah, no, i deadass liked her and i’m sure she knew and didn’t mind the attention either lmao. Call it my first situationship i guess, lmao. We shared a locker so she would leave me notes and gifts, and vice versa, we’d bake for each other, we’d walk to class together, usually have lunch together, so on and so forth; she had no problem holding my hand and hugging me and being affectionate and calling me baby but like.. We weren’t dating. That was a thing. I both welcomed it and brushed it off; i was really comfortable with her physically, but still thinking i should only be dating boys even though they made me extremely uncomfortable and i’d flinch if they got too close (lmao, i have an entire separate section ready for men; cue eyeroll). I mean she kind of lead me on but not rly? I knew not to take it srsly BUT i also knew i’d be down as fuck if she ever changed her mind lmfao. Deadass she’s a 10/10 both then and now and she’d always do this cuuuute thing where she’d wrap her hands around my neck and kiss my nose and bruh i’d melt. Most people were already convinced we were dating *shrug* anyway though, this guy tried to hook up w me but i was like ehhhh so he ended up hooking up w her instead and i started dating my first boyfriend (who was terrible, abusive, and legitimately ruined my life in the short span of 10 months or so but that’s in the men’s section). It’s not like all of that magically stopped either though but i never pressed her for anything more, just entertained her and got butterflies every time she would hit me w that “i’d so love to date you” but her issue was she was comfortable with women but not sexually. I obviously wasn’t trying to sleep w her at 14, but i get it, that's her prerogative & it never got in the way of our actual friendship & i 100% value her as JUST my friend, she’s been rly great to me and has been there for the shittiest of times and has gotten me out of some rough spots. It was what it was lol. And there were other pretty girls after her that i would have considered pursuing but just never went for it. There was this senior girl i had for a class the following year and she also was and still is just jaw-dropping, beautiful, like holy shit. Something about her reminded me of strawberries and just made me feel cozy, you know? She always smelled nice, her hair was strawberry blond wellll past her waist, and she had to have been dumb to not notice me checking her out 25/8. Anyway though, i’m not trying to talk about every single girl i’ve had a crush on; the point is, i have always been firm on my sexuality you know, i never felt like i had a “questioning” phase and it just felt normal (and it has been annoying to have people question just bc i wasn’t “out” long enough to them? Or bc i’m straight passing as far as being fem + dating shitty guys goes). The only weird part was just never pursuing or never having the means to, obviously every girl is 500% straight in high school, or they sure were back then at least. I knew all of like two or three openly out girls and while i was not interested in none of them, i did envy the confidence they had not in just “hey i’m GAY,” but one of them was notorious for just pursuing any girl she was interested in and having it work in her favor? Even the “straight” ones? In my head i could only think like bro how the fuck? Anyway, proceed w checking chicks out on the sly and dating shitty guys (#bars)

So of course, college came around right, and thankfully i knew myself well enough at this point to know that my relationship with women was completely different from my relationship with men. How we interacted, how they made me feel, etc. i moved out at 17, had my own apartment, all that jazz. I had a serious boyfriend but we did do the “open relationship” thing for a bit and lo and behold, available women were everywhere. And we’d chat, flirt, and i knew the physical attraction was there (and, you know, i’m not going to get graphic or anything but confirmed i enjoyed that aspect as well) but not rly much else. So again, never put much thought into it, i was open to being with women romantically but it just never came up and finding straight guys to date after that boyfriend and i broke up was just easier. At this point, i took a “cross that bridge when i get to it” when it came to “officially” being out; it seemed pointless to make this huge deal when i was still just dating dudes, or not dating anyone at all. Not too long thereafter though, one of my close friends (i only have a couple) called me freaking out, it was adorable, lmao. So this girl confessed her love to her and she was confused about what she should do lmao (my gaydar went off THE SECOND I first met my friend and i mentioned it in passing but she always brushed it off). The whole “do what feels right” line is tired but that was the only advice i can give her really. Putting a little more thought into the situation this time and wishing i had someone i could call when i was freaking out over a girl i told her like “you know, there’s nothing wrong if you’re gay. I’m gay, i turned out just fine.” long story short, if you ask her she will always credit me for helping her come to terms with that, but she was also the first person outside of a boyfriend that i said that out loud to and.. It was nice. We kinda helped each other through that and it was nice to have that one gay friend finally lmao. But let’s just fast forward to maybe a year after that, i’d talk to girls here and there nothing serious, when the same crazy girl that liked my friend wants to talk to me (i told y’all the lesbian/local community dumb small) my friend didn’t care and i wasn’t trying to date her seriously, i was in town for the holidays and figured it’d be fun, whatever. So i was going to LIC w A HUGEEE group of my friends. Like. a significant amount, that i had only seen a couple times since high school, and that i obviously did not share my personal business with. This girl knew i wasn’t out, i told her not to be acting crazy either smh. So i knew the girl in passing but not like officially and we did most of our talking online/texting (bc thats how lesbians meet lmao). Keeping that in mind, this is the first time i’m actually meeting this girl not irl but def f2f y’know.. And this is the third time that i’m saying she’s crazy. We find a place to meet at LIC between sets and i told my friends i was waiting for another friend of mine thinking that would be the end of that. Now the whole “lesbians are crazy and move way too fast” trope was a thing w this one bc as soon as she spotted me she ran to me and just kissed me, i swear it was straight out of The Notebook, bro and i turned around and my group of MAYBE 10 friends that caught that were literally staring, wide-eyed, jaws dropped. And i just brushed it off and said k, i’m ready to go, and the questions from there on after just would not stopppppp. It was partially embarrassing bc i am not a spotlight ass bitch whatsoever, but most people that saw us together strangers and whatnot thought we were a “cute couple” and we were complimented most of the night. But every time she’d hug me or kiss me or anything, my friends would be ready behind her back in group of three trying to mouth over me like “girlfriend???? Dating?????” and no she wasn’t my girlfriend but the way she was all over me i had to claim her as such at that point to make my life easier lmao. And i can laugh it off now because no, it rly wasn’t that big a deal to me then but it does kind of suck that it ended up not being my own choice y’know. I had fun with her, the night ended well, she left w me and slept over (nothing happened [that time] but it was still nice nonetheless lol). New years eve was the next couple days and we made plans together and again, we weren’t official or like REALLY talking and it was a (different) group of us going to this house party. I didn’t think she’d do the same thing like, bro without asking or anything, imagine if i was a person that did seriously mind?? Anyway, she got drunk and was the life of the party, she has quite the presence, and by the time it was midnight she straddling my lap making out with me and thats how i came out to everyone else i knew and whoever wasn’t at any of those two events sure did receive texts and pics of my date and i. It was embarrassing initially cause this girl!! Why the fuck did she do that!! Lmao, explaining myself to my closest friends was odd bc they were offended i didn’t tell them sooner and i’m just like.. It never came up at all you know. With that said, i have waited to see if i would ever seriously date a woman bc i knew i wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself until recently, and that’s why ya’ll see me out here screaming on rooftops about how gay i am bc i finally get to do that, on my own terms, and bc i love someone soooo so so dearly.