#literary agent

[itsawritblr]

2 kinds of writers: Ones who write to impress, and ones who just love to write.

[slayingfiction]

Navigating the World Of literary Agents

Who Are Literary Agents? Literary agents are professionals who represent writers to the publishing industry. Their primary role is to help authors sell their work to publishers. These agents are adept at understanding the market, recognizing the potential in a manuscript, and have the necessary connections within the publishing world. They act as a bridge between an author and the publisher, ensuring that the author’s interests are well-represented.

What Do Literary Agents Do?

Manuscript Assessment: Agents review manuscripts and offer guidance on how to make them more appealing to publishers.

Market Expertise: They possess extensive knowledge about what publishers are looking for and current market trends.

Submission to Publishers: Agents submit manuscripts to publishers, often knowing the right editors for specific genres.

Contract Negotiation: They negotiate contracts, ensuring that the terms are favorable for the author.

Career Management: Beyond a single book deal, agents often assist in managing an author’s career, advising on future projects and opportunities.

The Value of a Literary Agent:

Access to Major Publishers: Many large publishing houses do not accept unsolicited manuscripts and only deal with agents.

Negotiation Skills: Agents are skilled in contract negotiations, potentially securing better advances and royalties.

Industry Insight: Their insight can be invaluable in refining a manuscript and tailoring it to the current market.

Career Development: They provide ongoing career advice and support.

The Changing Publishing Landscape: The rise of self-publishing and digital platforms has undoubtedly shifted the dynamics of the publishing world. Self-publishing offers authors more control and potentially higher royalties per book. However, it also requires significant effort in terms of marketing, distribution, and sales.

Is It Still Worth Getting a Literary Agent?

Traditional Publishing Goal: If your goal is to be published by a traditional publishing house, especially a major one, an agent is almost essential.

Industry Expertise: The expertise and industry knowledge of an agent can be a significant advantage.

Time and Effort: If you prefer to focus on writing rather than the business side of publishing, an agent can be a valuable asset.

Market Access: Agents have access to markets and publishing opportunities that might be difficult to reach independently.

Conclusion: In conclusion, while the necessity of a literary agent may vary depending on an author’s goals and the path they choose to take, their value in the traditional publishing realm remains significant. They bring expertise, connections, and negotiation skills that can be crucial for a successful literary career. However, with the rise of alternative publishing routes, authors now have more options than ever, making it important to carefully consider which path aligns best with their ambitions and works.

Our Grand Opening Giveaway opens in just a few days! So exciting!

Happy Writing! :D

[literallycait]

Submissions Schedule

Hi, all! I know I've been absent from social media for quite some time. The last few years have been a struggle, first with the pandemic and then the onset of a difficult medical condition that I'm still learning how to live with. My existing clients are of course always my priority, so unfortunately my query inbox and social presence had to fall by the wayside for a time. But I'm back on a roll, finally almost caught up and ready to reopen to queries on SEPTEMBER 1st!

If you had an unanswered query or manuscript out with me from several years ago, you may see something in your inbox in the next day or two. Given that at this point most authors in my inbox will have moved on to other agents and new projects or significant revisions, I feel it makes the most sense to start with a clean slate, so I'm closing out the vast majority of old submissions with an automatic pass and an invitation to resubmit with the same (or new!) material when I reopen on September 1st.

So if you've been waiting to query, please get your materials ready! Please note: in order to better stay on top of timely responses, I will initially only be open for ONE WEEK. I will then close until I've gotten through all of those initial submissions, and then reopen again. The submission form link will be: https://QueryManager.com/cmcdonald

There will also be a couple changes to the genres that I'm seeking once I reopen: I will no longer be accepting queries for middle grade or for any nonfiction. Apologies to anyone who was sitting on a project in those areas.

And final note, since the site formerly-known-as-Twitter is a collapsing cesspool, this (Tumblr) will now be my main base of operations until further notice. I won't be deleting my Twitter account (yet) and I will still post announcements when I open/close to submissions on there, but I will not be particularly active when it comes to replies or interactions. It's a better bet to send me an Ask or DM on here instead--though with the caveat that I may still not be super quick with responses due to my health issue, which limits my computer time.

Thank you for your continued interest and understanding. I'm looking forward to seeing your work!

[writerobscura]

[bee-barnes-author]

Me: I’m down w Covid. I don’t need to be checking my query email and get bummed out by rejections while I’m sick.

That terrible voice in the back of my head: what if it’s a full request and you ignore it and the agent loses interest?

*checks email*

Zero emails.

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

If anyone following me is a published author please tell me where and how to start looking for a literary agent. Every time I try I just get so fucking overwhelmed and everything is hidden behind walls and obscure sights. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hell, if anyone following me IS literary agent let me know.

[mqmertz]

Changes

A book is like a living being. As a novel is written, it goes through many stages. There’s outlining, drafting, editing, and revisions. Since I began writing my novel in the fall of 2021, it has gone through a lot of changes. Some character names changed, the title of book itself changed (a few times), dialog got moved around, additional details were woven in, and some major plot points were…

[rosieethor]

Hi there! I had a quick question for you. You used to have a free post on Patreon that had a bunch of tips for researching agents to query, and I've had it bookmarked for a while, but I can't access it anymore because your Patreon stuff is all down currently. I was wondering if you happen to have that article up anywhere else? I'm about to search for agents for querying round 2: electric boogaloo and I was hoping to refresh myself before diving in. If you don't have it up anywhere, no worries, and thanks for writing it in the first place!

Hello! Happy to repost it here! I took down my Patreon, as it was causing me too much stress to create enough quality content to feel as though I could justify charging folks. Anyway, without further ado, my general overview of how to research and evaluate literary agents when you're in the query trenches: ~~

Lately I’ve been working with some of my mentees to build their query lists. It’s an exhausting process with a lot of research and guess work. In light of some recent discussions and advice floating around to “research” agents, I thought I’d throw together a sort of haphazard guide on how I do that and what I look for. “Research” is pretty nebulous advice and it’s just… not very helpful without any kind of caveat that no matter how much research you do, you’ll never be 100% sure about an agent until they reveal themselves to be a schmagent (shady agent). It’s sort of… Schrodinger’s schmagent, if you will.

This isn’t going to be an exhaustive how-to, but it’s a starting point. I hope it helps you as you figure out who you want to query and who you’re willing to trust with your career.

Depending on what type of book you’re writing, there are many tools the industry has to offer that you can use to figure out if agents are legit, what they are interested in signing, and what books they’ve sold.

MSWL 

Manuscript Wish List is an incredible resource. Agents can upload their wishlists to a profile on the website so you can see up to date information about not only what age categories and genres they’re accepting, but what other sorts of things they’re most interested in seeing like themes and writing styles and ship dynamics etc. This is a great place to start with building your query list and can help you narrow down who would be the best fit for you.

But… it doesn’t filter out schmagents. You don’t have to pass any sort of test in order to make a profile on MSWL except… be… an agent. Of any caliber. There are lots of agents on MSWL that I would never suggest someone query. On the flip side, there are lots of agents who are not on MSWL who I would suggest someone query.

Querytracker 

This is another great tool the industry has to offer. I didn’t use it for myself, but have used it to help others with building their query lists. The gist of it is that you can log all your queries and see when other people submitted and got their responses to see where you are in the queue. You can also see examples of form rejections from certain agents to see if yours was a form of personalized, and there’s a list of pretty much all the agents in existence.

However, this list of agents is not vetted in any way. There’s no quality control of the list, so again it’s just a starting point. There is a tool on the site called “Who reps Whom” where you can see an non-exhaustive list of authors and which agent reps them. This list is sometimes out of date though since authors leave agents sometimes and don’t announce their new representation until their book sells. It also sometimes lists multiple agents for an author when that author has sold different books repped by different agents. It can sometimes help you see which agents are losing clients, but it doesn’t really tell you why and that’s the important detail that will help you see if an agent is bad-bad or just bad for that author.

There is a paid version of QT, which I’ve never used, but I’ve heard it’s a great tool to have while you’re querying, but maybe not before you’re querying.

Children’s Bookshelf 

If you’re a kidlit writer of any age category, you should be subscribed to Publisher’s Weekly Children’s Bookshelf newsletter. It’s a biweekly (Tuesdays and Thursdays) newsletter that includes a deal report. This lists all the book deals from picture book up through YA that are being announced that week.

First of all, you should get on this whether or not you’re ready to start querying. It’s a great, free resource that will help you stay aware of what’s selling in the industry. Keep in mind, though, that books being announced now won’t come out for at least a year or two. They also probably sold months ago. What’s selling now won’t be what’s selling in a few months, necessarily, so be wary of chasing trends.

Mostly, though, this is a great way for you to see who is selling what to whom. See a book deal that sounds cool? Check who the agent was. Then check who it was sold to. Is that a publisher you’d like to publish with? Maybe check out that agent’s wishlist to see if you’re a match!

Old editions of Children’s Bookshelf and the deal reports are available online, too, so if you want to do a bunch of research right now, you can search for those on PW’s website.

Publisher’s Marketplace 

I hate this website very very much mostly because they charge so much money for you to get access to what should be free information HOWEVER it’s a very useful tool with lots of internal connectivity and links that are actually helpful. If you’re willing to shell out the money, you can check up on agents’ sales and see how their sales are.

A word of caution: PM has some “top dealmakers” lists you can peruse. These are misleading and simply list agents who are making the most deals. There’s no vetting of the quality of these deals. There is a well known schmagent who often tops these lists, so just because someone appears on a list, don’t take that as gospel that they are a quality agent.

Avoiding Schmagents

There are a lot of schmagents out there and really they fall into two categories: Bad agents who are out to screw you over and bad agents who don’t realize they are bad agents.

The former are usually a little easier to spot. I say usually because… not always. Sometimes very successful agents turn out to suck at their jobs. *stares at the current situation* But! You can sometimes spot these agents because there will be articles or blog posts about how much they suck. There will be podcasts where the hosts have to call the agent by a rhyming fake name to avoid a lawsuit. Etc.

The latter are a little harder to spot sometimes because they talk a good game. They sometimes talk about bad agent practices and share their own processes in the name of transparency (lots of good agents to this too!) These agents have the best of intentions and really want to be good agents, but they might have bad training or not enough strong connections in the industry to actually sell your book. They might not know enough about contracts to negotiate a good one, or they might not actually know what is and isn’t industry standard. They think because they are well-intentioned and not out to scam you that they’re not a schmagent.

Basically, the first case is like hiring a con artist to do your plumbing and they come over to fix your sink and break your toilet in the process. The second case is like hiring your really enthusiastic neighbor to fix your sink. They might be excited to do the job, but if they have the wrong tools and the wrong training, a lot can still go wrong.

So how do you know who to avoid?

Google

Okay I know this is going to sound extremely ridiculous but just. Just. Google. Google the agent’s name or the agency and scroll through the first couple of pages of results. If there are public facing horror stories to be had, you’ll probably find them here. Sometimes I see people sign with schmagents and I know if you google their name the second or third result is a detailed and horrifying blog post from an ex client all about her “year with a terrible agent.” A simple google search of the agency’s name would reveal this information, and it hurts my heart to see people signing when there are so many obvious red flags for them to find if they just search.

Writer Beware

This is a great website with detailed accounts of many known schmagents and Schmagencies. It’s not exhaustive by any means, but you’ll see some great info here about bad actors in the publishing industry, what they’ve done, and why it’s recommended that you stay away. 

Red Flags

There are also just a few red flags to look out for. Things like agents charging you up front—never ever pay an agent. Agents get paid a commission off of what they sell for you. They only get paid if you get paid. Money will flow from the publisher to the agent (who will take their 15%) and then to you.

Keep an eye out for agencies that charge a reading fee for queries. Again, don’t pay them money. Be wary of any agency that also provides paid editorial services. The same goes for if an agent tells you to work with a paid freelance editor in order to get signed. (This is different from feedback suggesting you work with critique partners or an editor. That’s a good suggestion. Prescribing that you work with a specific editor and pay them for their services as the conditions to get signed as a client is not okay.)

I am also very wary of any agent or agency that requires exclusivity on queries, partials, or full manuscripts. Exclusivity, to me, reads as though the agent doesn’t believe they stand a chance against other agents if they decide they want to sign you and… that’s a red flag to me. If they don’t think they can measure up, then they probably can’t and you shouldn’t be giving them a chance. (I’ll note that this is different from exclusivity on an R&R, which I think can sometimes be warranted in cases when an agent takes a lot of time to give you notes. Sometimes an agent will give revision notes and ask for exclusive right to consider the revised—be sure to nail down a timeframe for this so you don’t get stuck waiting for them to read for 6 months. Give them a head start of a few weeks or a month, but don’t give them forever to consider.)

Evaluating

When I evaluate an agent for a query list, I look at their sales.

If they have sales, I look to see if they are sales to publishers/editors you would be interested in working with? Likely, their sales are indicative of who they have relationships with. If you are submitting with the hopes of a traditional print deal to a large publisher, but the agent mostly does digital only deals to small presses, that’s probably not going to be the right fit for you. If you’re a middle grade writer but the agent has only ever sold adult historical romance, then… again, maybe not the right fit.

If they don’t have sales, I look at the other agents at the agency. Who has been agenting longer at the agency who might be mentoring them? Look at their sales and evaluate those. It’s possible the new agent you’re querying will make different contacts, but they’re likely being trained by the higher ups at the agency. Make sure you’re comfortable with that.

Check where the agent was trained too. Probably, you’ll see this in their agent bio. You’ll see some former workplaces—do they have prior experience in the industry? At a publisher maybe? A strong internship at another agency? This isn’t necessarily always going to be the sign of a good agent, but it can tell you what their history is and who might have had a hand in training them.

Other things I look at are their client list. Does the agent have a ton of clients already? Do they have a lot of high profile clients? These aren’t necessarily marks against them, but it might be an indicator that their plate is already pretty full. They might not be taking on a lot of new clients—or if they are, they might be overloading themselves and setting you up for very long wait times or even being neglected as a newer client. That’s definitely not always the case, and there are plenty of agents with huge lists full of very successful authors that juggle it all quite well.

This is where the last piece of the puzzle comes in and I realize I’m about to sound just extremely annoying but… do a vibe check. You don’t have to have a concrete reason not to query someone. If you feel at all uncomfortable or you get a weird vibe from someone, it’s okay to just say “Maybe I’ll skip that person.” I skipped an agent who was probably lovely, but gave of a kind of weird ra-ra feminist terf vibe to me that made me feel like maybe that wouldn’t be a safe relationship for me. I also skipped a male agent who I saw tweeting at women in a way that just felt a little uncomfy to me. That agent was later revealed to be a total creep, so… my vibe check war right on point there. Just… sometimes it’s worth taking a risk on a newer agent (it certainlywas for me) but it’s not always worth taking a risk on an agent who just feels off to you. Especially if you’re a marginalized person and you get a vibe from an agent that might indicate they’d try to exploit your identity or just be kind of shitty to you… you’re not obligated to query them! Even if they request in a pitch contest! Even if they slide right into your DMs to ask for your book (especially if they do this omfg this is so inappropriate). Basically… listen to your gut.

Okay so… what am I actually looking for?

There’s not one perfect checklist to use for this that’s a surefire way to weed out the baddies and keep the goodies. Unfortunately, a huge part of this industry is figuring out what works for you and being willing to communicate that. You won’t know what you’re looking for until you find it sometimes. If you’d asked me who my dream agent was before I queried, I would have given you the name of an agent I would never ever ever query if I had to go into the trenches now. Sometimes what you think you want and what you actually need are two very different things, and I’m really lucky that I got what I needed without trying to.

It’s helpful if you keep in mind some stuff about what youwant like:

· Do you want an editorial agent, or do you want to manage the editorial side yourself with CPs etc. and just have your agent sell your work?

· Do you want an agent who specializes in your age category/genre or do you want an agent with broader contacts in case you decide to branch out?

· Do you want a large agency that manages a lot of clients and may have a really strong internal subrights department? Or do you want a more boutique agency where you might be in a smaller pool of authors?

· Do you want to publish traditionally with a large publisher, or are you interested in submitting to some digital imprints or independent publishers?

Keep all this in mind as you do your research on agents. I recommend that you reevaluate these wants as you go along to see if that’s still what you want or if your career plans have changed. But, use these as a way to steer you with your search. Don’t submit to an agent just because their wishlist matches up with your book. Make sure their agenting style matches up with your career plan too.

Dream Agents

Lastly, a plea from me to you: don’t have a dream agent. It’s okay to have like… an idea of what kind of agent you want and the relationship you hope you’ll have but… don’t pick a real agent to have as your dream agent. Nine times out of ten what you’re going to end up wanting in an agent isn’t what you think you want now while you’re in the query trenches, but also it’s weird and maybe a little bit unhealthy to idolize an industry professional who may or may not be doing their job well. Just because you like an agent’s twitter presence doesn’t mean they would be the right agent for you. There are a lot of agents out there who do a great job, so it’ll be better for you in the long run to have a dream type of agent rather than an actual specific dream agent. Keep your options open and dream broadly.

Whisper Networks

There’s a lot of talk about whisper networks in publishing and… basically yeah. These exist. They spread a lot of good information. They also spread a lot of bad information. Basically these are avenues for gossip, so take it all with a grain of salt. I’ve heard things before from the source and then heard a very twisted and garbled version of that story again a few days later from someone else. It’s like a big game of telephone and everyone’s tryingto pass along the right info, but stuff gets twisted along the way. Be cognizant of who your source is and who their source is etc.

Not everyone has access to whisper networks and… unfortunately that’s kind of just by design. The reason we have whisper networks instead of a detailed database is because these conversations can quickly turn into big spectacles that end with a cease-and-desist order and threats of lawsuits. Agents hold a lot of power in this industry—especially the ones with daddy’s money to throw around—and none of us wants to deal with that, especially since we don’t get paid nearly enough to actually fight it. We also don’t want to burn bridges. Maybe there’s a shitty agent out and about, but they rep some authors we really respect or they work at a great agency that we might someday want to query. Until the power imbalance in publishing is more even, it will continue to be dangerous for authors to talk publicly about bad agent behavior—even when it is very clearly unethical.

I don’t have the solution here. Maybe there just… isn’t one… Maybe someone a lot smarter than me will come up with one. Maybe we’ll all just keep circling on this issue for decades to come. At the end of the day, my best advice is to talk to other authors. If you’re having a weird experience, talk to someone else. The best thing we can do is compare notes to see if what we’re dealing with is normal.

In Closing

So… I hope this is useful in one way or another. It’s definitely not a catch all and it’s not a perfect system. These are just the tools I know of and the way I think about agents/agencies when putting together query lists with my mentees. A lot of it is guess work. I think the industry would hugely benefit from more regulation and standardization but… that is another conversation for another time because we’ve crossed over 3000 words on this post and it’s time for bed.

With that… good luck!

[jpitha]

Me: “I wrote a book! Maybe I can get it published!”

*reads QueryTracker for agents and other author experiences*

*reads average time to reply from an agent with a form letter rejection*

*reads what agents are looking for to sell*

*realize I didn’t write any of that*

Me: “oh no. Ohhhh no no no. Oh no.”

[hayatheauthor]

I had a dream yesterday night that I got two full requests and was really happy, woke up today and thought nothing of it then came back from school, checked my email, and guess what I saw- a full request!

I was honestly really bummed out about starting another round of queries at the end of August because in the previous round I got 3 fulls that ultimately ended in rejections. Even now I'm scared to post this because what if this full ends up as a rejection too?

But tbh any progress is still progress, and I'm trying my best to look at this whole thing positively. How is everyone else's writing/publishing coming along?

[aritany]

Hi, Alex! I appreciate the insights you share into your writing/publishing journey. Not sure if you've talked about this or not, but did you end up with an agent, or did you submit right to a publishing house? It seems like everyone says scoring an agent is the way to go, so I was curious what your experience was. Thank you!

i do have an agent, yes! i'm signed to ali herring at spencerhill associates. my experience getting an agent was very unusual and very, very lucky, so i tend to say i'm not the best person to ask about the querying process.

(i signed with her within 3 weeks of sending my first query, because she happened to look at the newest chunk of her submissions that day when she usually starts with the old stuff, and then she sent a full request the day after i queried her, finished within 24 hours, offered another 24 hours later... it was nuts. the extra two weeks were to let the other agents i queried decide. do not let this fool you into thinking this is what querying is like. it is not, and it's gotten a lot tougher since 2020.)

as a rule, if you want to be traditionally published, you have to be agented. most (and all major) publishing houses won't accept unsolicited manuscripts, so your best bet is to go through the querying trenches.

[literallycait]

Query Queue Update & Re-open Date

Hi all! I'm back and working my way through the remaining queries from before I went on leave. I'm hoping to have all responses out by end of the week, but either way, I'll be reopening for submissions on MONDAY (6/10) and will stay open through at least the end of June. If you plan to submit a query, now would be a good time to read through my submission guidelines so you can be fully prepared!

Free 15-20 minute lunch meetings for query feedback or to ask industry questions are also open again for authors who are BIPOC or who identify as non-cisgendered; just drop me an Ask here (while logged in, not anonymous) or a DM on Bluesky or (if you must) on "X" to schedule one. (Please, please do not send pitches via Ask or DM!) I'm not able to be active daily on any of these sites, so please be patient if you send a message and don't hear back promptly--I'll check in as soon as I can!

Separately, I'm also available at Manuscript Academy, which you can schedule here.

I don't think my activity will increase all that much here, but I hope I'll be able to be at least a little more present moving forward. Thank you, all, for being so patient during my medical leave, and as I continue to adapt to my new limitations--it's an ongoing learning process. (Chronic health conditions suck, I do not recommend them!)

[saintmachina]

hey! I'm sorry to ask this if you've already covered it, but how did you go about finding an agent? I'd like to get involved in ghostwriting or my own supernatural romances, but the whole process is so intimidating!

There's a couple of way you can go about building a list of agents to query, and they go hand in hand! I suggest you:

Check out Manuscript Wishlist and search the site for genres, themes, and tropes that match the book you want to query. Not every agent is listen on MSWL, and it skews towards kidlit and genre fiction, but it's a great tool

Follow some agents on twitter go get a sense of their professional tastes. However, if you're not already on twitter it might not be worth making a whole new account for this UNLESS you're going to use it as an author account once you get signed. Twitter is slowly sinking, but it's still pretty much the place to be for publishing professionals.

Pay $25 bucks a month for a Publisher's Marketplace subscription, where you can look up what books agents are selling in real time and find a good fit for you based on their sales track record. This is also the best way to vet an agent; by looking at what they've sold previously. (This is a pay for play option, but I think it's worth the cost, and you can do most of your research within a month and then cancel the subscription)

Make a Query Tracker account. This is a great place to glean info about agent's reading times and form responses, as well as keep track of your own queries.

You can also find agent listings on Duotrope!

Good luck with querying!

[jeremyfuscaldo]

I officially have an agent!

[huntedhealer]

Daddy’s girl

TW: daddy issues

Dad,

I love you, but I can't have hateful people in my world. You and I have never seen eye to eye, and I have tried all my life to be tolerant of your beliefs and even to understand them, but I don't feel as though you've ever considered where I am coming from. You act like being a peaceful person makes me weak. You deny that you have ever caused me harm. You have done nothing but reject me since the day I was born and yet I'm meant to keep making efforts to include you in my life? Take a minute and consider why I might not want to do that. Really think about it. I'm tired of being the unwanted child.

I have so many people that genuinely light up whenever I walk into a room; and you should have been first in that line.

You never wanted a daughter.

You never wanted me.

Why does it suddenly matter to you that we speak? You never showed up for me. Not once. Every over-achieving task I burdened myself with in high school was to prove to you that I'm a good child, a good person, that I was good enough. And I was always those things, it was you that convinced me otherwise. I would love to have you in my life. I would love to see you love my children. I have been a mother for 14 and a half years. You saw my son once at the hospital. You've never even met my beautiful daughter. I don't think you realize just how much you lost when you decided not to love me.

I'm an incredible person. I love everyone so hard that sometimes it is to my own detriment. I have sought your approval since I learned to walk. You never gave it to me. I don't need it anymore. I'm approving myself. I am who I am in spite of you. I love where you hate. I heal what you harmed. You can spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself that I'm the asshole, but I remember everything. I remember dancing on your feet but I also remember reaching for your hand and you literally shaking your arm to get me off of you like some kind of vermin. You never knew how to love me, and I don't even think that's your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal your wounds and learn how to love in ways that don't hurt. You have no idea how many times a day my mind plays the soundtrack of my childhood. "You're gonna end up 16 and pregnant just like your mother". "I never met someone who talked so much and says so little", "I hate you, you ruin everything".

And the funny thing is, even with all the hate and vitriol you aimed at me as a helpless child, in spite of your constant rejection of my very existence, the part that hurts the most is that you never even tried. Not once.

Not a track meet or an ROTC drill meet. Not one brain bowl or one homecoming. Not one honor roll ceremony. I’ve never heard the word “proud” come out of your mouth.

I tried so hard to make you love me, and when you didn't, I spent years trying to find someone who would. I didn't know what love was meant to feel like because you were the only example I had. I thought love screamed and hit and hated, so I loved men who did those things. It almost cost me my life.

It ended a life. You would never know, because how could you? You’ve never asked how I am. You never cared what I’m doing as long as it didn’t cost you time or money. How would you know that I’m a mother of angels? You couldn’t know. You weren’t there when I cried so hard I threw up.

You weren’t there when I made a makeshift memorial in my backyard. You weren’t there for the days that followed. Pretending to be ok for my son. You weren’t there.

And now I have a precious daughter. The most beautiful girl on earth. Her daddy loves her. He reads her stories every night and tells her that she's beautiful and strong and capable. She is all the things you stole from me. You were given such an incredible and precious gift, and you did everything you can think of to destroy it. You only destroyed my need for your presence in my life.

I'm almost certain that I will never see you again, and I have made my peace with that. I have grieved for the father I never had all my life. I have never stopped loving you. Not one moment of my life, but I have stopped begging you to love me back. You are getting old and you are realizing now that you need someone who loves you more than ever. You need help and care and support that I just can't give you.

I refuse to tear open the wounds I've healed in your absence for your benefit. All you ever had to do was to keep me safe, to keep me warm; and you couldn't.

You didn't.

You chose WRONG.

You kicked a child out in favor of your wife. You knew she lied about me and chose to side with her anyway, and when she said "it's me or her"; you chose wrong.

You took me away from my brother. My dog. My home. You threw me away. You didn't even have the decency to keep up with our "daddy daughter dates" once a week while I lived with your brother; who is a good, kind, patient and loving person. You ruined me. Why on Earth would I want you in my life? I'm not a masochist. I have suffered enough.

You have a choice.

You can continue to blame me for everything and the decline of our relationship at the age of 11; or you can take responsibility for your wrongs and fight to prove you deserve to be in my life.

I already know which path you will take, but it doesn't stop me hoping you will prove me wrong.

I knew you for 13 years.

I haven't known you for 23.

You've become a stranger; one filled with hate.

Love overflows and fills every cup, hate has left you an empty husk.

I love you. Goodbye dad.

[jennadevillierwrites]

Revision work this morning! I finally finished my scene list and I’m ready to get started on my opening chapters once I write my new synopsis and query letter 😌