#literally wrote this in half an hour idk what this is jshbcjhsdc

[estrel]

for #spnwomenweek day 3: women of color

↳ kaia’s not okay. after being stuck for two years alone in the Bad Place, she ends up in the same place she started.

The third week in a row that Kaia wakes up sweating in the middle of the night, Claire calls for an appointment with the doctor. 

Kaia’s holding Claire’s hand until she can’t any longer, staring at the hair ties and bracelets on her wrist until Kaia is whisked away and she’s back to square one: staring at the white walls of the psychiatric hospital. 

“Fuck,” she says one night, when Kaia realizes she’s been staring out the window so long that even the sun got tired and left. It’s better to stare at what’s real as an anchor, to distract from the thoughts swimming through her head, than to live in them completely. As a dreamwalker, she learned that the hard way.

They don’t give her a room mate. Kaia can vaguely remember an incident in the dining hall, elbowing and kicking and screaming, because they’d gotten too close, that was her meal, her water, and it was running low already. The last rain was so long ago, who knows when she can get more, if she’ll get more. Kaia needs it for her twisted ankle. For her...

She looks down. She’s in bed, wearing sweats and a t-shirt, and she leans forward to reveal her perfectly healed ankle. “Christ,” Kaia sighs, rubbing at her head. “It’s not real.”

But here she is again, alone. Not in the Bad Place, but it was close enough. No Claire, no Jody or Patience or Donna or Alex. Not even her Dark self to keep her company, or a room mate or anything. Not even...

“Jack,” she tries, “holy shit. I don’t even know if you answer to prayers, but, uh...if you do...” Kaia lets out a breath, eyes flitting around her darkened room. She picks at her nail polish, largely feeling like an idiot. 

“You asked me for your help once. I’m...asking for your help now, if you’re willing to...to lend me a hand again. I gotta, um,” she bounces her leg, anxious, “I gotta get outta here, man. I-I know it’s only because my family is worried about me. I know that. But it’s... it’s too much like the Bad Place,” she whispers.

The silence surrounds her. Or, the near silence. Further off in the building, sounds of chatter carry down hallways, faint and unintelligible. The AC hums in the next unit. Kaia’s about to accept that Jack’s not coming, settling further into her blankets, when there’s the pop of the lightbulb in the hall and static in the air that makes a strand of hair stick to her face.

Jack lifts a hand, grinning in the middle of the dark room. “Hello!”

She quickly sits up, holding out a panicked hand, “Shh! Jesus Christ!”

“No,” he frowns, whispering, “I’m Jack....remember?” Jack brightens, “You prayed to me!”

“I know, I know, buddy,” Kaia whispers back, running a hand through her hair, “I just...wasn’t expecting you to show up.”

He walks towards her bed and sits down by her legs. Jack shifts a little to face her better, “Why not?”

“I dunno,” she shrugs, “it’s the middle of the night and you have better things to do? Like...sleep?”

“Oh, Cas and I don’t sleep. Well, not really. I prefer naps. Naps are fun.”

Kaia nods like her heart isn’t still trying to calm down from Jack’s jump scare. “Lucky me, then.”

“Yes, well, what are you waiting for?” he stands, “Get your things and we can go.”

“What...just like that?” Kaia pushes the blankets off of her, looking at Jack incredulously, “It was a way bigger deal last time.”

He shrugs, “I’m bigger now. And Cas has been teaching me some things. But,” Jack stops her on her way to the closet, a hand around her upper arm. Kaia stills to look at him. 

“What?”

“I get why you need to leave, but you have to promise me that you’ll talk about it. You can’t keep this all to yourself, Kaia. It’s too much.”

She looks away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I heard your prayer,” he insists, “you’re still seeing the Bad Place in your head. This place...I don’t think they can really help on this big a scale. But your family...they can. If you let them.”

Kaia stares at him a moment. Jack’s eyes cry sincerity, all concern and good intentions. Sam and Dean and Cas have taught him well. Eventually, she tears her eyes away, “I...can’t.”

“Why not?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t...I don’t think it’s something I can talk about yet. Not with family or even...Claire. It’s just. They wouldn’t understand.”

Jack looks down, eyebrows creased like he’s thinking hard. He lets go of Kaia’s arm, and she slowly moves to the closet to pack, if that’s even still in the cards.

“I think I know someone who would,” he says finally. Kaia turns back around, a soft laugh halfway out of her mouth. “Jack—”

“Cas,” he says. It’s not the answer she’s expecting, so Kaia listens. “You’ve been somewhere where no one has come back from, and you were there alone for two years. The only other person I can think of who might understand that type of darkness and isolation is...Cas.

"He was in the Empty for a while, until I pulled him out. He’s not a therapist, or anything, and he’s not your family. But,” Jack tilts his chin up, “he’s my dad, and I think he could help. I’ll help you break out of here if you promise me you’ll give it a shot with him. Okay?”

Kaia mulls it over, weighing her options. Being stuck here with no friends or anyone to talk to is making her worse, and at least with Cas he might...understand, to some degree. It’d at least be nice to have someone to talk to and...despite Claire not outwardly admitting it, Kaia’s gotten the impression that is a pretty good guy.

“Okay,” she nods, smiling softly, “okay, I’ll give it a shot.”

[@spnwomenweek]